Family Matters...could really use some advice--long

[laurac260]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful replies. It certainly gives a lot to ponder.


My husband is an amazing guy, who puts EVERYONE in this house before himself, and never ever complains about what is going on with him. He is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. He makes me a better person, every day. His mother died about two weeks ago. She spent her entire life putting others before herself. She never put herself first, though we always thought she should have, and in the end, it wore her down. He is a lot like his mother, for better or worse.

Changes are always big decisions. As several have mentioned, this is not the time in our lives to make big decisions. We will go in the summer to our timeshare, probably spend two weeks as we did last year, and probably look at houses too while we are there.

Last year my plan was to spend the month of December in HHI. I let myself be talked out of it and into a plan that we weren't able to do anyway... another long story....

So this year we will plan on spending a month in HHI in November or December and see how it goes.

Again, thanks for your replies! I will read them over again and again.

 

[Tia]

Now that I read this guess it makes lots of sense......

Basicly you have described your entire 14 years of your marriage as being one where your husband has been sick (very sick). Even your courtship, your attention was centered on his illnesses and him. As an armchair observor, I believe you need to understand that as your children become INDIVIDUALS and demand more of your time, things are going to get worse as your attention (and the kids) for him will continue to lessen. Moving will NOT solve any of his unhappinesses or problems, but it will isolate you and the kids more.

If he will NOT participate in therapy WITH you, go by yourself. If your don't have the money, go to ALNON ... just replace your co-dependence on his illnesses instead of it being drugs or alcohol.

My first reading of this thread had me saying, move and the kids will adapt. But on reflection, I started to think that no single place should be a 'happy place' for a person - it is his family that should make him happy and he should be happy WHEN his family is happy. Comments saying that HHI was sort of an isolationist feel island, also hit home.

Maybe he will change w/o professional help, but YOU can only change yourself and help your kids to be happy. He is totally responsible his own happiness but is he as concerned as you for his children happinesses?

 

[laurac260]

Now that I read this guess it makes lots of sense......

Now that I read this guess it makes lots of sense......

Quote:
Originally Posted by VivianLynne
Basicly you have described your entire 14 years of your marriage as being one where your husband has been sick (very sick). Even your courtship, your attention was centered on his illnesses and him. As an armchair observor, I believe you need to understand that as your children become INDIVIDUALS and demand more of your time, things are going to get worse as your attention (and the kids) for him will continue to lessen. Moving will NOT solve any of his unhappinesses or problems, but it will isolate you and the kids more.

If he will NOT participate in therapy WITH you, go by yourself. If your don't have the money, go to ALNON ... just replace your co-dependence on his illnesses instead of it being drugs or alcohol.

My first reading of this thread had me saying, move and the kids will adapt. But on reflection, I started to think that no single place should be a 'happy place' for a person - it is his family that should make him happy and he should be happy WHEN his family is happy. Comments saying that HHI was sort of an isolationist feel island, also hit home.

Maybe he will change w/o professional help, but YOU can only change yourself and help your kids to be happy. He is totally responsible his own happiness but is he as concerned as you for his children happinesses?>>>>

Thank you vivianne, and Tia, for your concern. My marriage is good. My family is good. That much I know. I was looking for advice about how moving would affect my kids, and who's needs I should consider.

As far as therapy, been there, done that. We don't really have a lot of faith in the area of psychiatry. Our opinions, I know, and it would take way too many posts to explain our experiences so I won't, nor do I feel the need to, to justify my reasons. Fortunately, my husband and I are very strong people emotionally and psychologically. As far as the depression, 60% of it was due to his situation of not being able to work and function as a normal person, and 40% was chemically induced from all the crap the doctors prescribed him (some of it being pain meds, some of it being the very stuff the psych docs prescribed to try to HELP with depression!) He quit everything his docs prescribed him, on his own, and was much better off then when he was on any of that stuff that was supposed to be "helping" him. So no, won't be entrusting our lives with psych docs, ever again. If we had issues like bipolar or things like that in our families that would be a completely different issue, but fortunately for us we aren't dealing with anything like that.

Paraphrasing 17 years of a medical situation into a tiny blurb never works, so don't spend too much time trying to figure out what's been going on by my tiny explanation. Again, that would be a 4 page dissertation, the likes of which I don't plan on entertaining here. It's just too long, and it isn't something I need to have picked apart by anyone, please understand.

I was simply looking for opinions about whether to follow husband's heart, or stay with kids needs. We are both weighing these decisions, and when we come to a point that we think we might just make a move, we will bring the 11 year old into the discussion as well. In the meantime, we have lots of things to consider, so I very much appreciate all the thoughtful posts. Many of you gave me things to ponder that I never took into consideration before. I have lots of research to do. Again, thanks.

 

[ace2000]

Only the OP can make this decision. There are way too many variables involved. Kids can adjust to a move, so that really shouldn't be a factor. It comes down to the OP and how she wants to balance it all out.

 

[MommaBear]

Best of luck with this very tough decision. What I do know is that children benefit from being in a home where the adults are happy and calm. Kids benefit from learning to be resilient and able to adapt to new situations. Whatever is best for you and your husband is best for your entire family. Only your two can figure that out! While we all make family decisions with the kids needs in mind, you also need to make them with your needs as a couple in mind. The kids grow up and leave, so some decisions are "when the kids are grown" and some decisions are "this is best for us as a family now".

