# What is expected for gifts at an engagement party.



## Joyce (May 7, 2011)

Is this something new sent out by the future bride's mother.  We attend a bridal shower, the wedding and now this? Do we bring a gift or is it simply to meet and greet? I am confused and don't want to make any mistakes. We are very close to the future groom and his family. We don't want to offend anyone.


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## glypnirsgirl (May 7, 2011)

This is what The Knot says about engagement parties:

"While traditionally guests have not brought presents to this function, increasing numbers do today, and it's only fair to provide guidance. Remind the couple to register for gifts in the low to middle range-a five-hundred-dollar cappuccino maker is not your typical engagement present. If some guests arrive bearing gifts, just be sure the couple unwraps them after the party or away from the crowd so people who came empty-handed won't feel uncomfortable. "

Read more: Engagement Parties: Planning 101 - Getting Engaged - Engaged - TheKnot.com http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-...agement-party-planning-101.aspx#ixzz1LiZNEGt1

At our engagement party for our son and daughter in law, we did not give gifts.

elaine

elaine


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## Patri (May 8, 2011)

If you gave a shower gift, and will give a wedding present, I'd say that's enough.


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## AnnaS (May 8, 2011)

I apologize, I am a bit confused.  Isn't the engagement before the shower?


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## glypnirsgirl (May 8, 2011)

An engagement party should be almost as soon as the engagement is announced --- well before the wedding and showers.


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## AnnaS (May 8, 2011)

That is why I don't understand - engagement gift after shower and before a wedding?  

My son just got engaged last week and if we do not have a small get to know/dinner soon, it won't happen later since bridal shower and wedding are the next ones to come.

(We did go to dinner with the my future daughter-in-law's parents).


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## Joyce (May 9, 2011)

Yes, the engagement party is before the bridal shower. I meant to say we will attend the other events. Sorry. Still need to know what we should bring or give?


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## SueDonJ (May 9, 2011)

I would bring a very small something, a "Congratulations" card with maybe a restaurant gift certificate or a simple picture frame.  Unless engagement parties are turning into just one more way for guests to drop buckets of money due to a wedding, which I don't think is happening but who knows where the trend will go, these really are meant to be a small celebratory event for family and close friends.


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## wackymother (May 9, 2011)

I would just get something small and nice but not earth-shattering. A picture frame, maybe? (Thank goodness for picture frames. They're the most innocuous present there is.) You could get one about 5x7, wrap it with a card, and then keep it in your bag until needed in case it turns out that no one else is giving gifts.


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## wackymother (May 9, 2011)

SueDonJ said:


> I would bring a very small something, a "Congratulations" card with maybe a restaurant gift certificate or a simple picture frame.  Unless engagement parties are turning into just one more way for guests to drop buckets of money due to a wedding, which I don't think is happening but who knows where the trend will go, these really are meant to be a small celebratory event for family and close friends.



LOL! Hooray for picture frames!


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## m61376 (May 10, 2011)

Joyce- Coming from the tri-state area you may find that the norm is quite different than what others have described here. As an upcoming mother of the bride  I'm well versed in what is customary in this area. 

It is recommended that engagement parties be held close to the engagement itself, although some people do have them closer in to the shower and wedding. I made a party mostly for the kids' friends, family, and our closest friends, who I knew would all have sent engagement gifts whether or not they were invited to a party. There were several friends who weren't invited who sent gifts as well. 

The couple's friends, who are in their late twenties, sent more modest gifts, probably mostly in the $25 to $50 range, while some were considerably more ($100 area). Our friends sent gifts ranging from I guess the $75 area on up, with many in the $125 to 200 area; I was surprised at how generous they were actually. 

Our future son-in-law's family is from out of town and they received only a couple of gifts from his parents' friends. Whereas I made an engagement party a few months after the engagement, right when we set the date for the wedding, and only invited our nearest and dearest, they are making a party less than 5 months before the wedding and inviting both close friends and people who are not being invited to the wedding (although that's not customary in the NY area [I live on LI], but I'm assuming is in the New England area). So even four hours away I sense that customs do vary, even in similar or more well-heeled social circles than ours.

My daughter did make sure to put a wide array of inexpensive and lower priced items on her registries and use Bed Bath and Beyond for everything she could since they always have 20% coupons floating around, so guests could easily choose what they were most comfortable with. I know a few people did send checks, but most either brought or sent a physical gift.

Since you are close to the groom's parents, especially if you are in an area of Conn. closer to NYC, I think more of a gift would be considered the norm. As I said, I sense that more in the New England area that things are a bit different, if that helps.

And, btw- I do agree that an engagement party, a shower and a wedding all add up to a lot of gifts. In my limited experience, only the closest friends of the parents are invited to the parties other than the wedding, but as I said there may be regional differences. I think the younger people are more comfortable giving more modest gifts, but it certainly does add up for the other guests.


