# Saturday is the day... Dear Dad



## Zac495 (Oct 6, 2011)

So Saturday Dad moves into assisted living - alone - without mom. He said, "I'm scared. It's the end." It's so sad - my sister and I struggle because it's right for Mom right now - she can't take care of him - probably right for Dad. I know I've posted about this a lot lately.

But the day has come. And I wanted to tell my Tug friends about my dad. My brilliant, college professor Dad who wrote a best selling psychology text book and who was one of the most beloved profs at U of Penn.

Dear Dad,
As you go to assisted living, I want to tell you how you assisted me with my life. Without you, I would never have become a teacher. I wouldn't have gone back to college after my stupidity. I didn't deserve that second chance. It cost you a lot of money to pay for my stupidy. Dear Dad, without your assistance, I would never have believed in myself. Even today, you still ask me how I'm doing. You ask about my kids, my husband, my life, my vacations. You care. You assist me with my life. 

Dear Dad, I hope you're happy there. I will visit you every week. I will keep playing bridge with you. I will always assist you as you assisted me. I will never leave you.

Dear Dad, making this decision is so painful for me. I'm sure it's more painful for you. I hope I can help you with the transition.

Love,
Ellen


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## MelBay (Oct 6, 2011)

Bless your heart.  I know how painful this is.  You're a great daughter, and he's lucky to have you.  Hang in there.


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## Stressy (Oct 6, 2011)

Dear Ellen,

You are everything in a daughter that your Dad could have ever hoped for.

Bless you.


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## KCI (Oct 6, 2011)

Ellen,  what a beautiful message to your Dad.  I hope you have told him this in person...good luck...I know how hard this is as I have walked in your shoes.


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## JanT (Oct 6, 2011)

Ellen,

My heart breaks for you.  I know this is so difficult for you and your family.  You wrote a beautiful tribute to your dad.  God bless you all.  You are in my heart and prayers.

Jan


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## Sandi Bo (Oct 6, 2011)

Ellen,

I can't imagine how hard this must be. You are doing what is best for both of your parents. You know you are making the decision for all the right reasons.  What an awesome tribute to your Dad. He sounds like an amazing man and you are an awesome daughter. Best of luck, keep us posted.

Sandi


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## Timeshare Von (Oct 6, 2011)

God bless to you and your family Ellen.


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## falmouth3 (Oct 6, 2011)

Every person is different, but I can assure you that my mother is alive today because she's in assisted living.  She took to it right away and enjoys most of her days there.  At home, even with an aide, she was declining fast.  I hope it benefits your family as much and that your father adapts quickly and well.

Sue


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## djs (Oct 6, 2011)

Assisted Living is a nice way to go.  My Dad put his Mom in one years ago, and it was a much better way for her to spend her final days than a nursing home would have been (for various reasons my Mom's Mom wound up in one).  Sorry to put it in these terms, but personally I've only known of one person who went to a nursing home and actually went back home.  You aren't only doing the right thing for your Dad, but your Mom too.   

Although your Mom probably could take care of him, that's just not fair to ask of her.  Hopefully you and she will be able to visit him on a reguar basis.  

I've got 100's of more thoughts on this issue, but just don't know how to post them on a bulletin board.


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## MuranoJo (Oct 6, 2011)

Ellen,
Those thoughts for your Dad were so touching.  
I tried to get my Mom into assisted living, but she refused until she got so bad there was no option but a nursing home.  After that, she went downhill so quickly.

I really believe if she had been in assisted living, she would have lived much more happily, much longer.

You are making tough decisions, but my bet is they are the right ones.


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## Passepartout (Oct 7, 2011)

We had to spring DW's dad from a nursing home last Spring and get him home to Wisconsin and into assisted living. He's not happy with it, and says everyone there is a 'nutcase'. In the last 2 weeks he's been in the ER with pneumonia - discharged back, then a day later back to ER with a heart attack. Discharged and back 'home' today. We'll see how long this time. I don't have a good feeling about this. 

Anyway, Ellen, I know how you feel. I was my own Mom's caregiver for 3 years, but you never know how long it will be when you commit to it. 

Your letter(s) to your Dad were touching and certainly came from the heart. He will know that you are doing the best that can be done for both your parents. It is tough, but is a rite of passage. This will allow your Mom and yourself to care for your selves as you know you have done the best for your Dad.

Jim


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## vacationhopeful (Oct 7, 2011)

Ellen,
As you live in the area, I want to explain to you TIME has no meaning to a parent who has memory issues. Go when he is alert - most likely in the morning. Take him his favorite beverage (sweets is not a good idea as to the sugar effect). Bring older pictures to look through - for new pictures, its better have a Ipad thing to show him what is new in your world.  

Find out IF you are allowed to take him for a drive - to see the fall colors or to the mall or to get his hair cut. I was the only person who could take my mom out of the nursing home (wheelchair included) - she was a resident for 16 months before she passed - I took her regularly to the beauty salon (including Mother's Day weekend) 2 weeks before she died. Then to Friendly's Ice Cream for a treat and to watch the kids. I also took her to the dentist after falling several times for tooth extractions ($996 for each way in medical transportation if I didn't drive her myself - Dad could not).

Yes, my Dad visited her daily for months and months; she was very unaware  her surroundings - including her 3 other roommates; but she still enjoyed and rallied when for oldtime memories. A truck ride was the roller-coasters she loved as a teenager; the beauty salon visits were the treats of the war years when nothing else could be brought after all the depression years of suffering.

And go more often than once a week - even if the visit is only 5 minutes to drop off some treat or check on him. It helps the staff to fear you and pay more attention to what he is wearing, shaved and out of his bed.:ignore:


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## Zac495 (Oct 7, 2011)

Thank you so much, everyone, for the nice comments - and the positive messages from those who have gone through this. I really do hope this is positive for him.

Yes, we will visit more than once - I am a teacher which of course makes life complicated - it's not the type of job I can take lunch and work late. But I will be there (this weekend Sat and Sun)

He's still pretty alert - he is tired a lot - probable sleep apnea which we're working on. And Mom will definitely take him out to dinner at least 4 nights a week. So we will not let him languish there alone. I also have a sister who loves him very much - she lives in NY, but she comes to visit often.

