Thoughtlessness is Depressing Me

[heathpack]

Y’all, I’m feeling sad/depressed right now, which is out of character for me.

The precipitating event is that my 82 yr old mother had a stroke 10 days ago. She already has mobility issues (back, knees, overweight) and the stroke has primarily affected the mobility of her right leg to the extent that she can’t walk. However- on the bright side- she is already improving, she lives in a continuing care community & is in their rehab hospital, she has lots of friends who are visiting and checking on her. She has good health insurance that will cover an aide if necessary to get back to independent living, and if not, assisted living is an option, albeit at a significantly decreased QOL.

So really as these things go, it’s not that bad of a situation, although obviously no stroke would be better. And I’m the only remaining child, and live 3000 miles away, which is less than ideal.

But the thing that depresses me is the family response.

Her only sister (79 yr) still hasn’t called her. I don’t understand why, they normally talk once a week. My Aunt has become increasingly obnoxious in recent years in her statements of her political beliefs, which differ from my Mom’s and Mom reports that Aunt frequently tries to bait her into political arguments. She refuses to get into arguments with Aunt but also doesn’t just go along with her (she changes the subject, or is non committal). So there is this undercurrent of discord in their conversations, but you’d think a sister could put that aside. I’ve spoken to my Aunt and encouraged her to call, but she responds she’ll wait for updates from me. Her grand daughter has spoken to my Aunt as well, similar response.

Then there’s my cousin. We grew up very close, there were four of us cousins who were tight, and two have died, so only two left. My Mom and I both occasionally talk to the remaining cousin, but it’s hard- she usually brings up some kind of implausible conspiracy theory, making it awkward to respond. You don’t want to argue but you don’t want to feed the conspiracy thinking either. But again, despite recent awkwardness, you’d think a person could put that aside for a close relative. I had to text my cousin a half dozen times, mentioning that my Mom had her cell phone and cousin could call directly. Finally after four days, my cousin called once to check on her. But nothing since.

Then there’s my niece- her only grand daughter, who is 20 years old, home from college and living 15 min away. Her mother (my SIL, my deceased brother’s wife) is a difficult person to say the least. They did visit my Mom twice when she was in the hospital before I could get there, but no visits or phone calls since. I called my SIL and left a message when I got in town suggesting we get together. They were “too busy” getting ready for a vacation and for the niece‘s semester abroad to grab a bite to eat. Then a few days later, I get a panicked call from SIL because their dog is sick. My gut told me to give them as much attention as they were giving me, but the dog turned out to be quite sick and I talked them through veterinary care on multiple occasions. They did cancel the vacation over the sick dog (there was no thought of cancelling over the sick human), which you think might free up time to visit or call the sick grandmother. Nope.

Meanwhile, my Mom mentions to me she needs a new IPhone cable. Ok, I say, let’s get you one ordered. I place an Amazon order, cable comes the next day and it’s a little short relative to the location of the plug in her room at rehab. I’m comparing it to her old iPhone cable and the old cable looks fine, but intermittently when I plug it into the phone the connection chimes repeatedly and the phone fails to charge (ie the cable could be defective). As I’m doing this, my Mom comments that “she” said Mom needs a new IPhone cable. I ask who “she” is and my Mom tells me Granddaughter. That was the kicker for me somehow- a 20 yr old who works at the local mall (so around stores routinely) tells her hospitalized, bed ridden non-techy grandmother that she needs a new IPhone cable but does zero to help her obtain a new IPhone cable. It was just so depressing.

I keep reminding myself of all the positives- my Mom is living in a great place, the aides and nurses are extraordinary, she has everything she needs and can afford it, our former neighbor works at my Mom’s community and is great, I can call her directly whenever. And my Mom has dozens of friends calling, visiting, sending cards. Medically, she’s doing better. There’s a lot to be grateful for.

But this family behavior has me in a serious funk. I need TUGGERs to give me their wisdom on this. How do I frame my own feelings to get to a better place emotionally? Are there new norms of behavior towards hospitalized close relatives that I’m behind the times on? Are my expectations simply too high?

