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Children of seniors - how to know when things need to change

WinniWoman

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At least he knows he is negative. My mom doesn’t believe she is negative, she says she is just telling it how it is.


I hate to say it but she sounds a little like me. LOL!
 

WinniWoman

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I just sent my dad off into the world - driving home to my brother's place. We actually had a good morning (rare - we are a bit like oil and water). My uncle in Hawaii talked to him about his negativity and my dad shared that with me. He's very close to his brother so he took the critique to heart. So the fact that he was trying to be less negative was good. His negativity pushes people away at a time when he really needs companionship.

I was also able to help him with his phone. He's had it for a couple of months and was quite frustrated with it. I thought that my brother would help him to figure things out since he owns the same phone (Galaxy S9) but for whatever reason it hadn't happened. We spent about 30 minutes getting it set up, figuring out how to do things like find his downloads folder :) and I was able to see how he was able to process this information. He did quite well and I really don't think that we are dealing with dementia just yet. His short term memory is definitely suffering but I would think that is normal aging.

I talked to him about driving - suggesting that he needs to be honest with himself and not put others at risk. Of course he was resistant. That will take more time. I at least convinced him to eat his Egg McMuffin in the parking lot instead of eating and driving. He tells me that I worry too much, lol.

@SmithOp I completely agree about my brother feeling burned out. They are very close so he is the natural choice, but living with my dad is extremely challenging because of the constant negativity. We picked him up from the airport last night and we heard about how terrible Hawaii has gotten. It's just so sad that he spent 10 days at "home" and couldn't find a thing to enjoy. Too many tourists, too many foreigners, too many cars yadda, yadda, yadda. I try go give my brother and SIL a break and have him down for a weekend once a month, and they are the family members to whom I gave Seapointe trip.

After seeing him get engaged with setting up his phone I can see that he still enjoys learning. I am going to see who offers classes in his area. I'm going to check senior centers or the public library. It would get him out of the house and around other people, while learning something interesting. It will be a start.

I am so appreciative of everyone's contributions to this thread. It is so helpful to hear that others have or are going through the same experience, and what strategies you have used. Many thanks for sharing.


It seems that you have made great progress. It's going to be ok.
 

bogey21

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I think the answer is a resounding "Yes". I live in a CCRC where maybe 20% of the Residents are either in Assisted Living or have 24 hour live in help. Those with live in help are the one with lots of money. Do the math for the live in help. It is $18 per hour x 24 hours in a day times 30 days in a month. For those a little slow on the math that is about $13,000 + their apartment rent per month. But the bottom line is all these people whether in Assisted Living or with 24 hour care are living out their waning days with care and relative dignity...

George

The above is for someone who has live in help in their own Apartment. For those who might be interested I checked the rate at my CCRC for those giving up their Apartment and moving into a Room on the Assisted Living floor. If one has a Resident Contract, it is $5,640 per month (private with shower). If there is space available, Non-Residents can get the same for $9,720 per month...

George
 

rapmarks

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My son just posted a picture from seven years ago. My grandson was six months old and met my mother for the first and only time. He flew in for his sister in laws wedding and spent the day at the rehab facility where my mother was. It makes me so sad that my mother only saw one of her great grandsons when she was well, she saw two briefly as babies when she was really sick, and never knew about the last one.
 

moonstone

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Dementia affects everybody differently. People can have the exact same type of dementia and have been diagnosed at the same time (so at the same stage) but each can have different symptoms. The parts of the cortex in the brain where the plaque forms or is thickest determines what function will start to deteriorate first. Some people get lost more often in earlier stages but can draw the clock or count backwards from 100 while others may have the reverse. Physical symptoms (incontinence, walking) can also begin earlier in some people then others. My mom started having trouble walking earlier than normal at her stage because the part of the brain that would tell her that she was stepping from carpet to tile floor was no longer working and she thought it was a step up or down. She was also having trouble aiming the spoon/fork to her mouth and end up with her food in her ear or hair. I took her to an ophthalmologist when that started happening and as far as he could tell it wasn't a problem with her eyesight.

When I was working in a long term care facility and family members would ask why their loved one could do something right one day, not the next, then alright the next day. I would say it is like having an electrical short circuit in a lamp cord, one day the wires are sitting right and the light bulb will go on, the next day they might not and the bulb wont come on, but then the day after it will work again and so on until the wires are so burnt out the current no longer goes through them.

