Don't end up without your final wishes being known!

[clifffaith]

I wasn't going to answer the phone, but since I'm sitting next to it and I'd seen the same number pop up 40 minutes earlier, I did. Social worker calling wondering if perhaps she'd reached someone related to "Jean from Port Angeles, WA". Well, Jean is my husband's ex-wife. Do you know if there are other relatives? Her brother died some years ago, as did a member of the younger generation, but I believe there is a nephew. Let me turn you over to Cliff. Cliff was able to give the woman the nephew's name and that he thinks he lives in San Francisco. Turns out Jean, who is 90, is in the hospital in a bad way and they are looking for "guidance" from a relative. The nephew hasn't seen her since he was a little boy (this from Cliff's now deceased niece, his sister) so I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with this (unless perhaps he thinks he's an heir??). Asked Cliff if he couldn't help, they were married 19 years (we just hit 35 years) -- they had no discussion of final wishes when they were in their 40s?? He said no and seemed unconcerned so I let it drop. So EVERYONE needs to have some documentation on what to do if they become incapacitated.

 

[WVBaker]

I wasn't going to answer the phone, but since I'm sitting next to it and I'd seen the same number pop up 40 minutes earlier, I did. Social worker calling wondering if perhaps she'd reached someone related to "Jean from Port Angeles, WA". Well, Jean is my husband's ex-wife. Do you know if there are other relatives? Her brother died some years ago, as did a member of the younger generation, but I believe there is a nephew. Let me turn you over to Cliff. Cliff was able to give the woman the nephew's name and that he thinks he lives in San Francisco. Turns out Jean, who is 90, is in the hospital in a bad way and they are looking for "guidance" from a relative. The nephew hasn't seen her since he was a little boy (this from Cliff's now deceased niece, his sister) so I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with this (unless perhaps he thinks he's an heir??). Asked Cliff if he couldn't help, they were married 19 years (we just hit 35 years) -- they had no discussion of final wishes when they were in their 40s?? He said no and seemed unconcerned so I let it drop. So EVERYONE needs to have some documentation on what to do if they become incapacitated.

Advance Directives and Do Not Resuscitate Orders ?

Advance Directives and Do Not Resuscitate Orders

Advance directives and DNR orders tell your doctor and family what kind of medical care you want to have if you can't tell them yourself.

familydoctor.org

 

[bbodb1]

Along this line of thinking, I have to admit the wife and I have ZERO legal documents (well, other than a marriage license....)...BUT..we have made the decision to go through the legal process of creating a trust to address all of the legal things we have been putting off. It has already brought out/up some interesting conversations.

 

[JudyH]

They all know what I want but I’m going to stick around and make sure they do it my way.

 

[geekette]

Yes, this is important stuff.

My brother had a stroke while at a work meeting and was in ER fast. Not sure who his 'in case of emergency', but took a while for news to reach family. They got my mother first, and ER doc asked if he could administer life-saving medication. She said yes. My brother lived, no lasting problems, and remains extremely angry at my mother. None of us knew he'd rather die (early 50s, no health problems). It would be hard for me to guess that of anyone I know. Hopefully I won't ever get that call where I say "he'd rather die, let him go." He should name his ICE and let them know that's their role. I don't want it. Was his work buddy supposed to sit there and let him die?

Definitely, spell out explicitly what you want and what you don't. make it easy on whoever has to tell the docs. I can read the document to the doctor, an easy thing to do vs any agonizing summary of that document. I still don't want the role, but I can be trusted to honor wishes. Wishes In Writing. Anything else puts me in the decision and that is not ok with me.

 

[Passepartout]

You REALLY DO need an 'advance directive' or 'Living Will' to make clear your wishes. It should be witnessed, but at a minimum sign it (preferably in front of a notary) and give a copy to your PCP and your next of kin.

I can tell dozens of stories of people who had an unaccompanied stroke or heart attack and ended up 'existing' in a nursing home in a vegatative state when their wish was to be given 'comfort care' and allowed to peacefully expire.

As Geekette said, above, "This is important stuff!"

Jim

 

[x3 skier]

In addition to a Will, Medical POA, naming beneficiaries, etc, I wrote a “Death letter” that has a lot of other stuff. Passwords, Frequent Flyer info, account numbers, how to withdraw IRA to minimize taxes, keys to my phone, iPads, etc., and where all the rest of things are located. I put my daughters on the safe deposit box so they can get access without a hassle. I update it every six months or so. These kinds of things are not really Will material but will make life easier for my family.

