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Thoughtlessness is Depressing Me

dago

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@heathpack I have no additional advice to offer beyond the words in my first post: Let it go. Allowing yourself to feel depressed about your relatives isn't worth the energy it takes to feel that way. Disappointed? Sure. You are absolutely entitled to feel that way. But none of this situation can be solved by any amount of conversation you could have with your relatives. Guilting or manipulating them into doing something for your Mom won't change their underlying attitudes. Your points about "false" changes to get what they want are well-considered. You have to let those adults live their lives as they see fit. Remember how they've acted in all of this, and don't allow yourself to go down this road again.

I hope your Mom continues to improve, and that you are able to focus on the important things in your life. Give your fur kids extra hugs, and know they will give you every bit of sincere affection and emotional support they can. In addition, know that your Tug friends care about you and this situation, and we would gladly help out, if we could. I learned long ago that the best families are the ones you make, not necessarily the one you're born into.

Hugs, kid.

Dave
[/QUOTE

Well said.
 

nerodog

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Perhaps you could continue to guide, semi-direct the younger generation, e.g. nieces and nephews, who can still learn but are clueless. If your SIL is your niece's example, then I can see why your niece hasn't learned those good behaviors.
Maybe text to say "Grandma's feeling much better now and would love to hear from you, her cell number is ###". Even tho' they might have the number, a linked cell # is just one thumbpress away to call rather than expecting them to look it up. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but....

I think you handled your SIL & her dog situation very well. Sounds like she wanted confirmation from you on what she wanted to do. Likely her local vet gave her the same advice as you did, but she didn't want to follow it.

Just my opinion, but perhaps since your SIL's husband, your brother, is deceased, she thinks she has little/no obligation any longer to his side of the family? :shrug: I'm not excusing her; she sounds very selfish, self-absorbed.
Rather than text, is it possible to have a conversation on the phone?
 

nerodog

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I'm just thinking how a conversation might be better. Hearing a voice and all the emotion, disappointment. Feelings
.expressing how you feel is more productive for you in this instance. She's absorbed with the dog and doesn't seem to think about you and your Mom. A firm but gentle reminder along with offering assistance for dogs since you can help her. With that you tell her how yiu feel about her actions. Call her on it so she can learn how she is coming across to you and probably others.
 

nerodog

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@heathpack I have no additional advice to offer beyond the words in my first post: Let it go. Allowing yourself to feel depressed about your relatives isn't worth the energy it takes to feel that way. Disappointed? Sure. You are absolutely entitled to feel that way. But none of this situation can be solved by any amount of conversation you could have with your relatives. Guilting or manipulating them into doing something for your Mom won't change their underlying attitudes. Your points about "false" changes to get what they want are well-considered. You have to let those adults live their lives as they see fit. Remember how they've acted in all of this, and don't allow yourself to go down this road again.

I hope your Mom continues to improve, and that you are able to focus on the important things in your life. Give your fur kids extra hugs, and know they will give you every bit of sincere affection and emotional support they can. In addition, know that your Tug friends care about you and this situation, and we would gladly help out, if we could. I learned long ago that the best families are the ones you make, not necessarily the one you're born into.

Hugs, kid.

Dave
This is true Dave! You may not be able to change others but you can change how you handle the situation at hand. Don't be a doormat. Right?! Always there but never there for your time of need.
 

heathpack

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This is true Dave! You may not be able to change others but you can change how you handle the situation at hand. Don't be a doormat. Right?! Always there but never there for your time of need.

Doormat? Are you kidding me?
 

nerodog

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Doormat? Are you kidding me?
Good... no offense meant... just feel some family members can wear out their welcome and take advantage . I'm glad you are not . I'm on your side believe me.
 

easyrider

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Good... no offense meant... just feel some family members can wear out their welcome and take advantage . I'm glad you are not . I'm on your side believe me.

They do. She knows. Me too !

Bill
 

geekette

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I have family members that are downright cruel so I say let it go. Live and act in accordance to your own compass. there is generally only heartache when contemplating how others behave so I don’t dwell.
 
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heathpack

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Update on Mom:

She is still in rehab hospital and improving. It is unclear though how complete her recovery will be and whether she’ll get back to independent living. She has a lot of deficit in her right leg, on top of other preexisting mobility issues. However it sounds like there are lots of options that might help getting her back to independent living (an aide, a scooter, etc) and she’s still working on it. Time will tell.

My cousin has called Mom once of twice and texted her some old photos- not great but decent. I’ve talked to my cousin a few times and made peace with her response to Mom.

My Aunt never did call her. My Mom usually calls Aunt once a week on Sundays and Mom started calling her again, they chat once a week now on their regular schedule. This will never make sense to me, but that’s just how it’s going to be.

SIL and niece did visit once since I posted, a nice long visit (90 min). Mom was happy with that. Niece is now off to London for her semester abroad. I’m sure there will be no more visits, however, since it’s just SIL.

I eventually sent an exasperated text back to SIL about the sick dog (she was making assumptions about dog’s care based on her experience working in the human medical field 25 years ago) and got a lecturing text back (setting me straight on how things work in human med). I haven’t heard from her since and don’t know how the dog is doing.

I was posting here when folks were advising me to “tell relatives what I expected of them” that I didn’t need anyone to do anything. But when Mom had that one visit from SIL & niece, I realized that was such a relief! Just feeling like she experienced someone else in the family caring for her besides me- it took a lot of pressure off me that week. It’s hard to work full time and try to also be someone’s remote emotional support. Work is total chaos right now and consuming a lot of my emotional energy, plus good chunks of my out-of-the office time. A good visit from family gave me a few days respite from feeling like I needed to be checking on her every day. So even though there is nothing for anyone to “do”, being kind and supportive to my Mom is a tremendous help to me. I’m not expecting very much more of that, but I was surprised at how helpful I found it when it happened!

