Going thru a Divorce when you are 55

[Sugarcubesea]

Dang, I never thought this would be me, but I have taken all I can and its time for me to now have a future and no longer be married to an individual that is unable to hold a job and continually's get fired and after being in debt because of this, its time I started saving for retirement and live my life.

 

[DeniseM]

If you are ready to proceed, and it sounds like you are, you should see a divorce attorney right away, and find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially.

Get recommendations from friends who were happy with their divorce attorney.

Good luck!

 

[Sugarcubesea]

If you are ready to proceed, and it sounds like you are, you should see a divorce attorney right away, and find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially.

Get recommendations from friends who were happy with their divorce attorney.

Good luck!

I just got a recommendation from my cousin who went thru a divorce a few years back and I have called an made and appointment, because I truly feel I need to act quickly to protect the funds I do have.

 

[Patri]

Good luck with everything. You have many good years ahead of you.

 

[am1]

It is possible you will only be able to save half your funds. But better to save what you can. It will depend of where you live and what if any agreements have been made prior.

I wish you and your current spouse the best.

Something that I hope I never have to go through but one never knows.

 

[bogey21]

I'm divorced twice, once at age 35 and the second time at age 60 (Different wives not the same one twice). The second time there were kids. Both times we worked hard to keep it amicable. It helps. Both of my exes are remarried. Because of the kids (now in their 30s) I see my second wife and her new husband fairly often. No animosity, actually she, he and I get along very well. I talk to my first wife every 3 months or so. Don't let the lawyers turn you against each other.

George

 

[Sugarcubesea]

I'm divorced twice, once at age 35 and the second time at age 60 (Different wives not the same one twice). The second time there were kids. Both times we worked hard to keep it amicable. It helps. Both of my exes are remarried. Because of the kids (now in their 30s) I see my second wife and her new husband fairly often. No animosity, actually she, he and I get along very well. I talk to my first wife every 3 months or so. Don't let the lawyers turn you against each other.

George

George, thank you for this kind advice

 

[VacationForever]

Gosh, I am sorry that you are going through this. I walked out of 2 marriages, first one was a really bad marriage and I had to keep my own sanity. 2nd marriage, there were alot of factors that got us to where we ended up. I was bleeding financially in both marriages, and I actually paid off my 2nd husband to move out of the home even though his net worth was way higher than mine. Money was not the straw that broke the camel's back for us as we were comfortable, but I guess I had a lot of resentment underneath.

I am married again and while it is not perfect, he is an equal partner in our financial matters. It is refreshing.

Good luck. Saving for retirement and being able to plan for it is an important part of living.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

It is possible you will only be able to save half your funds. But better to save what you can. It will depend of where you live and what if any agreements have been made prior.

I wish you and your current spouse the best.

Something that I hope I never have to go through but one never knows.

I do realize that after 28 years of marriage, that 50% of the assets will only be mine. But I want to secure that 50% now rather than later.

 

[Talent312]

I went thru a divorce in my mid-40's (16 years ago). We both went thru a mid-life crisis that led us in different directions. We had done ~18 mos. of marriage counselling that didn't work -- I should'a asked for a refund. The divorce itself was amicable: We filed jointly and fully divided our assets prior to the final hearing (including sale of our house).

But emotionally, it was excruciating. My ex felt guilty enuff about kicking me to the curb (so to speak), that she did not claim some things that she could'a or should'a asked for -- like alimony or part of my pension. IOW, as difficult as it may be, don't let your desire for a quick+clean getaway stop you from claiming anything that's rightfully yours.

You may also want to find a divorce-support group. Many churches sponsor non-denominational groups that welcome all comers. I went to a Catholic group that included a Buddhist person, Jewish person, and non-religious people.
.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

I went thru a divorce in my mid-40's (16 years ago). We both went thru a mid-life crisis that led us in different directions. We had done ~18 mos. of marriage counselling that didn't work -- I should'a asked for a refund. The divorce itself was amicable: We filed jointly and fully divided our assets prior to the final hearing (including sale of our house).

But emotionally, it was excruciating. My ex felt guilty enuff about kicking me to the curb (so to speak), that she did not claim some things that she could'a or should'a asked for -- like alimony or part of my pension. IOW, as difficult as it may be, you don't let your desire for a quick+clean getwaway stop you from claiming anything that's rightfully yours.

You may also want to find a divorce-support group. Many churches sponsor non-denominational groups that welcome all comers. I went to a Catholic group that included a Buddhist person, Jewish person, and non-religious people.
.

Thank you, I'm pretty emotional right now. My two (young adult) children that live at home are so angry at their father, that it just breaks my heart. I'm going to look for a support group as I feel I will need this.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Gosh, I am sorry that you are going through this. I walked out of 2 marriages, first one was a really bad marriage and I had to keep my own sanity. 2nd marriage, there were alot of factors that got us to where we ended up. I was bleeding financially in both marriages, and I actually paid off my 2nd husband to move out of the home even though his net worth was way higher than mine. Money was not the straw that broke the camel's back for us as we were comfortable, but I guess I had a lot of resentment underneath.

I am married again and while it is not perfect, he is an equal partner in our financial matters. It is refreshing.

Good luck. Saving for retirement and being able to plan for it is an important part of living.

Thank you for sharing your story, I just wish I had the courage to do this 10 years ago.

 

[Sandy VDH]

I had some similar circumstances. I was 48, when I got divorced.

 

[vacationhopeful]

Thank you for sharing your story, I just wish I had the courage to do this 10 years ago.

Never look back .. look forward. You can only change the future.

Treat yourself to different experiences .... like an exercise class or a book club ... places where YOU try "like all-get out" to identified yourself as recently divoriced (end of story) or single.

