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Sometimes it is the little things that "irk" me.

b2bailey

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I am so sorry to hear of your brother in laws passing. Life's changes just takes your breath away sometime.

And I swear, the lack of manners that I see on social media is so disappointing. I have seen a social media acquaintance "break the news" of someone's death. Seriously? I taught my kids that when in doubt, ask yourself "is this my news to share?" If the answer is *no* then keep your lips zipped! Social media is still in the wild west stage. Too bad we don't have more guidelines about how to deal with things like this.

My husband posted exactly zero during his health issues - most of our more distant friends (i.e. social media friends) had no idea. On the other hand, a friend's husband is going through chemo/radiation and she posts something every day, and some of the posts are pretty graphic. To each his own, I suppose. My husband would have been uncomfortable if I had posted that much during his treatment.
Yes, I think the question about 'my news to share' hits the nail on the head. Announcement vs. Condolences.
 

b2bailey

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As always, thank you to my friends on TUG for sharing comfort and your stories. When I became a widow, almost five years ago, I made a list of women whom I realized would most likely follow me down that path in years to come. Now there are two in my 'widows club'. It will be interesting to see whether any of the husband's defy statistics and outlive their wives.
 

pianodinosaur

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May the Lord Bless you and protect you and your family.
 

Snazzylass

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After writing subject line, was thinking that the word "irk" is a strange one... But I digress.

This morning my dear brother in law passed away after a 6 year battle with multiple myeloma.

My gripe is about people who would post tribute remarks to HIS Facebook page BEFORE the family makes the announcement. Seems there needs to be a social media protocol or something. This same thing happened earlier this year when my step-mother passed. My thinking is... Give the family time to compose an announcement before writing about "the Finish Line" -- (he had been a marathon runner).
I am so sorry for your loss. That does sound dopey and inappropriate.
 

Snazzylass

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Sorry for your loss. It's very hard losing loved ones.

I fully understand how you feel. My older brother was diagnosed with metastatic Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer about three weeks ago. It is untreatable, and he is not a chemo candidate. It came as a complete surprise to him, and has turned our family upside down. His one remaining kidney has failed, and he is on dialysis. We know he's not long for the world, and we want him to have as easy a transition as possible. But his no-class friends are already posting about him on his own FB page in the past tense. They're talking about who will get which of his possessions and such. Very unsettling to read.

Dave
Dave, please know that we will be keeping you and your family in our thoughts in the coming weeks. Surely we expect to have our parents pass, but man, don't even talk to me about my siblings. :(
 

DaveNV

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Dave, please know that we will be keeping you and your family in our thoughts in the coming weeks. Surely we expect to have our parents pass, but man, don't even talk to me about my siblings. :(

Thank you. I agree, it's always hard losing a loved one, even a coworker, but it's very hard when it's a sibling. My brother is only 70 years old. Truth be told, he's had a hard life, and has made some poor life choices regarding drug abuse and such, but he's been clean and sober for more than a dozen years. This cancer came as quite a shock to him. Nobody deserves to get such a hard diagnosis when there isn't any recourse.

As I write this, he is on the East Coast, visiting with his son, his only child. They are having time to say their Goodbyes. He'll fly back to California tomorrow with my younger brother, who accompanied him on the trip. He says he plans to stop dialysis after this, but we'll see. He is very tired, and his medications are increasing, but he may not be ready to call an end to his life just yet. We're all prepared, whatever his choice, as long as he doesn't suffer any pain. This is hard enough as it is - he doesn't need to be uncomfortable.

Dave
 
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Snazzylass

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Thank you. I agree, it's always hard losing a loved one, even a coworker, but it's very hard when it's a sibling. My brother is only 70 years old. Truth be told, he's had a hard life, and has made some poor life choices regarding drug abuse and such, but he's been clean and sober for more than a dozen years. This cancer came as quite a shock to him. Nobody deserves to get such a hard diagnosis when there isn't any recourse.

As I write this, he is on the East Coast, visiting with his son, his only child. They are having time to say their Goodbyes. He'll fly back to California tomorrow with my younger brother, who accompanied him on the trip. He says he plans to stop dialysis after this, but we'll see. He is very tired, and his medications are increasing, but he may not be ready to call and end to his life just yet. We're all prepared, whatever his choice, as long as he doesn't suffer any pain. This is hard enough as it is - he doesn't need to be uncomfortable.

