Teen Daughter(s)

[am1]

I agree with everything you said, but one thing that we cannot change with culture is the girl being left holding the bag.

The girls makes the first choice. In two-thirds of the cases the guy gets to make his choice after.

 

[DeniseM]

Here is something to consider: I taught teenage moms for 35 years. 95% of the fathers of their babies were out of high school adult males over the age of 18 - not high school boys.

This is an example of protecting them from situations that they aren't ready for. There is a huge inequality of power in a relationship between a teenage girl, and an adult man.

So, the next question is, WHERE were their parents?

1) They "trusted them"
or
2) They did not know where their daughter was or who they were with
or
3) The girl snuck out
or
4) They were actually OK with their daughter being with an older guy
or
5) The parents were doing their own thing and were absentee parents

 

[SueDonJ]

Here is something to consider: I taught teenage moms for 35 years. 95% of the fathers of their babies were out of high school adult males over the age of 18 - not high school boys.

This is an example of protecting them from situations that they aren't ready for. There is a huge inequality of power in a relationship between a teenage girl, and an adult man.

Another good one. As much as we could we used our influence to have both Steve and Eileen "date" - or whatever it is they do in high school - with local kids from their own grades.

As it happens Steve's Denise was a grade year ahead of him, Eileen's Evan is three years older than her. Both relationships developed when they were all in college and they're all married now. But I wonder what would have happened if Eileen and Evan had met during high school because as much as we love him we wouldn't have been happy then with her as a freshman having a relationship with him as a senior. And, if Steve and Denise had gone to the same school I wonder because then he happily socialized only with local kids in his own grade. Funny how things have worked out for them as adults, but even with hindsight I don't think I would have encouraged either of their relationships back then. They needed to grow up and into them.

... 4) They were actually OK with their daughter being with an older guy

This is a weird thing, a status thing. There are a LOT of mothers out there who encourage their daughters to "date" upperclassmen, and a LOT of fathers who encourage their daughters to "date" the sports stars who are mostly upperclassmen. The thought made me nervous.

 

[SueDonJ]

Greg, make yourself familiar with Urban Dictionary and other sites that explain the current teen lingo and actions, the current communication models and meanings, the current drugs/alcohol that are "in vogue." A whole lot what you'll find is disgusting and will terrify you, but it's best to Be Prepared. You want to make sure that you understand whatever it is you might hear.

And the best advice we ever got from a guidance counselor was, "go through their stuff when you think something is wrong. At least through 10th grade and beyond if it's warranted, go through their stuff. You'll find things that they don't want you to find, which is important, but you'll also find things that they were supposed to give to you but their brains didn't set it as a priority. Don't be a sneak about it and don't apologize for it. It's Your Job."

We didn't completely rob them of their privacy but if it seemed like they were hiding something, we asked them to empty their backpacks in front of us. Eileen kept a diary and knew that if we suspected she was getting into something over which she had no control, we'd read it. (We never had to, but we would have. Anytime I came across it I asked her to hide it somewhere new because as much as teens have temptation issues, sometimes so do parents. )

 

[Free2Roam]

Don't freak out when you hear/see something unexpected... she will shutdown if you do.

Chat with her especially during car rides. When my kids were young someone suggested that teens tend to feel more relaxed, and open up more when riding beside you than they do when they're face to face, looking you in the eye. Mine did.

Most importantly... enjoy the fact that YOU are driving and she isn't!! Scariest moments of my life were teaching them to drive and then letting them loose on the road solo.

 

[geekette]

For this generation teen pregnancy is not as much a stigma for teen girls as it was for ours, and teen boys are statistically more likely to support their children (even outside of "shotgun" marriages.) Whether it's a good or bad thing that they're more accepting of their bodies' natural instincts can be debated, but of course no parent wants their teen to have to deal with such an adult issue before they're ready.

I believe, though, that it's not a good thing to teach girls that they and not the boys will be held responsible for mutual actions. "Good girls don't, and boys don't respect bad girls" is a tenet that IMO harms girls much more than it helps them.

It's not a teaching, it's a truism, boys get to walk away, girls get stuck with the stigma and everything else, including possibly motherhood lifetime committment. Boys don't have this problem, and there isn't a lot of boy shaming.

Most definitely, girls need to know they are the ones that will be left with the baby and the full responsibility whether or not the male mans up. I don't think single fatherhood will ever reach the volume of single motherhood.

 

[am1]

It's not a teaching, it's a truism, boys get to walk away, girls get stuck with the stigma and everything else, including possibly motherhood lifetime committment. Boys don't have this problem, and there isn't a lot of boy shaming.

