# Divorce



## puppymommo (Jun 13, 2012)

I am in shock.  DH just told me he wants a divorce.  We agreed to a 6 month trial separation, which we would have been doing anyway, as he has been staying with his mother in another state.

To be honest it kind of ticks me off.  DH has severe mental illness and I remember years before he got diagnosed when I thought about divorce every day. But I stuck with  him.  In sickness and in health, right?  Now he is on disability (won't get payments until September) so there is no reason for him  to not go live with his mother.  She is his best friend.

I know the relationship has been strained for years.  We did talk about it a few months ago and agreed that we would try to take this year (DD's first year in college) to try to work on our relationship.  But now it appears he no longer wants to do that. It just frustrates me that I hung in there with him when he was angry all the time and verbally attacking me and now that he is on medication and is pleasant to be around he doesn't want to be around me.  Says I make him nervous and anxious.

My biggest concern is not for me but for what will happen to him  when she passes away.  She is only 80 but not in the best of health.  He will need a lot of support.

He said he wants to be my friend, not my husband.  Says he will do anything for me.

Thanks for "listening".  This literally just happened.


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## Sandy VDH (Jun 13, 2012)

I got the similiar thing 5 months ago.  I got home from a business trip to the UK and while I was unpacking I got from exDH "I want a divorce", no real warning or discussion. 

I didn't fight and argue.  Why would I want to stay with someone who does not want me any more.


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## 6scoops (Jun 13, 2012)

I have to say, life is short why stay in a any relationship that does not make you happy!  You never know whats around the corner, think of the possibility's  this opens up for you!  Maybe you will get to spend the rest of your life not dealing with a husband who is mentally ill.  I know it's hard to see now but, you will prob be better off in the long run!!  hasta la vista baby!!


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## Jaybee (Jun 13, 2012)

Puppymommo....I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope it turns out to be a good thing for you, but the shock must be a jolt to your "ego-system".  
I think I would just wish him well, and not be concerned about what happens when he loses his "best friend".

It sounds as if you've held up your end of the vows. How many years have you been doing that?  It's very sad, and I hope you come through this stronger, and intact.


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## Jaybee (Jun 13, 2012)

Sandy, I had no idea!  I'm so sorry, but you seem to be taking it well.  You have a healthy attitude. Who needs someone who doesn't appreciate, or want you?  Hugs to you, and wishes for a brighter future. You're so talented and smart. 





Sandy Lovell said:


> I got the similiar thing 5 months ago.  I got home from a business trip to the UK and while I was unpacking I got from exDH "I want a divorce", no real warning or discussion.
> 
> I didn't fight and argue.  Why would I want to stay with someone who does not want me any more.


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## geekette (Jun 13, 2012)

It is not natural to be friends with ex's and I would not agree to that except with the general noncommittal "sure".  

You hung with him, did your part, now he wants out, so I think your concern about what happens to him after his mother dies is misplaced.  It's not your problem.  Focus on YOU. 

Deal with your hurt and anger on your own or via counselling or this kind of talking it out, make your plans and go with them.  You have no obligation to be his support when MIL dies, he's making it clear that he no longer desires your support nor companionship.  I rather doubt that he "would do anything" for you and is instead justifying to himself, assuaging his own guilt.  He made his choice, it wasn't you.  I also said things I probably didn't really mean at the end, to try to soften the blow.  he has not attempted to call me on any of them as maybe he also knows it was bunk.

You did the honorable thing, in sickness and health, so at least you don't have to feel guilty about dumping him when he was sick.  Instead, you just got set free, so embrace that and think about your new life.  

FWIW, my x also had ... "issues", and my life is so much easier, brighter, now.  I also stuck around because of the marriage vows and kick myself for not getting out sooner.  I wasn't happy and perhaps you weren't either.

Embrace the opportunity to fill your life with things and people you enjoy in an effort to make your life Happier and Healthier for yourself.

I would not take him back from his mother's house, before or after her death.  For me, once it's over, there is no going back.

I'm not sure if I should say sorry or congratulations, but I will say this:  at least now you are both on the same page, and that has got to be a relief.


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## brigechols (Jun 13, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> My biggest concern is not for me but for what will happen to him  when she passes away.  She is only 80 but not in the best of health.  He will need a lot of support.




Your biggest concern at this time should be you and your DD. Don't worry. He can find support elsewhere when he loses his best friend.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 13, 2012)

*Run to the nearest lawyer and GET THAT DIVORICE!*

What a relief you will find that to be! 

I have had 2 semi-serious relationships which last for 3-5+ years each. One was a DRUNK and the other was a closet manic-depressive. Drunk was easy to figure out, but the other guy was sweet and sensitive and then would be caustic and mean. He would go secretively on his meds and be "normal" and then would go off them, as he could not get an erection. Yo-yo' ing and calling me crazy - chasing other women (and even getting engaged to a couple of them during 3-6 month out of town work assignments). 

Afterwards, change your phone number and email addresses - let yourself adjust for a good year. Treat yourself to some serious quiet time. And realize, you need to TREAT YOURSELF BETTER.

*And NEVER, EVER take him back.* And be sure YOUR DAUGHTER does not get snared in HIS issues and problems.

PS I even moved 3 times to hide from the drunk - he cost me a great job, had me living in fear, had (worthless) protection orders, multiple complaints filed against him, etc. And still 30 years later, I do not have a listed phone and use a PO Box for all my mail.


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## geekette (Jun 13, 2012)

hopefully it won't be as bad as all that!

I would caution you on the lawyer thing - if one of you gets one, the other has to.  

We went Do It Yourself and were in control of everything and paid only filing fees.  Yes, we needed to be in contact to do that, but once we agreed on how to split things, it was very easy to fill in the blanks and file.  There was little we needed a court order for so had most all split out before the paper agreement.

