# A new cry for help



## Quilter (Aug 13, 2013)

Recently I began a thread asking for help with a Denver reservation.   This is a different cry for help.

I've wondered the appropriateness of posting here.   My son is gone.   I'm not in Denver with my sister.   She went by herself so she could be with her 2 boys.  

It is early in the a.m.   The house is quiet.   I woke and couldn't stay in bed any longer.   Yesterday we had people pouring in all day offering their tears and chests to cry on.   It will continue all week as each day gets harder.   

I've been told there are websites  to offer support for grief but I've been part of this community since 2000 and it's the place I need to come.   The Marriott forum is the place I usually come with an occasional wander over to the other forums.   You are my people.

Some of you know my son was in Afghanistan.   He came home in April when his base was closing but he came home before the others because of a buldging disc.   He went to many doctors and therapists and even podiatrists because it was noticed his gait was off.   A couple years ago he sprained his foot and there was the slight possibility the biomechanics were causing his back to misalign.   As each doctor and therapist failed to fix his pain he became more and more anxious which caused depression to set in.  They gave him different prescriptions for pain and muscle relaxers but each caused a reaction.  He loved to walk and was looking forward to his summer off to hike our Michigan.   But 10 steps and he could feel the discomfort mounting.   We rode bikes which he could do for miles and miles.   And he sometimes swam which he did beautifully.   

Sleep became difficult.    One doctor prescribed prednisone which began the sleeplessness. He tried natural methods but finally went to a doctor for a prescription to help with depression and sleep.  Finally he was taking Cymbalta with Ambien.   We've held on to him pretty tight for a month while he's been on this keeping an eye on him.   Then he seemed to be improving and was making plans.   We all went to Chicago together and he came home before us to head to Grand Rapids for a wedding he was going to be in.   We had other arrangements and were going to meet back at home in a few days.   We were in constant touch.   Both the psychiatrist who prescribed the meds and the psychologist he was seeing said he was improving.   He was going to be with friends.   We wanted to give him space to enjoy life.   He went to the wedding and roomed with the groom the first night.  We had calls and text that he was doing well.   The second night he was alone.  Alone.

The psychologist came by the house yesterday to offer comfort.   She had asked again what he was taking and had done some research.   Cymbalta has a slight chance for causing sudden suicides.   This was hidden until 2012.   Michael didn't like taking any drugs and was caught in a spot where he wanted to function but could tell the drugs were messing with his memory and getting going in the mornings.   Oh it's all so easy to see now.   

Some say he was a Golden Boy.   His heart was always geared to helping others.   Everyone loved him.   He was always very bright and went into the gifted section of our school district.   He graduated in 5 years with an undergraduate in Computer Science and a Masters in Urban Planning.   Got a fellowship with Bosch and went to Germany where he had extra pages put in his passport from the traveling.   He came back and was Project Manager of the Detroit Riverfront until the scandal with a past mayor discouraged him so he went to Iraq to help with the reconstruction.  From there he went to Abu Dhabi to gain knowledge in their Ministry of Transportation to come back to the States with that experience.   But before he was done over there he went to Afghanistan to be part of that reconstruction and help those people have roads and wells.    He had 3 passports by now.

Our daughter is on the road home.  Her roommate and little dog are coming too.  I'm drained now with this post.   I'm heartbroken.   

This is a song I shared with some at the house last night.   Cry with me.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jZmBQn_018


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## m61376 (Aug 13, 2013)

There's nothing I can say, other than our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this very difficult time. So sorry for your loss.

You don't realize how much love and support you have from family and friends until times like these. Don't be afraid to lean on them. Sounds like people are there for you, and they'll help get you through this.


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## Kay H (Aug 13, 2013)

I am crying as I write this to you.  I am so so sorry for your loss. It sound like you were both very close.  How do you handle a tragedy like this?  Friends, professional therapists and time.  The hole in your heart will never heal completely but it will become bearable with time.

I really don't have words that will console you but I will pray that you are able to get through this rough time .  I am sorry.


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## jimf41 (Aug 13, 2013)

Sue,

I am so heartbroken over your loss. My son came back from Afghanistan with a 100% disability. Some physical some mental. He too takes pills for both the pain and and the psychological disorder. For a period of time we came very close to losing him. We still worry about the number of pills he takes although he is gradually weaning off of some of them.

