Dealing with guilt and shame over missing a nephew's wedding

[rickandcindy23]

My sister invited me to meet her for lunch this past Friday. I am stewing for days after this lunch because she basically told me she almost cut me out of her life completely after we sent our regrets for not being able to attend her son's wedding. We did watch the live video of the wedding from Saratoga Springs, where we were staying that particular week. We sent a generous gift.

She asked me why I didn't tell her we wouldn't be going and just waited to send our regrets to the invitation, which was done online and apparently just went to her son and his fiancee. I didn't have an answer for that. I have to also add that none of our kids were invited to the wedding, it was for close friends and family only to keep the numbers down. Our kids were a little hurt at not being invited, but the lack of invitation to our kids didn't sway me to not go. My sister's friends from high school did go and apparently the bunch of them had a great time with my other sister and her husband.

We did go to her other two kids' weddings that were about 10 and 5 years ago. Her son #2 also didn't go to this wedding of his older brother, but that is apparently not inexcusable, but Rick's and my absence was inexcusable.

The wedding was in October, and our kids and grandkids wanted to go to Disney World, and we always go to Disney with the kids to be with them, and to help with the little ones with baby swap. We are all about our grandkids and spending time with them. I did not realize what a hurt this would be to my sister, or I would have gone. We would have even flown from Orlando to Salt Lake City and back again the next day, had we known this would hurt her so deeply.

This sister will never have grandkids. Her kids have all stated that grandchildren would not be in my sister's future. The reasons for that decision by 3 out of 3 kids are not really something I understand, but I think that means (to her) that these weddings are very momentous occasions that shouldn't be dismissed as anything but mandatory.

I really would love to go back and do things differently, I would catch that plane to Salt Lake and not miss this wedding, but I cannot undo what has been done.

I don't think she really forgives me, even though I told her sorry so many times. She can hold a grudge. She is five years younger but has a different set of values from mine. But we always get along, and this is the first time I have felt this sadness that our relationship may never be the same.

What can I do but express my sincere apology that I missed this very important occasion? I am so sad and depressed about it.

 

[Patri]

My sympathies. You probably can’t do anything else. My sisters and I have a goal to attend every niece and nephew wedding, because we all live so far apart. Our brother doesn’t go to any. It is so hard to mesh schedules, but we always have fun. Did you have plenty of advance notice, like before you planned your vacation? Your kids should be able to handle their own children on trips, and it sounds like you do see the grands a lot. Are you and your sister typically close? Unfortunately, I think it is going to take time to dull the hurt.

 

[pittle]

I am sorry that your sister is angry with you. I do not have a sister, so do not know the dynamics of sisters.

I do have 3 brothers and none of them came to either our sons weddings. They sent nice gifts. We did not expect them to come as we do not live near any of them. Two of my brothers (who have no children) do join us regularly on vacations now, but the one who does have 2 grown children and grandchildren does not - because "it is just too expensive".

We did go to my only niece's wedding because my mother insisted that all of her children and their spouses attend. We had already sent an expensive gift from their wedding registry since we did not plan to fly to NC, but 2 weeks before, we booked flights, a hotel room, and rented a car to stop the daily phone calls and whining of my mother. We saw the bride and groom for a total of 30 minutes that weekend when you count that they came to my brothers to see them after the rehearsal dinner. If my mother and other 2 brothers & wives were not there, we would not have had a soul to talk to. Hubs said that we would never spend thousands to go to a wedding or funeral again. We did not go to my nephew's wedding as they opted for A/I in Dominican Republic! (This is the brother who cannot fly to PV for free timeshare lodgings with his siblings.)

My husband has 2 brothers and a sister and we have never been invited to their children's weddings. We had moved away and only saw them whenever we visited his parents. None have ever visited us in our home. That is OK with us as we were the ones who chose to go to college and leave the state of Arkansas to pursue careers.

I hope that she will come to her senses soon and your relationship will be restored.

 

[DaveNV]

Sorry, but maybe your sister should have spoken with you before the wedding, to ask if you were attending. To come back at you after the fact like this seems a shade suspect. To get her feelings hurt because you were half a country away also seems a little self-serving, particularly in light of all the others who didn't attend, or who were not invited. Why are you the only one being held accountable? It's not like you sat home watching TV or something.

