Ex Spouses and Funerals

[chellej]

My dear dad passed away this week and I will be taking him back to Pennsylvania for the funeral....he has lived with me the past 15 years.

My 2 older brothers live in Pa and one is divorced. He does not want his ex-wife coming to the funeral as there is no love lost between them. The kids are grown so they can come on their own.

He would like one of us or the funeral director ask her to leave if she does come. My other brother thinks brother one should just step out while she is there.

I am not at all close to my sister in law but she is not only my brothers ex-wife but also my deceased brothers widow (kind of like a soap opera huh). So she has been part of the family for 40 years or more. She also has 2 kids that are my deceased brothers kids.

I am tempted to send her an email and ask her to please feel free to come and pay her respects but to not plan on staying because we do not need any drama and my brother does not want her there.

What would you do?????

 

[vacationhopeful]

Sorry for your loss. I remember several posts of yours talking about your dad over the years. May you both be at peace.


As for former SIL and widow of your other brother and mother of 2 grandchildren of your father --- dang, she sounds more related than most of the relatives. Perhaps her children (your father's grandchildren by blood) by the deceased brother could be her escorts for the funeral.

I would improve the situation by drugging your brother's coffee if a conversation to "chill" doesn't work.

 

[presley]

I think your plan sounds great. Give her the chance to at least drop by, but letting her know that her X would prefer her not to be there. She can make the best choice on her own.

 

[Paumavista]

The tangled webs.........

"I would improve the situation by drugging your brother's coffee if a conversation to "chill" doesn't work."

I agree....."can we all just pretend we are grown up?"

 

[Timeshare Von]

Sorry to hear of your loss. May your father RIP!

I think the important question is "What was the relationship between your former SIL and your dad?"

If they had a relationship that was positive (and relatively current), then her being there seems appropriate to me and I'd tell my brother as much. But that's me . . .

 

[falmouth3]

My condolences on your loss. Your email idea sounds like a good approach.

 

[Passepartout]

Chelle, I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing like a funeral to open up the raw sores of family dynamics. I don't think yours is any different or more unusual than anyone else's. I like your idea of emailing the SIL. After all, she may not even be aware of your dad's passing. And surely, she is probably more acutely aware of the family dynamics than anyone and has no desire for a scene.

I agree with paumavista, if anything unkind is said, they need to be reminded that this isn't about them, but your dad, and this is a time for everyone to at least be civil.

Best wishes.

Jim

 

[Talent312]

When I attended my former FIL's funeral, I sat off to the side near the back. I had a few friendly words with other family members, but managed to avoid my ex altogether. Afterwards, I departed quickly, without incident.

IOW, it can be done, and warning her would be the fair thing to do.

 

[GeraldineT]

First of all, i am sorry to hear about your dad. May he rest in peace.

Are you worried more about her "acting up" or your brother?

I think that she has every right to be there to pay her respects to the deceased as well as to the family and also to support her children who lost their grandfather.

I would send the email that your brother does not want her there but that she is more than welcome and that you wanted to give her a heads up. I would pull your brother aside and tell him to be a man and deal with it. Regardless of what happened between him and his ex that is something for another time.

As for the widow marrying the brother that goes back to biblical times when it was the responsibility of a unmarried brother to marry his brothers widow and take care of her family.

Good luck and so sorry for your loss.

 

[Fern Modena]

Im sorry for your loss.

I don't think it should fall to you to do *anything* about the ex-wife. The brother with the problem needs to put on his big boy pants and suck it up. He needs to do this out of respect for your father. Thats what the funeral is about, after all. The former DIL (his ex-) has every right to be there to pay her respects. I doubt that she would start anything.

I had somebody at Jerry's memorial that I didn't want there. I knew they would come, and I didn't try to stop them. I swore, though, that I would tell them they had to leave if they said anything out of the way or caused a scene. They didn't do either, although they knew exactly how far they could push the envelope (smelled like beer, dressed like a rag picker). But there was no scene.

You can't be responsible for other people's likes/dislikes, and your brother shouldn't be asking you to do this.

{{{ HUGS }}}

Fern

 

[BevL]

Definitely would depend on the relationship. I mean, no doubt she knows because her adult kids have probably told her. A bit traumatic for them if their dad (or stepdad I'm not sure which) and their mom have it out at their grandfather's funeral.

Personally I'd email my ex SIL and state that while the majority of the family welcome her to attend, your brother has expressed a wish to not have interaction with her and then something along the lines of, "I just felt it was fair to let you know and I'm sure we can all support each other in a way that respects personal space."

I personally always have higher expectations from my family than others so I'd definitely be telling my brother to brighten up and don't look for trouble.

I am very sorry that you have been put into the middle of it and my condolences.

 

[am1]

Which brother came first? I think that can make a difference. How have other family gathering been handled?

 

[Pat H]

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your father. I don't have any advice to offer on the family drama.

 

[scrapngen]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear father!

Funerals do seem to bring out the worst in family dysfunctional drama...I have no help, (others seem to have some thoughtful advice that sounds hopeful) but do send my support and hugs.

 

[laurac260]

Years ago this happened in my "ex-step's" family.

A couple in the family divorced. Apparently husband was seeing another woman behind wife's back. He left her for other woman. Fast forward less than a year, and the husband commits suicide. Sad.