As a parent you feel so absolutely helpless. I wish there were something I could say to console you but there isn't. I wish I could tell you that every day it'll get a little easier but we both know it won't. It's just not fair to love something so much and have it taken away.


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## SueDonJ (Aug 13, 2013)

Prayers and good thoughts for you, Sue.  I hope you're able to find some measure of peace in your unimaginable grief.


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## kwindham (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss.  My oldest son (17) was in a horrific auto accident at 15yo.  He had some bad head trauma.  There were a lot of days I wondered if I or he would make it through the day.  He had severe depression from the accident and I wondered every day if today would be the day I would be left without him.  I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.  Just know our hearts, prayers, and thoughts are with you right now.!  HUGS


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## LAX Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

Sue, I am so sorry to read your post about this difficult time in your life. I don't have the words to express my grief but please know that I am thinking of you. I cannot begin to understand how hard this must be for you. I hope the memories of your wonderful son will bring you some peace and comfort. Sending love & prayers to you & your family.


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## lalahe (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.  I hope that you are able to find peace, comfort, and support to pull you through this difficult time.  You and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Passepartout (Aug 13, 2013)

Words fail me. I cannot express my sadness over your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. May you find comfort in the good works your son accomplished.

I wish you peace and comfort. TUG truly IS a community. There is no surprise that you chose to share this time with us here.

Jim


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## heathpack (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sad to hear this, it's unimaginable what you are feeling now.  Me deepest sympathies to you and your family.

H


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## vacationhopeful (Aug 13, 2013)

I am sorry for this type of loss - words just don't seem to be enough. 

I can only offer a prayer of peace for your son and a prayer of the memories you shared with him for those few years he blessed your lives.


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## mpizza (Aug 13, 2013)

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Maria


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## cp73 (Aug 13, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. We can all feel your pain. Beautiful song.


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## ScubaKat (Aug 13, 2013)

At a lost for words and can't imagine what you are going through.  Sending warm thoughts and prayers.


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## GregT (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear the news -- my deepest condolences to you and your family during these difficult times.

You came to the right place, we all care for each other and we hope these painful days pass and leave only the happy memories.

We send you many wishes for peace and comfort.

Greg


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## klpca (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so very sorry. Your son sounds like he was a wonderful person who made a real impact on others. He obviously had a good heart.

Please accept my condolences.


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## Delicate Arch (Aug 13, 2013)

What a sadness for your family and a loss for the rest of the world. One of ours suffers from depression too. These mental health issues are so poorly understood. What a sorrow.


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## emt (Aug 13, 2013)

You and your family will be in my thoughts, I'm sorry I have no words to ease your loss. 

I will treat my own small children with more grace and patience in the coming days as I have been reminded what a blessing they are to my life.


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## CashEddie (Aug 13, 2013)

Sue, my thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Fasttr (Aug 13, 2013)

The Fasttr family’s thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  What a tragic loss.

Take comfort in the fact that your son is in heaven and has finally found peace at the ultimate “resort” and is surrounded by all in your family that had gone before him.


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## gblotter (Aug 13, 2013)

Quilter said:


> This is a song I shared with some at the house last night.   Cry with me.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jZmBQn_018


Perfect song for such a difficult time.  Prayers are with you.


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## MALC9990 (Aug 13, 2013)

I never expected to read such sad news here. There are no words that I can find to express my thoughts at this time of such sadness for you. Afghanistan has taken many young men and some young women from both our countries and now another.

You and all your family are in our thoughts and prayers at this sad moment.


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## Ann in CA (Aug 13, 2013)

Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. He must have been an extraordinary young man, already very involved in helping around the world, but chronic pain can be quite a difficult adversary, especially for the young.

We grieve with you.

Ann


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## lizap (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. As a parent, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.  I will be praying for you.


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## JanT (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry, Sue.  My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that you are enduring.  There are no words I can think of other than to say I am sending hugs, prayers, and love to you.

Jan


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## Helaine (Aug 13, 2013)

I so very sorry for what has happened to you and the unimaginable pain it must bring.  It sounds like you did a wonderful job raising him to be a fine young man.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## triem (Aug 13, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. He is with God now


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## Nickfromct (Aug 13, 2013)

Words can't really express the sorrow I feel.  I will keep you in my thoughts. God Bless you!


