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Join me in my Journey - My Next Chapter

Panina

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I never thought I would be here now, starting a new beginning at 60. Seems unreal as my age does too. I look and feel younger but the reality is I am still starting over at 60.

I know this new journey is necessary. I always hope the best is yet to come and with the unknown ahead I realize all my emotions are ok and I just need to venture, feel and emerge happier and better off.

I was married to my husband almost 25 years when he suddenly passed in front of me from a brain aneurysm. I was 48. The loss was tremendous. This now can’t come close to the pain I felt. I was fortunate to have the love I did. Some never find it.

I knew my current relationship was a mistake a few years in but I loved my step daughter so much and felt if I left she had no chance. I always said I was in her fathers life not for her father but for her. No regrets she was worth all I gave and lost.

So now I am in a holding pattern with this pandemic. It will take time to move on. It needs to be safe.

I am splitting with my other half amicably. It definitely could be bitter but I feel there is nothing gained fighting it out. He is finally on board with doing it friendly. He really doesn’t have a choice. I think he was shocked how much I ultimately mean to his daughter. In his mind he thought she would be happy I was out of her life. He never understood the beautiful dynamics me and his daughter have.

So originally he was supposed to find a new home and move out. That isn’t going to happen. He told me if I don’t want the house he wants it and will stay. This from a man who fought me every step of the way moving always saying he hates the house and neighborhood. Now he loves it. Seems he needs to be right more then be happy.

As many of you know I love where I live. I put lots of effort to find the “perfect” 55+ community and home. It has been fixed up to my liking. Tempted to stay or even find a smaller home in the community. I had to do lots of sole searching, do I stay or do I go?

I ultimately decided best for me to start fresh not close to him. Near him and he will always want favors, help with his car, his papers,his appointments, etc., just his personality. He will expect them as we are “friends” but I know if I need something he will always be too busy. Saying no just will cause friction that will ultimately affect my step daughter. Not near, almost certain I will only hear from him if it concerns his daughter.

I have decided to go go to Florida in a 55+ community in Palm Beach County, so the search begins, lots of communities to choose from. Easy transportation to NY, GA, SC, NC where I travel often, good medical, easy to get to Florida’s west coast to my loved timeshares and Disney as well, lots of shopping, lots of singles, lots to do, price point in homes I can afford as well as friends and family not far. The negative hurricanes, very hot in the summer and the area I chose is a bit congested. With my studio coop in NYC I will have another place to go when necessary.

On a side note, amazes me how many people I know have tried to talk me out of moving on. They believe me staying in a very bad relationship is better. I take a deep breathe and realize they are afraid for me, maybe their inner fears for themselves. I just wish they could understand they should be afraid if I stood and support me with what is ahead.

So my tugger friends I invite you to share my journey, new adventures, the good and bad with me. If it is anything like my last journey it will be a interesting ride with uncertainty, anticipation, happiness, sadness, laughter, shock, etc. with unbelievable stories that you just can’t make up.
 

chellej

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Good Luck. You need to do what you need to be happy...life is too short.

You would think in this pandemic the housing market would slump but it seems to be just the opposite. Both DD and DS just recently bought houses and it was very competitive....many houses sold before they could even see them. I hope you find something you like
 

Luanne

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Good Luck. You need to do what you need to be happy...life is too short.

You would think in this pandemic the housing market would slump but it seems to be just the opposite. Both DD and DS just recently bought houses and it was very competitive....many houses sold before they could even see them. I hope you find something you like
I think the drop in interest rates has helped. Also our realtor, who is a good friend, says she has been really busy lately. She's finding there a lot of people from Texas who want to leave.
 

dayooper

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Great message @Panina Its so hard just to turn the other cheek, but you did. I love that you didn’t take the bait and “forced” him to split amicably. Shows character.

Hopefully this new ride you are on will have many more ups than downs and you still get to be apart of your step daughter’s life. Looking forward to the show!
 

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Panina, dear, you have your head sorted right.

Yes, your friends are projecting their fears onto your situation. Just keep in mind that it is coming from a place of love for you. It seems that they would stay in a bad relationship, which would be their choice. Don't want to diss your friends, but, it seems that you are much stronger and independent than they are. Do not let their naysaying get in your head. You know what you need For You, and that's that. repeat as necessary, if they start to pressure you.