Cheers

 

[clifffaith]

Today we got a call from the Washington state property tax folks. Seems the property tax wasn't paid. They knew Jean had died, and were looking for a date from Cliff. He came up with "sometime in October" before I was able to tell him that was more likely Nov or Dec. I find it very odd that both a hospital social worker and the property tax lady in the Port Angeles area were able to track Cliff down 37 years after Jean and he were divorced in Anaheim, CA. Just occurred to me that I'd looked for an obituary a couple months ago, and again found the one line in a church bulletin that she'd died in November. Why wouldn't the tax lady use google?

 

[x3 skier]

Why wouldn't the tax lady use google?

Perhaps she doesn’t believe everything that is published on the internet.

Cheers

 

[bogey21]

Here at my CCRC each of us has a packet with copies of all our legal documents (I think I have 4 or 5 in mine) hanging on my door. In the event I get hauled off to the hospital the entire packet is given to the MedStar (ambulance) paramedic who gives it to the hospital. In addition I have a 3 ring binder in my apartment with about 50 pages detailing everything one needs to know about my affairs. The first 3 pages are in a Section titled "Wishes and Instructions". Other Sections have copies of my car title, Life Insurance polices, access instructions for Bank Accounts, etc. I'm not exaggerating. It is about 50 pages of information. All this and the only thing I own is a 2011 Mazda...

George

 

[rapmarks]

In addition to a Will, Medical POA, naming beneficiaries, etc, I wrote a “Death letter” that has a lot of other stuff. Passwords, Frequent Flyer info, account numbers, how to withdraw IRA to minimize taxes, keys to my phone, iPads, etc., and where all the rest of things are located. I put my daughters on the safe deposit box so they can get access without a hassle. I update it every six months or so. These kinds of things are not really Will material but will make life easier for my family.

Cheers

Skier. They changed the rules about heirs withdrawing ira so I hope you updated it. No more stretch iras unless spouse or disabled

 

[mdurette]

My husband (first responder) went to an unattended death a couple weeks ago of an woman in her 80s who appeared to have passed in her sleep. She lived alone, someone called and asked for a well being check. He mentioned they had to sort through her items to try to find someone to call to notify them of her passing. They ended up finding a funeral home business card in her purse and that helped them track down what they needed. But, it got me thinking....for people that live alone maybe it is a good idea to leave an emergency contact list somewhere in your house.

 

[DaveNV]

My husband (first responder) went to an unattended death a couple weeks ago of an woman in her 80s who appeared to have passed in her sleep. She lived alone, someone called and asked for a well being check. He mentioned they had to sort through her items to try to find someone to call to notify them of her passing. They ended up finding a funeral home business card in her purse and that helped them track down what they needed. But, it got me thinking....for people that live alone maybe it is a good idea to leave an emergency contact list somewhere in your house.

If I recall correctly, an Advanced Directive letter is routinely attached to the side of the refrigerator, and it has Next of Kin contact info on it. At least, the ones my hospital generated for patients had it. They asked patients to attach it to the fridge, where Paramedics would first look for it.

My Dad took things a step further - he had a metal strongbox behind the front door to his house, with *everything* in it. The rule everybody knew was that if anything were to happen, or if there was s fire, grab that box, if nothing else. When he passed away, I was Executor, and that box provided me just about everything I needed. My Dad was meticulous with things, and it sure made my work easier.

Dave

 

[hjsweet2002]

We have prepaid preplanned our funeral arrangements. It is recorded in our wills and we have advanced medical directives also. Copies were given to two of our daughters. We have our cemetery lots and stones in place. We have seen too many family arguments over last wishes and who is going to pay for the funeral.

 

[x3 skier]

Skier. They changed the rules about heirs withdrawing ira so I hope you updated it. No more stretch iras unless spouse or disabled

I did when they changed the rules. Thanks

 

[geist1223]

When my Dad died in 1990 I was ready to contact the Navy (he spent 22 years in the Navy E1 to O4). He told me many times he wanted the free Navy Buriel at Sea. Unfortunately everyone else claimed Dad never told them. They all argued against it. So he was buried in a Cemetery in a coffin. No one but me and my Mom (ex-wife) ever visited. Mom has been gone for years.

Everyone in my family knows I am a DNR. This has been discussed.

Also Patti and I have told the Family whomever dies first will be cremated. The survivor will take a tube of ashes on every trip and scatter the ashes in all our favorite places. If we die at the same time or once the survivor dies they are to be cremated and just take the ashes to some beautiful spot and scatter the ashes.

 

[Talent312]

I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
-- Steven Wright, comedian.

.

 

[Patri]

When my Dad died in 1990 I was ready to contact the Navy (he spent 22 years in the Navy E1 to O4). He told me many times he wanted the free Navy Buriel at Sea. Unfortunately everyone else claimed Dad never told them.