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## amycurl (Aug 13, 2013)

So heartbreaking. Holding you and your entire family in The Light as you try and face this sudden loss.

Cherish love always, and accept it in whatever form it comes. To do anything else is foolish, for none of us know how many days we have left.


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## Whirl (Aug 13, 2013)

My thoughts and prayers are with you as I read this.I can only wish for you to retain the beautiful memories  and find less pain with time.


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## kmij (Aug 13, 2013)

suzanne,

i am so sorry for your loss.  what a beautiful song you posted.  it will stay with me for a long time.  i can't even imagine what you are going through but
know that all of us on tug are there with you.  hopefully the love and support from your family and friends as well as the wonderful memories you have, will help you through the difficult days ahead.  you are in my thoughts, prayers and my heart.

jean


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## SkyBlueWaters (Aug 13, 2013)

I opened this forum to share good news that I am now officially part of the Marriott Vacation Club family. And that is what this forum is.

I don't know you but I've been around enough to see that there are real people behind the posts. Kind people who are willing to share their wisdom and experiences.

Please accept my deepest condolences for you loss. Your son was selfless and honorable. May he rest in peace in God's arms. My prayers go to you and your family.


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## Rascalsmom (Aug 13, 2013)

How I wish I were one of those people who always knew the right thing to say.  My heart aches for you.  Such a tragic loss.  My family has also been touched by suicide and depression, and unexpected side effects of prescription medications.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you grieve the loss of such an extraordinary son.  May the knowledge that you "loved him well" give you comfort in the coming days.


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## TheTimeTraveler (Aug 13, 2013)

Sue;  I am confident that all of us TUG members have our thoughts and prayers for you and your family.  So sorry for your loss.




.


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## LisaH (Aug 13, 2013)

Just read this. Suzzanne, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss! The excruciating pain must be too much for him to tolerate...I wish there were timely and effective medical help he could have received...


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## Pat H (Aug 13, 2013)

Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for you and your family.


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## TSPam (Aug 13, 2013)

Hi,
Such sad, sad news. I pray that you will feel carried through this terrible time as you grieve such a great loss.


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## taffy19 (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry about the loss of your son so young.  I cannot imagine how you must feel since I never was a mother.  I know that a mother would rather die herself than one of her children.  

My deepest condolences to you and your family.


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## Venter (Aug 13, 2013)

*Peace be with you.*

May God be with you and your family.


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## KathyPet (Aug 13, 2013)

Quilter, There are tears in my eyes and my heart hurts for you.  I lost my only son very suddenly at the age of 20 so I do know what you are suffering.  the next few days will be bearable because of the support of friends and family.  What is even more difficult is that friends and families will return to their every day lives as indeed they must but you will never ever be the same.  Hold your memories close.  I will pray for you and for your son.


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## Quadmaniac (Aug 13, 2013)

That is so tragic and I am sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to go to the funeral of their own child. It will be a difficult time coming up, but just keep in mind what he would have wanted. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be sad but to be happy with the wonderful memories you shared and how much he loved all of you as well. Celebrate his love and your love for him with everything that he has brought into everyone's lives.

Isn't there a saying it is not how many breaths we take but how many times something takes our breath away ? It sounds like he left a big impact while he was here, think about those great things in his life and all that it brought to everyone.


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## icydog (Aug 13, 2013)

Sue, I'm so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express my sorrow for you and your family.  I was trying to find a suitable quote and one of the nicest was actually said by President Reagan. I sincerely wish you some relief from your grief while you celebrate your son's life. 


_“Wherever a beautiful soul has been- there is a trail of beautiful memories…” Ronald Reagan~
_


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## rickandcindy23 (Aug 13, 2013)

I am so sorry.  I cannot even imagine the sorrow you must be feeling over the loss of a son.  Please know you will have a special place in our hearts and prayers.


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## ilene13 (Aug 13, 2013)

Sue please accept my condolences.  I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Karen G (Aug 13, 2013)

Suzanne, I'm praying for you and I'm so sad to read about your son. The song you chose was perfect.


