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How can my sister not care?

Panina

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I actually am sad how heartless my sister can be.

She lives on Long Island, NY but my mom lives in the heart of NYC.

My sister has not once checked up on my mom. My mom called her to make sure she was ok.

I have spoken with my sister she drives and goes to the grocery stores and it would be a 1/2 hour ride to drop off something if mom needed it. Doesn’t ask, doesn’t care.

I have been dealing with it all from SC. Today on top of it moms building lost water. There was a water main pipe breakage. She has some juice, sodas and a few individual bottles of water. Enough to get her to Sunday. I scrambled to get four 50 oz bottles of water to her for delivery Saturday from Amazon just in case it is not running by then. They limited 4 and all other deliveries are one month out.

I am certain if I say to my sister, you need to get water to mom, her answer will be no.

So my backup plan, is overnight my bottled water to mom if I need to.
 

nerodog

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I have a similar sibling and can relate. The universe centers around me myself and I in their world and theres no room for anyone else. Frustration I know and you can't change this behavior. Its who they are. It's hard with you being so far away and at some point decisions will have to be made with regard to your moms safety and wellbeing. My sibling is irresponsible and never calls or offers help unless theres some benefit for him. I've learned to live with it by working around him and just not including him. My mom now lives with me and has done so for a long time.
 

nerodog

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Could a local senior center reach put to your mom if you called them and explained the situation?
 

Panina

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I have a similar sibling and can relate. The universe centers around me myself and I in their world and theres no room for anyone else. Frustration I know and you can't change this behavior. Its who they are. It's hard with you being so far away and at some point decisions will have to be made with regard to your moms safety and wellbeing. My sibling is irresponsible and never calls or offers help unless theres some benefit for him. I've learned to live with it by working around him and just not including him. My mom now lives with me and has done so for a long time.
I have offered mom to move in with me or to get her a place nearby. She says no. One day she might have no choice.
 

Panina

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Could a local senior center reach put to your mom if you called them and explained the situation?
I have some friends that I can call and a few city numbers to call if needed but no guarantees it would help.
 

nerodog

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Agreed..building management yo be involved in supporting the elderly. Board of Health ? I know this may sound crazy but the Municipal offices...even in a pinch fire or police Dept.
 

1Kflyerguy

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That's a tough situation. My mom is in nursing home close to me, so i go see her 2 or 3 times a week. Or at least i did until the virus outbreak... My sister live farther away, maybe 90 minutes. drive. She only comes to visit twice a year..
 

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A wise Tugger said to me to consider my sister as "incapable". She still pisses me off, and we had email words last week, but the "incapable" has helped take the edge off my pissed off-ness. Turns our Hope is a good scrounger during times of scarcity -- gives her the perfect excuse to still be out of the house for hours at a time so she doesn't have to deal with my parents. Lord knows what germs she's bringing back to them.
 

WinniWoman

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All I can say is she sounds like a very selfish, narcissistic person and I would tell her so. These kinds of people are despicable. I am sorry. I do not know her but I cannot fathom how she can be like this. You are the good daughter. Thank goodness mom has you. I hope all works out for her this week with the medication and the water.

And I hope you can soon convince her to come live with or near you because it will only getting harder as she gets older. But I know how stubborn moms can be. It took my mother falling when she was alone for me to get her into an assisted living facility. And even then it was not easy.
 

bbodb1

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Every relationship is different.
Every relationship is unique.
Every relationship will live and die on its own terms.
Just as no one person can guarantee the actions of another, person A cannot change the relationship of BC unless B and C want (allow) it.
 

Panina

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All I can say is she sounds like a very selfish, narcissistic person and I would tell her so. These kinds of people are despicable. I am sorry. I do not know her but I cannot fathom how she can be like this. You are the good daughter. Thank goodness mom has you. I hope all works out for her this week with the medication and the water.

And I hope you can soon convince her to come live with or near you because it will only getting harder as she gets older.Nut I know how stubborn moms can be. It took my mother falling when she was alone for me to get her into an assisted living facility. And even then it was not easy.
My sister has always been selfish and non caring toward my parents and even me. I remember when my husband passed, she did something nice, two weeks later, she drove 2 hours to take me to lunch. The shock when she told me I don’t feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for him. He is dead. Those were her words of comfort.

Over the years I rarely fought with her unless I couldn’t do something for mom and exhausted all my sources. My grandma taught me, you fight with a smart one, not a dummy. I leave it be because I am close with my niece and that is her mother. Unfortunately my niece has the same tendencies and my sister will live with the ramifications of what she taught her. My niece will never ask to help but will never say no like my sister does.
 

Panina

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My other half had a great idea. If it is a problem still by Friday, being I cannot find water to be delivered due to NY shortages, he will mail her 2 cases of bottled water we have here, overnight thru fedex. It will be expensive water but now I am calm as he had a good solution to the problem.

Mom said water was running, not clear, so she filled the tub to use for the toilet, some pots too.

Now it went do to a trickle so good she caught what she could. Still not for drinking.
 

WinniWoman

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The shock when she told me I don’t feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for him. He is dead. Those were her words of comfort.



Just wow.....
 