I had no idea this was even a thing these days. It is legal. The casket or shroud must meet specifications so it sinks in an area 600 feet deep. Ashes are okay.

 

[SandyPGravel]

Yes, this is important stuff.

My brother had a stroke while at a work meeting and was in ER fast. Not sure who his 'in case of emergency', but took a while for news to reach family. They got my mother first, and ER doc asked if he could administer life-saving medication. She said yes. My brother lived, no lasting problems, and remains extremely angry at my mother. None of us knew he'd rather die (early 50s, no health problems). It would be hard for me to guess that of anyone I know. Hopefully I won't ever get that call where I say "he'd rather die, let him go." He should name his ICE and let them know that's their role. I don't want it. Was his work buddy supposed to sit there and let him die?

Definitely, spell out explicitly what you want and what you don't. make it easy on whoever has to tell the docs. I can read the document to the doctor, an easy thing to do vs any agonizing summary of that document. I still don't want the role, but I can be trusted to honor wishes. Wishes In Writing. Anything else puts me in the decision and that is not ok with me.

My co-worker of 27 years(at the time) had a medical incident with only me around. We work in a rather large, somewhat noisy room. He collapsed. I didn't hear it and didn't know how long he had been down when I found him. When I found him I called for help immediately and our first aid responders brought the defibrillator with. They ended up shocking him and got him back. He was pulseless/non-breather when they shocked him. Besides him dying on me on Friday the 13th(we can joke about it now 6 years later) I was worried how long I had left him lay there. If there would be permanent damage, if he would blame me for saving him "too late". It was touch and go, but he made it. He definitely has memory issues, I don't know if he's aware of how bad his memory is now. But I know it's worse. He ended up marrying his long-time partner a few years later. (Partially because of the situation at the hospital, he didn't have a lot of rights even though they had signed POA for healthcare and finances. The hospital still deferred to his parents.)

I was allowed to see the video. He managed to collapse in the perfect spot, for the only security camera in our area, to capture the entire incident. He was down for about 90 seconds before I found him. Ended up being Prinzmetal Angina and he had been experiencing it for years, just thought it was heartburn. Cigarettes exacerbated the condition. He's a non-smoker now with a built in pacemaker/defibrillator. Now he's convinced he can never die, the pacemaker won't let him.

 

[wackymother]

This is kind of a sketchy memory, so I may have some of the details wrong...

My good friend had a teacher in school--I think high school? The teacher lived alone in a pretty remote area. She retired. The neighbors hardly ever saw her, but then eventually they realized that they hadn't seen her in quite a while, so they called the police for a wellness check. The police went and checked for her, actually went into the house, did not see any signs of her. House was messy but not really a hoarder situation. The police left.

THREE YEARS LATER the town started foreclosing on the house bc taxes were not paid. The police went and did another check--and this time they found the poor woman's body. She had fallen on one side of the bed and so was not easily visible if you just peeked into the bedroom. But...THREE YEARS and no one had worried about her in all that time.

Another story:

Years and years ago, long before the internet, my parents got a call from someone asking if there was anyone there with my grandmother's rather unusual maiden name. (My grandmother lived with us and kept a phone listing in that name, to avoid sales calls.) My mother said no, and the caller (a woman) said she was a landlord and she had a tenant, an elderly man with the same unusual last name. He had passed away in the apartment and the landlord had no one to call and did not know what to do, so she just desperately started calling everyone she could find with this same unusual last name. I think she had even gone to the library to check phone books in other areas, which was how she had found my family. We didn't know him and I think my mother gave the woman a couple of phone numbers of family members, but as far as we knew, he was not related to us.

Now that so many years have passed and everyone is so into genealogy, I've done a big family tree and I always wonder about that elderly man who passed away with no one to know or care except his landlady.

 

[clifffaith]

This is why Cliff is hell-bent on moving us to a CCRC -- he figures with no family I'll be a recluse and the cats will eat me after I die alone.

 

[Brett]

This is why Cliff is hell-bent on moving us to a CCRC -- he figures with no family I'll be a recluse and the cats will eat me after I die alone.

!!

 

[bogey21]

This is why Cliff is hell-bent on moving us to a CCRC --

My CCRC has about 400 Residents so if anything happens to me during the day, it is likely someone will know. We have a gizmo outside our rooms that you switch to "Sleeping" before you go to bed at night. If it hasn't been switched by 10 pm, Security checks to make sure you are OK. The reverse happens at 10 am. If your gizmo still says "Sleeping", Security checks on you. Once you get used to it it works seamlessly...

George