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## momeason (Aug 14, 2013)

I am so sorry. We have a bipolar daughter and she was suicidal in 2008-2009. 
She is still with us, but I imagined this so many times. It is my greatest fear.
We left her for a weekend once and she ended up in the hospital. When they are grown, you cannot smother them. It is not your fault. 
My thoughts and prayers are with you. My brother lost a 21 one year old son. It is not supposed to be this way. 
Words are not enough. We do cry with you.


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## PearlCity (Aug 14, 2013)

My heart truly breaks for you. I'm so sorry. Thoughts prayers and condolences..


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## tropical1 (Aug 14, 2013)

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  You and your family will be in my family's thoughts and prayers.
May your memories of your son bring you some comfort and relief from your pain.

Susan


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## Quilter (Aug 14, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your care.   The house was again filled with friends shedding grace to us but there was some quiet time early in the day, late at night and now early in the morning when I got comfort from your posts.  

Our daughter arrived home safe.  She sobs and says she doesn't want to be an only child.  Her heartbreak is so sad.  Some the girlfriends she's had since high school came and sat the night with her.  They cried with me.   It was touching, oh how do I go about expressing what I feel, well it was deeply appreciated to have those who are so young hold on to my precious girl and grieve with all of us.


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## thinze3 (Aug 14, 2013)

We have prayed for you and your family.  Your Tug family is listening and offering some guidance that should be considered.  I'll bet no one has read your post without having to wipe a tear.

Putting your feelings into words can bee a good thing, so do not hesitate doing it here if you feel the need.  God Bless.




amycurl said:


> So heartbreaking. Holding you and your entire family in The Light as you try and face this sudden loss.
> 
> Cherish love always, and accept it in whatever form it comes. To do anything else is foolish, for none of us know how many days we have left.





KathyPet said:


> Quilter, There are tears in my eyes and my heart hurts for you.  I lost my only son very suddenly at the age of 20 so I do know what you are suffering.  the next few days will be bearable because of the support of friends and family.  What is even more difficult is that friends and families will return to their every day lives as indeed they must but you will never ever be the same.  Hold your memories close.  I will pray for you and for your son.


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## Bnov (Aug 14, 2013)

I add my heartfelt concerns for you and your family.  It is a terrible tragedy to endure.  Know that my prayers are with you to find true comfort and daily grace.

If you are ever interested in finding a support group, I'm familiar with a national organization called GriefShare that has many groups around the country.  If I can be of any help in locating one, please send a PM.


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## puckmanfl (Aug 14, 2013)

Quilter

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope that some day your pain will ease.  Please continue to rely on your TUG family for support and guidance during this difficult time...

Todd...


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## NJMOM2 (Aug 14, 2013)

Quilter,

Words cannot express my sorrow for your loss.  You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.  The pain of your loss may never go away but it will get better over time.  The loss of child is not suppose to happen.  Twenty-two years ago my 10 year old niece suddenly passed away.  I have seen the pain of the loss of child and I still cry when I think of what should have been.  It does get less often.  I am so sorry for your loss.


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## VacationPro (Aug 14, 2013)

I am so sorry to read of your devastating loss.  I can only imagine the immeasurable grief that you are going through.  Know you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Dr. Buck (Aug 14, 2013)

Dear Quilter,

Thank you for reaching out and being open with your anguish. Although I don't know you, I do know what you are going through right now because my wife and I lost our 16 year old son a few years ago.  I also have some understanding of what it's like to be a parent of a deployed military officer, as our other son had a year in Afghanistan.

No parent deserves to be on the path you find yourself on, and my heart and soul go out to you. 

I will not pretend that there is any advice I can give, but I thought I might offer a few things that my wife and I did that were helpful, and a few things that we have learned. If it's any consolation, the fact that we are still standing might offer some hope that you can work through this, even though right now it might feel like taking the next breath or the next step is a challenge enough.

What we did:

1.  Grief Counseling.  We knew we needed guided help, and were fortunate to find a person who not only is a licensed counselor but is a specialist in grief and grieving.  We started with her on a weekly basis, and I can't imagine what it would have been like without her involvement.  We still see her once or twice a month.

2.  Hospice.  We joined a group for bereaved parents organized by our local Hospice organization.  This gave us a chance to be with others who intrinsically understand the way the world has changed for us.  This went for about 8 sessions, and even now we still meet informally with several of the people in this group.

