# What do widows do on their wedding anniversary?



## mtngal (Jun 15, 2013)

I'm new to this widowhood thing, my husband passed away very suddenly in January.  Next month would have been our 32 wedding anniversary.

What do widows do on their wedding anniversary?  Do they just treat it as another ordinary day - go to work and go home, fix something for dinner and go to bed?  I'm somewhat afraid I'd end up spending the night in tears (something that happens every so often, probably too often) if I do that, but can't think of anything else.  Does one try to ignore the date and not face the pain of not having your loved one by you for it?  Or is there a way to acknowledge just how important that date was for so many years, but not dissolve into tears and painful emotion?  Is there some way to honor the date and the long-term relationship, to honor that special person, too, without getting hysterical?

What do other widows or widowers do?


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## Mike&Edie (Jun 15, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am not a widow but my brother died suddenly last year and my sister-in-law is going through similar pain.  Everyone is different but please stay busy and try not to be depressed for too long.  Do you have kids you could have dinner with or something like that?


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## Passepartout (Jun 15, 2013)

How about a nice dinner out with good friends? A stage show? DW suggests perhaps something 'decadent', like a massage, facial, or new outfit, or ??? It's OK to remember your special someone and the good times you had together without melting into a puddle of tears. Maybe not totally yet, but as time passes, the pleasant memories will endure longer than the painful ones.

People DO get over the grief, but will honor the departed for the rest of their life, and from time to time something happens that triggers stronger emotions. Anniversaries are some of those times.

Pleasant memories to you.

Jim


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## vckempson (Jun 15, 2013)

I know two people that have done something similar, though it was actually others that precipitated it.  In one case, the widow had children who came home and went out to dinner.  In another it was friends who took her out.  In both cases there was a certain element of celebration for the many years happiness that they together.

There's no reason you can't precipitate that with kids or friends.  No need to make it creepy of anything.  Just tell them, you don't want to be alone and would like to be with friends or family to help get through that special day.  I would expect most anyone would respond positively to spending time with you on that special day.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 15, 2013)

My sister loss her husband VERY suddenly this past October. She got herself into an immediate grief group and one on one individual grief consultng.

Those are some of the topics the grief group sessions work thru. She totally recommends the group sessions and had mentioned to me, there are people who REPEAT the grief series as they can handle it OR when they feel they have reach either a stumbling block or don't feel like they are happy or moving along.

The individual sessions are with a totally different professional person plus she had put in her retirement papers several weeks before he colapsed on the floor and basicly died.


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## Fern Modena (Jun 15, 2013)

The first year the ladies from my dining group and I went to dinner at one of Jerry's special places.  The second year I spent alone, and I was fine with it.

Near the anniversary of Jerry's death I go to the cemetery for a few minutes. It is the only time I go there all year.  I know he isn't really there, but there is a plaque commemorating his life and death there.  And the symmetry of the place and knowing he's among friends helps me.

It does get easier as time goes on. but there are still many times I wish he was here to share things with, to talk to, etc. 

We were married 32 years as well.

Fern



mtngal said:


> I'm new to this widowhood thing, my husband passed away very suddenly in January.  Next month would have been our 32 wedding anniversary.
> 
> What do widows do on their wedding anniversary?  Do they just treat it as another ordinary day - go to work and go home, fix something for dinner and go to bed?  I'm somewhat afraid I'd end up spending the night in tears (something that happens every so often, probably too often) if I do that, but can't think of anything else.  Does one try to ignore the date and not face the pain of not having your loved one by you for it?  Or is there a way to acknowledge just how important that date was for so many years, but not dissolve into tears and painful emotion?  Is there some way to honor the date and the long-term relationship, to honor that special person, too, without getting hysterical?
> 
> What do other widows or widowers do?


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## JudyH (Jun 15, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss.  With my father, all of us took him out for dinner.  The first year, his anniversary was a week after his wife died.  We took him out the following year also.


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## mtngal (Jun 16, 2013)

Thanks for the ideas - they help bring a different dimension to the problem.  Fern, I figure I'll get some flowers, he used to always give me flowers on our anniversary.

I'm probably feeling sorry for myself for an entirely different reason, but the whole thing about the anniversary hit me like a ton of bricks today.  I was trying to figure out how to get to do some fairly major things that need to be done, do something I wanted to do and fit in a family obligation when I realized that the week following what I wanted to do but had decided wouldn't happen because of the family obligation was my anniversary.  For the past 15 years we always took time off around it and spent it with my Mom.  But since it's mid-week this year I have no plans to take any more time off (a co-worker will be taking it off anyway) and the time suddenly loomed huge and empty.  

I tried the "be kind to yourself" tactic for my birthday last month, worked like a charm.  Unfortunately, my budget has yet to recover from my extravagant spending spree (new camera and accessories, RAID device, washer, and dryer).

So that's why I was looking for other ideas, what others do to get through the time.  Whatever I do will be low-key, I'm sure something will work out.  I'll be OK once I quit feeling sorry for myself and just get on with doing what needs to be done and taking care of family obligations.  That's more important than play anyway.


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## artringwald (Jun 16, 2013)

Our daughter's husband was killed in a car crash 6 years ago, and she's had a hard time with anniversaries. She makes the best of it by treating herself to a day at the spa which gives her some time to herself, and then has a party with her 4 children. Everyone has to find their own way to get through the grief and loneliness. Friends and family helped, but she also was helped by attending a widows and widowers group. I hope you can focus on the good times you had together, remember the fun you had, and be thankful that you were able to share those 32 years.


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## Talent312 (Jun 16, 2013)

If you're not into the grief-bit, which is certainly acceptable and many of us do...

How about a party in the tradition of an Irish wake: Have friends, neighbors and relatives drop by to reminisce, eat and most importantly, drink to excess, primarily Irish whiskey.
.
.


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## Patri (Jun 16, 2013)

My sympathies to you. Your grief is your own, and how it affects you is okay, no matter what. The day will always be special to you. You can plan something or just let it happen.


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