Adoption Issues

[Lets Get Going]

I'm not trying to be political or controversial I'm just curious....

Why do so many Americans adopt children from foreign countries? Is it because it's easier? Do they feel they are helping the "more needy"? Are US adoption policies tougher?

 

[geekette]

no authority here, but it's my understanding that the wait time and hoops to jump thru are huge for 'domestic babies' and restrictions/time are much less elsewhere. Not sure where cost figures in.

I knew a couple that gave up on waiting for a baby here and quickly were able to bring home a new daughter from elsewhere.

 

[presley]

The parents I know who adopted from overseas had specific reasons. One woman was single, but was able to adopt 2 babies from China. I don't think she would be able to do that here. The other was an older couple, thought of as maybe too old (they were in their 40s) to adopt a baby here.

 

[falmouth3]

A woman I work with is trying to adopt a "domestic" baby/child. She says it's $45K to complete the process legally. Since I have no reason to not believe her, that may be why people are looking outside the US for adoptions.

 

[stmartinfan]

For many it is availability of children, especially younger children. Costs often aren't that different because oversees adoptions also require agency fees and home studies, plus many countries require parents to travel to complete the process.

In the US more and more adoptions are done "privately" with a birth mother choosing the adoptive parents and then completing the process with a lawyer. There are far fewer babies available than possible parents so interested parents need to work hard to find a child and to position themselves as the best choice.

While that one on one connection means birth mothers get to make the decision and can opt to have ongoing contact with their children, it can also make it difficult for prospective parents. There's also greater chance for things to go awry, for birth mothers to change their minds even after the adoptive parents have had the child for a while but before paperwork is final, or for potential demands for additional money, etc. I have friends who had that happen with the first child they tried to adopt and it was heartbreaking. (I'm not denying the birth mother should have those rights, just explaining how it can affect the adoptive parents.) I think it's fears about the unknowns of this situation that turn more people to international adoption, where placements can come quicker and there are agencies involved to help manage the process.

Of course international adoptions can be hard, too, as prospective parents now caught in the Russian change know. Many have already met the child they hoped to adopt but will not be able to finalize and bring the child home with the change in the Russian laws

 

[Tia]

An old friend of mine had their adopted first son and the birth-parents changed their mind, so the little boy went back into foster care while they worked on 'things'. Not sure anymore how long that took but eventually 'things' didn't work out and friend got him back. Very very hard on my friend and the little boy. Their next two adopted children came from the far east to avoid what happened the first time.

.... There's also greater chance for things to go awry, for birth mothers to change their minds even after the adoptive parents have had the child for a while but before paperwork is final, or for potential demands for additional money, etc. I have friends who had that happen with the first child they tried to adopt and it was heartbreaking. (I'm not denying the birth mother should have those rights, just explaining how it can affect the adoptive parents.) .......

 

[DeniseM]

There are very, very few babies available for adoption in the US. I teach teenage parents, and it's rare for one of them to even consider adoption. The only ones who even consider it are usually very young, and their only other option would be to raise their child in foster care.

 

[Travelclam]

An old friend of mine had their adopted first son and the birth-parents changed their mind, so the little boy went back into foster care while they worked on 'things'. Not sure anymore how long that took but eventually 'things' didn't work out and friend got him back. Very very hard on my friend and the little boy. Their next two adopted children came from the far east to avoid what happened the first time.

This is mostly the reason for North Americans to go overseas to adopt children. The laws here are on the side of the birth parents most of the time; so it's really difficult for the adoptive parents. I can speak from a personal experience; we adopted our son overseas.

 

[Lets Get Going]

Thanks for all your input, you shed light on a difficult subject that I know nothing about.

Do these same issues apply to older children or just infants? I understand the desire for an infant, but what about the 2 yr olds, 5 yr olds, 10 yr olds?

 

[vacationhopeful]

It depends - my area has a weekly 3 minute TV special section on children who are hard to place. Usually been in the foster care system: a few are sibling groups, older, might have a slight handicap --- all are available immediately. Every couple of months, there is an update broadcast of a child's success in finding a permanant family or a new re-boardcast of an available child. Wednesday's Child and NBC station.

The kids who have found a "forever family" are just beaming as are the new parents. And these shows are 6+ months after the original "child available".

Yes, the kids are shown and interact with persons in the activity - kicking a football with the NFL player at the staduim; going to the zoo and behind the scenes; cooking with a bigtime chef -- all activities are a special interest to the child (anyone under 17 ).

 

[Tia]

As I recall my friends adoptive son was a toddler when he was pulled back temporarily.

I know of a family that adopted siblings ~ 5 & 7 yo, then when court recently terminated parent rights it allowed them to also get the 4yo sister who was in foster care. There is a 14 yo brother in foster care yet, who the girls see on occasion.

It's complicated...

Thanks for all your input, you shed light on a difficult subject that I know nothing about.

Do these same issues apply to older children or just infants? I understand the desire for an infant, but what about the 2 yr olds, 5 yr olds, 10 yr olds?

 

[DeniseM]

Thanks for all your input, you shed light on a difficult subject that I know nothing about.

Do these same issues apply to older children or just infants? I understand the desire for an infant, but what about the 2 yr olds, 5 yr olds, 10 yr olds?

Most people want infants, and sadly enough, many of the older children have psychological damage from their parents.

