Best way to safeguard ourselves from Cliff’s cognitive issues

[clifffaith]

Around 11pm Wednesday night Cliff was out of bed for the first time since noon Monday, finally starting to feel better from a cold. He came into the bedroom looking for his wallet. “What are you doing? What are you buying?” Nothing. Well I knew it was something, so this morning I went snooping on our credit card. Great, $60 charge and $40 charge to the same company. Right off the bat that seems wrong. Next I snooped in his emails. First thing I saw was something shipping to our three years ago old address. At that point I hauled his ass out of bed and start quizzing him, while also trying to figure out what I’m seeing on the emails.

$60/6 books in a series by an author I’ve never heard of, thankfully coming here.
$40/4 duplicate books going to our old address.

Who recommended to you that I might like this series? Don’t know.
Did you just stumble across these online and think I might like them? Don’t know. In any case don’t ever buy multiple books like this for me. OK.
You must have realized there was a problem with the address to have a duplicate order? Don’t remember.
Do you remember placing this order AT ALL? NO.
He has acknowledged that he is a “menace”.

I’ve got him down to that one credit card (so he can buy gas or go to Trader Joe’s for wine) and his debit/ATM card. As long as he is still driving like a champ I don’t want to leave him without a way to pay for things on the few times I’m not with him.

Speaking of driving, his neurologist has retired and our excellent GP has just started weaning him off of his dementia drugs — one now and the other in March. He seems to have not-so-mild cognitive impairment, rather than Alzheimer’s. Her main reason for removing the drugs (aside from the fact they don’t seem to help) is should he have an accident, we don’t want to explain why he is on those drugs and still driving.

Just checked, and this credit card has the same number for both of us, so not sure how I could block it. It is new because Cliff gave the “your package is held up in customs” scammers the old number (but he also gave them a non-cell phone number so when they called with a code it went to the message machine at home—that’s how I knew to notify the cc company that we may have been compromised). So obviously he shouldn’t have free access to a card, and he’s not much better with cash because I watched him count and recount the same $6 in coins and $4 in bills as he tried to figure out if he had $10 for poker the other night.

What is the best way to protect us from him, while at the same time leaving him a bit of dignity?

 

[DaveNV]

Sorry you're dealing with this.

Maybe have the CC company put a limit on charges without requiring a second approval? Let him charge up to, say, $50 a month without approval, and anything above that requires a phone call to you for authorization. As for the debit card, I'd try to limit his card with the bank, so he can only withdraw up to a certain amount. Otherwise, he could drain the bank account.

No real help, but a lot of commiseration for you. Hugs and stuff.

Dave

 

[DrQ]

Maybe have the CC company put a limit on charges without requiring a second approval? Let him charge up to, say, $50 a month without approval,

You could get a secured credit card that has a maximum limit to the amount you have on deposit. We have a secured credit card from USAA that is secured by a CD.

 

[DrQ]

I would also talk to the bank put in safeguards on wire transfers and large withdrawals.

 

[susieq]

Sorry you're dealing with this.

No real help, but a lot of commiseration for you. Hugs and stuff.

Dave

I echo this ................. I feel for you. I fear I am headed in the same direction ................ Not sure which is harder, putting up with/or watching and not able to do anything. Hugs...............

 

[isisdave]

To start with, the credit card he has should be an "extra" one -- one you don't need to rely on day to day, so that if it gets compromised that's not a problem.

On my Chase Sapphire Preferred card, which I almost never use, I was able to set an alert via email or text if ANY charge was made. On others, I have alerts on charges > $500.

Amazon purchases can usually be cancelled if you do it within a few hours, and of course anything can be returned.

I don't know if there is a way to restrict a credit card to in-person purchases only. Anyone have any input on that? That could give him emergency spending without exposure to mysterious charges or online scams.

 

[Rolltydr]

On my Chase Sapphire Preferred card, which I almost never use, I was able to set an alert via email or text if ANY charge was made.

I have alerts set on 2 cards so that I get text messages immediately for any trsnsaction on either of those cards. It doesn’t prevent a transaction from occurring but I know immediately when either one of them is used. It might help if you could talk to Cliff immediately when a questionable charge occurs.