It was amicable for us and I recommend DIY for anyone that is on speaking terms with soon-to-be-x IF both sides can be reasonable.

Had we gone the lawyer route, we still might be messing with it while the lawyers drained the bank account.  Divorce does not always need a lawyer.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 13, 2012)

geekette said:


> hopefully it won't be as bad as all that!
> 
> I would caution you on the lawyer thing - if one of you gets one, the other has to.
> 
> ...



I absolutely agree with your comments above. The title to my post was to imply "Get busy and get the legal paperwork done". But a word of caution - seem too eager might cause him to rethink his request. Be very calm and keep a stiff upper lip -- can't grin too wide with a stiff, upper lip.


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## suzanne (Jun 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear you are going thru this. Best of luck to you. I agree with others, it is not easy but you need to kick him to the curb so to speak and get on with YOUR life. You can't control what happens to him if his Mom dies and face it its not your problem its his. Don't get caught up in that what about the kids trap. Your daughter is in college, she knows whats going on with the two of you and hopefully she is not being put in the middle of you and the ex. DO get a lawyer, you need to protect yourself both legally and finacially. You may not think so now but 10 to 15 years from now it could matter big time. 

I wish you all the best it's not an easy situation.

Suzanne


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## DeniseM (Jun 13, 2012)

At this point your only concerns should be doing what is best for *you and your daughter.* 

Since you have been this person's care taker for a long time, that behavior is deeply ingrained and it will take a while to get rid of the feeling that it is your responsibility to take care of him.  I highly recommend that you seek counseling, so that you can dump that baggage as quickly as possible and move on with your life.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Hugs!


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## geekette (Jun 13, 2012)

vacationhopeful said:


> I absolutely agree with your comments above. The title to my post was to imply "Get busy and get the legal paperwork done". But a word of caution - seem too eager might cause him to rethink his request. Be very calm and keep a stiff upper lip -- can't grin too wide with a stiff, upper lip.



Indeed, "get busy" is job one.  Calm, no grinning; Check!


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## geekette (Jun 13, 2012)

I think lawyer vs no lawyer depends chiefly on:

Can there be rational/unemotional discussion about reasonable split of assets/debts/responsibilities?  If that is not possible, a lawyer is necessary.

If you do not fully understand the nature of your assets and debts, or think there could be some hidden, you may need a lawyer.

Divorce laws vary state to state, but there weren't any "legal protections" that I lost in going DIY.  I'd be interested in what those might be??  

A property settlement can also be revisited.  I'm not sure a lawyer would have agreed to my stipulation that I be the sole primary beneficiary on the hunk of 401k money I agreed to transfer to his IRA.  What financial protections did I lose?  If my frugal x doesn't exhaust those funds before his death, it comes back to me.  By court order, the plan admin transferred assets from my account to his and must ensure that I remain sole primary beneficiary on that account.  

Lawyers may have insisted on selling the house as there is no way I could have bought him out.  But I have the house and am paying out his share of equity over time (which I really think a lawyer would hate).  Until the house is fully in my name (in progress), my work life insurance policy names x as beneficiary in order that he be able to pay off the house if something happens to me.  After closing, I can name anyone I want.

Financially, we agreed on the exact % split to apply to assets/debts and who gets what, when, so it was very easy.  We could each have paid a lawyer thousands to get the exact same outcome, or may have been steered in directions not appropriate to our situation but commonplace in other cases they've dealt with.  We got a custom split by working out the details ourselves.

IMO, a lawyer is needed when you cannot speak to each other without fighting or crying or whatever, or cannot agree.  Once a lawyer is in it, you can no longer speak between just the 2 of you.

So weigh the lawyer vs no lawyer situation carefully.  They aren't cheap and can change the course of the divorce.  

Meanwhile, find out if your state even has DIY.

Good luck.


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## Rose Pink (Jun 13, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> I am in shock....



Hugs.  Give yourself a day or two to get past the shock before you make decisions.  I think you've been given good advice so far.  My only caution would be to not act too hastily.  Give yourself a little time to get your emotions under control so that you don't make rash decisions.  You'll do fine. You'll get through this.


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## pjrose (Jun 13, 2012)

I can't say anything other than {HUGS}, lots and lots of {HUGS}.

pj


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## dwojo (Jun 13, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> I am in shock.  DH just told me he wants a divorce.  We agreed to a 6 month trial separation, which we would have been doing anyway, as he has been staying with his mother in another state.
> 
> To be honest it kind of ticks me off.  DH has severe mental illness and I remember years before he got diagnosed when I thought about divorce every day. But I stuck with  him.  In sickness and in health, right?  Now he is on disability (won't get payments until September) so there is no reason for him  to not go live with his mother.  She is his best friend.
> 
> ...



Get a lawyer and check bank accounts credit cards and investments.


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## hypnotiq (Jun 13, 2012)

geekette said:


> I think lawyer vs no lawyer depends chiefly on:
> 
> Can there be rational/unemotional discussion about reasonable split of assets/debts/responsibilities?  If that is not possible, a lawyer is necessary.



This.

Ive been through a divorce recently (18mo ago) and despite the issues I ran into with my ex, we were able to work through it without involving lawyers (this included agreements around child support and custody of our 1yr daughter).

If you can be reasonable and discuss things like adults, not including lawyers is always best. 

Because at the end of the day, when lawyers are involved, the only person that wins is the lawyers bank account.

Ive seen this first hand with a good friend who is having a very contested divorce. Between the two of them, theyve paid over $50k to lawyers fighting this for 2+ years.  That's $50k that neither of them will ever see nor will their 3 children.

But like its been said, if you two cant find a way to talk to each other in a mature manner, a lawyer may be unavoidable.


