Children of seniors - how to know when things need to change

[Cornell]

I like what you wrote about strong sibling relationships. Apparently my folks failed on that count. Any hints about how they accompanied this?

That's a great question -- not really sure. My parents are / were (my father is deceased) really good people , with strong moral compasses, that just led by example. Respect was really a foundational goal in my family. My parents really respected each other and respected us children. Even though my siblings and I are not necessarily super close (we all have our own lives) we get together periodically, enjoy each other's company, and can appreciate our differences.

 

[clifffaith]

All right, now you've all got me started.

Cliff at 81 is starting to show signs of mental impairment. We'll go for weeks with me not having to add an incident to "The List" I keep in my mind, then we'll have a spate of problems. Hygiene issues that he gets royally irritated with me about when I point them out and temper tantrums that involve throwing things. Also weird statements that lead to him getting all mad and pout when I try to correct them (for instance early boarding on an airplane because we randomly got TSA precheck on our tickets. No, TSA precheck got us in a special security line, we are boarding in a higher group because we bought economy comfort (or whatever Delta calls it). Could not disabuse him of the idea so I just let him be.

Dad at age 86 has decided he's not ready to die so hospice is wrapping up their 9 month stint until they need to be called in again. He is still not back, nor likely will ever be, to the way he was before he got sick at the end of December. He was already unsteady on his feet, and now he is doubly so, but at least he's upright with either a walker or a cane. He was on the phone four times in two hours Friday night raging about my sister. Mom was sick in bed and wasn't available to hear his rants and get him to simmer down. Rant included wanting me to kick in $50K to get my sister out of his house (I'd mentioned in passing that when only one of them is left they should come live with me, and because I know Hope doesn't want to live with us, give her $100K from the proceeds of their house as an early inheritance to get herself set up somewhere). He'd be kicking in the other $50K. Um, no that's not happening. But he could kick in $5-8K to get our little guest house set up with a kitchen sink/disposal/counters/cupboards (plumbing already in the wall) and she could live with us mostly rent free. No he is not about to put money into my house. Goes away for 30 minutes then is back on the phone saying he has made a "forced" decision to pay $1K a month to subsidize an apartment for her (assuming Hope can add that to her $1.5K monthly "disability" dole and find affordable lodging). By noon on Saturday all the trauma was gone with Mom saying the best place for Hope was with them.

I've mentioned that Mom had got a fungus in her eyes while gardening two years ago. Cornea transplant did not give her back complete vision in that eye, and the other eye has a cataract. She went from being a fairly healthy, fairly spry 82 year old to now at age 84 two years older in the joints and some side effects from eye medications have taken a toll on her mobility, and she can't see worth a damn. She really has a hard time moving around and reads things by putting the paper up to her nose.

So that leaves my parents housebound because neither can drive. Why should that be an issue since my 61 year old sister lives with them rent free? Because Hope doesn't put herself out for anyone. Any form of housekeeping is too "labor intensive". She continues to take pet sitting jobs an hour away for 5 days at a time. She resents having to drive my mother anywhere (Dad has been housebound for seven months and had just given up his drivers license before he got sick), but will do it as long as she can dump her and go back and get her. The fact that they gave her their car, give her free room and board, and that Mom feeds her and does her laundry doesn't seem to matter. When Dad was melting down Friday night Hope was away pet sitting. When I say to my mother that Hope should not be "allowed" to be away from home when she is their only mode of transportation, the reply is "she needs a life of her own". Only because Dad is well enough to sit up at the computer, which Mom knows nothing about using, are they able to muddle through a Vons grocery order online.

When we get to the top of the Carlsbad CCRC wait list, we'll tell them to just set us aside for awhile as we deal with the Mom/Dad/Sister situation. We can't move 2+ hours away and leave a surviving parent at Hope's mercy. And God forbid we mention assisted living to them, or the survivor coming to live with us here or moving to Carlsbad with us. They want to live in their home until death do they depart.

 

[bogey21]

Wow!!!

