# asking $$ instead of birthday gifts?



## travelhome (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm planning for my son's 4th birthday party. It will be our first time for a real party outside of our house. Before, we just celebrate at home with families. This time we will invite about 20 kids. These kids are from 12 families. 

Here is part of the invitation note I plan to write:
***************************************
Dear xxx and family,

J will proudly turn four next week. Your family are cordially invited to his birthday party at WHERE and WHEN. 

....

Note to parents: 
J is a lucky boy. He is blessed with all the love from family and friends. For J's 4th birthday, he would love to receive any small gift his little friends made for him. That's more than enough!. If you still want to spoil him more, we'd greatly appreciate a $4 donation to his piggy bank in place of any toy. 

*************************************************

Do you feel the note sound too weird for asking money directly? The motive is that nowadays kids have too many toys. Any new toy gets only 5 min attention. For kids this age, parents usually buy gifts (mostly toys) on behalf of their kids.  I'd rather buy toy ourselves since we know his interests better. Kids' hand made gifts would be more meaningful. To save parents money, I propose $4 (same as his age) instead of purchased gifts. 

My son hasn't had any sense on money yet. I want to introduce the concept of money/finance and guide him to saving and donation when he knows a bit more. In this invitation, I don't want to say "the money will be donated to Haiti" or anything like that as yet, because I want that to come from my son himself instead of I speaking for him. He doesn't know much about live/death/suffer etc. I can try to teach him but I don't want to show him sad Haiti images etc. 

well.. a bit off-topic. I'm wondering what your first reaction would be if you get such a birthday invitation? Or maybe you experienced parents have been doing this all along? ie. gift guidance without a gift registry? 

Thanks a lot!

Tiffany


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## Bill4728 (Jan 13, 2010)

It sound like a good idea to limit the amount of gifts a 4 year old will get.


BUT I've alway heard that the number of guests that should attend a birthday party should never excede the age of the Bday person.  IMHO, 12 kids at a party for a 4 year old is way too many guests.


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## falmouth3 (Jan 13, 2010)

Never ask for money.

Sue


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## Luanne (Jan 13, 2010)

Sorry, but I'd be offended if I received a request like this for a 4 year old.  "If" people ask what your child might like you could tell them.  But be honest, would any 4 year old say "You know I'd really like money instead of a gift"?


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## brigechols (Jan 13, 2010)

My first reaction would be WTF! We have 3 yo twins and receive quite a few birthday party invitations. I've yet to receive an invitation where the parents request money in lieu of a toy.

I am put off by persons who place a written request for money in an invitation.  Most parents generally include a gift receipt with the birthday gift. If you want to exchange the gift for cash or another toy, go for it.


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## PigsDad (Jan 13, 2010)

I don't think I would be offended, but I don't think asking for money for a 4yo birthday would be the way to go.

If you don't want that many presents for your son (and by inviting so many, that is certainly a concern), how about just stating that all gifts will be donated to a local charity?  This is fairly common for large birthday parties around here.  For example, one of my DD's classmates invited all the girls in the class to her birthday party.  That would be way too many gifts for one girl, but since all of the gifts went to a charity, the invited girls could still bring a gift (which they all love to do).  Just a suggestion.

Kurt


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## pjrose (Jan 13, 2010)

I concur with those above.

I suggest leaving out the money part, and ask parents that rather than buying a toy, you request that they limit a gift to something small made or drawn by their child.


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## sstamm (Jan 13, 2010)

Well, I must first say that I agree that 20 kids is WAY too many for a 4 year old's birthday party.  I can't imagine that the birthday child would be anything but overwhelmed.

Second, I would not like receiving an invitation which asked for money.  If people ask you for gift suggestions, that's different.

Another take on the donation of gifts: my son was invited to a party where each child was asked to bring a book.  If it was one they had particularly enjoyed, all the better.  The books were then donated to a family shelter.  I believe the mom took the birthday child at a later time to give the books. (although that child was older- maybe 8 or 9)


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## ownsmany (Jan 13, 2010)

never ask for money.  I like the idea of a drawing from each child.  That shows it's not about money spent and shows children the gifts they can create are priceless.