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## Passepartout (Jun 13, 2012)

Puppymommo, We don't know your soon-to-be-ex, so the natural thing for us to do is take sides. He obviously had (has?) some problems and you seem so 'together'. You stuck with him at a rough time and got stomped on for your trouble. 

You will have some difficult times ahead as you navigate this. You are strong and will be OK, but right now the important thing is to watch out for yourself, kids, your assets. After the 6-month trial, you will be able to make more considered decisions. 

I recommend that you find out from counsel what your rights and responsibilities are. And his.

Know that your TUG family is here and will provide a sympathetic ear. I'd surmise that among TUggers, more have been through divorce than those who have not. It seems so _normal_ today. Such is life.

It seems that you have honored your vows and can move forward with your head high. 

{{TUG HUG}}

Jim


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## puppymommo (Jun 13, 2012)

Thanks for the support, folks.  I was at work and just had to tell someone!

We agreed that he would go back to his mother's next week and then come back here for Thanksgiving when DD is home from college.

I don't think he is in a rush to get a divorce but he'd really rather be with his mom. He said could have the house (which is underwater, great) and use his two monthly checks (military retirement and disability) to pay bills and just send him a monthly allowance, like $300.  

I think it will be amicable and we'd probably do the DIY route.

Again, thanks for your support.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 13, 2012)

You truly need to understand LIFE does not stay still. November is a long ways away. His mom and him could be mortal enemies by then or she could be in a nursing home; he could be off his meds. etc. etc.

Move this along UNLESS you want to be his "friend" for the rest of your life and legally responsible for him and his bills. And perhaps your daughter's life, too. How old would your daughter be when he is 80 or 85? I know of so many people who literally were worn out by the ill, weak, sickly, unable, lazy, handicapped, demented close relatives. 

You can choose a healthy and productive life. You can choose WHAT and HOW much time, engery and money you want to give him. If you are married to him and his name in one that house, YOU can NOT lock him out. If he is declared incompetent, YOU have to make sure he is safe, feed, and provided for. What is the role of a parent - your daughter's education or a roof over your husband head while he refuses to take his meds?

He is riding a high now; his mother is his best friend and emotional support. Get this resolved for the person YOU need to protect - your daughter and her future. And in the process, SAVE yourself for your future grandchildren. It is OKAY to have some happiness in your life, too.

DeniseM recommendation to get some professional help is wise.


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## am1 (Jun 13, 2012)

I will try to offer advice from a different side. I have just been married less than two weeks so very little experience.

That is great that you stuck by your husband when he was having issues before.  But maybe now this is the time when you really need to honour your vows and try to work things out.  This may be the time when he needs your support the most.  Yes now would be a very easy way out.  If thats what you want take it.  

If you feel there is nothing left to save or your husband really wants out then waiting till thanksgiving is a long time.  Wait that time if you think it will help but not because you want to delay the divorce.  

Maybe professional help will for the both of you or just yourself.


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## GetawaysRus (Jun 13, 2012)

I too am sorry for your situation.  I've been through divorce.  I put my ex through graduate psychology training because her life's ambition was to become a marriage and family therapist.  People sometimes do change (and it is no fault of their partner), and my ex's psych training definitely changed her.  Along the way, she had an affair with a client (Oops!  That's a big no-no in the psych world, but some of them do it) and ended up deciding that she wanted a divorce.  Going through divorce is a stressful and crazy-making time, especially if the other party is difficult.

It is intimidating to start over.  But it is possible to remake your life.  I'm now about 15  years past that initial shock that you're just going through.  I'm doing a lot better the second time around.  Now I'm remarried to a wonderful girl - someone with strong values whom I can trust and who knows what love and faithfulness are, and someone who I think will stick with me through thick and thin for the rest of our lives.  

Hopefully this will encourage you.  Things look very dark during divorce, but they can improve.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 13, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> ... He said could have the house (which is underwater, great) and use his two monthly checks (military retirement and disability) to pay bills and just send him a monthly allowance, like $300.  .....



Get that in WRITING and witnessed. I would hate it if some smart person made you payback all that money in 2 or 3 years. A disablilty check is for HIS expenses - not his wife's and a house he does not live in. As for his daughter's support, you were feeding and clothing her out of the goodness of YOUR heart as she is 18+ and there is NO SUPPORT order for him to assist her.

November is a long time from now. Get things in writing.


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## JudyH (Jun 13, 2012)

I agree with what others  have said.  Also, how much can you trust his judgement and what he says today.  I agree about getting everything in writing but with his mental issues, can he state at some point in time he wasn't thinking clearly when he said you could have the house, money, etc.  Also, how much will Mama influence him to be less kind and generous to you.  Maybe not a lawyer, but how about mediation instead.  A trained third person to keep things sorted out.  And if you don't go the lawyer route, going and paying for an hour or two consultation with a lawyer may set you on the safe path.


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## SOS8260456 (Jun 13, 2012)

I am sorry that you are going through this, but as some else said, not sure whether sympathy or congratulations are in order.

You have received a lot of advice from those that have been there and done that.

Above all, protect yourself.  Not sure what you meant about house being underwater?  If so, maybe he should take that "asset".

I think the first thing I would do after protecting myself, is find the single ladies group and go on one of their trips with them.

Tug Hugs are being sent your way!


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## suesam (Jun 13, 2012)

I have a friend who has been suffering with a spouse with a serious mental illness for 35 years. Big mistake, with big regrets. She suffers as well as her children. Mentally and financially.  Please, please, protect yourself and your resources. Although a person with a mental illness is a victim.....there is no reason for there to be two victims in this scenario. Be his friend without any legal obligations or financial ties. This divorce request is giving you a "get out of jail free" card. TAKE IT. 

Sue


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## Talent312 (Jun 13, 2012)

First:
Set down your "understanding" in a written separation agreement.
There are samples on the net, but it doesn't require all that verbage.