George

 

[WinniWoman]

Just remember what you are going through so you won't put your kids through it. My Brother and I had problems like you describe with our Dad. I swore I would never put my kids through it so when I hit 65 I moved into a CCRC (19 years later I am still here and am now 84). I have also told my kids I will stop driving in April 2022 which is when my DL expires. If I sense I need to do it sooner, I will give my car to charity and start using Uber or Lyft. There is no way my kids will suffer from my senility, stupidity or whatever you want to call it...

George

You are a smart cookie, George! With our move I keep saying- at least after this Alex (our son) will not have so much to do in regards to the house and we will be closer to him which will make it easier on him - though I do plan to at some point in my 80's or whenever necessary go into something like you are in or at least assisted living. I worked in home health care and went through it with my parents so I know exactly what we will face.

 

[rapmarks]

Sorry faith, but I went through forty years of my father’s heart attacks, bypass surgery, strokes, about thirty years of that. 25 years of my parents not being able to drive. two aunts aging and dying , one with alzheimers, and a mother in law with Alzheimer’s. Basically from 1975 until 2015. Only my two aunts went willingly to independent living, then assisted living, and finally reminiscence wing. You are just going to have to help until something happens, and you will sure miss them after it does. By the time my last aunt passed away, my husband was in early stages of dementia.

 

[klpca]

Good luck. Hopefully if there is more than one sibling all are tuned in and supportive. When Patti and I noticed the start of my Mom's decline we tried to get her to look at Assisted Living. No way was her answer. She convinced my brothers we were trying to have her committed. Mom lived in Corvallis Oregon. We live in Salem Oregon. My brothers were in the Bay Area, Colorado, and Denmark. They saw Mom once a year, maybe. Then Mom almost set her kitchen on fire with a pot of oil she set on High and forgot about. We got more serious about Assisted Living. No help from brothers. A year goes by and Mom has a stroke, loses sight in one eye, etc. Still no help or assitance. Not even moral support. So in 3 months Mom has 3 strokes and ends up with Multi-infarct Dementia. I have always wondered if we had had more support 2-3 years earlier with Mom in Assisted Living with somebody monitoring her Med's would the results have been different. Let's just say my relationships with my Brothers have never been the same.

Interesting that you say this because this is definitely a complication. Dad lives with my brother (I'm not sure how long that will last - he's quickly wearing out his welcome) and he's not worried about my dad. My sister thinks that he has dementia. I'm in the middle. I think that there is some decline, but not enough to warrant a rushed decision. I can't see any ability for us siblings to come to a mutual decision, not just yet. Another complication is that my dad has no money other than SSA and a small pension. So assisted living is out of the question for now. This is going to be messy.

Thank you to all who replied. I am going to reach out to the local senior services in his area and see what resources are available.

 

[WinniWoman]

For me, my mom started to act a bit more strange than her usual eccentric nature. Food was rotting in her fridge. The house was getting dirtier. Her clothes were awful. She became more forgetful. She was home alone a lot as her friends began to move away or pass away. My dad had also passed after being sick for most of his life anyway with heart problems and alcoholism.

So my brother and I decided to get her some home health and homemaking care to start, despite her objections. Gradually we had the aides drive her places with her car. We also tried the local senior bus, but she didn't like using it. Office of the Ageing was also able to send her someone to take her to doctor's appointments. At some point, we got her meals on wheels but she never ate anything. Once she fell, that was it. I arranged for her to be in assisted living.

As it was, she had terminal cancer (breast and ovarian). I think the chemo she had when first diagnosed 10 years before she went into remission (she was diagnosed first in her 60's) did a number on her brain. Then the cancer came back when she got older.

This is so tough for you. I think it is even tougher with men- especially the driving thing. They tend to be more stubborn. I can see my husband being like this as he ages. I will say prayers for you during this stressful time. All I can say is ask for help- demand help from your kids and from whatever resources you can dig up in the community. And have a frank talk with dad and express your concerns.

