Help! 20 y.o. daughter wants to get married

[Charlie D.]

Just from the tone of the OP my guess is that if the guy was a doctor, lawyer, or Indian chief you would not think it was such a disaster. Most of us want our little girls (in our case, granddaughters) to marry one of those guys. Some have suggested that you could possibly budget the wedding in such a way to lead her back on the right course. I think you should support her decision to wait until she has graduated in a year and a half or so. That will show a good deal of maturity on her part (and his). If he is still the guy she wants to marry at that time, so be it.

Charlie D.

 

[Janie]

Charlie, not so much his choice of profession as his lifestyle, which involves a lot of very late nights and a lot of drinking. I know this already stresses my DD out, as it's hard for her to spend time with him and still get up for classes every day.

I really like the idea to tell her that we can't afford a big wedding right after graduation, which has the great virtue of being true since my younger child just started college this year. Knowing my DD, she will want a big expensive extravaganza.

And, I suspect you are all correct, and things will work themselves out over the next 18 months.

 

[Charlie D.]

Janie,

I don’t think your DD will put up with 18 months of stress. She will have to find out how high up on his priority list she sits. If they are thinking marriage she should be right up there close to the top. That would be what I would ask her because if she isn’t there before the marriage she won’t be there after the marriage.

Twenty plus years ago when our DD was dating I had “discouraged” her from keeping up relationships with a couple of the guys she was dating. Shortly after starting to date our current son-in-law he said they were thinking about marriage (when she was 17). I asked him if he wanted our blessings and of course he said yes. I told him to treat her like a lady, court her properly for a year or so, and don’t knock her up. He almost fell out of the porch swing. A little over a year later they had a nice church wedding and it was three years before our first granddaughter was born. They live down the street from us and our son-in-law has always shot straight with us.

Charlie D.

 

[glenmore]

I agree with all of the above - be positive and supportive and . . be very friendly to her fiance. Have him to your home as often as possible . . holidays, summers, etc. This gives her a chance to see how he "works" with her friends and family. And it gives you a chance to get to know this young man . .

 

[geekette]

My family was not in any way supportive of my marriage 17 years ago and the rift has never closed. I was well out of school and had been on my own for many years. Sometimes we wonder about who was at the wedding "not giving it a year" and we laugh. I was most hurt that my own family didn't know me well enuf to trust me and my judgement. I'm the youngest, so will forever more be 'the dumbest.' sigh.

My stepdaughter got married at 19, which we were not wild about, but we liked the guy, who was a few years older. Turns out, his eyes wandered too much and he eventually quit coming home. Age has nothing to do with it.

It would be nice if she spent some time on her own after graduation, so she could have her own place, her own money, etc., as it sounds as tho she has never had to be responsible for anything, and it would be a disservice to not at least have a little practice at it, lest she become completely dependent on him for things like budgeting, managing credit, etc.

Good luck with this one. My best suggestion is to listen more than you talk. No one wanted to hear a thing I had to say. And then wondered why I became so distant.

 

[CMF]

It's good to get that first marriage out of the way.

The third time proved to be the charm for me :whoopie:

Charles

 

[Janie]

Charles, I married too young the first time (and I was 25...) and my first didn't last either. I don't want my DD to go through the same.

Geekette, I completely agree with you that she should have some time on her own, earn a paycheck, manage her own finances, etc. before she gets married. She would probably argue with me that she's doing that now, but I honestly don't believe she has any sense of how many expenses her parents still cover, because she never even sees the bills.

 

[applegirl]

Twenty plus years ago when our DD was dating I had “discouraged” her from keeping up relationships with a couple of the guys she was dating. Shortly after starting to date our current son-in-law he said they were thinking about marriage (when she was 17). I asked him if he wanted our blessings and of course he said yes. I told him to treat her like a lady, court her properly for a year or so, and don’t knock her up. He almost fell out of the porch swing. A little over a year later they had a nice church wedding and it was three years before our first granddaughter was born. They live down the street from us and our son-in-law has always shot straight with us.
Charlie D.

Charlie, I like your style!

Janna

 

[applegirl]

BTW,

When I started dating my husband, I was 26 and he was 48

My parents about fell over when I told them about him and my father wrote me a heart felt letter totally discouraging me from going forward. However, my parents and I had always had a very open and honest and loving relationship so the letter did not create a problem between us. I was secure in my judgement and knew he was a good man and we were not engaged yet, so nothing was in stone.

They were swept away by him almost as much as I was after the first time they met him. 8.5 years and two kids later, we are extremely happy and my parents adore him. I was blessed to have met him and glad I followed my heart and not my parent's loving advice.

Janie, offer the advice you feel is necessary, then be very nice to your potential future son in law!

Best of luck,
Janna

 

[pianodinosaur]

Janie:

I understand your concerns. I have seen too many young women ruin their lives over a bad boyfriend and too many young men ruin their lives over a bad girlfriend. However, you cannot lead your daughter's life for her, nor do you want to alienate her. I think the best advice you could give your daughter is not to get pregnant until after she graduates and until after she is married. This is the kind of advice that would be appropriate no matter who she is dating.

 

[pwrshift]

She's old enough to vote and go to war. Let her make her own mistakes and be there to support her if needed. I fathered 3 daughters, so I know it's not easy to let go.