Ugh

 

[Cornell]

First of all, I'm sorry about your mom. Very tough to watch and manage. Particularly from far away.

I, too, have been very disappointed by family etc through various crises throughout my life.
I still wrestle with this crap and it rears it's ugly head from time to time.

The only thing I can really say is to remember that you cannot control the behavior of others. And be careful to not fester over this too much b/c it will lead to resentment which is one of the worst emotions that there is.

Expectations are resentment waiting to happen.
-- Anne Lamott

 

[Passepartout]

I'm sorry for your Mom's situation. I can't offer anything but sympathy/empathy. My mom stroked some 20 years ago and I was her care giver, and saw how other friends/family became 'too busy' or for whatever reason Mom became more isolated, transitioning through independent living to rehab to assisted living to nursing home where she ultimately expired.

There are no short answers/quick fixes.

Sometimes the TUG shoulder to cry on and having a place to vent can make you feel that things you can't do anything about ar at least shared helps. Know that your TUG family is here to listen/read, as well as cheer for you and the dogs. You are an asset here and surely to your Mom and family, though it's hard to demonstrate.

Know that you and your Mom are in the hearts and minds of many people who care.

Jim

 

[DaveNV]

I'm sorry to hear of this situation. I can only imagine the stress this adds to your world.

My opinion is that you have to consider the source. If your Mother has the support of her friends and the staff at the Care Facility, then let it go. She is well cared for, has good people around her, and she will recover from her medical issues. That's the important thing.

You will not change the attitudes of your relatives. Until it becomes important for them to contact your Mom, they won't. If you force it, the contact won't be sincere. Let it go. Your Aunt, Cousin, and the Granddaughter are caught up in their own worlds, and will not be bothered to extend themselves because they're too focused on something else, and your Mom is not a priority for them. It's nothing personal, just business as usual for them, and they probably take your Mom for granted. I suspect your Mom has always been on top of her own life, and took care of herself, so they never had to worry about her. Why start now? They probably haven't considered that things with your Mom are different now. You know the difference, but they won't see it.

It could be, in the case of your Aunt, that she and your Mom had a political disagreement during a recent discussion, and she's feeling all butthurt about the situation. My experience is that people like that are easily offended, and tend to hold enormous grudges, often for the least reason. Again, you will not change them, so don't waste your energy.

Focus instead on your Mom's recovery. When she's better, let her deal with the other family members in her own way. I know, that's easier said than done. But in this case, there isn't really anything you can do.

Wishing your Mom a speedy recovery.

Dave

 

[klpca]

That is tough and I am so sorry that you and your mom are having to deal with this. I can't understand how people can let differences of opinion change their relationship with family members but it has happened in my family too. All three of my mom's siblings have shunned her. My brother called one of her siblings and asked what was up (we have *all* been shunned) and that's when we found out what the issue was - politics. My mom has always been a bit of a black sheep (i.e. first in the family to get a divorce which caused a huge uproar - but now everyone has at least one divorce on their resume lol) so I think that the political differences were just the last nail in the coffin. I have a hard time letting go of my memories of years past with our relatives but unfortunately they have made a choice to have lives that don't include my mom or her children. I still have a relationship with my cousins so maybe it will be healed by the next generation but I am afraid that my mom's generation is a write-off.

I agree with the others above that unfortunately you can't do anything about how the other family members behave. All that you can do is ask for what you want of those who aren't stepping up to the plate, i.e asking your niece to help her grandma with everything iPhone related, but in my experience don't get your hopes up. They are revealing their true spots here and unfortunately they are not what you thought they were. Thank goodness for her friends who are really picking up the slack! There is family by birth and family by choice and it sounds like your mom has attracted some truly thoughtful people, which is a reflection of who she is as a person. And don't give the others any more energy. There are only so many hours in a day so I wouldn't spend a whole lot on them; they certainly aren't spending a second on you or your mom.

I hope that your mom heals quickly.