3.  The Compassionate Friends (TCF). This is a national organization of bereaved parents and siblings. While we didn't seek them out right away when things were too new and raw, my wife eventually helped start a local meeting.  The TCF website is a good place to look for resources including online connections.

4.  Commitment to Each Other.  We made the decision to "love through this", working to support but not try to "fix" each other. We rejected any kind of blame or recrimination.

5. Kept our son in our lives. There are many ways to do this. We took the approach that while obviously different, we would continue to have an ongoing relationship with our son.

What we learned:

1.  The grief is a powerful force, fully in charge, and needs expression and attention. It cannot be put away somewhere. This is where ongoing counseling was especially helpful. We also pay attention to our dream experiences, and keep journals.

2.  Other people mean well but often say wrong or inappropriate things.  We learned to reject and avoid any kind of "shoulds" or "oughts" that some people sometimes want to put on our grieving process.  

3.  Each of us grieves differently, and we each have to find our own path.

4.  Love is what's most important.

5.  It takes time and effort to integrate the sorrow, but it is possible to regain footing and find joy.

If you want to talk directly, please feel free to send me a private message.

sincerely,

Charlie


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## NboroGirl (Aug 15, 2013)

I haven't been checking TUG as often as I used to, but I checked today and saw your post and my heart just broke for you.  How awful this must be for you - I can't even imagine your pain.  I read the many caring responses while I listened to the beautiful tune you posted.  TUG is a wonderful, warm, caring community and I hope you can fine a morsel of comfort from it.  Dr. Buck had really good suggestions.  Nothing I can say, or add to what's already been said, except to say we're here for you.


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## Quilter (Aug 15, 2013)

Again and again I will thank all of you for your compassion and encouragement.  I have read and then reread posts.   There will come a point after this week I will ask a moderator to lock this thread as I move to a different stage in my grief walk but for this week I'll beg you to go along with me.

After a bit of sleep I woke and laid there about an hour with a burning desire to let everyone know how special Michael was.  Was.   Oh how that word hurts.   No one has come forward with any indication that this was foreseen.   At our church we had another funeral for a 15 yo victim of unforeseen suicide.   Michael sat with us at the funeral and grieved with the Dad who was a childhood buddy.   He talked to our daughter that day and said you have to appreciate the gift of every day.   He was contacted by USAID to schedule his out processing in Washington next week.   The woman he spoke with wanted to share his last email and the conversations they had.   He was looking forward to going to Washington and even told friends he was going to begin the process job search.   The groom talked to my husband and daughter yesterday to tell them how Michael got up to talk at the reception and, like many times, captivated the room and had them laughing with his wit.  Then he told another friend he was tired and asked for a ride back to his car.   On the ride he talked with the friend in a manner that gave no indication.   Last week Michael visited North Star Reach https://northstarreach.org to offer his advice and was excited to be of future assistance.   He was participating with designers, State and City officials to bring a garden show to Belle Isle in Detroit similar to what Philadelphia has with it's annual Flower Show.   He's been lending his talents to his Dad's efforts to rebuild Detroit from the area surrounding Capital Park http://boyguv.com.   He had been communicating with an Army General about possible employment opportunities that would fit his talents.   He had dreams  of seeing high speed rail come to the U.S. and wanted to be part of that.  He wrote a book about his 2 year experience in Abu Dhabi.   It is at the publishers with the projected date to come on the market at the end of the year.   We were going to grill on a regular basis.   He enjoyed being in the kitchen with me as we cooked and tried new recipes.   His car had items in it as if he was going to be on the road in the morning.   

The police still have his computer and phone but all information so far indicates something happened during his sleep and this was a tragic accident from drugs that can sometimes help and other times have devastating results.   

Our friends and church family have kept us in a continuous envelope of grace.  There was a couple who spent the first 2 nights at the house and now a woman has stayed in that room.   Last night after the last of the caring bodies left she and I laid in bed talking before I went downstairs to join Jack.   Our daughter came in and for a long while the 3 of us laid and talked while Beebs the cat added her comforting presence.   Michael loved this funny little cat who has adopted us.   