Second:
Don't delay the inevitable.  Just get it done and move on.
We divided everything 50-50 and had no assets left by the final hearing.

Third:
Find a support group or counsellor. Be patient with yourself.
When it happened to me ~ 12 years ago, I went to a church-affiliated
group for DSW's (divorced, separated & widowed) for about a year.


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## bogey21 (Jun 13, 2012)

Get a lawyer; get it done as fast as you can; and never look back or take him back.  I have been divorced twice.  One of the reasons I get along well with both of my ex-wives is that the the divorce "arrangements" are in black and white and when there are "issues" my exs blame it on their lawyers, not me.

George


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## caterina25 (Jun 13, 2012)

What would the future have been with him?Your relationship was already strained with the years of bad times.Although you forgave him, I believe there is always some resentment deep inside.Sometimes after a hard road we stop trying as hard as we could and become fearful of the same things happening to us again and we disconnect.Sometimes we put up barriers ,even though we don't realize it.Remember the beginning and how wonderful life can be.Go forward and maybe you will meet someone and have a chance at a mutual love and a happy life.Don't let regret be the focus of your life.Good luck and GOD BLESS YOU.


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## puppymommo (Jun 13, 2012)

*Yikes*

I was under the mistaken impression that I would continue to receive Tricare (miliary) health insurance after we divorced.  Just found out that is wrong, I will lose coverage the day the divorce is final.  DD will be covered until age 26.

Figuring the cost of health insurance into the equation makes it alot more complex.  

But I'll take it one day at a time. 


Thanks again for the posts.  I read each one and consider what each one is saying, and it helps.

Susan


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## CarolF (Jun 14, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear your news, divorce represents the ending of a dream.  It is sad in many ways.

I am however of the opinion that you have been blessed with a wonderful opportunity for the future.  You have done a good job assisting your DH deal with his illness and it is time for you to move on and relinquish your role.

Legal advice is important, particularly as you will be negotiating with a mentally ill person, that makes the process more complex.  

I don't know US law but if his mother has any assets of value, you may be eligible to a portion of his future inheritance (and he could be eligible to yours). 

I wish you well and suggest you gather as many supportive friends around you as you are able.


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## Icc5 (Jun 14, 2012)

*You have a life too*



Rose Pink said:


> Hugs.  Give yourself a day or two to get past the shock before you make decisions.  I think you've been given good advice so far.  My only caution would be to not act too hastily.  Give yourself a little time to get your emotions under control so that you don't make rash decisions.  You'll do fine. You'll get through this.



Protect yourself and get a good Divorce Lawyer.  Yes, as some have said get counseling and remember it is not your fault but things change.  You need to plan and move ahead with your life.  Don't settle for anything he might tell you.  
I recenly had a daughter get a divorce and her ex lied to her about everything and because he had more money put away he (actually his new girlfriend) tried taking all they could.  In my daughter's case her ex didn't even care for their 4 year old because that would cost him money.  
I only brought this up because people change and you can't trust who they might become.
Good luck,
Bart


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 14, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> ...Figuring the cost of health insurance into the equation makes it alot more complex.
> ...



Huh? Yes, health insurance costs money. But is that a MAJOR reason or a convinence in the overall scheme of your situation. 

Ask your employer to provide some assistance. My GF Janet had to get a job which had health insurance after helping her husband run their carpet store for 25 years. She is now the fulltime janitor at our church as the district has a very good plan - and at 56yo, going what she has to.

Review your options - overcome this minor roadblock - change does mean just that - YOU have to adapt.


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## lvhmbh (Jun 14, 2012)

I agree with the "get it in writing".  He SAYS that is what he will do but when other people enter the equation and he gets "their advice" he may renege.


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## puppymommo (Jun 14, 2012)

vacationhopeful said:


> Huh? Yes, health insurance costs money. But is that a MAJOR reason or a convinence in the overall scheme of your situation.



All I meant by that is that it will change our negotiating about finances because I will need a lot more to live on, not that it would prevent me from getting the divorce.


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## Renny30 (Jun 14, 2012)

Sorry to hear this happened to both of you. 

I've been divorced three years and I'm soooo much happier. :whoopie:  I was dealing with a man who needed counseling for a narcissistic personality disorder who was in love with his mother. I decided they could have each other. But now get this, he hasn't spoken to her in almost three years. He blames her for his divorce. It's never a narcissist's fault. LOL. Anyway, I'm free. We have a six year old. He's very involved with him and I have to say we are friends. I mean I could ask him to do anything and he'd do it if he could. No bad feelings. Just 13 yrs of incompatibility and his MOTHER's interference. 

Our divorce was completely uncontested, but I still hired a lawyer. I had legal insurance from my job, so my out of pocket was about $500. That was worth it to me to know I wouldn't have any issues in the future with the house or royalities on earnings from the business I started during the marriage. If I get rich he can't come back and stake a claim. Well, he could, but he won't get anywhere.

All the best to both of you. Divorce is not easy, but when necessary it's just a transition to better days.


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## puppymommo (Jun 14, 2012)

*Divorce, Timeshares and Bankruptcy*

Added to the mix is that DH and I are currently going through bankruptcy, brought on in part by his complusive spending. I would take away his credit cards and he would go out and open new accounts.  He would hide the things he bought until it was too late to return them.

So, in the bankruptcy we are offered the choice to keep the timeshares or relinquish them.  One is a (very small) mini-system (Silverleaf) with 4 resorts in the midwest (where we live), 4 in Texas, 1 in Georgia and 1 in Orlando.  We have a really good deal with them, prime summer week in a presidential (the nicest units) and an awesome bonus plan that allows us to stay up to 12 nights per month at any resort upon availability.  It is this bonus time I would really miss, one of the resorts is only 45 minutes from home and we usually go there for a few days every other month.  We are still paying on it (developer purchase, I know ).  This bonus time is a special deal that is no longer being offered with new sales and doesn't transfer with resale.

