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Proof of what is a good life?

AnnaS

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I guess I am screwed then. No friends or family nearby and if we don't move soon I am going to go insane as I need to form some kind of bond with some people- even if it is one or two. Husband is not social- more of a loner. Quiet. I need conversation and some laughter,, too.

I thought maybe you were looking for something like a roof over your head, heat in the winter and water and food. Thankfully I have that.

And- yes- thankfully we can take a few vacations here and there. One thing I am not happy with if we give back our timeshare is that there are some owners that have been going the same week as us and I like seeing them year after year, though we mostly just chat a bit by the pool- nothing social after that- like dinner or an activity or whatever.

That is mainly because most of them have their grown kids and grandchildren with them and naturally are involved with them. We don't have that. We have our son with us a couple of days, but he is a man and mostly does his own thing understandably.

It is also because my husband does not "get involved" with anyone. Like go play a game of volleyball with the guys or go for a hike or just even have a conversation.Don't get me wrong- IF he is at the pool- which is rare- and someone talks to him he will be cordial and talk with them if it is something he can relate to. But again- a rarity. He never initiates a conversation- nope.

It's lonely for sure but I plow through. Doesn't seem to bother my husband. He can sit around all day- watch TV- even on vacation- and not speak to anyone. SMH....



Can you join a club? Volunteer? Church, nursing home, hospital, school, Meals on Wheels, etc.

Winters must be hard....The days are long. I feel for you.
 

AnnaS

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I can sympathize with you MaryAnn, my husband can’t make conversation except with one or two friends, we have basically no friends because people act like it is catching. We used to strike up conversations with people at time shares, but that hadn’t happened for years. Of course, I can no longer have a conversation with him.

:(

Don't let it stop you though. Strike up a conversation with someone every chance you get!!!!
 

WinniWoman

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Can you join a club? Volunteer? Church, nursing home, hospital, school, Meals on Wheels, etc.

Winters must be hard....The days are long. I feel for you.

Yes. But I have been busy with handling my husband's retirement stuff and building a house long distance.Add to that just the daily chores that must be done and the day goes. It is really hard because we can't really "plant" ourselves here since we know we will be here just a couple of more months (hopefully). Volunteering for me would just be work and I definitely don't need more of that or be tied to a commitment.

I have an overwhelming list of things that will soon have to be done for our move. After just going through it 3 months ago, I am not looking forward to it this time long distance. This is all I do all day. This is my job. 7 months of it and getting old fast.

What I crave is a little bit of socializing here and there and good friendship- but that takes time to develop. No sense now as we will be leaving. Sigh...
 

Passepartout

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Mary Ann, you NEED somebody to go out and commiserate with. Maybe whoever is building the new house next door to yours? They probably feel much the same as you do- overwhelmed, and stressed. Maybe there's a 'Welcome Wagon' type group there? I know you're not physically there yet, but even picking up the phone and finding a friendly voice can help. If I was there, I'd take you and your hubs out for a beer to get acquainted. But maybe TUG will have to stand in for now. We're here. We have busy lives, with holidays and stuff, but, y'know, if you really need something done, ask a busy person. They know how to accomplish 'just one more' task.

Jim
 

WinniWoman

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Mary Ann, you NEED somebody to go out and commiserate with. Maybe whoever is building the new house next door to yours? They probably feel much the same as you do- overwhelmed, and stressed. Maybe there's a 'Welcome Wagon' type group there? I know you're not physically there yet, but even picking up the phone and finding a friendly voice can help. If I was there, I'd take you and your hubs out for a beer to get acquainted. But maybe TUG will have to stand in for now. We're here. We have busy lives, with holidays and stuff, but, y'know, if you really need something done, ask a busy person. They know how to accomplish 'just one more' task.

Jim


Jim- Yes- Thanks. Once we move there it will be much better. Right now I live vicariously through the community Facebook page. They post some photos and a few things that go on there. Ex: they are having a XMAS party at the clubhouse this Saturday. They had an HOA meeting last weekend.For Halloween they had a party. During the summer they had some gatherings and barbecues. They had some excursions and activities. Some nights they have a card game.

But I am in NY and they are in New Hampshire.

I have connected with a couple of them through Facebook Private messenger and also with a woman who is having a home built across the street. She is anxious to move but her house got a late start. As of two weeks ago it was just footings. I took photos of it for her when we were up there and sent them to her and we have exchanged a couple fo emails.

But there is also a community HOA page just for owners so I cannot join yet and that is where a lot of the real "dirt" goes on. Ha! Ha!

Again- all virtual relationships at this point. Kind of like TUG.

