Millennial wedding

[DaveNV]

Sometimes, simple can be very nice.

When I was last married, on our tenth anniversary of being a couple, we grabbed two best friends, (one of whom was a hairdresser), and flew from Seattle to San Francisco. We picked up the rental car at the airport, drove to the courthouse in SF to pick up the license, and headed for Napa Valley, where we stayed in a beautiful boutique B&B. We met the wedding planner/officiant at a coffee shop in Napa that evening to finalize arrangements. I'd found him on the Internet, and we'd had a number of conversations and emails prior, so there were only a few details remaining.

The next day, we had a total of 8 family members from both sides (from Reno and Fairfield, CA, respectively), join our two friends and us for a private wine tasting at a small winery in the mountains above Napa. After a great midday wine tasting, we 12 plus the officiant and his helper all took a leisurely walk through the grape fields to a Eucalyptus-tree shaded hilltop. We had our simple wedding ceremony there, and followed it up with a catered luncheon at a picnic area there on the hilltop in the winery. The scenery was amazing. The entire event was simple, unforgettable, and a perfect way to be married. Two weeks later, back home here in Washington, we threw a big reception party for our friends and family here. I had ordered custom wine bottle labels with our names and the wedding date on them, and after we soaked off the labels from some nice wine from the store here, we attached our labels to the bottles, and gave them as gifts to our guests. It was a huge hit. We specifically requested no gifts - we already owned a toaster.

The entire thing was pretty inexpensive - counting airfare, the officiant, luncheon, the B&B costs, and the reception party, it was probably less than $3000. Granted, it was intended to be an intimate affair, and it was. I can't imagine a wedding with hundreds of guests, or one costing tens of thousands of dollars. For us, it was perfect, and we wouldn't have changed a thing.

Traditional "church weddings" are amazing to see, but if the couple isn't the church type, it can be an awkward event that leaves everyone wondering what the whole point was. I've been to some of them where people wondered why the couple didn't just elope, and save the expense.

Patri, I completely understand your point about your niece's wedding, but as Denise mentioned, it may be easier to just go along with things, and try to enjoy the day. I hope it did/does go well.

Dave

 

[Luanne]

Dave, it sounds lovely.

When dd first started thinking about planning her wedding we told her we had a specific amount we were able to spend. Since she spent nowhere near that, we ended up gifting that amount to she and her husband.

Worst part about dd's wedding was her sister missed it as she had left for Thailand a few days earlier. Best part, they got married on my birthday.

 

[DaveNV]

Dave, it sounds lovely.

When dd first started thinking about planning her wedding we told her we had a specific amount we were able to spend. Since she spent nowhere near that, we ended up gifting that amount to she and her husband.

Worst part about dd's wedding was her sister missed it as she had left for Thailand a few days earlier. Best part, they got married on my birthday.

Sounds great! In our case, parents on both sides are deceased, so siblings filled the role of family members and witnesses. It really was a nice experience.

Dave

 

[Luanne]

Sounds great! In our case, parents on both sides are deceased, so siblings filled the role of family members and witnesses. It really was a nice experience.

Dave

The whole wedding was pulled off in a few weeks. Dd called me said they wanted to elope. I asked if that meant no parents. She said no, but they wanted to do in when we were already planning to be in San Francisco. Our trip had been planned to bring her sister to San Francisco, spend a few days, then the sister would fly to Thailand where she would be teaching.

The first weekend we were there the groom's parents weren't available, neither was the wedding officiant (who was also a friend). The second weekend we were there everyone was available except our younger dd. She was very disappointed, but I told her parents trump siblings and they wanted the groom's parents there.

P.S. This is the dd and sil who are thinking of moving to Seattle.

 

[DaveNV]

P.S. This is the dd and sil who are thinking of moving to Seattle.

Tell them to go ahead and move here, and I'll officiate a renewal of their vows so her sister can attend. Better late than never.

Dave

 

[mdurette]

removed by poster

 

[heathpack]

Sometimes, simple can be very nice.

When I was last married, on our tenth anniversary of being a couple, we grabbed two best friends, (one of whom was a hairdresser), and flew from Seattle to San Francisco. We picked up the rental car at the airport, drove to the courthouse in SF to pick up the license, and headed for Napa Valley, where we stayed in a beautiful boutique B&B. We met the wedding planner/officiant at a coffee shop in Napa that evening to finalize arrangements. I'd found him on the Internet, and we'd had a number of conversations and emails prior, so there were only a few details remaining.