I have a friend that simply cannot be alone, she must be with a guy. This of course leads her to many bad relationships, too many long distance internet relationships that usually turn into cons... I'm not sure how that's better, wasting time on the wrong people, or those not even physically present (companionship??), but, it is her choice. She cannot understand how me and another friend don't have that "gotta have a guy" thing. But, with mutual respect and love, none of us try to talk anyone out of anything. We chew pluses and minuses, and "did you think about ....?" That's the part I need, as I am not a mainstream thinker, so don't always consider details that normal people would....

It's exciting that you have identified your new place!!! We are all with you on your journey. Some of us have travelled it ourselves, some of us can't imagine your situation. Regardless, you're a tugger, one of our people, so we support you in all of your decisions.

fwiw, I understand not staying near x. Mine can also be a bit needy. We were maybe one week into lockdowns when he called and said how lonely and isolated he felt... presumably he managed that as there were no further whinings in my direction.... I do not know if I want to tell him I'm moving. It's not like it would matter, we don't get together unless we need notary at the bank, and it has been years since we needed that.... I mostly consider that my life is no longer any of his business, but we are amicable.
 

pedro47

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Wishing you happiness and love in your journey. In your post, you just released a little pressure from your mind.

Just remember it can be hot in Florida. It is not Dry Heat. LOL.

Seriously, I am wishing you happiness and a journey that will make you happy and relaxed.
 

nerodog

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On a side note, amazes me how many people I know have tried to talk me out of moving on. They believe me staying in a very bad relationship is better. I take a deep breathe and realize they are afraid for me, maybe their inner fears for themselves. I just wish they could understand they should be afraid if I stood and support me with what is ahead.


Hi Panina,

When I read this I could relate. People discourage you because that's what they would do. Even tho they support you you are actually taking the steps and doing it. They can only dream about it because they dont have the gumption to follow through if it was them. When I decided to move, I thought friends, family would be on board and excited. No, that wasnt the case. I had all kinds of arguments thrown my way, you think I was going somewhere I could never leave. Mind you, none had been here, let alone Europe. I didn't let it deter me and kept persevering. You can do the same. It's your life, your decisions and you arent being rash, just plain simple thoughtfulness in your plans and decisions. Never mind the friends... once you move they'll be the first to visit. In your heart, you will be happy and your step daughter will still have you in her life...just a different place which might be beneficial to her as well.sending you the very best through this journey. Try to enjoy it and someday you'll look back with a sense of accomplishment.
 

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....When I decided to move, I thought friends, family would be on board and excited. No, that wasnt the case. I had all kinds of arguments thrown my way, you think I was going somewhere I could never leave.

this is what I think is headed my way. I have told very few friends, no family. I will get most blowback from family. I'll tell them when I'm ready for their load of (&$)#*_@
 

nerodog

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....When I decided to move, I thought friends, family would be on board and excited. No, that wasnt the case. I had all kinds of arguments thrown my way, you think I was going somewhere I could never leave.

this is what I think is headed my way. I have told very few friends, no family. I will get most blowback from family. I'll tell them when I'm ready for their load of (&$)#*_@
It was hard not to get defensive...just listen and gently say I rather hear your support . That's what I would do for you. It's not a debatable issue. The decision has been made.
 

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It was hard not to get defensive...just listen and gently say I rather hear your support . That's what I would do for you. It's not a debatable issue. The decision has been made.
I'm the youngest, it won't ever matter what I'd rather hear, sarcasm and ridicule will be heading my way. I will instead go silent and let them think whatever they want to think. If they still don't know me well enough to understand why I would choose this, and be supportive, it's their loss. I don't have a problem hanging up the phone while someone is yelling about how stupid I am.... and I don't ever have to give them my address, just a PO box.
 

bbodb1

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@Panina - You know I wish the best for you with respect to what is to come, but I want to say that here again.

I would like to suggest something with respect to this if I might:
So originally he was supposed to find a new home and move out. That isn’t going to happen. He told me if I don’t want the house he wants it and will stay. This from a man who fought me every step of the way moving always saying he hates the house and neighborhood. Now he loves it. Seems he needs to be right more then be happy.
I know you have written about this previously (and I may have said exactly what I am about to post too....) but I would ask you to consider this:

Moving is a very emotional process. It means we are leaving behind something that time, money, effort and care have been invested in for a period of time. The longer the time, (usually) the deeper the investment. I could easily have found myself in a very similar position you are describing with respect to your current husband (with respect to emotions about moving) when our family left Minnesota. I was in my happy place and when my wife told me she wanted to move back to Arkansas due to health issues surrounding her father (her mother had already passed), I was not happy. But after looking at the big picture, moving back to Arkansas is what we did.

