Stay At Home Humor

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[plpgma]

View attachment 27504

Dave

Congrats, DaveNV, on taking this thread over the 100 tab mark!

 

[DaveNV]

Congrats, DaveNV, on taking this thread over the 100 tab mark!

Wow! I guess I should stop trying to be funny now?

I should go back to Page 1 and see how many of my jokes are actually humorous. LOL!

Dave

 

[Quilter]

Wow! I guess I should stop trying to be funny now?

I should go back to Page 1 and see how many of my jokes are actually humorous. LOL!

Dave

you don’t have to go through all 100 pages. Simply put your screen name in an advanced search.

 

[Passepartout]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Passepartout]

View attachment 27527

Dave

And a window to empty it out from!

 

[Luanne]

 

[Passepartout]

 

[Tank]

I’m from The Cleveland Area Soooo
This week this one I found funny ,,,
Browns / Stealers week
Going to be fun
Go Browns!!!

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

Dave

Sourced where I have info ....

"My wife and I. We sleep in different rooms. We have dinner apart. We take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to stay together. - Rodney Dangerfield

"Take my wife. Please?" - Henny Youngman

"My wife was so wild. One time I asked her to make French toast, and she stuck her tongue in the toaster." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But I'm not ready for an institution." - Mae West.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house" - Lewis Grizzard

"Love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener."

"The secret of a happy marriage is to tell your spouse everything but the essentials."

"All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner." - Red Skelton

"Always get married early in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted a whole day." - Mickey Rooney

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I got married.' - Lewis Grizzard

"If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers."

"The reason husbands and wives do not understand each other is because they belong to different sexes." - Dorothy Dix

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening. So I said to her, 'What's the matter? You can't think of anybody either?'" - Rodney Dangerfield

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." - Tallulah Bankhead

"Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved."

"The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment" - Malcolm Muggeridge

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since." - Arturo Toscanini

"My mother-in-law broke up our marriage. One day my wife came home early from work and found us in bed together." - Lenny Bruce

"For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.' - Quentin Crisp

"He who hesitates is a damned fool." - Mae west

"I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth." - Chico Marx

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."

"It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up." - Joan Rivers

"It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger."

"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."

"If you want to read about love and marriage you need to buy two different books." - Alan King

"A spouse lasts as long as the marriage, but an ex is forever."

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him." - Cher

"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right." - Richard Pryor

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried." - Mae West

"Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis." - Garrison Keillor

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring in a shop window for a long time. You may love it when you get it home. but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house." _ Jean Kerr

"Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage." - Gloria Steinem

"I know what love is. Tracy and Hepburn. Bogart and Bacall. Romeo and Juliet. Jackie and John and Marilyn ..." - Ian Shoales

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." - Groucho Marx

"Men play the game. Women know the score." - Roger Woddis

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[mentalbreak]

Truth.

 

[amycurl]

 

[Passepartout]

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[Ken555]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[DaveNV]

Dave

 

[clifffaith]

@DaveNV I've told my story before about watching the contractor use geometry out loud and on paper to figure out what he was doing with the steps and driveway slope. I was astounded -- why didn't they use practical applications like this in class?! That being said, any time I had an arch or angled window treatment that needed figuring I went to Cliff. He hadn't "memorized" that sort of calculation (which is what I was forced to do, although I cheated and had it written down so I could price in the customer's house where exact numbers didn't affect the cost), he had a deep rooted understanding as to how the math works.

 

[clifffaith]

View attachment 27590

Dave

OMG, I was to the "Jolene please take my man" stage months ago!

 

[clifffaith]