Thanks again - I'll update you after the move.


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## MelBay (Oct 7, 2011)

And no one tells YOU this, but be sure to take care of YOURSELF.  Seriously, I've been there & done this.  At some point I accepted that my situation was what it was, and even if I spent 24 hours a day there, nothing was going to to back to the way it was.  It was very, very hard for me to spend too much time there - it's certainly no amusement park.  And if I went two days in a row, she'd say "You haven't been here in a month" when I arrived on day 2.  And when I spread it out to once or twice a week she'd say "you don't have to come check on me so much".  It was just a no win situation, so I decided I had to make myself happy.

I'll keep you in my prayers.


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## pianodinosaur (Oct 7, 2011)

Dear Ellen:  

You father is a very kind and loving man.  Unfortunately, the best thing about growing old is that it beats the alternative.  May G-d give you strength and peace of mind.  Your father and mother have been blessed by having you as their daughter.

pianodinosaur


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## MRSFUSSY (Oct 7, 2011)

wishing you, hugs, good thoughts and all the best.


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## shagnut (Oct 7, 2011)

Ellen, this is one of the hardest decisions you will have to make but you did a great job.  I'm sure your Dad knows deep down in his heart that you had to do it.  Most of our parents if they could would stay at home but that is usually not an available option.  

I know when I had to put Mom in assisted living I cried all the way home. It took almost 6 mos before she finally said , hey this isn't all that bad.  

Hang in there and we're here if you need us. You are a good daughter.  s

Hugs, Shaggy


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## Rose Pink (Oct 8, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> So Saturday Dad moves into assisted living - alone - without mom. He said, "I'm scared. It's the end." It's so sad - my sister and I struggle because it's right for Mom right now - she can't take care of him - probably right for Dad. I know I've posted about this a lot lately.
> 
> But the day has come. And I wanted to tell my Tug friends about my dad. My brilliant, college professor Dad who wrote a best selling psychology text book and who was one of the most beloved profs at U of Penn.
> 
> ...


Some choices are painful, even when they are the right choices. You and your father have made the right choice. You can be at peace with that. 

Your letter was beautifully phrased and will help both you and your father as you undergo this transition in life. It was a reminder to me that we need to express gratitude more often to the ones we love and not procrastinate. I had a friend die about a week ago. She had been my friend and neighbor for 19 years. She'd been ill for some time and I always meant to visit her, etc. Somehow the time just got away from me. I finally sent her a card. I'd like to think she received it and read it. She died about three days after I mailed it. When I was in college, I felt I should write a letter to my father. I did. I don't know if he was able to read it. He died the day it was delivered. I like to think he was able to read it before he passed away.

So, I urge people not to procrastinate. You never know when is the last time you will see a person. If you have thoughts of someone, feel the need to tell them you love them (or that you are sorry for something), do it. Just do it now. Life may not give you another chance.


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## Jaybee (Oct 8, 2011)

Ellen, your note is beautiful, and touching, and obviously from your heart.
Tug has a great support group, and you've gotten some very helpful and experience-rich suggestions.

This is the day, and I pray that it isn't as traumatic as you fear, and that your dad will understand that it was the best answer.  I know that's easy to say when we're on the outside, looking in.  (I'm not sure my mom ever understood enough to forgive me, until her mind wandered completely away. 
Love and hugs, and many good wishes coming your way.


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## GregT (Oct 8, 2011)

Ellen,

I just saw your thread and it really resonates with me -- my best wishes to you and your whole family and best hopes for your Dad.   Your note is a beautiful tribute to a fine man.

Best,

Greg


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## ada903 (Oct 8, 2011)

Ellen, what a beautiful and brave letter!  Thank you for sharing.  We all need to do the same more often for the people we love.


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## suesam (Oct 8, 2011)

Ellen, 
Having a parent with memory issues is one of the hardest thing we as children will have to go through. You are obviously a wonderful daughter. I teach a Dementia For Families class and one thing I always tell people is even if you can not visit for a long period of time just being there for 10-15 minutes and giving your loved one a hug and telling them you love them is enough to give them a "Moment of Joy", a term coined by Jolene Brackey a wonderful expert on dementia care. Also just calling....telling him that you love him is enough to give him joy. You do not have to do BIG things, requiring a lot of time, small things have BIG impact. 

Taking him his favorite foods as someone else suggested is a great way to show you care. Giving him fond memories back by talking about great moments in his life can also be a great gift. Learn about dementia and what it feels like to have dementia. Hopefully the assisted living your dad will live in has education for families. If not ,find your local Alzheimer's Association and get some videos to watch on how to communicate with a person with memory loss and how to enhance his quality of life on this journey.  

God Bless you Ellen in this difficult, difficult time in the life of your family. 
Sue


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## Zac495 (Oct 8, 2011)

So we took him there. He kept asking where Mom would be - and saying "it's the end" and then he asked me if he had been a good father. I told him that he was the best father a child could ever dream of having. What fortune to have grown up with him (and Mom). 






And he told me how much he loves my kids.
And then when we left, he panicked. So I'll go back tomorrow. I saw the back of his head as I left and thought....... he did so much. I wish I could do more.

And to my dear TUG friends - please know that your words are helping - every comment. So THANK YOU.


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## pjrose (Oct 8, 2011)

Oh Ellen, what a difficult time for all of you, but what a beautiful letter.  Your father looks so professorial; I can just see him as the emeritus professor who occasionally bops into the department.  And what an open friendly face; I'm sure he had students in his office all the time!  He could fill right in for almost any of my favorite profs or advisors.

I have often thought of how our society tends to group together elderly people who may have nothing in common except their age and perhaps physical or mental condition. Awhile ago in a thread about over 55 living I was assured that there are many activities and interest groups with plenty for everyone.  I realize assisted living is different, but hope there are compatible people and interesting activities to help make his days go better!


