I wrote my first letter to an advice columnist today

[clifffaith]

http://enewspaper.latimes.com/infinity/article_share.aspx?guid=15afc8b3-3e7b-4ea6-83d7-1082877a1fff

The first letter in today's Ask Amy had me absolutely floored. I must have sputtered in indignation at the newspaper for five minutes -- Cliff finally yelled down the hall "Who are you talking to?" What the grandparents did is child abuse. I imagine no court would ever convict them, but man o' manischevitz, they'd never see my kids again after the stunt they pulled. I think the mother did the right thing not to make a scene in front of the girls. That would have been very traumatic for them if up to then they really weren't too unhappy themselves. We don't know how they felt getting scalped because their dad didn't say (but certainly by 6 years old I knew when my mom cut my bangs uneven). I can't get over the nerve of those grandparents.

 

[DaveNV]

I think they definitely overstepped their boundaries. What grandparent cuts their grandkids' hair without consulting the parents? One who doesn't respect either of the grandkids' parents, that's who. The son needs to set some limits, for sure, and insist his parents follow them. If not, no visits, plain and simple. Luckily, the hair will grow back.

Dave

 

[Jan M.]

What really bothered me was that the children's father, their son, was angry upon seeing his daughters haircuts and his mother told him he was wrong to protest and his father laughed at him for being angry. He stated that his parents don't seem to care for or about his daughters and I'm guessing he was probably really pleased when his parents asked to take the girls for the weekend. He and his wife must have been horrified when they came to pick up the girls. His parents don't seem to care about his feelings or have respect for him.

 

[vacationhopeful]

That would be the VERY LAST unsupervised visit those grandparents EVER had with any kid of mine.

There is a big difference between buying a child an ugly sweater and getting the girls' haircut that might take 6 months to longer than 2 years to grow out. I, as the parent, would be enraged for decades ... pictures for the entire time ... the short hair with the HOW & WHY that happened. The insult .. the disrespect .. the disregard for the parents' position as parents, guides and protectors of their kids. What next? Tattoos at age 16 or ziplining at 10?

This is also teaching their kids .. the parents DO NOT HAVE TO BE LISTENED TO. Want something or go somewheres, the grandparents will be happy to be the 'get-a-round' on the parents' rules/directives.

 

[geekette]

hair is a major part of identity for most people. This was a very cruel thing to do to the girls. At least their mother was spared seeing the girls scream 'Nooooo' but it wouldn't surprise me if gramps recorded it. That's a sick man. he should not be around children.

 

[WalnutBaron]

Very, very insensitive, selfish, and unwise. Not only will the son and his wife never trust their kids with the grandparents again, but those girls will not forget, either. The grandparents may think everyone is over-dramatizing the situation now, but they will pay for their arrogance and racial bias for years to come.

 

[stmartinfan]

How horrible for those children to have to leave with grandparents who seem to believe they are “less” because of their ethnic roots and use haircuts as a way to demonstrate that. My in laws were grandparents to several kids, including mine, who joined the family through international and domestic adoptions. Never did they act in any way or say anything that would give the impression that they didn't love all their grandchildren equally and without hesitation. As a result, we and our kids have shown them love and care throughout their lives. Hard to imagine grandparents who act like those in the letter, but I couln't see anything but very limited, if any, contact with them.

 

[vacationhopeful]

Kids bond to adults for all different reasons ... these grandparents are now "the ophans" in their old age. Their adult child WILL NEVER forget or truly TRUST the parents' judgment or their presents (what could be in THAT Christmas/Birthday wrapped paper or card?) ever again.

We all have 'life experiences' which either grow us or scar us thruout life. I hope these girls (and the parents) focus on "good" events ... and that they put this into a "GROW MOMENT".

If this was my child or family member, I would HOPE many of the older (role models) women would take the girls with them ... as they got their hair cut shorter .... aka a cancer patients' family & friend shave their heads in support of chemo cancer patients.

 

[taterhed]

Wow.
I almost wish I hadn't read that.

I thought, "just what could be so bad..."
What a heartless, cruel and seemingly bigoted or just ignorant thing to do.

Hm. Take the most precious thing you have in the world (your children/grands) and stomp them in the mud?

Oh well. Another thread that makes me want a drink.

 

[clifffaith]

I had one of those 4am awake times (probably because we had to send our Scooter to Kitty Heaven and yesterday was traumatic) where I finally turned the light on to read at 4:45. Before I did that my mind was wandering and I wondered, could that possibly have been a fake or even just exaggerated (hair was cut to shoulder length when it had been waist length, but dad described it as a military cut above the ears). Just boggles the mind that any grandparent would take waist length hair and have it cut by a "barber". I could ALMOST understand it if the kids were boys.

 

[taterhed]

Yea, probably sexist, but cutting boys' hair...at least in the not so distant past...was often a part of 'growing up' in many households.

Maybe it was a trolling article for a slow-column day.
I often wonder if we don't have those same type of things on TUG sometimes.....

 

[vacationhopeful]

My mother was of the same mindset as these grandparents ... 4 daughters and no beauty salon .. the barbar shop where she took my brother for his crew cut. It was cheaper to get the girls' hair cut there, too. Short hair easier to wash. And comb out.

But looking at pictures of my Mother at work, etc in her 20s ... she was the cat meow of hair styles. And stylist "brought" clothes. BUT I wore my brother's hand me down jeans. I learned to sew, brought my own pattens & cloth AND then made by myself, skirts and jumpers. And STOLE my brother's old jeans that he outgrew them to wear as I muck out horse stalls next door .. to earn money to buy cloth to make basic items (dresses and jumpers were easier than blouses).