My sister (age 54) did 2 different exercise class routines (same period of time) after her 43 yo husband dropped dead on the bathroom floor on a Fall Saturday morning. And a separate grief support group. After she retired from work, every other month I took her to a different place (timeshare weeks) she HAVE never been to with her husband .... (like Spring Training in AZ or DVC (twice)). She went on 2 (cheap) cruises with her HS best girl friend also.

Make a NEW LIFE ... starting now.

PS When travelling, leave the adult kids HOME ... staying at their Dad's. They all GOT to learn to deal with each other and on their own. Besides, they should be working or in school fulltime.

PSS And it will make downsizing the house and moving 1000 miles away ... all the much easier as you ARE approaching retirement years OR not willing to payback half the value of the house to him. And your stay at home kids ... can guilt the *bleep* out of the husband as much as you for selling the house. The house is usually the biggest martial asset that the children will be involved in.

 

[falmouth3]

I never regretted leaving my first husband. Although I did feel guilty. I also felt sadness when the divorce was final. But it was a good thing to end it.

 

[e.bram]

Kids will NEVER get over it, no matter how old they are!

 

[Beaglemom3]

Deleted.

Cut & pasted to a PM.



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[ottawasquaw]

Thank you, I'm pretty emotional right now. My two (young adult) children that live at home are so angry at their father, that it just breaks my heart. I'm going to look for a support group as I feel I will need this.

oh, honey! There are so many good posts between yours and mine. What are your young adult children doing at home?

As a gardener, I was taught to "sucker" my tomato plants and cut off the non-bearing vines so that all the energy of the plant could go towards fruit production. Sadly, I had to come to the same conclusion and give my boys' daddy the boot when they were just 4 and not even 2.

So, my lawyer suggested a therapist which I think is quite common. I've had other friends benefit from ACOA and co-dependency support groups.

Good luck to you! Your best years are yet to come!

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Me, too, but I showed him the door, however, same feelings (short-lived).

I thought of it in medical terms. Sometimes you just have to amputate the affected limb in order to stop systemic infection. Sometimes you have to stop CPR and "call it". I thought of it in these terms. Odd, but this helped me frame it.

I suggested, and we used, a mediator. She was great, neutral and firm ( a former officer in the Israeli army). We worked out a financial agreement after 3 or 4 meetings. From there, in Massachusetts, these agreements must be reviewed by each party's attorney. After reviewing, adding and/or deleting any missed items, a divorce hearing is arranged and each party goes with their respective attorney, not the mediator. Our judge was very kind and empathetic. All good.

Mediation is not for everyone, but it worked for us by saving us money, time, animosity and other assorted BS. This was my experience and YMMV.

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BeagleMom, so did you secure a mediator first, or did you get your attorney and then go the mediator route? I'm looking to save as much cash as possible as I really do not want to have to work in my 70"s...thanks

 

[Sugarcubesea]

oh, honey! There are so many good posts between yours and mine. What are your young adult children doing at home?

As a gardener, I was taught to "sucker" my tomato plants and cut off the non-bearing vines so that all the energy of the plant could go towards fruit production. Sadly, I had to come to the same conclusion and give my boys' daddy the boot when they were just 4 and not even 2.

So, my lawyer suggested a therapist which I think is quite common. I've had other friends benefit from ACOA and co-dependency support groups.

Good luck to you! Your best years are yet to come!

One is in high school and the other is in college and only home for the summer (working at a job that pays really good money)

 

[Beaglemom3]

BeagleMom, so did you secure a mediator first, or did you get your attorney and then go the mediator route? I'm looking to save as much cash as possible as I really do not want to have to work in my 70"s...thanks

I wrote a lengthy response, but prefer to PM you with it.



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[pedro47]

I wish you well in this matter. People attitudes do changes over time. Good luck in your new life.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Gosh, I am sorry that you are going through this. I walked out of 2 marriages, first one was a really bad marriage and I had to keep my own sanity. 2nd marriage, there were alot of factors that got us to where we ended up. I was bleeding financially in both marriages, and I actually paid off my 2nd husband to move out of the home even though his net worth was way higher than mine. Money was not the straw that broke the camel's back for us as we were comfortable, but I guess I had a lot of resentment underneath.

I am married again and while it is not perfect, he is an equal partner in our financial matters. It is refreshing.

Good luck. Saving for retirement and being able to plan for it is an important part of living.

This is where I'm at, bleeding financially.

In 28 years of marriage, my husband has been fired, let got, downsized (what ever you want to call it) from every job except 2. He never seems to see the handwriting on the wall (or so he says) until they let him go, then he starts looking for a new job and at that point he is so desperate, he takes what ever they offer him. It usually takes him 6 months ( 2 times it has taken over a year) to find a new opportunity, and we blow thru our emergency fund, and savings.

This is a wash, rinse and repeat scenario that has continually been going on.

Because he takes a lower paying jobs each time, and because he is off work for 6 months or more per jobs, its lost revenue, lost contributions to a 401K.

Thankfully, I went back into the workforce after our third child turned 2 and I have moved myself up the corporate ladder. I always feel the pulse of the company I'm at, if I see that either the company has financial issues or the structure of the company is moving into a direction that might eliminate my position, I start looking for a new opportunity and move on.

I went and spoke to my parents financial planner yesterday and she told me that because he has taken out so many loans on his 401K's thru the years, that I will need to work till I'm 75 if I don't stop the hemorrhaging of monies right away.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

I wrote a lengthy response, but prefer to PM you with it.



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Thank you, I look forward to receiving your PM.

 

[Beaglemom3]

Thank you, I look forward to receiving your PM.

I have to clean out the PM box, but will send soon.