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## heathpack (Oct 9, 2011)

Hi Ellen,

I can tell from your posts how hard this has been for you.  If it makes you feel any better, many years ago I worked as the dining room girl in a nursing home.  I was sixteen, it was my first job. I still remember my patients vividly, even though it has been nearly 30 years and they all have surely passed away by now.  I took my job very seriously, had everyone's diets memorized and most importantly I came to realize that for many of my patients, the meals were the highlight of their day.  I had the ability to make that mealtime even better and I always tried to do so.  I would never leave until everybody had what they needed, if they didn't like what they were served I'd go in the kitchen and cook them what I could (unfortunately our cook would just leave after the meal was served, he was not supposed to).  Nothing elaborate, but if it was allowed on their diet and I knew how to make it, they could have anything in the kitchen while I was working.  If they needed help buttoning their sweater and then immediately wanted it unbuttoned, I'd help them with that too.  If I knew someone loved bananas, I'd put an extra one aside.  I also learned a lot- how to be patient, to listen to people, to try to figure out what they needed.

I worked at that job until I turned 18 and went to college.  It's still one of the best jobs I ever had.

I only say this all because I know that people worry that nursing home/assisted living workers won't really care about their loved ones and I'm sure there's some that don't particularly.  But there are plenty of people who work in nursing homes/assisted care facilities because they DO care, not just about the technical aspects of the patient's needs but about the whole person.  Hopefully that helps a little.

BTW, now I am a veterinarian.  I love dogs, period, and it doesn't take too much to motivate me to help them however I can.  But I cannot tell you what an even HUGE-ER motivator it is to me when I can see how very beloved one of my canine patients is.  I am always very moved by this, and then I try even harder.  The assisted living staff will see this too when you visit your Dad and it will make a big impression, I promise you.

My best to you all.  I can only imagine how difficult this all is.

H


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## Zac495 (Oct 9, 2011)

PJ - you're right! He's still such a prof. He keeps saying he desperately wishes he could still teach. Well actually maybe he could , but he wouldn't be able to hear any questions.

Heath - Your post moved me - thanks. I can tell the people really care - that's what I see. I pray they are the same to Dad when I'm not there.  I'll see him again today for bridge.


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## Zac495 (Oct 9, 2011)

*Bad first night*

He was lonely and isolated. The nurse wouldn't tell him what his pills were for and he couldn't sleep (though he has a lot of trouble sleeping anyway). The next morning the guard demanded ID which he didn't have. He said it was awful and was told there was no X X (Dad's name) registered. The manager finally intervened. His NY times didn't come and he was generally miserable. He's at the house now (Mom's).


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## falmouth3 (Oct 9, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear that.  Completely the opposite of what happened to my mother.  She was instantly involved in the activities and they put her at a dining table with women they thought she'd like.

I can only hope it gets better.

Sue


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## pjrose (Oct 9, 2011)

That sounds very strange, especially the ID part.  I'd be talking to someone in charge about that!


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## Jaybee (Oct 9, 2011)

Ellen, thank you for posting that picture, so we could all see your dad, and share what you must be feeling.
It reminded me of how my mom used to walk out with me, and stand there, waving, when I drove away.  It was heartbreaking, believe me.
When we moved back to California, and Mom needed to go into a nursing home, we brought her up to one near where we lived.
I spent so much time up there, I decided to volunteer with the Activities Dept. (That was the most upbeat dept.)   Before long, they hired me to work part time.  It was very enlightening work, and i learned a lot, as heathpack did, about patience and understanding.
If I were you, I'd find out if there's an Ombudsman assigned to that facility. They can be very helpful if you encounter problems.  Hugs..


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## Rose Pink (Oct 9, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> He was lonely and isolated. The nurse wouldn't tell him what his pills were for and he couldn't sleep (though he has a lot of trouble sleeping anyway). The next morning the guard demanded ID which he didn't have. He said it was awful and was told there was no X X (Dad's name) registered. The manager finally intervened. His NY times didn't come and he was generally miserable. He's at the house now (Mom's).


"The Guard?" Is this a real incident? I only ask that because when my FIL was in the memory care center, he often told me stories about the guards/teenagers/whoever beating him up or threatening him. He would mention that the mother or the administrator had had to have a talk with those bad boys. He never had a bruise on him so I don't think these stories were true. He also saw dragons on the wall and tiny spiders on his bed and was convinced my husband was converting a silo into an apartment building. He was also convinced that the guards/whoever were building a room up inside the top of his closet and it looked identical to his room. They kept him hostage there. These were recurring themes and he often expressed how impressed he was with my husband's hard work on that silo.  

Then there was the day he called my husband in tears because there was something awful happening. I went to see Dad and he told me he had had a revelation and was told to "take heed, the end of the world is here and this is where one of the nuclear bombs will be dropped." He was in tears and convinced that part of the building had been burned down. I asked the staff if they had had a fire drill or anything that Dad could have misinterpreted. No, just another day as usual. Then there were the shootings and the dogs being run over by the cars out in the street. None of it was real. Dad had delusions and hallucinations made even worse by urinary tract infections. I went to the nursing home early in the morning and later in the evenings, unannounced to see if I could find anything amiss. Always, the staff were caring and kind. It was just Dad. 

He had Parkinson's dementia which often manifests with very negative nightmarish delusions and hallucinations. 

For people that think Alzheimers is bad, I'd take that any day over Parkinson's dementia.

If this was a real incident, I am sorry it happened.  At least you know there is someone who is checking for people who do not belong there--although I seriously doubt your father could be taken as a threat.  Also, it may have been another resident, not a staff member.  Get to know them if you can.  When you take him back to the facility, stay as late as you can with him.  Have meals with him there.  If you treat it like home, he is more likely to feel comfortable, too.


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## falmouth3 (Oct 9, 2011)

What Rose says might be true.  My mother routinely tells me things that I know are absolutely not true.  She says she does nothing all day, yet she has prizes from the games she's played that day.  Or there was no entertainment, and I ask about chairs being set up and then she tells me about the entertainment.


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## Sandi Bo (Oct 10, 2011)

Ellen -

What a nice picture.

I had a very dear aunt that had to be put into assisted living. It seemed to take her 1-2 weeks and then she settled in.  It was amazing that she did as she was violently opposed to leaving her home. 

