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What Can You Do When A Stubborn Aging Parent Refuses To Give Up Control?

moonstone

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Great article! I have almost the opposite problem with my dad. My mom always did everything from looking after the money (bills, investments...) to all the housework, painting/decorating, buying furniture as needed, arranging for repairs... Mom developed vascular dementia and had to be admitted to a long term care home after an emergency hospital admission in 2013 and dad thought I (being the eldest & living the closest) would just take over everything! I had to have a serious talk with him when the decision was made that mom wouldn't be returning home. I told dad if he wanted to remain in their house it was with my (& my siblings) full support but he would have to be able to cope on his own with some help from us. I told him he would have to make or arrange for most of his meals and do or hire somebody for the housework/laundry because I was not going to keep up 2 houses 25 miles apart, while (at the time) working full time in a physically demanding job. I arranged for Meals on Wheels for his dinners 5 nights a week and a cleaning lady for 2 hrs a week who also strips his bed and washes the sheets and towels. He hired a guy to clear the snow and cut the grass when walking distances became difficult. I taught dad how to use the washing machine and dryer as well as the microwave and his George Foreman grill and wrote instructions out on how long and what temperature to cook his favorite dishes.

Now at 88 years of age dad is physically deteriorating but thankfully his mind is still sharp. I look after making sure all the bills are paid either electronically or automatically from his bank account. Dad is very careful with his money, always thinking of ways to save a dollar. He is very hesitant to replace things that are broken or worn out as he thinks he needs to save his money for the future! I keep telling him he has more than enough money with his & mom's pensions, their investments and the value of the house and the acres of waterfront cottage property they also own to last him for decades even if he needs to go into an extended care facility.


~Diane
 

DeniseM

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When my mother-in-law became completely incapable of managing her own life, and vehemently refused help, we got Adult Protective Services involved. They went to court and had a judge declare her incompetent, and Adult Protective Services moved her into a facility for Alzheimers patients. I know it sounds harsh, but she simply couldn't take care of herself either physically or financially, and she was oppositional and combative. Example: she pulled a knife on her nice female social worker.
 
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Excellent article. Point No. 1 in that article is the most important of all. People have to discuss this with their parents before these situations even start to develop and documents prepared to cover all eventualities. When these difficult situations arise it is already too late because then the children have to deal with the stubborn parent.
Thank goodness my parents were very open to this type of discussion and I didn't have any problems.
 

WinniWoman

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I think it is harder with men than women.

With my mom the last straw was when she fell at home while alone and then I read her the riot act and told her we were doing this- no choice. The following weekend I drove her to the assisted living place and signed her up. Moved her in right after that. The one thing that helped is we told her we were not selling her home and we did not until she passed (cancer)- which was only 3 months later.

She loved her home and it gave her some level of comfort knowing it was still in her/our possession.

Now if it were my dad- it would have been harder. I don't know what we would have done.
 

pedro47

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Good article I went thru this with my deceased Father. He wanted to drive his automobile; but every time he would keep behind the wheel. He would get loss or have a fender bender accident.

I asked his military physician for advice and help. I was told this a family issue. His only suggestion was to contact DMV to have my Father retested for his driving license. He made a 100 on the written test
and had 20/20 vision on his eye exam. His driving license was renewed. I ended up hiding his car keys. I told away his freedom. He passed away three (3) months later.
 

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I've taken care of this as best I can for myself so my kids won't have to worry about it. At age 65 (I'm now 84) I moved into a CCRC; I have on file at the CCRC all the necessary documents: my will; my Medical POA; my Financial POA; my Do Not Resuscitate Order; etc. I have determined to give up driving when my DL expires in April 2022. I drive only during daylight hours and never into a rising or setting sun...

I have no debt and only one Credit Card. I gave all my assets to my kids and ex-wife a long time ago. All that is left is my 2011 Mazda3 and three relatively small JTWROS Bank Accounts (my Son and Daughter are the ones on the accounts with me). I live comfortably off my Pension and Social Security. And guess what? I'm in great health both physically and mentally. My primary interest is my 3 race horses (understand that they are liabilities not assets) and have given written instructions to my Son detailing how to give them away when I die or become unable to manage them...