 

[clifffaith]

Interesting that you say this because this is definitely a complication. Dad lives with my brother (I'm not sure how long that will last - he's quickly wearing out his welcome) and he's not worried about my dad. My sister thinks that he has dementia. I'm in the middle. I think that there is some decline, but not enough to warrant a rushed decision. I can't see any ability for us siblings to come to a mutual decision, not just yet. Another complication is that my dad has no money other than SSA and a small pension. So assisted living is out of the question for now. This is going to be messy.

Thank you to all who replied. I am going to reach out to the local senior services in his area and see what resources are available.

Cliff's brother, sister and BIL told us for easily 3-4 years that his dad was declining cognitively. We couldn't hear it on the telephone or see it on annual visits for a long time, although we believed what they were saying. As it got worse it amazed them that Cliff could show up after being gone for a year and his dad would immediately know him, when by that time half the time he thought his daughter was his sister. Cliff still gets testy eyed when he remembers his dad saying to him "Did you ever think you'd see me this way?" The last two years his dad was pretty well gone, but he did understand them when they told him my MIL had died. He couldn't keep it in his mind, but several times a day he'd remember and start crying. Eventually when he asked where she was they'd just tell him she was "home" and being Baptists they could say that without feeling they were lying to him.

 

[silentg]

For me, my mom started to act a bit more strange than her usual eccentric nature. Food was rotting in her fridge. The house was getting dirtier. Her clothes were awful. She became more forgetful. She was home alone a lot as her friends began to move away or pass away. My dad had also passed after being sick for most of his life anyway with heart problems and alcoholism.

So my brother and I decided to get her some home health and homemaking care to start, despite her objections. Gradually we had the aides drive her places with her car. We also tried the local senior bus, but she didn't like using it. Office of the Ageing was also able to send her someone to take her to doctor's appointments. At some point, we got her meals on wheels but she never ate anything. Once she fell, that was it. I arranged for her to be in assisted living.

As it was, she had terminal cancer (breast and ovarian). I think the chemo she had when first diagnosed 10 years before she went into remission (she was diagnosed first in her 60's) did a number on her brain. Then the cancer came back when she got older.

This is so tough for you. I think it is even tougher with men- especially the driving thing. They tend to be more stubborn. I can see my husband being like this as he ages. I will say prayers for you during this stressful time. All I can say is ask for help- demand help from your kids and from whatever resources you can dig up in the community. And have a frank talk with dad and express your concerns.

I agree it’s difficult to get siblings to agree on care for parents. We live the furthest away, my siblings and DH siblings all live close to where parents were. We took mother in our house and noticed a sharp decline. She started resenting me and my husband, wanted to go home, so we brought her back. Siblings took turns staying with her. It took a lot of coxing on DH and I to get help for her. Then for MIL BIL took over her care and followed thru til she passed.
As of now, our parents are deceased, and siblings are on speaking terms for most part. I feel like we all did our best for our parents and have no remorse over anything.
Silentg

 

[Glynda]

My dad is 81 and in relatively good health. To me he seems just fine other than that he probably couldn't be any more critical if he tried. Nothing is ever good enough or right. Whatever. I do call him out on that.

He recently flew to Hawaii by himself for a high school reunion and to see family. I am hearing reports that it hasn't gone well. Of course old cranky dude has rubbed people the wrong way (duh) but apparently there was an incontinence issue (ugh) and a refusal to bathe afterwards (what??). He is obviously depressed - he lost his wife in October and had to move in with my brother - long story there - and has no friends. His entire social life was through his late wife. I try to have him down for a few days each month to change things up, but boy is he challenging.

For those of you who have been through this - how do you help someone like this? I am at a loss. Should he still be traveling alone? Driving? He says that he is "fine" and I am sure that he believes that but I am not so sure. Where do families start from here? Are the organizations for seniors who don't need to be in assisted living but are starting to have some decline? I'm clueless. Any information would be greatly appreciated.

It reads to me as if your father does need assisted living or some kind of in-home care. I've read ahead and I agree with the advice that first you encourage him to be tested for a UTI. Several of my relatives have gone "bonkers" when they had one. I have no real working knowledge of what your next step could be though I need to.