The next day, we had a total of 8 family members from both sides (from Reno and Fairfield, CA, respectively), join our two friends and us for a private wine tasting at a small winery in the mountains above Napa. After a great midday wine tasting, we 12 plus the officiant and his helper all took a leisurely walk through the grape fields to a Eucalyptus-tree shaded hilltop. We had our simple wedding ceremony there, and followed it up with a catered luncheon at a picnic area there on the hilltop in the winery. The scenery was amazing. The entire event was simple, unforgettable, and a perfect way to be married. Two weeks later, back home here in Washington, we threw a big reception party for our friends and family here. I had ordered custom wine bottle labels with our names and the wedding date on them, and after we soaked off the labels from some nice wine from the store here, we attached our labels to the bottles, and gave them as gifts to our guests. It was a huge hit. We specifically requested no gifts - we already owned a toaster.

The entire thing was pretty inexpensive - counting airfare, the officiant, luncheon, the B&B costs, and the reception party, it was probably less than $3000. Granted, it was intended to be an intimate affair, and it was. I can't imagine a wedding with hundreds of guests, or one costing tens of thousands of dollars. For us, it was perfect, and we wouldn't have changed a thing.

Traditional "church weddings" are amazing to see, but if the couple isn't the church type, it can be an awkward event that leaves everyone wondering what the whole point was. I've been to some of them where people wondered why the couple didn't just elope, and save the expense.

Patri, I completely understand your point about your niece's wedding, but as Denise mentioned, it may be easier to just go along with things, and try to enjoy the day. I hope it did/does go well.

Dave

See, I knew I liked you and not just because of your taste in dogs.

We didn't get married until we'd been a couple for 9 years. I hated the idea of wedding hoopla. I thought a destination wedding would have been nice but my ideas were beyond my own pocketbook at the time.

Then we bought a house and needed to be married for the closing. So I said if I can put something together in the 6 weeks I have til closing, I'll do it. Otherwise, it's justice of the peace for us.

We were living in Maine at the time. I found a nice seaside inn. They couldn't do a Saturday or Sunday but we they could do a brunch wedding & reception Friday morning. Deal. We weren't sure who would be able to come on a Friday morning, but in the end almost everybody we invited came. Fifty people or thereabouts.

We got married on the lawn overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful day. We had a lovely brunch and mimosas and the most delicious cake ever. No band, no dancing, no speaches. Just a low key and lovely mellow simple thing.

After the reception, we had close family come by the house and we got to hang out the rest of the day. Then we left for a brief honeymoon in Quebec City, we drove to save money.

I think the whole wedding cost something like $5000. I'm pretty sure as weddings go, we did parts of it wrong. But I've never heard any complaints, except from my mother (but that's par for the course!). One of our friends had put together a wedding recently for their son and it took 18 months to plan. She commented that it was amazing that ours was every bit as nice & she wondered if maybe they should have done theirs a little more simply.

Not too relevant to the original post, but I like thinking back about our wedding.

 

[Luanne]

Tell them to go ahead and move here, and I'll officiate a renewal of their vows so her sister can attend. Better late than never.

Dave

Her sister is now in Vancouver, BC. Much closer.

 

[DaveNV]

See, I knew I liked you and not just because of your taste in dogs.

Not too relevant to the original post, but I like thinking back about our wedding.

See? I knew I liked you for the same reason. Your wedding sounds wonderful! Bravo! And I presume you made the closing date?

Did I mention the wedding cake we had at our reception? Killer good, for wedding cake. It's been years, and we still have some in the freezer. Probably not so great anymore, but I may have to thaw it out to check. LOL!

Dave

 

[MuranoJo]

We've gone to pretty extensive lengths ourselves for family weddings. Compared to our own wedding, some of these are super pricey and cost guests' a lot to attend, not to mention time away when it's a destination wedding or cross country.
So I can see why some of the expectations can seem a bit ridiculous. But I have to admit, we've enjoyed every wedding we've attended.

But the smartest weddings are those where the bride & groom go cheapo and save the money for a lavish honeymoon, or for a down payment on a new home.

 

[jehb2]

We had a beautiful afternoon wedding. My husband wore tails. Many years later I learnerd that the groom should wear a suit & not tails at an afternoon wedding. I'm really glad I didn't know this rule, and glad nobody bothered me about it. I absolutely adored my groom in tails.