We (from the perspective of individuals and members of our respective sexes) don't form and shape attachment in exactly the same way. We certainly do not express it in the same way. I know you are aware of this but somewhere (yes, perhaps buried deeply) even us males begin to form attachments. To people. To places. To things. We don't express them the same way (and that is an understatement to be sure). To this day, almost a quarter century later - I can still see that house we left in Minnesota, and in detail. Every nuance. The view from every window. The sounds the stairs made going up and down. In many of my dreams, where I find myself at 'home' it is as often the Minnesota house as it is our current home.

You mention it is more about being right than being happy.
I would ask you to consider the process of forming attachment, of becoming comfortable with a place, has its own timeline within each of us. It may be the case the attachments to your former residence were more firmly established with your current husband than you suspect. It may be the case your current husband's discomfort came more from the sense of losing that which he had grown comfortable with. The reluctance to leave your previous residence may have been the expression of the value attached there.

To be clear here - I hope the path of amicability is what the future holds for y'all. I can understand there are frayed feelings (to put it mildly) in situations like these. Expressing them helps - I just hope some of the thoughts offered here are of some value (insight or comfort) as well.
 

amycurl

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You've been so thoughtful, deliberate, and intentional through this whole process. I can't believe people are trying to convince you to sacrifice your own health and happiness to stay! I know you will miss the house--as we all know, it was a labor of love moving there--but I believe you will find the right choice in FL, too. And now you also know that your stepdaughter will have a positive relationship with you, no matter what.

Always happy to be supportive. As I've mentioned before, I'm right up the road, happy to do whatever. :) Trying to move during a pandemic is hard, but as @DaveNV has proven, it can be done successfully. Having the financial means ensures that all of your options are do-able, and positive. Keep us posted.
 

Panina

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@Panina - You know I wish the best for you with respect to what is to come, but I want to say that here again.

I would like to suggest something with respect to this if I might:


I know you have written about this previously (and I may have said exactly what I am about to post too....) but I would ask you to consider this:

Moving is a very emotional process. It means we are leaving behind something that time, money, effort and care have been invested in for a period of time. The longer the time, (usually) the deeper the investment. I could easily have found myself in a very similar position you are describing with respect to your current husband (with respect to emotions about moving) when our family left Minnesota. I was in my happy place and when my wife told me she wanted to move back to Arkansas due to health issues surrounding her father (her mother had already passed), I was not happy. But after looking at the big picture, moving back to Arkansas is what we did.

We (from the perspective of individuals and members of our respective sexes) don't form and shape attachment in exactly the same way. We certainly do not express it in the same way. I know you are aware of this but somewhere (yes, perhaps buried deeply) even us males begin to form attachments. To people. To places. To things. We don't express them the same way (and that is an understatement to be sure). To this day, almost a quarter century later - I can still see that house we left in Minnesota, and in detail. Every nuance. The view from every window. The sounds the stairs made going up and down. In many of my dreams, where I find myself at 'home' it is as often the Minnesota house as it is our current home.

You mention it is more about being right than being happy.
I would ask you to consider the process of forming attachment, of becoming comfortable with a place, has its own timeline within each of us. It may be the case the attachments to your former residence were more firmly established with your current husband than you suspect. It may be the case your current husband's discomfort came more from the sense of losing that which he had grown comfortable with. The reluctance to leave your previous residence may have been the expression of the value attached there.

To be clear here - I hope the path of amicability is what the future holds for y'all. I can understand there are frayed feelings (to put it mildly) in situations like these. Expressing them helps - I just hope some of the thoughts offered here are of some value (insight or comfort) as well.
Maybe the house pushed it along faster, maybe the pandemic did too but I finally cared about myself enough to get out of this relationship. He never cared about what was good for me. It was always what he wanted. I gave up my home and moved to be with him and his daughter. I gave up a lot. He actually drove me nuts hating our previous house the first two years we lived there. That says it all.
 

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Yes, it does say it all. I am glad you aren't wasting more time in making your life about You. You matter, and deserve happiness. No time like the present to go and get it. We are all behind you.
 

Panina

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You've been so thoughtful, deliberate, and intentional through this whole process. I can't believe people are trying to convince you to sacrifice your own health and happiness to stay! I know you will miss the house--as we all know, it was a labor of love moving there--but I believe you will find the right choice in FL, too. And now you also know that your stepdaughter will have a positive relationship with you, no matter what.

