Cliff refused to get in the passenger seat today

[clifffaith]

Hoping this brings you some peace of mind - all banking employees are trained in Elder Abuse. Financial Advisors may have the same sort of training. I would think if you have been with your FA any time at all, a simple phone call and/or email would be appropriate.

On the other hand, when a financial employee hears from the "children" or other relatives who are typically younger, a red flag goes up. Over the years I've taken the craziest phone calls of this nature and in those cases, the POA means diddly squat which is what may have happened to the other person who responded about her mother. Your accounts are Joint. You won't have any say on any Individual accounts such as his IRA, but the rest? Yes! You do have a say!

There's a big difference between calling in as an unknown person to a financial institution (a lot of times it's a Call Center) and actually having a personal relationship with an employee. I trust yours is the latter?

Father and son advisors both know us.

 

[clifffaith]

It felt like a normal afternoon yesterday. Cliff seemed to be in good spirits. He ate half a cup of chili and had 1.5 beers at lunch, then played canasta for two hours with our two lunch companions before going downstairs to read the paper in the clubhouse for a couple hours.

Then it started up over dinner. Why do you think I shouldn’t drive. I want to take a driving test. Then some comments about Reata Glen’s transportation options (there are several but they don’t drive as far away (40 minute drive) as UCI. Changing to nearby doctors is absolutely an option, and we have discussed this in the past). He ate very little dinner; the last couple of months he does this staring at his plate routine as if it is a chore to get through. He often sits not eating for five minutes or more while everyone else is eating before he starts. I wouldn’t be surprised if the cancer that is lurking somewhere is in his stomach.

 

[heathpack]

I wouldn’t be surprised if the cancer that is lurking somewhere is in his stomach.

Or the brain. This would be rare for bladder cancer but it does occur.

 

[First Class]

My FIL, normally a friendly, mild mannered man with slight dementia, had a behavior change (became combative) while in nursing care. He had known bladder cancer under control, but it turned out that he had recurring UTIs that caused the change. Once the UTI cleared his behavior went back to normal too. It wouldn't hurt to mention the possibility to one of his doctors.

 

[clifffaith]

Or the brain. This would be rare for bladder cancer but it does occur.

I think the possibility of cancer in his brain isn’t as much of an issue as the MRI results from November 2022.

“Severe volume loss in the mesial temporal lobes and parietal lobes superimposed on mild generalized volume loss. The findings can be seen in the setting of Alzheimer's dementia.”

The neurologist’s comment was “meh, these guys writing these reports… blah, blah, blah”. Basically disparaging the written comments in favor of his own opinions. That doctor retired from seeing patients two years ago (good riddance) and our PCP has taken over.

 

[Tia]

I recognize most medical professionals want to aggressively treat cancer regardless of the patient's age but it feels like it's also important to consider the toll the treatment is taking on the person. The stress of the appointments and tests seem like they are hard for you both. It’s difficult to make a decision about how long to continue but I know my family made the decision to let my mother live her last months in peace rather than try to treat her bone cancer after it was diagnosed when she was well into her 80s and had memory loss from strokes.

I older friend was just telling me 2 weeks ago what one doctor told someone she knows, who is getting treatment for a condition they have to travel for , '' they'll put blood into a corpse'' ( it's the $$$)

 

[jp10558]

Getting to appointments is always a high stress situation, one that doctors don’t realize. Can any of his appointments be telehealth? Or maybe arrange for an uber?

Forget about any issues, it's a PITA getting to appointments even at 45 and working. Doctors have no concept, or at least the system or their staff have no concept of the difficulty sometimes of getting to appointments. They schedule like it's the only think in your day, and then they often reschedule with almost no notice. Then when you get there you often wait hours past the scheduled time. I've slowly been moving away from one system to one a city over, and while it's maybe 10 more minutes driving, it seems far more competent anyway. So far.

 

[rapmarks]

Forget about any issues, it's a PITA getting to appointments even at 45 and working. Doctors have no concept, or at least the system or their staff have no concept of the difficulty sometimes of getting to appointments. They schedule like it's the only think in your day, and then they often reschedule with almost no notice. Then when you get there you often wait hours past the scheduled time. I've slowly been moving away from one system to one a city over, and while it's maybe 10 more minutes driving, it seems far more competent anyway. So far.

I did same thing up north
I changed after doctors told me the lump I had was nothing even knowing I had active cancer
One of them told me she wasn’t going to accept me as a patient, as she put it a 79 year old with cancer. I drive the extra 15 minutes and it’s made a big difference
When you have active cancer, you might as well sign your life over to them. I had 10 to 15 appointments a week for four months and still see at least two a week.