The girlfriend wants to come to the funeral. Now, this should be cause for WWIII (it's a small town, so everyone knows everyone, no secrets, really). But instead of creating drama, one of the sisters of the wife schedules a time when the girlfriend can pay her respects to the deceased without being in the presence of the (ex) wife. No one was happy about the turn of events, but the sisters were able to put aside their feelings for the feelings of someone else, that being the girlfriend. She was suffering too. She had lost someone she cared about as well.

Moral of the story? If these family members can "suck it up", anyone can.

 

[chellej]

Thanks all for the replies.

She was widowed first then divorced. She has 2 kids from each marriage.

Part of my brothers beef is that she always had nasty things to say about my Dad which is hard for me to fathom because he was one of the gentlest souls to ever live and would never do anyone harm.

If she comes, it would be to stir up trouble and not out of any desire to pay any respects to my dad.

I leave for pittsburgh tomorrow and my brothers and I are going to figure out how to handle it before the viewing on wednesday. I hope that it will not be an issue. You all have given me some food for thought

 

[SOS8260456]

Part of my brothers beef is that she always had nasty things to say about my Dad which is hard for me to fathom because he was one of the gentlest souls to ever live and would never do anyone harm.

If she comes, it would be to stir up trouble and not out of any desire to pay any respects to my dad.

Sorry for your loss. Depending on the situation, I would ask her children to handle her. Since she would have no real desire to pay respects, the only reason I would be OK with her there would be for her to be there for her children who lost a grandfather. Since they are grown, maybe they know what she is like and know how to deal with her.

Thoughts and prayers for you.

 

[PStreet1]

I was surprised to see my ex-husband at my mother's funeral (after a very bitter divorce). He did not talk to me; he left immediately. There was no incident, and in retrospect, I am not surprised he came. We dated each other exclusively for 5 years; we were married for 25 years; he certainly knew her well. I think there is no doubt he belonged at the funeral if he wanted to be there, and he obviously did or he would not have come.

Surely, death is a time to realize what matters.

 

[wauhob3]

Thanks all for the replies.

She was widowed first then divorced. She has 2 kids from each marriage.

Part of my brothers beef is that she always had nasty things to say about my Dad which is hard for me to fathom because he was one of the gentlest souls to ever live and would never do anyone harm.

If she comes, it would be to stir up trouble and not out of any desire to pay any respects to my dad.

I leave for pittsburgh tomorrow and my brothers and I are going to figure out how to handle it before the viewing on wednesday. I hope that it will not be an issue. You all have given me some food for thought

It's about your father not your brother. Are you sure she frequently said nasty things about your father? Did your deceased brother say that was going on too? Or did you only get that from the brother who divorced her. I guess I can't imagine not being there for my child(ren) should they have just lost their grandfather even if I were divorced from their father or not to pay respects to the grandfather of my children. The exception would be if there was a safety issue due to violence from either your brother or ex-sister-in-law. How are weddings and such handled? Will your brother be skipping his children's or step-children's weddings because his ex-wife will be there? How about their children's baptism and graduations? IOW when there are children involved grown or not they need to be respectful of each other for their common loved ones sake.

 

[JudyH]

My very limited experience with these types of situations is that people are generally on their best behavior at viewings and funerals. Often there are many other people around to provide distraction and folks who don't like each other avoid each other.

 

[vacationhopeful]

I attended an out of state funeral for my mom's BIL where his son had a less than civil divorice from his wife (3 kids involved and out of state). Father of boys ASKED to take his teenage boys to the grandfather's funeral, despite it NOT being his weekend. NO! NO! NO! was her absolute reply.

Image the surprise when she and the boys arrived mid afternoon prior to the evening viewing at the funeral home. I was escorting my aunt (his wife) to check on final arrangement, family flower placement, and the casket location. My aunt (grandmother) said, "OMG, it's MARY LOU! What is she doing HERE?" then 5 seconds later; "Oh, she brought the boys! Steve has no idea".
She (grandmom) immediately went to her, warmly greeted her, insisted she attend the viewing that night, and attend the funeral the next day.

Everything went fine. It is the first 10 seconds that will set the tone, IMHO.

 

[Rose Pink]

Chelle, please accept my condolences for the loss of your dear father. It will get easier as the happy memories overcome the sadness.

 

[GrayFal]

Nothing to add about the situation other then to send my condolences - I imagine your dad reunited with your mom. You are a wonderful, caring daughter. {{HUG}}

 

[nazclk]

Brother

It's real simple in my opinion, tell your brother to grow up and not act like a child throwing a tantrum if his ex wife shows up.

 

[geekette]

totally with Fern + nazclk. it ain't about the brother at all. if he can't be civil AT A FUNERAL then the problem is HIS.

no way I would send the lady an email. not my place, not my problem.

I generally assume that those at a funeral are there to pay their respects. in no way would I let my brother spreading hearsay have anything to do with it, and I'm sorry he's heaping it on you. You lost a father! Who the hell cares if an ex-in-law wishes to remember him in person?? I find it sweet and would never assume she came to stir up trouble.

Sheesh, I'msorry for your loss and this bag of bs thrust on your front porch.