# Millennial wedding



## Patri (Jun 10, 2016)

I am flying half way across the country tomorrow for my niece's wedding. It is Monday since the reception venue is cheaper. Niece is 24.
Things are just done differently these days. Invitation was cheaply done on a postcard. No RSVP card. Had to reply via email.
Bride and groom set up a wedding page. Details, directions, etc. I never went to it. Ceremony is outdoors on a highway scenic overlook in AZ. We are supposed to park below and walk up, or get shuttled by nephews. Tourists could be walking by, too. (Bride and groom are outdoor fanatics).
At reception some chairs would be out for family, but other people should bring lawn chairs.
Yesterday I talked to my sister. Wedding site has been moved. Bride said people would know by checking the website. I asked how they would know they SHOULD check it, unless they got a text or email notification that website information had been changed. Sis didn't know. Figured word of mouth would get around.
Also, bride wanted no names at tables. Everybody sit anywhere. At least sis opposed that. We family will be seated together. I have no interest in eating with couple's friends that I will never see again. I rarely see my own family. The friends wouldn't want to sit with me either.
Also, groom's dinner is two nights before the wedding. That is travel day for my side of the family. We have all traditionally invited family coming long distances to our kids' rehearsal dinners, but not in this case. Plus it is at the groom's home, two hours away from the wedding site.
Sigh. Some social traditions are good, and welcoming to wedding guests. This one is just so centered on bride's ignorance, and sis hasn't been involved enough.
(There have been a couple other glitches with housing, transportation, etc.) All chosen because they fit the couple's adventurous spirit, but eliminating ability for two handicapped people to attend, and not sure how my 88-year-old Mom is going to manage).


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## FLDVCFamily (Jun 10, 2016)

This makes me glad I eloped. You can't please everyone. They are doing what they want to do on their day, and probably within their own budget if they are paying for it themselves (which most people are nowadays). I'd be happier that they weren't blowing a huge amount of money on one day!


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## CatLovers (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry Patri, I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but this is their wedding and it should be about them.  From what you wrote, it sounds like money may also be an issue for them, so wouldn't it be better for them to use their funds towards something more tangible than "traditional wedding arrangements"?  Is it really so hard to reply via email or check a website, particularly if it saves money AND is more efficient?

It sounds like you feel that it's important for you to be there because you're family -- I get that -- perhaps you can focus on the positive aspects i.e. seeing family you haven't seen in a while, enjoying watching your niece marry the person she loves, etc.  For the critical things she seems to have forgotten or ignored, accommodating your 88-year old mother for example, perhaps you and your sister could figure that out between yourselves.  

My advice (take it as you wish, it's free) - don't focus on "how I would have done it" -- you'll make it a miserable day for yourself, and you may also damage your relationship with your niece and other members of the family.  Find the good and enjoy it, bite your tongue and (as much as you can), ignore the rest.


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## DeniseM (Jun 10, 2016)

We just had a millennial wedding and I was the mother of the bride.  

My daughter is artsy and wanted to do everything herself, which meant that we were in my kitchen at midnight the night before the wedding arranging flowers.

The wedding also started 45 min. late.  

I pasted a smile on my face, and kept my mouth closed, and a good time was had by all.  

*One thing I have noticed is that many wedding are more casual in the west.  But for someone from the East Coast, I'm sure that seems odd.


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## Iggyearl (Jun 10, 2016)

*You can pick your clothes and you can pick you nose....*

But you can't pick your relatives.  This is a hippie wedding with a little internet thrown in.  Everyone will survive - and hopefully so will the marriage.  Many young people have not heard of "Dear Abby," and wouldn't care anyway.  This will be an experience that you "survive" rather than "enjoy."  The only thing I can hope for you is that your plane ticket does cost less than the rest of the wedding.  And there isn't a lot of rain in Arizona, so an alternate site won't be necessary. 

In 5 years, you can tell this story to others and it will seem like it was funny.  Right now you need to get in survival mode and take a deep breathe.


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## Paumavista (Jun 10, 2016)

*Manners*

There is no excuse (budget, preferences, etc) for poor manners!!
When you invite someone to an event (especially if you are asking them to travel a distance to attend) - you politely provide maps, hotel suggestions, and insure they are aware of any venue changes!).

If you want to have a wedding on a hill top because that is your dream then you explain to people the possible difficulties - you might suggest that they join you directly at the reception or try your best to see what accommodations can be made to include these SPECIAL PEOPLE (If they're not special people than why not just say you're having a small private wedding and forgo the invites?).

At the reception you provide seats for everyone - if you can't provide seats then you've obviously invited too many people (how can elderly people, traveling a long distance possibly provide their own seats) - are they expected to go to Walmart before the event?!

These are spoiled children.......what's sad is that your sister is not stepping up the etiquette requirements on their behalf.    I hope your gift reflected their thoughtfulness.


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## Kal (Jun 10, 2016)

CatLovers said:


> Sorry Patri, I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but this is their wedding and it should be about them...



"It's MY WEDDING" was the byword for a close friend, mother of the bride, two weeks ago. The bride almost entirely cut the mother out of every aspect of the planning process. Unfortunately, the bride's parents gave the daughter $25,000 and they just watched the spending on her destination wedding. Given the off-shore location, six (8%) of the attendees were the bride's immediate family. That's what they got with this millennial wedding where the bride is definitely the center of the known universe, surrounded by all her party girlfriends.

At least the wedding couple kicked in another $15,000 to make ends meet.

The mother's belief was it's the "family wedding", but the daughter's marriage. Maybe a $40K down payment on a home would have made better sense.


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## klpca (Jun 10, 2016)

We're in the midst of wedding planning and everything is different than I expected. But I am adjusting. One thing that shocked me was the cost of the little things. Invitations (decent ones) were $3 each. As were the response cards. Plus postage. For 250+ because the groom comes from a huge family. We're not skipping the response cards, but I was very tempted.

Anyway I am sure that people will be talking. The kids are getting married in a national park - immediate family only - and there will be a catered picnic a month later. It's not my style,  but it *is* theirs. They don't want us to spend $65,000 on their wedding, which is a good thing because that's not happening, but the last two weddings that we have attended were in that price range. My daughter is very practical and would rather use the money to buy a home than have a sit down wedding reception. She would have skipped the party all together, but for the groom's family that would be unthinkable. 