I get kind of emotional about it- especially this time of year. It's been a long 7 months...and the 3 months here feels like a year already. Oh well- hopefully we will make it...
 

AnnaS

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Once you move Mary Ann, you can relax a bit more and hopefully concentrate on building a "new social/new friends life". You will get there for sure.
 

Sugarcubesea

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Yes- right, But the reality is agencies first off charge like 3 or 4 times what you would pay privately. You really aren't getting anyone better for the money despite what they advertise.The aide is getting a low wage and the agency gets the rest.

Maybe things are different in other parts of the country but I know from 20 years of experience you have to be lucky either way to get a good reliable dedicated aide.

I can tell you horror stories. Many agencies will put any warm body into a home as long as they have the right documents.

This all said, at least if the aide alls out the agency can try to get you someone else for the day. But don;t hold your breath.

Getting an aide that will show up when you need them is easier said then done... When my dad was sick we went thru 6 agency's and about 30 aides in a 1.5 year time span..I would need to go to work and they would show up the first few days and then not show up so I could go to work and I would call the agency and they would tell me they would get someone else out and on and on it went...

My daughter works for one of the better company's as a home health aide and she has only been with this company for a year and told me the turnover is like 75% at her company and that is considered good... She started out making $14 an hour and she is now up to $16 an hour.
 

Glynda

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Brewster Green (two weeks).
I guess I am screwed then. No friends or family nearby and if we don't move soon I am going to go insane as I need to form some kind of bond with some people- even if it is one or two. Husband is not social- more of a loner. Quiet. I need conversation and some laughter,, too.

I thought maybe you were looking for something like a roof over your head, heat in the winter and water and food. Thankfully I have that.

And- yes- thankfully we can take a few vacations here and there. One thing I am not happy with if we give back our timeshare is that there are some owners that have been going the same week as us and I like seeing them year after year, though we mostly just chat a bit by the pool- nothing social after that- like dinner or an activity or whatever.

That is mainly because most of them have their grown kids and grandchildren with them and naturally are involved with them. We don't have that. We have our son with us a couple of days, but he is a man and mostly does his own thing understandably.

It is also because my husband does not "get involved" with anyone. Like go play a game of volleyball with the guys or go for a hike or just even have a conversation.Don't get me wrong- IF he is at the pool- which is rare- and someone talks to him he will be cordial and talk with them if it is something he can relate to. But again- a rarity. He never initiates a conversation- nope.

It's lonely for sure but I plow through. Doesn't seem to bother my husband. He can sit around all day- watch TV- even on vacation- and not speak to anyone. SMH....

Several years ago, I followed the lead of a dear friend of mine who strikes up conversations with strangers wherever she goes. Some have become good friends with her. Now, wherever I go, I speak to others.
If I am not in an elevator alone, I make a comment which almost always breaks the silence. I talk to the students around me before and after class. People in stores and out walking. Even if these don't bring me friendships, it makes me feel better and I hope it does the same for others I speak to.

When you finally get in your new house and have it settled, you will have time to participate in activities there, with or without your husband, as you can't change another person, only yourself.
 
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WinniWoman

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Getting an aide that will show up when you need them is easier said then done... When my dad was sick we went thru 6 agency's and about 30 aides in a 1.5 year time span..I would need to go to work and they would show up the first few days and then not show up so I could go to work and I would call the agency and they would tell me they would get someone else out and on and on it went...

My daughter works for one of the better company's as a home health aide and she has only been with this company for a year and told me the turnover is like 75% at her company and that is considered good... She started out making $14 an hour and she is now up to $16 an hour.


Exactly. And in terms of your daughter's pay- many years ago the aides got just above minimum wage. Everyone always thought the problem with getting good help was with the pay, lack of benefits, gas expenses, etc. Even though those areas have improved, getting good help is still a giant issue, which proves what I have always said all along- it is the nature of the beast.
 

WinniWoman

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Several years ago, I followed the lead of a dear friend of mine who strikes up conversations with strangers wherever she goes. Some have become good friends with her. Now, wherever I go, I speak to others.
If I am not in an elevator alone, I make a comment which almost always breaks the silence. I talk to the students around me before and after class. People in stores and out walking. Even if these don't bring me friendships, it makes me feel better and I hope it does the same for others I speak to.

When you finally get in your new house and have it settled, you will have time to participate in activities there, with or without your husband, a you can't change another person, only yourself.


Oh- I have no problem doing things without my husband, though it can be awkward sometimes if most everyone else is a couple. On vacation, for example, I will go out to the pool myself, or take a long walk or hike. Visit a store, etc. I refuse to just sit around with a TV on.