If we keep it we have to show that we can afford it, so if we can't, we will definitely have to relinquish it.  I really hate to do that, we enjoy it and use it so much.  I could see continuing to use it frequently as long as I continue to live in the midwest.  But all of my family lives on the west coast, so if I move back there, my Silverleaf (a two bedroom lockoff) will be useless to me except for RCI exchanges.  I do want to move back to the West Coast (or Hawaii if I can get a job there) at some point, but while DD is in college I want to stay put. 

The other timeshare I have is Wyndham points, which I can afford (resale purchase, so mfs only). I could continue to use them even if/when I relocate.

So please bear with me while I sort this out.

Bankruptcy is an exit strategy for a timeshare (Silverleaf) that may be hard to unload.  On the other hand, I can see using it frequently for at least the next 4 years.  But I'm thinking I should let it go now while I have the chance, rather than having an unknown chance of unloading it when I relocate.  DD might be interested in it down the line, but she is only 17 and only if she stays in the midwest.

So what do you think?  Am I right to get rid of my beloved Silverleaf while I have the chance?

Thanks for all your help.  Please don't flame me for the bankruptcy, I feel bad enough about it.

Susan


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## Passepartout (Jun 14, 2012)

Susan, I really would encourage you to get some professional guidance. So much of what you outline, The timeshares, the need for health insurance, the bankruptcy, the need for income (separate maintenance), the upside-down home mortgage, retirement funds (yours and his that have to be reconciled) are really dollars and cents decisions. 

I think you are piling too much emotional baggage on the decision. After divorce and bankruptcy, your life is going to be different. You can't just say, 'Well, this it the way I (we) have always enjoyed it' like the use of your drive-to timeshare. Are you going to want to go there by yourself?

I hope you can find an accountant and/or a BK/Family law attorney who can put this in black and white so you can make informed decisions that will allow you to make a clean break and a fresh start.

Here in TUG, we always tell newbies to not be pressed into making a snap, uninformed decision regarding a certain big purchase. I'd advise you to get and take the advice of trusted professionals before you try the DIY approach that can drag things out and cost you more in the long run.

It appears your (lets call him) 'ex' has made his decision. There is no reason to expect him to change, to make the separation- economically and emotionally, any easier. Things he can do to your collective credit rating and retirement funds can have very long lasting results that could take you decades to undo and effect your working and retirement life. 

All the Best!

Jim


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## puppymommo (Jun 14, 2012)

We do have a bankruptcy attorney and in fact are meeting with him today. We also have a disability lawyer. There is no way we could hand either of those decisions and processes on our own.

He has not told his psychiatrist that he is planning to move and has not looked for a psychiatrist near his mom.  It bugs me that this man has been deemed to be so ill that he cannot work (which I agree with), but he is competant to make decisions like bankruptcy and divorce.


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## geekette (Jun 14, 2012)

Late edit - finished this before seeing bankruptcy.  not sure how much is relevant now?  advice to remove $ from his control stands...  so making no edits ...

What is your job status?  I wasn't sure if this meant you must return to the workforce after a long absence, or continue on as you have been?  If you are currently working, I encourage you to change your withholding immediately in case you are divorced this calendar year.   Just be aware that withholding single status vs married is different.  You do not have to be officially divorced to elect single status and you can start adjusting to your new take home pay and assess shortfall while attempting to head off a larger than necessary tax bill.   Filing status goes with whatever your marital status is on Dec 31.  You may have reasons to meet or miss that deadline for 2012 filing.

Don't forget that if you were married at least 10 years, you will be able to collect on his SS record/pension record.  He has nothing to do with it, does not impact what he receives.  just keep that in your back pocket as I don't know how close you are to retirement age, but it may matter for your golden years planning, especially if he made more than you.  

Underwater house is still housing, every payment is equity in your favor.  Better than being forced to sell!  avoid the hassle and expense of moving while waiting for housing market to return.  I have not yet decided stay vs go, and don't have to until I am comfortable making that decision.  I was allowed to assume our mortgage at same rate way cheaper than I could refi elsewhere, so call the lender to see if that is possible.  Ditching large closing costs is important, discounted loan origination, waiving of "junk fees" helped also.  

The "allowance" part is a little troubling.  that would be monthly, right?  My boyfriend is not keen on my making payments to my x, it bothers him because there remains A Link.  I am only obligated to 30 payments and may attempt to pay off earlier, except there is no interest charged, so why hurry?  Boyfriend wants me to accelerate it regardless, but it's not his call.  I mention it only because the monthly payment thing could be an issue for whomever you get involved with down the road.  To me, it's none of his business, but he was already my best friend so I told him more than I would tell someone else in the interest of having a personal advisor that had been down that road (his x lawyered, so he had to, and they quickly ran up $5k in bills tho I do not know the final tally for what was a very simple split).  

I'm not sure that the payments your x receives can be paid to you, in which case it would be on him to pay you, not your receiving it all then paying him some.  Obviously, if you can be in control of it, that's great, but I don't think that's possible.  

We trusted each other enuf to do some things outside of the agreement because if push came to shove, someone got nasty, or illness took over, enforcement could have bankrupted either one of us.  I would suggest a new bank account to receive those payments and automatically distribute your part to your account, his part to his normal account.  This can be under court order so that he cannot close that account nor stop the payments to you.  Except by going back to court to revisit the agreement.  This is the single biggest piece of "security" I see in your situation.  Maybe you can trust him, but you cannot trust his illness.  Were I you, I would assume that in the future he will not be competent so remove as much control from him as possible.  Surely that can be brought up more diplomatically than I just did?  Or, put it out there as "set it and forget it" so neither of you have to do anythign about it monthly.  Easy!

