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Having a 20-something family move in during covid/self quarantine issue

klpca

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Bit of background. Our house is large and we are empty nesters. Over the years we have become a temporary "home" to several extended family members (nieces/nephews) and friends of our kids. We usually charge them a nominal amount ($100) just so that when I come home and every light is on in the house, or they take a 45 min shower I don't get mad. $100 is way, way less than market. The shortest stay (one month) was a nephew who bristled at our one rule (no drugs) and the longest stay was about 2 years with another niece. We have been told that we are great roommates, lol. Tuggers will recognize the easy dogsitting for us as a nice perk.

Our latest roomie is my nephew who lived with us for about 5 months before he was deployed on the Roosevelt. He's a different kind of kid than the others - comes home and goes straight to his room and plays video games, doesn't eat with us and actually orders every meal from uber-eats and eats in his room (ugh). Normally I would press for a little more interaction, but since I knew that he was deploying, I figured that he needed his alone time before he was on a ship where alone time wasn't going to happen. He is an introvert (my husband and I are definitely not, lol) so why he chose the Navy is beyond me. But that's a different story. :)

If everything had gone to plan on the Roosevelt he would be home sometime in July but since the whole covid-19 brouhaha, who knows. I do know that he has been tested three times before they left Guam and he has tested negative every time. (One of the perks of being an introvert I suppose). My husband and I will hopefully be going to Hawaii in late September and I was thinking about the mandatory testing. It's easy enough for us to self quarantine, but assuming that my nephew is back in town, suddenly we won't be able to truly self quarantine before we leave. While I know that he probably won't be out partying all the time, he will be at work during the day and will be going out occasionally.

So what would you do? I guess that I could ask him to stay on the base for the two weeks that we are self quarantining, but short of asking him to make other living arrangements on a permanent basis, I can't think of anything else. Do you think that you can share a home, stay separated, and still prevent getting sick if he were to be exposed? I am just looking for other options. Truth be told, I would feel bad to tell him to live somewhere else but then again I am on immuno-suppressants and my husband also has some risk factors and I am concerned about having him here at all. He can stay for free on the base which I know cramps his style, but having him here during covid frankly makes me uncomfortable. And not that it matters, but we don't charge him since he's in the military. He has an irregular work schedule when he's on the base so he is the one roomie that we can't count on for dogsitting, which is fine. He certainly can't dictate his work schedule to the Navy so we bring in someone else when we travel. I am just looking for some TUG brainstorming here to see if there is another solution that might work better.
 

Iggyearl

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Very simply put, you are both in a high risk category and have been advised to keep outside contacts to a minimum. This is a scary time we live in. Under other circumstances, you would welcome him with open arms.

(Yesterday, I just skipped a neighborhood meeting because it was moved inside due to rain. My WBC and Neutrophils are in the crapper. I consider it self preservation.)
 
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sue1947

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but then again I am on immuno-suppressants and my husband also has some risk factors
This is the key part. I bet if you had a honest conversation about it, he would opt to stay on base to protect your health.
You could also let him stay in your house while you are in Hawaii, assuming a negative test prior to moving in.

Past negative tests are no assurance of current status.
 

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We have a similar problem.....with our college son (who was sent home from college in March). He moved back home, while we were away, but didn't isolate as we would have liked so we asked him to quarantine upstairs (he has 2 rooms & a full bath) for 10 days (taking his temperature each day and we delivered food on a tray to the bottom of the stairs) when we came home. He was good about the quarantine. Now however he has taken to "going out" occasionally......to the store to pick up snacks and food (he doesn't really socialize with friends). We are also immune compromised so I am not completely comfortable; but I also don't feel we can ask him to leave (or not to leave the house 24/7).....frankly, we've asked him not to work so he has VERY little money!! If he goes back to school in the fall we will be faced with Christmas and Thanksgiving holidays & frankly....I'm not sure how to handle him coming "home".....but I also don't know where else he can go......do I make him quarantine over Christmas?? Do we all wear masks and faceshields the entire time he's here? I'm hoping things become more clear........I am also following here for ideas.....
 