Always happy to be supportive. As I've mentioned before, I'm right up the road, happy to do whatever. :) Trying to move during a pandemic is hard, but as @DaveNV has proven, it can be done successfully. Having the financial means ensures that all of your options are do-able, and positive. Keep us posted.
It will be more difficult then DaveNV. I have a very specific criteria that the community I live in must have. I need to go down and explore and then find a house. Moving will all fall on me alone. Moving is hard enough, having a significant other is another set of hands to help. I also will not rush and make the wrong decisions nor put myself in danger going to Florida now in a hot zone. Patience and doing it logically step by step will ultimately help me make better choices. Meanwhile he is a room mate. The house is big enough for each of us to have our own space. Each day I am one day closer to getting out of here.
 

Luanne

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It will be more difficult then DaveNV. I have a very specific criteria that the community I live in must have. I need to go down and explore and then find a house. Moving will all fall on me alone. Moving is hard enough, having a significant other is another set of hands to help. I also will not rush and make the wrong decisions nor put myself in danger going to Florida now in a hot zone. Patience and doing it logically step by step will ultimately help me make better choices. Meanwhile he is a room mate. The house is big enough for each of us to have our own space. Each day I am one day closer to getting out of here.
DaveNV had been looking into his move for a long time. The decision wasn't made quickly during the pandemic. It's just that pieces fell together for him. They knew the area where they wanted to live, even knew the development. They were lucky that the market was so good in WA.

So yes, it will be more challenging for you. As you said, you'll be doing it alone. Also more and more states have shut themselves off from each other so travel is more difficult.
 

geekette

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It will be more difficult then DaveNV. I have a very specific criteria that the community I live in must have. I need to go down and explore and then find a house. Moving will all fall on me alone. Moving is hard enough, having a significant other is another set of hands to help. I also will not rush and make the wrong decisions nor put myself in danger going to Florida now in a hot zone. Patience and doing it logically step by step will ultimately help me make better choices. Meanwhile he is a room mate. The house is big enough for each of us to have our own space. Each day I am one day closer to getting out of here.
Silver lining - you get to leave behind anything you don't want and are not responsible for emptying the house or its final cleaning or attending closing!
 

WinniWoman

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I never thought I would be here now, starting a new beginning at 60. Seems unreal as my age does too. I look and feel younger but the reality is I am still starting over at 60.

I know this new journey is necessary. I always hope the best is yet to come and with the unknown ahead I realize all my emotions are ok and I just need to venture, feel and emerge happier and better off.

I was married to my husband almost 25 years when he suddenly passed in front of me from a brain aneurysm. I was 48. The loss was tremendous. This now can’t come close to the pain I felt. I was fortunate to have the love I did. Some never find it.

I knew my current relationship was a mistake a few years in but I loved my step daughter so much and felt if I left she had no chance. I always said I was in her fathers life not for her father but for her. No regrets she was worth all I gave and lost.

So now I am in a holding pattern with this pandemic. It will take time to move on. It needs to be safe.

I am splitting with my other half amicably. It definitely could be bitter but I feel there is nothing gained fighting it out. He is finally on board with doing it friendly. He really doesn’t have a choice. I think he was shocked how much I ultimately mean to his daughter. In his mind he thought she would be happy I was out of her life. He never understood the beautiful dynamics me and his daughter have.

So originally he was supposed to find a new home and move out. That isn’t going to happen. He told me if I don’t want the house he wants it and will stay. This from a man who fought me every step of the way moving always saying he hates the house and neighborhood. Now he loves it. Seems he needs to be right more then be happy.

As many of you know I love where I live. I put lots of effort to find the “perfect” 55+ community and home. It has been fixed up to my liking. Tempted to stay or even find a smaller home in the community. I had to do lots of sole searching, do I stay or do I go?

I ultimately decided best for me to start fresh not close to him. Near him and he will always want favors, help with his car, his papers,his appointments, etc., just his personality. He will expect them as we are “friends” but I know if I need something he will always be too busy. Saying no just will cause friction that will ultimately affect my step daughter. Not near, almost certain I will only hear from him if it concerns his daughter.

