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A little weekend humor: And then the fight started...

Discussion in 'TUG Lounge' started by DaveNW, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. DaveNW

    DaveNW TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    Found these online. I busted out laughing over several. Hope you laugh too. :)

    Dave

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started...

    _____________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    _____________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw, and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning -- the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
    So I said, 'Well, then, which one ARE you?"

    That's how the fight started...

    ________________________________


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started...
     
  2. WVBaker

    WVBaker TUG Member

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    :thumbup:
     
  3. dsmrp

    dsmrp TUG Member

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    very funny. Thanks for sharing Dave
     
  4. brownhaired_girl

    brownhaired_girl TUG Member

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    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  5. Snazzylass

    Snazzylass Guest

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    Yeah, these are terrible! And, hilarious :) Thanks for the chuckles
     
    CanuckTravlr likes this.
  6. silentg

    silentg TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    Rodney Dangerfield !
     
    CanuckTravlr likes this.
  7. pedro47

    pedro47 TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    Thanks love them all.
     
  8. Tank

    Tank TUG Member

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    Like to Start my day with a smile,
    Mission accomplished !
    Have a great day!
     
  9. mav

    mav TUG Member

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    Thank you for the laughs:)
     
  10. mdurette

    mdurette Sighting Expert & TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    Thanks for the chuckle to start my day
     
  11. mpumilia

    mpumilia TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    :clap: Hilarious!
     
  12. #1 Cowboys Fan

    #1 Cowboys Fan TUG Review Crew: Veteran TUG Member

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    I like them, too
     
  13. MULTIZ321

    MULTIZ321 TUG Member

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    Hi Dave,

    What happened to the last joke in the list that had a hilarious Jackie Gleason Comment at the end and then the fight started.

    Went back to look at the comment and the joke was gone - was it somehow deleted?

    Thanks

    Richard
     
  14. DaveNW

    DaveNW TUG Review Crew: Expert TUG Member

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    These aren’t original, so I wonder if you saw that somewhere else? I don’t remember a Gleason comment at the end?

    Dave
     
  15. MULTIZ321

    MULTIZ321 TUG Member

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    It was from the Honeymooners and cracked me up.

    Richard
     
    DaveNW likes this.
  16. x3 skier

    x3 skier Tug Review Crew: Rookie TUG Member

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    :banana::clap:

    Cheers
     

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