# SOB! DH's driving privileges stripped (dementia)



## Cathyb (Dec 5, 2012)

Yesterday our neurologist tested my DH's memory and it has decreased to the point of taking his driver's license.  This was real a blow to him -- kind of like stripping him of his male presence.

Another blow was being told that if you go into Independed Living/Memory Care and the organization feels he cannot live with you due to his memory loss -- they move him permanently into another building for memory.

Can anyone verify that?  I am heartbroken.  It makes me want to forget the 'nursery' living and just move closer to family into an apartment.

So sad


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## Passepartout (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy, I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose one's independence, and having a driver's license signifies just that. We had to have my FIL's DL revoked just over a year ago. He was a danger to himself and others. Be thankful that your DH's loss was more administrative than what might have happened if he'd been driving and had an accident. It's for the best.

As to whether there is a reason you can't continue to live together, you'd have to check with the intake office for the different memory care facilities in your area. I'm sure this is a decision each one makes internally than a state-or area wide rule. Call around. 

Around here, and back in Wisconsin where we had to place my FIL, it was more a matter of which facility had space than some rule. Beds in memory care units of skilled care facilities are scarce and expensive.

My heart does out to you, but you are doing the right thing by your DH. This knowledge will help you stay strong. 

All the best.

Jim


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## puppymommo (Dec 5, 2012)

So sorry you both are going through this.  I agree with Jim you need to call around various facilities to see what their procedures are. 

Good luck finding the best situation for both of you.


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## Beaglemom3 (Dec 5, 2012)

A good resource (my cousin used these fine folks for a second opinion and "other options" resource). This may/may not be close enough to you (my cousins live in San Luis Obispo). They offered options that weren't presented for my Aunt's care.

http://memory.ucsf.edu/


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## DaveNV (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy, I can't offer more than encouragement to you as you work through this tough challenge.  Here's hoping things work out for the best, and a big emotional hug.  

Dave


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## Pat H (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy, I'm sure the Dr. is doing what's best. We took the keys away from my dad and it was very sad for all of us. When we were looking for places for my parents to live, one place insisted that my dad had to be in assisted living. They ended up going to another place in independent living. Look around and you may be able to find a place that will allow you to live together but has care available if needed.


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## suzanne (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy, I'm so sorry to hear your going thru this. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

Suzanne


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## VacationForever (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy,
I am a strong believer of aging in place/at home.  Even with a dementia diagnosis or advanced dementia, one can continue to live at home.  You will need home care help to provide you respite and the way to do so is through a good home care agency.  Unless your husband is combative and I assure you that only a low percentage of people with dementia are combative, there is no reason to move to a memory care unit.  Most of the folks who live in memory care units, also known as locked down units, are there because they are combative and are a danger to themselves or to loved ones around them.

Wish you all the best while you go through the process.
Take care.

SP


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## LAX Mom (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy,
So sorry to hear about this situation with your husband. It must be very difficult for both of you. Best wishes to you & your family.
Lisa


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## Zac495 (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy I'm so sorry.
There are some places that mix everyone. My dad is one of them (not to live with Mom but to be around people who are "more there,"). Atria. http://www.atriaseniorliving.com/
They have them in many cities. We've been very pleased with dad's care. The assistance "goes to him." You pay X for the room and board and then Y more for the amount of care each person needs. 

Lots of love,
Ellen


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## vacationhopeful (Dec 5, 2012)

Us kids of our Dad stripped 27 full sets of car keys away from my Dad and still found MORE sets after he died. We had a fulltime aide in the house (live-in, 24X7 hours a day) who found him outside telling the tow service from the dealer ship that the car just was not running. The home health aide, in full uniform, had to convince the driver to NOT tow the car for repair. 

This is just this month's slide away --- just keep in focus the positive and live in the here and now. That way you can be happy that you still have each other.