Patri

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Having your nephew stay on base for two weeks does not solve your problem. Give him as much notice as possible and ask him to live on base until Covid has a resolution. If he doesn't like that, he can find an apartment. You have been so good to your relatives, but you also have to be good to yourselves.
 

buzglyd

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$100? Can I move in? Where do I sign? I’ll share my day use with you!
 

presley

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I would tell him your concerns and see what his reply is. He may offer up a solution that you haven't thought of.

You have a good head on your shoulders. I think you can clear your mind and listen to your gut. After you get your gut message, don't let your head start playing "what if" games with you.
 

elaine

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I have a DD23. DH and I have risk factors. We have had a friend very sick with Covid (still on O at night, 3 months later). In May, we told DD23 that she could not come home for a weekend visit, as we did not trust her level of Covid precautions.
We haven't seen her for 6 months. If she comes home anytime before a vaccine, she'll need to stay in her basement room/bathroom and wear a mask for common areas. I am sad to think how thanksgiving would work. Maybe get her a hotel and visit together and then eat separately.
This summer, We're going to stay in a condo near her and have her come for the day/dinner-outside.
 

PcflEZFlng

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I agree with most of the others to bring it out in the open. Given your risk profiles, it would make sense to have an honest conversation to express your concerns, discuss options, and arrive at a mutually-agreed decision.
 

Paumavista

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I have a DD23. DH and I have risk factors. We have had a friend very sick with Covid (still on O at night, 3 months later). In May, we told DD23 that she could not come home for a weekend visit, as we did not trust her level of Covid precautions.
We haven't seen her for 6 months. If she comes home anytime before a vaccine, she'll need to stay in her basement room/bathroom and wear a mask for common areas. I am sad to think how thanksgiving would work. Maybe get her a hotel and visit together and then eat separately.
This summer, We're going to stay in a condo near her and have her come for the day/dinner-outside.
This is our problem....as I wrote above.....I do not know how to handle this and we do not have many older friends (with health issues) that still have young college children that we can discuss or exchange ideas (I'm assuming your daughter lives in an apartment and not in dorms that will close for summer & holidays?). We have a son in the military as well (he's 20)....stationed in Alaska....he hasn't been home since Christmas (before Covid)....we didn't attend his graduation from Technical Training, nor did we see him off before he left for his duty station in Alaska last month. I do not know when we will be comfortable to get together....it means lots of travel for someone (which isn't safe)....and then what do we do? meet outside for dinner (have him quarantine the entire 2 weeks he would be here?) There are definitely more questions than answers. (On the other hand....good news....my oldest son (we have 7 children).....is currently living in Vietnam he's been traveling throughout the far east for the past year...but settled in Vietnam with the virus lock-downs and he's really doing well...seems they have the virus pretty well under control & he hopes to get a teaching job - considering he was a bartender in Vegas before he left I've told him to stay away.....no jobs to come back to here in the US).
 

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@Paumavista, have you thought about having you and your spouse and your son all getting tested at the same time, so you'd know before he came home? Some colleges are requiring testing before letting students back onto campus. No, it's not *perfect* (nothing will be) but it might be your best bet.
 

elaine

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We're late 50s/60ish. We have 3 in college. 2 at home since spring break self isolating with us and DD23 in an apt 4 hours away. I don't know what'll happen in the fall. DS19 is local, but in dorms and likes to come home a few weekends. He'll just stay in his room--or we might leave for the weekend--he just wants his comfy room.
Thanksgiving might be socializing with masks, everyone eating in their separate rooms and then back with masks to socialize. I might get a hotel for DD23 for the weekend. Can't think that far. Just trying to get them back to dorms/college. We usually have a lot of family over for big Thanksg dinner including 93 yr old MIL. Can't mix college/MIL with covid risk.
I might get them tested as soon as they get home on Wed. and celebrate Thanksgiving on Sat. if we could get results by Friday.
 

klpca

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Thanks for everyone's input. We have decided to first contact our doctors and have a frank discussion about our risk factors. Once we understand our risks I will contact my nephew to try to understand how often he will be tested on base and what precautions he will be taking. We'll just have to talk this out. I know that he hates living on the base and I am overly empathetic (bad combo ;) ). If anyone thinks of another alternative please feel free to add your two cents.