Dave
Dave, again, I am so sorry. There are no words of comfort in these situations. And, you just described my brother and most of my male relatives *sigh*

One of my male relatives opted out of treatment for his liver cancer. I totally respected his choice. I miss them all but they do live on in our memories and the stories we share.
 

geoand

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I am always tongue tied in terms of what to say. Losing a loved one is such an emotional hit. I am so sorry to read about the lost loved ones
 

silentg

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So sorry for your loss. We lost MIL in February and my husband’s youngest brother died the beginning of August. It’s been difficult for my husband and his brother for years, both tried to help, youngest brother but he was an alcoholic and drug addict. Living on the street, probably diabetic too.
His mother was an enabler and when she died, he couldn’t accept it and was estranged from my husband and other family members.
It’s been an emotional year .
Silentg
 

artringwald

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I taught my kids that when in doubt, ask yourself "is this my news to share?" If the answer is *no* then keep your lips zipped!

I wish everyone could follow that advice.
 

sun starved Gayle

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My sister works for the local paper where there has been two paid obituaries running on same day for the same person. Usually One paid for by second wife, and one paid for by children from first marriage that do not even mention second wife or their step siblings. People can hold grudges for a long time.
 

DaveNV

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My sister works for the local paper where there has been two paid obituaries running on same day for the same person. Usually One paid for by second wife, and one paid for by children from first marriage that do not even mention second wife or their step siblings. People can hold grudges for a long time.

Boy, do I hear that!

When my Mom died after a very brief battle with colon and liver cancer, (she was diagnosed only 35 days before she died, at age 67, and was in complete denial till the very end), the entire family was shocked and overwhelmed. Mom was the one who had always done everything for everybody, and she was the glue that held the family together. My siblings were a wreck, and my Stepdad (Mom's husband #6, who was with her for the last 20 years of her life) was beyond himself in his grief. Nobody knew what to do, and it fell to me to step up and handle things. I did the best I could. (Why is it we learn about and plan ahead for major life events like weddings and such, but not for funerals?) I was in a fog of emotion and grief, but "somebody" had to do it. Everything happened in a rush, and even now when I think back, it was all a total blur of activity and emotions.

After everything was over, and well after the obituary had been published, did people come out of the woodwork, critically asking why I didn't do or say this or that. "You forgot to name her cousins" was one obituary complaint I recall, from some relative I barely knew. I didn't forget - I chose not to do so. There were many dozens of cousins in her extended family - where do you draw the line? In the lengthy obit I had written and paid for, I named her (then) husband, her deceased parents, her four siblings and their spouses, and her four children and their spouses. 19 people named. There were a couple of dozen grandkids and a few great grandkids, far too many to name. Sorry, cousins were too far outside the inner circle of immediate family members to count. It's been almost 25 years since she died, and people still make periodic comments about why I didn't handle things this or that way. All I could do was say, "Yes, you're right, of course. The next time I plan my Mother's funeral, I'll do it your way." :rolleyes:

Grief is a monster.

Dave
 

DaveNV

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Update: I wanted to post back in this thread and say my brother Bob passed away quietly in his sleep this past Tuesday morning. Despite all odds, he survived 10 weeks after receiving his completely unexpected diagnosis of metastatic stage 4 pancreatic cancer in August. He was never in great pain, but he did suffer with the symptoms of his illness, and the ravages of what the cancer did to him. The mercy of it all is that the suffering has ended, and he is at rest. I'll miss you, big brother.

Dave
 

WinniWoman

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Update: I wanted to post back in this thread and say my brother Bob passed away quietly in his sleep this past Tuesday morning. Despite all odds, he survived 10 weeks after receiving his completely unexpected diagnosis of metastatic stage 4 pancreatic cancer in August. He was never in great pain, but he did suffer with the symptoms of his illness, and the ravages of what the cancer did to him. The mercy of it all is that the suffering has ended, and he is at rest. I'll miss you, big brother.

Dave

So very sorry, Dave. May he rest in peace. Prayers for you and your family.
 

klpca

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Update: I wanted to post back in this thread and say my brother Bob passed away quietly in his sleep this past Tuesday morning. Despite all odds, he survived 10 weeks after receiving his completely unexpected diagnosis of metastatic stage 4 pancreatic cancer in August. He was never in great pain, but he did suffer with the symptoms of his illness, and the ravages of what the cancer did to him. The mercy of it all is that the suffering has ended, and he is at rest. I'll miss you, big brother.