I hope that you have a great time celebrating their marriage. I'm glad that you learned of the venue change before the day of the wedding. Try to have a great time with your family. It's always nice when family gets together for a wedding. And it's very nice of you to make the long trip to Arizona.


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## Luanne (Jun 10, 2016)

My daughter got married in her husband's parents back yard.  No invitations were sent, there were only 8 guests in addition to the bride, groom, one attendant each and the officiant.  It was exactly what they wanted (bride wore black, bundt cake and take out Chinese) and perfect.  They decided the planning was stressing them out too much.


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## geekette (Jun 10, 2016)

Paumavista said:


> There is no excuse (budget, preferences, etc) for poor manners!!
> When you invite someone to an event (especially if you are asking them to travel a distance to attend) - you politely provide maps, hotel suggestions, and insure they are aware of any venue changes!).
> 
> If you want to have a wedding on a hill top because that is your dream then you explain to people the possible difficulties - you might suggest that they join you directly at the reception or try your best to see what accommodations can be made to include these SPECIAL PEOPLE (If they're not special people than why not just say you're having a small private wedding and forgo the invites?).
> ...



Agree completely.  

Sure, "it's their day", but that does not excuse lack of basic consideration for the guests.  I find it exceptionally appalling that there is the expectation that guests are visiting this wedding website all through the lead up to the wedding, therefore negating the need to communicate DIRECTLY with invited guests.  

I would treat the invite in the same casual manner in which they expect to treat their guests and further ensure that my not-so-mobile nor internet-lucid mother not attempt to attend.


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## Patri (Jun 10, 2016)

Paumavista said:


> These are spoiled children.......what's sad is that your sister is not stepping up the etiquette requirements on their behalf.    I hope your gift reflected their thoughtfulness.



I didn't catch the irony of this until someone else quoted it. They were registered at a sporting goods store (and the prices were ridiculous) and a housewares store. I bought them a place setting and a bowl. Spendy enough. If they don't get the full set, I wonder if they will buy it themselves. Doubt they have the money. It was delivered to them months ago and she emailed an enthusiastic thank you. I am sure that is all it will be, but at least she did say thanks.
I made a commitment to attend every niece and nephew's wedding, but the logistics of this one have been a nightmare. The rooms had to be reserved in the winter as they were selling out. We are all staying at the same place. And no refund if you cancel. Only a credit at the resort. As if I would ever get back there. So between us all, too many rooms were paid for since a few people could not come.
If I wasn't financially committed I might have reconsidered (but still, I want to go). Another sister feels the same way. My mom flew in last night with a friend. Bride insisted she come, but from the schedule in the next week, I doubt the bride will spend much time with her. We will be in cabins in the woods, so I hope Mom doesn't trip on the uneven paths. We will have to be glued to her.
I will have a good time. Family makes it worth it.


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## easyrider (Jun 10, 2016)

In the last four years I have married a bunch of millennials. Every one of them had wrote their own vows and made the ceremony reflect who they are now. Some were in posh settings costing thousands of dollars but my favorites are the ones that cost very little and are in areas of natural beauty attended by whoever could make the trek. 

The last couple I married was in Mexico at a beach near Tulum. We did another small ceremony at the UVC Cancun on the balcony of the sales office on the top floor overlooking the Caribbean. Oddly, the sales staff and those attending the presentations opened a bunch of Champaign and toasted the newlyweds. This was all gesture as I had married them before we left to Mexico so it would be legal. 

We have also attended many weddings and only a couple of them were in a church. The last wedding & reception we attended was in a vineyard and winery. 

What I am finding interesting is funerals. The generation ( silent generation  born between 1923 - 1944) that is passing ahead of me has mostly church type or indoor facility funerals. I have had a few friends pass in our 50's ( baby bloomers ) and none has had an indoor funeral unless a shop is considered indoors. Most are having a celebration of the persons life party and most are being cremated and scattered somewhere they liked. 

I wonder what gen x and millenials will come up with for funerals. 

Bill


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## jackio (Jun 10, 2016)

My son got married 6 years ago, and they invited about 325.  304 attended.  They had 25 attendants.   The bride has   a very large family and many of them made the trip from Florida to New York for the occasion. Several other friends and relatives came from out of state.  A week before the wedding, my son informed me that they would not be having a receiving line at the church, because there would be too many people to greet and they did not want to miss any of the cocktail hour at the reception hall.
While I was not a part of the planning, and I stayed out of most of it, I hit the roof.  I could not believe that they would not have the decency to greet and thank the people who took the time to attend the ceremony, which is supposed to be the most important part of the day.
I told my son I was so disappointed.  I guess I shamed them because they did have the receiving line, and the bride's mother thanked me profusely for butting in.


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## CO skier (Jun 10, 2016)

easyrider said:


> Oddly, the sales staff and those attending the presentations opened a bunch of Champaign



That is odd.  Was it from a delimited region of Illinois?


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## T-Dot-Traveller (Jun 10, 2016)

CO skier said:


> That is odd.  Was it from a delimited region of Illinois?



It Sprang from a field 

DOH


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## FLDVCFamily (Jun 11, 2016)

Luanne said:


> My daughter got married in her husband's parents back yard.  No invitations were sent, there were only 8 guests in addition to the bride, groom, one attendant each and the officiant.  It was exactly what they wanted (bride wore black, bundt cake and take out Chinese) and perfect.  They decided the planning was stressing them out too much.



Love this!! Sound's like my sis's wedding a little bit. 

I'm always happy to hear young people who *get* it financially and who do something like this, or who just don't want to be stressed by the whole wedding drama.


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## VegasBella (Jun 11, 2016)

Be thankful you were invited. 
If you don't like how the wedding is done you can always decline the invite.

A wedding is like any other party and it's up to the party planners to decide how they want to do it. If you don't like it, don't attend.


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## VegasBella (Jun 11, 2016)

jackio said:


> I stayed out of most of it, I hit the roof.  I could not believe that they would not have the decency to greet and thank the people who took the time to attend the ceremony, which is supposed to be the most important part of the day.
> I told my son I was so disappointed.  I guess I shamed them because they did have the receiving line, and the bride's mother thanked me profusely for butting in.


Did anyone else thank you? I don't think *most* people agree with you that the receiving line is "the most important part of the day." It's an old tradition that MANY people don't do anymore.