I've been fortunate that my mother realized that she needed to stop driving at night in her 80's. When she moved from Florida to live with us at 91, she passed the tests for a SC driver's license but gave up driving a car. Instead, she drove our street legal golf cart close by. Day time only. She still has an active license until she's over 100! But we stopped her driving last year from driving at all due to developing Parkinson's symptoms. That was hard on her and she still threatens to take the cart and go to the grocery, but she hasn't. She prepares most of our dinners, helps with laundry and has her own veggie and herb garden in the courtyard...my husband plants those for her now and she enjoyed picking and cooking them. I had to stop her from walking our dog around two blocks with her walker about 3 months ago. I have realized that she needs more bathing, dressing and kitchen prep work help as she is exhausted when she's finished. I try, but she is fiercely independent. We all realize that one more fall with a break could mean a nursing home for her. I just hope that doesn't happen and she passes easily in her sleep here with us when it's her time. I do realize that she is an exception to most her age and younger, including us.

Good luck with your dad. It doesn't sound as if it will be easy.

 

[Panina]

My dad is gone. Even though my sister lived close by she hardly visited and did not participate with his care. She only complained about what I did. I lived hundreds of miles away and was there at least 10 days every month, many times longer. Even towards the end I was there most of the day, she would come two days a week for an hour.

It was not easy dealing with my father and now it is even more difficult with my mom. Dad would listen sometimes. Mom has a mind of her own and I can’t convince her many times to do what is best for her. I offered her to move in with me, to get her a condo near me, to go with her to find an assistant living she would like, etc. Everything is no, no, no. She wants me to leave my other half and move back and live with her full time. She complains her friends children have. In reality they have not, her friends moved out of state near their children.

My sister still lives close by and does nothing. I am still traveling each month to mom to make sure everything is in order. She finally allowed some part time help twice a week and is always complaining. After two years she finally allowed me to pay her bills.

Bottom line is if a parent has some of their mind, you have to wait until they are ready in their mind for what you know is best for them. The alternative is to force them legally which is almost impossible.

 

[Teresa]

See - that's the complication right there (along with others). Each sibling has a different 'view' of what is going on with Dad. Brother doesn't see an issue (and he's living with brother). Sister says 'dementia'; and you are in the middle. So ... who's right and what should you do about it? I don't have the answer. There are eight of us 'kids' and each of us had a different 'view' (sometimes slight, other times wide) of what was going on and what needed to be done. Dad wanted to just stop taking all his medications and let things happen. Some of us said, 'okay - if that's what you want', others said 'no way'. I even talked to our Catholic priest (his answer was 'he should take his medication - it's not 'heroic measures'.'). That doesn't make any of us 'bad'. And trying to get informed by medical or psychological people didn't help either - they all had their version of what was going on and what to do. BTW, toward the end, Hospice did cut out most of his medication and they became my dad's 'heroes' - he was very happy with that point. Hospice was involved because he had Parkinson's (84 yo). It was the potassium monster pills that drove him to distraction the most.

We were fortunate, indeed, that my two oldest siblings took turns staying with Mom and Dad (and then Dad after Mom passed away). Covered 24/7 with some paid home health care and nurses. They received some monetary compensation by the day (not much at all!)and the rest of us were all given the opportunity to 'make money' like they were (ha ha ha ha) if we wished. Also, fortunately, Mom and Dad both were 'nice' about things even though Mom suffered from a pretty good dose of dementia (often funny like she would say, 'my memories just not the same as it used to be' and then repeat a 'hello, how are the kids?' when you just answered it a minute or two ago). They thanked us for helping them - a LOT.

