How about another joke thread?

[RonB]

Try to keep them short and clean folks...

One who eats a clock finds it time consuming.

Ron

 

[SmithOp]

How about some Rodney Dangerfield.

I'm trying to quit smoking so I made a deal with my wife to only smoke after sex, I've had the same pack since 1975. My wife is up to 3 packs a day. I know my wife cheats on me, every day I come home the parrot says "quick, out the window".






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[DaveNV]

Why don't sharks eat clowns?

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They taste funny. :hysterical:

Dave

 

[Pro]

How about some Rodney Dangerfield.

I'm trying to quit smoking so I made a deal with my wife to only smoke after sex, I've had the same pack since 1975. My wife is up to 3 packs a day. I know my wife cheats on me, every day I come home the parrot says "quick, out the window".

My daughter failed her drivers test 3 times. She couldn't get used to the front seat.

She was so fat she was standing on the street corner and the cops told her to break it up.

She was so fat she had her own zip code.

She was so fat when she wore a watch on both wrists she covered two time zones.

 

[raygo123]

My daughter was so ugly the dog wouldn't play with her

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[moonstone]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... :rofl:


~Diane

 

[RonB]

'nother one:

Wife: I have good news and some bad news.
*
Husband: I am very busy, sweetheart, please just give me the good news.
*
Wife: The airbags work properly in our new BMW.

Ron

 

[raygo123]

Just don't bury me in Philadelphia

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[moonstone]

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?



It has a sticker that says IDAHO!





~Diane

 

[Iggyearl]

From third grade...

A duck walks in to a bar.

The bartender comes over and says, "What can I get you?"

The duck says, "I'd like a Coke, please.

The bartender comes back in a minute, with the Coke. He says, "That will be one dollar."

The duck says, "Put it on my bill."

 

[Elan]

A few years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

Bill Murray

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[SmithOp]

A dog walks into a bar with a bandage on his foot and announces " All right, who shot my paw!"


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[PGtime]

Best if told out loud, this joke was a favorite of our son and his friends when young and still makes me smile...

Two muffins are in an oven. One says "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! it's hot in here!!

The other says "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! A talking muffin!!

 

[DaveNV]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway outside of Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress! They're demanding a $100 Million ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them in gasoline and set them on fire! We're going from car to car, collecting donations!!"

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

[jlp879]

Getting older

This is not my joke, but a repeat of the late, great Fern Modena's:

I must be getting old. I got out of bed this morning, stood up, and got chest pains.

Then I looked down and realized I was standing on my nipples. ::: owie :::

 

[LannyPC]

A few years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

Here in Canada, I saw that printed on a T-shirt but the joke went like this (keep in mind Johnny Cash and Bob Hope were still alive at the time):

The U.S. has Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Eddie Money, and Stevie Wonder. Canada has no cash, no hope, no money. No wonder.

 

[derb]

Being happily married 55 years I am often asked what the secret is. Back in 1961 when we were married, We decided never to let the romance die.
Twice a week, every week, we promised to go out and have a nice dinner,
little dancing and some romance.

She goes Tuesdays and Fridays, I go Wednesdays and Saturdays.

 

[jlp879]

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: "This could be interesting".

 

[SmithOp]

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: "This could be interesting".

Which one came first?

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[raygo123]

The egg of course, and I you have 10 hours to waste I'll tell you why

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[raygo123]

There was an old man from New York
Who apparently couldn't eat pork
He didn't like mutten
So he didn't eat nutten
He just sat there licking his fork


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[MuranoJo]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway outside of Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress! They're demanding a $100 Million ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them in gasoline and set them on fire! We're going from car to car, collecting donations!!"

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

THIS one I had to share. :hysterical:

 

[Passepartout]

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. ... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh ... OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

 

[dominidude]

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?





Dam!

 

[Patri]

From Garrison Keillor -
A married Amish woman had an affair. She loved two Mennonite.