 

[heathpack]

Expectations are resentment waiting to happen.
-- Anne Lamott

This is a great quote, although I might change it to “Expectations are disappointment waiting to happen.” I don’t really resent any of the relatives because I don’t except them to do anything substantial. It’s not as if I need them to help me with anything. But the disappointment is real because what it would take to make Mom feel loved is so trivial, a quick phone call or even a text. It’s the unwillingness to go to even the most minuscule effort that makes it so disappointing.

It was all made a little more emotional for me because I was staying in my Mom’s apartment. When I got there, I discovered she’d been sorting her photos. There was a big pile of Aunt/Cousin photos from throughout our lives, photographic proof of the previous depth of relationship. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, family vacations. I think my Mom’s intent was to copy those photos for my cousin and I but I couldn’t bring myself to discuss it with Mom. My sense was she was going to this effort but my cousin might not even care to have them. It just made me want to cry. And feel a little crazy, like I’m remembering the relationships differently than they really were.

 

[klpca]

This is a great quote, although I might change it to “Expectations are disappointment waiting to happen.” I don’t really resent any of the relatives because I don’t except them to do anything substantial. It’s not as if I need them to help me with anything. But the disappointment is real because what it would take to make Mom feel loved is so trivial, a quick phone call or even a text. It’s the unwillingness to go to even the most minuscule effort that makes it so disappointing.

It was all made a little more emotional for me because I was staying in my Mom’s apartment. When I got there, I discovered she’d been sorting her photos. There was a big pile of Aunt/Cousin photos from throughout our lives, photographic proof of the previous depth of relationship. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, family vacations. I think my Mom’s intent was to copy those photos for my cousin and I but I couldn’t bring myself to discuss it with Mom. My sense was she was going to this effort but my cousin might not even care to have them. It just made me want to cry. And feel a little crazy, like I’m remembering the relationships differently than they really were.

One more thing that I forgot to mention - I have found that a good therapist can help you put this jumble of feelings in an order that you can live with. The feelings of sadness, frustration, anger can be overwhelming, especially when dealing with all of them at once plus coping with your mom's current situation. After my husband had two significant health scares in 18 months I felt so off balance in my life that I lost interest in almost everything - even travel. A friend recommended a fantastic therapist and after a year or two of therapy I came out the other side a lot healthier mentally. It was such a positive experience for me. Obviously it is not for everyone but I mention it in case it seems like something you may be interested in.

 

[heathpack]

Thank goodness for her friends who are really picking up the slack! There is family by birth and family by choice and it sounds like your mom has attracted some truly thoughtful people, which is a reflection of who she is as a person.

I was talking to my Mom yesterday and she was telling me her friend Terry brought her some honey.

I was surprised and asked my Mom what’s up with the honey. She doesn’t need honey in rehab.

She told me that people don’t like to come empty handed, so they bring what they have. Terry is 92 years old, doesn’t drive, and had a fresh jar of honey she could give as a gift.

So she wrapped it up, made the long walk down to rehab, went to the effort of a COVID test, and then on for a nice visit with my Mom.

OMG the honey gift was so touching!

 

[Cornell]

This is a great quote, although I might change it to “Expectations are disappointment waiting to happen.” I don’t really resent any of the relatives because I don’t except them to do anything substantial. It’s not as if I need them to help me with anything. But the disappointment is real because what it would take to make Mom feel loved is so trivial, a quick phone call or even a text. It’s the unwillingness to go to even the most minuscule effort that makes it so disappointing.

It was all made a little more emotional for me because I was staying in my Mom’s apartment. When I got there, I discovered she’d been sorting her photos. There was a big pile of Aunt/Cousin photos from throughout our lives, photographic proof of the previous depth of relationship. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, family vacations. I think my Mom’s intent was to copy those photos for my cousin and I but I couldn’t bring myself to discuss it with Mom. My sense was she was going to this effort but my cousin might not even care to have them. It just made me want to cry. And feel a little crazy, like I’m remembering the relationships differently than they really were.

