I appreciate your story, VacationForever! I can only hope the two will work things out. Our other son is just like me: baffled as to how this all got so nasty. He is trying to stay neutral. Right now, I am just trying to figure out where things went so wrong. I keep replaying the entire incident in my head, and I don't know how anyone could take offense at the statement that was made.
Our son is in a fragile state, in my opinion. I know you think everyone needs to toughen up, Linda, vacationhopeful, but I had a brother-in-law, Rick's brother, who shot himself in the head while drunk. This was only a few years ago. He was an alcoholic. What do you think Rick's worry is with our alcoholic son? Of course he is thinking this could kill him, one way or another. Our son gets out in 8 days. EIGHT DAYS. He will have been in rehab for 60 days, mostly away from all of us, including his two-year-old daughter. All he needed was a setback.
It's normal for addicts who have recently given up the drug of choice to be withdrawn. That is what they do. We take classes every Saturday with the other families, 75 minutes with a therapist, and it's apparent this is a normal reaction--withdrawing from conversation and retreating inward. It's not like it's odd for him to react by being quiet. He doesn't withdraw from us or his wife and daughter, but we we want that happy-go-lucky son back. He is in a fragile state. He just is right now, just as Ronnie was when he took the gun out of the gun safe and used it.
As for your daughter...sounds like she needs to work on forgiveness. It is true the entire family is affected.
Our alcoholic son was always the easy one. He was always the good student, the one that stayed out of trouble. and he didn't drink until he was 21. He is the one who graduated from college with honors and got his master's degree. I think Christine may have a point there. The other two resented him for being the good kid, never getting in trouble. He also just turned 40, he's the oldest, so this is not about a kid just out of college. I think it's jealousy with our daughter. And you are right, Christine, we should stay out of the kids' relationships. I wish they didn't affect the holidays so completely. We do go to Al-anon every Tuesday. We will share our experience and see if the group has some advice.
The other two were the difficult children. Our daughter was more difficult for me. I hear people say that's "normal" for a daughter. But she is still not easy. She sends me random emails chastising me for whatever supposed thing I did the night before to hurt her feelings. She is really over sensitive. Our younger son was a very strong-willed child and kept me exhausted throughout his childhood. I was always chasing him around the house, even as a teen. He had drinking problems as soon as he turned 21 that lasted several years, but he is not an alcoholic. He is lucky he didn't get the gene.
Yes, absolutely! You are very astute to recognize this. I appreciate your post, too, Bonnie.
<snip> I know you think everyone needs to toughen up, Linda, vacationhopeful, but I had a brother-in-law, Rick's brother, who shot himself in the head while drunk. This was only a few years ago. He was an alcoholic. What do you think Rick's worry is with our alcoholic son? Of course he is thinking this could kill him, one way or another. Our son gets out in 8 days. EIGHT DAYS. He will have been in rehab for 60 days, mostly away from all of us, including his two-year-old daughter. All he needed was a setback.
<snip>
To everyone reading this thread, do talk to your kids or grandkids through the formative years (before they even become teenagers) and throughout teenage years about the dangers of drinking and doing drugs. Studies have shown that parents who regularly "educate" their children about addictive effects of drinking and drugs TEND to have less problematic adult children. Cindy wrote about the culture of drinking, and fortunately it was not in the culture that I grew up in. My parents drummed into our heads about drinks and drugs. I did that to my kid as well. My parents did not drink. I don't drink and my son is the same way. Even when he was in high school and through college, he never got into it while he saw his friends drinking and passing out. It is not foolproof but it helps.
In rehab, they go to AA meetings 8 times per week. After he gets out, he will go to AA meetings every evening. He gets strength from AA and his sponsor, who is an acquaintance of his from his field of work.
Thank you for the continued prayers. We have learned in Al-Anon that we are powerless over alcohol. I felt powerless for six months of watching as he went downhill quickly. He was always a problem drinker, but he became an alcoholic early May of this year. His therapist at Kaiser said it was a switch he needed to turn off in his brain. This was before rehab, when he was trying to figure out what was going on. I don't know whether that is true or not, and I have not asked our son recently if he believes it's some "switch." It seems rather simplistic.
So glad you did this bump, was just thinking about how things are going also.Bumping up to see how your son is doing and how you are doing. He is home now right?
I read this with much sadness as both the son in law and his brother died ttwoand a half months apart, at age 40 and 31 a year and a half ago.It is really great that you are taking classes and learning about the disease. I wish my daughters inlaws would stop being enablers, they have two alcoholic sons. They make excuses for everything, after all, he only drinks one bottle a day (of vodka)
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