George
 

pedro47

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bogey21, Thanks, No Double Thanks, for sharing your post, and information;
but most of all thanks for planning ahead and having everything in place and in “writing” for your children.
 

bogey21

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I didn't mention this in my post but the reason I set things up the way I did is because my Brother and I went through Hell when our Father began to fail. Not only did we have a tough time getting him to agree he need to go into an Assisted Living Facility but when we searched for one we found it next to impossible to find a quality place at a reasonable price with a vacancy. Right then I decided I would never put my kids through this ordeal...

George
 

rapmarks

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My aunts were like Bogey, they moved to independent living, and then to assisted living before it was necessary. They organized every to make it easy on us.
Not so easy with my mother in law. We went through some rough years living across the country, having four years to go to get our pensions in and her absolutely refusing to move, and getting worse and worse with dementia.
 

WinniWoman

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I didn't mention this in my post but the reason I set things up the way I did is because my Brother and I went through Hell when our Father began to fail. Not only did we have a tough time getting him to agree he need to go into an Assisted Living Facility but when we searched for one we found it next to impossible to find a quality place at a reasonable price with a vacancy. Right then I decided I would never put my kids through this ordeal...

George

This is how I think and I really wanted to do it, not to mention we just have one child who we don't think could deal with it, but now these communities are so darn expensive. $3000-$5000+ per month and that is just for the independent living side. Plus the like $175,000 or more entrance fee. Our FA is telling us to forget it at least for now as we would be paying for something most likely for a long time before we even need to be in it- if we ever do.

The problem is, when you need to be in it, then it is too late- too hard- you go right into assisted living or a nursing home and who is selling your home and helping you move then? That is exactly the situation you were trying to avoid in the first place.
 
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MOXJO7282

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Going through this with my lovely MIL. FIL passed last Oct and we assumed she would move in with us as she always said she wanted to. I personally repainted a room for her and put in a new TV and adjustable bed and she did move in with us and is very comfortable with us but at times she wants to go back to her home in the Hamptons which is 50 minutes from us and be by herself which is just not safe at her advanced age and health. 3 of the last 4 times my wife had to go out there the very next day and take her to the emergency for a rapid heartbeat. And she expects my wife and daughter to go out there and spend time with her when she does and at times they do because it is a nice home near the ocean but our life is at our home so we can't get out there as much as we like so something is going to happen while she is by herself and hopefully its not tragic.
 

rapmarks

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Scenarios with my mother in law when she lived alone.
Fell in the hallway and broke her hip and wrist and lay there all night and into the next afternoon til someone came to pick her up and heard her moaning.
We discovered the cabinet door above stove was hanging off hinges, we figured she had been on chair to get in cabinet, and was hanging by the door handle.
Got lost several times and brought back by police.
We got a safety alert button, but she would only wear when she went out and not in the house where it did work.
I know that my husband could not last more than two or three days without me, and that all he can do is make cereal or pb&j sandwiches. There is no question he would go to assisted living immediately but he would no longer get to play golf, Bocce, and ride his bike.
 
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Patri

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I know that my husband could not last more than two or three days without me, and that all he can do is make cereal or pb&j sandwiches. There is no question he would go to assisted living immediately but he would no longer get to play golf, Bocce, and ride his bike.
Why not? People in assisted living can have cars and go places on their own. If it is a safe neighborhood, he could ride his bike.
 

rapmarks

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Why not? People in assisted living can have cars and go places on their own. If it is a safe neighborhood, he could ride his bike.
I doubt they would take liability for Alzheimer’s patient to leave campus.big difference in riding bike in a gated community and in assisted living which is in unfamiliar area and usually in a commercial area near busy highways. At least the ones we have visited are on busy highways.
 
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WinniWoman

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I doubt they would take liability for Alzheimer’s patient to leave campus.big difference in riding bike in a gated community and in assisted living which is in unfamiliar area and usually in a commercial area near busy highways. At least the ones we have visited are on busy highways.


Yes. Alzheimer and severe dementia patients are locked in in an assisted living facility. My mom had dementia, though not severe, and because the only opening was in the memory care section she started off living there and it was locked.
 

rapmarks

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Yes. Alzheimer and severe dementia patients are locked in in an assisted living facility. My mom had dementia, though not severe, and because the only opening was in the memory care section she started off living there and it was locked.
I better stay healthy, at least he leads something like a normal life now.
 