It took a couple places before she settled in somewhere. The 1st one she ran away from so she was put in a hospital (locked up) for a couple weeks. She actually settled in and seemed comforable there. After the evaluation, they took her to a 3rd place and it just felt right. She settled in within a week or so.  It amazed me that she adapted so quickly. The staff was very caring and she she was in a safe place.

And she did say things that we knew weren't true or were irrational. My mom took her to church almost every Sunday and visited all the time (maybe averaged every other day). Mom would take her to church and listen to my aunt tell everyone how no one ever visited her and how she never did anything.

It wasn't easy but it had to be done. In the end she was where she needed to be and I think she was happy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!  Hang in there.

Sandi


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## Zac495 (Oct 11, 2011)

Rose Pink said:


> "The Guard?" Is this a real incident? I only ask that because when my FIL was in the memory care center, he often told me stories about the guards/teenagers/whoever beating him up or threatening him. He would mention that the mother or the administrator had had to have a talk with those bad boys. He never had a bruise on him so I don't think these stories were true. He also saw dragons on the wall and tiny spiders on his bed and was convinced my husband was converting a silo into an apartment building. He was also convinced that the guards/whoever were building a room up inside the top of his closet and it looked identical to his room. They kept him hostage there. These were recurring themes and he often expressed how impressed he was with my husband's hard work on that silo.
> 
> Then there was the day he called my husband in tears because there was something awful happening. I went to see Dad and he told me he had had a revelation and was told to "take heed, the end of the world is here and this is where one of the nuclear bombs will be dropped." He was in tears and convinced that part of the building had been burned down. I asked the staff if they had had a fire drill or anything that Dad could have misinterpreted. No, just another day as usual. Then there were the shootings and the dogs being run over by the cars out in the street. None of it was real. Dad had delusions and hallucinations made even worse by urinary tract infections. I went to the nursing home early in the morning and later in the evenings, unannounced to see if I could find anything amiss. Always, the staff were caring and kind. It was just Dad.
> 
> ...



Yes - it was real. He doesn't have Alzheimers - he's got some dementia but it really happened - the director apologized and is having the situation handled. 

I have been going a lot. Last night I had dinner there. Today Mom had breakfast. the hard part is that he can't hear making it difficult to talk to other residents.

What is an Ombudsman?


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## K&PFitz (Oct 12, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> and then he asked me if he had been a good father. I told him that he was the best father a child could ever dream of having.
> 
> And he told me how much he loves my kids.



That part really got to me.  All he accomplished in his life, yet you can see what was most important to him - being a good father.

I pray everything goes well for you.  Things are likely to get better when he gets settled in.  My mother-in-law is 92, and resisted moving into assisted living.  She, too, thought it was the beginning of the end. But she made a number of friends, and admits it was the right thing.  I hope your dad will find some bridge playing buddies.


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## Rose Pink (Oct 12, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> Yes - it was real. He doesn't have Alzheimers - he's got some dementia but it really happened - the director apologized and is having the situation handled.
> 
> I have been going a lot. Last night I had dinner there. Today Mom had breakfast. the hard part is that he can't hear making it difficult to talk to other residents.
> 
> What is an Ombudsman?


Hearing loss can really isolate a person.  Sometimes, it can seem like a person has dementia when really it is a hearing problem.  Does he have hearing aids?   If he's had hearing loss for a long time, his brain will have to get used to interpreting sound again.  We pushed and pushed Dad to get hearing aids but he refused because he didn't want to pay for them.  I finally took him to a place that gave a 30 day trial and just never got around to returning them on time.   Dad never knew I'd paid for them out of his account.  Then, again, after awhile he refused to wear them any more and just became more and more isolated.

An ombudsman is a person who investigates and mediates complaints.


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## Zac495 (Oct 12, 2011)

Rose Pink said:


> Hearing loss can really isolate a person.  Sometimes, it can seem like a person has dementia when really it is a hearing problem.  Does he have hearing aids?



Yes he does - but they get filled with wax. But suddenly he's hearing better! I took him out tonight. He said some sad things like, "Dying is a pain in the neck." I told him he wasn't dying. He said life as he knew it was over. I agreed, but said it was a new chapter.

But he's beginining to adjust as many of you said! He likes the workers there, though he hasn't made any friends and he misses my mom (who has dinner or breakfast with him - but still - they don't live together since the move)

It's  looking up though. 
Dear Dad,
I sure love you! This change in life is showing me how to prepare to grow old with grace and stamina. You're reminding me to always work out and eat right  - even though you didn't do those things. You helped me make the decision to buy the LTC insurance so I can choose a nice place if I need it one day. Most importantly, Dear Dad, you're reminding me about what matters most - the people in your life - family being most important, but also those around you (such as these friends I call TUGGERS) who will listen when you ask. You have reminded me never to isolate myself. So thanks, Dear Dad, for being the best dad in the world.
Love,
Ellen


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## CarolF (Oct 13, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> Yes he does - but they get filled with wax. But suddenly he's hearing better!



The staff often forget to check the batteries and clean out the wax.  There are lots of different types/brands of hearing aids and they usually come with a set of tools for cleaning.  Some staff have no training with hearing aids, some staff are familiar with some brands but not others.  Sometimes they are so busy, they fit the aid each morning without actually checking that it is functioning.  Fitting a non-functioning aid hampers their hearing even further.  

I suggest a family member (or regular visitor) get maintenance instruction (and tools if you don't have them) and schedule it as part of a visit.  When you go, check that the battery is working on each occasion, Dad (or the staff) might remove the aid then forget to disconnect the battery.  Stock up on batteries.  

If Dad makes lots of wax, discuss it with his doctor and get a regular programme in place to keep the ears clean.  Syringing the ears of elderly people can sometimes be painful for them (dementia patients can get upset too), avoid any unnecessary procedures if you can.

As Rose Pink said, hearing loss can really isolate a person.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this Zac.  You are doing a great job.