 

[heathpack]

See? I knew I liked you for the same reason. Your wedding sounds wonderful! Bravo! And I presume you made the closing date?

Did I mention the wedding cake we had at our reception? Killer good, for wedding cake. It's been years, and we still have some in the freezer. Probably not so great anymore, but I may have to thaw it out to check. LOL!

Dave

The funny thing about the closing: the people we were buying from were super nice and in the end they really needed to move the closing date up to before our wedding. We could have said no but that would have left them in a lurch.

So in the end, we (secretly) got married and the justice of the peace anyway. But everyone was coming already so we went through with the event anyway. Shh! Don't tell my mother!

Yes, the closing on the house went off without a hitch!

 

[stmartinfan]

Just a comment that not all millennials disregard tradition, manners and the comfort of their guests!

My dd got married last weekend. The 1st step in the planning was to book our church for the ceremony and to request that the pastor who had baptized her officiate. It was a lovely, meaningful ceremony. They skipped the receiving line because we had to clear out of the church quickly due to a regular Saturday night service. But they went immediately to the reception and greeted people there as they arrived.

They mailed a nice (but not expensive) photo invitation, complete with a stamped reply card. People did respond promptly but then nearly 10 of the 150 "yes" responses "no showed" to the dinner. So not all wedding guests have good manners either!

For the most part, dd planned and handled the wedding details, managing a budget we'd set. We toured reception venues with them, and did stipulate the the location needed to be a reasonable distance from the church, because we didn't want to make out of town guests drive a long distance, especially into unfamiliar or confusing areas with difficult parking.

Otherwise, we stepped back, offered opinions when asked and accepted that her priorities might be different than ours. For example, I would have spent less on flowers and had a live band instead of a dj.....but the reception looked lovely with the tall arrangements she picked and the dj did a great job. She had a "green screen" and props where guests could take fun photos and receive a print to take home. It was huge hit and a great way to spend $600 of her budget.

She wanted to do assigned tables, not something I might have done because I'm a bit more casual, but it was the right decision and we helped her place our relatives so they'd enjoy their table company.

Lots of family from both sides attended, so it became a family reunion are well. Everybody seemed to have a good time, and we've heard from many what a fun evening it was.

Only down point: the groom's father refused to attend, for what we've been told was "religious" reasons with no details on why. We didn't press them for more info because it's not really our business. His mother and all of his many siblings, their spouses or dates and nieces and nephews did, some of whom live in other cities, so he missed the chance to see his family together. Not a decision I can understand, and one that will leave a bad relationship with the groom for some time, I suspect.

 

[Luanne]

My nephew, who is two years older than my older dd, got married about 8 years ago. Big church wedding, tons of attendants, sit down dinner reception. I got neither an invitation, or a thank you note. My sister thinks the invitation didn't get sent as maybe our name was cut off the list when it was printed. Whatever. I knew (or at least assumed) we were invited. We gave the bride and groom money so they could get a rental car for their honeymoon. I did get a verbal "thanks" at the wedding, but that was it. I know my dd sat down and wrote thank you notes for every gift she received after she and her husband were married. Some kids.

 

[VegasBella]

Since everyone's sharing I will also share my own wedding. My husband and I married on the 1 year anniversary of the day we met. We got married in Valley of Fire, a gorgeous state park outside Las Vegas. The only guests were our moms, my sister, and my nephew. Then we spent a couple nights there camping.

A month later we held the reception. The wedding ceremony was about us. The reception was more about the guests. So we scheduled it over a holiday weekend so more people could attend. We held it on The Strip and about 75 attendees came. We did a slideshow of our ceremony, a few toasts, a meal, and wine. No dancing or anything like that. We also planned group activities over the whole weekend for whoever wanted to attend - things like hikes and poker games.

A few months later we took another honeymoon to Paris. All told it cost us about $8k. The ceremony was the least expensive, the reception was the most expensive. The money spent on the honeymoons was the best money spent

We married nearly 11 years ago. Not millennials but not traditional either.

---

One thought about postcard invitations and email RSVP - it saves paper not just money. We had a lot of discussion about the invitations because my MIL wanted the traditional fancy type and I just wanted postcards. We compromised with recycled paper invitations that used a postcard RSVP to save some trees by having fewer envelopes.