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## GregT (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathyb said:


> Another blow was being told that if you go into Independed Living/Memory Care and the organization feels he cannot live with you due to his memory loss -- they move him permanently into another building for memory.
> 
> Can anyone verify that?  I am heartbroken.  It makes me want to forget the 'nursery' living and just move closer to family into an apartment.
> 
> So sad



Cathy,

I am so sorry to hear this -- my heart goes out to you and your family during these difficult days.   This is a brutal disease and is tough on the entire family.

When the time comes (down the road -- hopefully far far down the road) please take comfort in knowing that a professional organization (such as Silverado in Encinitas) is very well equipped to take care of the patients needs.   My Mom stayed in her own home for 6 years after diagnosis and went into Silverado last year when the needs became too great -- but it took our home care agency to tell us that the time had come, we didn't see it on our own.   We now recognize Silverado is the right place for her, but it was tough for my Dad to agree to -- and still is.

Again, I am so sorry to hear, I wish you all the best.

Greg


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## Kay H (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy,
I'm so sorry to hear of your family situation.  I was grateful that we didn't have to do this with either of my parents. Hopefully you will find what is best for both of you.  My best to you.


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## Beaglemom3 (Dec 5, 2012)

Although there's no "good way" to accomplish this, IMHO, you are doing things correctly.

My BIL(an auto mechanic)  disabled my late Mum's car when she started to show signs of marked forgetfulness and lapses in judgement. We (the whole family) kept telling her that we'd take the car in for repairs and just kept putting her off. We didn't have the "heart" to take driving away from her in a mature manner. We really put the "fun" in dysfunctional family. ..... Apparently it was the family (we/us) who had the lapse of judgement here..................

One day, she called AAA and had the car towed to the repair shop !

True story. Never doubt the resourcefulness of an Irish Mother.

I feel for you.


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## Passepartout (Dec 5, 2012)

Beaglemom3 said:


> she called AAA and had the car towed to the repair shop !
> 
> True story. Never doubt the resourcefulness of an Irish Mother.



I can beat this. My aunt who, as the end approached, and nutty as fruitcake, simply called the dealer and had a new Lincoln delivered. We didn't know about it until a salesman showed up in it and wanted some signatures.

Jim


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## Beaglemom3 (Dec 5, 2012)

Passepartout said:


> I can beat this. My aunt who, as the end approached, and nutty as fruitcake, simply called the dealer and had a new Lincoln delivered. We didn't know about it until a salesman showed up in it and wanted some signatures.
> 
> Jim



 Smiling ! Just when I thought nothing could've been worse ! Ha !


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## TF865 (Dec 5, 2012)

Hi Cathy, I am a geriatric social worker at the VA and often help people with these kinds of situations as part of my job. If your husband just so happens to be a vet, get connected with the VA as we have great supports that enable people to stay safely at home as long as possible. If not, or in conjunction, you need to get connected with your local office of the aging. Though much excellent advice is offered here, the best thing you can do is get professional geriatric care management services to help you make long term care plans. I agree with the posters who said to first try to get support at home. I find that discussions about a higher level of care are often premature. Not saying it shouldn't be part of future planning, just that it may not need to be your immediate concern. I took the liberty to look up information for you there in San Diego. Your local Office of the Aging in SA County offers "Aging and Independence Services - AIS provides services to older adults to help keep clients safely in their homes". They will be a wealth of information and educate you on what services are available. You can call them at 800-510-2020. My best to you and your family!


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## Icc5 (Dec 5, 2012)

*Losing Driving Privilage*

Hi Cathy,
Sorry you are having to deal with this situation.  We only had to deal with the driving part for my Mom.  I have 4 sibblings but I was the one that decided to tell my Mom that for her own good and others she needed to stop driving.  She had a few minor close calls and what I told her was "how would she feel if one of the close calls injured or killed someone"?  She at first threatened to disown me which I told her that didn't matter to me but her life and others did.  She relented finally.
We now take her a few times a week (3 of us live close by) and just a few months ago one of my brothers retired.  So far it works for us.
Bart


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## pianodinosaur (Dec 5, 2012)

Dementia is a hideous disease that kills the patient's family. I was involved in a situation where we revoked an elderly surgeon's operating room priveleges because we saw evidence of a dementia.  It was a very sad day for all of us but I know we did the right thing.