I don't strike up conversations with strangers out of nowhere, but let's just say I am a amicable person- a nice. friendly face, and I smile a lot when I look at people, etc. and I find, for instance, when I am in a supermarket or someplace like that, people will smile at me or start a small conversation.

One lady just the other day on line at the supermarket told me she wants to come to my house because all the food I was buying looked so good. LOL!

Anyway- I talked for a living. Every single day I had to go to medical offices and strike up a conversation about anything- work related or not- to keep the rapport. So this one thing that comes natural to me and I am good at. And it is the one thing missing in my life right now. Besides not having a home.

My life after leaving the job was as now- kind of lonely (but very busy)- but at least I had my beautiful house. Now I don't even have that. But hey- like I said- we are lucky to have someplace to live for now as uncomfortable as it may be.
 

rapmarks

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Oh- I have no problem doing things without my husband, though it can be awkward sometimes if most everyone else is a couple. On vacation, for example, I will go out to the pool myself, or take a long walk or hike. Visit a store, etc. I refuse to just sit around with a TV on.

I don't strike up conversations with strangers out of nowhere, but let's just say I am a amicable person- a nice. friendly face, and I smile a lot when I look at people, etc. and I find, for instance, when I am in a supermarket or someplace like that, people will smile at me or start a small conversation.

One lady just the other day on line at the supermarket told me she wants to come to my house because all the food I was buying looked so good. LOL!

Anyway- I talked for a living. Every single day I had to go to medical offices and strike up a conversation about anything- work related or not- to keep the rapport. So this one thing that comes natural to me and I am good at. And it is the one thing missing in my life right now. Besides not having a home.

My life after leaving the job was as now- kind of lonely (but very busy)- but at least I had my beautiful house. Now I don't even have that. But hey- like I said- we are lucky to have someplace to live for now as uncomfortable as it may be.
I am laughing because on one vacation my husband wasn’t feeling well and to top it off he never liked going to the pool or hot-tub. Some man started following me around assuming I was single, it was very uncomfortable.
 

CalGalTraveler

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My DH is my best friend. I cannot imagine not being able to talk about things with him. Married 33 years. We do activities together such as travel but also give each other space to pursue our different hobbies, career pursuits, and interests. I think this is the key. I see some women with very controlling husbands and vice versa. This creates bitterness that never works out well in the end.

Nothing's perfect but we have been blessed with much more good than bad.
 

pianodinosaur

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@WinniWoman:

Is there anything your husband does like to talk about? Is there anything you husband likes to do? I like antiques and estate jewelry. My mother taught me how to drive by having me drive her to estate sales because she was interested in antiques and estate jewelry. I figured that she was doing me a big favor by teaching me so the least I could do was to try and be good company and learn about my mother’s interests. These are very fond memories. There must be something like that your husband finds interesting that you can share together. If your husband likes TV, what kind of shows does he like? Maybe you can watch a show together and talk about the show. DW likes Investigation Discovery. It can be quite interesting to learn how the police track down the criminals. Just some suggestions from someone with a Y chromosome.
 

WinniWoman

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@WinniWoman:

Is there anything your husband does like to talk about? Is there anything you husband likes to do? I like antiques and estate jewelry. My mother taught me how to drive by having me drive her to estate sales because she was interested in antiques and estate jewelry. I figured that she was doing me a big favor by teaching me so the least I could do was to try and be good company and learn about my mother’s interests. These are very fond memories. There must be something like that your husband finds interesting that you can share together. If your husband likes TV, what kind of shows does he like? Maybe you can watch a show together and talk about the show. DW likes Investigation Discovery. It can be quite interesting to learn how the police track down the criminals. Just some suggestions from someone with a Y chromosome.


Oh sure. We watch some TV every evening together.

And we both like taking care of our home- but right now we don’t have one and he is lost. I’m busy enough with running most all aspects of our household, but he is a Mr. Fix it so right now being at the rental house he doesn’t have anything to do, though he did take care of the snow removal on the driveways and part of the private road with the big snow storm we had. Once we move he will have tons to do with the new house and he will join the local sportsman’s club. Hopefully he will attend some community functions and chat a little with the neighbors here and there. He does follow their Facebook page but he never makes comments or posts anything on Facebook pages.

As for what he likes to talk about- well he likes target practicing, hunting, a bit of politics and the news. He used to talk a little about work but that stopped this year except that he wanted to retire. He has mentioned maybe he will try fishing at some point after we move. But we’ll see.

One thing we do have in common is we are home bodies and we do well working around the house together.
 
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