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## LLW (Jan 13, 2010)

travelhome said:


> I'm planning for my son's 4th birthday party. It will be our first time for a real party outside of our house. Before, we just celebrate at home with families. This time we will invite about 20 kids. These kids are from 12 families.
> 
> Here is part of the invitation note I plan to write:
> ***************************************
> ...



If I get an invitation like this, I would think that the parents are teaching the boy how to get money from others, instead of earning it himself. Teaching him how to manage finances is good, but not when it's money that his parents ask for from others instead of money that he makes. And age 4 may be too early for some kids anyways.

I would stop with something made by his friends (not necessarily a toy), or a book that he can decide on how to donate later, or no gifts at all - "just the friend's presence is good enough." Give them a choice.

JMHO.


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## calgal (Jan 14, 2010)

I too feel that asking for money, even just $4, is rude. I don't think you should include that in your invitation.


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## sun starved Gayle (Jan 14, 2010)

falmouth3 said:


> Never ask for money.
> 
> Sue



Ditto, I agree 100%.


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## Talent312 (Jan 14, 2010)

$$ for a 4-yr old? Miss Manners: Tacky, tacky, tacky, and uncouth.
----------------
Well, maybe a "state" quarter ($0.25) for a collection book.
Or if asked, "Sure, he'd love a gift card from Home Depot." [when older]


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## travelhome (Jan 14, 2010)

*How about this?*

So glad I asked for your opinion! Thanks a lot for the responses! The intention is to not let parents spend unnecessary money and not let the child being draw to the materials. Didn't mean to make money..  

How about this draft:
**************************************
Note to parents:
J is a lucky boy. He is blessed with all the love from family and friends! For his 4th birthday party, we kindly request that please limit the gift to something very small. Rather than purchased toys, J would love to receive any small gifts his little friends made or drawn for him, or a small fun book to share or just no gift at all - your presence is simply the best! Look forward to a fun night with everyone!
*****************************************

Thanks!

Tiffany


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## travelhome (Jan 14, 2010)

Talent312 said:


> Suggesting $$ for a 4-yr old? Miss Manners: Tacky, tacky, tacky, and uncouth.
> 
> Well, maybe a "state" quarter ($0.25) for a collection book.
> Or if a parent says, "Would you mind a gift card to Home Depot, instead?"



come on~~~ don't be too harsh on me 

I guess I'm trying to achieve a good intention with a bad approach.

Thanks everyone for your candid feedback!


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## calgal (Jan 14, 2010)

The new draft is much  better.


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## northwoodsgal (Jan 14, 2010)

*I've alway heard that the number of guests that should attend a birthday party should never excede the age of the Bday person.*

I've never heard this guideline before and there seems to be some logic to it.  However, I clearly remember many parents inviting the whole class (preschool, kindergarten, early elementary) to birthday parties so no individual child was left out.  That, to me, was a very nice gesture on the parent's part as some children would never be invited to birthday parties otherwise.   

*Didn't mean to make money*

Like $4 would cover the cost of having a birthday guest!!   

I like your new draft.  The message is clear that you prefer gifts from the heart over gifts from the store.  Very nice.


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## geekette (Jan 14, 2010)

The new draft is MUCH BETTER!!!


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## l2trade (Jan 14, 2010)

travelhome said:


> come on~~~ don't be too harsh on me
> 
> I guess I'm trying to achieve a good intention with a bad approach.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your candid feedback!



Asking friends for $$ instead of b-day gifts = $4
Getting advice before you make that mistake = priceless

It is a good thing you didn't send that first draft.


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## ownsmany (Jan 14, 2010)

love the new draft.


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## Kelsie (Jan 14, 2010)

Better!   We just received 2 - 3 yr. old b's invitations.  The first one asked for clothes/books, the second one asked in lieu of presents to please make a donation to their church.