 

[Suesue1738]

Wedding planned in a day

My son proposed to his fiancé and the very next day, all in one day, they planned their wedding. They, too, are outdoor enthusiasts and want to hike into a National Forest with a minister, a photographer, and another witness to get married. I can't blame them. When my husband and I started planning our wedding 30 years ago, we gave up the plans (too stressful) and eloped in Vegas!! Much more our speed. I guess that whole "Apple not falling too far from the tree" is pretty accurate. Simplicity, with each other and God, just sounds so much more of a "dream wedding" than spending thousands of dollars on one day.

 

[stmartinfan]

I've enjoyed reading about some of the "alternate" wedding options people have chosen. I figure however you choose to plan and execute a wedding is fine, if it makes you happy. But as soon as you decide to invite others to attend, you then have an obligation to be a good host. That means things like being easily accessible and comfortable for everyone invited, including older guests. That doesn't necessarily mean having to have all the "official" things like a reception line or assigned seating, but does affect things like terrain, chairs, timing , food, etc. I think guests get annoyed when it's only about what the bridal couple wants with little concern for those who are making the effort to attend.

 

[geekette]

My nephew, who is two years older than my older dd, got married about 8 years ago. Big church wedding, tons of attendants, sit down dinner reception. I got neither an invitation, or a thank you note. My sister thinks the invitation didn't get sent as maybe our name was cut off the list when it was printed. Whatever. I knew (or at least assumed) we were invited. We gave the bride and groom money so they could get a rental car for their honeymoon. I did get a verbal "thanks" at the wedding, but that was it. I know my dd sat down and wrote thank you notes for every gift she received after she and her husband were married. Some kids.

I'm confused - you didn't get an invite and went anyway??

Agree that thank you notes are ALWAYS handwritten and sent via snail mail. I rejected it as bride's job alone and pointed out to my groom that the gifts were to both of us, and many gifts from people "on his side" that I was not acquainted with until day of wedding. That is in fact how we ended up splitting the chore.

 

[geekette]

I've enjoyed reading about some of the "alternate" wedding options people have chosen. I figure however you choose to plan and execute a wedding is fine, if it makes you happy. But as soon as you decide to invite others to attend, you then have an obligation to be a good host. That means things like being easily accessible and comfortable for everyone invited, including older guests. That doesn't necessarily mean having to have all the "official" things like a reception line or assigned seating, but does affect things like terrain, chairs, timing , food, etc. I think guests get annoyed when it's only about what the bridal couple wants with little concern for those who are making the effort to attend.

agree completely. Good hosts look after the needs of their guests, especially their most precious elderly relatives. I cannot imagine telling Aunt Rose, nearly crippled by RA, to bring her own chair.

I am all for outdoor weddings, if this is what bride and groom desire, but it is a very simple matter to rent chairs for an event. It's inexcusable to not at least secure one chair per expected guest.

If the wedding/reception are backyard bbq, this is fine by me, but do communicate to me well in advance that it would help if I brought all the lawn chairs I have (assuming local wedding or at least drive-to location where I can drop off items day before etc). I would even bring shade tents, with proper notice, or whatever the couple needs that I happen to have.

 

[bizaro86]

I'm confused - you didn't get an invite and went anyway??

Agree that thank you notes are ALWAYS handwritten and sent via snail mail. I rejected it as bride's job alone and pointed out to my groom that the gifts were to both of us, and many gifts from people "on his side" that I was not acquainted with until day of wedding. That is in fact how we ended up splitting the chore.

I'm a millenial, and definitely wrote the thank you notes to my (grooms) side of the family. It seemd only fair for me to write to the scores of relatives my parents insisted on inviting.

 

[easyrider]

I officiated an outdoor wedding at a winery with a live band and over 300 guests for the ceremony. Too me, it seemed way too many people because there was another 200 + trying to attend. The wedding march for me, the groom and parents was Bad to the Bone. The music for the wedding march for the eight brides maids and eight groomsmen was a really cool live instrumental that turned into a beautiful song as the bride and her father entered the procession. The young female singer that was brought in for the wedding is some famous singer who sang three songs throughout the ceremony.

Instead of the meet and greet the wedding party went and took pictures while mingling with those that were significant to them. My point being is that not every one is actually significant in these peoples lives and occasionally there are too many people that makes seeing someone on their wedding day very difficult.

Bill

 

[Luanne]

I'm confused - you didn't get an invite and went anyway??