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## AnnaS (May 10, 2011)

Joyce are all three parties spread apart?  Regardless - a small gift or yes, money again - I know it does add up.  You give/spend what you can afford. Normally as M61376 stated, very close family and friends are invited to the engagement and shower.  The engagement usually comes almost immediate after the announcement (give or take a month or two).  The bridal shower and wedding are pretty close together but they don't usually happen until about a year after the engagement - there is not much norm anymore though.  I agree also, different areas have different ways of doing things.

My nephew got engaged in Feb. and is getting married in November.  They  know a bridal shower will be coming before November so they did not have an "engagement dinner/party".  On the other hand, his older brother 4 years ago got engaged in Feb., shower in August and wedding in November - it was a bit much too soon.

I am not sure anymore what is right/wrong or expected sometimes.  I decide depending on the relationship and what I can afford and the # of people attending in my family.


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## BocaBum99 (May 10, 2011)

Joyce said:


> Is this something new sent out by the future bride's mother.  We attend a bridal shower, the wedding and now this? Do we bring a gift or is it simply to meet and greet? I am confused and don't want to make any mistakes. We are very close to the future groom and his family. We don't want to offend anyone.



An engagement party, a bridal shower and a wedding.  Wow, seems over the top.


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## m61376 (May 10, 2011)

BocaBum99 said:


> An engagement party, a bridal shower and a wedding.  Wow, seems over the top.



Yeah- I tend to agree. But, then again, weddings have gotten out of hand in the NY area at least. Kinda mind boggling once you get into it.

I think what has happened is that engagement parties were more the norm in some religions/cultures, and bridal showers in others in our generation, but today it seems that many people are doing both. And I agree, when I got married almost 35 years ago I had an engagement party but never would have considered having a shower. I felt the engagement party celebrates the engagement and a shower was just an obligation. But today it is different. 

I truly feel sorry for the bridal party- now the bridesmaids are expected to throw a shower and a bachelorette party, besides buying a dress and other added expenses. I took over the arrangements for my daughter's shower because I couldn't see obligating her friends, but I know most bridesmaids get stuck with footing either all the bill or, if they are fortunate, the bride's mother (or mother in law) chips in some money. Being a bridesmaid can easily be a thousand dollar obligation.

As Anna said, I think that they should at least be spread out (but, again, that is not a universal "rule") and people absolutely should only give what they are comfortable with. I only mentioned the amounts not as a "should give" but because the OP asked what is the norm. I actually was surprised at the gifts my daughter received. 

On the other hand, I have been told that wedding gifts also vary greatly in other parts of the country, so the "norm" may very well be regional. I was told by a friend that out of town guests from upstate NY gave kitchen towels and similar as wedding gifts, which would be considered a more modest shower gift here. 

I can tell you that this whole wedding business has gotten out of hand. I have a friend who has two married children, who told me if she had a third she would tell them to elope. I thought she was crazy until I started down the road myself....


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## Twinkstarr (May 10, 2011)

Besides the extra parties, I've noticed here in the midwest the engagement photo shoot. Not just a couple of shots to pick from for announcements in the newspaper. I've seen huge albums of engagement shots, bigger than my wedding album.


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## AnnaS (May 10, 2011)

I did not even want to post what "most" give here to weddings on average.  Way out of had.

I, personally, also don't feel that the bridesmaids and/or maid of honor/matron of honor should be giving the shower.  Way too expensive.  I think the bride's mom and/or the grooms mom if she wants to help.  Perhaps if the maid of honor or matron is a sister and can afford to help.  If she volunteers.  Dresses, shoes, gifts, hair does add up.

I have three kids and I am always saying I wish they would all elope but my son just got engaged so it's their day.  We have way too many parties right now on both sides - I am going to offer a small dinner for the families to get to know each other or I will gift them what it might cost me as my gift to them.  We shall see.  They are coming from Nappa tomorrow.

I also feel and make my opinion known when the conversation comes up (not on the internet) - that if you want to spend $300 a plate - one should not expect a guest to bring that as a gift.  I say that because there are money people sadly with that mentality.

Okay - I'm off for a while -


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## CarolF (May 10, 2011)

m61376 said:


> I think what has happened is that engagement parties were more the norm in some religions/cultures, and bridal showers in others in our generation, but today it seems that many people are doing both.



Engagement party, bridal shower, hens/bucks night and Wedding is the norm here.  Wedding costs are so high that often many people invited to the Engagement Party are not invited to the Wedding.  The Engagement party is often larger, less formal and can include children, work colleagues, neighbours etc.  I attended many Weddings as a small child but these days not many are inclined to spend $x on a Wedding plate for their friends children.    

If you are invited to all events then a gift is expected for each event.  The Engagement gift is not as expensive as the Wedding gift.


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## m61376 (May 10, 2011)

AnnaS said:


> I did not even want to post what "most" give here to weddings on average.  Way out of had.
> 
> I, personally, also don't feel that the bridesmaids and/or maid of honor/matron of honor should be giving the shower.  Way too expensive.  I think the bride's mom and/or the grooms mom if she wants to help.  Perhaps if the maid of honor or matron is a sister and can afford to help.  If she volunteers.  Dresses, shoes, gifts, hair does add up.
> 
> ...