My daughter has gotten up and is wrapped in quilts on the sofa.   I'm going to go now to pull her into bed with me as we try to get a bit more sleep.

Thank you again for all your support.


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## bazzap (Aug 15, 2013)

I can only just add my sincere condolences to those of so many others here on TUG to you and your family.
Reading your latest post, whilst nothing can take away the hurt you are feeling now, I do hope that many of the things you mention will in time positively add to all the great memories you have of a wonderful son.


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## suenmike32 (Aug 15, 2013)

Suzanne and Jack,
Sue and I are so very sorry to hear of your tragic loss. We will keep your son, yourself and Jack, and your wonderful family in our prayers.
God Bless you.
Mike and Sue White


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## cyntravel (Aug 15, 2013)

*Need Help*

- I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your family is in my heart and prayers. Always know that your Heavenly Father is holding you in his arms and will never leave you.. May you feel his Love, comfort and  peace wrapped around you. His Love and strength will see you thru. 

Cyn


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## sparty (Aug 15, 2013)

Quilter, 

Very sorry to hear your loss.  Hopefully Tug and Marriott can provide some ways to ease some of the pain.


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## TRAVELING FOOL (Aug 15, 2013)

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. May you eventually find peace and guidance to get through this. You have brought to light that behind these posts we are all human beings with joys and hardships and are here for one another.


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## GrayFal (Aug 15, 2013)

Suzzanne and Jack, I know what a special time you had with your family in STT this past January. I hope having these wonderful memories is some comfort to you now. My sincere condolences.


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## pwrshift (Aug 15, 2013)

Oh Suzzanne, I just found this thread and can't imagine what you're going through with your loss.  Time heals but it is so slow.  My heart and and prayers are with you.  God bless.

Brian


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## PamMo (Aug 15, 2013)

My heart aches for you, as I can't imagine the loss that you feel. You, your son, and your family are in my prayers.


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## Quilter (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm up and had to get out of that bed.  There was a choice of what to do. . .either go upstairs and crawl into bed with my friend who has been staying by our side these last 3 days or look at this thread.   Oh thank you for staying with me.

Today was rough.   very rough.   I'm sticking in there though and we have plans to do all the counseling and support that has been mentioned.   Jack and I lay in bed and talk each other to sleep.   Our daughter is with us all the way.   She and I have had mother/daughter struggles since those precious teenage years but now we are bearing each other up.   We have been discussing our various past times in the pit and how Michael had never before been there and just wasn't able to understand how dark it could be and still grasp that it could get better.   If you've ever been in the pit you know your thoughts run from one fear to the next.   His greatest fear became that he would hurt someone because of this.   He laid down his life to protect others.   If you knew him you would truly understand how self-less he was to grasp why this tragedy happened.   I also believe the drugs he was taking contributed to his thinking process.   While the warning labels say to discuss thoughts of suicide it became his reality.   We didn't pick up how close he was.   He told us he was getting better even though there was the confusion and memory loss that made him dislike the drugs so much.   We all wanted him to get weaned off as soon as he was sufficiently able.   Of course we are going over and over what we said and when we should have said or done something more.  

I'm going back to bed and hold on to someone now.  I know your hearts are breaking with mine.


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## jjluhman (Aug 16, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are enduring something that no mother should ever have to experience.  My heart and prayers go out to you.


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## kwindham (Aug 16, 2013)

Quilter said:


> I'm up and had to get out of that bed.  There was a choice of what to do. . .either go upstairs and crawl into bed with my friend who has been staying by our side these last 3 days or look at this thread.   Oh thank you for staying with me.
> 
> Today was rough.   very rough.   I'm sticking in there though and we have plans to do all the counseling and support that has been mentioned.   Jack and I lay in bed and talk each other to sleep.   Our daughter is with us all the way.   She and I have had mother/daughter struggles since those precious teenage years but now we are bearing each other up.   We have been discussing our various past times in the pit and how Michael had never before been there and just wasn't able to understand how dark it could be and still grasp that it could get better.   If you've ever been in the pit you know your thoughts run from one fear to the next.   His greatest fear became that he would hurt someone because of this.   He laid down his life to protect others.   If you knew him you would truly understand how self-less he was to grasp why this tragedy happened.   I also believe the drugs he was taking contributed to his thinking process.   While the warning labels say to discuss thoughts of suicide it became his reality.   We didn't pick up how close he was.   He told us he was getting better even though there was the confusion and memory loss that made him dislike the drugs so much.   We all wanted him to get weaned off as soon as he was sufficiently able.   Of course we are going over and over what we said and when we should have said or done something more.
> 
> I'm going back to bed and hold on to someone now.  I know your hearts are breaking with mine.