My MIL lived to be 94 and for the last 14-15 years had lived in our house but in a separate 'apartment' with its own entrance. That was 'challenging' as she had her set of rules about how things should go. If I didn't call her 'enough' then she'd get mad (i.e. I didn't care). She accused people 'up there' (us) of scheming, trying to freeze her out (literally and figuratively - she was sure I was turning down the heat because the furnace wasn't cycling enough) and 'forgetting' about her. She got mad when we had people over and didn't invite her (even though she wanted to leave within minutes of eating if we did have her 'up'). We were either 'too loud' or not loud enough ('it's so quiet up there'). Moving into 'assisted living'? 'That's for old people.' And, 'my family should take care of me.' She'd insist on going to the doctor and then not follow his/her instructions ('he doesn't know what he's talking about'). I had offered to take her shopping on a pre-arranged day each week - that didn't work for her. She wanted to go when SHE wanted to go. And so .... it didn't happen either way (it was when I could take her when I was available - and then she'd pout about that). She thought everyone should just accommodate her in EVERYTHING she wanted without regard to their time (including working hours). She expected her grandchildren (grown) to jump whenever she called. Her 'home helper' even had the audacity to tell my 'kids' (her grandchildren) they should visit more and talk to her more. In the end, she ended up in a faith-based (Catholic) nursing facility. She did NOT like that she was there and wanted to come home. My SIL moved a lot of personal items there for her (a larger screen TV, her recliner, a bookshelf with lots of knickknacks, end table, lamp, etc.) but nothing was good enough. A fortunate turn was the financial aspect of the whole thing (this WAS BIG). They took her social security and a small pension she was receiving as full payment. I think they gave her a few bucks for spending money (hair salon visit maybe) but there was no additional money expected. She was there about a year before she passed away - from complications from a surgery to fix a problem in her throat regarding swallowing.

I can make plans that I will not do this to my children (as George has stated so beautifully) but I found a poem in my MIL's things when she passed away that said that exact same thing that she had clipped out of the paper years before. It looked like SHE didn't want to do that either. And then her brain changed with age. Things that were routine became 'a problem' without her willing to admit it. She said things that hurt people's feelings and didn't know why. She was blatantly prejudiced in public and said racist and derogatory things to waitresses, clerks, etc. She was disrespectful of everyone including family members. And then wondered why people didn't want to spend time with her.

Will I do these things as I get older (almost 63 now)? I hope not. Dementia doesn't care. If my brain degrades to the point where I'm not myself (thinking, hygiene, etc.) I'm probably not going to be 'aware' that these things are causing me to cause problems for others. I really don't PLAN on these things. They could happen without me even being aware that I've become 'different' without admitting to it. And THAT is the rub.

I have had discussions with my children about what they are 'allowed' to do with me when things get to the point where I need help (even if I don't agree that I need help). I have told them they are not to go into debt to keep me in 'nice surroundings' (i.e. pricey assisted living). If I decide to stop eating, they can do some medical checking but 'starving' isn't a bad way to go out (so I've heard and researched). The biggest thing would be the 'giving up driving'. I hope that I would handle that with grace at the right time (and what/who should determine that?). The problem with that is that now someone would have to drive me when I wanted to go. Uber and Lyft may work - but what if it's not just driving that's the problem but my decision-making skills about what to buy, what to spend, etc. don't work so well. What if I start giving money to scam charities (like so many people (including my Mom)) do/did? And what about living arrangements? Nursing home? Assisted living? In with a 'kid'? It's SOOO complicated. And all the books don't help much. We all read different books and form different opinions and even different views of 'what's going on' right now. I hope never to be a burden to my children - but I can't guarantee that. I can't tell them that I will 'just go quietly' to a nursing home or accept paid help. The only thing I can tell them is that 'I'm telling you now - you have my 'permission' to do what you need to do without a big financial hit to yourself or a disruption to your family'. I think I'll put it in writing so they can pull it out when the time comes and see what 'we' agreed to. Maybe with bullet points. Probably sign it in front of a notary to make it official.

I feel for everyone in these situations. The parents having issues. The grown 'kids' trying to 'do the right thing'. Heck - even the grandchildren who are observing all of this (and getting 'trained' for dealing with their parents when the time comes). The saddest part of this is that the grandchildren may never know the grandparents as they were - but as old, feeble, people who don't know what's going on or are treating other people poorly.