I think your sister is being unreasonable. She's expecting you to make her day worthwhile, instead of focusing on the point of the gathering - her son's wedding. Nope. Not gonna buy into this.

Dave

 

[stmartinfan]

If you had booked your trip before you got the wedding invite, it would have been reasonable to explain to her personally why you couldn't attend. i'd think most people would understand the issue of not wanting to loose money on reservations. If you booked after the invite arrived, it does feel like a real snub of the family, especially since she probably knows that your trip to Disney wasn't a once in a life time event for your family. Given how hard it can be to get extended family together, weddings do provide that opportunity and we try to attend all of them.

 

[Luanne]

I didn't even get an invitation to my nephew's wedding. Only son of my only sister. I knew I was expected to come and my mom told me I could come as her plus one. My sister thought that maybe the guest list had gotten cut off. But even after knowing I hadn't gotten the invitation I wasn't sent one. I did go to the wedding though.

 

[rickandcindy23]

I did know about the date ahead of time. I am absolutely guilty of not realizing how very important it was to my sister that we attend.

Our oldest son and his wife at first said they only wanted to go to Disney for a week, then they decided to add an additional week, because they knew they would be letting their Disney AP's go, and they expired the day they left. I tried to get our son # 2 and his family to go at the same time, so we wouldn't have to be in Disney for four weeks.

Our grandkids are twin babies (they turn a year on 12/26), a five-year-old go-getter, rides everything and our oldest son's kids are 3 and 8. The eight-year-old doesn't ride everything because she is scared of rides. Son # 2 didn't want their five-year-old daughter to be at the parks at the same time as the eight-year-old because she might start acting scared of rides. In other words, the kids wouldn't go at the same time.

Going without us was not an option for either family. They cannot enjoy the parks without us because they would have to do baby swap to ride alone. That's no fun. I know it's no fun because Rick doesn't like going to the parks, just us, because he skips the rides he loves because I won't ride roller coasters. He doesn't like riding by himself.

And our grandkids are of the utmost importance to us. I know some of you understand that love and that need to be with the grandkids, whatever it takes.

 

[slip]

Life is too short to worry about this. Keep your contacts with her like you always have. If she is not responsive, that's on her. You have nothing to apologize for. People have to understand that you have to live your life and sometimes things just don't work out.

I never went to any family get togethers/events out of state. I just didn't like driving that far, especially for short weekends. I also always had my vacations planned. I only got so much vacation time and considered that my time and I never changed it.

All my family seems to understand and we all still communicate all the time. I don't know what they say when I'm not there though but I don't worry about it either.

One of my nephews is getting married in Costa Rica in February. They know we aren't going but we will send a gift. It is funny that of course my brother is going but he sure doesn't want to. He is stay 4 days.

 

[DaveNV]

Maybe you could arrange for a Disney honeymoon for the whole family?

Dave

 

[dago]

I can understand your guilt, but you have to get over it. I had a similar experience about 10 years ago when my nephew was getting married in SF. I declined the invitation. I sent an expensive gift. I had my reasons for not going but didn't express them. I didn't feel it was necessary. Probably should have. Anyway, I didn't get any complaint from either my nephew or his Mom (his dad is deceased). Where I got the lecture from was from my sister in Massachusetts. She gave me this dissertation thru an e-mail about it's not very often the 3 of us can get together, as she and my other sister from Florida were going. Ironically, the one lecturing me originally declined the invitation, claiming it was too expensive, but was somehow talked into attending. (I think one our nieces offered to pay her way). I will summarize what I told her. I told her that indeed it is difficult for the 3 of us to get together, but why does it have to be at a wedding or funeral.
I know, I was probably cruel saying that, but I was offended by someone telling me I was obligated to go.

 

[rickandcindy23]

Maybe you could arrange for a Disney honeymoon for the whole family?

Dave

My sister's family is not into Disney. I have offered many times. The nephew that just got married is a professor of philosophy and psychology in Salt Lake, and he pretty much hates fake stuff. He is a cynical person and always was a cynic. He is now close to 39, and when he was a kid, he made sure I knew how he felt about the fake Kilamanjaro Safari ride. He didn't like the overly-dramatic chasing of the poachers of the elephant tusks. It's all supposed to educate people, but he just saw it as ridiculous. He was about 14. That was probably the last time my sister went to Disney World.