quilter, I am sooooo sorry!  I know your heart must be in a million pieces right now.  Hold on to the memories of the good times, and hold onto your daughter.  I know its impossible, but try to not second guess what you could have/should have done differently.  Its very obvious you are a great mother that loves her children.  We never know what even the people closest to us are thinking.  I will keep you in my prayers.  Hugs


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## Twinkstarr (Aug 16, 2013)

Quilter,

We've talked a few times about timeshares up in Northern Michigan. Actually I was up at Boyne Mtn. with their dodgy wifi when John spotted your thread.

Our thoughts are with you.


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## enma (Aug 16, 2013)

My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.


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## suzannesimon (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss.  My son went thru a tough adolescence and there was a suicide  attempt.  Luckily someone found  him before it was too late.  He was 15  at the time.  Depression is a terrible thing to live with.  His suffering is over and in time yours will fade.  God bless you.


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## puppymommo (Aug 16, 2013)

Dear Quilter,

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  My DH is also a veteran and has struggled with suicidal thoughts.  Mental illness is an insidious and all too often deadly disease.


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## Quilter (Aug 17, 2013)

When I went to bed tonight I didn't know if I'd be up visiting you all again.   But my bit of sleep was short.   Besides, the cat was ready to go out.   She's like that.

At the beginning of the week I knew it would get progressively more difficult.   How I don't know because how can you measure worse and worser?   But the day is also full of grace.   In the morning the cat was on the porch and wouldn't come in.   So I went out to sit on the top step with her.   That is the way we did things back when she adopted us a year ago.   Jack joined me and then so did the neighbor from across the street.   She and I cross our private drive on a regular basis.   It's like a little village at the end of our street with all of us so close.   While the many of friends who have come by will be on the porch this neighbor has come out of her house and just given a slight wave multiple times of the day to let us know she's with us.   Then Libby, the friend who has been staying all day and night joined us on the step.   Anna's roommate said Libby has stuck by me like white on rice.    The neighbor's front yard gets glorious morning sun so she put the cushions out on some yard furniture and invited us to enjoy as she went to run the errand of visiting her dad.   We took bits of the food that has been dropped off as our breakfast and went there to momentarily leave this zone of grief.   We added more chairs as more people came and our group spent the day there until it was time to get dressed for the visitation.  

Each day has had it's own difficulties.   Going to see Michael for the first time was another that I didn't know how I was going to endure.   One foot in front of the other is all I can say.   The young funeral director has been so kind.   This is a family funeral home that has long been in our town.   They were there when my dad passed.   He met us and let us slowly make our way.   So gentle.   As the time progressed through the stages the people gathered.   And gathered.    And gathered.   Michael is so loved.   And I would be remiss if I failed to acknowledge that we are loved.   He was very multifacted and it was evidenced by the different walks in his life these people came from.   Childhood school chums.  High school swim buddies.   A teacher.  People from different jobs.  USAID rep.   An officer who had many stories of the missions Michael led them on into the region of Afghanistan he was working.  These two men stood the night by the picture story-board that was composed of some facebook pictures Michael had posted and told of the Michael they knew.   My daughter made sure they knew this did not go unnoticed.   There was family.   Co-workers of my husband's.   My daughter had her own group which was so touching to see.   Even at their young 20's they knew just sitting in the room was their offering.   There were friends, neighbors, our extended church family.  There was even a Tugger who has become a dear, dear friend.  

At the end, and it went longer than planned, I had to leave before the rest.   Libby brought me home.   The others were soon to follow.   We accomplished the day.   

You have probably figured out by now that this avenue is some sort of talk therapy.   I still question the oddness of talking to people who are so real to me but are on this screen.   Some of you I have met.   Others I have longed to meet.   There will be screen names I see regularly, sporadically and even new ones but they are all so soothing.  Thank you again for sticking with me.