Interesting that you say this because this is definitely a complication. Dad lives with my brother (I'm not sure how long that will last - he's quickly wearing out his welcome) and he's not worried about my dad. My sister thinks that he has dementia. I'm in the middle. I think that there is some decline, but not enough to warrant a rushed decision. I can't see any ability for us siblings to come to a mutual decision, not just yet. Another complication is that my dad has no money other than SSA and a small pension. So assisted living is out of the question for now. This is going to be messy.

Thank you to all who replied. I am going to reach out to the local senior services in his area and see what resources are available.

 

[Snazzylass]

Thank you for sharing! I'm not quite there yet with my parents. Yet, I've heard enough of friends stories to know yours sounds so similar.

When my boys were little, we lived next door to a dear little lady and we loved her to pieces. She was elderly and alone and it sure opened my eyes to commitments families make. A family member stopped by every day. Often it was her son or daughter-in-law or a granddaughter. Over time, her son passed. I knew one of her granddaughters and she wasn't as fond of my neighbor as I was. She found her grandmother to be extremely critical, while I found her delightful. I'm sorry to say that sometimes we are more critical with our loved ones.

On the other hand, as a realtor, I got a call one day from a man whose wife had just passed. He could not stay in that house one more day. His plan was to head to MS even though he hated the weather there, and move in with a son who he did not get along with. I had to contact him long after left. He had left MS and moved to IL to be with an ex-wife.

 

[clifffaith]

So tonight my father got a lesson as to why it is good to have Hope living with them. Thursday Cliff took Mom to the dermatologist while I stayed home with Dad. She had a skin cancer on her leg "burned" off. They were in and out in an hour. When she did not feel well Friday, and was achy, she went to bed about two PM she thought she'd caught a bug. Slight temperature and a bit of diarrhea. I talked to her yesterday morning for an hour and she sounded great. Hope arrived from pet sitting about 6pm, and by 7pm Dad was on the phone letting me know Hope says Mom's leg is infected, and between that and a temp of 100 degrees, she was taking her over to the emergency room. I'm worried because the leg with the skin cancer is also the leg that has been continuously swollen to a greater or lesser degree, for years. The hospice doctor and nurse, on separate days, told her she needed to have the leg looked at and she has an appt with her doctor on Tuesday.

 

[presley]

For those of you who have been through this - how do you help someone like this? I am at a loss. Should he still be traveling alone? Driving?

It's really hard, especially when they have other adult children living in their homes. In my case, I had 2 brothers living rent free with my mom when she was declining/dying. They had high levels of denial about her state and what they could do to contribute to help her out. I actually went there and cleaned the house a couple times because it was so gross and I am not a neat person.

Since it sounds like your brother is living there, I recommend, based on past experience, just let them live their unhappy lives. They are making choices and there are consequences to all choices that people make. You may not like it, but you don't have to absorb it and take it on as your problem.

As far as the cantankerous stuff goes, what worked for me towards the end of my mom's life was to not think of her as my mom, but to think of her as some old lady who needed support and care. It made it much less stressful to deal with all of the issues that come up around these thing. If I felt like I was just a volunteer, helping some sick old lady, I could do whatever I was able to do to help out and not look to it as a burden. I wish I figured that out years before I finally came to that conclusion.

Driving... I didn't think she should be driving for the last few years. At one point, she was forced to go take a DMV driving test by her doctor and since she worked for the DMV for several decades, she knew exactly how to ace the test. She never lost her license.

 

[rapmarks]

So many mention signs of what they worry are dementia.
I can tell you signs fluctuate, a oerson can do something and be unable to do it a little later.
One of the tests is to draw a clock and put the time for 11:10, or 10:15. Sometimes my husband places the numbers inside the circle and sometimes outside the circle.
Remembering three words about one minute later, which is one of hardest activities
Count back from 100 by 7’s
Saying three numbers and asking to repeat backwards.
My husband came out in the .05 percentile in short term memory, but he still leads a nature hike, has conversations with others, has good grooming, and dresses appropriately, plays golf, plays on a Bocce team, always finds his way home in our subdivisions, rides a bike, and many other activities.

 

[SmithOp]

In addition to concern for your father, your brother may need respite since he will be the de facto caregiver now.