All I can say is that I can relate to EVERY SINGLE word that you've written here.

Another expression that has resonated with me which I think is relevant here is "every child has their own family". What I mean by that is that every person interprets their family differently than others within the family. Even siblings. So your Mom has a perception of her own relationships (eg. cousin) that is different than THEIR perception of the relationship.

Stating the obvious - try to focus your time, energy on your mom. You'll make the most impact. Hang tough. Life is very hard sometimes.

 

[heathpack]

… let it go.

Yeah at first I thought my Aunt and Cousin weren’t calling because they thought she couldn’t talk, or think clearly, or because they didn’t realize she had her cell phone. I guess I am slow on the uptake. It just never occurred to me that they’d actually be uninterested in calling. Once I figured that out, I did stop encouraging them to call. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do.

Niece and SIL’s behavior is completely in character. Still disappointing because you think at some point, with a serious enough problem, some kind of compassion might kick in. But if you'd asked me in advance what the Niece response would have been, I would have predicted zero visits. So the two hospital visits actually exceeded expectations. I keep thinking, she’s a young adult now, adult behaviors will start kicking in. But the truth is this is never going to change, I do realize that.

 

[Cornell]

Adding:

My sister became a widow shockingly and suddenly at a very young age. I witnessed and observed what went on in the days and weeks ahead. Many, many people "let me (and her) down" but many people that I didn't expect came out of the woodwork to provide support and care in ways I never would have guessed. I learned so much during that entire sad and tragic time.

 

[rickandcindy23]

The lack of caring by some family members can be disconcerting, but we cannot do anything about others. It sounds like her situation at the health care facility is good and that she is getting better.

I think this current behavior is a sign of the times--a new selfish attitude people have but then feel guilty about this selfishness after their loved one dies. Deal with things as they come and do not put off the visits, or you will be sorry one day. It's a fact of life. We all have choices.

I have been in this exact position with my parents, who didn't die unexpectedly, both had severe ongoing health issues from smoking cigarettes, and I knew that distance was a problem for one sister, and the other sister was so busy with her own life and the issues she was dealing with at home, she didn't have much time to do anything. I was just glad I had the time to help my folks any way I could. My dad's brothers and sisters stepped up and made sure he had visitors. They were all of the WWII era and all of the men served in WWII and returned. There was a brotherhood and sense of duty with all of them. He was the youngest of 8 and the second one to die. He was only 62. They grieved when he died.

My mom died 19 years ago, almost to the day, and her husband, my stepdad, eats dinner with us every night, when we are in town. He lives less than a mile from us. My mom knew we would care for him after she died, which is why she moved so close to me. My sister, who lives within 15 miles of us, would never lift a finger to take care of our stepdad. We have invited him on our trips to Orlando, Anaheim and Maui. I pay his way. It's the least I could do. He cared for mom for six years after her lung cancer diagnosis. He is now 88. At first I wanted him to move to Georgia to be with his daughters. But I never wanted to push him away, either, and the move might be too much for him, especially now.

I almost feel guilty for traveling as much as we do.

 

[klpca]

Yeah at first I thought my Aunt and Cousin weren’t calling because they thought she couldn’t talk, or think clearly, or because they didn’t realize she had her cell phone. I guess I am slow on the uptake. It just never occurred to me that they’d actually be uninterested in calling. Once I figured that out, I did stop encouraging them to call. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do.

Niece and SIL’s behavior is completely in character. Still disappointing because you think at some point, with a serious enough problem, some kind of compassion might kick in. But if you'd asked me in advance what the Niece response would have been, I would have predicted zero visits. So the two hospital visits actually exceeded expectations. I keep thinking, she’s a young adult now, adult behaviors will start kicking in. But the truth is this is never going to change, I do realize that.