WinniWoman

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My other half had a great idea. If it is a problem still by Friday, being I cannot find water to be delivered due to NY shortages, he will mail her 2 cases of bottled water we have here, overnight thru fedex. It will be expensive water but now I am calm as he had a good solution to the problem.

Mom said water was running, not clear, so she filled the tub to use for the toilet, some pots too.

Now it went do to a trickle so good she caught what she could. Still not for drinking.

Good idea he had. This is just awful, though for her (and you).
 

VacationForever

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My other half had a great idea. If it is a problem still by Friday, being I cannot find water to be delivered due to NY shortages, he will mail her 2 cases of bottled water we have here, overnight thru fedex. It will be expensive water but now I am calm as he had a good solution to the problem.

Mom said water was running, not clear, so she filled the tub to use for the toilet, some pots too.

Now it went do to a trickle so good she caught what she could. Still not for drinking.
I do not know if Fedex will accept water. You need to check with them.
 

Panina

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I do not know if Fedex will accept water. You need to check with them.
There are lots of rules for how to pack it. Ups probably will be easier to use. They can pack it, whatever it costs it costs if she ends up needing it.
 

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I actually am sad how heartless my sister can be.

She lives on Long Island, NY but my mom lives in the heart of NYC.

My sister has not once checked up on my mom. My mom called her to make sure she was ok.

I have spoken with my sister she drives and goes to the grocery stores and it would be a 1/2 hour ride to drop off something if mom needed it. Doesn’t ask, doesn’t care.

I have been dealing with it all from SC. Today on top of it moms building lost water. There was a water main pipe breakage. She has some juice, sodas and a few individual bottles of water. Enough to get her to Sunday. I scrambled to get four 50 oz bottles of water to her for delivery Saturday from Amazon just in case it is not running by then. They limited 4 and all other deliveries are one month out.

I am certain if I say to my sister, you need to get water to mom, her answer will be no.

So my backup plan, is overnight my bottled water to mom if I need to.
Why do you think your sister is like this? Does she get along with your mom? Did they have a falling out or is your sister resentful of something from childhood? Just wondering because it sounds odd that your sister is so different from you. I wonder if there was something different in her upbringing or if your mom treated her differently?
 

Panina

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@Panina I checked Costco. I think you may have a more straightforward solution to drinking water for your mother. Costco ships this:
Voss Artesian Water, 11.15 fl oz, 24-count

Just checked, no longer available for her zip code. With the 4 bottles I sent her from Amazon she should be good until Wednesday/Thursday. There are about 600 apartments affected. If they can’t fix it by then there will be big problems. I am hoping the management with contact the city for bottled water.
 

Panina

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Why do you think your sister is like this? Does she get along with your mom? Did they have a falling out or is your sister resentful of something from childhood? Just wondering because it sounds odd that your sister is so different from you. I wonder if there was something different in her upbringing or if your mom treated her differently?
My mom is not the easiest or nicest person and my sister dislikes her. Unfortunately what my sister dislikes about my mom is exactly how my sister is, even worse.

We were brought up the same. My sister chose to blame my mom for everything. I chose to go to therapy and break the mold. I have take into consideration that the war affected my mother. I can’t change my mother or my sister, I could only change myself. I chose not to hate and to have compassion. Not always easy but no regrets.
 

lockewong

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My mom is not the easiest or nicest person and my sister dislikes her. Unfortunately what my sister dislikes about my mom is exactly how my sister is, even worse.

We were brought up the same. My sister chose to blame my mom for everything. I chose to go to therapy and break the mold. I have take into consideration that the war affected my mother. I can’t change my mother or my sister, I could only change myself. I chose not to hate and to have compassion. Not always easy but no regrets.
I have a similar situation. My sister and my mother never got along. My mother relied and still relies on me. I just got up early to see if my sister and her children will FaceTime my mother. I worry about her emotional health with the shelter-in-place and no physical contact. My children are close to my mother. My younger child used to ask why we always are the ones to drive 45 minutes each way to visit on Sunday and another hour back home. It would be into San Francisco and the traffic was always questionable. I, too, want to email my sister and berate; but I bite my tongue. I just try to find a way to fulfill my mother's needs and stave off the looming martyr-complex. I have shared my story with friends when my mother was in ICU several years back after a stroke. No one visited her. I took Family Leave to sit with her for two weeks in ICU and four in rehab. Siblings live in San Jose, 90 minutes away. My friends stories are similar to your's. There is always one child that shoulders the burden. I can only say that since you are so far away call the building maintenance. Talk to the manager. See if the plumber is scheduled. Call the plumbing company. It may be hard to get a City inspector for clearance. I don't know why your sister would be narcissistic but like CliffFaith, do not count on her assistance. Breathe deeply.
 

b2bailey

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I'm thinking of a company called Instacart which is used to deliver groceries from local markets. Are you familiar with that service?

Then again, seems like an issue your sister could and should step up for.
 

Panina

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I'm thinking of a company called Instacart which is used to deliver groceries from local markets. Are you familiar with that service?

Then again, seems like an issue your sister could and should step up for.
Yes I actually order from them when in NY. There are two problems, no open slots to pick from and water not on the shelves.
 
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