May G-d grant you strength and wisdom.


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## Dori (Dec 5, 2012)

Cathy, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Decisions like this are always devestating to the family, and especially to your husband. Know that your friends here on TUG are with you in spirit.

Dori


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## falmouth3 (Dec 5, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear this news, Cathy.  I know you've been worried about him for a while.  While this must be very difficult, there are better support systems now than ever before.  Any you have us to talk to whenever you need to.

Best wishes,
Sue


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## bogey21 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm starting to look at this from the other side.  Although dementia is not my issue I am 78 and am finding my driving capabilities slowly fading away.  Right now I will only drive in day light and on roads (and highways) I am familar with.  I can see the day coming when I will be voluntarily turning in my keys.

George


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## MuranoJo (Dec 6, 2012)

Cathy,

So sorry to hear this news, and my thoughts are with you as you go through this difficult time.  

Jo


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## Jennie (Dec 6, 2012)

Dear Cathy,

As sad as it is to see your husband stripped of his drivers license, be grateful that it occurred before he or some other people were hurt. With proper medication and treatment, he might even be able to drive again in the future. 

Members of your TUG family have suggested some good resources for you to explore.

Most of my older friends and relatives have stopped driving on their own. I recently met a 92 year old woman who had been driving daily up until 2 years ago. She added up the cost of car maintenance and repairs, gas, and insurance and decided it would be more cost effective to sell her car and take cabs wherever she wanted to go. Many communities have arrangements with local cab companies to provide deeply discounted prices for seniors.

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 18 years ago. She was widowed and lived alone. We didn't even realize the problem until about 2 years after it began. She became very combative and somewhat paranoiac and her doctor told us to start looking for a nursing home for her. But once she was on medication (Aricept), there was gradual improvement. A few years later, with her doctor's approval, we added 3 soft gels a day of "Cognitex", a natural supplement sold by the non profit Life Extension Foundation www.lef.org .There was further improvement over the next 6 months and she remains much better to this date.  

Mom is now 96 years old and still lives alone (her choice). My husband visits her daily for about 3-4 hours, and prepares all her meals. She honors his wish that she never leave the apartment without him. A home aide comes twice a week for 4 hours. Guess what Mom really enjoys--watching Jeopardy on television. My husband is a truly brilliant man but Mom blurts out most answers quicker than he can. And yet there is still a lot she cannot do because of this awful disease. But she is very happy and content. 

A Visiting Nurse  comes once a year to determine if Mom is receiving adequate care. On her visit last month, she told my husband that Mom is functioning in the top 1% of women her age, even compared to those who do not have dementia.  

Cathy, I mention all this so that you can know that your husband may not get worse, and may even improve. Hopefully you will continue to have the same loving, caring relationship you have enjoyed for years. Make sure that he takes a good quality multi vitamin each day and eats a healthy diet. There is so much research going on and they may find a "cure" for dementia in the coming years. It's best not to make any radical changes yet. Don't assume that he will get much worse. 

You two will be in my prayers each day. Good luck!


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## jerseygirl (Dec 6, 2012)

> Unless your husband is combative and I assure you that only a low percentage of people with dementia are combative, there is no reason to move to a memory care unit.  Most of the folks who live in memory care units, also known as locked down units, are there because they are combative and are a danger to themselves or to loved ones around them.



I'm not sure this is accurate.  Many non-comative elderly people are in lock down units to keep them from wandering off.  Rarely does a week go by here in Florida that we don't see a "Silver Alert" sign on the highway.  Similar to an Amber Alert, it's a notice to be on the lookout for a specific car (the color, model and license plate are listed).  It breaks my heart every time I see one.

Wishing you the best Cathy - I know how hard this can be.


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## Cathyb (Dec 6, 2012)

*Thank you all!*

Want to thank all my TUG family for your words of wisdom. I am sitting here with tears flowing down my cheeks -- BUT a little wiser from your inputs.

