I learned directly of Mom's relenting on assisted living (the original comment had been made to Cliff, not me) when as we were leaving their home early last week and she hit me with "I'm going to sell this house right out from under you and Hope". Said matter of factly, not with malice, when we were standing with our coats in our hands pending departure. I was miffed that we'd been there an hour and she hit me with it as we were leaving. I said good, she should use her money for her care, and we left.
So of course Cliff started meddling behind the scenes. He couldn't get his mom into assisted living, so now that he has seen my mom relent on the idea he is in hyper drive. Unbeknownst to Mom, Cliff set up tours and we have visited two facilities. One is $10K per month, the other (literally around the block from her home) is $7Kish. Many many more "old ladies with walkers" than we've seen when we've visited our more independent living oriented CCRC in Carlsbad. Three meals a day with table/menu service, transportation to doctors and outings, beautiful surroundings, no in unit kitchens, but a small fridge and they can have a microwave. Other than the idea of the monthly cash outlay, Mom should be very happy.
We took tacos for lunch to my parents after one of the tours. That's when we realized that being open to assisted living was some far off date in my mother's mind. Her comment was "I told Hope when I can no longer care for myself she can put me in assisted living". We said nothing, especially because I want Mom to get used to being a widow before making any moves, and second and somewhat meanly on my part, I want her to see what being alone with no transportation while my sister leaves for two weeks of pet sitting is like. And selfishly I want Mom to make a move when she is fully capable of handling the sale of her home, with our help. She'll be 85 next month, can't see well, has some mobility issues, I think the move should happen before she turns 88 -- sooner if other health issues come up.
On Sunday Cliff came up with what I thought is a great idea. If Mom moves to AL, that leaves Hope unable to afford an apartment by herself on her SS disability. So Mom will have to kick in funds. What if Hope went to AL with Mom? Those calls were made, and yes, especially with Hope being "disabled", a two bedroom can be had, with meals, for less than she can rent an apartment in our area. Will she want to live with the walker brigade? I'm guessing that is a big fat no, but it may be a good solution.
I sent my sister an email after Mom's comment about "selling the house out from under" her daughters, thinking it was said in frustration at Hope. I gently suggested that once Dad was gone, that Hope wouldn't have to go pet sitting to avoid him, and/or could take local jobs rather than drive well over an hour away. And I said if she was around to help Mom, they both could continue to live "rent free" (mortgage paid off years ago; my parents don't charge my sister rent because she drives Mom to hair and doctors appts when she deigns to stay in town) for years to come. Hope's reply was Mom could go with her to pet sitting in Pacific Palisades, the pet owners wouldn't mind; or that she could call Mom from PP every evening; or that I could go sleep on Mom's couch. In other words totally clueless.
Big thanks to the Tugger who told me I need to think of Hope not as unwilling, but as incapable. That helps a lot.