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## Stricky (Jan 14, 2010)

The general rule is 1 child per year of age. More then 4 kids might be sending him the same message as getting large gifts. 4 yo do not have the capacity to manage more then 1 or 2 friends. So you need to ask yourself why are you inviting all those kids? Is it so you don't hurt their feelings, because he wants all those kids, because having big parties is the social norm?

Glad you changed the $ request.

I have to confess, I am a lazy parent when it comes to b-day parties. I have 3 under the age of 6 and we have 1 or 2 parties a month. We always go last minute to Wal-mart and pick out some $10-$20 gift. If I got your invite, while I would appriciate the idea, I would still go a buy a small gift. To make a gift is a great idea but the 2 hours it would take would add to my insanity.


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## judyjht (Jan 14, 2010)

20 kids!!!!  You must have lost your mind!!!


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## 3kids4me (Jan 14, 2010)

First child, right?  

I assume that since the kids are four, that all their parents will stay for the party...which makes this a party for kids and adults.  A little much for a four year old probably...but if you have adult friends that you would also like to enjoy, then why not?

I like your new statement, but I would even leave the comment out about the book.  Either you want them to make something and not buy something or you don't.

Good luck!


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## Transit (Jan 14, 2010)

I've *never* heard of limiting amount of guests to a childs age.I asked everyone I work with and they never heard of this. It's funny how there are different traditions in different parts of the country.


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## pjrose (Jan 14, 2010)

The new draft is great.  Typo corrections noted in CAPS:

J is a lucky boy. He is blessed with all the love from family and friends! For his 4th birthday party, we kindly request that *YOU* please limit the gift to something very small. Rather than purchased toys, J would love to receive any small gifts his little friends made or *DREW* for him, or a small fun book to share or just no gift at all - your *CHILD'S* presence is simply the best! Look forward to a fun night with everyone!

Re the 1-child-per-year guideline, I always heard that one too, and like it.  

Re the comment that "you have lost your mind," not necessarily yet, but after 20 four-year olds, you will!   

Be sure to schedule some time for yourself afterwards - massage, movie, even a quiet bubble bath.  You'll deserve it!

I think it's great that you're trying to limit the gifts.  I remember so many big plastic toys that were just overwhelming, and even cash gifts of $20-$25 for small kids - waaaayyy overboard and kind of embarrassing, especially since in some cases we were better off financially than the gift givers.


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## Stricky (Jan 14, 2010)

Transit said:


> I've *never* heard of limiting amount of guests to a childs age.I asked everyone I work with and they never heard of this. It's funny how there are different traditions in different parts of the country.



Here are a couple of sites that discuss it:
http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/partytips.htm
http://party.lovetoknow.com/1st_Birthday_Party_Invitation
http://www.essortment.com/family/familyparenting_slwv.htm


We also have our kids pick out 5 old toys they want to give away before every birthday (and Christmas).


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## mo1950 (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi travelhome.  IMO and what I have read, it is never polite to mention any kind of gift for a child's birthday party or for any party of any kind.  I think your intentions are very good, but a better way to teach a child about money is after he has received the money, with a personal conversation from the parent about helping others.  Extra and/or unwanted gifts could donated by your child to a childrens' shelter.

Another idea - even a four year old can be given some minor duties around the house with a token "allowance" for what the child has done.  It makes the children feel wonderful about themselves, and to feel a sense of independence when they save a certain percentage and make regular (even very small) donations to those less unfortunate.

Hope your child has a wonderful birthday party.  You appear to be a loving parent.


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## thheath (Jan 14, 2010)

mo1950 said:


> Hi travelhome.  IMO and what I have read, it is never polite to mention any kind of gift for a child's birthday party or for any party of any kind.  I think your intentions are very good, but a better way to teach a child about money is after he has received the money, with a personal conversation from the parent about helping others.  Extra and/or unwanted gifts could donated by your child to a childrens' shelter.
> 
> Another idea - even a four year old can be given some minor duties around the house with a token "allowance" for what the child has done.  It makes the children feel wonderful about themselves, and to feel a sense of independence when they save a certain percentage and make regular (even very small) donations to those less unfortunate.
> 
> Hope your child has a wonderful birthday party.  You appear to be a loving parent.