Btw, it's nuts that we are having to deal with stuff like this! We have always been the folks that would take in anyone, at anytime. I feel horrible about possibly having to say no.
 

TravelTime

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If you have high risk factors, does it make sense to travel to Hawaii? That seems pretty risky to me. I would not travel by airplane and stay outside my home for weeks if I were high risk. Frankly, I am not high risk and we have canceled all 2020 travel. I am not scared of getting Covid but I find the travel requirements like the testing requirement to be too difficult and if we did test positive, we would need to cancel the trip. Also what if you catch Covid in Hawaii? Will you have to self quarantine in Hawaii until you are better? That could take a month or more to recover and then to have a 2 week self quarantine after you test negative. It all sounds too risky to me and I am not a risk averse person. Maybe I am reading to much media and TUG threads about the virus.

The bottom line is it is your home. You are entitled to ask him to find another place to live for any reason. You have been more than generous with allowing temporary roommates in your home for literally nothing in rent. You have no reason to feel guilty about asking him to leave for any reason. For example, what if you decided you were tired of having roommates? That would also be a valid reason to not let him stay.

BTW, is he actually living with you right now? Or is he on the base now? If he is not living with you now, then you can simply say that you are not comfortable with having roommates due to Covid. I am sure he would understand that. You have given so much to him and other friends and family members. I think you are feeling overly guilty about this. You sound like a really kind and generous person.
 

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you can wear a KN95 mask to substantially reduce infection while flying (or going out in public) where others might not have on masks. Lightweight and fairly easy to breathe. There's no way I'd fly without one. I got mine at honestppe.supply. I got the FDA/CE "certified" ones for DH, who is working in his veterinary practice. Probably the same as the non-certified, but I wanted the highest chance of protection. We also wear to grocery store or any indoor setting.
 

klpca

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If you have high risk factors, does it make sense to travel to Hawaii? That seems pretty risky to me. I would not travel by airplane and stay outside my home for weeks if I were high risk. Frankly, I am not high risk and we have canceled all 2020 travel. I am not scared of getting Covid but I find the travel requirements like the testing requirement to be too difficult and if we did test positive, we would need to cancel the trip. Also what if you catch Covid in Hawaii? Will you have to self quarantine in Hawaii until you are better? That could take a month or more to recover and then to have a 2 week self quarantine after you test negative. It all sounds too risky to me and I am not a risk averse person. Maybe I am reading to much media and TUG threads about the virus.

The bottom line is it is your home. You are entitled to ask him to find another place to live for any reason. You have been more than generous with allowing temporary roommates in your home for literally nothing in rent. You have no reason to feel guilty about asking him to leave for any reason. For example, what if you decided you were tired of having roommates? That would also be a valid reason to not let him stay.

BTW, is he actually living with you right now? Or is he on the base now? If he is not living with you now, then you can simply say that you are not comfortable with having roommates due to Covid. I am sure he would understand that. You have given so much to him and other friends and family members. I think you are feeling overly guilty about this. You sound like a really kind and generous person.
Actually you bring up a good point - I have been living for the past ten years on my immuno-suppressant meds, and I haven't done anything more than be very aware of handwashing and touching my eyes/nose/mouth. My husband's risk factors (age, mild asthma, past heart issues) are a bit more generalized. But keeping this in mind as another data point is helpful in my decision making process. For the most part I've had few problems although the last year was one thing after another. Since we have been quarantining I haven't had a touch of anything!

I'm not too worried about Hawaii. We will be on the plane with folks who have been tested (not fail-proof I know but better than not having been tested) then once over there we will just get groceries and head to the timeshare. In Hawaii most of our time is spent outdoors, preferably in the water. I think that if anything, Hawaii will be even less risky than home (especially in light of the rise in cases in CA).