Mom is getting amazing support from her friends, lots of visits and it seems like she always has a lot going on. So things are moving along. It’s not a great situation but not an utter disaster either.
 

elaine

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Mom is getting amazing support from her friends, lots of visits and it seems like she always has a lot going on.
Visits from anyone are good-doesn't have to be family! So glad she had a network of friends.
My Aunt never did call her. My Mom usually calls Aunt once a week on Sundays and Mom started calling her again, they chat once a week now on their regular schedule. This will never make sense to me, but that’s just how it’s going to be.
I've had a few oddities like that as well--who knows??
Please take care of yourself. Elaine
 

DaveNV

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It sounds like things are on the mend for your Mom, and things with the relatives have worked themselves out. That's all to the good. If you can be content with things as they've developed, then you've done all that you can so as well. It sounds like you're in a good space, which is what matters.

Hang in there.

Dave
 

amycurl

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I think the realization that visits and doing the majority of the emotional support work is *work* and could be delegated to someone else was an important one. I'm glad those visits happened, and I think providing some positive reinforcement by sharing how that was a huge help--not just to your mom, but to you, too--might be helpful going forward, but who knows?

Some of this behavior may be introverted vs. extroverted, some might be the awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about with the person in these kinds of situations, some might be just straight-up narcissism, or a combination of all the above, etc....but I am so glad that your mom is continuing to do better (healing isn't a straight line, but the body wants to heal) and that you're doing better, too, and more aware of your limits and how things are affecting you.

Holding you both in The Light.
 

pedro47

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Just do the right things for your Mom and keep her happy.
Your Mother have some outstanding caring friends. IMHO.
 

Glynda

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Brewster Green (two weeks).
I was posting here when folks were advising me to “tell relatives what I expected of them” that I didn’t need anyone to do anything. But when Mom had that one visit from SIL & niece, I realized that was such a relief! Just feeling like she experienced someone else in the family caring for her besides me- it took a lot of pressure off me that week. It’s hard to work full time and try to also be someone’s remote emotional support. Work is total chaos right now and consuming a lot of my emotional energy, plus good chunks of my out-of-the office time. A good visit from family gave me a few days respite from feeling like I needed to be checking on her every day. So even though there is nothing for anyone to “do”, being kind and supportive to my Mom is a tremendous help to me. I’m not expecting very much more of that, but I was surprised at how helpful I found it when it happened!

Mom is getting amazing support from her friends, lots of visits and it seems like she always has a lot going on. So things are moving along. It’s not a great situation but not an utter disaster either.

I get how much having others visit and call is a big help to you. We live in a neighborhood where about half of the homes are second (third, fourth, fifth) homes. Most of those neighbors are here for six months of the year...Fall-Spring. During that time, my mother (who lives with us and is 100) is visited regularly by several of those part time neighbors and greeted on the street by others as she walks. During the summer she gets bored and lonely and relies on me more. We've been without her 12 hour a week aide for a month now, due to her own health issues, and I didn't realize how much stress having the aide, or anyone who focuses their attention on my mother, removes from me.
 

nerodog

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Update on Mom:

She is still in rehab hospital and improving. It is unclear though how complete her recovery will be and whether she’ll get back to independent living. She has a lot of deficit in her right leg, on top of other preexisting mobility issues. However it sounds like there are lots of options that might help getting her back to independent living (an aide, a scooter, etc) and she’s still working on it. Time will tell.

My cousin has called Mom once of twice and texted her some old photos- not great but decent. I’ve talked to my cousin a few times and made peace with her response to Mom.

My Aunt never did call her. My Mom usually calls Aunt once a week on Sundays and Mom started calling her again, they chat once a week now on their regular schedule. This will never make sense to me, but that’s just how it’s going to be.

SIL and niece did visit once since I posted, a nice long visit (90 min). Mom was happy with that. Niece is now off to London for her semester abroad. I’m sure there will be no more visits, however, since it’s just SIL.

I eventually sent an exasperated text back to SIL about the sick dog (she was making assumptions about dog’s care based on her experience working in the human medical field 25 years ago) and got a lecturing text back (setting me straight on how things work in human med). I haven’t heard from her since and don’t know how the dog is doing.

I was posting here when folks were advising me to “tell relatives what I expected of them” that I didn’t need anyone to do anything. But when Mom had that one visit from SIL & niece, I realized that was such a relief! Just feeling like she experienced someone else in the family caring for her besides me- it took a lot of pressure off me that week. It’s hard to work full time and try to also be someone’s remote emotional support. Work is total chaos right now and consuming a lot of my emotional energy, plus good chunks of my out-of-the office time. A good visit from family gave me a few days respite from feeling like I needed to be checking on her every day. So even though there is nothing for anyone to “do”, being kind and supportive to my Mom is a tremendous help to me. I’m not expecting very much more of that, but I was surprised at how helpful I found it when it happened!

Mom is getting amazing support from her friends, lots of visits and it seems like she always has a lot going on. So things are moving along. It’s not a great situation but not an utter disaster either.
Great to hear ! Sounds good .
 

rapmarks

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I know how you feel. I was the only one that visited my husband for months, and it was a huge stressor to go on days when you didn’t feel well. Some people can not handle it.
 
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