I think that mentioning all are welcome with or without a gift is all that is required.


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## geekette (Jan 14, 2010)

mo1950 said:


> Hi travelhome.  IMO and what I have read, it is never polite to mention any kind of gift for a child's birthday party or for any party of any kind.  I think your intentions are very good, but a better way to teach a child about money is after he has received the money, with a personal conversation from the parent about helping others.  Extra and/or unwanted gifts could donated by your child to a childrens' shelter.
> 
> Another idea - even a four year old can be given some minor duties around the house with a token "allowance" for what the child has done.  It makes the children feel wonderful about themselves, and to feel a sense of independence when they save a certain percentage and make regular (even very small) donations to those less unfortunate.
> 
> Hope your child has a wonderful birthday party.  You appear to be a loving parent.




I would be careful with tying chores to allowance.  children not motivated by money would then believe that they have no responsibility towards household maintenance.  "Since I don't want the money, I don't hafta do anything!"

But, agree that 4 is old enuf to help.  I know I was "employed" by that age.  no allowance ever.


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## thheath (Jan 14, 2010)

geekette said:


> I would be careful with tying chores to allowance.  children not motivated by money would then believe that they have no responsibility towards household maintenance.  "Since I don't want the money, I don't hafta do anything!"
> 
> But, agree that 4 is old enuf to help.  I know I was "employed" by that age.  no allowance ever.



Exactly, an allowance is not a substitute for proper parenting.


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## debraxh (Jan 14, 2010)

Although the second choice is much better than the first, I would go with option #3, something like: "No gifts please,  your CHILD'S presence is simply the best!"

If they do bring a gift, thank them immensely and put it away to be opened later -- not at the party.  After J opens any gifts later, be sure he writes a thank you, even if it's a "fill in the blank" type or a simple "thank you for the gift, sincerely, J" that he copies for each one.


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## falmouth3 (Jan 14, 2010)

debraxh said:


> Although the second choice is much better than the first, I would go with option #3, something like: "No gifts please,  your CHILD'S presence is simply the best!"
> 
> If they do bring a gift, thank them immensely and put it away to be opened later -- not at the party.  After J opens any gifts later, be sure he writes a thank you, even if it's a "fill in the blank" type or a simple "thank you for the gift, sincerely, J" that he copies for each one.



Remember, J is 4.  Do 4 year olds write these days?


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## mo1950 (Jan 14, 2010)

Have to disagree with a few of you.  It is recommended by many financial and family advisers that very young children benefit greatly by learning to earn money, and it is considered to be very good parenting.  Even if it is for simply picking up their own clothes and putting them in the hamper.  It helps to prepare children for the adult world they will eventually enter years later in their lives.

If they refuse to do whatever is asked of them, then they simply do not earn the money and a big deal is not made of it, especially for the younger children.


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## Rose Pink (Jan 14, 2010)

geekette said:


> I would be careful with tying chores to allowance. children not motivated by money would then believe that they have no responsibility towards household maintenance. "Since I don't want the money, I don't hafta do anything!"
> 
> But, agree that 4 is old enuf to help. I know I was "employed" by that age. no allowance ever.


 
If I had it to do over again, I would not pay my children an allowance for their basic chores--I would try to teach them that you do the chores as part of being a responsible citizen in the family unit.  In other words, you are to clean up after yourself and do your share of what needs to be done to keep the family and home running smoothly. 

_*After* those basic chores are completed_, if you want to earn money, there would be other chores that could be done but the basic chores would have to be completed first.

I'd do alot of things differently. 

Anyway, to the OP: how many children you invite is up to you.  I have no opinion on the matter and you know your limits and your child's limits better than I do.  As to gifts, I think it would be nice to get an invitation that said simply, _please, no gifts.  _I agree with Debraxh that if someone does bring a gift, put it aside and open it later--not in front of the other children who did not bring gifts.


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## mo1950 (Jan 14, 2010)

Rose, your suggestions sound really good to me too.  Everyone has different ideas, and different things work well with different children.

