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Declining to be the executor of my parents' estate

clifffaith

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I think I'm going to have to tell my elderly parents to remove me as executor of their estate. For the last few years I've had the worry as to how easy my sister will make the process of having her move out of the house so it can be sold. Hope has lived with them since 2013 when she had a brain aneurysm (she fully recovered). She also has long term mental health issues that always kept her from being fully functioning, even when she lived on her own (my parents paid half her rent for years and drove 40 minutes to her place to do a large grocery shopping trip that they paid for once a month). It could be as easy as giving her her share of the stock accounts and she finds herself a new place to live so the house can be listed, or she could dig her heals in requiring an eviction process, or at least causing a major delay. She refuses to talk to my mother about her plans for when they are gone, saying she isn't ready to think about it.

There is not enough money to split the estate without selling the house (this is California where the house they've lived in for over 45 years has increased tremendously in value). Hope has zero credit, having lived off of my parents and whatever disability funds she could claim for years, so no one will give her a mortgage so she could pay me off and retain the house. That is actually a good thing, because retaining the home would quickly devolve into a hoarding situation (cats, as well as other items). Property taxes, etc would not be paid because she can not handle her own affairs, and she'd lose the house anyway. My parents are bound and determined to die in their home, in spite of my plea that the remaining spouse move in with us and sell their home so I won't have that burden. We have a guest house and a granny unit so there is room for Hope temporarily as well; she does not want to live with us, nor do we want her to, so my suggestion to a surviving parent moving in with me would be to give her a big chunk of money so she can get herself permanently set up elsewhere.

Friday my father saw fit to blindside me with "Hope doesn't trust you". What?! This is my sister who is the sole driver in their family, who is out pet sitting, yet again, for five days at a time leaving my dad who is under hospice care, and my mom who has a serious wound issue requiring multiple trips to various doctors each week, alone several times a month, and yet she doesn't trust me to see to my parent's estate. We have shelved our move to a retirement community until both my parents have died because I can't trust my sister not to be taking care of someone else's pets leaving them without a caretaker nearby, so I guess the mistrust is mutual.

After mulling the lack of trust issue over a few days, I think I need to protect myself (my peace of mind, as well as our assets) and get my parents to put a lawyer or "professional executor" in charge. In fact our own estate is set up so a "bank" is in charge of doling money out to keep my sister off the streets, while safeguarding the bulk for our final charitable bequest upon her death. I don't care what that costs, since I won't be here to see it, but I don't want my parent's estate eaten up by lawyer bills. I'm happy to help empty the house and work with the realtor, but I'm not happy to have to evict my sister or hire my own attorney to protect myself against her. Any suggestions are welcome.
 

bizaro86

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I think I'm going to have to tell my elderly parents to remove me as executor of their estate. For the last few years I've had the worry as to how easy my sister will make the process of having her move out of the house so it can be sold. Hope has lived with them since 2013 when she had a brain aneurysm (she fully recovered). She also has long term mental health issues that always kept her from being fully functioning, even when she lived on her own (my parents paid half her rent for years and drove 40 minutes to her place to do a large grocery shopping trip that they paid for once a month). It could be as easy as giving her her share of the stock accounts and she finds herself a new place to live so the house can be listed, or she could dig her heals in requiring an eviction process, or at least causing a major delay. She refuses to talk to my mother about her plans for when they are gone, saying she isn't ready to think about it.

There is not enough money to split the estate without selling the house (this is California where the house they've lived in for over 45 years has increased tremendously in value). Hope has zero credit, having lived off of my parents and whatever disability funds she could claim for years, so no one will give her a mortgage so she could pay me off and retain the house. That is actually a good thing, because retaining the home would quickly devolve into a hoarding situation (cats, as well as other items). Property taxes, etc would not be paid because she can not handle her own affairs, and she'd lose the house anyway. My parents are bound and determined to die in their home, in spite of my plea that the remaining spouse move in with us and sell their home so I won't have that burden. We have a guest house and a granny unit so there is room for Hope temporarily as well; she does not want to live with us, nor do we want her to, so my suggestion to a surviving parent moving in with me would be to give her a big chunk of money so she can get herself permanently set up elsewhere.