I would urge anybody with a family member showing signs of dementia to contact their local Alzheimer's Association or Society. They are in the USA and Canada and have a wealth of information as well as contacts for more information and help.

~Diane
 

Glynda

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Dementia affects everybody differently. People can have the exact same type of dementia and have been diagnosed at the same time (so at the same stage) but each can have different symptoms. The parts of the cortex in the brain where the plaque forms or is thickest determines what function will start to deteriorate first. Some people get lost more often in earlier stages but can draw the clock or count backwards from 100 while others may have the reverse. Physical symptoms (incontinence, walking) can also begin earlier in some people then others. My mom started having trouble walking earlier than normal at her stage because the part of the brain that would tell her that she was stepping from carpet to tile floor was no longer working and she thought it was a step up or down. She was also having trouble aiming the spoon/fork to her mouth and end up with her food in her ear or hair. I took her to an ophthalmologist when that started happening and as far as he could tell it wasn't a problem with her eyesight.

When I was working in a long term care facility and family members would ask why their loved one could do something right one day, not the next, then alright the next day. I would say it is like having an electrical short circuit in a lamp cord, one day the wires are sitting right and the light bulb will go on, the next day they might not and the bulb wont come on, but then the day after it will work again and so on until the wires are so burnt out the current no longer goes through them.

I would urge anybody with a family member showing signs of dementia to contact their local Alzheimer's Association or Society. They are in the USA and Canada and have a wealth of information as well as contacts for more information and help.

~Diane

Thank you for your explanation. I particularly like the lamp/ light bulb analogy. Not sure I could count backwards from 100 by 7's now, especially under scrutiny. I'd need pencil and paper. :eek::eek:
 

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Reading through this thread reminds me of my 98 year old mother. Two years ago she was driving, attending social meetings, book clubs, etc. but after several falls she now needs a walker and full time care which is expensive in Northern Virginia. She still won't consider moving into an assisted living facility but eventually it will have to happen. At age 95 we had to convince her to wear a life alert pendant, she insisted that's for "old people" not her! At the time her sister was 102 so I guess 95 didn't seem very old to her.
 

BJRSanDiego

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...The parts of the cortex in the brain where the plaque forms or is thickest determines what function will start to deteriorate first.... My mom started having trouble walking earlier than normal at her stage because the part of the brain that would tell her that she was stepping from carpet to tile floor was no longer working and she thought it was a step up or down. ....

It is interesting that you mention difficulty walking. My FIL (91 yo) is having trouble walking. He is in a skilled nursing home. Initially he complained about lack of strength in his legs and lack of energy. But he has also commented that his legs just don't work the way that they used to and that he is having trouble controlling them.

Thanks for your comments. It helps to understand a bit better what might be going on.
 

clifffaith

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Reading through this thread reminds me of my 98 year old mother. Two years ago she was driving, attending social meetings, book clubs, etc. but after several falls she now needs a walker and full time care which is expensive in Northern Virginia. She still won't consider moving into an assisted living facility but eventually it will have to happen. At age 95 we had to convince her to wear a life alert pendant, she insisted that's for "old people" not her! At the time her sister was 102 so I guess 95 didn't seem very old to her.

I am just starting to investigate life alert options for my parents, and in fact posted on our local Nextdoor asking what people like or don't like (have two votes for "Phillips" so far). Already had the conversation with Mom that when Dad dies she needs one. Well Dad decided he's not dead yet, and he was home alone for 9 hours the other evening while my sister was with my mom in the emergency room. Time to get a button system for both of them.
 

clifffaith

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It is interesting that you mention difficulty walking. My FIL (91 yo) is having trouble walking. He is in a skilled nursing home. Initially he complained about lack of strength in his legs and lack of energy. But he has also commented that his legs just don't work the way that they used to and that he is having trouble controlling them.

Thanks for your comments. It helps to understand a bit better what might be going on.