I agree that OP knows her limits as to how many to invite.  I don't see anything wrong with inviting twenty children for a party for a four year old; in fact, it sounds like a lot of fun.


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## thheath (Jan 14, 2010)

mo1950 said:


> Have to disagree with a few of you.  It is recommended by many financial and family advisers that very young children benefit greatly by learning to earn money, and it is considered to be very good parenting.  Even if it is for simply picking up their own clothes and putting them in the hamper.  It helps to prepare children for the adult world they will eventually enter years later in their lives.
> 
> If they refuse to do whatever is asked of them, then they simply do not earn the money and a big deal is not made of it, especially for the younger children.



Yeah look where all the advice from the experts have gotten us with the last couple of generations.  

Things like personal responsibility, selfless service, hard work, family values, honesty and patriotism have all but vanished.


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## pittle (Jan 14, 2010)

We always considered birthdays as a family event and only had a "big" birthday party for our kids when they were in Kindergarten.  At that time we only invited the kids in their class that were the same sex.  After that one, we just had the kids invite a few friends over for a sleep-over the weekend following the birthday.  No gifts - just a sleepover.  They did not seem to be deprived.


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## stevedmatt (Jan 14, 2010)

'Your presence is J's present'

As far as chores for cash go, I am for it. A child may not understand the meaning of money, but tell them they have to use their own money to buy certain items and they will learn the value quickly. Offer them a small amount of money to do some work around the house. They should be able to spend this money freely on whatever they want that you don't usually buy for them. Put the same amount of money in their bank account every week without telling them. After a few years, show them the balance in the account. This should also help them grasp the concept of saving.

JMHO.


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## Rose Pink (Jan 15, 2010)

I've been thinking about this thread. When my children were young it seemed at least one of them had a party to attend every other week. It got very expensive buying gifts all the time. One year, when we were driving through Arizona, I stopped a one of the native American jewelry stands that dot the highway and stocked up on necklaces and matching bracelets. I think I paid about $5 a pair. Then each time my daughter went to yet another birthday party, the birthday girl got a set. 

My DD would start planning her own birthday party months in advance. Hosting a party became very expensive as well because she wanted to invite everyone. Christmases became very expensive, too, and it felt like nothing but an excuse for a gift orgy. When DD was about six years old she started going through the toy ads. Toys R Us had a booklet in the newspaper ads. She went through that page by page and started circling the pictures of what she wanted. Finally, in a cry of despair she said, "I want _everything!  _" Another year she made a Christmas wish list that was pages long and had the items prioritized A, B, C. 

I finally put my foot down and announced to the family that enough was enough. We would spend $100 per person for Christmas and $200 for birthdays. The $200 birthday money could be spent on a party or on a gift or just given as cash--the child decided how much of that $200 they wanted to invest in a party and how much they wanted to keep for themselves. I became more sane after that. But some of the damage is permanent.:hysterical:


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## Clemson Fan (Jan 15, 2010)

We just had a birthday party for my 5 y/o son in November.  We invited his whole pre-k class of about 20 kids plus some neighborhood kids so nobody would feel left out.  Including parents we ended up with about 50 people.  We rented out our pool and community center and the party itself worked out really well.  My wife put together a bunch of games like pin the tail on the donkey, musical chairs and a piñata.

The one nightmare of the party was the gifts.  We didn't put much thought into it and just sent out a plain jane invitation.  My son got a crazy number of gifts and it was waaay to much for a 5 year old.  His grandparents already consistently get him waay to much.  We're actually in the process of packing up old gifts to give away.  I think it's great that the OP is putting some thought behind this although I agree that I would never ask for money.  If I had to do it over again I would probably aks for no gifts whatsoever.  Just come and enjoy the party.

Doing a party that size can be a lot of fun, but gifts from that many people can get out of hand and I would just skip it.  Believe me, your child will remember the games and cake and singing more than the gifts and thy won't even notice that they're missing.  You can do a few gifts at another more intimate time with just close family.