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## m61376 (Oct 13, 2011)

Ellen-

Patients with attentive families do much better, both because they know they are loved and because the staff (whether right or wrong) is more attentive to those patients' needs. So know that your frequent visits, and your Mom's and sister's, will have a huge impact not only on your father emotionally, but ultimately on the staff and the care he receives.

Hopefully over the ensuing weeks he will be able to become more involved with the activities there and adjust. It is a difficult time for everyone, and I know it was an incredibly hard decision. But now that it is made, don't second guess yourself. 

Hope your father remains alert and continues to enjoy your family's love and support!


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## Glynda (Oct 13, 2011)

*Ellen*

I am in the process of preparing a house we bought in June in Charleston for my 90 year old mother to move in with us.  Mother and I have had some very shaky years together as she was a bit of a "Mommy Dearest" in my youth and critical throughout my lifetime.  However, she is a remarkable woman.  She's worked hard all her life, still growing her own veggies and putting out 80 bags of mulch in her yard.  She loves to cook and feeds her neighborhood and friends in Florida.  She plays cards twice a week though the group is dwindling from deaths and Alzheimers.  She volunteers at the Hospice thrift shop once a week.  But she fears she will lose her drivers license in February when it comes due and the house and yard have just become too much for her.  She's ready to give it up.  She's not sure she's ready to leave Ft Myers or live with us but is willing to try.

I've been dreading it but your post Ellen, has given me an increased resolve to care for my mother, helping to preserve her dignity and active lifestyle as long as I can.  

Life is really a cycle of having been cared for by our parents, raise our own kids and then when we think we are free to become more fully ourselves, we have to care for our aging parents.  I hope I can do so as sincerely and with as much heart and love as you are for your dad.


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## Zac495 (Oct 14, 2011)

Yes, family showing up is critical - I believe that is the case at assisted living and hospitals with the elderly in particular (of course it's all elderly at assisted living). In hospitals, I don't believe the elderly are considered priority without a family member hovering.

Glynda,
I'm so glad you'll try - even if not for your mom, for yourself.I'll tell you - death is final (not religious conversation here - I mean the objective end of the body) and those left behind can be destroyed by guilt for what they didn't say or do. 

I certainly am not saying anyone should or shouldn't do X Y or Z, but I do think we should all - for ourselves if no one else - try to make peace with those important people (parents/kids) no matter what life was like with them earlier (short of physical or sexual abuse)

I'm SO lucky to have parents who are just amazing. Dad wrote the #1 best selling Psych 1 Text book in the country. Mom is the most famous linguist (short of Chompsky) in her field alive today. And they made sure my sister and I became the best we could be.  I hope I am living up in my kids' eyes. I try.

We all have to face getting very old and in need of care (unless we die young, God forbid). That is so scary (either is scary). 

Tuggers, thank you for all your comments. I read each one with deep gratitude.


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## Zac495 (Oct 27, 2011)

Dad does NOT want to stay. He's begging us to get him out - and into assisted. We are out of our minds - don't know what to do.

He says he's isolated and most people there are worse off than him. He wants to go to unassisted living but apparently the doctor gave him a DX of dementia (mild - ???) and I don't know what to do next.


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## DeniseM (Oct 27, 2011)

I think I would ask the Dr. to tell him that he is not well enough for unassisted living and does not qualify to move there.


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## Zac495 (Oct 27, 2011)

DeniseM said:


> I think I would ask the Dr. to tell him that he is not well enough for unassisted living and does not qualify to move there.



Yes that's just what we did - emailed the doctor. But what if he's okay? They fixed his hearing aids and got him into a sleeping pattern and he's totally different now.

This is SO hard. Thanks for listening.


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## vacationhopeful (Oct 27, 2011)

Ellen,
You need to be strong and understand - some days are better than others, but it is a downward slope in their abilities. Your dad won't get better. Part of him knows and feels this is wrong for him at this moment in time. But he is not able to live alone or be alone. He will wander, get lost, have accidents and falls.

You and your dad HAVE to find your own way. *And your mother has to be involved.* She can not be aloof and have a separate life (washing her hands of him). This may be a major reason your dad is so upset and depressed. Remember, his feelings are very real. 

My dad waited hand and foot on my mom while she had years of mental impairments. He only moved her to a nursing home when she had had 24hr care in the house for 6+ months and parttime care for the 7 months before that. He visited her for hours twice a day, mourning her absence from his abode. 

As for my dad's decline, we shipped him coast-to-coast twice. And up and down the Eastern seaboard six times. All in under 3 years. But he only lived 4 months in assisted living. 

As I told my RN sister multiple times, "YOU have TWO elderly parents. You can not dump one and leave the other to be alone. It is better to keep them together." And I was shouting that at her 3,000 miles away. Multiple times. And our parents live within 5 miles of me. Your Mom seems to be my sister - clincial and book read. 

Take command. And yes, it will be a major hinderance in YOUR life too. They are YOUR parents. There is nothing political correct about bedpans and adult diapers.


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## Zac495 (Oct 27, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> Ellen,
> You need to be strong and understand - some days are better than others, but it is a downward slope in their abilities. Your dad won't get better. Part of him knows and feels this is wrong for him at this moment in time. But he is not able to live alone or be alone. He will wander, get lost, have accidents and falls.
> 
> You and your dad HAVE to find your own way. *And your mother has to be involved.* She can not be aloof and have a separate life (washing her hands of him). This may be a major reason your dad is so upset and depressed. Remember, his feelings are very real.
> ...



Linda,
Mom goes and visits - she can't go at night due to night blindness. I go a lot and pick him up and meet her. Yeah, he wishes she lived where he does, but she won't - she won't do it and like you said - i have 2 parents and need to respect both of their needs. Her needs are to continue working and living.

But thank you for reminding me there will be ups and downs. I have to stay strong. I really fell for his sadness today.


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## pjrose (Oct 27, 2011)

Are unassisted and assisted in the same complex?  Could he perhaps go into unassisted for awhile, then move up to assisted later?


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## glypnirsgirl (Oct 27, 2011)

pjrose said:


> Are unassisted and assisted in the same complex?  Could he perhaps go into unassisted for awhile, then move up to assisted later?