Our family all live in Orange County (about 40 miles north) and that is where we plan to relocate -- now sooner than a little later.

It was encouraging to read that not all Independent Living/Memory Care housing are the same and that some may let DH live with me at least at first.  We have been like 'two peas in a pod' our whole marriage, doing everything together.  My heart has a hollow ache starting.  It's so difficult to see a top college scholar not be able to find his pajamas now or constantly losing his cellphone.

Thank you again for being there to let me 'spout'.


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## Cathyb (Dec 6, 2012)

Ellen:  How are you doing (I have ben following your progress) and thank you for the input!  There are Atria facilities near us and in fact two that I was planning to visit.  Gee, I hope their policies are similar to yours where my DH can continue to live with me -- at least for a while.


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## ricoba (Dec 6, 2012)

Cathyb said:


> Want to thank all my TUG family for your words of wisdom. I am sitting here with tears flowing down my cheeks -- BUT a little wiser from your inputs.
> 
> Our family all live in Orange County (about 40 miles north) and that is where we plan to relocate -- now sooner than a little later.
> 
> ...



I don't have any wisdom or any advice, but I do sense how really hard this is for you. 

Both my parents are in their mid-80's and it looks like we may be hosting them for a good portion of the winter this year. While they are increasingly becoming frail, I am thankful they are not suffering from dementia.  Their doctor has said that since they have come this far, Alzheimer's isn't a consideration for them.

On-the-other-hand, I worked with a lovely couple who had to move back to King City from LA to live with his mother to care for her due to her Alzheimer's.  It was a tragedy in that she had always been a quiet mild mannered ministers wife who because of this terrible disease turned into a foul-mouthed, angry, hateful woman. 

Again, no real words of wisdom, just letting you know I am wishing you all the best as you experience this new phase of life.


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## VacationForever (Dec 6, 2012)

jerseygirl said:


> I'm not sure this is accurate.  Many non-comative elderly people are in lock down units to keep them from wandering off.  Rarely does a week go by here in Florida that we don't see a "Silver Alert" sign on the highway.  Similar to an Amber Alert, it's a notice to be on the lookout for a specific car (the color, model and license plate are listed).  It breaks my heart every time I see one.
> 
> Wishing you the best Cathy - I know how hard this can be.



Wanderers can be kept at home very successfully with 24x7 caregivers.


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## Beaglemom3 (Dec 6, 2012)

When I had my Mum at home, I had her bed and the doors alarmed.
These can be purchased online.  http://www.parentgiving.com/shop/bed-alarms-513/c/  Also, had baby monitors in any room she was in.
She was very stealth.

As she became less mobile, I had a seat monitor under her wheelchair cushion.

We put a big sign up on the inside of all doors that said "STOP !" when she was wheeling or walking.

I miss her, even the bad days,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  She had her moments of combativeness, but that was when she was frightened. When I'd transfer her from the tub or toilet to the wheelchair, she would fight me and it was very, very hard not to retain my composure.

Savor the good days as they are, in actuality, all good.


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## jerseygirl (Dec 7, 2012)

sptung said:


> Wanderers can be kept at home very successfully with 24x7 caregivers.



Absolutely agree, but the price is more than most people can afford .... Avg $20/hour x 24 hours x 365 days ..... >$175K.

I just wanted to make the point that in my first hand experience with memory care units, most people are NOT combative (or maybe occasionally combative when they're scared, as Beags described above, but that's normal).  Maybe we've been lucky, but my mom has been in two.  The first one was on a part time basis - she was able to "live" with my dad in the beautiful, normal part of the facility ... But went to the lock down unit on the few occasions when my dad (who was perfectly healthy ... along with many other spouses in the same situation) had the opportunity to leave to play golf, have lunch or dinner with friends, or just needed a break.  After he passed away, we moved mom to a different facility where she lives in the memory unit ... and it's a beautiful, peaceful place.  Do we wish we could have afforded home health care for what's now turned into 12 years with the disease?  Absolutely!  But, it wasnt possible for us (we had part time home health care for the first five years or so).  And the alternative has not been the horrible experience some people describe/imagine.