That is the one thing I notice that my sister gets pretty short with me about, vacation accommodations, especially when I offer her a trip to Disney (at an actual Disney resort) or if I ask if she is ready to go to Hawaii again. My hobby fascinates some people and is a turnoff to others, including her.

 

[chellej]

Just curious, did she come to all of your kids weddings?

I dont think it's reasonable to expect people to fly in to any wedding. If it was a matter of driving across town, that's one thing, but not when a significant trip is involved.

2 of my children chose to get married in Hawaii. Neither of my brothers came to my daughters wedding and only one came to my sons. I wasn't mad...thats a big expense .

 

[DaveNV]

My sister's family is not into Disney. I have offered many times. The nephew that just got married is a professor of philosophy and psychology in Salt Lake, and he pretty much hates fake stuff. He is a cynical person and always was a cynic. He is now close to 39, and when he was a kid, he made sure I knew how he felt about the fake Kilamanjaro Safari ride. He didn't like the overly-dramatic chasing of the poachers of the elephant tusks. It's all supposed to educate people, but he just saw it as ridiculous. He was about 14. That was probably the last time my sister went to Disney World.

That is the one thing I notice that my sister gets pretty short with me about, vacation accommodations, especially when I offer her a trip to Disney (at an actual Disney resort) or if I ask if she is ready to go to Hawaii again. My hobby fascinates some people and is a turnoff to others, including her.

That's a drag that they can't allow some whimsy into their lives. I would have loved to have had relatives who offered me such wonderful vacation opportunities as you have yours. We grew up way more than dirt-poor, so "vacations" were something other families did - never us.

I hope your sister will get over her feelings about this. No amount of browbeating you will change what happened.

Dave

 

[klpca]

You can't change people, places, or things - and you can't change your sister's mind.

I am so sorry that you feel guilty, but your sister is in charge of her own emotions. You set a boundary (grandchildren>nephew's wedding) and she is having an issue respecting it, so you cannot do anything about that because the issue is on her side. Hopefully given some time, she will realize that your apology is sincere and heartfelt. In the meantime, try to go easy on yourself. You had no way of knowing that she would get so upset, and there isn't anything that you can do about that anyway. Work on the things that you can control.

With family, it seems like it's always something.

 

[joestein]

While you can't change what is past, I have always seen these sort of events as rare occasions to gather the whole family. When my daughters had their Bat Mitzvah my family and my wife's came in from all over the country. Weddings and similar events like the Bat Mitzvah are happy life events. Sadly, many times when we all gather it is for a sad event, like a death.

My niece and nephew both got married (not to each other - that would be another event entirely) during COVID - we would have attended their weddings in Boston and San Fransisco if they were not canceled due to COVID.

 

[rickandcindy23]

Just curious, did she come to all of your kids weddings?

I dont think it's reasonable to expect people to fly in to any wedding. If it was a matter of driving across town, that's one thing, but not when a significant trip is involved.

2 of my children chose to get married in Hawaii. Neither of my brothers came to my daughters wedding and only one came to my sons. I wasn't mad...thats a big expense .

She did come to our kids' weddings, which were all in the Denver area, and that is where we all live. The wedding being in Salt Lake didn't make any difference to me, I would have driven and stayed in Park City at a Marriott timeshare for a week. We planned to do that early on, when we knew the date. Even my sister said there were a lot of people at the wedding that she didn't know, so they stayed pretty close to my other sister and her husband and friends that came.

I wonder if I am going to be let off the hook a bit because my sister's son (that lives with her at 36 years old, along with us wife), didn't go because their dog was not well. That doesn't seem like a great excuse to me for missing an older brother's wedding. They watched the wedding by video, as we did.

When it comes to anything we choose, our grandkids win every time. I told her at lunch that our grandkids are our priority. They just are.

 

[rickandcindy23]

While you can't change what is past, I have always seen these sort of events as rare occasions to gather the whole family. When my daughters had their Bat Mitzvah my family and my wife's came in from all over the country. Weddings and similar events like the Bat Mitzvah are happy life events. Sadly, many times when we all gather it is for a sad event, like a death.