Brian

 

[mepiccolo]

At 20 and 21, respectively, my DH and I were both engaged to other people who we would have been miserably married to had we not broken up. At that young of an age you might hit a home run on your first time out at bat (and congratulations to all of you who did) but the odds are highly against it. When I was 21 and my then-fiancee got a DUI and was out drinking all the time I just thought he was partying like alot of his friends were at that age. He turned out to be a full-fledge alcoholic, I was just too young and inexperienced to realize that. A friend of my sister-in-law married a sweet young man who opened up what turned out to be a very successful restaurant but he had a college degree under his belt. A young man who says he wants to open up a restaurant but is not laying the groundwork for it (working hard, saving money, and yes, preferably getting an education first) is just a young man blowing wind. That's a dangerous thing to risk your future on-a dreamer who talks but doesn't get his hands calloused to make his dreams come true. I fully agree that you should not agree to pay for the big wedding until at least a year, preferably two, after college. You can be kind and keep your opinions to yourself about the young man, but there's nothing forcing you to go into debt on what you see by experience is a really bad move on your daughter's part. I do know young kids who are in long term relationships (since high school) and are still together in early 20's and plan a future together after college and after starting their careers. Those are the young relationships that have a higher chance of working out. Honestly, if I was in that situation this is what I would do, you can disagree with it but I'm just giving what I would do: I would say since you've made this adult decision to be engaged that tells me you're ready to be financially responsible for yourself as you should be to prepare for being a married woman. Therefore, I am only going to pay your college expenses, not one dime more. Your car, your cell phone, your gas, your clothes, all other expenses are now your responsibility, because this is what adults do, they take care of themselves. If this is what you want I'm happy for you but since you are making adult decisions I am going to treat you like an adult and let you support yourself fully. If you choose to elope before you graduate I will stop paying your college expenses." Better for your daughter to see how hard it is now than later. This way you're not really the bad guy-she's making the decision to be emancipated - you're "supporting" her with your actions

 

[DeniseM]

When I was 19 I got engaged to "Mr. Wrong." Parental opposition just made me more determined! Fortunately, I figured out on my own that he was not right for me and the engagement was called off. I think if I was a parent in this situation, I would make my feelings clear and then let it go and let my daughter have the room to figure it out on her own, but it would be very difficult for me to do! I think the idea of saying you can't afford a wedding for 18 mos. or 2 years is a good one.

 

[bogey21]

Help, what do we do and what do we say?* Her father and I both think this will be a disaster if they go through with it.* We've both told her to wait. I don't want to alienate her by coming down too hard. Any TUGgers have experience with this?

This happened to me twice. Both times I decided it was non of my business except springing for the cost of the wedding and kept my mouth shut. Once it worked out. Once it didn't. Let it roll. She is 20 and has every right to make a mistake. If she does, she will learn from it.

George

PS - Part of my deal was that I would pay for the first wedding only.

 

[Keitht]

I don't think age has much to do with whether a marriage lasts or not. It's far more to do with maturity of the individuals and their willingness to stick at things when the going gets tough - as it inevitably will at some stage.
I have friends who married young and stayed happily married. I also have friends who married much later and whose marriage hasn't lasted. Neither case means that every other couple will have the same experience.

 

[swift]

What about requiring her and her fiancé to go to premarital classes. Many churches in my area will not preform the ceremony unless they do. Even if they are not of any particular faith they often go over the big conflict areas like money, parenting, realistic expectations.

 

[bogey21]

What about requiring her and her fiancé to go to premarital classes.

Come on. She is 20 years old!

GEORGE

 

[AKE]

20 years old does not equate with life experiences or even knowing / understanding the issues and challenges she will be facing. I know in the catholic church you had to attend premarital classes, regardless of your age - don't know if this is true any longer. As a parent I would just sit and wait it out - lots can change in 18 months, and especially when the 'glamor' of being engaged wears off and she realizes that she is committing to spending her whole life, from a very early age, with this individual who does not seem to have the same aspirations as her.

 

[Egret1986]

One can only hope

lots can change in 18 months, and especially when the 'glamor' of being engaged wears off and she realizes that she is committing to spending her whole life, from a very early age, with this individual who does not seem to have the same aspirations as her.

Best of luck Mom and Dad. I'm sure this must be very difficult for you. My sons are about to turn 15 and I know that my husband and I hope they will finish school, complete college and experience a bit of life on their own before settling down. They've already heard what we want for them and their future many times, but ultimately they will make the decisions for themselves once they are adults. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks straight in matters of the heart. Here's hoping your daughter does wait and I think right now that is the biggest hurddle you're facing. As AKE stated, a lot can change in 18 months.

 

[lprstn]

I second the age is not a factor in some cases.

I got married @ 23yrs old after I graduated from College to my DH who was 23yrs at the time (working at Dominos Pizza and UPS). Everyone tried to discourage me because - although I knew him in HS (dated at age 15yrs for 6 months) I only dated him as an adult for 4 months before we eloped.

Well now 16yrs later I realized I struck gold. Now at the time, what I thought where good qualities for him being my DH was that he was a hard worker, he listened to my suggestions and usually followed through.

Now with 4 kids, both of us college graduates and I still have stars in my eyes when we look at each other...I think I just lucked out.

However, I always say... no one has a magic ball to tell the future, if you just stay positive, keep moving forward, every experience in life can help us grow and appreciate the bright spots all the more.