Dave
I'm sorry to hear that, Dave. My condolences.
 

bogey21

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My kids have been told in writing that I want no obituary at all. If one is legally necessary (and I'm not sure it is), they understand that it should be no more that two short paragraphs and say nothing more than he lived, he died and he is survived by his two ex-wives and 3 kids. End of story. They can figure out the exact wording...

George
 

VacationForever

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It is in my Advance Health Care Directive on no funeral, memorial and announcement. I will be cremated and my ashes will be disposed of in whatever fashion my loved ones want. Just as quietly I came into life, I wish to also quietly go away. The hardest part about death is for those who are left behind. If I have one wish in death it is to see and hold my parents again.
 
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WinniWoman

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I have in my "letter of instruction" to be cremated and my ashes spread along Lake Champlain in the area I have chosen. There is no one who will come to my service anyway. And that is ok with me. "The Water is wide....I can't cross over...And neither have I wings to fly. Give me a boat that can carry two. And both shall row. My love and I."
 

clifffaith

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Update: I wanted to post back in this thread and say my brother Bob passed away quietly in his sleep this past Tuesday morning. Despite all odds, he survived 10 weeks after receiving his completely unexpected diagnosis of metastatic stage 4 pancreatic cancer in August. He was never in great pain, but he did suffer with the symptoms of his illness, and the ravages of what the cancer did to him. The mercy of it all is that the suffering has ended, and he is at rest. I'll miss you, big brother.

Dave

I am so sorry to hear this. My condolences on the loss of your brother.
 

clifffaith

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I have in my "letter of instruction" to be cremated and my ashes spread along Lake Champlain in the area I have chosen. There is no one who will come to my service anyway. And that is ok with me. "The Water is wide....I can't cross over...And neither have I wings to fly. Give me a boat that can carry two. And both shall row. My love and I."

Cliff has figured out now that we will be moving to the "old folks home" that I'll be forced to have tea and cake for people when he dies. Before he'd figured no one would come, certainly his brother and sister aren't flying from TX to CA on his passing, though I bet his lifelong friend would. With any "luck" we'll be able to see what the customs are at the OFH for a few years before one of us dies. When we visited Carlsbad again last week the marketing lady told us they'd had a couple move out after a few years because the wife, in her 80s, couldn't stand having people die around her all the time.
 

DaveNV

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When we visited Carlsbad again last week the marketing lady told us they'd had a couple move out after a few years because the wife, in her 80s, couldn't stand having people die around her all the time.

I can relate. An older woman friend of ours had retired, and later moved to a "senior living facility." She stayed there two years and moved out, because she said she couldn't stand being around all those old people. Most were younger than she was. She said all they did was complain about aches and pains, and bitch about the other residents. She's in her mid-80s now, and is as vibrant and active now as she was twenty years ago. She's one of those people who will just stop living at some point, and everyone will be surprised. Go, Bette Rae! :thumbup:

Dave
 

clifffaith

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I can relate. An older woman friend of ours had retired, and later moved to a "senior living facility." She stayed there two years and moved out, because she said she couldn't stand being around all those old people. Most were younger than she was. She said all they did was complain about aches and pains, and bitch about the other residents. She's in her mid-80s now, and is as vibrant and active now as she was twenty years ago. She's one of those people who will just stop living at some point, and everyone will be surprised. Go, Bette Rae! :thumbup:

Dave

When we were in Carlsbad last week I was glad to hear they had another 63 year old (and sad to hear they'd lost two of their centurians). I know I'll be 20 years younger than most, and many of those will run rings around me. A passel of golfers was coming back from their game and I'm sure every one of them was over 80, fit and trim and would dust me easily. I have never ever been interested in sports and am not about to start. I'm hoping to get up the nerve to (gaack!) go buy a bathing suit so I can do water exercises and chair aerobics with the more physically challenged. I did good last week, lots of walking and only using my cane to lean on when standing in line. This week, in addition to coming home with a cold (a man sneezed on me from 2 feet away and even though he did a vampire cover by sneezing into his arm, I just knew I was doomed), my leg is complaining bitterly from being overworked on vacation.
 

Panina

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Update: I wanted to post back in this thread and say my brother Bob passed away quietly in his sleep this past Tuesday morning. Despite all odds, he survived 10 weeks after receiving his completely unexpected diagnosis of metastatic stage 4 pancreatic cancer in August. He was never in great pain, but he did suffer with the symptoms of his illness, and the ravages of what the cancer did to him. The mercy of it all is that the suffering has ended, and he is at rest. I'll miss you, big brother.

Dave
So sorry for your loss Dave. May your brother Bob Rest In Peace.
 
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