Couldn't agree more. I always give for the person/people, not according to the affair. I know many people determine their gift based on the type of party. I have no intention of paying for someone else's extravagance, and on the flip side if they can't afford/choose not to make a crazy affair it doesn't mean our relationship is any the less for it.

I am actually interested in what most people now give for an average. I haven't asked around for several years, and now I really can't, and we have one coming up. As I said, I was surprised at the engagement gifts, so I'm not really sure what's considered normal now.


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## Pens_Fan (May 10, 2011)

My wife and I never had an engagement party.

We had a bridal shower with the people that we worked with in Texas, knowing that they would not (for the most part) be able to attend the wedding in Minnesota.


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## pgnewarkboy (May 10, 2011)

*Go All Out*

You say you are "close" to the groom and his family.  If they are close personal friends who you will be seeing for many years to come, GO ALL OUT.  For every event concerning this wedding do the most you can comfortably do.  You can't lose out doing that.  Show them that they are extremely important to you.  You won't regret it.  Going cheap will only create doubt and discomfort.


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## Luanne (May 10, 2011)

I never had, or have been to, an engagement party.  

I keep telling my dd's "Elope, elope, elope".

To me what is important is the marriage, not the wedding and all of the hoopla.


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## m61376 (May 11, 2011)

Luanne said:


> I keep telling my dd's "Elope, elope, elope".
> To me what is important is the marriage, not the wedding and all of the hoopla.



And you are so right. Things get lost in all the hoopla.

On the other hand, I couldn't imagine not walking my daughter down the aisle, and neither could my husband, so as attractive as eloping may sound, and despite the considerable angst of the $$$$'s, I don't think I'd be happy with the alternative.


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## Luanne (May 11, 2011)

m61376 said:


> And you are so right. Things get lost in all the hoopla.
> 
> On the other hand, I couldn't imagine not walking my daughter down the aisle, and neither could my husband, so as attractive as eloping may sound, and despite the considerable angst of the $$$$'s, I don't think I'd be happy with the alternative.



I think there is a compromise.    When I say "elope" I mean the bride, the groom, and the parents.  Or, at least a small wedding that doesn't break the bank.


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## ann824 (May 11, 2011)

I have been to a lot of engagement parties in the last few years.  They are really popular where I live.  I have never seen anyone bring a gift.  They are usually given by friends of the parents of the bride and/or groom.  It is a good way for everyone to meet the bride and groom.  It is always the first party and the other ones with gifts come later.


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## SueDonJ (May 11, 2011)

ann824 said:


> I have been to a lot of engagement parties in the last few years.  They are really popular where I live.  I have never seen anyone bring a gift.  They are usually given by friends of the parents of the bride and/or groom.  It is a good way for everyone to meet the bride and groom.  It is always the first party and the other ones with gifts come later.



That sounds like the kind of engagement parties around here, too.  They're mainly hosted at a family or close friend's home to give the couple's families and friends an opportunity to get together in advance of the more-formal shower and wedding.  A few might choose to have it at a local restaurant if more space is needed. 

Engagement parties used to be very small casual get-togethers at a family home, as a means for the families and members of the wedding party to meet each other in advance of them working together on the later festivities.  They were meant to be just "let's put faces to names" opportunities.  Now they've evolved to include extended family and more of the couple's friends, but still very rarely are all of the wedding guests invited to the engagement party.  And around here they're mostly (95 times out of 100) casual with no expectations of gifts, regardless of where they're held or who is invited.


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## LUVourMarriotts (May 11, 2011)

I think a small gift would be all that is needed.  If it wasn't noted on the card one way or another (hint of registered locations, "no gift necessary", etc), then that's bad planning by the host, in my opinion.  But I would have something small if it isn't noted.

With regards to the metropolitan NY area, which I have lived since 1999, I would not use this area to compare any other area in the country.  My wedding was in Eastchester, NY, which is in lower Westchester County, NY, so cha-friggin-ching.  Unfortunately, my wife and I paid for 90% of our wedding, which put us behind on the path to buy a house, etc.  As a comparison, the flowers at our wedding, cost as much as the entire reception, entertainment, and photography at my friends wedding that took place at a very nice country club in southern NH.  We could have purchased a very nice car for how much we paid for just the reception.  Again, cha-friggin-ching.  I wanted to have the wedding in NH, where I'm originally from, when we started going around getting prices.  But of course, no.  There are places that cost more than $400pp.

I was recently in a friends wedding in MA.  The bridesmaids got together and decided it would be a good idea to have an engagement party.  They started sending emails to the guys asking for funds and we questioned the purpose.  They were planning the party for 1 month before the wedding.  They told us guys that they were doing the party as a way for the 2 families to get together and become friends before the wedding day.  So fine, whatever.  The ladies planned the whole thing and then send out an email asking for money.  They wanted $150pp plus money for a wedding party gift.  There were a total of 12 bridesmaids/groomsmen.  Seriously, $1800 for a small get together of the 2 families.  It turns out, they invited 80 people to this party.  NIGHTMARE!


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