Difficult Relationship with Adult Daughter

[JudyH]

Wow, I am not the only one with difficult adult kids. My sons are just like the adult sons described above. Distant. Detached. I get two phone calls a year, my birthday and Mother’s Day. They will answer a text question. And they don’t ask us for $$.
Fortunately I have a life and my identity is not dependent on being mom or grand mom.
My sister cut off extra money to her 37 year old daighter after the daughters 2nd divorce. My niece didn‘t talk to her for two years until at age 40 she found herself pregnant and single. Suddenly she was open to reconnecting with Mom.
I am envious of people who have a healthy close relationship with their kids but I can’t change them and it is what it is.

 

[VacationForever]

We all have our moments with our parents and children. As the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. Children mature differently and some need more time to grow up to appreciate their parents.

I remember there was a time that whenever my son and I argued, he would blame everything that was wrong in his life on me. I would ask him to accept responsibilities and not blame others.

Our relationship is now much more peaceful as he continues to mature and be independent. We have a scheduled time every week which we would chat on the phone. We make plans as to when we will see each other and at the end of each trip we look forward to the next trip.

 

[SNA27]

Friends come and go. Deep friendships are rare but what is more commonplace is superficial friendships that mean nothing. So, I don't want to be 'friends' with my children.
A parent-child relationship is forever. It's a pair-bond that's not easily broken.

Children learn from example so parents beware!

Read a much better narration of this story in a different language more than 50 years ago. This ESL narration is a bit corny but gets the gist.

A Short Story : A Father learns A Lesson from His Son

This Short Story A Father learns A Lesson from His Son is quite interesting to all the people. Enjoy reading this story.

www.english-for-students.com

Story : A Father learns A Lesson from His Son

This Short Story A Father learns A Lesson from His Son is quite interesting to all the people. Enjoy reading this story.

Velan was a carpenter. He was living in a village. His mother dies a long time back. His aged father, Kuppan, lived with Velan. Kuppan was very weak. He could not even walk well. He was so weak. It was because Velan did not give him enough food. He had given his father a small earthen plate. Even a small quantity of rice in the plate appeared to be much. Velan was a bad man. He was a drunkard also. After taking drinks, he abused his father badly.

Velan had a son. His name is Muthu. Muthu was just ten years old. He was a very good boy. He loved his grandfather. He had great respect for his grandfather. He did not like his father’s attitude and character, because his father was treating his grandfather cruelly.

One day Kuppan was eating his food out of earthen plate that his son had given to him. The earthen plate fell down. The plate broke into pieces. The food also fell on the floor. Velan was working at the other end of the room. He saw the broken plate. He was very angry with his father and used very harsh words to abuse his father. The old man felt bad about what happened. He was sorry for his mistake. Velan’s words wounded him very deeply.

Velan’s son, Muthu, saw this. He did not like his father. His father was ill-treating his grandfather. He was afraid to speak against his father. He was sad about his grandfather. But he was not powerful to stand in support of his grandfather.

The next day Muthu took some of his father’s carpentry tools and a piece of wood. He worked with the tools to make a wooden plate. His father saw him working.

“What are you making, Muthu?" he asked.

“I am making a wooden plate!" replied Muthu.

“A wooden plate! What for?" asked his father.

“I am making it for you, father. When you grow old, like my grandfather, you will need a plate for food. A plate made from earth may break very easily. Then I may scold you severely. So, I want to give you a wooden plate. It may not break so easily."

The carpenter was shocked to hear this. Only now he realized his mistake. His father was kind to Velan He had looked after Velan very well. Now, he was old. Velan was treating his father severely. Velan was now very sad about his own behavior. He realized his mistakes. He then became a different person.

From that day, Velan treated his father with great respect. He gave up drinking too. Velan learnt a lesson from his own son.

You should honor your parents at all times. It is your duty. It brings you their blessings.

 

[geekette]

Maybe I am a 'robot' or this is peculiar to women and I am totally unqualified to offer my 2 cents here.

But I have a hard time relating to 'wanting to be friends' with one's children. My sons will always be my sons, never friends. I will always be a 'father' to them and never a 'friend'. I have my duties and they have theirs. Why complicate these filial bonds with mushy nonsense? Wouldn't it be simpler if everybody knew their place or role in a relationship and played them according to the script? 'Copacetic' will be guaranteed then!

I will never tolerate my sons being disrespectful to me or their mother in any way. I will bluntly tell them what's on my mind. Luckily, I have a wife who's really good at playing 'good cop'.

If I were OP, I would read the daughter the riot act and remind her that her kids are watching and learning from her disrespect towards her mother. She will reap what she sows, for sure. That should sober her up to mend her ways.

I'm with you, I was never friends with my parents. sometimes we were barely acquaintances. I never developed the need to dump all my personal business to anyone and it suits me well as an adult.