I tend to decline wedding invitations (and send my husband alone) since I usually dislike weddings. But most of the ones I've been to have table visits rather than a receiving line as a way for the newlyweds to express gratitude to the guests. Table visits are more personal and allow for more catching up - I strongly prefer them and that's what I did at my own wedding reception (the ceremony was private and we only had 4 guests).

Can I also just mention how horrible receiving lines are for introverts? I can't imagine being either a bride or a guest in a receiving line with 350 people - that would be a nightmare.


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## Phydeaux (Jun 11, 2016)

CO skier said:


> That is odd.  Was it from a delimited region of Illinois?




:rofl::rofl::rofl::hysterical:


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## myoakley (Jun 11, 2016)

VegasBella;1895862

A wedding is like any other party and it's up to the party planners to decide how they want to do it. If you don't like it said:
			
		

> I don't agree that a wedding is like any other party.  It is supposed to be a solemn ceremony where a man and a woman exchange vows, and the "guests" are invited to be witnesses to these vows.  As someone who is about to celebrate a 51st anniversary, I realize how old-fashioned I am sounding.  Still, I can't help but wonder if the casualness with which one enters marriage corresponds to the ease with which one later exits.


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## Elan (Jun 11, 2016)

VegasBella said:


> Be thankful you were invited.
> If you don't like how the wedding is done you can always decline the invite.
> 
> A wedding is like any other party and it's up to the party planners to decide how they want to do it. If you don't like it, don't attend.


Agree completely.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## VegasBella (Jun 11, 2016)

myoakley said:


> I don't agree that a wedding is like any other party.  It is supposed to be a solemn ceremony where a man and a woman exchange vows, and the "guests" are invited to be witnesses to these vows.  As someone who is about to celebrate a 51st anniversary, I realize how old-fashioned I am sounding.  Still, I can't help but wonder if the casualness with which one enters marriage corresponds to the ease with which one later exits.



Well the science does not fully support your hypothesis (yet). The factors of a wedding that appear to influence the marriage duration are:
- low cost for ceremony
- low cost for engagement rings
- guests (seems to be a correlation between more guests and longer marriage)
- more time spent dating before wedding
- go on a honeymoon
and some other factors.

They haven't found a correlation between guests' enjoyment of the wedding, a receiving line, the solemn-ness of the ceremony, etc. And you should know too that same-sex couples are less likely to get divorced than straight couples. 

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/the-divorce-proof-marriage/381401/

http://www.advocate.com/politics/ma...3/report-same-sex-couples-less-likely-divorce


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## lvhmbh (Jun 11, 2016)

I have been married for 32 years and he lived with me for 3 before that.   I was a widow and he was divorced.  We were changing our careers and decided to just invite one person each with their partners to stand up with us.  No other guests.  My Mother's comment - I already saw you get married once.  His Mother said July in NYC you've got to be kidding.  We spent the money we saved on a stretch limo for us all with lots of champagne and a dinner following at and expensive restaurant.  After the dinner other friends joined us and we shot off bottle rockets on the westside pier - luckily not arrested.  

Patri - it's wonderful that you're showing such solidarity to the family even though it is stressful.  I hope, in the end, you have a good time.


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## jackio (Jun 11, 2016)

VegasBella said:


> Did anyone else thank you? I don't think *most* people agree with you that the receiving line is "the most important part of the day." It's an old tradition that MANY people don't do anymore.
> 
> I tend to decline wedding invitations (and send my husband alone) since I usually dislike weddings. But most of the ones I've been to have table visits rather than a receiving line as a way for the newlyweds to express gratitude to the guests. Table visits are more personal and allow for more catching up - I strongly prefer them and that's what I did at my own wedding reception (the ceremony was private and we only had 4 guests).
> 
> Can I also just mention how horrible receiving lines are for introverts? I can't imagine being either a bride or a guest in a receiving line with 350 people - that would be a nightmare.



I meant that the church ceremony was the most important part of the day, not the receiving line. I felt that if people made the effort to show up for the church to witness their vows, it would have been rude of them to walk down the aisle, out the door, and off to party without greeting them. They invited them to the church and they were the hosts.  they are definitely not introverts !
There were less than 100 who attended the church. They made table visits at the reception also.


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## ottawasquaw (Jun 11, 2016)

Please, please report back and let us know how it went! I'm glad to hear that they moved the "venue." It sounded dangerous! A scenic highway overlook? Well, first time for everything, eh?


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## DaveNV (Jun 11, 2016)

Sometimes, simple can be very nice.

When I was last married, on our tenth anniversary of being a couple, we grabbed two best friends, (one of whom was a hairdresser), and flew from Seattle to San Francisco.  We picked up the rental car at the airport, drove to the courthouse in SF to pick up the license, and headed for Napa Valley, where we stayed in a beautiful boutique B&B.  We met the wedding planner/officiant at a coffee shop in Napa that evening to finalize arrangements.  I'd found him on the Internet, and we'd had a number of conversations and emails prior, so there were only a few details remaining.

The next day, we had a total of 8 family members from both sides (from Reno and Fairfield, CA, respectively), join our two friends and us for a private wine tasting at a small winery in the mountains above Napa.  After a great midday wine tasting, we 12 plus the officiant and his helper all took a leisurely walk through the grape fields to a Eucalyptus-tree shaded hilltop.  We had our simple wedding ceremony there, and followed it up with a catered luncheon at a picnic area there on the hilltop in the winery.  The scenery was amazing.  The entire event was simple, unforgettable, and a perfect way to be married.  Two weeks later, back home here in Washington, we threw a big reception party for our friends and family here.  I had ordered custom wine bottle labels with our names and the wedding date on them, and after we soaked off the labels from some nice wine from the store here, we attached our labels to the bottles, and gave them as gifts to our guests.  It was a huge hit.  We specifically requested no gifts - we already owned a toaster.  

The entire thing was pretty inexpensive - counting airfare, the officiant, luncheon, the B&B costs, and the reception party, it was probably less than $3000.  Granted, it was intended to be an intimate affair, and it was.  I can't imagine a wedding with hundreds of guests, or one costing tens of thousands of dollars.  For us, it was perfect, and we wouldn't have changed a thing.

Traditional "church weddings" are amazing to see, but if the couple isn't the church type, it can be an awkward event that leaves everyone wondering what the whole point was.  I've been to some of them where people wondered why the couple didn't just elope, and save the expense. 