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## m61376 (Dec 7, 2012)

The only "words of wisdom" I can offer is try not to anticipate. Everyone is different- the disease may or may not progress, your husband could stagnate at a certain level and remain there for years, the meds may work beautifully, and even if he becomes severely affected his underlying personality may shine through. As much as you can, try to take it one day at a time.

As a PT who does home care, I can say that your inclination to move closer to family is a great one. Even with the most graceful agin, sometimes things crop up and there's no substitute for family being close by. Even the emotional support of proximity can be a big deal. Moving is always hard, but doing so sooner rather than later will also help your husband familiarize himself and become comfortable with new surrounds at a time when the move will be less traumatic for him.

I grew up in a community about 15 minutes from where I now live. About 20 years ago my parents sold their house and bought a ranch about a quarter of a mile from us, and lived there until we lost my Dad five years ago. We had my Mom move in with us after we lost my Dad so at 81 she wouldn't be alone for the first time in her life. Even though she has all her faculties, I do know it was much, much easier for her going forward because she was already established in the community. Making friends, familiar shopping and places of worship, etc., can go a long way. 

The only other advice I can offer is don't feel you have to go through this yourself. Let family help. True friends will understand and be there; don't feel embarrassed- let them. Many people start to isolate themselves slowly, and then suddenly resent being all alone. Let people who reach out help you.


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## Cathyb (Dec 7, 2012)

Thank you for your words of wisdom.


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## VacationForever (Dec 7, 2012)

jerseygirl said:


> Absolutely agree, but the price is more than most people can afford .... Avg $20/hour x 24 hours x 365 days ..... >$175K.
> 
> I just wanted to make the point that in my first hand experience with memory care units, most people are NOT combative (or maybe occasionally combative when they're scared, as Beags described above, but that's normal).  Maybe we've been lucky, but my mom has been in two.  The first one was on a part time basis - she was able to "live" with my dad in the beautiful, normal part of the facility ... But went to the lock down unit on the few occasions when my dad (who was perfectly healthy ... along with many other spouses in the same situation) had the opportunity to leave to play golf, have lunch or dinner with friends, or just needed a break.  After he passed away, we moved mom to a different facility where she lives in the memory unit ... and it's a beautiful, peaceful place.  Do we wish we could have afforded home health care for what's now turned into 12 years with the disease?  Absolutely!  But, it wasnt possible for us (we had part time home health care for the first five years or so).  And the alternative has not been the horrible experience some people describe/imagine.



Regarding cost, it does vary with the state that you live in.   In CA, it comes up to about 100K per year for 24x7 hr care.  I bought Long Term Care Insurance with an inflation rider about 4 years ago to ensure that it will pay for 24x7 care at home one day if/when I need it.  

I agree that not everyone in memory care units is combative but the point that I am making is that a loved one does not need to be in one unless he/she is combative.  For the cost of living memory care vs. home care in CA, memory care is about 2/3rd the cost of 24x7 home care.  One also may not need 24x7 care until the late stage of dementia.  If there is a family member living at home, a home care aide may only be needed in the morning and evening to prepare 3 meals, light housework, personal care/grooming and exercises.  That will cut the cost down dramatically.


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## bogey21 (Dec 7, 2012)

IMO it is the responsibility of parents not to put their children through this.  Those who don't are being terribly unfair.  Acknowledging that my plans may blow up, here is what I have done.  In 2000 when I retired at age 65 I "relocated" into a Continuing Care Retirement Community which does an outstanding job of taking care of those who can't take care of themselves.  My CCRC is located in an urban setting so I will not need a car.

Here is the kicker.  Although I haven't lived there for the last 5 years or so my apartment is 100% funished.  I use the CCRC address as my permanent mailing address; I eat and socialize there 3 or 4 times a week.  Not only is the food good but I have built friendships with about 50% of the residents meaning that when (if) I move back permanently it will not be as difficult as if I moved into a Retirement Home cold turkey.