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## wauhob3 (Jan 15, 2010)

mo1950 said:


> Hi travelhome.  IMO and what I have read, it is never polite to mention any kind of gift for a child's birthday party or for any party of any kind.  I think your intentions are very good, but a better way to teach a child about money is after he has received the money, with a personal conversation from the parent about helping others.  Extra and/or unwanted gifts could donated by your child to a childrens' shelter.
> 
> Another idea - even a four year old can be given some minor duties around the house with a token "allowance" for what the child has done.  It makes the children feel wonderful about themselves, and to feel a sense of independence when they save a certain percentage and make regular (even very small) donations to those less unfortunate.
> 
> Hope your child has a wonderful birthday party.  You appear to be a loving parent.



I totally agree with this post. I think your intentions are good but really puts pressure on those parents who have tight schedules. Besides if the other 4 year old create things will your son be truly excited and praise the individual work? Would a picture of flowers from Sally make him react with pleasure? If he doesn't he could hurt feelings. Even if you train him to make a nice comment will a four year old look like he means it?


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## Rose Pink (Jan 15, 2010)

*Scrapbook*

Another random thought:
The OP mentioned cards or presents made by the children rather than store-bought.   What if the invitations said "no gifts please" and then one of the party activities was drawing a picture for the birthday child.  You control the size of the pictures by controlling the size of the paper or card stock you hand out.  Have paints, crayons, colored pencils--whatever works for you.  (I'd personally be careful about paints, though.)  Each drawing is put into a scrapbook along with a picture of the child (perhaps taken with the birthday boy) who created it.  By doing this at the party (rather than asking it to be brought to the party) relieves the other parents of having to do it and it assures each child at the party has a place in the birthday book--and it provides a built in party activity.

Put them all into a birthday scrapbook that your child can enjoy for years to come.  My children loved looking at the scrapbooks I made for them.  This would be a special birthday scrapbook--your child could have one for each year if he liked it.  It's fun (and educational) to look back at past events and remember old friends.  Your child could remember his special day all througout the year.  You have one binder on a shelf instead of toys scattered all over.  

Have your child draw, write or dictate to you his thoughts and feelings of this special day--maybe with his hopes and plans for the coming year.  He will prize that all through his life.


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## pjrose (Jan 15, 2010)

Wow, Rose Pink, that is a GREAT idea!


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## travelhome (Jan 15, 2010)

That's a great idea of making a scrapbook at the party! 

Invitation was out so will try the scrapbook idea next time. The idea of collecting small gift pieces through out the year is great too. 

My son had been invited to many b-parties before, at his friends' home or at ChuckEcheese or at community pool etc. Many times we had to hit the store before heading to the party. I also agree with some of the comments that requesting hand-made gifts may put a string on parents. I would feel a bit awkward presenting some random lines from my son plus a "Happy Bday" note from myself to the host as the gift to their child. I think this would work better and less assistance demanding to parents for kids older, maybe school age. 

I never heard about limiting # of guests to kids age. Good idea though. Our party will be a three generation gathering because some of J's friends' parents and grandparents are also our friends and my parents' friends. So I'm sure it will be fun. 

This b-party topic leads to many interesting discussions on parenting. I may as well just start another thread for some of my wondering. 

Thanks everyone!

Tiffany


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## pittle (Jan 15, 2010)

I love RosePink's idea too!  I do scrapbooking and the one I made for our grandson when he turned 5 and we took him to Disney World is still his favorite.  (Yes - we are over-indulgent grandparents!   )  I made one for him and one for me.  He loves to look at both and is 10 now.


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## sfwilshire (Jan 16, 2010)

travelhome said:


> J is a lucky boy. He is blessed with all the love from family and friends. For J's 4th birthday, he would love to receive any small gift his little friends made for him. That's more than enough!. If you still want to spoil him more, we'd greatly appreciate a $4 donation to his piggy bank in place of any toy.
> 
> *************************************************



I think anything mentioning money is a bit tacky. I would be more inclined to say "no gifts please", or "please donate to your child's favorite charity in lieu of gifts".

Asking close relatives for money instead of a gift would NOT be a problem, in my opinion.

Sheila


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## Talent312 (Jan 16, 2010)

Given the situation in Haiti, asking for donations to the Red Cross in lieu of gifts would be appropriate.