Patri, I completely understand your point about your niece's wedding, but as Denise mentioned, it may be easier to just go along with things, and try to enjoy the day.  I hope it did/does go well.

Dave


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## Luanne (Jun 11, 2016)

Dave, it sounds lovely.

When dd first started thinking about planning her wedding we told her we had a specific amount we were able to spend. Since she spent nowhere near that, we ended up gifting that amount to she and her husband.

Worst part about dd's wedding was her sister missed it as she had left for Thailand a few days earlier.  Best part, they got married on my birthday.


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## DaveNV (Jun 11, 2016)

Luanne said:


> Dave, it sounds lovely.
> 
> When dd first started thinking about planning her wedding we told her we had a specific amount we were able to spend. Since she spent nowhere near that, we ended up gifting that amount to she and her husband.
> 
> Worst part about dd's wedding was her sister missed it as she had left for Thailand a few days earlier.  Best part, they got married on my birthday.




Sounds great! In our case, parents on both sides are deceased, so siblings filled the role of family members and witnesses. It really was a nice experience.

Dave


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## Luanne (Jun 11, 2016)

DaveNW said:


> Sounds great! In our case, parents on both sides are deceased, so siblings filled the role of family members and witnesses. It really was a nice experience.
> 
> Dave



The whole wedding was pulled off in a few weeks.  Dd called me said they wanted to elope.  I asked if that meant no parents.  She said no, but they wanted to do in when we were already planning to be in San Francisco.  Our trip had been planned to bring her sister to San Francisco, spend a few days, then the sister would fly to Thailand where she would be teaching.

The first weekend we were there the groom's parents weren't available, neither was the wedding officiant (who was also a friend).  The second weekend we were there everyone was available except our younger dd.  She was very disappointed, but I told her parents trump siblings and they wanted the groom's parents there.

P.S.  This is the dd and sil who are thinking of moving to Seattle.


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## DaveNV (Jun 11, 2016)

Luanne said:


> P.S.  This is the dd and sil who are thinking of moving to Seattle.



Tell them to go ahead and move here, and I'll officiate a renewal of their vows so her sister can attend.  Better late than never. 

Dave


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## mdurette (Jun 11, 2016)

removed by poster


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## heathpack (Jun 11, 2016)

DaveNW said:


> Sometimes, simple can be very nice.
> 
> When I was last married, on our tenth anniversary of being a couple, we grabbed two best friends, (one of whom was a hairdresser), and flew from Seattle to San Francisco.  We picked up the rental car at the airport, drove to the courthouse in SF to pick up the license, and headed for Napa Valley, where we stayed in a beautiful boutique B&B.  We met the wedding planner/officiant at a coffee shop in Napa that evening to finalize arrangements.  I'd found him on the Internet, and we'd had a number of conversations and emails prior, so there were only a few details remaining.
> 
> ...



See, I knew I liked you and not just because of your taste in dogs.

We didn't get married until we'd been a couple for 9 years.  I hated the idea of wedding hoopla.  I thought a destination wedding would have been nice but my ideas were beyond my own pocketbook at the time.

Then we bought a house and needed to be married for the closing.  So I said if I can put something together in the 6 weeks I have til closing, I'll do it.  Otherwise, it's justice of the peace for us.

We were living in Maine at the time.  I found a nice seaside inn.  They couldn't do a Saturday or Sunday but we they could do a brunch wedding & reception Friday morning.  Deal.  We weren't sure who would be able to come on a Friday morning, but in the end almost everybody we invited came.  Fifty people or thereabouts.

We got married on the lawn overlooking the ocean.  It was a beautiful day.  We had a lovely brunch and mimosas and the most delicious cake ever.  No band, no dancing, no speaches.  Just a low key and lovely mellow simple thing.

After the reception, we had close family come by the house and we got to hang out the rest of the day.  Then we left for a brief honeymoon in Quebec City, we drove to save money.

I think the whole wedding cost something like $5000.  I'm pretty sure as weddings go, we did parts of it wrong.  But I've never heard any complaints, except from my mother (but that's par for the course!).  One of our friends had put together a wedding recently for their son and it took 18 months to plan.  She commented that it was amazing that ours was every bit as nice & she wondered if maybe they should have done theirs a little more simply.

Not too relevant to the original post, but I like thinking back about our wedding.


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## Luanne (Jun 11, 2016)

DaveNW said:


> Tell them to go ahead and move here, and I'll officiate a renewal of their vows so her sister can attend.  Better late than never.
> 
> Dave



Her sister is now in Vancouver, BC.  Much closer.


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## DaveNV (Jun 11, 2016)

heathpack said:


> See, I knew I liked you and not just because of your taste in dogs.







heathpack said:


> Not too relevant to the original post, but I like thinking back about our wedding.




See?  I knew I liked you for the same reason.  Your wedding sounds wonderful! Bravo!  And I presume you made the closing date?

Did I mention the wedding cake we had at our reception?  Killer good, for wedding cake.  It's been years, and we still have some in the freezer. Probably not so great anymore, but I may have to thaw it out to check.  LOL!

Dave


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## MuranoJo (Jun 12, 2016)

We've gone to pretty extensive lengths ourselves for family weddings.  Compared to our own wedding, some of these are super pricey and cost guests' a lot to attend, not to mention time away when it's a destination wedding or cross country.
So I can see why some of the expectations can seem a bit ridiculous.  But I have to admit, we've enjoyed every wedding we've attended.

But the smartest weddings are those where the bride & groom go cheapo and save the money for a lavish honeymoon, or for a down payment on a new home.


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## jehb2 (Jun 12, 2016)

We had a beautiful afternoon wedding.  My husband wore tails.  Many years later I learnerd that the groom should wear a suit & not tails at an afternoon wedding.  I'm really glad I didn't know this rule, and glad nobody bothered me about it.  I absolutely adored my groom in tails.


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## heathpack (Jun 12, 2016)

DaveNW said:


> See?  I knew I liked you for the same reason.  Your wedding sounds wonderful! Bravo!  And I presume you made the closing date?
> 
> Did I mention the wedding cake we had at our reception?  Killer good, for wedding cake.  It's been years, and we still have some in the freezer. Probably not so great anymore, but I may have to thaw it out to check.  LOL!
> 
> Dave



The funny thing about the closing: the people we were buying from were super nice and in the end they really needed to move the closing date up to before our wedding.  We could have said no but that would have left them in a lurch.