A family friend died from Alzheimer's last Thanksgiving. Her children described to us instances where she'd pitch face first to the ground in the middle of say moving from the kitchen after a meal to the living room. The brain to leg connection would short circuit, then she'd be fine for several days. It was the walking issues, more than the cognitive issues that resulted in being placed in a nursing home.
 

amycurl

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My 73 year old spritely and healthy mother told me on our Spring Break trip to HHI this year that she never "wants to be a burden." And I told her I NEVER wanted to hear her say that to me again because when care is done out of love, it is NOT a burden. I will take care of her in my house, in a CCRC (she's on a list for a place here, in my town,) or in the not-quite CCRC community in Maine (on the island she loves,) in her own condo (which she made sure to make aging-friendly when she rehabbed it about 12 years ago,) wherever she wants. She worries that Maine would be too far away, and I told her that I have a self-employed spouse and a flexible job that can be done remotely, if needed.

Her mother lived to 97, and only exhibited relatively minor dementia in the last five years or so of her life. I figure my mother--who is actually much healthier in many ways--has at least another 20 years of relative normalcy left in her. ;)
But I also already have POA for anything (I've had it for at least a decade now.) As she says, if I ever get REALLY mad at her, I can put her in a home anytime and any place I want. ;) Not having siblings will probably make this easier for both of us. (And I have a solid spouse who can be my support and backup, and whom she also loves and trusts.)
 

VacationForever

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I am late to the thread and just read this today and I am sorry that you are facing this. It is never easy to go through decline of a parent. We spent 10 years in the senior care industry and the symptoms are consistent with dementia. Getting old does not equal short term memory loss. His doctor needs to know about the symptoms, i.e. incontinence, resistance to shower and some amount of short term memory loss, and refer him to a neurologist. A neurologist will be the one who can confirm whether it is dementia and if so, which type.
 

Passepartout

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My DW was in her usual spot on the couch last night, and said to me, "I gotta quit doing that." I said, "What?" and she replied , "Looking at stuff like 'The signs of impending dementia'. I nailed the first 6." So I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise. Her mother passed with- not of- some un-named age related dementia. I have noticed some signs that she isn't as sharp on short-term stuff and motor skills. It's hard to really nail down because she's developed some coping skills.

Jim
 

Patri

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Wow, just wow, to everyone. So many situations. So much heartache. My siblings and I went through some of this with dad, are in the middle of it with mom, and have two husbands with health issues now, along with all the other things that go with life. TUG is such a great support, and thank you to all who are offering advice and compassion.
Many times in recent years I have thought, "I just want to run away." But, like you, I get up each day and get through that day.
Stay strong, you on whom the burden has fallen. You know how important you are. Do that one task, and move on to the next one. The rewards are there - internal, external, or in the future.
The TUG community will continue to be your stress reliever!
 

Glynda

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My 73 year old spritely and healthy mother told me on our Spring Break trip to HHI this year that she never "wants to be a burden." And I told her I NEVER wanted to hear her say that to me again because when care is done out of love, it is NOT a burden. I will take care of her in my house, in a CCRC (she's on a list for a place here, in my town,) or in the not-quite CCRC community in Maine (on the island she loves,) in her own condo (which she made sure to make aging-friendly when she rehabbed it about 12 years ago,) wherever she wants. She worries that Maine would be too far away, and I told her that I have a self-employed spouse and a flexible job that can be done remotely, if needed.

Her mother lived to 97, and only exhibited relatively minor dementia in the last five years or so of her life. I figure my mother--who is actually much healthier in many ways--has at least another 20 years of relative normalcy left in her. ;)
But I also already have POA for anything (I've had it for at least a decade now.) As she says, if I ever get REALLY mad at her, I can put her in a home anytime and any place I want. ;) Not having siblings will probably make this easier for both of us. (And I have a solid spouse who can be my support and backup, and whom she also loves and trusts.)

My mother is not a burden. She has done far more for me over my lifetime than I could ever do for her in return. She still does. I love her dearly and can't imagine life without her. However, I do have to admit that I can't help but think of the hopes and dreams my husband and I had for our retirement years. Retirement which began seven years ago. At the same time my mother came to live with us. We had dreamed of traveling to Europe for at least three months at a time, perhaps longer. That has not been possible with my mother living with us. Yes, we get away a few times a year, with and without my mother. But only for a week or two. In the meantime, our health won't be getting better. I do feel the loss of that dream. So no, burden or not, I wouldn't want to take my daughter's dreams in her later years away from her.
 

klpca

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I am late to the thread and just read this today and I am sorry that you are facing this. It is never easy to go through decline of a parent. We spent 10 years in the senior care industry and the symptoms are consistent with dementia. Getting old does not equal short term memory loss. His doctor needs to know about the symptoms, i.e. incontinence, resistance to shower and some amount of short term memory loss, and refer him to a neurologist. A neurologist will be the one who can confirm whether it is dementia and if so, which type.