 

[susieq]

I had 10 to 15 appointments a week for four months and still see at least two a week.

Oh my gosh!!! God love ya!!

 

[Talent312]

Sadly, my late wife wanted to drive even though impaired by her neurological condition.
I let her try in a safe place. She found that she could not put it in gear or move the pedals.
It was never mentioned again.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Forget about any issues, it's a PITA getting to appointments even at 45 and working. Doctors have no concept, or at least the system or their staff have no concept of the difficulty sometimes of getting to appointments. They schedule like it's the only think in your day, and then they often reschedule with almost no notice. Then when you get there you often wait hours past the scheduled time. I've slowly been moving away from one system to one a city over, and while it's maybe 10 more minutes driving, it seems far more competent anyway. So far.

What I started doing is now arriving to my appointment at the time that I had to wait... I always take the earliest appointment that I can get, today I had a 8:00am appointment at my PCP, two weeks ago he was two hours late to pull me back into a room the week before that he was 45 minutes late pulling me back to my room.

I had told them at my last appointment that my new rule is I will arrive to my scheduled appointment, at the time, based on how late from my appointment time that they get me into the examination room. My last appointment, was 2 weeks ago and I had a 8am appointment and got back at 10am, so as I checked out I stated I will be arriving 2 hours late, since this doctor is always late on his appointments. The nurse at check out stated "well you know emergencies happen" I stated that over the past year I have seen this doctor 8 times and each time I was brought back to the examination room on average of 1.5 hours late, so if emergency's alwasy happen, he needs to reassess his scheduling.

so I showed up today at 10:00am for my 8:00am appointment, the doctor was irritated that I arrived 2 hours late and I said to him, you have no right to be irritated as I am just doing what you do to me at every appointment, I can see a occasionally getting back to my room late for examination but not every flipping time...

After I left his appointment today, I called my insurance carrier and had them find me a new doctor... I work full time and I have no patience for this type of behaviour constantly....

 

[rapmarks]

What I started doing is now arriving to my appointment at the time that I had to wait... I always take the earliest appointment that I can get, today I had a 8:00am appointment at my PCP, two weeks ago he was two hours late to pull me back into a room the week before that he was 45 minutes late pulling me back to my room.

I had told them at my last appointment that my new rule is I will arrive to my scheduled appointment, at the time, based on how late from my appointment time that they get me into the examination room. My last appointment, was 2 weeks ago and I had a 8am appointment and got back at 10am, so as I checked out I stated I will be arriving 2 hours late, since this doctor is always late on his appointments. The nurse at check out stated "well you know emergencies happen" I stated that over the past year I have seen this doctor 8 times and each time I was brought back to the examination room on average of 1.5 hours late, so if emergency's alwasy happen, he needs to reassess his scheduling.

so I showed up today at 10:00am for my 8:00am appointment, the doctor was irritated that I arrived 2 hours late and I said to him, you have no right to be irritated as I am just doing what you do to me at every appointment, I can see a occasionally getting back to my room late for examination but not every flipping time...

After I left his appointment today, I called my insurance carrier and had them find me a new doctor... I work full time and I have no patience for this type of behaviour constantly....

Impressive! Laura I love your attitude.

I have many doctors and fortunately they are mostly on time.
Only one gets behind, that is the chemo oncologist. But he is being contacted constantly as I have witnessed with blood test results, adverse reactions, blood pressure too high or two low, checking on so many patients all day.

 

[SusanRN]

Every doctor/dentist I've dealt with in this area has a rule that if you are more than 15 minutes late for an appointment, they cancel it and make you reschedule. PITA, but understandable. Sometimes they'll "check with the doctor" who says they can "squeeze you in anyway." It keeps them pretty much on schedule.
Also, most use Press Ganey or another third-party healthcare evaluation company to obtain feedback on the visit and provider, including how long you had to wait to see the provider.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Impressive! Laura I love your attitude.

I have many doctors and fortunately they are mostly on time.
Only one gets behind, that is the chemo oncologist. But he is being contacted constantly as I have witnessed with blood test results, adverse reactions, blood pressure too high or two low, checking on so many patients all day.

@rapmarks ,

I have just decided I am not putting up with any *bleep* anymore, these doctors rush you thru the appointment and that's after you have waited forever in the waiting room to be called back.

I went to see my back specialist today, my appointment was at 9:00am, I got there at 8:45am and they called me into his examination room about 5 minutes later and he came to examine me almost immediately, I was back on the road and into my office at 9:50am

 

[rapmarks]

I just found out that a friend is moving away near her son because her husband has dementia and she feels she can’t handle him alone
This makes 7 friends who are currently in the situation where they can’t leave their husband alone.
Faith, you did the right thing by moving to “the old folks home”. Cliff is safe, you have friendships and activities.
Learn to deflect, you can’t change what is happening to him, you can only change how you respond to it.