So in the end, we (secretly) got married and the justice of the peace anyway.  But everyone was coming already so we went through with the event anyway.  Shh!  Don't tell my mother!

Yes, the closing on the house went off without a hitch!


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## stmartinfan (Jun 12, 2016)

Just a comment that not all millennials disregard tradition, manners and the comfort of their guests!

My dd got married last weekend.  The 1st step in the planning was to book our church for the ceremony and to request that the pastor who had baptized her officiate.  It was a lovely, meaningful ceremony.  They skipped the receiving line because we had to clear out of the church quickly due to a regular Saturday night service.  But they went immediately to the reception and greeted people there as they arrived.

They mailed a nice (but not expensive) photo invitation, complete with a stamped reply card.  People did respond promptly but then nearly 10 of the 150 "yes" responses "no showed" to the dinner.  So not all wedding guests have good manners either!  

For the most part, dd planned and handled the wedding details, managing a budget we'd set.  We toured reception venues with them, and did stipulate the the location needed to be a reasonable distance from the church, because we didn't want to make out of town guests drive a long distance, especially into unfamiliar or confusing areas with difficult parking.

Otherwise, we stepped back, offered opinions when asked and accepted that her priorities might be different than ours.  For example, I would have spent less on flowers and had a live band instead of a dj.....but the reception looked lovely with the tall arrangements she picked and the dj did a great job.  She had a "green screen" and props where guests could take fun photos and receive a print to take home.  It was huge hit and a great way to spend $600 of her budget.  

She wanted to do assigned tables, not something I might have done because I'm a bit more casual, but it was the right decision and we helped her place our relatives so they'd enjoy their table company.

Lots of family from both sides attended, so it became a family reunion are well.  Everybody seemed to have a good time, and we've heard from many what a fun evening it was.  

Only down point:  the groom's father refused to attend, for what we've been told was "religious" reasons with no details on why.   We didn't press them for more info because it's not really our business. His mother and all of his many siblings, their spouses or dates and nieces and nephews did, some of whom live in other cities, so he missed the chance to see his family together.  Not a decision I can understand, and one that will leave a bad relationship with the groom for some time, I suspect.


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## Luanne (Jun 12, 2016)

My nephew, who is two years older than my older dd, got married about 8 years ago.  Big church wedding, tons of attendants, sit down dinner reception.  I got neither an invitation, or a thank you note.  My sister thinks the invitation didn't get sent as maybe our name was cut off the list when it was printed.  Whatever.  I knew (or at least assumed) we were invited.  We gave the bride and groom money so they could get a rental car for their honeymoon.  I did get a verbal "thanks" at the wedding, but that was it.  I know my dd sat down and wrote thank you notes for every gift she received after she and her husband were married.  Some kids.


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## VegasBella (Jun 12, 2016)

Since everyone's sharing I will also share my own wedding. My husband and I married on the 1 year anniversary of the day we met. We got married in Valley of Fire, a gorgeous state park outside Las Vegas. The only guests were our moms, my sister, and my nephew. Then we spent a couple nights there camping. 

A month later we held the reception. The wedding ceremony was about us. The reception was more about the guests. So we scheduled it over a holiday weekend so more people could attend. We held it on The Strip and about 75 attendees came. We did a slideshow of our ceremony, a few toasts, a meal, and wine. No dancing or anything like that. We also planned group activities over the whole weekend for whoever wanted to attend - things like hikes and poker games.

A few months later we took another honeymoon to Paris. All told it cost us about $8k. The ceremony was the least expensive, the reception was the most expensive. The money spent on the honeymoons was the best money spent 

We married nearly 11 years ago. Not millennials but not traditional either.

---

One thought about postcard invitations and email RSVP - it saves paper not just money. We had a lot of discussion about the invitations because my MIL wanted the traditional fancy type and I just wanted postcards. We compromised with recycled paper invitations that used a postcard RSVP to save some trees by having fewer envelopes.


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## Suesue1738 (Jun 12, 2016)

*Wedding planned in a day*

My son proposed to his fiancé and the very next day, all in one day, they planned their wedding.  They, too, are outdoor enthusiasts and want to hike into a National Forest with a minister, a photographer, and another witness to get married.  I can't blame them.  When my husband and I started planning our wedding 30 years ago, we gave up the plans (too stressful) and eloped in Vegas!!  Much more our speed.  I guess that whole "Apple not falling too far from the tree" is pretty accurate.  Simplicity, with each other and God, just sounds so much more of a "dream wedding" than spending thousands of dollars on one day.


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## stmartinfan (Jun 12, 2016)

I've enjoyed reading about some of the "alternate" wedding options people have chosen.  I figure however you choose to plan and execute a wedding is fine, if it makes you happy.   But as soon as you decide to invite others to attend, you then have an obligation to be a good host.  That means things like being easily accessible and comfortable for everyone invited, including older guests.  That doesn't necessarily mean having to have all the "official" things like a reception line or assigned seating, but does affect things like terrain, chairs, timing , food, etc.  I think guests get annoyed when it's only about what the bridal couple wants with little concern for those who are making the effort to attend.


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## geekette (Jun 13, 2016)

Luanne said:


> My nephew, who is two years older than my older dd, got married about 8 years ago.  Big church wedding, tons of attendants, sit down dinner reception.  I got neither an invitation, or a thank you note.  My sister thinks the invitation didn't get sent as maybe our name was cut off the list when it was printed.  Whatever.  I knew (or at least assumed) we were invited.  We gave the bride and groom money so they could get a rental car for their honeymoon.  I did get a verbal "thanks" at the wedding, but that was it.  I know my dd sat down and wrote thank you notes for every gift she received after she and her husband were married.  Some kids.



I'm confused - you didn't get an invite and went anyway??  

Agree that thank you notes are ALWAYS handwritten and sent via snail mail.  I rejected it as bride's job alone and pointed out to my groom that the gifts were to both of us, and many gifts from people "on his side" that I was not acquainted with until day of wedding.  That is in fact how we ended up splitting the chore.