Agree that thank you notes are ALWAYS handwritten and sent via snail mail. I rejected it as bride's job alone and pointed out to my groom that the gifts were to both of us, and many gifts from people "on his side" that I was not acquainted with until day of wedding. That is in fact how we ended up splitting the chore.

Yes I went anyway. This was my only sister's only son. I knew from my sister that we were supposed to have gotten an invitation. I just thought it was strange that after she (my sister and supposedly the bride as well) knew we hadn't gotten one that she (the bride) didn't mail one to us. At one point my mother (grandmother of the groom) was so upset that she told me I could be her guest.

 

[glypnirsgirl]

It takes all kinds

For first marriage, did traditional wedding but on the lawn of the church instead of inside. Had an informal barbecue reception. I wrote all of the thank you notes. The best part of the ceremony was a brass quintet from the Dallas Symphony Orchestra that played baroque music.

Second marriage, to my Quaker husband, no flowers, no music, no attendants, informal invitations. Had reception for everyone at a local Mexican restaurant.

Both weddings were dictated by my husband. My sister says she doesn't know how I could have ended up with two husband who cared more about the wedding than I did.

Son and daughter in law had formal, traditional wedding. It was fun and I got to talk to lots of former husband's family who i have really missed since the divorce.

Daughter and son in law really personalized their wedding. Got married in a state park, traditional wedding dress and color matching only attendant dresses --- which was a great idea --- one bridesmaid was 6' tall and slender, one was 4'10" and a little apple dumpling of a woman, total of 8 attendants. Groom and his attendants all wore black suits, white shirts and matching ties. Music was from various Star Trek movies. Had brunch for everyone a couple of hours before the ceremony. Then had a sit down dinner reception with dancing. Couple wrote their own vows. My daughter's vows were all Star Wars puns. It was a mixture of traditional, modern and irreverent.

To each their own. It's the marriage, not the wedding.

elaine

 

[MommaBear]

I am flying half way across the country tomorrow for my niece's wedding. It is Monday since the reception venue is cheaper. Niece is 24.
Things are just done differently these days. Invitation was cheaply done on a postcard. No RSVP card. Had to reply via email.
Bride and groom set up a wedding page. Details, directions, etc. I never went to it. Ceremony is outdoors on a highway scenic overlook in AZ. We are supposed to park below and walk up, or get shuttled by nephews. Tourists could be walking by, too. (Bride and groom are outdoor fanatics).
At reception some chairs would be out for family, but other people should bring lawn chairs.
Yesterday I talked to my sister. Wedding site has been moved. Bride said people would know by checking the website. I asked how they would know they SHOULD check it, unless they got a text or email notification that website information had been changed. Sis didn't know. Figured word of mouth would get around.
Also, bride wanted no names at tables. Everybody sit anywhere. At least sis opposed that. We family will be seated together. I have no interest in eating with couple's friends that I will never see again. I rarely see my own family. The friends wouldn't want to sit with me either.
Also, groom's dinner is two nights before the wedding. That is travel day for my side of the family. We have all traditionally invited family coming long distances to our kids' rehearsal dinners, but not in this case. Plus it is at the groom's home, two hours away from the wedding site.
Sigh. Some social traditions are good, and welcoming to wedding guests. This one is just so centered on bride's ignorance, and sis hasn't been involved enough.
(There have been a couple other glitches with housing, transportation, etc.) All chosen because they fit the couple's adventurous spirit, but eliminating ability for two handicapped people to attend, and not sure how my 88-year-old Mom is going to manage).

It is true that with each generation the formalities and traditions for weddings relax and change. DD2 is a wedding planner at a very pricey ocean front resort and she has many stories of the variations of ways to do weddings and the attendees behavior.

What would bother me most about this whole scenario is the lack of communication about the change in venue. It would never occur to me to go back to check the website for this kind of detail. I can just picture having flown across country to enjoy seeing my family only to show up at the designated roadside rest stop and be totally alone. I would be heartsick about missing the event and
totally upset that I spent the money and the time to miss the event and spend time at a rest stop.

 

[Egret1986]

That has always been my thought

To each their own. It's the marriage, not the wedding.

elaine

Justice of the Peace, one witness and us on Christmas Eve in a borrowed dress with only a couple of bad Polaroids. It was supposed to be more in the early planning, but it got too crazy trying to please others.

Married 33 years. For us, "it's the marriage, not the wedding." "To each their own."

No regrets.