Let's see - my BIL passed at 47 from melanoma. My sister-in-law was in denial. Literally as he was slipping away, she called 911 and had him on a ventilator. He lasted a few days. I thought that was torture and "what was she thinking".
My other BIL - passed at 60 from a heart attack (the brother). We would have all done the same, my sister-in-law called 911. They brought him back but was also put on life support/ventilator. She was also in denial. After a month, she was finally convinced he was not waking up and brain dead.
My dad passed 79 years. We/he knew he had lung cancer but wanted no testing, treatment, etc. So we had no clue how long he had. His final months, we put him on hospice. We or should I say, I, more or less took care of him at home. We had aides for a few hours but we did everything.
While my dad was diagnosed, my sister 46 at the time (not married/living at home), was also diagnosed with lung cancer. We knew she had 6-9 months. She tried chemo and radiation but in the end, she said, I want to be put in hospice like dad and no more treatments. Along with other family members we but mostly I, took care of her.
Now my mom was also going through breast cancer treatments and before she finished had open heart surgery.
My mom's house had three oxygen tanks and three hospital beds going. My dad passed first and three months later, I watched my sister take her last breath. The only thing she asked was that she did not want to die alone and for sure, she did not. She was surrounded by all of us. For 6 months between all three, I was there almost 24/7. Mostly my husband and I took turns. I was giving enemas, washing, cleaning them, blood, them getting sick and everything around them. The hardest 6 months of my life and I would do it all over again.
My father-in-law - who was never sick, became ill. In the hospital for infection, passing out, dehydrated. They put in a new pacemaker but we knew it was probably not needed. He declined fast.
He went home. After my husband visited him and came home, my mother in law called. He passed while the aide was there. After a few minutes or so, the nurse came in for a follow-up and apparently called 911. (we did not know this but no matter). My husband and I got there in the meantime and there was crying and calls made (family). I told my husband and mother in law let's straighten his body out so he does not get "stiff" that way (I knew from experience). Now EMS, police and Fire department come in. EMS touches him and say he is still a bit warm so they picked him up from his chair and threw him on the floor.
What a scene that I never hope to experience again. By law they have to work on him I believe she said 15 minutes.......don't quote me on this. My MIL is screaming to leave him alone, he has been dead for a while. My husband had to be held back and taken outside by the cops since he was also screaming. They were telling all responders about the will - no artificial this, or that, life support, etc. It meant nothing since it was not a DNR. Long story short, they did not bring him back.
Since that incident, my mother in law made sure she had a DNR where everyone could see it. One should also carry it with them.
My mom passed after being in the hospital for three weeks - due to an infection on her leg from diabetes. Because of other issues, she went downhill.
My mother in law one morning was waiting for my husband to pick her up to take her for a haircut. She had called the neighbor and told her to call her son (my husband) why she did not call us is beyond me. Long story short.........she bled to death. Her vein popped/burst on the side/bottom of her leg. That was another story and we pray she went quick and did not suffer. (her sister is now having issues with the same leg that starts bleeding).
We all wish we could go while we sleep. Please God let it be quick and painless.
I do not want to be a burden to my kids or possibly husband some day. I say, As long as I can walk and wipe my "b...tt", I would like to be home with an aide. If I am alone, lonely and can still take care of myself....maybe I can live with one of my children but only if I have my own separate entrance/privacy, etc.
I have no problem if they put us in a nursing home as long as they don't forget about us. Come to visit and oversee what is going on. Take us out, pay someone to spend time with us if they can't., etc. etc.
Family members should know what one's wishes are. No one wants to suffer.
Sorry I know it's long. I had 5 deaths within 18 months including my best friend/next door neighbor (54 yrs. old) of over 25 years (colon cancer). (My mom and mil were a few years after one of the last 5 and two years later my mother in law).
Enjoy life and let's be thankful for today. A blessed day to everyone.
Thank you for the article.
We've always been healthy and active and were enjoying early retirement, so this totally caught us off guard. By far, the hardest discussion in my life was to tell my husband and my GYN/Oncologist exactly how much I wanted to have done if surgery confirmed the worst (which was really bad). The standard procedure was to explore and remove anything that might prevent cancer from spreading. I'd always said I wanted no heroic measures, that quality of life is the most important thing to me and all that BS, but until I had to really face that decision, they were just words. I am blessed that my husband of many decades held my hand, listened, and respected my decision. Thankfully, the tumor turned out to be benign - and I'm still here on TUG, planning many more vacations!