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## geekette (Jun 13, 2016)

stmartinfan said:


> I've enjoyed reading about some of the "alternate" wedding options people have chosen.  I figure however you choose to plan and execute a wedding is fine, if it makes you happy.   But as soon as you decide to invite others to attend, you then have an obligation to be a good host.  That means things like being easily accessible and comfortable for everyone invited, including older guests.  That doesn't necessarily mean having to have all the "official" things like a reception line or assigned seating, but does affect things like terrain, chairs, timing , food, etc.  I think guests get annoyed when it's only about what the bridal couple wants with little concern for those who are making the effort to attend.



agree completely.  Good hosts look after the needs of their guests, especially their most precious elderly relatives.  I cannot imagine telling Aunt Rose, nearly crippled by RA, to bring her own chair.  

I am all for outdoor weddings, if this is what bride and groom desire, but it is a very simple matter to rent chairs for an event.  It's inexcusable to not at least secure one chair per expected guest.  

If the wedding/reception are backyard bbq, this is fine by me, but do communicate to me well in advance that it would help if I brought all the lawn chairs I have (assuming local wedding or at least drive-to location where I can drop off items day before etc).  I would even bring shade tents, with proper notice, or whatever the couple needs that I happen to have.


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## bizaro86 (Jun 13, 2016)

geekette said:


> I'm confused - you didn't get an invite and went anyway??
> 
> Agree that thank you notes are ALWAYS handwritten and sent via snail mail.  I rejected it as bride's job alone and pointed out to my groom that the gifts were to both of us, and many gifts from people "on his side" that I was not acquainted with until day of wedding.  That is in fact how we ended up splitting the chore.



I'm a millenial, and definitely wrote the thank you notes to my (grooms) side of the family. It seemd only fair for me to write to the scores of relatives my parents insisted on inviting.


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## easyrider (Jun 13, 2016)

I officiated an outdoor wedding at a winery with a live band and over 300 guests for the ceremony. Too me, it seemed way too many people because there was another 200 + trying to attend. The wedding march for me, the groom and parents was Bad to the Bone. The music for the wedding march for the eight brides maids and eight groomsmen was a really cool live instrumental that turned into a beautiful song as the bride and her father entered the procession. The young female singer that was brought in for the wedding is some famous singer who sang three songs throughout the ceremony.  

Instead of the meet and greet the wedding party went and took pictures while mingling with those that were significant to them. My point being is that not every one is actually significant in these peoples lives and occasionally there are too many people that makes seeing someone on their wedding day very difficult. 

Bill


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## Luanne (Jun 13, 2016)

geekette said:


> I'm confused - you didn't get an invite and went anyway??
> 
> Agree that thank you notes are ALWAYS handwritten and sent via snail mail.  I rejected it as bride's job alone and pointed out to my groom that the gifts were to both of us, and many gifts from people "on his side" that I was not acquainted with until day of wedding.  That is in fact how we ended up splitting the chore.



Yes I went anyway.  This was my only sister's only son.  I knew from my sister that we were supposed to have gotten an invitation.  I just thought it was strange that after she (my sister and supposedly the bride as well) knew we hadn't gotten one that she (the bride) didn't mail one to us.  At one point my mother (grandmother of the groom) was so upset that she told me I could be her guest.


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## glypnirsgirl (Jun 14, 2016)

*It takes all kinds*

For first marriage, did traditional wedding but on the lawn of the church instead of inside. Had an informal barbecue reception. I wrote all of the thank you notes. The best part of the ceremony was a brass quintet from the Dallas Symphony Orchestra that played baroque music.

Second marriage, to my Quaker husband, no flowers, no music, no attendants, informal invitations. Had reception for everyone at a local Mexican restaurant. 

Both weddings were dictated by my husband. My sister says she doesn't know how I could have ended up with two husband who cared more about the wedding than I did. 

Son and daughter in law had formal, traditional wedding. It was fun and I got to talk to lots of former husband's family who i have really missed since the divorce. 

Daughter and son in law really personalized their wedding. Got married in a state park, traditional wedding dress and color matching only attendant dresses --- which was  a great idea --- one bridesmaid was 6' tall and slender, one was 4'10" and a little apple dumpling of a woman, total of 8 attendants. Groom and his attendants all wore black suits, white shirts and matching ties. Music was from various Star Trek movies. Had brunch for everyone a couple of hours before the ceremony. Then had a sit down dinner reception with dancing. Couple wrote their own vows. My daughter's vows were all Star Wars puns. It was a mixture of traditional, modern and irreverent. 

To each their own. It's the marriage, not the wedding.

elaine


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## MommaBear (Jun 14, 2016)

Patri said:


> I am flying half way across the country tomorrow for my niece's wedding. It is Monday since the reception venue is cheaper. Niece is 24.
> Things are just done differently these days. Invitation was cheaply done on a postcard. No RSVP card. Had to reply via email.
> Bride and groom set up a wedding page. Details, directions, etc. I never went to it. Ceremony is outdoors on a highway scenic overlook in AZ. We are supposed to park below and walk up, or get shuttled by nephews. Tourists could be walking by, too. (Bride and groom are outdoor fanatics).
> At reception some chairs would be out for family, but other people should bring lawn chairs.
> ...



It is true that with each generation the formalities and traditions for weddings relax and change. DD2 is a wedding planner at a very pricey ocean front resort and she has many stories of the variations of ways to do weddings and the attendees behavior.

What would bother me most about this whole scenario is the lack of communication about the change in venue. It would never occur to me to go back to check the website for this kind of detail. I can just picture having flown across country to enjoy seeing my family only to show up at the designated roadside rest stop and be totally alone. I would be heartsick about missing the event and 
totally upset that I spent the money and the time to miss the event and spend time at a rest stop.


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## Egret1986 (Jun 14, 2016)

*That has always been my thought*



glypnirsgirl said:


> To each their own. It's the marriage, not the wedding.
> 
> elaine



Justice of the Peace, one witness and us on Christmas Eve in a borrowed dress with only a couple of bad Polaroids.  It was supposed to be more in the early planning, but it got too crazy trying to please others.

Married 33 years.  For us, "it's the marriage, not the wedding."  "To each their own."

No regrets.


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## Luanne (Jun 14, 2016)

Egret1986 said:


> For us, "it's the marriage, not the wedding."  "To each their own."
> 
> No regrets.



That's what I've always told my daughters.  That and "elope, elope, elope".


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## rickandcindy23 (Jun 14, 2016)

Our son just got married this past Friday night.  It was a very formal wedding and only a few family members were invited.  I wanted to invite more, but the bride and groom had a lot of friends who attended, and they wanted to keep the numbers down.  I think there were 106 total people, and at least 20 of them were part of the wedding entourage.