My father went through a similar period before passing, had a stroke and had to give up driving and moved in with me. It was very stressful, we became caregivers, and social life outlet.

Frankly we were relieved when he went into managed care facility.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

 

[klpca]

I just sent my dad off into the world - driving home to my brother's place. We actually had a good morning (rare - we are a bit like oil and water). My uncle in Hawaii talked to him about his negativity and my dad shared that with me. He's very close to his brother so he took the critique to heart. So the fact that he was trying to be less negative was good. His negativity pushes people away at a time when he really needs companionship.

I was also able to help him with his phone. He's had it for a couple of months and was quite frustrated with it. I thought that my brother would help him to figure things out since he owns the same phone (Galaxy S9) but for whatever reason it hadn't happened. We spent about 30 minutes getting it set up, figuring out how to do things like find his downloads folder and I was able to see how he was able to process this information. He did quite well and I really don't think that we are dealing with dementia just yet. His short term memory is definitely suffering but I would think that is normal aging.

I talked to him about driving - suggesting that he needs to be honest with himself and not put others at risk. Of course he was resistant. That will take more time. I at least convinced him to eat his Egg McMuffin in the parking lot instead of eating and driving. He tells me that I worry too much, lol.

@SmithOp I completely agree about my brother feeling burned out. They are very close so he is the natural choice, but living with my dad is extremely challenging because of the constant negativity. We picked him up from the airport last night and we heard about how terrible Hawaii has gotten. It's just so sad that he spent 10 days at "home" and couldn't find a thing to enjoy. Too many tourists, too many foreigners, too many cars yadda, yadda, yadda. I try go give my brother and SIL a break and have him down for a weekend once a month, and they are the family members to whom I gave Seapointe trip.

After seeing him get engaged with setting up his phone I can see that he still enjoys learning. I am going to see who offers classes in his area. I'm going to check senior centers or the public library. It would get him out of the house and around other people, while learning something interesting. It will be a start.

I am so appreciative of everyone's contributions to this thread. It is so helpful to hear that others have or are going through the same experience, and what strategies you have used. Many thanks for sharing.

 

[Panina]

I just sent my dad off into the world - driving home to my brother's place. We actually had a good morning (rare - we are a bit like oil and water). My uncle in Hawaii talked to him about his negativity and my dad shared that with me. He's very close to his brother so he took the critique to heart. So the fact that he was trying to be less negative was good. His negativity pushes people away at a time when he really needs companionship.

I was also able to help him with his phone. He's had it for a couple of months and was quite frustrated with it. I thought that my brother would help him to figure things out since he owns the same phone (Galaxy S9) but for whatever reason it hadn't happened. We spent about 30 minutes getting it set up, figuring out how to do things like find his downloads folder and I was able to see how he was able to process this information. He did quite well and I really don't think that we are dealing with dementia just yet. His short term memory is definitely suffering but I would think that is normal aging.

I talked to him about driving - suggesting that he needs to be honest with himself and not put others at risk. Of course he was resistant. That will take more time. I at least convinced him to eat his Egg McMuffin in the parking lot instead of eating and driving. He tells me that I worry too much, lol.

@SmithOp I completely agree about my brother feeling burned out. They are very close so he is the natural choice, but living with my dad is extremely challenging because of the constant negativity. We picked him up from the airport last night and we heard about how terrible Hawaii has gotten. It's just so sad that he spent 10 days at "home" and couldn't find a thing to enjoy. Too many tourists, too many foreigners, too many cars yadda, yadda, yadda. I try go give my brother and SIL a break and have him down for a weekend once a month, and they are the family members to whom I gave Seapointe trip.

After seeing him get engaged with setting up his phone I can see that he still enjoys learning. I am going to see who offers classes in his area. I'm going to check senior centers or the public library. It would get him out of the house and around other people, while learning something interesting. It will be a start.

I am so appreciative of everyone's contributions to this thread. It is so helpful to hear that others have or are going through the same experience, and what strategies you have used. Many thanks for sharing.