Most definitely, girls need to know they are the ones that will be left with the baby and the full responsibility whether or not the male mans up. I don't think single fatherhood will ever reach the volume of single motherhood.

That is one take on it.

The other is the male does not have any choice in it. The girl gets to make that decision alone. About a 3rd decide for whatever reason that they are not ready to be a parent. Is it no wonder that some males do not want to be a parent then either?

Not an easy situation and there is no solution.

 

[joewillie12]

Hey Greg,

Have we scared the @%&# out of you yet?

 

[davidvel]

Have fun Greg! I think that my husband and I enjoyed our girls high school years almost as much as they did. Even though we have three daughters, we were and remain a drama free house.

Let them have choices and decisions that are theirs to make. Choose your battles wisely. Most things aren't worth fighting about. Save the fights for things that matter.

Clothes - unless it's skanky, let them choose what to wear.
Room - they live in it - if it's messy, close the door. (Once in a while, spend a quality afternoon with them cleaning it out. Take them out for starbucks later as a reward. Our only rule about the room was the "no food" rule, which seemed very reasonable to me and the girls went along with it).
School - For us, this was the priority, but we never stressed the actual letter grade. We stressed effort.

For our part, as parents we tried to:
Have family dinner together every night. (Family dinner was difficult during high school, but have a salad earlier and push dinner back if possible. Make it a priority.) Friends were always welcome.
Praise in public, criticize in private.
Model a good sense of humor.
Volunteer in your kids school activities.
Encourage them to make good choices. (I must have said this a lot. My kids jokingly say "make good choices" to each other when they go out at night with their friends. They have even offered that advice to my husband and I when we go out )

My youngest graduated in 2009. Time flies! I truly miss those days.

This was great. Thank you!

 

[Teresa]

klpca gave you some good, common sense advice.

To add to that - some strategy: When my oldest was about 11 years old, I sat her down and told her that it was her job to pull away a bit from us because she was getting closer to being an adult and she was to think for herself and try new things. Of course, I was always there to help with anything. I also told her it was my job to hold onto the rope and pull her back if necessary (sometimes hard!) if she was going to get into trouble that was 'too much'. I also told her that, at certain times and soon, I would think she was a complete idiot - and she would feel the same way about me (that I was a complete idiot). And then she said, 'soon?' (we both laughed about that.)

Except in an exceptional circumstance (where the teen doesn't do anything that the parents don't agree with) no matter what happened - I would be right. At least about her thinking I was a complete idiot! Or that I would pull her rope. She'd been warned!

My youngest daughter was 'upset' a lot about what other people were saying about her - true or not (mostly not). She didn't start 'regular' school until 11th grade (homeschool previously) so she wasn't used to how 'gossip-y' some school 'kids' act. So I told her, 'Other people will figure it out.' 'What's that supposed to mean?', she asked. If this person says you're mean (or whatever), you really don't need to defend yourself a bunch. As others get to know you, they'll see that you're not like that at all. And who looks like he/she's wrong now? And if you don't spend a lot of time defending yourself (go ahead and do some!) then it can't escalate into other things. She's starting her second year of college now and she has said several times now, 'that is SO true!' I think she secretly relishes the fact that these 'gossipers' look 'stupid' so often.

On an academic note: when your children are taking tests and quizzes - have them make sure they answer the question asked. You'd be surprised how often you can get an answer wrong because you weren't comprehending the question right. So my kids got drilled in their heads to make sure their answer was truly answering the question by re-reading the question after they answered it to check. Adults can use this same strategy when answering questions from their children!

Good luck!

 

[John Cummings]

We never had any problems at all with our daughter nor our son. They were great kids and are great adults. My wife and I were always very involved in their sports and activities. We really all loved to hang out together and still do.

 

[mjm1]

A lot of very good advice here.

We had a very challenging daughter. I suggest watching who they are associating with as that has a huge impact. Also, if she plays sports or is involved in any organized activities, and wants to quit, watch carefully. We were told that can be a real sign of trouble. It certainly was in our daughter's case. Those were very difficult years for us. The issue of older boys certainly rang true for us as well.

Greg, we wish, Jonell, your daughter and your entire family the best. Hopefully, all goes well with only minor, if any, bumps along the way.

Mike

 

[PigsDad]

If it gets overwhelming, you can always go this route:

[youtube]MGXSPf9b-xI[/youtube]

:hysterical:

Kurt

 

[Ty1on]

If it gets overwhelming, you can always go this route:

[youtube]MGXSPf9b-xI[/youtube]

:hysterical:

Kurt

"We can give her eyes to someone who will actually use them to read a book"

I'm dead over here!