I was in this spot with my father in law 3 years ago. Once he was diagnosed to require assisted care, no doctor was willing to step up and say that he could get by with unassisted. 

I have no idea whether they were correct or not. Once he went into assisted living, we took him on outings twice each week until he told us that we were wearing him out. Once we stopped taking him out, he went downhill really quickly.

I know NOTHING about medicine, but I want to share an observation that I made. It appeared to me that once he was moved into assisted living, my father in law's hydration was inadequate. Because he had to have all of his liquids thickened due to problems swallowing, he did not have open access to water. And without the water, he seemed subject to urinary tract infections. And the UTIs seemed to cause an increase in dementia.

It became a terribly vicious cycle. 

Ellen, my heart goes out to you going through this process. I went through it with my mother who became disabled in her mid 50s (and took her own life at 63 because she absolutely refused to be a burden to us), then my mother in law, then my father in law. 

Last Spring, my dad had a stroke and I left for Oregon immediately. He has largely recovered. He now needs to use a walker. And he cries very easily. This is a shocking transition for me - my dad was an all-state athlete in both basketball and football - and to see my big, strong daddy shrinking and getting feeble is heart-breaking.

The one thing about the transition is it does help to prepare you for being without them. It was so shocking to lose my mother - she could not get around, but her mind was fully intact - she just was fiercely independent.  And such a relief for my mother in law and father in law to be out of their pain. 

The whole process is painful.

elaine


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## DeniseM (Oct 27, 2011)

Ellen - I have been in the same position with both my mother and my grandmother.  You have come to the place where you are now parenting your parent, and just like with your kids - sometimes it takes tough love. 

Remember when your kids were little and you had to insist upon something because it was the best thing for them, even though they hated it and they said you were the meanest mother in the world?  You are now in that position with your dad, and you have to do what's best for him, which often will not be what he wants.  What he really wants is to be young and healthy again, and sadly, you can't give that back to him.  What you CAN do is keep him safe, and well-take care of, and give him your time and love.  

He hasn't been there very long, and it sounds like he hasn't started to adjust yet.  I think this is one of those situations where it usually gets worse before it gets better.  Is the Dr. giving him anything for his anxiety?  It might help him make the adjustment.  

Hang in there!


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## lvhmbh (Oct 28, 2011)

Reading all this makes me realize that I was very lucky!  My Mother moved down here and lived with me for a while.  We both enjoyed it but.... SHE decided she ought to go into Assisted Living where she could be involved with more activities (she was going to a senior center) and where she would have care if she had another heart attack.  She wore a medical assist but everyone was still nervous when she was alone.  She decided after they came and got me off the golf course (pre-cell phone) when she had an "episode".  We did some research and found a facility that was close by with an "independent living" side and an assisted living side.  There was a long waiting list but we knew someone who supplied the nursing aides so.....  Anyway, she really got involved and that made a difference.  Remember coming in one Friday and being asked if I wasn't going to "services".  I was confused and said, but I'm not Jewish and found out they thought we were because my Mother was attending.  I asked her why and she said it was interesting.  
I hope your Dad adjusts and I sincerely feel for you.  Linda


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## Zac495 (Oct 28, 2011)

PJ – As Elaine said, once diagnosed assisted necessary, they won’t move you. His personal doctor is going there this weekend (or Monday) to reassess him to be sure he’s in the right place. That will be very reassuring. I assume she’ll say he belongs there and say Denise and Linda are right – it takes a long time to adjust.

Mom and I are having dinner with him tonight. I can’t wait to see him. Talking to him on the phone last night listening to him plead with me to help him – that he was isolated and that the others were so much further gone – and that he hated the food – oy – it was dreadful.
Part of me wants to see him revert back to confusion – that will ease my mind and know he’s where he belongs. The other part of me wants to see him back in the ocean with me when we were kids diving for lobsters and delighting in our catch. Mostly, I’d like to see him teach or direct a show again. That’s what made him happiest. Now he’s just a shell of himself and it’s so painful.

Your comments are helping me get through this. I know there are people who feel an open forum of “strangers” is the wrong place to talk about personal things, but I don’t care. You guys have made this so much better for me, and words can’t express my gratitude.


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## bjones9942 (Oct 28, 2011)

My 98 year old Aunt lives in a retirement center outside of Phoenix.  They have different levels of care to accommodate their 'guests'.  When she first moved in, it was just an apartment in a place with a lot of other people her age.  Since then she's progressed from that to partial help, and now to assisted living.  It seems that the 'assistance' they provide is basically cleaning and making sure she's taking her medications, although I'm sure they would assist with her bathing schedule as well.

When she first moved in, it was with 2 of her sisters and her brother.  They've since passed away (all had Alzheimers to varying degrees), and now my Aunt keeps busy with card games, weekly excursions and watching movies with her boyfriend from down the hall (he's in his 80's - it's a scandal!).  I call her regularly, and visit at least once a year.  Last year we celebrated her 97th birthday by taking a cruise to Mexico!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that while there are certainly some horrible places, there are good ones as well.  You get out what you put in too.  If the food is horrible, talk to the chef and ask for something different.  If no one is talking to you, make the first move and talk to them.  If everyone else is worse off than you - well, I'd thank my lucky stars for that!

Hang in there!


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## rapmarks (Oct 28, 2011)

my two aunts live together in a two bedroom apartment in assisted living.  one aunt takes care of herself, she gets her medication daily, and they clean the apartment weekly, they do her laundrey and they give her all her meals.  the other aunt has alzheimers.  they wake her up, assist her in grooming and dressing, get her down to the meals, and of course dispense her medicine.  the aunt that is better off goes to all the activities.  
It would be so much better if both parents could be in the same place.  by the way, neigther of my aunts can hear either (and my mother can't either).  I really feel for you and i have been through the "I don't want to be here" with my mother in law who had Alzheimers and didn't know us the last 6 years of her life.


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## pjrose (Oct 28, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> PJ – As Elaine said. . . .
> 
> Your comments are helping me get through this. I know there are people who feel an open forum of “strangers” is the wrong place to talk about personal things, but I don’t care. You guys have made this so much better for me, and words can’t express my gratitude.