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## VegasBella (Jun 14, 2016)

stmartinfan said:


> as soon as you decide to invite others to attend, you then have an obligation to be a good host.  That means things like being easily accessible and comfortable for everyone invited, including older guests.



Except that you can't be a good host to absolutely everyone. Each person attending will have their own set of expectations and some are just destined to be disappointed.

Has anyone considered the possibility that an informal "invitation" to a destination wedding that would be difficult for most people to attend may NOT be a true invitation? Some people might invite guests out of obligation but don't actually want them to attend. IMO, if the couple doesn't reach out to me beyond sending me an invitation, I don't feel truly invited and I definitely don't feel compelled to attend.


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## Luanne (Jun 14, 2016)

VegasBella said:


> IMO, if the couple doesn't reach out to me beyond sending me an invitation, I don't feel truly invited and I definitely don't feel compelled to attend.



Are you talking just about an email invitation, or any kind of invitation?


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## heathpack (Jun 14, 2016)

I love the wedding stories.


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## Kal (Jun 15, 2016)

heathpack said:


> I love the wedding stories.



We departed from our reception in a helicopter.  The pilot was freaking out because he didn't want rice to harm the engine.  Our destination was the top of a 50 floor building.  Once we got off the ground he said _"where are we goin'?"_  After I told him, he said _"...that should be fun as I've never landed on a building before! _"

 Once we landed on the building it dawned on me that I never checked to see if the door would be open.  I could just see us hanging over the side of the building screaming for someone to come up and open the door!


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## MuranoJo (Jun 15, 2016)

Our wedding was El Cheapo.  My side of the family didn't really have money and parents were divorced + they were off in other states.  DH's family hosted our wedding in their back yard.  It was simple, with catered wild game buffet, and chairs out on the lawn and open bar, with a guitar player in the background.  I designed our wedding invitations with a poem and an artist's sketch of the Sawtooth Mountains in the background (we were avid backpackers back then). My entrance song was 'Colour My World' which was not quite up to par because the gal who was going to play the flute didn't show up.  But the funny thing is--we got very positive comments about that wedding for years later.
KISS principle works, I guess.  Since then, I've attended many very expensive weddings and think back to our more relaxed, easy wedding (plus way less expensive) and I'm glad we went that route.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 15, 2016)

My oldest niece (27) got married March (2016) across the country from where I and most of our relatives live. I have seen this niece about once every 5-7 years - her mother only slightly more and usually during an issue with our elderly parents.

Not HIGH on my list of things to do ... got shoved onto the "have to go" list.

My nonstop flight got delayed 5+ hours due to plane issues ... the entire wedding party (the young people) stayed in a villa among the grapes while my side of the family stayed in a Best Western ... an aged motel. Barely saw my nieces (bride and her maid of honor). 

So time change, flight delay, boom-dock wedding location, way over priced motel .... I expect next year, the other niece will get married. At least, I had 1 great adventure trip with her  .... NYE in Key West and 6 nights in Ft Lauderdale. Her mother STILL has NOT forgiven me in the past 9 years for that. Niece still grins like a fat cat ...


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## VegasBella (Jun 15, 2016)

Luanne said:


> Are you talking just about an email invitation, or any kind of invitation?



Any kind of invitation, honestly. An invitation without any discussion with the host is - to me - weird, impersonal, and I would not be inclined to view it as a "real" invitation. It would feel more like it was done out of obligation or formality etc. It would be clear from that situation that I wasn't in the "inner circle" of people whom the hosts truly wanted to be in attendance.

If I wanted to attend I would definitely try to communicate with the people who sent me the invitation. I would reach out and try to have some sort of real conversation with them. And I would accept that they'd invited me for whatever their reasons were and that I was attending for whatever my reasons were and that the two may not exactly match up. 

For example, I'd probably be attending in order to catch up with family or friends more than to witness the couple's nuptials. I would 'play my part' and give an appropriate gift and be respectful at the event. I would not whine about the host's choice of venue or style of ceremony etc. I might be annoyed by something or other but I'd simply chalk it up to the reality that I wasn't 'first in line' to receive an invitation.


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## geekette (Jun 15, 2016)

VegasBella said:


> Except that you can't be a good host to absolutely everyone. Each person attending will have their own set of expectations and some are just destined to be disappointed.
> 
> Has anyone considered the possibility that an informal "invitation" to a destination wedding that would be difficult for most people to attend may NOT be a true invitation? Some people might invite guests out of obligation but don't actually want them to attend. IMO, if the couple doesn't reach out to me beyond sending me an invitation, I don't feel truly invited and I definitely don't feel compelled to attend.



Wow, no, of course I had never thought that an invite would ever mean "DON'T COME".  

People are busy, I have no expectation of a personal contact in that month between invite going out and event occurring.  I can make it or not and RSVP as soon as I know.  Waiting around for "we really want you there" is too much ego for me when the event is not at all about me.  The couple has things to do other than assure every invited guest that the invite is legit.

Anyone sending invites to people they don't want to show up are beyond rude.  In that case, send announcements instead.


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## Luanne (Jun 15, 2016)

VegasBella said:


> Any kind of invitation, honestly. An invitation without any discussion with the host is - to me - weird, impersonal, and I would not be inclined to view it as a "real" invitation. It would feel more like it was done out of obligation or formality etc. It would be clear from that situation that I wasn't in the "inner circle" of people whom the hosts truly wanted to be in attendance.



Wow.  How many events do you miss out on because of this?

I'm trying to remember back when dh and I got married.  I don't think we personally talked to every one of the guests we invited.  Some were friends of my parents, who I had known for years, but didn't have much contact with.  We wanted them there though.

I guess if you need to feel you are in the inner circle then by all means wait for the personal invitation as well.  I just find it odd.


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## DeniseM (Jun 15, 2016)

I know that the families are extremely busy when organizing a wedding, and I would not expect them to contact me personally, unless I was in the wedding party, or assisting with the wedding in some way.  A mailed invitation is perfectly correct.


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## Luanne (Jun 15, 2016)

DeniseM said:


> I know that the families are extremely busy when organizing a wedding, and I would not expect them to contact me personally, unless I was in the wedding party, or assisting with the wedding in some way.  A mailed invitation is perfectly correct.



Exactly.