We have had to move for my husband's job a few times, always internationally and always with less that a month's notice. The nice thing was we didn't sell our house, so we could always come back to "home". The kids blossomed in a new environment, it ws nice to rent and not have to worry about the home ownership reponsibilities while we were renting. A period of adjustment is always to be expected- where do you find a good dentist, a good haridresser, where is the library, etc. My husband and I are now trying a few different potential retirement locations on for size, and until we make the decision where that will be, we are renting.

Enjoy your time on HHI both in summer and in early winter. The comparison of those two seasons will help with your decision, as the feel of the island is very different from the summer feel.

 

[Quiet Pine]

This is no way meant to be advice, just my personal experience. When I was an 11-year-old girl, my family moved from New York (Long Island) to Salzburg, Austria, for three years. I didn't resist, perhaps because it was an adventure. I wasn't consulted, but I knew early about the decision. After the move, I quickly made new friends. When I started high school, we returned to New York, to our house which had been leased during our absence. My experience was completely positive.

 

[Twinkstarr]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful replies. It certainly gives a lot to ponder.


My husband is an amazing guy, who puts EVERYONE in this house before himself, and never ever complains about what is going on with him. He is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. He makes me a better person, every day. His mother died about two weeks ago. She spent her entire life putting others before herself. She never put herself first, though we always thought she should have, and in the end, it wore her down. He is a lot like his mother, for better or worse.

Changes are always big decisions. As several have mentioned, this is not the time in our lives to make big decisions. We will go in the summer to our timeshare, probably spend two weeks as we did last year, and probably look at houses too while we are there.

Last year my plan was to spend the month of December in HHI. I let myself be talked out of it and into a plan that we weren't able to do anyway... another long story....

So this year we will plan on spending a month in HHI in November or December and see how it goes.



Again, thanks for your replies! I will read them over again and again.

I would suggest for your November/December stay to look for a place in a residential area, not every place on the island is like Grande Ocean. VRBO is a good place to start or check out local realty companies who do long term rentals for owners of houses/condos.

I have a DVC buddy, who has been doing the same sort of thing as you, but with the Vero Beach, FL area. They have been renting a couple of months in the summer to see if they really want to move from the Atlanta area. I couldn't believe the deal she got on a house last summer(beachfront, just down from the Disney resort).

 

[DonnaD]

problem solving process we use for big decisions

My heart goes out to your family as you strive to meet everyone's needs. When we have a big decision to make, we project the pros and cons of each potential decision and then we go back and rank each of their importance from 1 to 10. when we do this process, the right decision rises up and shows itself. This process also gives you a chance to try on a decision to see how it feels. I hope you find the right solution for your family.

 

[sea]

Based on what you've told us, I would keep your home base as is, and either rent or exchange to HHI on a regular basis, so your husband would always have something up and coming to look forward to. The magic feeling of a vacation may not last once the regular pressure and stresses of home life invade, if you were to move your family to HHI.
If your husband experiences depression, counselling for him (or both of you)would be a priority. The counsellor may assist him in taking concrete steps(if he's able) so he can feel better about himself and life such as being able to put some of the skills and talents he previously learned to use......there are many organizations who would appreciate him on a volunteer basis with work that can be done from home.
I am not ill, but can relate to his focus on looking forward to the next vacation. I remained home for a number of years with my children and planning the next vacation did become a major focus of my life as it was an escape from the day-to-day. I have since become involved in a number of initiatives, including part-time employment and volunteer with two organizations that my children are involved in and have found a much better balance.
I still enjoy planning the vacations and also enjoy the day-to-day.

I wish you all the best in your decision.

 

[tlwmkw]

Laura,

I know you have been thinking about this move for a while. I remember last year you were looking at foreclosures in HHI and thinking about it then. It is a tough decision but I hope you and your DH will find a solution that suits both of you.

From what I know of HHI it is a family friendly place to live and there is a definite community that is separate from the tourist world. I think your idea of staying in Nov/Dec is a good one. I would also suggest finding a temple and congregation so you can get to know some people while you are staying there. That will give a glimpse of what to expect if you move to the area.

Good luck with your decision.

tlwmkw

 

[Zac495]

Laura,
Wow, what a tough situation. You sound like an amazing wife. Strong and loving. And a fabulous mom. You are looking at everyone's needs - don't forget yours, too.

The 11 year old WILL be fine (I'm a teacher - she's a babe). Of course there are good and bad ways to explain it to her if and when the time comes. that can be another thread.

Your husband... is it good for him? I think the idea of a trial is great except I go back to the 11 year old - I am not crazy about the idea of back and forth for her. I think the adults need to decide what's best and do it. does that mean you can't go back? Of course not. She will adjust at 12 to go back again - but going with the "maybe" idea may be tough on her.

How about you, Laura? What will make you happy? You say you go with the flow and are flexible. Will moving for him give you happiness seeing him happier? If so - then do it. Life is short.

Love,
Ellen