Patri

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I doubt they would take liability for Alzheimer’s patient to leave campus.big difference in riding bike in a gated community and in assisted living which is in unfamiliar area and usually in a commercial area near busy highways. At least the ones we have visited are on busy highways.
I didn't know your DH has Alzheimers. I thought he only didn't like to cook, not that he was unable. But people who go to assisted living proactively certainly can get around the community for a while, at least.
 

rapmarks

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I didn't know your DH has Alzheimers. I thought he only didn't like to cook, not that he was unable. But people who go to assisted living proactively certainly can get around the community for a while, at least.
when we were looking at assisted living for my mother in law, I thought how nice, you get your meals, they clean, they do your laundry. Right now, I don’t feel that way, I don’t want to go there yet.
 

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I'm coming to the opinion that a certain number of TUGgers are the 'aging parent' in this thread, who balk at the young 'whippersnapper' kids who only want access to our homes, investments and lives. And by-gum, we're serious about this! The eldest of DW's spawn makes no secret that they'd LOVE to have us move- at least- nearer them, if not into a much discussed in-law quarters in their house. NO THANKS!

Jim
 

geist1223

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My Mother started a fire on her kitchen stove. She turned the oil/grease onto high to deep fry some lunch, walked about 6 steps to her Apple computer, and did not notice the fire that started in the oil pot until it almost set her kitchen on fire. She was out of her house for about 8 weeks. At first she moved in with us. That lasted about 3 days. Then she contacted her insurance agent (a friend of ours) and confirmed they would pay for hotel and meals. She moved into a hotel about 8 blocks from her house. We started suggesting Assisted Living and looked at a number of options for her. She said no. She claims we are trying to have her committed. She had been back in her house about 4 weeks when she she put a teapot on to boil and promptly forgot about it. Luckily one of the Inspectors came bye to check on the status of everything and he saw the glowing red hot teapot on the stove. She still refused to consider Assisted Living. A little over a year goes bye and she has a stroke discovered by Optomologist not her Doctor. Her Doc does not think anything is seriously wrong and supports her keeping her ODL. Month goes by. Has another stroke. Found by neighbor on floor. Ambulance to Hospital. She checks out the next day AMA. Moves in with us. Again after a few days she moves herself home while we are at work. Month goes bye. Mom has another stroke. This time she lays on her kitchen floor for somewhere between 36 and 48 hours before being discovered. She ended up with Multi-infarct Dementia after 3rd stroke. Ends up in Dementia Care Facility. So no matter how much you love your Mom and how much you want to take care of her and help her. The right decision may not be done until It is too late for Mom to agree or disagree, or to have any say in the matter.
 

geist1223

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Part of the sad part is if Mom had gone into Assisted Living when we wanted she probably would have lived longer in better health. After her 3rd big stroke she spent a 7 to 10 days in the Hospital and then 4 weeks in a Specialty Rehab Center. Which got her away from her Doctor, who was doing her no good. Part of his medical treatment was 2 different HRT's. Which she did not need and may have contributed to her strokes. When she got out of the Rehab Facility she was 1/2 the Medicines her Doctor had had her on and no HRT's. But the damage to her Brain was done.
 

rapmarks

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Part of the sad part is if Mom had gone into Assisted Living when we wanted she probably would have lived longer in better health. After her 3rd big stroke she spent a 7 to 10 days in the Hospital and then 4 weeks in a Specialty Rehab Center. Which got her away from her Doctor, who was doing her no good. Part of his medical treatment was 2 different HRT's. Which she did not need and may have contributed to her strokes. When she got out of the Rehab Facility she was 1/2 the Medicines her Doctor had had her on and no HRT's. But the damage to her Brain was done.
My mother had crones disease, and they gave her a colonoscopy at age 93. Before colonoscopy, fairly normal, after colonoscopy, delirious, couldn’t hold her head up, never got better and died seven months later. Why we allowed it, I don’t know. When I got down there, it was already started.
 

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My mother had crones disease, and they gave her a colonoscopy at age 93. Before colonoscopy, fairly normal, after colonoscopy, delirious, couldn’t hold her head up, never got better and died seven months later. Why we allowed it, I don’t know. When I got down there, it was already started.

When I reached 80 I decided no more colonoscopies for me. In my mind, too dangerous at my age. My Doctor balked pointing out that my Father had died with (not from) colon cancer. But then my Uncle (a Doctor no less) had died while being operated on for colon cancer. Thus some semblance of a family history. I then, on my own initiative, went through hospital (UT Southwestern) directed genetic testing to see if I was carrying the colon cancer gene. It came back that I'm not. I gave the entire report to my Doctor who has never mentioned colonoscopy to me again...

George
 
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