 

[Paumavista]

We adopted overseas

We didn't want to compete here in the US for a young child......many adoptive US parents are childless and/or suffer from infertility issues. I didn't want to take a baby "away" or compete with waiting US parents but my youngest was almost 4 & we had room in our heart and home for another child (preferrably younger than our son) who truly needed a family/home. At the time children over 2 (and particularly boys) were practically considered special needs overseas because understandably many adoptive families were looking for babies.

In hindsight, and now that we have become so involved in the US foster care system I do realize there are many children here in foster care; young children needing families (and for a family like ours this may have worked really well) - foster care/adoption may not work well for those families who are desperately wanting a baby or to adopt - there is positively no "sure thing" when it comes to which children in foster care will end up adoptable and believe me the heartache of letting go of a child rips you apart (even when I have others) so I can't imagine the pain when you are childless and desperate but must give them up.

As for the "Wednesday" children/sibling groups needing families - there are many....thousands, and I pray that families consider these children (that I care for in foster care) but they don't come without issues and for "new" parents wanting a baby there just aren't "healthy Wednesday babies" needing homes (they have waiting lists)

ps - anyone interested in talking foster care is welcome to PM me - a topic close to my heart

 

[VacationForever]

My friend and his wife adopted 3 children locally here. First child was a newborn that was considered special needs because mother was a single homeless drug addict and that was her 8th baby that the shelter arranged to be adopted. My friends were put in touch with other adoptive parents of her other children to understand more about these kids. As adoptive parents of a special needs kid, they receive a monthly allowance to bring up the kid, as well as all medical care/bills till the age of 18. My friends are very well to do and they simply put the money away for the child's college fund. The baby was collic, which is normal even for a normal baby, had tightened muscles in hands and legs due to drugs consumed by the mother, and underwent physical therapy at a very young age - all paid for by the state. Otherwise, he is a happy and normal child. They adopted 2 older children from the same system. These 2 are siblings. All 3 are now quite a bit older and are very fortunate to be brought up in a good family.

Essentially, special needs children are readily available for adoption here but it also takes someone with a large heart, lots of love and patience, and a willingness to take the risks to make it work.

 

[bobby]

We have all three of our kids through adoption - and the youngest is 31, so the baby shortage is not new. The "normal" caucasian rolls were closed to us in the states we lived in because the waiting lists were 7-8 years. The first two children joined our family due to special medical needs. The third is foreign. I do have to say that I've definitely been converted from a nurture counts most to the biological counts most. Many of the babies offered in the USA for adoption are conceived by parents who have various problems vs. the foreign ones due to poverty and lack of support or out of wedlock pregnancy acceptance. Our son's medical issue hasn't become a major problem, but his ADD was a huge factor. We later met his biological family and the half-brother is a clone of the ADD behaviors, mom has symptoms, grandmother was called "spacey", etc. ADD wasn't known in the early 70s. Our oldest daughter mimics the description of her father. We are bonded as a family but it took lots of therapy, etc. Third daughter from abroad is a piece of cake. All had the same parenting. Older American children given up today have parents with problems so teenage years might be really tough, even without having a rough early childhood.

 

[jlr10]

Do these same issues apply to older children or just infants? I understand the desire for an infant, but what about the 2 yr olds, 5 yr olds, 10 yr olds?

I know someone who just had an 8 year old pulled back into foster care 2 weeks before the adoption was final as the mother changed her mine. They were heartbroken, as was the little boy who didn't want to return to his mother, who had drug problems in the past, despite several trips to rehab. They had even done their research and stated they did not want to meet any children who had any chance of being placed back with their parents and were assured the mother's rights had been permanently terminated. But then she appealed and she got him back. They stated they would never again try to adopt since the courts can stop an adoption pretty much any time before it is final. Very sad for a child who would have had great parents.

 

[SDKath]

My BFF has been trying to adopt for 3 years. She is a single professional and is now 40. She always wanted kids but just never met the right guy. So she decided 3-4 years ago to go ahead and become a single mom.

Apparently, international adoption is out as most countries exclude single women. They insist on a husband and wife (no same sex couples) and a minimum income of $100-150,000.

She has matched 2x with birth moms here in the US through agencies, and both times she basically paid ALL the medical care for the moms throughout the pregnancy and delivery, only to have the moms change their mind right after delivery.

She is devastated but keeps trying because she loves kids so much. She can't afford much in the way of specialized care for an older child with a disability, so she is hoping for a healthy infant. But each time she starts down the road, it's always with extreme apprehension because of what can happen at the end.

She is out about $50,000 so far with no baby prospects.... So sad.

 

[am1]

She has matched 2x with birth moms here in the US through agencies, and both times she basically paid ALL the medical care for the moms throughout the pregnancy and delivery, only to have the moms change their mind right after delivery.

It would be nice if she was able to get those costs back, but be happy that the kids will be able to grow up with their mother.

 

[SDKath]

It would be nice if she was able to get those costs back, but be happy that the kids will be able to grow up with their mother.

No, the state considers paying costs a "donation" when the adopting parent pays the medical bills (and cost of living, food, shelter sometimes too). I don't think my friend is happy that they are growing up with the birthmom after she foot the bill and put so much emotional energy and hope into these pregnancies.

 

[am1]

Thats too bad. I guess one cannot not "buy a baby" is behind that. Any thing else may be considered political or else. But I do wish her luck in whatever she chooses. It is too bad there are not more like her.

 

[DonM]

check out this thread

http://tugbbs.com/forums/showthread.php?t=128584&highlight=adoption