Friday my father saw fit to blindside me with "Hope doesn't trust you". What?! This is my sister who is the sole driver in their family, who is out pet sitting, yet again, for five days at a time leaving my dad who is under hospice care, and my mom who has a serious wound issue requiring multiple trips to various doctors each week, alone several times a month, and yet she doesn't trust me to see to my parent's estate. We have shelved our move to a retirement community until both my parents have died because I can't trust my sister not to be taking care of someone else's pets leaving them without a caretaker nearby, so I guess the mistrust is mutual.

After mulling the lack of trust issue over a few days, I think I need to protect myself (my peace of mind, as well as our assets) and get my parents to put a lawyer or "professional executor" in charge. In fact our own estate is set up so a "bank" is in charge of doling money out to keep my sister off the streets, while safeguarding the bulk for our final charitable bequest upon her death. I don't care what that costs, since I won't be here to see it, but I don't want my parent's estate eaten up by lawyer bills. I'm happy to help empty the house and work with the realtor, but I'm not happy to have to evict my sister or hire my own attorney to protect myself against her. Any suggestions are welcome.

Where I live, an executor is permitted to hire a trust company to run the process at the estate's cost. Maybe something like that would be an option even if your parents won't change the will? Would give you someone to "be the bad guy."

Alternatively, maybe the lack of trust is the issue you could use to suggest they change to a professional executor. "If Hope doesn't trust me, maybe it would be better for her/your peace of mind if you appoint ABC Trust the executor. I looked into it, and it costs $x and here are the details..."
 

Patri

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Would they name Hope the executor? You could tell your folks you don't trust her either, so a neutral party may be the best idea for an executor.
 

klpca

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At work, so quick note of a couple of things to consider.

Until one of them dies a sale of the house will incur taxes, so probably best to wait to sell. Please consult with their CPA.

Second does there need to be a special needs trust set up for your sister? Can she take care of herself?

I wouldn't want to deal with this either.
 
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clifffaith

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Would they name Hope the executor? You could tell your folks you don't trust her either, so a neutral party may be the best idea for an executor.

When Dad was taken via ambulance to the hospital on his 86th birthday last December, their neighbors accosted us one day at the hospital and said "go get a copy of their Trust, go NOW, we'll stall your mother and sister" (found out this had more to do with situations they'd found themselves in with their parents and siblings, then our situation right then). We did that, later telling my mom that we'd taken a copy of their trust. We reread that document this morning, and looks like I would need to be careful stepping out of the loop after they die because Hope is listed as the executor if I am unavailable. Since my deceased brother is still on the documents, I'd like them to also amend them to remove Hope as secondary executor, even if it turns out I remain as executor, because if I die before all this is settled Hope is unfit to handle anything on her own.
 

rapmarks

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So sorry for your situation
It is best to keep a greatly appreciated house until a death as klpca stated.
 

clifffaith

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At work, so quick note of a couple of things to consider.

Until one of them dies a sale of the house will incur taxes, so probably best to wait to sell. Please consult with their CPA.

Second does there need to be a special needs trust set up for your sister? Can she take care of herself?

I wouldn't want to deal with this either.

"Their CPA"!? Don't make me laugh! Dad uses Turbo Tax, even dragging himself out of his hospice bed to do taxes in April. He is so hard headed he refused to take advice the year after my brother died to get help with the unusual circumstances. So a few months later here comes the $9K past due tax bill because he'd fed Turbo Tax incorrect information. As I recall, once our accountant straightened him out, he owed no extra money other than to her. We have told them, confirmed with our CPA, told them again, passed on newspaper articles and the closest we can get to making them understand "the house gets a stepped up value when one of you dies" is that after the last article I gave them they now think only half of the value gets stepped up after the first death. I do not believe that is true, but then I'm not entirely sure how title is held on the house, although I think it should be in the trust and I think the whole value steps up after the first death. Will they follow my suggestion and make an appt with a CPA to confirm this? That is a big N O.