After my husband's surgery for stage 3 cancer NONE of his siblings or parents reached out to him. NONE. I was so mad but what did I expect? These people shrink at the slightest uncomfortable situation. They don't talk about unpleasant issues. My husband keeps in touch with his entire family on a regular basis but he is always the one reaching out to them. That said, I mentioned my frustration to my oldest daughter who promptly reached out to each one of his siblings on social media. When I got home from work that evening, he was genuinely tickled to tell me that he had heard from his siblings. He honestly thought that they reached out of their own volition. Whatever - he was happy so I was happy too. On the other hand, during his recovery a neighbor came over whenever he wasn't working and they watched the golf channel together. Talk about an angel. I will never forget how kind he was.

Families are weird lol.

 

[heathpack]

On the other hand, during his recovery a neighbor came over whenever he wasn't working and they watched the golf channel together. Talk about an angel. I will never forget how kind he was.

Yeah it’s the same with this former neighbor I mentioned above. The neighbor and her family moved in next door when I was an adult, so I hardly knew them. But over the years, any little issue my Mom had, these neighbors were there to help her out, watch over her, be in touch with me. Such a godsend.

The neighbor was the first person to visit her in the hospital, brought her flowers, is still checking on her frequently. She even went and got a little bit of breakfast food and left it in my Moms apartment for me since I got in around midnight and she thought I might want a little something in the morning before heading to the hospital.

She has a daughter the same age as my niece. This girl occasionally calls or texts my Mom of her own accord, remembers her birthday, sometimes brings my Mom little presents. (My niece does none of those things.)

This woman is just plain old a GOOD PERSON. Cares about people. It *is* heartening to have her in our lives.

 

[b2bailey]

Reading this has been a juxtaposition of two subjects --
The thoughtlessness of family / the kindness of strangers.

Others here have extended their heartfelt sympathy.

For me, it was a reminder to hold NO expectations of my two children and 3 grandchildren. It's disappointing for me to think of it now; hope I won't be looking for miracles later.

At dinner with a friend recently, we were discussing the topic of cognitive decline. I said that since we both live alone, we don't have a daily observer. She said.. "But you have children." I'm proceeding as though I don't. I'm hoping she and I can become partners in this endeavor. (Knowing there is a person nearby who would sound an alarm if I need help.)

 

[rickandcindy23]

Reading this has been a juxtaposition of two subjects --
The thoughtlessness of family / the kindness of strangers.

Others here have extended their heartfelt sympathy.

For me, it was a reminder to hold NO expectations of my two children and 3 grandchildren. It's disappointing for me to think of it now; hope I won't be looking for miracles later.

At dinner with a friend recently, we were discussing the topic of cognitive decline. I said that since we both live alone, we don't have a daily observer. She said.. "But you have children." I'm proceeding as though I don't. I'm hoping she and I can become partners in this endeavor. (Knowing there is a person nearby who would sound an alarm if I need help.)

We are 67 and are going to have to face that in our old age. We won't count on our kids and shouldn't. They have their own lives to live, but let them live with the consequences of those actions, should they choose not to take care of elderly parents because as you reap, you will also sow, right?

Our son says he has a room in his new house for us, but it's going to be down a flight of stairs and the stairs are so wide that going down would be scary for an elderly person. You would never be able to hold on to both sides of the banister at once.

Rick's stepmom had a best friend that called her every day, until her best friend died. When that happened, she asked if Rick and I could call her every day around 8:30 AM. Rick called her most days, and if he forgot, she would call us. That was a good beginning of a great relationship between the three of us because we were not close to her from about 1979 on, but when Rick's dad died in 2004, he told her to call whenever she needed anything, and she did. As most of you know, she went to Maui, Kauai, The Big Island, and Oahu with us on many trips. He also built her a deck and a shed in her backyard.

Rick and his dad were estranged from the time he found out that Rick's mom, Dad's ex, was visiting us frequently. It was like we were choosing Rick's birth mom over him in his deranged mind. I will never understand.