 

[rapmarks]

Faith. What if someone caused an accident involving cliff when he is driving by himself.
Would cliff be able to explain what happened to the police, insurance,etc. ?
Are you setting yourself up for liability letting Cliff drive?
Also, at a national seminar for dementia caregivers, we were told
One, no matter what you call it, all dementia patients end up in the same place.
Two, removal from dementia medicines may lead to a precipitous drop in a patients ability,
In fact, within four days of removing my husband from his dementia meds, he went into severe decline,
I see I am the only one who is distressed that he is driving, but believe me, should he be in an accident, those credit card charges will seem like a small problem
The behavior you are describing is very concerning

 

[VacationForever]

Faith. What if someone caused an accident involving cliff when he is driving by himself.
Would cliff be able to explain what happened to the police, insurance,etc. ?
Are you setting yourself up for liability letting Cliff drive?
Also, at a national seminar for dementia caregivers, we were told
One, no matter what you call it, all dementia patients end up in the same place.
Two, removal from dementia medicines may lead to a precipitous drop in a patients ability,
In fact, within four days of removing my husband from his dementia meds, he went into severe decline,
I see I am the only one who is distressed that he is driving, but believe me, should he be in an accident, those credit card charges will seem like a small problem
The behavior you are describing is very concerning

+1. You are not the only one who is distressed that Cliff is still driving. We were in elder care industry and based on what I read from Faith's post, he should absolutely no longer be driving and have his driver license be revoked. It's tough, but the right thing to do. Take care, Faith.

 

[jp10558]

Yea, I too am concerned about him driving. I don't know much about cognitive decline exactly - if he can't remember why he bought something a few minutes ago - how does he even make it back home... IDK.

 

[rapmarks]

+1. You are not the only one who is distressed that Cliff is still driving. We were in elder care industry and based on what I read from Faith's post, he should absolutely no longer be driving and have his driver license be revoked. It's tough, but the right thing to do. Take care, Faith.

I am also distressed about a doctor who instead of saying cliff shouldn’t be driving says let’s take him off his meds so we can pretend he doesn’t have dementia if he gets in an accident. As if a law firm won’t be able to discover his previous diagnosis.

 

[Patri]

The driving hit me too. Faith, tough times for you. But it is probably time to eliminate some of his independence, including financial. Keep him off the computer, except for games, if he is into that. Or just take away his credit card. Maybe redirect him to new activities, too. You have shared scary episodes about him through the years (once getting lost while driving?). Cliff is not a menace, but he is a danger to himself and others. His decline will continue. He will adjust to new daily routines with repetition. Best wishes.

 

[JudyH]

Open a small account in the bank and give him a debit card to use for that small account.
If you haven’t already, stop him from having any access to 99% of your assets. My high school classmate lived with his mother, who was giving all her $$ to some scammers in Nigeria. He had to sell the house when she passed to cover her debts and withdrawals.

Write a letter to the Dept of Motor Vehicles asking that they reevaluate him for driving. We did this for my father who had several fender-benders. At the same time I got my father’s lawyer to tell him that if he caused an accident, he would be sued and would lose all his assets. When the official letter arrived from motor vehicles, he voluntarily stopped driving rather than have DVM tell him he had too. We never told him we wrote that original letter.
If Cliff causes an accident, it could affect your finances. Whose name is the car in? His? Yours? Both?
Teach him to use Uber.
My husband doesn’t drive cause of his vision. Since 2007. I take him, friends take him, he gets an Uber. Your old folks home should have some type of transportation, or your county senior services.
The old saying, pride goeth before a crash.

 

[elaine]

I am also distressed about a doctor who instead of saying cliff shouldn’t be driving says let’s take him off his meds so we can pretend he doesn’t have dementia if he gets in an accident. As if a law firm won’t be able to discover his previous diagnosis.

Very concerning. And, even if the meds aren't "helping" him, they can be slowing progression. My mom is on dementia meds (which are not just for Alzheimer's). Re. driving-I doubt that he would have the cognitive awareness to avert an accident or take action for something out of the ordinary? Given what you have told us, driving is not OK.
I would either take away all CC or canx all joint cards, get one in your name only, and get him a secured CC with $500 limit in his own name or put him on cash only. PLEASE take away all debit cards and access to bank accounts (keep the bank statements and checks somewhere private). I asked my mom's bank, with her there and agreeing, if they could limit her access to funds. They said they could not-they could lower the daily limit on cash w/d on debit to $300 or so, but not for wire transfers, withdrawals.) So, I now have the debit cards and lowered the amount of money that she has in those accounts (in case she gets scammed). Please also carefully monitor all meds. My mom doesn't understand what Tylenol is used for. She does well with an am/pm pill box, but skipped or took a double does of antibiotics 3 of 7 days.
Lastly, it is frustrating to deal with dementia. Questioning and chastising them about things they did that aren't OK usually just makes them feel badly, but solves nothing--they don't remember and/or logical processes no longer work. It is, in many respects, like keeping a young child safe. It takes a lot of patience and grace. That is something I have to remind myself of every few days.

 

[rapmarks]

Elaine, I wanted to say the same thing.
faith, you need to get your hands on the book The 24 Hour Day,and get into a caregiver group also. It will put things into perspective