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

I had an interesting email from my uncle in Hawaii. He is extremely concerned about my dad. I am a true cup-half-full person and I always look for the sunny side, so I realize that I may be letting my dad off too easy. Man, this is going to be difficult. I started looking for places that he may be able to afford when he ultimately needs to move. He does have a long term care policy, so hopefully if he starts out in an independent living situation and needs to transition into something with more care, his policy could make up the difference. My poor dad - his life has taken a sudden downward turn in the past 9 months.

My brother thinks that he is fine too (we are clearly cut from the same cloth :) ) so he will take some convincing. And since Dad lives with him it will be an interesting conversation.

One more random question about something that others have mentioned - the walking issues - does this include shuffling? Because my dad kind of hunches over and literally shuffles his feet as he walks. They hardly leave the ground and I am very concerned that this will cause a fall. I just don't know if this is just a getting old and never exercising thing, or if it's related to dementia.

Is there some kind of users manual for dealing with aging parents? :p Because I think that I need one!
 

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One more random question about something that others have mentioned - the walking issues - does this include shuffling? Because my dad kind of hunches over and literally shuffles his feet as he walks. They hardly leave the ground and I am very concerned that this will cause a fall. I just don't know if this is just a getting old and never exercising thing, or if it's related to dementia.

As many of you know I live in a CCRC. There are a lot of people here who hunch over and shuffle when they walk. Most of them are mentally alert so I think it is just physical ageing and is not related to dementia. Note that almost every one of them walks with a walker...

George
 
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MULTIZ321

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Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

I had an interesting email from my uncle in Hawaii. He is extremely concerned about my dad. I am a true cup-half-full person and I always look for the sunny side, so I realize that I may be letting my dad off too easy. Man, this is going to be difficult. I started looking for places that he may be able to afford when he ultimately needs to move. He does have a long term care policy, so hopefully if he starts out in an independent living situation and needs to transition into something with more care, his policy could make up the difference. My poor dad - his life has taken a sudden downward turn in the past 9 months.

My brother thinks that he is fine too (we are clearly cut from the same cloth :) ) so he will take some convincing. And since Dad lives with him it will be an interesting conversation.

One more random question about something that others have mentioned - the walking issues - does this include shuffling? Because my dad kind of hunches over and literally shuffles his feet as he walks. They hardly leave the ground and I am very concerned that this will cause a fall. I just don't know if this is just a getting old and never exercising thing, or if it's related to dementia.

Is there some kind of users manual for dealing with aging parents? :p Because I think that I need one!
Does your Dad have bilateral Foot Peripheral Neuropathy? If so, this could cause him to shuffle.


Richard
 

Patri

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Yes, we get away a few times a year, with and without my mother. But only for a week or two. In the meantime, our health won't be getting better. I do feel the loss of that dream. So no, burden or not, I wouldn't want to take my daughter's dreams in her later years away from her.
Have you looked into respite care at an assisted living facility? Your mom could stay in one for a week or more and you do some traveling. Hopefully she could view it as a mini-vacation for herself as well - trying out a new environment and meeting new people. She could enjoy the activities, programs and food.
 

Glynda

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Have you looked into respite care at an assisted living facility? Your mom could stay in one for a week or more and you do some traveling. Hopefully she could view it as a mini-vacation for herself as well - trying out a new environment and meeting new people. She could enjoy the activities, programs and food.

She was in one twice for rehab after she fell and broke her hip and later her elbow. The biggest problem is that she is very tight with money, and in denial, saying that we should hire some random teenager who needs a little money to come stay with her only at night when she is afraid to be alone. Not happening. It really isn’t about a week or two. We are able to take her to a friend’s in FL for two weeks at most. Though I’m not sure how much longer she can do that.
 
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