I have payments set up in my ING account to send money the 15th of every month to his ING account, I don't have to think about it. The payments are in the agreement, how they are paid is not because we are working with each other nicely.  I suggest you specify how they are paid in order to bind a third party (bank), especially if this will be something to continue to death.  

We don't have alimony in this state but we do have Maintenance, which is taxable income to the recipient, tax deduction for the payer.  I encouraged my x to take it as income so he could contribute to a Roth, which he otherwise cannot.  He said no, he wouldn't accept taxable income, so we did not call it maintenance in the agreement (he was foolish on that, but it was his choice and I laid out pros and cons of both ways as it wasn't goign to matter to me much, but I felt strongly that he needed a Roth).  You'll want to consider what the "allowance" is and how that impacts you both tax-wise.

Also, transferring assets among retirement accounts is not a taxable transaction.  So far as I've been able to tell, IRS has no interest in it, I only had to provide court order to the administrator to carry it out.  I thought I would receive a 1099 akin to rollover acknowledgement, but I don't recall receiving anything of the kind.  Ages don't matter, it's simply an asset shift.  I transferred an existing IRA of his to the same administrator holding mine so it was very easy.  I did specify account numbers in the property settlement mostly to make it very easy for ING.  Have I mentioned how much I love ING?

I set up several things to make money moves very easy for myself.  Once I am done with my 30 payments to him, it doesn't matter if he keeps that checking account, but he is not allowed to roll over the IRA I sent money to, it must stay with that administrator.  So many little things can be in a property settlement and that IRA account of his has 25% of my 401k money in it, so I made sure it cannot disappear except by his taking distributions from it.  I do not count on seeing it ever again, and certainly do not wish him dead to get it back, but should he meet an untimely demise, it is fitting that the money return to me.  If he drains it to spend a month in Tahiti, that is his right as the money is now his.

From others I have spoken with, just about anything you put in the agreement will be ok'd so long as both parties agree to it. We filed, then waited a few months to see if the agreement would work for both of us.  We tweaked it, then finalized (we had a mandatory 60 day waiting period from initial filing to finalization, your laws may vary).   We made changes to the property settlement after the initial filing, but initials in the presence of a notary confirmed agreement.  

I'm sorry, I know you must be overwhelmed right now.  Hope the shock wears off soon, and the recommendation of wine and chocolate is a good one.  give yourself some time to go a little bonzo, and when you exhaust that, then you can think clearly on what you need, what you want.  Don't negotiate while emotional, only do it when you feel comfortable Talking Business.  Seems cold, but disposition at the end of a marriage is Business.

While I originally thought drafting a divorce agreement was going to be daunting, I was wrong.  It was actually quite simple and not something to be intimidated by.  The clerk of courts said I had done everythign really well, made it very easy for them.  It was signed by the judge the day after I returned it.  

Hopefully, you can play nicely with each other.  It's awkward but worth it.


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## PStreet1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I, too, have been through a divorce that came as a shock and wound up having to testify two days in court as a part of it.  (It hasn't turned out to be a friendly relationship since then.)

I suspect your situation is more complicated legally than you realize.  If I were you, I'd take note of everything people have mentioned, go to the library and get a book or two on divorce and what to beware of and read fast.  Back when I had to do it, there really wasn't much information "out there" for going through the process, but there is now and you can learn a lot.  Once you have your information and lists of questions, you'll be able to proceed more smoothly with a lawyer or without a lawyer.  Bear in mind that there are often legal technicalities that you would never consider in drawing up an agreement yourselves.


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## bogey21 (Jun 14, 2012)

Divorce is a hassle but it often can work out for the best.  My first wife (10 years) was a flake.  After our divorce she settled down; got remaried; ended up with a doctorate degree; and is now a practicing Psycharist.  My second wife (20) years is also remaried and has been a airline flight attendant for almost 10 years.  I am footloose and fancy free in retirement with 3 grown kids who have their heads on straight and 3 grand kids.  Sure, looking back I would do some things differently, but all in all everything worked out pretty good.  I say this despite giving away two houses, two cars and a decent part of my retirement, all of which I think my exes deserved!!

George


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## pacodemountainside (Jun 14, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> I was under the mistaken impression that I would continue to receive Tricare (miliary) health insurance after we divorced.  Just found out that is wrong, I will lose coverage the day the divorce is final.  DD will be covered until age 26.
> 
> Figuring the cost of health insurance into the equation makes it alot more complex.
> 
> ...



I am going by Colorado law but would have attorney double check that Tricare insurance. GFs ex who was retired NG fought bitterly over Colorado law that provides ex gets  1/2 of pensions if marriage was longer than 20 years. I would assume Military  dictates what happens with  Tricare, but she definately got.  Her benefits would  cost about  $10K pre-tax. Medicare benefits  provide about 70% of  coverage  and cost about $125  a month  premium with  prescription drug benefits.

She  was a paralegal working for   experienced divorice attorney so she did  shake him every way including loose.

I know my BC/BS did stop  at 12:01AM next day as do most  major insurance  plans, but Tricare is different!

You might want to consider "Martial Agreement" which is pretty much same  as divorice, every thing gets divided up,  you go separate ways and cannot get remarried, but health insurance continues.


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## am1 (Jun 14, 2012)

pacodemountainside said:


> You might want to consider "Martial Agreement" which is pretty much same  as divorice, every thing gets divided up,  you go separate ways and cannot get remarried, but health insurance continues.



This seems like bad advice and should be considered fraud.


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## pacodemountainside (Jun 14, 2012)

am1 said:


> This seems like bad advice and should be considered fraud.



Suggest you trot down to law library and look up  definition of fraud, applicable statutes and case law!

Colorado Revised States(CRS) specifically  provide for this and  Courts  regularily approve. 