 

[geist1223]

This is one reason why we have placed ourselves on a wait list for a CC Facility. You have to be independent care when you move in but they have full time nursing care and dementia care.

 

[Luanne]

This is one reason why we have placed ourselves on a wait list for a CC Facility. You have to be independent care when you move in but they have full time nursing care and dementia care.

A friend is urging me to do this She has her name on a list, but keeps telling them she's not ready. My husband won't ever consider it. It's very likely I will outlast him and I'm not sure I would want the upkeep of a house by myself.

 

[rapmarks]

A friend is urging me to do this She has her name on a list, but keeps telling them she's not ready. My husband won't ever consider it. It's very likely I will outlast him and I'm not sure I would want the upkeep of a house by myself.

There are days I say that, I have two homes and sometimes I get very discouraged.
I have a Handiman in Florida but no one in Wisconsin. I literally can’t change a lightbulb without help if the lightbulb is over 7 feet up. I won’t get on a ladder unless someone is around
I need a new roof and realized my husband always did that. But I have signed a contract and am getting it done.
I have a great Handiman in Florida, but he is a perfectionist . Some bushes died and so far my cost for him to dig them out and prepare the area for plants is over $400. This is just a small area. I have 6 other areas that need the same. My Handiman has big plans for all the landscaping. $$$$&&!
I used to spend several days shutting one house down and getting the other one ready. Now my Handiman does that for me. He even makes sure the car runs before I get back.
Cars were the other thing my husband always handled.
Anyhow all this costs money but old folks home would be much more.
I have many friends nearby and we look out for each other.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

A friend is urging me to do this She has her name on a list, but keeps telling them she's not ready. My husband won't ever consider it. It's very likely I will outlast him and I'm not sure I would want the upkeep of a house by myself.

Ouch! That's a difficult situation. Can you approach him on that basis - that if you continue in your current situation you will likely end up in that situation and is that what he wants for you?

That's pretty much the path that was taken by both my parents and DW's parents.

 

[Glynda]

This is one reason why we have placed ourselves on a wait list for a CC Facility. You have to be independent care when you move in but they have full time nursing care and dementia care.

I think that's a good idea. I'm finding that numerous places have assisted living and memory care but many have done away with long term skilled nursing.

 

[clifffaith]

I think that's a good idea. I'm finding that numerous places have assisted living and memory care but many have done away with long term skilled nursing.

We’ve discovered that there are some things that our skilled nursing can’t do. They will transport a patient somewhere else, and pick up most/all of the cost, but you are no longer on property. The one I most recently was aware of was someone who had to be temporarily fed through a tube in her stomach several years ago. She was placed in a facility that was able to handle that until she recovered.

 

[Glynda]

We’ve discovered that there are some things that our skilled nursing can’t do. They will transport a patient somewhere else, and pick up most/all of the cost, but you are no longer on property. The one I most recently was aware of was someone who had to be temporarily fed through a tube in her stomach several years ago. She was placed in a facility that was able to handle that until she recovered.

I can understand that.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

We’ve discovered that there are some things that our skilled nursing can’t do.

Be sure that you are aware of what "skilled nursing" means in your local setting. After I had corrective surgery for a peri-prosthetic fracture of my femur, I was discharged to "skilled nursing" for recovery and rehab. In CA, skilled nursing care does not mean being attended to by a nurse. 90% of the care is provided by nursing assistants, who are generally responsible for about 20 patients. A RN supervises four or five nursing assistants - most of the time I saw an actual nurse about every third day except in more medically significant situations (such as changing bandages). After pressing the call button for assistance, it could be up to 15 minutes before a nurses assistant would respond.

Skilled nursing in CA is not one step below hospital care; it is one step above home care.

 

[BJRSanDiego]

This is one reason why we have placed ourselves on a wait list for a CC Facility. You have to be independent care when you move in but they have full time nursing care and dementia care.

I live in an old folks home. Initially we were #67 on the wait list. We were told that it might take 2 to 5 years to get in. But later we learned that there were two lists - - one for external applicants and another for internal residents. So, we bought in to an apartment just to establish residency. That moved us up on the list to slot # 6. In 6 weeks we got a call that unexpectedly a villa had opened up and the first 5 didn't take it for their own personal reasons.

So, if you want to speed things up, talk to the retirement home and see if they have both an internal and external list.

One fellow here said "I'd rather be 2 years early in coming here instead of 2 minutes late".

 

[geist1223]

At this Facility if you change the the type of Unit you want after you move in there is a $10K fee. They remodel each unit completely between tenants.