To the casual, or even not so casual observer, there is nothing wrong with Hope. Every single employer who ever hired her soon found out that was not true. We used to take bets as to how long she would last, I think 9 months was her record. Until we went into her apartment to close it up while she was in the hospital with a shaved head and tubes coming out all over, we thought she was LAZY. Once we found the mountain of Rx and the notes that said "9am butter toast, 9:03 put jam on toast, 9:05 take bite of toast" we realized there was a mental issue, real or imagined. All along I noticed that a two line email from me would get a response, two paragraphs would not. She seemed incapable of retaining concentration long before the aneurysm. She lives rent free with my parents. Had been paying them $500 month once she got herself qualified for permanent disability, but since January when they gave her their car because neither can drive any more, they have not charged her because she is supposed to be their driver. Well that works out real well when they refuse to ask her to curtail the extended pet sitting jobs 75 minutes away. They now order groceries online, but only because Dad is well enough to sit up at the computer with Mom. Mom can't see well enough to place the order on her own, and has never used a computer anyway. It pains them to ask us to shop for them or drive them somewhere, although tomorrow when Hope is gone again Mom is allowing me to take her to the wound clinic. So Hope is capable of doing what it took to be turned down twice for permanent disability, get a lawyer, follow through with the court appearance, etc when there is a pay off at the end. But she can't stop herself from shopping (she has expanded out of her bedroom at my parent's home into half of their family room) almost daily at thrift stores, and ordering constantly from Amazon Prime, while her idea of helping around the house is setting the table.
 

rapmarks

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I don’t have a cpa or a lawyer either, but you need to make an appointment with the cpa and try to bring them along.
 

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I'm a bit confused (concerned!) that you mentioned "a copy of their trust" and "executor" in the same sentence. These are two different situations. You need to be sure you are clear if their assets have alread been placed in a "living trust" where you are the "successor trustee" and Hope becomes the "sucessor trustee" if you decline, or if their assets are just hanging around outside of a trust and their will indicates that you are the "executor" who is then legally obligated to follow the instructions set out in said will and soldier through the probate process. It is important to know if Hope is an "alternate executor" if you decline - while legally obligate to follow the instructions in the will, if she doesn't then somebody will have to initiate proceedings. Not a happy place to be.

The reason that this is so important is that as mentioned in a previous post if you are the sole executor to a will, you have the right to assign your duties over to a trust company (oops, that might only be in Canada!). However, I am familiar with US Living Wills since my mother had one and both my brother and I were the "successor Trustees - jointly". Since I was an accountant by training and a banker by trade, he was delighted to simply renounce his position and let me handle it on my own.

The processes followed for administering a "living trust" and a "will" are completely different. Best of luck with your situation, I don't envy you. I always used to tell people that the perfect revenge was naming their worst enemy as their executor!
 

Passepartout

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My wife, who practices probate and family law, advises don't give up your privileges as executor. Once you do that, you give up the ability to influence the outcomes. For instance, say you turn executorship over to an 'independent' executor. And you don't agree with the fees charged, or the distribution of the estate. You're SOL. You can't re-take control. You can certainly sell the parents' home, and though it will be uncomfortable if your sister wants to fight it, as executor, YOU get to make the decision. Assuming funds are divided more-or-less equally, and a trust is set up to care for her, you still maintain control.

Good Luck, and we hope your parents live far beyond the need for you to deal with this.

Jim
 
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pianodinosaur

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I was executor of my parents estate. The lived in Illinois and I think it is safe to assume that the laws in California may be different than the laws that I had to deal with. However, it did take almost five years to get funds appropriated. We had to hire an attorney to help navigate the intricacies of the federal and state tax laws. This was very time consuming. I refused to fight with my sisters over our parents grave. Fortunately, my sisters felt the same way and helped me a great deal.

Your situation is different in that you have described an adversarial relationship with your sister. If your parents owned property in California for many years, it is safe to assume that there may be well over a million dollars to the estate. There might be some kind of pension fund to deal with as well. The personal property will need to be liquidated and you will need to keep precise records. Furthermore, there is a very good chance that you will be sued by your sister because she feels entitled to everything your parents have and everything that you have. I have seen this happen several times to other people who have needy and greedy siblings.

I wish you the best. I think you should remain the executor for your own protection.
 