I have decided to go go to Florida in a 55+ community in Palm Beach County, so the search begins, lots of communities to choose from. Easy transportation to NY, GA, SC, NC where I travel often, good medical, easy to get to Florida’s west coast to my loved timeshares and Disney as well, lots of shopping, lots of singles, lots to do, price point in homes I can afford as well as friends and family not far. The negative hurricanes, very hot in the summer and the area I chose is a bit congested. With my studio coop in NYC I will have another place to go when necessary.

On a side note, amazes me how many people I know have tried to talk me out of moving on. They believe me staying in a very bad relationship is better. I take a deep breathe and realize they are afraid for me, maybe their inner fears for themselves. I just wish they could understand they should be afraid if I stood and support me with what is ahead.

So my tugger friends I invite you to share my journey, new adventures, the good and bad with me. If it is anything like my last journey it will be a interesting ride with uncertainty, anticipation, happiness, sadness, laughter, shock, etc. with unbelievable stories that you just can’t make up.
I want you to know- if you don’t already- that I am 100% with you. I went through this with a good friend of mine that got divorced after 25 years of marriage and then was dumped (left standing at the altar twice) by a guy she was with for 10 years after that (despite me pleading with her to leave him after the first time).

That put her at age 60 having to look for a place to live, establishing a new life and working until age 70. Just as you are, she is a tough cookie and now retired, she does still live alone, but she has found her way and accepted this curveball she never would have imagined thrown at her later in life.

I was thinking of you this week and wanting to write to tell you not to wait too long to move or for COVID to end. Not to fear moving down to Florida right now. Be safe but try to move out ASAP - when you find the right home/place. Don’t waste too much time.

I’m routing for you!l Go, go, go!

PS So crazy the irony that your ex will stay in the house that you wanted and he didn’t! Life is so crazy!
 

WinniWoman

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@Panina - You know I wish the best for you with respect to what is to come, but I want to say that here again.

I would like to suggest something with respect to this if I might:


I know you have written about this previously (and I may have said exactly what I am about to post too....) but I would ask you to consider this:

Moving is a very emotional process. It means we are leaving behind something that time, money, effort and care have been invested in for a period of time. The longer the time, (usually) the deeper the investment. I could easily have found myself in a very similar position you are describing with respect to your current husband (with respect to emotions about moving) when our family left Minnesota. I was in my happy place and when my wife told me she wanted to move back to Arkansas due to health issues surrounding her father (her mother had already passed), I was not happy. But after looking at the big picture, moving back to Arkansas is what we did.

We (from the perspective of individuals and members of our respective sexes) don't form and shape attachment in exactly the same way. We certainly do not express it in the same way. I know you are aware of this but somewhere (yes, perhaps buried deeply) even us males begin to form attachments. To people. To places. To things. We don't express them the same way (and that is an understatement to be sure). To this day, almost a quarter century later - I can still see that house we left in Minnesota, and in detail. Every nuance. The view from every window. The sounds the stairs made going up and down. In many of my dreams, where I find myself at 'home' it is as often the Minnesota house as it is our current home.

You mention it is more about being right than being happy.
I would ask you to consider the process of forming attachment, of becoming comfortable with a place, has its own timeline within each of us. It may be the case the attachments to your former residence were more firmly established with your current husband than you suspect. It may be the case your current husband's discomfort came more from the sense of losing that which he had grown comfortable with. The reluctance to leave your previous residence may have been the expression of the value attached there.

To be clear here - I hope the path of amicability is what the future holds for y'all. I can understand there are frayed feelings (to put it mildly) in situations like these. Expressing them helps - I just hope some of the thoughts offered here are of some value (insight or comfort) as well.
I’m, of course, a woman but I too can relate to what you said about your house in Minnesota and the attachment to it. I wanted to move and I know it was the right thing to do, but I am constantly thinking about our former house and I remember every single nook and cranny of that house and always will. I still look at our photos of it and find myself constantly comparing our new house to it. ( no comparison - old house was so much better).

To me a house is a home. It’s part of my skin- at the very least my shell. It takes a long time to grow a new one but I never really shed my old one and probably never will.
 

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Wishing you the best of luck and happiness. I am a bit unusual but I have never understood the draw to Florida. I lived there as a child and as an adult. Take your time. Enjoy the challenge.
 

DaveNV

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You can do this. The hardest part will be breaking the inertia of inaction. Once you decide it's time to go, make it happen, and don't second-guess yourself. You will breathe more easily each day afterwards.

I wish you all success in finding a place, and creating a new life for yourself. Try to enjoy the process, if you can. It'll make the transition easier.

Good luck!
Dave
 
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