For my Junior Year PROM, my aunt (dad's side) took me to her salon to get my hair done. Never occurred to my mother ... prom dress came from that aunt also. My dad did take a picture in our house. I think the boy's father drove us to/from the Prom.

I skipped my Senior Year Prom ... and left home in August for college 1000 miles away. And my roommate spent the next 6+ months BLASTING the clothes I wore .... until I had enough and pulled a TRENCH COAT out of my closet in Florida ... and stated, "This is the ONLY thing in MY CLOSET my mother brought me. Until you can say that about the clothes in your closet, SHUT UP".

Her comments about shopping with her mother ALL SUMMER LONG for her new college outfits had finally gotten to me. And when she came back for her sophmore year ... with another set of new clothes. Those "Freshman 15" added up to "FRESHMAN 50" on her. And my jeans still looked GREAT on me ... she wore puffy, cheap pants suits.

 

[GT75]

I was so upset to read the first article in Ask Ann. We are privileged to be "stand-in" grandparents to a 9-year-old 3rd-grade girl who happens to also be Latino. It was our honor to attend grandparents' day at her school just last week. Her real grandparents obviously cannot attend because they live in another country. She was so proud to give us a report of her activities this past year. We have also taken her with us last year to HHI (which happens to also be a timeshare vacation) on our annual family vacation since she is the same age as my granddaughter. Anyway, she has beautiful, thick, near waist-length hair. I know for a fact that hair is especially important for a person of color. To me, this definitely looks like a "racist" act by the grandparents.

 

[VacationForever]

We grew up not being allowed to have long hair because my father hated long hair. He said proper girls should only have short hair. He said girls with long hair were whores. I grew out my hair to shoulder length when I was in university. He bit his lips and said nothing. I was surprised that he did not yank me off to a hairdresser to cut them off.

 

[Patri]

In this case cutting the hair may have been racist, but maybe they didn't like the DIL for other reasons (ie no one was good enough for their son). It doesn't matter. This act was awful even if the children were white. Grandparents cannot cross that boundary in any family. I feel bad for the mom. Brushing and braiding the girls' hair was a wonderful bonding time. I agree there should be only supervised time together from now on. Both those grandparents are just weird, mean and passive aggressive.

 

[ottawasquaw]

Well, we all learned a little bit about hair, or I did!
I'm starting to realize how lucky I was to enjoy holidays and vacations with 20+ people all the time. Lots of us girls had long, pretty hair. That was a regular morning ritual - moms and aunts fixing our hair and later, the big sisters taking over. It never occurred to me that this should be considered "ethnic."
Of course the grandparents overstepped and are nuts. Kudos to the momma for not saying anything. Hair does grow out again.
I was also blessed that my parents would take my boys when I had to work and they did not have school. Once when they were in grade school, my dad had the town barber cut their hair with the university logo shaved in their cut. Not sure if my dad had only stopped in for the local gossip or the barber (who is a sweet man who I dearly love) was just proud of his handiwork. I had to get out the clippers and shave their heads as their school did not allow such things. LOL!
I have to wonder if the son was not the most hurt by his parents' actions. It is hard to know if his parents just didn't have any experience with little girls and long hair. Not everyone does.

 

[Trudyt623]

I have to wonder if the son was not the most hurt by his parents' actions. It is hard to know if his parents just didn't have any experience with little girls and long hair. Not everyone does.[/QUOTE]

Ottawasquaw, you are giving these people too much credit. Their actions were mean spirited. As a wife and mom of two beautiful children I too have a mother in law who is insensitive to the point where she is down right mean at times. She has never treated my children like there are her grandchildren, she is pleasant to them but not loving or interested in them. It is painful to my husband and after almost 20 years he still yearns for her acceptance of our children. I have accepted the situation and thank God daily that my children have 2 loving parents who will move heaven and earth for them. Fortunately, for her and me she knows not to do anything this disrespectful because I would not be able to stay quiet.

Trudy

 

[VacationForever]

Talking about in-laws. My first husband was brought up by grandparents and he just never wanted to visit his parents who lived in another country. His parents called him on the phone and said something like "You need to come and see us even though your wife does not want you to come." He just kept quiet and was glad to have them blame me because he had no backbone. I was furious but I stopped short of calling them back. This and a million things are why he is my ex.

 

[taterhed]

I'll comment again...with no disrespect for anyone.
A comment was made above

I know for a fact that hair is especially important for a person of color.

I hear what you are saying....but I think you meant, " I know for a fact that hair can be especially important (or significant) for a person of color (or faith). "

I'll acknowledge that and raise you another $100: Hair length, style of coif, combs, braiding, coverings, hats etc.... can be very significant or even a cornerstone of a person's heritage, religion or identity. Many religions and cultures both foreign and domestic (or worldwide!) have strict beliefs, ideas or strictures about how a man or woman (or child) should dress or wear their hair etc....

With all that said--quite 'PC'--I find it totally inappropriate for anyone except the parents or guardians of a child to force or coerce a child to radically cut their hair in a manner than cannot be easily undone or might damage the child's self image, cultural identity or religious precepts. Obviously, there might be some teenage angst situations that could test this theory, but the parents should still be consulted.

Sorry, but if the story is to be believed....chopping 2+ feet of hair off a young girl without discussing this with the parents/guardians is totally inappropriate.
What if I said the grandparents of a young girl with naturally black hair, normally worn in 'afro' style, sudden had the girl's hair straightened and dyed blond so she would look 'normal' and her hair would be 'easier' to keep clean? Would this seem normal? Hmm. Me thinks not. Not sure if this story is real, but the idea still burns me up.