 

[SueDonJ]

If it gets overwhelming, you can always go this route:

[youtube]MGXSPf9b-xI[/youtube]

:hysterical:

Kurt

She may murmur, "are you for real killing me right now?"

HAHAHAHA!!!

 

[Pat H]

My three, 2 boys and a girl, were only 3 yrs 3 mos apart in age from first to third, so I had 3 teens at the same time for several years. DD was the youngest and I was a single parent who worked almost an hour away. The boys were non-responsive, just grunts when asked anything while DD talked non-stop. She was VERY moody and you never knew who was going to show up. We lived in an area where you had to drive to get to anything so I think that was a help for the boys plus they were very involved with sports as was my daughter. There were times when I really wanted to run away but of course, I never did.

Only advice I have is don't sweat the small stuff. A messy room, purple hair, ripped jeans, etc, are not that important. My youngest graduated high school in 2001 and now I have 10 granchildren. We all survived but it wasn't always easy.

 

[taterhed]

Well, here goes....

Before I even start.
I have 2 amazing kids. One in college (very successful) and one graduated (very successful). I am blessed. They are both normal, happy, healthy, productive individuals. Now, about the journey to this point.

One child was harder, one was easier. Hold on to your hats--the boy was the easy and responsible one.

After raising my kids and observing my friends kids, I am truly convinced: teenagers are truly insane (at times). They are incapable of controlling their moods and actions 24/7/365. They need love, support, boundaries, rules and ways to excise their excess anger, energy, hormones etc....

Some good books:
#1 Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager (Amazing book--not just for out of control teens!)
Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind
The Price of Privilege
Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager
http://www.usc.edu/programs/cwfl/worklife/docs/parents_teen_tools.pdf


A few facts to know:
Your teen will be occasionally 'out of control.' If you push them hard enough, they will do things you will both regret. They need support and activity (exercise, work, pets, family groups etc..) to melt the tension away and let the 'crazy' pass. Teens are capable of injuring themselves or others if given sufficient stimulus for a long-enough period of time. Really.

Your teen wants limits, rules and a good example. They see all, hear all and pay attention--they just pretend they don't hear/see you.

They want and need PARENTS--not buddies or friends or 'a cool mom'

Their lives are as hard as yours--just in completely different ways. Being entitled, rich, educated etc... doesn't make their life easy. Discipline and self control are hard and can't be bought given or found on CL.

If your kid doesn't respond to love, nurture, support, empathy, encouragement etc... begin to remove the unnecessary things they have. Start with electronics (phone, TV, Computer, Internet, music), clothes, cars....and remove the door to the room and let them sleep on the floor if necessary. Reward good behavior or goal achievement by returning necessities, privileges and (last) toys. this is painful, but it works.

Kids are family and inside your head. They can push buttons on your psyche that will hurt you and injure you like nobody else (except family). Imagine the most painful thing that anyone could ever say to you. They will stick a hot poker on that spot and twist it repeatedly. ('Dad, I hate you....' is child's play. They'll go way beyond that). Your job--a tough one--is to be mature enough NOT to find their most vulnerable spot and use your superior vocabulary, volume and authority to try and make them hurt worse than you feel. It's not an easy task. Button pushing is destructive, emotional and potentially harmful to both kids and parents. Some things said out-loud really never can be taken back.

so, after all that 'philosophic soap box advice....' a few practical tips.

I think teens should sit with you for at least one meal, snack or chat period a day. No phones for you or them. Just family talk time.

I think parents should always present a unified front. Anything else is failure and will be exploited by your child--sometimes subconsciously.

I think teens should not have an unrestricted access to internet on computers or phones. Yes, their friends might, but mine didn't until 18. How much of that crap does it take to ruin the mind of a child?

I think teens should have work or chores or, if you don't want them working, should have mandatory, scheduled, formal volunteer time. Kids that don't work or contribute do not appreciate the value of labor. IMHO.

I think all teens should have a gps tracker installed on the car. Alternatively, on the cell phone--if you can get reliable results. It's not expensive and worth every penny. The first time you have no idea where your kid is at 2am--no idea at all--you will begin to loose your mind. With the tracker, you will know their location, their speed (if exceeding) and when they leave the local area. Very handy. They often forget it's on the car or make excuses why they can't skip school--cause dad's got the gps tracker.... I'm not joking.

Someday, your kid will thank you for being responsible, patient and loving. That day, you will know you did a good job. Until then, you might wonder!