The front end cost of setting this up was about $100,000 including the fee to the CCRC and the cost of furnishing my apartment.  My monthly charge is a little above my monthly Social Security check (direct deposit).  An offset to this is that I have no expense for Long Term Care Insurance.

Before I set this up I talked it over with my children.  They understand and agree that the trade off of no inheritance for not having to take care of me is fair.  I hasten to add that at the time I set this up I transferred all my assets
except my race horses, which are as much a liability as an asset, to them (and my ex-wife).  I live off my quasi substantial pension payments.

My point is simply this.  I see it as my responsibility to make sure I am not a burden on my children in order that they can focus on their own lives and their children.  

George


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## GregT (Dec 7, 2012)

bogey21 said:


> I see it as my responsibility to make sure I am not a burden on my children in order that they can focus on their own lives and their children.
> 
> George



George, I think your actions and your intentions are very honorable and it is considerate of you to think this way.

I will also state that having my Mom go through this has brought me even closer to my Dad.  I wouldn't have thought it possible for me to become closer to my Dad (we've always been close), but it is true.   

It gives me a great deal of fulfillment to be able to support him for the first time in my life.  He feels as CathyB does and the change to his life partner is very tough on him.   When I can help him, it is one of the first times in my life that I can feel like I am giving back to him -- and he knows my first priority is my own young family -- but there is room for all.

So I don't want people to think they need to shield their children from this -- we are all in this together.

Cathy, I can feel the pain and I am so sorry to hear it...

Best,

Greg


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## jerseygirl (Dec 7, 2012)

sptung said:


> Regarding cost, it does vary with the state that you live in.   In CA, it comes up to about 100K per year for 24x7 hr care.  I bought Long Term Care Insurance with an inflation rider about 4 years ago to ensure that it will pay for 24x7 care at home one day if/when I need it.
> 
> I agree that not everyone in memory care units is combative but the point that I am making is that a loved one does not need to be in one unless he/she is combative.  For the cost of living memory care vs. home care in CA, memory care is about 2/3rd the cost of 24x7 home care.  One also may not need 24x7 care until the late stage of dementia.  If there is a family member living at home, a home care aide may only be needed in the morning and evening to prepare 3 meals, light housework, personal care/grooming and exercises.  That will cut the cost down dramatically.



I agree with what you're saying but the burden can get to be too much for the loved one, or the healthy caregiver might suddenly become ill or even pass away first, unexpectedly ... so IMO it's best to have contingency plans.

I think it would be wonderful if one could find 24/7 care in California for $100K.  According to this reputable publication, the average cost is $21/hour ... or roughly $184K:

http://www.bizjournals.com/sacramen...ia-home-care-cost-higher-nation.html?page=all

In any event, I wish CathyB and her DH the very best ... And want her know that there are many great alternatives out there, thank goodness.


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## BevL (Dec 8, 2012)

Hey, Cathy my dear, lots of hugs along to you as well.  I haven't read every word of every response but know how much you love your DH and how much you worry about him.  

I'm going to PM you as well.

Bev


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## VacationForever (Dec 8, 2012)

jerseygirl said:


> I agree with what you're saying but the burden can get to be too much for the loved one, or the healthy caregiver might suddenly become ill or even pass away first, unexpectedly ... so IMO it's best to have contingency plans.
> 
> I think it would be wonderful if one could find 24/7 care in California for $100K.  According to this reputable publication, the average cost is $21/hour ... or roughly $184K:
> 
> ...