 

[geekette]

Do all daughters feel tht they own their mothers and their private stuff?

No. There were never personal conversations with my mother, and her issues weren't discussed with me. We are related individuals, and I honor her as my mother, but we keep our own counsel.

I am not enough like my mother that I would ask her advice on a personal issue. I don't ask anyone's advice, actually.

 

[geekette]

I am envious of people who have a healthy close relationship with their kids but I can’t change them and it is what it is.

there is such a thing as Too Close.

I dated a guy for a short while that ran every decision by his dad. The guy was in his 50s. I found it very odd, and then found it alarming. I couldn't imagine being a couple with this guy who had such a strong tether to his father that I would have no voice. I don't quite remember the conversation we had about something, nothing important, just some random life matter, but our opinions varied. I thought that was fine with both of us. It wasn't. He took that conversation to his dad, who had an opinion that was same as his son, so that came back to me as proof that I was wrong. Yikes. geekette makes tracks fast...

I do not want to be with anyone who is so close to his parents that my privacy is continually blown. I'm not ok with that. I'm used to making my own decisions but have plenty of practice with compromise with a partner. But not willing to solicit opinions from a third party with a natural bias towards their kid.

Presumably your kids are busy and happy. I see in my own brother that he rarely thinks of my mother, he's a twice a year caller, yet remains the favorite.

 

[SNA27]

@geekette, I put parent-child relationship way ahead of so-called friendships and lightyears ahead of mere acquaintances. Calling it as an acquaintance is an insult not honor, imo.

Nothing wrong with a son consulting his father on matters where the latter has a distinctive competence.
My sons always consult me on financial matters, they would be fools not to. On romance and other touchy-feely nonsense, not my area of expertise, talk to mom! They already know which 'free' consultant to employ for what!

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Haven't read the whole thread - not enough time.

But enough to say that you've pretty much described the relationship between my sister and her daughter (one of my nieces). There are instances where they each describe similar events in narratives that are utterly incompatible. I don't believe either is lying to me, but it clear the events could not have happened as described.

I stay out of the dramas between them, except to occasionally suggest to my niece that her take on a situation might not be the only possible take. I'm the only person, it seems, who can suggest that to her and have her listen to them.

My niece is a near 50-yr old who emotionally is still a 14-year old girl in junior high school, jealous of everyone around her who seem more popular or happier or better off. She has the same type of emotional outbursts, often directed against my sister, where she says she's had it with her parents and she's completely finished with them in her life. Then two weeks later she and her parents are talking. Lather, rinse repeat.

She's been in counseling for years. Four rehabs, related to eating disorder. (Strange thing - taming her eating issues has wreaked havoc elsewhere in her life.) I've tried to work with her on some baby steps.

About a year ago, I recognized that she wasn't ever going to change until she reached a point where, in all honesty and belief she would say, "**** this. I refuse to live this way anymore" - not out of exasperation, but with full motivation to change. But after more than 10 years of our more frequent conversations, I'm not holding my breath. She will says she's tired of things, she'll says she's ready to change, she'll lay out plans, and even take steps. But the motivation is never enough to get her over that activation barrier, so at some point she slides right back down to where she has been living all of her life. It might not be happy for her, but it's an unhappiness that she has learned to live with and cope with, despite the pain.

********

Our conversations are often good reminders to me about some problem-solving advice I once received. When confronted with a problem or difficult situation, make a list of the possible strategies. Then separate that list into strategies that require other people to change their behavior or attitude, and those that involve me changing my behavior or attitude. Then discard all of the approaches that depend on other people changing, because that is not in my control Focus on the changes that I can make.

And quite often that simply comes down to accepting the other person as they are, and recognizing that their behavior is about them and not me.

Example re the "copacetic coffee cup". If it were me, "so what if it was misinterpreted"? I can't control how she interpreted it. There are some other relationships in my life, where I know that some of the things that I say or do are going to be misinterpreted, often without apparent warning that I can detect, and that the other person will be utterly convinced that their interpretation is the only possible interpretation.

I realize that I really have two options. Accept that other person for who they are, meaning I also accept that those incidents are going to happen. Or terminate the relationship. Those are the only two options on my list that are under my control.

It has also helped me greatly to realize that when those situations occur with those other people, it isn't really about me. It's about past garbage in their lives that they are dragging along with them. So while I end up being the recipient, I remind myself that it's not really about me, and that helps me to not take it personally and keep my distance.

 

[b2bailey]

Haven't read the whole thread - not enough time.

But enough to say that you've pretty much described the relationship between my sister and her daughter (one of my nieces). There are instances where they each describe similar events in narratives that are utterly incompatible. I don't believe either is lying to me, but it clear the events could not have happened as described.

I stay out of the dramas between them, except to occasionally suggest to my niece that her take on a situation might not be the only possible take. I'm the only person, it seems, who can suggest that to her and have her listen to them.