When Rick's dad passed, we went to the funeral and had hardly seen him to know where his heart was, but Rick's stepmom wanted Rick to do the eulogy, and he did, being the speaker he is, plus his other boys were not ones to speak in front of a bunch of strangers, and for different reasons. Many people came up to Rick, decked out in his dress uniform he only wore to funerals (Denver Fire Department) and told him how very proud his dad was of him. Rick's dad was also on the fire department. What a surprise that was. Why didn't he show that pride with Rick? It's baffling.

Anyway, long story short, Rick's dad did come to our daughter's wedding, he cried like a baby, out loud in the church. He was missing that relationship, apparently. Rick sang during the wedding, and that is what started the tears flowing. My sisters were shocked that he was that heartbroken. That was late May of 2004 and he died that August. We had no idea how really bad he was getting. He was only 73. You always think you would have time, but sometimes you do not. Rick feels a lot of guilt for not taking some time to visit with him regularly. Guilt is a terrible thing, and it's tough to live with. Rick deals with that sadness.

I feel for anyone who chooses not to visit an elderly relative, especially a child, a grandchild, or a sibling. Those are the ones we want around us during the bad times. And those are the ones who will feel guilty in the end.

If Rick passes before me, I plan to move into a small place with my photo albums and my comfortable chair. I don't care what else is in the small apartment where I live, but I hope the kids and grandkids still visit me.

 

[Jodyv]

This post has been something many of us can identify with. Some of your responses have been so helpful. Some of the insights shared have been amazing. The story about the honey is one I don't want to forget. I care for my 98 year old mother. Sometimes she is simply amazing. (Sometimes not.....) I'm also feeling sadness about how the isolation of a family member seems to equal forgotten. It doesn't help that hearing makes telephone conversations difficult, eyesight causes other difficulties and covid caused such isolation. My mother's joy at seeing the newest great grandchild is wonderful. Her criticism of my bedmaking skill makes me know she's not finished with me yet. I feel an incredible sadness knowing she will leave soon. She is the last of her generation. She's my connection to all the heroes who fought in WWII. Looking at the family pictures of younger (and honestly happier) looking people makes us a little sad. (I think it's called nostalgia). Talking to a therapist is a great idea. Who ever knew that our own aging would be so complicated?

 

[heathpack]

I have received two text updates from my sister in law about her dog. No inquiries about my Mom!

 

[klpca]

I have received two text updates from my sister in law about her dog. No inquiries about my Mom!

Time to reply with mom updates.

 

[slip]

I have received two text updates from my sister in law about her dog. No inquiries about my Mom!

And don't expect any.

My father gave me a lot of advise over the years. One really stuck with me at a young age. I don't know why it did but it has served me well over my life. It has even kept me calm and out of the drama of others.

Don't worry about the things you can't control. Many different versions out there and it's a simple statement but not simple to follow.

Sometimes it's not easy. I really think it has helped me because I took it to heart at a young age.

Concentrate on what you are doing with your mother and continue on. If your mother inquires about someone, encourage her to call them.

Keeping your mind on what your doing, keeps your mind off of others.

 

[Tia]

Hugs to you heathpack , and anyone else that needs a virtual hug. Lots of positive support being offered by many here.

 

[DeniseM]

I have received two text updates from my sister in law about her dog. No inquiries about my Mom!

I would be tempted to only respond with an update on your mom, as if that was what she asked.

 

[nerodog]

I have received two text updates from my sister in law about her dog. No inquiries about my Mom!

Selfish

 

[nerodog]

I'm reading all these posts and like others can relate. There always seems to be one designated caretaker in a family and others shirk their own responsibility. With covid it has made distanced families even more distant. My mom missed seeing her 83 yr old sister last visit because of covid. There's been no mention of seeing my mom who is 96! This years visit. Contact has been limited.

I will not scold, I will not call and beg her, I am bringing my mom to see my friends and other family members. I feel that I'm taking care of her and providing an excellent quality of life. Those that don't want to be a part of it so be it. To me, their true colors are displayed for all to see. God bless you and your mom. Big hugs from afar.

 

[nerodog]

Or not even respond at all. You are too busy with your Mom.

I would be tempted to only respond with an update on your mom, as if that was what she asked.