Fraud would be if one  divoriced,  failed to notify insurance company and COBRA or claimed pet as dependent  on Tax Return!


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## Talent312 (Jun 14, 2012)

DO NOT do what my ex did, which was simply walk with 50% of the assets.
She felt too guilty about it to go after alimony, my pension or my FF miles.

It was great for me, but she shorted herself... _I almost felt bad about it._

It was only a major inheritance a few years later that allowed her
to maintain the lifestyle to which she had become accustomed.


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## Mel (Jun 14, 2012)

am1 said:


> This seems like bad advice and should be considered fraud.


Not bad advice at all.  The federal government and most states recognize such agreements as a "legal separation," if done through a court proceeding.  It is equivalent to divorce in many ways, but is not an actual divorce. However, it might not solve the health insurance issue, as some health plans deny coverage to separated spouses, though COBRA would be available just as it would in case of divorce.


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## glypnirsgirl (Jun 14, 2012)

With the military retirement benefits at stake, it would be worth it to me to hire an attorney that has handled several divorces. It can be set up through the military that you receive your share of his pension directly. You also need the documentation to specify that he must elect spousal survivor benefits. That way you continue to receive your share of the pension after he has died. Both of those documents are difficult to get exactly correct and i would not try to do it myself --- and I am a lawyer. 

In order to go forward with a divorce, you will need permission from the bankruptcy court. The divorce will require a division of assets and your assets may actually belong to your bankruptcy estate at this time. Your bk lawyer will advise you on that. 

My divorce was about the most difficult period in my life. It took me 2 years to get back to half of my normal self. And another 10 to get to 90%. I am not suggesting that it should take that long, but when you are as committed to marriage as you have been, it is a very difficult transition. I really thought that my vows meant for better for worse, etc. Ex did not have the same basis of belief: although not manic depressive or bi-polar, he was a borderline personality disorder and had chronic depression that I spent our entire marriage trying to "fix."

The good news is that I am now at about 150% of my former self. At 18 years post-divorce, I am happier than I have ever been. 

It really does get better. 

Take deep breaths, take your vitamins, keep hydrated, get some exercise and get plenty of sleep. The better your health, the easier everything else will be.

elaine


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## puppymommo (Jun 14, 2012)

Thanks, everybody, for all the support and advice.  DH and I had a nice, calm chat this evening.  I pointed out that since he had just been medically certified as too unstable to work, did he really think he was stable enough to make life-changing decisions.

We agreed he would go back to his mother's until November, when we have a trip to Branson planned and have Thanksgiving together with our daughter.  Then we can revisit the issue.  This gives me time to do some research and think about what *I* really want.  Also the bankruptcy will be finished.

There is much to learn and mull over!

Again, thanks for all the support!


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## pianodinosaur (Jun 14, 2012)

I pray that we will never have a divorce.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to fall out of love with my wife, to whom I am so deeply committed.  She has excellent judgment.  She wisely counsels me against decisions and actions that would be self destructive.  Nobody knows me better or cares more about my well being than my wife.

I do not know if there really is such a thing as an amicable divorce.  However, a divorce is certainly better than remaining married in an abusive relationship.  Divorce is certainly better than remaining married to an alcoholic, drug abuser, or someone who is still attached to the umbilical cord.  

Best wishes and warm regards to all my TUG friends who are so deeply hurt.  I hope you emerge happier and stronger.


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## Tia (Jun 14, 2012)

Sometimes an old shoe feels more comfy then the new ones.........


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 14, 2012)

Tia said:


> Sometimes an old shoe feels more comfy then the new ones.........



Old shoes create corns on your feet which can hurt years after you discard those bad boys.


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## Passepartout (Jun 14, 2012)

Tia said:


> Sometimes an old shoe feels more comfy then the new ones.........



Is that sort of like "Sometimes the Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't."

Jim


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## MuranoJo (Jun 15, 2012)

My sis is also going through a similar major life change:  She finally got a lawyer (had to borrow for the retainer) after her hubby & her could not come to an 'amicable' agreement.  

Her guy (also) has grown mentally unstable, but there's a whole lot of mess behind the scenes I won't go into.  Last straw was when he demanded alimony (plus half her pension, their home, etc., etc.).  And he rarely worked, she was the main breadwinner, did all the housework and shopping and yardwork, because he had 'allergies.'

She regrets putting off the decision for so long.  Her lawyer reminded her as long as they are still legally married, she will be legally liable for anything he does.

I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time.


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## Talent312 (Jun 15, 2012)

muranojo said:


> Her lawyer reminded her as long as they are still legally married, she will be legally liable for anything he does.



This generalization is not true in every state.
My state, Florida, is a separate-property state, and what one spouse does not bind the other. Property or debts acquired by each remain separate. In a divorce, there can be  an "equitable distribution." But otherwise, one is not responsiblle for the other's actions. In fact, its not unusual for one spouse to incur all the debts, individually (and for that one to file Bankruptcy), while the other keeps their nose clean.

Hence, the typical requirement that both spouses attend TS presentations.
 They want "the whole family" on the hook, not just one or the other.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 15, 2012)

I would wonder WHY the spouse is/has MOVED to his mother's? Different state with different divorice benefits to him? 

Also, "taking" money from his account verses him writing her a check monthly - I would be thinking a bit different on this. 

I don't think he is "just hanging out with good old Mom" - I think he is positioning himself for his benefit.

Get a lawyer - pick your battlefield - a good defense is a STRONG offense. I would NOT be reading websites til November and planning a family friendly Thanksgiving. He has MOVED ON and you need to get your head out of the sand.


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## Zac495 (Jun 15, 2012)

I am sorry for what you're going through  but you sound like you'll be better off without him . after reading the whole thread (lots of great advice) and then seeing you're rethinking - just be careful. I agree about the comfy shoes - and the divorce sounds hard and money issues etc. 