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rapmarks

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It will be much easier if everything is titled properly. I settled four estates, one in illinois and three in Arizona. One in a revocable trust and the others with beneficiaries and payable on death on everything.
 

easyrider

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I agree with Jim. Stay the course. Don't give up your rights. In the long run it could be more of a headache to undo mistakes your sister might make than to stay the course. Really, why should you care if your sister doesn't trust you ? So what if she doesn't. You trust you is what maters.

Bill
 

VacationForever

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I am sorry that you are put in this situation. I am sympathetic towards someone who has mental illness and will make allowance for that. If you can have your parents redo their trust, presumably that is what they have, have it be spelled out that the house be sold and assets be divided accordingly but have your sister's portion go into a trust to pay for food and shelter for as long as she lives. This will help in alleviating dispute with your sister as to how their estate will be handled as well as ensuring that she will be taken care of financially.
 
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clifffaith

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Thank you everyone. I will reread all your comments, and keep my powder dry at this point without saying anything yet to my parents. Remaining the executor now seems to be the better course of action. For YEARS I've begged them to put my brother's and sister's funds in some sort of annuity or trust to protect them from themselves and from people with their hands out. My brother's issues resulted in him taking himself out of the picture permanently six years ago. All along I've said they could set me up the same way so as not to play favorites. Answer has always been NO NO NO. I have never understood this.
 

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Along the same lines we have been dealing with 2 estates, my 96 year old Mother passed away in May and my oldest brother in July. Here's confusion for you. My Mother was living in (used to be Aunt's )house after caring for Aunt for several years our Aunt passed away and my Mom stayed. That house went to my Mom who did a bipass on the house so it went to myself and 4 siblings. She has lived there last 20 years. During the 20 years oldest brother lived in my Mom's house so we have 2 houses to fix up and sell.
My Mom's trust is funded with all her assets except a small checking account which makes hers easy.
My brother's affairs are a pain. In his trust is only 1/5 of the house we own. He has 3 accounts which one is a 457 that list myself and siblings and the problem is one sibling passed away a year ago and the money then goes to myself and siblings leaving out my sister n law and her kids.
The 2nd account shows no beneficiaries so we probably have to go to probate.
The 3rd account has listed the brother that passed a year ago as beneficiary. We know our brother's wish and ours is for everything be divided equally. Hopefully the lawyer can figure all this out. She wants us to wait 40 days before meeting with her so we can gather all the facts and questions. We are in California too. What a pain.
 

nightnurse613

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This is NOT legal advice but just "spitballing"...Buy a condo for your sister and set up housekeeping to preclude any hoarding situation. Easier to move her out now before she becomes "entitled". Remain the executor (trustee or whatever). It sounds like your sister may not qualify (I can't be sure how old you or your cat are) but, for all the families living with disabled members, are you familiar with the Achieving a Better Life Experience Act of 2014 (ABLE)?
 

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My wife, who practices probate and family law, advises don't give up your privileges as executor. Once you do that, you give up the ability to influence the outcomes. For instance, say you turn executorship over to an 'independent' executor. And you don't agree with the fees charged, or the distribution of the estate. You're SOL. You can't re-take control. You can certainly sell the parents' home, and though it will be uncomfortable if your sister wants to fight it, as executor, YOU get to make the decision. Assuming funds are divided more-or-less equally, and a trust is set up to care for her, you still maintain control.

Good Luck, and we hope your parents live far beyond the need for you to deal with this.

Jim

Yes, exactly this. Do not give up being executor. As much of a pain as it is to be an executor, being powerless to deal with estate matters is much more difficult. Remember you can also take a fee for your services as executor.
 

presley

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I refused to be executor for my parents. They wanted me to do it and to clean up their messes while doing it. two of my brothers were living in the house rent free for many years. My parents had a log of all the money that all 3 of my brothers owed them and my parents expected me to take that money from the sale of their house after they died. I told them they needed to tell my brothers about that and they said they weren't going to bother asking them for the money owed because they wouldn't pay it and they weren't going to tell them because it wouldn't make any difference. To me, it would make a HUGE difference if after they were dead, I kicked the 2 out of the house and then took deductions out of their shares because they owed money to our parents without them having any prior knowledge that it was going to happen.