My niece is a near 50-yr old who emotionally is still a 14-year old girl in junior high school, jealous of everyone around her who seem more popular or happier or better off. She has the same type of emotional outbursts, often directed against my sister, where she says she's had it with her parents and she's completely finished with them in her life. Then two weeks later she and her parents are talking. Lather, rinse repeat.

She's been in counseling for years. Four rehabs, related to eating disorder. (Strange thing - taming her eating issues has wreaked havoc elsewhere in her life.) I've tried to work with her on some baby steps.

About a year ago, I recognized that she wasn't ever going to change until she reached a point where, in all honesty and belief she would say, "**** this. I refuse to live this way anymore" - not out of exasperation, but with full motivation to change. But after more than 10 years of our more frequent conversations, I'm not holding my breath. She will says she's tired of things, she'll says she's ready to change, she'll lay out plans, and even take steps. But the motivation is never enough to get her over that activation barrier, so at some point she slides right back down to where she has been living all of her life. It might not be happy for her, but it's an unhappiness that she has learned to live with and cope with, despite the pain.

********

Our conversations are often good reminders to me about some problem-solving advice I once received. When confronted with a problem or difficult situation, make a list of the possible strategies. Then separate that list into strategies that require other people to change their behavior or attitude, and those that involve me changing my behavior or attitude. Then discard all of the approaches that depend on other people changing, because that is not in my control Focus on the changes that I can make.

And quite often that simply comes down to accepting the other person as they are, and recognizing that their behavior is about them and not me.

Example re the "copacetic coffee cup". If it were me, "so what if it was misinterpreted"? I can't control how she interpreted it. There are some other relationships in my life, where I know that some of the things that I say or do are going to be misinterpreted, often without apparent warning that I can detect, and that the other person will be utterly convinced that their interpretation is the only possible interpretation.

I realize that I really have two options. Accept that other person for who they are, meaning I also accept that those incidents are going to happen. Or terminate the relationship. Those are the only two options on my list that are under my control.

It has also helped me greatly to realize that when those situations occur with those other people, it isn't really about me. It's about past garbage in their lives that they are dragging along with them. So while I end up being the recipient, I remind myself that it's not really about me, and that helps me to not take it personally and keep my distance.

Laughing about "copacedic coffee cup" reference. Awhile back I read the advice "we sometimes say we will laugh about this later. Instead, laugh now"

 

[b2bailey]

I'm always touched by the sentiments expressed by my fellow Tuggers. Thanks for sharing this with me. Bottom line is -- accept it or walk away. My grandchildren are too sweet and too cute to walk away.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

I'm always touched by the sentiments expressed by my fellow Tuggers. Thanks for sharing this with me. Bottom line is -- accept it or walk away. My grandchildren are too sweet and too cute to walk away.

Good thinking. When going through my lists of options when I have been confronted with difficult circumstances, the second- and third-party impacts were often the tipping factors.

Looking back years later, it's also interesting to note how skewed and flawed my actual perceptions of the situation were at the time. Not only was the decision to cut people out of my life a worse decision at the time; in retrospect, it would have been even worse than I would have imagined

+++++++

Cognitive behavior training was a life-changer for me..

 

[JudyH]

there is such a thing as Too Close.

I dated a guy for a short while that ran every decision by his dad. The guy was in his 50s. I found it very odd, and then found it alarming. I couldn't imagine being a couple with this guy who had such a strong tether to his father that I would have no voice. I don't quite remember the conversation we had about something, nothing important, just some random life matter, but our opinions varied. I thought that was fine with both of us. It wasn't. He took that conversation to his dad, who had an opinion that was same as his son, so that came back to me as proof that I was wrong. Yikes. geekette makes tracks fast...

I do not want to be with anyone who is so close to his parents that my privacy is continually blown. I'm not ok with that. I'm used to making my own decisions but have plenty of practice with compromise with a partner. But not willing to solicit opinions from a third party with a natural bias towards their kid.

Presumably your kids are busy and happy. I see in my own brother that he rarely thinks of my mother, he's a twice a year caller, yet remains the favorite.

Yes. Busy and happy and responsible.

 

[SNA27]

I'm always touched by the sentiments expressed by my fellow Tuggers. Thanks for sharing this with me. Bottom line is -- accept it or walk away. My grandchildren are too sweet and too cute to walk away.

Sounds like blackmail and people who pay off blackmailers aren't thinking straight.

Sorry if I sound harsh but that comes from a man's black-and-white thinking. I also wonder what example your daughter took to heart and who set it. Was it you? Maybe you have some work to do to rewrite those examples. It takes a brave person like the carpenter's son to break with the erroneous examples of the past and set a new correct example. Ancient fables are not corny stories but they pack lasting wisdom to live by!