With respect to our nephew, he is still on the ship. He's due back sometime in July (we have never had an exact date). That gives us a few weeks to process everything.

I have to tell you, we have enjoyed almost every minute of having young people in the house again. It's been an interesting mix of personalities and with the exception of the one-month-nephew, it has brought us closer to all of them. We enjoy the extroverts the most (no surprise) and one in particular was quite a cook and I learned a lot of new recipes and cooking techniques. When our introverted nephew comes out of his room long enough to share a meal or go out with us, he is a delight. (He loves steak and that is our lure with him). I look around at all of our friends living in these big houses and think about the cost of rent in our city and think that there is a solution here that would work for both sides. We ask for nominal rent and free dogsitting, they get a room plus access to our home. Usually we also get some companionship. Our friends think that we are nuts but I see it as a win-win. I highly suggest it to others it if the opportunity ever comes up.
 
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elaine

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I have to tell you, we have enjoyed almost every minute of having young people in the house again. It's been an interesting mix of personalities
that is great! Our soon to be retirement home is large with a room over garage. Based on your post, I 'm going to open it up to extended family/nieces/nephews to visit/ST live when we're there permanently. We have the perfect set up for any of them doing online/tele/grad work. We're on the coast, so a nice benefit for a 20 something, although they'd be in a mostly over 55 area. but free rent might do the trick!
 

klpca

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that is great! Our soon to be retirement home is large with a room over garage. Based on your post, I 'm going to open it up to extended family/nieces/nephews to visit/ST live when we're there permanently. We have the perfect set up for any of them doing online/tele/grad work. We're on the coast, so a nice benefit for a 20 something, although they'd be in a mostly over 55 area. but free rent might do the trick!
Great! I haven't had the guts to open it up to people that I don't know personally, but it has been great to live with these "kids" and get to spend some time with them. It hasn't been a sacrifice at all. That said, the upstairs is vacant for the first time in three years and I have had a field day doing some deep cleaning. (Apparently I need to add "dust baseboards" to the list of things that need to be done if you live here). I did a deep dive under one of the beds and found some boxes of photos left by our middle daughter back in 2011. Those are now ready for her to pick up.

Being able to leave our dog in her home with people she knows is a huge perk for us as well.
 

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Family would have to vouch. Those nieces/nephews are all a very mild crew. Now, friends of DD23, maybe not. lol.
 

Luanne

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We've been lucky. Our 20 something dd, almost 30, has been living with us for the past few years. She's working and is planning to move out in October as she finally found an apartment. She is probably more cautious than dh and I. She's working from home and not going out. It's been really nice to have her here.
 

klpca

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Family would have to vouch. Those nieces/nephews are all a very mild crew. Now, friends of DD23, maybe not. lol.
Well you saw what happened to Mr. one-month, lol. As soon as my husband (his blood-uncle) mentioned our no drug rule he started looking for his own place. Fine by me. He is the only one we had trouble with. My niece was also living here at the time and caught him trying to kick one of the dogs and she let him have it. He just couldn't get along with anyone, bristled at both rules and common courtesies, and didn't take criticism well at all. He left the bbq gas tank in the open position and emptied the tank. When my husband mentioned it to him, figuring that he didn't realize that it had to be shut off when you were done grilling, he simply argued that he hadn't done it, it must have been someone else. Which it wasn't. It was incredible. We were pretty happy to see him go. Otherwise I would give all of the "kids" the thumbs up.
 

easyrider

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We have my oldest grand daughter and her husband living in our daylight basement. They have everything they need to not need to come up to see us if need be but we often share meals or just hang out on the decks. They are mid 20's and do see a limited number of friends and relatives. They do travel on their days off often to Sun River where other relatives live. This last week my wife and about 12 of our family members met with some of the Portland relatives at the beach.

My youngest son and his family live next door. We see these people often too. He works at a huge warehouse store as a supervisor and knock on wood, he hasn't had the bug yet, even though our county is breaking records for the covid virus.

Yes, there is a risk in seeing these people. To me, the reward is worth it.

Bill
 
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