For 24x7 services, the rate structure is different.  In CA, home care operates under "wage order 15" which exempts the caregiver from overtime payment.  The caregiver needs to have their own bed in a private area and requires to be paid at least minimum wage for all 24 hrs, which brings to $192 per day before another 30% in "burden" which are the employer's taxes (social security, unemployment insurance, workers compensation etc.)  There are very few agencies that pay the legal wages to the workers and when they do they operate on very slim margin to pay their workers the legal wage and yet be able to stay competitive.  You will find that most agencies pay their employees only $100 to $150 in most parts of the state.  In California you will find a 24-hr rate of anywhere between $200 to $330 per day.  I personally would go with an agency who pays the legal wage to their employees as it will have better quality and happier employees, which means closer to $300 to 330 per day, but you will have to ask the employer directly whether they are paying the legal wage.  Several Wage and Hour law suits are being filed against the agencies breaking the law currently but that is another story in itself.


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## Passepartout (Dec 8, 2012)

Whoa there, folks,
It may well be that Cathy's DH won't need 24 hour skilled care since he's at home now and Cathy is able to care for him on her own. Perhaps just some morning and evening assistance may be needed for a time- and maybe not even that much yet. If he is not a 'wanderer', her just being there and spelled by other family members as needed for her well being could stretch their resources for a good long while. Remember, she is just distraught that he is losing driving privileges so far. While dementia is cruel both to the patient and to his/her family, not all dementia are the same. 

Best wishes and a big {{TUG HUG}} to her and their family.

JIm


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## pammex (Dec 9, 2012)

My heart and soul go out to you Cathy.  Experiencing similar now with my dad. My mom was taking care of him but only lasted so long, he is having mini strokes causing dementia so will continue to progress.  He has been placed in a care facility, he is not wandering, usually happy, but not the same being and frequently has no clue who his family is, though he does remeber me most times.  My Mom is also having difficulties coping with all this, alone, sad, and just not the type to deal with illness. I feel your pain and devastation...you are in my thoughts...


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## ronandjoan (Dec 9, 2012)

Cathy
So sorry to hear of this progress....know you have been worried for some time, but such great ideas from TUGGERS!!  We've gone through this with my mother and MIL - and they are both still with us, one with tital dementia and my MIL doing very well with medications.   Blessings to you as you make these important decisions.


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## Beaglemom3 (Dec 9, 2012)

Cathy,

www.eldercarelink.com  (Lots of good advice in caring for the caregiver.)  

  Although I did not "use" this link for acutal hands-on care for Mum, I found their weekly emails informative and helpful. As I had the skills (am an NP), I took care of Mum, myself, with help and without until it became too difficult to transfer her. I had to make the hard decision as to her safety( & mine) and find a good nursing home after a few years. 

Some other helpful places: Your local hospital might have support groups (great resources here, too) for those who are giving care to those with early ALD (Alzheimer's Like Dementia) or similar statees.  http://thingstodo.utsandiego.com/ca...238796264-alzheimers-caregivers-support-group


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## Cathyb (Dec 31, 2012)

*Thank you all! (Update)*

Wanted to hug all of you, thank you for your suggestions!  I've been real busy checking out Independent Living/Memory places that are located near our kids (50 miles north).  So far it has been just research, no visits yet.

What I am finding is that many places have no vacancies in one Bedrooms -- only studios are available.  Can't visualize going from 2400 sf to 600 sf and be happy -- no matter what the 'goodies' are outside of your 'unit'.

DH is sinking a little too fast now.  He gets confused on going to the garage and heads for the backyard.  He doesn't hang up his clothes, just drops them where he is.  Loses things daily.  I am now sitting with him to do his pills for the week.  It is very sad 

Getting house ready to sell.  Going to have a counselor next week that is experienced in downsizing.  Our furniture is very large sized -- our bed is a super-king -- takes up the whole bedroom offered in Independent Living.  Feel so alone -- the kids live at least 50 miles and two in other states.  Our Christmas tree (fake) lies on living room floor until son can drive down and put it under the stairs -- way too heavy for me to do it.

Sorry to weigh you all down; but it felt good getting it off my chest .  One good thing, it has caused me to get in car and drive the 50 miles at Christmas to the kids' homes.  Have not done that for 10 years!  Now I am mapping out a trip to Marriott Palm Desert on 2/3 -- avoiding freeways when I can. That is 100 miles.  Thank you all again!


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