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## Phill12 (Jan 17, 2010)

I have to agree with asking for money for a four year old bad idea! 

 Seems very tacky to me and I probably would not bring my child to the party. What happen to "Its the thought that counts". 

 Just be happy that kids show up because at that age the parents really the ones your asking. All these four year olds understand is party,cake and ice cream and that is about it. 

 Some times parents just try to hard and get in the way. There four year olds,let them play and forget everything else!

 PHILL12


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## debraxh (Jan 17, 2010)

falmouth3 said:


> Remember, J is 4.  Do 4 year olds write these days?



I guess it depends on the child and circumstances. Mine was in preschool when she turned 4 and they were learning basic writing - copying the alphabet and simple words.

I remember because it was her first non-family party and we invited all the girls in her class (at teacher's suggestion) and about 10 showed up.  I used the fill in the blank thank you cards made for kids and filled in the "to" part.  We talked about what each friend had given and used a simple word (car, doll, book, toy) to describe the gift -- I wrote it down and she copied it, then signed her name.  I included a photo from the party which included the child.

It was fun for us to do as well, but I really like RosePink's idea too!


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## Zac495 (Jan 17, 2010)

Love the second draft.
You could ask for money to be donated to Haiti in his name - that wouldn't be tacky at all.

I don't think there should be rules about how many kids per birthday child - but do expect it to be a lot of work. I hope most of the parents are staying. Let us know how it goes!


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## dgdbloe (Jan 17, 2010)

You can always ask that an age appropriate book be wrapped and brought and mention in the invite that it'll be used for a book swap at the party.
Make a game of it by children in circle. Read a short story that has a repetitive word. When the word is said child passes his/her book to the right.When story over each child keeps whatever book in hand.  Another version is to play music -you stop music randomly and book gets passed when stopped. End of song it's kept
You know your child-some love parties and attention. Others don't.
At 4 it is not too young to be involved in planning and its a good way to find out if they really want party
Instead of junk  toys in goodie bags. Do fruit snacks,popcorn balls,stickers


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## rosebud5 (Jan 17, 2010)

*$$$*

The best things in life are free, but you can keep it for the birds and bee's.

Just give me money, that's all i want.... 

Kinds of tacky asking for money and suggesting it's a donation, but on the flip side, most of us would spend a lot more than $4 for a present. 

Whatever..


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## Zac495 (Jan 17, 2010)

rosebud5 said:


> The best things in life are free, but you can keep it for the birds and bee's.
> 
> Just give me money, that's all i want....
> 
> ...



I don't agree - I am certainly not saying OP SHOULD ask for donation money - just saying that the draft COULD say in lieu of gifts, please use money to donate to Haiti. I don't think that's tacky at all - but I do think it's a personal matter and not correct for everyone.


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## Ulrike (Jan 17, 2010)

I can understand what you are trying to do and find it quite noble. I agree with most of the responses.

1. Asking for money is too specific and a turn off.

2. Being so specific in an invite for a 4 year old's birthday is just kind of annoying and controling. I think the specifics of it just annoy me a bit? Does make me think "first child, overdone"...sorry not sure why, just being honest. I am a mother of 7, so I have had my share of invitations and parties a plenty. I don't like the part about being a lucky little boy either with love of family (again, annoys me ..aren't all our children lucky and loved, presumably if you live in the same community??) ...do you think your child is more loved than mine?? (sure you are not implying that, but it just bugs)

3. 20 kids are way too many. I am suspecting this party will cost you a good few hundred, because parents will stay and if you have food or drink. I am imagining pizza for 30.If that is what you're planning great.

4. What about the child? A child's birthday party without any gifts?..I recall that being the highlight and holding them off till the end, after cake, open gifts, then a clue to all the party is over.I don't like getting a ton of gifts and most of them are a waste, they have a good time with them then it's over. (Yeah a waste). Although a 4 year may enjoy the company of a few of his friends, when he gets his next birthday invite he will be assumed to bring a gift, what will he think of that? I just suspect by the time he has his say in it,you will be leaving it alone and just sending out the traditional party invite like we all do.