But this is TUG.  We aren't strangers.  Many of us recognize each others' TUG names, know where we're from and where we vacation, remember our assorted questions/ passions/ issues.... Non-TUGgers just wouldn't get it


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## bogey21 (Oct 28, 2011)

One thing I advocate is that those of you going through this with your parents take the steps necessary to ensure that your children won't have to go through this with you.  I am 76 years old, divorced with 3 grown children and live alone with my German Shepard but, and this is the big "but", I am already a rseident of a CCRC (have been for 10 years now) with all levels of care available.  I have my own fully furnished apartment; maybe twice a month I sleep there; about 4 or 5 times a week I eat, pick up my mail, socialize and participate in their activities.  I probably know 50% -60% of the residents on a first name basis.  When (if) the time comes that I need to move in permanently all I have to do is gather up a few clothes (most of my clothes are already there), give my German Shepard to my Son, and move in permanently.  Hopefully, not pain or strain on my children.

George

Another thought.  Some of you might wonder about the cost.  Basically it is about double of what a Long Term Care Policy bought relatively late in life would cost.  In addition about 40% of my bill is tax deductible as "prepaid medical expenses".


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## Zac495 (Oct 29, 2011)

bogey21 said:


> One thing I advocate is that those of you going through this with your parents take the steps necessary to ensure that your children won't have to go through this with you.  I am 76 years old, divorced with 3 grown children and live alone with my German Shepard but, and this is the big "but", I am already a rseident of a CCRC (have been for 10 years now) with all levels of care available.  I have my own fully furnished apartment; maybe twice a month I sleep there; about 4 or 5 times a week I eat, pick up my mail, socialize and participate in their activities.  I probably know 50% -60% of the residents on a first name basis.  When (if) the time comes that I need to move in permanently all I have to do is gather up a few clothes (most of my clothes are already there), give my German Shepard to my Son, and move in permanently.  Hopefully, not pain or strain on my children.
> 
> George
> 
> ...



We bought LTC insurance so we can afford it.
Dad is in a very good (and expensive) place. Last night was just heartbreaking with him begging to leave. He said he's working hard to get in better shape physically so he can be in unassisted and his doctor will re-evaluate him. Part of me thinks he can do it with an assistant. But I guess assisted living means you don't need an assistant. He said , "I won't make it here." My family thinks he's in the right place, but I'm not sure...


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## DeniseM (Oct 29, 2011)

Ellen - You have said very little about how your mom is responding.  What does she say about your dad wanting to leave?  Do you think that maybe she is actually happy to be separated from him?


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## Zac495 (Oct 29, 2011)

DeniseM said:


> Ellen - You have said very little about how your mom is responding.  What does she say about your dad wanting to leave?  Do you think that maybe she is actually happy to be separated from him?



Mom is doing well. She got a great apartment and she is working and writing and traveling. She's happy to be away from the stress and work of taking care of him. She needed her own life back.

It's so hard to have to choose between their needs.


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## vacationhopeful (Oct 29, 2011)

Ellen,
Kicking and screaming is how many people start to realize that a parent is failing mentally or physically- sometimes it is a 911 emergency call, a neighbor or most of the time, the resident sibling who is demanding/forcing them to help.

I called and got next day visits from Texas sister to PHL. The California sister took her 2 weeks of vacation and while here, begged work for a third week off (leaving her 2 teenage girls who she helicoptered 24hrs a day). My sister 2.5 hours away was here 1 or 2 days every workday week and 2 weekends a month. My brother drove here from Nebraska, stayed for 22 hours and drove back - based on a phone call from the California sister. This happened for closed to 8+ years as during my parents' final years.

Yes, there were times which we had to cover for a sibling. My sister had to MOVE her family into a better school system - without the resident aide or my Dad figuring it out (he would have thought she had stolen his money). We promised her a month totally to her; two sisters came for 10 days each. She packed and moved; had her old house sale fall apart at the settlement table; and sold it again within 30 days (nothing like a bridge loan to cause panic).

I am glad Zoe is back to her thing; tell your sister, these are DATEs you need her in PHL to cover Dad with her full weekend visits (Fri afternoon thru Sunday 7PM).  It is only 1hour 15 minute flight between the 2 cities.

If Dad is calling you all the time, tell your sister you are forwarding those calls every 3rd night to her and every third night to Mom. Isn't technology great! I would get a second cell just for Dad's calls (and Assisited Living's) to do that. I would turn off the regular cell and house phones until they understand life ain't perfect.

Another way to help Dad is, as you leave to go home at night, use his phone to call your sister. You escape as she makes nice-nice; much less stressful on you. 

As the local child, I got more than my fair share of emergencies and visits to my parents. But I have to say, my siblings really were involved. We still all like each other and do things together (like vacations, regular visits and phone calls). A lot of this equal footing did evolve due to my parents' illnesses.

Who has POA and MPOA over your Dad? If you don't, then your Mom must be the #1 call person (and only person) who can tell the Assisted Living anything. Legally, you can't.


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## Zac495 (Oct 29, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> Ellen,
> Kicking and screaming is how many people start to realize that a parent is failing mentally or physically- sometimes it is a 911 emergency call, a neighbor or most of the time, the resident sibling who is demanding/forcing them to help.
> 
> I called and got next day visits from Texas sister to PHL. The California sister took her 2 weeks of vacation and while here, begged work for a third week off (leaving her 2 teenage girls who she helicoptered 24hrs a day). My sister 2.5 hours away was here 1 or 2 days every workday week and 2 weekends a month. My brother drove here from Nebraska, stayed for 22 hours and drove back - based on a phone call from the California sister. This happened for closed to 8+ years as during my parents' final years.
> ...



Mom is #1 call but I did ask her what happens if something happens to her and she said she thinks that's in the paperwork (she added POA to my sister and me) but she's checking that out. 

My sister drives down every 6 weeks or so - the weekends Zoe competes we just won't play bridge. I do have some guilt about that, but that's life. I have to do this for my daughter - and me.

