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Proof of what is a good life?

Discussion in 'TUG Lounge' started by Fredflintstone, Dec 3, 2019.

  1. Fredflintstone

    Fredflintstone TUG Member

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    https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_wa...ad&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

    This 75 year old study proves what is a good life. Nope...it’s not money...it’s not fame and it’s not work...

    It’s simply good, healthy relationships.

    This explains why vacationing with friends or family is so important. It’s to give you your most basic need...relationships.

    It’s not the timeshare but the relationships that develop from it.

    So, Vacation on and be sure to bring a friend or loved one with you!






    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
    Glynda and rhonda like this.
  2. WinniWoman

    WinniWoman TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    I guess I am screwed then. No friends or family nearby and if we don't move soon I am going to go insane as I need to form some kind of bond with some people- even if it is one or two. Husband is not social- more of a loner. Quiet. I need conversation and some laughter,, too.

    I thought maybe you were looking for something like a roof over your head, heat in the winter and water and food. Thankfully I have that.

    And- yes- thankfully we can take a few vacations here and there. One thing I am not happy with if we give back our timeshare is that there are some owners that have been going the same week as us and I like seeing them year after year, though we mostly just chat a bit by the pool- nothing social after that- like dinner or an activity or whatever.

    That is mainly because most of them have their grown kids and grandchildren with them and naturally are involved with them. We don't have that. We have our son with us a couple of days, but he is a man and mostly does his own thing understandably.

    It is also because my husband does not "get involved" with anyone. Like go play a game of volleyball with the guys or go for a hike or just even have a conversation.Don't get me wrong- IF he is at the pool- which is rare- and someone talks to him he will be cordial and talk with them if it is something he can relate to. But again- a rarity. He never initiates a conversation- nope.

    It's lonely for sure but I plow through. Doesn't seem to bother my husband. He can sit around all day- watch TV- even on vacation- and not speak to anyone. SMH....
     
  3. rapmarks

    rapmarks TUG Review Crew: Elite TUG Member

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    I can sympathize with you MaryAnn, my husband can’t make conversation except with one or two friends, we have basically no friends because people act like it is catching. We used to strike up conversations with people at time shares, but that hadn’t happened for years. Of course, I can no longer have a conversation with him.
     
  4. WinniWoman

    WinniWoman TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    Terrible.:(

    Prayers for you both. Stay strong.
     
  5. Passepartout

    Passepartout TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    I believe that in the end, social bonds mean more than anything as regards to a healthy life. So join a club. Go to concerts. Volunteer. Go to church, sing in your local chorus, or learn an instrument. Say 'Hi' to the person behind you at the supermarket, and say, ' Let's go get a slice of pizza'. Canvas for a political candidate. There are a million ways to connect with people. Just DO IT! Not all of 'em will be your bosom buddies, but you'll connect with some. And your life will improve. Honest.

    Jim
     
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  6. Sugarcubesea

    Sugarcubesea TUG Member

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this... Much love and prayers going out to you... That is my worse fear is having dementia or alzheimer's scares me the most about retirement...I had an uncle with this terrible disease and it was so hard to watch him decline and not know anyone...

    I hate when people shy away from friends or neighbors that have this disease but this is the time you need companionship the most. I'm so sorry you are going thru this alone...
     
  7. pedro47

    pedro47 TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    I can feel your pains because I have walked your walked and talked your talked.
    It is very hard and very sad. Because you are physically and mentally their 24/7 without any major relief. Yes, a nurse, a family member or some friends may come over for some temporary relief time. But you are home bound their for 24/7.

    However, You will be able to handle this, stay focus on what must be done, pray, pray and pray.
    You will fall on your knees and pray for relief. The answer will come from pray and you will be ok. Believe me.
     
  8. bogey21

    bogey21 TUG Member

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    Living in my CCRC is a God Send vis-a-vis relationships. There are 600 people who live in my CCRC all with different backgrounds. I end up with extended conversations with many of them. Two simple examples (out of many). One guy flew bombing missions over Germany during WWII, another was a CIA Agent. Conversations with them are amazing. I can give you many other examples. Trust me most people have a story and are willing to discuss it with you if you just take the initiative and open the conversation...

    George
     
  9. VacationForever

    VacationForever Tug Review Crew: Rookie TUG Member

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    Hire a home care agency to take care of him for a few hours a day to give you respite. Go out. You need to get a social life back.
     
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  10. rapmarks

    rapmarks TUG Review Crew: Elite TUG Member

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    I can still leave him alone so I go to bridge, but he is complaining about me being gone. He still plays in men's league, but comes home very discouraged. My bridge overlaps with his golf. I have been skipping my golf league a lot this year, and hope to get back in the groove after the holidays. We are also on a bocce team together, that is twice a week. so he still has activities, but he doesn't say much.
    Certain friends used to want to get together for dinner but they no longer care to do that with us. A friend is coming down mid January, and her husband loves to talk and we go to some club activities together. Most of the time in a social setting, he just sits there, he can't order off a menu so that is always a difficult time. I could get a group of my lady friends to go out, but I don't think it is fair to have him sit at a table full of ladies.
     
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  11. VacationForever

    VacationForever Tug Review Crew: Rookie TUG Member

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    Hence hire an agency to have someone spend time with him at home while you go out. You can use the line that this hired help is going to take care of the home, cleaning, pets etc instead of saying that the help is for him. They may amaze you and your husband as to how well they can engage your husband. Find an agency who trains their staff with dementia care.
     