I like the theme gift giving, like "my child wants to help the orphanage and bring a book, but obviously that can't come from a 4 year old". I kinda don't think he wants a picture drawn either, what happens when he glances at the picture then tosses it aside?.... either you go all the way and make it a Haitian Birthday Celebration (all gifts will be donated), or you just leave it alone and keep it the old fashioned way.

ON THE MOST POSITIVE NOTE......Since you are already thinking this way and are so concerned about it, I am sure your child will grow up to be a giver and nonmaterialistic, as I am sure you implement these characteristics in many other areas.

Whatever you decide to do is your choice, but I'd kinda roll my eyes at your invite, but if my child wants to be there.I'd be there and I'd bring whatever you asked, if you told me you were donating the money and asking for $4.00, I'd at least give you 20 and maybe a little gift for the child, just because it's his birthday and opening gifts is FUN!

initial reactions...no offense


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## Zac495 (Jan 17, 2010)

Ulrike has a point - little kids like  gifts - LOL.

I also agree with Ulrike that you are smart to teach your child (though 4 may be young to get it) that there's way more to life than STUFF.


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## hvacrsteve (Jan 18, 2010)

*I wouldn't let my kid go!*

It is rude, in my opinion to ever ask for money other than if you want nothing, and are only accepting donations to a charity for example!

I know its only $4.00, but its the thought of it!
My .02 anyway!


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## Mel (Jan 18, 2010)

IMHO, a request to make a donation in liue of gifts should come from the Birthday child, not from the parents.  I understand you want to teach your child about having fun without the gifts, and about giving, but I don't think his birthday party is the time to do that.

If you ask for gifts that will be donated, why not instead tell your son you would like him to pick an "old" toy to donate for each new toy recieved as a gift (or he can choose to donate the new toys, but that would be HIS choice).  If all new toys are expected to be donated, what happens when he takes a gift to someone else's party?  What happens when he sees that child playing with that toy later - and he assumed that the toy would be donated, just like the ones from his party?

When a toy donation is the idea of the birthday child, that child will be excited to see what toys are brought, fully understanding that they will be donated.  When the parents make the decision, the child may resent that decision (particularly once he knows other kids get to keep their presents).

I didn't hold parties for my children until they were in school (5th birthday in preschool), and they were small, with only 4 or 5 children.  If I had held a large party, and didn't want so many gifts I would have included a note that gifts are not necessary, and indicated that if the child wanted to give a gift, books (or something similar) would be appropriate).  I hate the policies some schools now have regarding sending invitations home through school - if invitations are distributed at school, please include all classmates.  Not only do I not want a party with 20 or more kids, but I also think there is value in a child deciding which friends are most important.    I don't look at it as a question of who is excluded, but of who in _included_.  By the same token, I don't want to send my child to a birthday party of a child she doesn't particularly like, just because she was invited.


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## scrapngen (Jan 18, 2010)

Mel said:


> I hate the policies some schools now have regarding sending invitations home through school - if invitations are distributed at school, please include all classmates.  Not only do I not want a party with 20 or more kids, but I also think there is value in a child deciding which friends are most important.    I don't look at it as a question of who is excluded, but of who in _included_.  By the same token, I don't want to send my child to a birthday party of a child she doesn't particularly like, just because she was invited.



You have probably never been in a position where invitations were only given to select people at school and then had these people talk excitedly at every break about how fun the party is going to be, what to wear, etc. etc. Very hurtful to the ones NOT invited - therefore I fully agree with school policy to invite everyone if handing out invites at school. If the child wants a smaller group, then send the invitations in the mail or on evite! That's what we do at our school and it keeps the chatter down about the party. Also allows the parents to remind the kids not to talk at school in front of those not invited. Evite is the best as you can see who else is invited, and make carpool arrangements!


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## myip (Jan 19, 2010)

Mel said:


> By the same token, I don't want to send my child to a birthday party of a child she doesn't particularly like, just because she was invited.


You have a choice of not going to the party.


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