Actually Dad never calls - he doesn't know how to use the telephone. Icalled him today and it's very hard because he's so deaf. Must be very isolating for him..


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## vacationhopeful (Oct 29, 2011)

Can you teach him to text? Or video chat on the computer?

Once every 6 weeks?  Is that really acceptable to YOU? Seems she spends more time driving to PHL than visiting/helping? Like I said, only 75 minute flight down ... SWA had $100.40 RT tickets recently.

Remember, kicking and screaming is the normal means to get siblings involved. You might need to do some major league kicking and screaming at her.


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## Rose Pink (Oct 29, 2011)

Ellen, I went to visit my FIL every day at first, then three times a week, then two and then sometimes only every other week.  He never did like the place but he wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere but home anyway.  

We carefully avoided calling it a nursing home or assisted living.  He was familiar with the county senior centers where he used to go for lunch so we told him this was a senior center that allowed people to stay overnight.  

After several months, as his mobility got worse and worse, he started saying he thought he needed to go to a nursing home.  I considered moving him to one just to make him feel he was being listened to but I knew it would not be any better--and probably worse--than where he was.  He had a private room where he was and I knew he wouldn't have one at a less expensive nursing home.

You just can't win.  If the facility where he is now is clean, well-staffed and friendly then moving him isn't going to help.  You probably had to pay a hefty admittance or intake fee and each facility is going to want one.  It can get pricey moving from place to place.

Sometimes, it is best to not visit as often so they can settle in.  He misses his wife.  I know she wants her active life but she is still his wife.  She is comfortable not visiting as often, take your cues from her.  I know--oh, how I know--how painful it is to see your father in this state and not be able to take away his pain, his fears, his loneliness.  You just want to make it better, but you can't.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can find peace.  Some things you just can't make better.  And it's okay.  It really is okay.

I ran across this quote from C.S Lewis today and found a measure of peace in it.  I share it hoping it will do the same for you:

"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?  There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."

Your father's trials, and your pain in watching him go through them, will end one day.  Better things lie ahead for him.  He will be happy.  He will find peace.  You can take a measure of comfort in that, even though it won't take away your pain.

Tug hug.


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## Rose Pink (Oct 29, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> ..You might need to do some major league kicking and screaming at her.


Every situation is different.  I did major--MAJOR--kicking and screaming and mostly I just got a headache and major irritation.  I blame my fibro flare-up on the stress of dealing with my FIL's slacker family.


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## pjrose (Nov 1, 2011)

Zac495 said:


> We bought LTC insurance so we can afford it.
> Dad is in a very good (and expensive) place. Last night was just heartbreaking with him begging to leave. He said he's working hard to get in better shape physically so he can be in unassisted and his doctor will re-evaluate him. Part of me thinks he can do it with an assistant. But I guess assisted living means you don't need an assistant. He said , "I won't make it here." My family thinks he's in the right place, but I'm not sure...



I'm not sure either.....what other options are there? Is there a less-assisted level in the same complex? Or could he go back home or live with your Mom with live-in help? Or did you try the live-in help thing already?


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## lvhmbh (Nov 2, 2011)

Here in Florida it is called "Independent" living.  In the facility my Mother went to the Independent side had apts. for singles and couples.  They had buses to take them to shop (same as assisted) and their own dining room.  They had a little store that I would go over to and the people had walkers as well as totally mobile.  They also had emergency cords in their apts.  Linda


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## Zac495 (Nov 2, 2011)

lvhmbh said:


> Here in Florida it is called "Independent" living.  In the facility my Mother went to the Independent side had apts. for singles and couples.  They had buses to take them to shop (same as assisted) and their own dining room.  They had a little store that I would go over to and the people had walkers as well as totally mobile.  They also had emergency cords in their apts.  Linda



So the update is that his doctor says he must be in assisted living as he can't manage meds and is incontinent. However, he CAN learn to take the shuttle up to the "main building" where the "fun" takes place. He can eat there. He can socialize there. So tomorrow I am going there and we will role play how to ask for a shuttle. We'll go up to the main building and find the main grill (better food I hear). We'll role play getting the shuttle back.

One of my best friends is going with me tomorrow which is so kind.

Mom is out of town giving a grand talk - she's super famous.

I'll report back! THANKS ALL


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## glypnirsgirl (Nov 2, 2011)

Ellen - I hope you and your dad find a good solution - this one sounds like it has possibilites - I hope that it goes well.

elaine


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## ondeadlin (Nov 3, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> Once every 6 weeks?  Is that really acceptable to YOU? Seems she spends more time driving to PHL than visiting/helping? Like I said, only 75 minute flight down ... SWA had $100.40 RT tickets recently.
> 
> Remember, kicking and screaming is the normal means to get siblings involved. You might need to do some major league kicking and screaming at her.



You can't make an adult sibling get more involved if they don't want to.  All you'll do is damage your relationship with your sibling.


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## vacationhopeful (Nov 3, 2011)

ondeadlin said:


> You can't make an adult sibling get more involved if they don't want to.  All you'll do is damage your relationship with your sibling.



I have very good relationships with my 4 siblings. And was the onsite sibling as both of my parents aged. And truthfully, the relationships improved with open and honest discussions on the care and their interactions AND HELP needed with our parents. 10 minute weekly phone calls with my parents on the speaker phone hid many problems from the siblings. My closest sibling was a 2.5 hour trip to the house; the furthest was a 3,000 mile plane ride away. 

IMHO, resentment damages relationships more.


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## Zac495 (Nov 4, 2011)

Agreed - no anger with my sister at all. She feels guilty enough living that far away. She emails with me - she talks on the phone - and she visits as often as she can. She's a college prof. What can she do? AND she appreciates what I do - appreciates that I am doing more and says thanks.

Meanwhile, Dad was able to do the shuttle run with me last night. Then we went out to dinner with a friend of mine (beautiful girl - he loves beauties) and he was HIMSELF 100% (other than hard of hearing). He was witty and brilliant - talking about deep subjects and adding humor. Delightful. Go figure!!!!

It was so nice seeing him again! I think seeing that he can go the main building lifted his spirits.


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