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  12. rapmarks

    rapmarks TUG Review Crew: Elite TUG Member

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    Yes, I would like someone who would take him to the driving range to let him practice and then out to lunch.
    The agency that helped me after knee surgery, ended with a bummer. She refused to do anything and sat on here phone. I had to send her home.
     
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  13. VacationForever

    VacationForever Tug Review Crew: Rookie TUG Member

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    You just need to try another company.
     
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  14. WinniWoman

    WinniWoman TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    Sometimes the agencies will not let the aides drive. The agency we used for my mom, they allowed the aide to drive my mom's car, but not her own.

    I worked in home care (in management) most of my life. We did have some really good aides, but few and far between I am sorry to say. It's tough.
     
  15. WinniWoman

    WinniWoman TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    PS My 94 year old aunt has 2 really great aides- paid privately- not through an agency. Not sure how her daughter found them- maybe the church. One is day and one is overnight.

    They get paid cash and can you believe the day aide is a male? He is great- he can't stand staying in so he takes her out as much as possible. He has brought her down from the country up here where she lives to Fordham- her old neighborhood- the botanical gardens in NYC, movies, restaurants, parks- you name it. And she is in a wheelchair! Works out as my aunt never could stay in either when she was younger. She was always gallivanting.
     
  16. VacationForever

    VacationForever Tug Review Crew: Rookie TUG Member

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    There are many reasons to use an agency instead of "hiring" under the table:
    - If privately "hired" aide gets injured and tells doctor that it is due to work injury, it becomes a worker's compensation claim in which none has been paid into. The aide gets a lawyer and goes after the family. Guess who wins.
    - If privately "hired" files for unemployment claim after being fired or client dies, guess who EDD goes after.
    - If aide decides to collect more money, aide goes to lawyer to file for back pay, overtime pay etc. Guess who loses.

    We have seen them all. My husband was hired by lawyers on both sides as expert withness in their cases. One that really stood out for us was a woman who took care of the elderly (Mom) was promised by Mom that the aide would get Mom's house in lieu of getting paid. When Mom died, the children threw out the woman. Woman got lawyer, she got more than the house after all back wages was calculated. The children lost Mom's house + lawyer fees on both sides + additional back wages.

    Another woman was summoned to appear at EDD because the aide she "hired" privately was fired and the aide filed an unemployment claim, only that payroll taxes were never paid into EDD.

    Under the law, there is no independent contractor in home care industry. Home care aides fail in the "right-to-control" test and as such they are always under someone's employment, either an agency or the family. The family has to be an employer when hiring privately, meaning doing the filing and paying employment taxes and getting workers' compensation for the aides.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019
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  17. rapmarks

    rapmarks TUG Review Crew: Elite TUG Member

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    Doesn’t sound like a good idea
     
  18. pedro47

    pedro47 TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    May I suggest hired an agency or an aide that will fulfill your needs and your desires for your husband. This means interviewing individuals after individuals to find the right person and mixed for your husband. It also, means following up on the agency or individual after you hired them to see they are meeting your needs and your husband’s desires.
     
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  19. WinniWoman

    WinniWoman TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    Yes- right, But the reality is agencies first off charge like 3 or 4 times what you would pay privately. You really aren't getting anyone better for the money despite what they advertise.The aide is getting a low wage and the agency gets the rest.

    Maybe things are different in other parts of the country but I know from 20 years of experience you have to be lucky either way to get a good reliable dedicated aide.

    I can tell you horror stories. Many agencies will put any warm body into a home as long as they have the right documents.

    This all said, at least if the aide alls out the agency can try to get you someone else for the day. But don;t hold your breath.
     
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  20. WinniWoman

    WinniWoman TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    BTW- in NYS- they allow relatives of a patient to care for him/her and they get paid as an aide would.
     
  21. VacationForever

    VacationForever Tug Review Crew: Rookie TUG Member

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    I am not saying an aide is better from an agency vs. private hire. I am highlighting the issue with "hiring" a private hire if you are not going to hire legally. There are companies like "Care Family" - you can google it, who actually help you find a private aide through their registry and they will take care of the legal piece for you, for a small percentage. They cannot operate in some states like California due to more stringent local state laws. I don't think they cover Workers Compensation though. It has been a while. We knew the owner back then.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019
  22. elaine

    elaine TUG Member

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    i use an agency for my mom. Not a nursing service. Some are nursing assistants but others aren’t. They can drive her car or theirs for an extra fee. The 1st one was not a good fit. The 2nd one is great. Mom loves her. You can ask for someone who has experience engaging elders/onset dementia. Mom’s emotional and cognitive has actually improved since we got her. She comes 4 hrs/2x week. Costs $160/week in Florida. The aide gets a low wage, like $13. She’s awesome. She’s between jobs and will go elsewhere at some point I’m sure.
     
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  23. elaine

    elaine TUG Member

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    Also the aide engages mom much better than I do. She can prompt mom to tell her about ......
     
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  24. pedro47

    pedro47 TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    Hiring an aide is not under the table in Virginia. An aide is employed by agency, a nursing home or a hospital. An aide must follow and is certified in the Commonwealth of Virginia.
     
  25. pianodinosaur

    pianodinosaur TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    Sometimes it can be very difficult to distinguish between depression, dementia, and deafness in the elderly. It is also possible to have both lice and fleas. If your spouse has become withdrawn and non communicative, a visit to a physician who is willing to spend an hour or more listening to you and carefully examining your spouse may help. As we get older many of us end up on more medications. The drug side effects and drug interactions can also alter behavior. The best thing about growing old is that it beats the alternative.
     

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