I can't hardly fathom how to do tomorrow but I gather it will be like the last.   I nearly choke with the thought.  Breathe Suzzanne,   Breathe.   That's all I have to do.

Jack was up.   He may need to talk.   I'm going back to him now.


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## Ann in CA (Aug 17, 2013)

Oh Suzzanne, 
It is an honor to stick with you. All of us probably have known, or will know heartbreak, and you may be helping more people than you will ever know with the beautiful honesty of your writing.  

Wishing you and your family grace and strength.

Ann


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## iluvfla (Aug 17, 2013)

Quilter,
I am very sorry for your loss, accept my condolences, stay strong !


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## SMB1 (Aug 17, 2013)

So sorry for your loss.  May you somehow find peace.


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## GregT (Aug 17, 2013)

Suzzanne,

My heart breaks for what you and your family are going through.  These last few days, I say a prayer for you and your family, and I read your comments about Michael's life and his experiences with the utmost respect that they deserve.  I wish there was a way I could alleviate a friend's pain, even if just a little bit.

Thank you for sharing with us -- I hope and pray for God's strength for all during this difficult time.

My best,

Greg


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## b2bailey (Aug 18, 2013)

Dear Spiritual Sister,
I am a firm believer that somehow when we are brave enough to open ourselves and share our grief and pain -- then somehow, a miracle happens where others actually do pick up a part of it. We CAN lighten the load of another. I am hoping and praying that you can feel the burden of your grief being lifted a little bit every day because loved ones and even strangers are holding you up.


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## Quilter (Aug 18, 2013)

The hardest part of the day was putting the first leg out of bed.   Every movement after that was equally difficult.   The church building was packed with mourners.  They have all suffered a great loss.  Our minister spoke and a minister from a church Michael has attended since college spoke.  He told us of a man who was strong, respectful, witty, engaging, deep, mysterious, adventurous and this man told how Michael was loved so deeply.  I knew my boy and I knew of the accomplishments he had achieved  but this week I have learned there was so much more to this boyman of mine.   He was such a wonderful man and loved others so much.   Our daughter also spoke.   She was so strong.   She was so heartbroken.   She made it through her beautiful composition of words just fine.   She let the mourners know about her Bubby.

We had the difficult walk as we left the building.   The ride to the other side of town was slow.   There was a Komen 3 day walk going on in our town that we had to drive past and through.  My neighbor has trained for a good part of a year for this walk.  She wanted to be with me today but was one of those I have told her time to be by my side will come.  We continued to our destination.  Others joined us to bear the burden for what we had to do.  Michael's shell is in it's resting place.   We made the next step of the daily movements to return to the building for a lunch  where we were fed and further tenderly nourished by friends and family who are grieving with us.   

Once home I was spent and wanted to rest.   Family followed us back to the house.   Girlfriends laid with me while I rested.   We sat on the porch and told stories.   Mostly stories that had nothing to do with what we did today.   We did the movement of telling stories where we laughed all the while our hearts we silently crying.   We took a walk.   I sat with my neighbor on her front lawn the way I often do.  We ate some more.   We watched a movie.  We filled time living with our broken hearts.  We put one foot in front of the other because we know it's all we can do.   We don't know what's to come but we have learned this week that we have begun the hard task of putting one foot in front of the other and we've gotten this far.   

My daughter is in a chair reading one of Michael's journals.   I guess there's several.   She says she's finding comfort.  She wants to stay by me.   She warms blankets in the dryer to wrap me in.  She crawled into bed with Jack and me to put us to bed.   Then I heard a noise and she was up.   I knew one of my movements today would be composing this last post of the week so this seems like the time to do it.   We're together.   

I will ask a moderator to lock this thread.   It's time for me to move to a different stage of this walk.  If you want to post anything more to me before it's closed please feel free.   I'm still gathering comfort from each heartfelt message.  Thank you again for caring for me.   I'm sure I will see you again as we go though the movements of putting one foot in front of the other.


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## taffy19 (Aug 18, 2013)

Just read your update of today and it made me cry.  I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain but keep those beautiful memories of your son alive and with you as long as you live.  I am so glad that he left the journals.


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## SueDonJ (Aug 18, 2013)

_[Thread closed at Quilter's request.]_


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