My niece and nephew both got married (not to each other - that would be another event entirely) during COVID - we would have attended their weddings in Boston and San Fransisco if they were not canceled due to COVID.

I feel that way. I feel that these are ideal times for family to get together, but the ones I cared about seeing were my niece, who came (without her husband) from North Carolina, and I did care about seeing my nephew and his bride, of course.

No one else mattered all that much because I have the ability to see my sisters as much as we want. I live within a 60 minute drive of the middle sister, and our youngest sister, whose son just got married, lives 20 minutes from my house, door-to-door. If we don't make much of an effort locally to get together, and that is something my sisters would like to change, then we should be fixing it. We should get together, the three of us, and do some fun things. But we don't. Our youngest sister retired at 60. She has a lot of time on her hands with no grandkids. The middle sister has 3 grandkids and actually lives on a farm with their family.

It's been about 18 months since I have seen the nephew that just got married.

Maybe I am a little miffed that our kids and grandkids weren't invited, and that helped make my decision about going to Orlando instead, but I didn't think about it on the surface, but maybe deep down it did have an effect. I think my nephew would have a psychological theory on that, actually.

 

[T_R_Oglodyte]

Free advice is worth what you pay for it. So here is my free advice. Based on my own mental health management measures.

Nobody can make you feel guilty or sorry or ashamed without your permission. You've said your apologies. IMO - it's now time to stop giving her permission to govern (at least in part) your emotional state.

It's ok to regret missing the wedding. But that sorrow/regret should be something you apply to yourself. It should not be something that someone else gives you. If you don't think you did anything wrong, or you've made appropriate apologies, then there's no reason to feel sorry.

Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you, and don't let her continue to try to manipulate your emotions by cutting you out of her life. That was her decision. That means that you are not responsible for the consequences of that decision. Lay it back to her - let her know that was her decision, you respect her decision, and the door is always open if she changes her mind.

Based on what you have said, she appears to have cut you out of her life to punish you. So just don't reward her by giving her what she wants. When you are doing this you are defanging her action. But if you let her use that to affect you, you are encouraging her to do it again in the future.

And this in no way should affect you from staying in contact with her children and family. Again, don't give her permission to determine who you choose to have in your life.

 

[heathpack]

I was in the wedding party for a close childhood friend. At the time, I was a super poor vet student in NC. I had to get myself up to NY for the wedding, buy a ridiculous (and expensive) hot pink dress, and dye shoes to match. In short, it was expensive and I went to significant effort.

Then when I got married, she didn’t come because her family was taking a road trip out of state to visit her in laws. Her in laws are difficult people but it really seemed to me that she could’ve likely changed the dates given the nature of the trip.

I wasn’t angry but it did change the way I saw our friendship. We’re still friends but her not coming to my wedding after I put so much into hers was a big deal. It taught me the life lesson: always go to the wedding. It’s important to people, and they will remember you for how important you found their important day.

I wouldn’t feel guilty because what’s done is done. But I don’t think your sister is being wacky. It was important to her and she wanted it to be important to you.

 

[JudyH]

Very interesting thread. Some good advice here. I am guessing this applies to first weddings only in most cases.

 

[billymach4]

No doubt you have heard this already You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Sorry you are having difficulty and the guilt from your Sister. I started to include my mini story. But it did not fell right to post here.


You are indeed great commentary from the current replies. I have family issues and drama that have been turned into best seller's and TV movies. This is absolutely true. Yes the paparazzi and media wrote books and made movies about certain individuals in segment of the family.

Don't bother asking me either as I will never disclose those details. Nothing proud to share.

 

[Snazzylass]

Maybe this is your clue, " We planned to do that early on, when we knew the date."

It sounds like she thought you were coming. Just understand that the pain is too fresh for her right now. Depending on her temperament, it's possible this will pass. I was really, really upset at the time that my sister-in-law did not attend my son's wedding...but now I just shake my head. It is what it is.

 

[Talent312]

I say: Life is too short to spend your time worrying about it.
Besides, about 50% of all marriages end in divorce.*
So, chances are pretty good that it won't last.
_________
*Source: worldpopulationreview.com