After I refused, my dad publicly mentioned several times that he wanted my help and I refused to help, so he had one of my freeloading brothers become the executor because he was willing to help out. My dad never mentioned that he wanted me to take the money owed from everyone else and when my brother agreed to be the executor, my dad said the best way to handle everything was to split it evenly 4 ways between all kids. The two that lived there rent free continued to do so for over a year after my parents died. At that point, the house payment money was now coming directly out of my inheritence. To me, peace of mind is more valuable than money and I am capable of taking care of myself and don't need to rely on old sick dying people to pay my way in life. Since my brothers were the opposite of that, yeah, let them continue to live off of dead people.
 

bogey21

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My wife, who practices probate and family law, advises don't give up your privileges as executor. Once you do that, you give up the ability to influence the outcomes...

You are in a tough situation and as unpleasant as it may get what Jim says makes sense to me. You can always hire a lawyer to be the heavy...

George
 

Luanne

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This sounds like a rough situation. You've gotten some good advice, and at this point it sounds like you don't have to do anything.

At one point I was executor of my parent's estate. Then they put everything into a trust and at some point my younger sister became the primary trustee. That was fine with me, it made sense as by that time Dad had passed on and Mom was living with my sister and bil. When Mom passed earlier this year it was "simple". Mom had no property, she really had very little left. Since it was a trust, no probate was required. She had basically left everything (monetary) she had to my sister. Again, this was what I wanted as well since Mom had been living with my sister all these years. Mom did have some stipulations on who should get a few pieces of jewelry. And I went to MO to help my sister clear out Mom's things and we each indicated a few items we wanted. There was no fighting over anything. One thing that was kind of amusing was that there were two pieces Mom and Dad had brought back from Japan. An Imari charger and a bowl. Mom designated the charger for my sister and the bowl for me. Turns out I wanted the charger and my sister the bowl. So, it all worked out.
 

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. It sounds like your sister may not qualify but, for all the families living with disabled members, are you familiar with the Achieving a Better Life Experience Act of 2014 (ABLE)?

The fact that your sister receives disability adds even more complications. I'm assuming she's on one of the Social Security disability programs and likely getting medical coverage through Medicaid as a result. If so, an inheritance that goes directly to her or other actions like buying a home in her name (unless it's held in a special or supplemental needs trust) might likely affect her disability and medical coverage. Unless the inheritance will be large enough to live on for the rest of her life, keeping her eligible for the governmental programs is important. And, unfortunately, many lawyers don't understand all the nuances unless the specialize in disability issues.

The ABLE act is a great program, but you can only put $15,000 a year into a person's account and there is a maximum limit as well. There's also a difference between a supplemental needs trust...one a family member creates to hold funds like an inheritance for a person and a special needs trust...one the person has to create after receiving the funds themselves.
 
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The fact that your sister receives disability adds even more complications. I'm assuming she's on one of the Social Security disability programs and likely getting medical coverage through Medicaid as a result. If so, an inheritance that goes directly to her or other actions like buying a home in her name (unless it's held in a special or supplemental needs trust) might likely affect her disability and medical coverage. Unless the inheritance will be large enough to live on for the rest of her life, keeping her eligible for the governmental programs is important. And, unfortunately, many lawyers don't understand all the nuances unless the specialize in disability issues.

The ABLE act is a great program, but you can only put $15,000 a year into a person's account and there is a maximum limit as well. There's also a difference between a supplemental needs trust...one a family member creates to hold funds like an inheritance for a person and a special needs trust...one the person has to create after receiving the funds themselves.

With an inheritance she will not need disability. At least for so many years after. Let her take pride in using money left for her and not a check from the state when it is not needed. It is these reasons why people dislike programs that truly help people and then benefits get cut.
 

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Lots to read this morning, and no chance to fully absorb before going to collect Mom for her wound care appt. I will add that my sister is 61. At some point in the last year or two Medicaid became Medicare. I suspect that disability payments perhaps became Social Security at the same time. She does not give up much information when Mom asks, but we know for sure she is now on Medicare because there was a kerfluffle about losing a doctor she liked.
 
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