The worse thing to me is hearing constant negativity when things are good. Other family members will say just ignore it which I do most of the time but it eventually creeps in and affects you and burns you out. Everything else is easier to deal with even though nothing is easy. I was blessed my dad was appreciative and never complained about anything except my moms attitude until he passed. Every interaction with mom turns negative.

 

[clifffaith]

Cliff did fine on the draw a clock and count backwards by 7. He did just ok on naming as many animals as he could. Could not remember the five words they gave him to remember a few minutes later when asked to repeat them.

Mom was the oldest of four girls (3 are left). One of the younger sisters (not yet 80 but approaching it fast) is driving my cousins to distraction. She does not think she has a problem and apparently my uncle is in denial. She could not handle the clock drawing at all and got belligerent and she got up and left proclaiming nothing was wrong with her. The cousin I am most in contact with says her mother is telling stories about events that never happened. When they correct her she gets upset.

Reminds me that I was in my 20s when I first heard my sister tell the story of "the ice cream and the gun". She claims when we were kids, she was 8 and I was 10, we were standing at the Thrifty Drug ice cream counter waiting for someone to come scoop ice cream with their cylindrical ice cream scoops. A man came up to the counter and brandished a gun saying he wanted ice cream NOW. I do not think that ever happened, but have to think there is just a slight possibility it did because I would have been totally fixated on the tubs of ice cream in the big freezer!

The phone rang as I was just about to post my comments. Third time the same number has called since 8am, but no caller ID. I answered, counted to four and was just about to hang up on what I figured was a robo call when a female voice of the off shore persuasion identified herself as something medical asking for Cliff by name. He told her he didn't have time to talk because he was headed out the door to a doctor appt. When I questioned him, he said he'd signed up for an Alzheimer's study. Through your doctor? I don't remember? Online? I don't remember. You realize that a "study" could be the perfect access point for scammers who are easily able to know how old you are simply by googling your name? Oh, you're right. I don't know what the heck he's gotten involved with at this point.

 

[rapmarks]

Faith, my husband didn't do well on naming animals and he spent 35 years as a biology teacher and has over one hundred graduate credits in science

 

[klpca]

The worse thing to me is hearing constant negativity when things are good. Other family members will say just ignore it which I do most of the time but it eventually creeps in and affects you and burns you out. Everything else is easier to deal with even though nothing is easy. I was blessed my dad was appreciative and never complained about anything except my moms attitude until he passed. Every interaction with mom turns negative.

The negativity is the worst thing as far as I am concerned. Eventually you just brace yourself for the next tirade and there is no ability to enjoy the other's company. If he lived with me all hell would break loose because at some point I would snap and say something that I would later regret. Last time he was down for the weekend, after two days of nonstop negativity, I asked him why he critiqued everyone and everything. His response: "I do it because I am good at it!!" OMG, there's no hope if you think that it is a positive trait!

 

[rapmarks]

The negativity is the worst thing as far as I am concerned. Eventually you just brace yourself for the next tirade and there is no ability to enjoy the other's company. If he lived with me all hell would break loose because at some point I would snap and say something that I would later regret. Last time he was down for the weekend, after two days of nonstop negativity, I asked him why he critiqued everyone and everything. His response: "I do it because I am good at it!!" OMG, there's no hope if you think that it is a positive trait!

My mother in law married a very negative man the second time around. It caused such family problems. They are very hard to be around

 

[Panina]

The negativity is the worst thing as far as I am concerned. Eventually you just brace yourself for the next tirade and there is no ability to enjoy the other's company. If he lived with me all hell would break loose because at some point I would snap and say something that I would later regret. Last time he was down for the weekend, after two days of nonstop negativity, I asked him why he critiqued everyone and everything. His response: "I do it because I am good at it!!" OMG, there's no hope if you think that it is a positive trait!

At least he knows he is negative. My mom doesn’t believe she is negative, she says she is just telling it how it is.

 

[clifffaith]

I like Dennis Prager's sentiment that having a bad attitude is like having BO or bad breath. You wouldn't subject other people to those, so you shouldn't expose them to your bad attitude either. Unfortunately that is very hard to follow sometimes!