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## VegasBella (Jun 15, 2016)

Luanne said:


> How many events do you miss out on because of this?


All the ones where my absence isn't missed. 
I'm definitely not the type of person to crash a party or show up where I'm unwanted. 


The OP in this thread called the hosts "cheap" and "fanatics" and "ignorant." I can't imagine they have a close relationship. Perhaps it's not even a friendly relationship. It sounds as though she's only attending to catch up with other family members, not to celebrate the couple. 

To me, the writing is on the wall. If a location and date is chosen that's OBVIOUSLY inconvenient for a number of guests, then those guests probably won't be missed much if they don't attend. Personally, I wouldn't whine about it all. I would just not attend.


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## Luanne (Jun 15, 2016)

Never mind.


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## ottawasquaw (Jun 15, 2016)

MommaBear said:


> What would bother me most about this whole scenario is the lack of communication about the change in venue. It would never occur to me to go back to check the website for this kind of detail. I can just picture having flown across country to enjoy seeing my family only to show up at the designated roadside rest stop and be totally alone. I would be heartsick about missing the event and
> totally upset that I spent the money and the time to miss the event and spend time at a rest stop.



methinks their intent was a flash mob wedding of sorts. There would be no legal way to get permission to have one's wedding at a scenic overlook. They probably realized that they had too many guests to pull it off, what with parking of cars and such.

Just not well thought out.


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## Patri (Jun 15, 2016)

We are back. As I knew, had a GREAT time with my family. My 3 sisters and I came up with a goofy dance and we performed it at the reception. It was a hit. The nephews say we have to dance at their weddings whenever they occur.

The wedding/reception, by many people's count, was the most unorganized thing we have ever seen. This is where I think it is ok for parents to pay attention to what is planned, and at least speak up on how a tweak here or there may make for a better day. All my sis ever said was, "It's H's day, and whatever she wants, she gets."

The wedding was on top of a mountain. It was windy and cold. Most people were under-dressed, including the young friends. The bride and bridesmaids were significantly late, still getting photos taken somewhere else.

At the reception, no one was in charge. It finally dawned on me the value of a professional DJ. The groom's parents hired a guy to operate the music but he was not a DJ. People kept turning to him for direction, and he had no clue. I felt bad for him. Sis had said our family was seated together. Mom sat at the table as the rest of us went back to the resort to get a few things. (It was in walking distance). When we got back, groom's parents were in our chairs and kicked us out. Said the table was only for immediate family. Bride's sister said we were to eat with the young people and get to know them. Later sis called back we siblings. We were allowed to sit at the table, but not our grown kids. That gang did not sit with the millennial strangers. The cousins all sat together, since they rarely see each other.

No one mentioned when the bride and groom left after the meal for more pictures, so for an hour nothing was going on. I didn't even realize they had gone. The couple never walked around to greet the guests. Bride mentioned later she was sad she didn't get to talk to some people. (She certainly could have made the effort.) Some people left during the down time.

Venue had never served such a large crowd, so twice the music system didn't work, (during entrance of wedding party, and for a LONG time during the dance). Fuses kept blowing. That was the site's fault. Throughout the evening, some guests tried to keep things moving - telling staff when to turn on lights so we could see speakers, etc. One groomsman was supposed to be an amazing solo dancer, but I was gone by the time he was finally able to get on. (Jet lag). I hope a video of him shows up.

I guess groom's parents made the bride cry the night before. They were concerned about lack of order when they asked her for details about the night. The mom also had some superstitions she insisted bride address (the silly good luck stuff), which really upset my niece.

No announcement when they cut the cake. Sometimes groom would try to yell out what was next, but since venue was inside/outside, it was hard to hear him. 

Still, my kids had a great night. It was a long trip for them too, but worth it.
We spent time with the newlyweds the next day on a rugged hike. I did it!

Sis kind of forgot about our mom, who was staying with them. She didn't figure out the logistics of how she would get around or who was responsible for her at any given time. No one had a car at the reception, since we could walk back. But mom couldn't. Sis never thought about that. And didn't seem to care as the night went on. Of course, we took care of mom.

My sons are married. When our only DD ties the knot, we will know what NOT to do.

In the end, they are married. That is what matters.


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## Luanne (Jun 15, 2016)

Patri said:


> In the end, they are married. That is what matters.



Yep.

Glad you had a good time with your family.


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## Ricci (Jun 15, 2016)

Our daughter got married on Sanibel Island in May and she is having her reception locally for friends/family who were not invited to the actual wedding.  I am in the midst of planning it.....two days to go.  :whoopie:

Here is the highlight video of the wedding.....  

https://vimeo.com/167814474


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## Karen G (Jun 16, 2016)

Ricci said:


> Our daughter got married on Sanibel Island in May
> Here is the highlight video of the wedding.....



Beautiful! Thanks for sharing!


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## taffy19 (Jun 16, 2016)

Ricci said:


> Our daughter got married on Sanibel Island in May and she is having her reception locally for friends/family who were not invited to the actual wedding.  I am in the midst of planning it.....two days to go.  :whoopie:
> 
> Here is the highlight video of the wedding.....
> 
> https://vimeo.com/167814474


What a lovely wedding movie and thank you all for sharing your stories of such a personal time in your life.


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## Egret1986 (Jun 16, 2016)

*Wow!  That was beautiful and seemed so effortless.*



Ricci said:


> Our daughter got married on Sanibel Island in May and she is having her reception locally for friends/family who were not invited to the actual wedding.  I am in the midst of planning it.....two days to go.  :whoopie:
> 
> Here is the highlight video of the wedding.....
> 
> https://vimeo.com/167814474



That video was great!  Thank you for sharing.  Nicely done.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.


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## JudyH (Jun 16, 2016)

My kids planned their own wedding.  With a little financial help from the parents.  They wanted an outdoor wedding by the river.  Just a tent.  No building around just in case.  I offered to rent the firehall down the road just in case.  Was to to mind my own business.

Just as the guests arrived, the black clouds did too.  Tornado warnings.  High winds.  Rain all night.  Wish I knew how to post the picture of the wedding party on the boat dock with the black clouds blowing in.

Guess they won't let their kids plan an outdoor wedding.


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## Patri (Jun 16, 2016)

Ricci said:


> Here is the highlight video of the wedding.....



Ricci, the videographer was quite talented. Beautiful gown. Have a wonderful reception on Saturday.


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