My mother says: For every 50 year old woman, there's a 50 year old man. For every 80 year old woman, there's an 80 year old man  - and all in between. Don't feel like he is the last guy - there will be more - and besides, no guy is better than the wrong one.

Be very careful. I would get legal advice now - you don't have to hire the lawyer or let your husband know - you don't need to file now. but I would pay a small retainer to get some information.

Best of luck.
ellen


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## puppymommo (Jun 15, 2012)

vacationhopeful said:


> I would wonder WHY the spouse is/has MOVED to his mother's? Different state with different divorice benefits to him?
> I don't think he is "just hanging out with good old Mom" - I think he is positioning himself for his benefit.



You may think I've got my head in the sand and maybe I have, but he has no other reason to move to MI except to be with his mother. When he is here, he talks to her on the phone about 5 times a day.  Now that he is no longer working he doesn't know what to do with himself while I am at work. At his mom's they are always doing something together.  He feels peaceful and calm there.  So probably it's the best place for him right now.

Another angle is that she is supposedly very ill and needs him to take care of her. I have no real knowledge of her medical condition and this not the first time (dating back to 2006 when he spent nearly a year "taking care of her" coming home only for Thanksgiving and Christmas).  This plus all his deployments when he was in the military means we are used to being apart from each other.

At this point I feel my eyes are opened and I realize that it is not only me who has thought of divorce.  I need to inform myself and make my own plans.


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## chalee94 (Jun 15, 2012)

Zac495 said:


> My mother says: For every 50 year old woman, there's a 50 year old man. For every 80 year old woman, there's an 80 year old man...



this is not really true, as there are more slightly more women than men at every age bracket over 35.

at 80 years old, it's more like 1.5 women for every 1 man, as we menfolk tend to expire earlier...



> no guy is better than the wrong one.



now this is definitely true.  (for both genders.)


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## MuranoJo (Jun 16, 2012)

muranojo said:


> ....She regrets putting off the decision for so long.  Her lawyer reminded her as long as they are still legally married, she will be legally liable for anything he does.





Talent312 said:


> This generalization is not true in every state.
> My state, Florida, is a separate-property state, meaning that what one spouse does cannot bind the other. Any property or debts acquired by each remain separate. In a divorce, there can be  an "equitable distribution." However, its not unusual for one spouse to incur all the debts, individually (and for that one to file Bankruptcy), while the other keeps their nose clean.
> 
> Hence, the typical requirement that both spouses attend TS presentations.
> They want "the family" on the hook, not just one or the other.



Didn't mean to generalize, but it is true for our state which is community property.  Lucky for those going through this who live in Florida or other separate-property states I guess.


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## dwojo (Jun 16, 2012)

I wrote this already but consult a lawyer and see what steps you need to take to protect yourself legally.


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## vacationhopeful (Jun 16, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> You may think I've got my head in the sand and maybe I have, ....
> At this point I feel my eyes are opened and I realize that it is not only me who has thought of divorce.  I need to inform myself and make my own plans.



Per another thread, you are 56yo and looking at getting LTC insurance. Yet, in this thread, you are concerned about the cost of getting your own medical insurance IF you get divorice. And you have a child in college. At your age, you might only have less than 10 years of PRIME employment. Your PRIME years of saving for retirement are gone and compounding interest and growth are also very limited.

 Organize everything. Set a to-do list. At this point, IF you got a divorice, can you even afford 75% of your current standard of living? The questions you need to look at include:
What will my financial situation be in 5 years? And in 10 years? And in 15 years? 
Do I have enough years of employment to get Social Security (you are a preacher, and, I believe, many preachers DO NOT contribute to social security)? 
Can you "hold out" for a delayed SS retirement at age 67+ or will you have to take the REDUCED benefit at age 62 to buy food?

Yes, managing LIFE is work!


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## pacodemountainside (Jun 16, 2012)

This is  more applicable to starry eyed newly weds, but some sage advice. You also might want to e-mail author and ask for  referrals  that are germane to your situation.



Discussing divorce in June might seem tacky. But just as couples plan carefully to avoid disasters on their wedding day, they also should set up their financial lives to protect themselves in case the union goes awry.

.
Sure, divorce rates have fallen in recent decades. But about 10% of marriages still fail during the first five years, and about a quarter don't make it to their 10th anniversary, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. 

So should the recently engaged rush to sign a prenuptial agreement? Not necessarily. Such arrangements might make sense for second marriages and for those with complex assets, such as their own businesses. But for many people, prenups "add drama and misery to a time in their lives when they should be happy," says Brian Blitz, a partner at family-law firm Berger Schatz in Chicago.

There are many simpler steps you can take to protect yourself financially in the event of a divorce—and they also happen to be smart practices for those who stay married for a long time.

Establishing Credit

Financial discussions should start before marriage, covering everything from attitudes about money and debt to where you want to live to how you feel about one person staying home with the kids. You should look at each other's credit record together, so you will know what kind of student loans and other debt each of you has and if one partner will bring a troubled payment history to the marriage.

Both of you also should have credit in your own name rather than just being an authorized user on the other's account. While joint cards can be helpful for family finances, it almost is impossible to be removed from such an account, meaning you likely will have to close it if you split up. 

Later, getting your own card or a decent credit line could be harder if your income has been affected by a divorce (or a spouse's death). A lack of established credit also could hurt your chances of getting a mortgage or refinancing your house.

Whether you choose to maintain two checking accounts or one is a matter of preference. Either way, all your marital accounts should have both of your names on them, and both of you should know where all the accounts are, how they are managed and what they are for. 

Divorce experts say that having joint accounts should give both spouses access to cash earned during the marriage in the event of a split so that one spouse doesn't have to go to court to get money for living expenses and a lawyer. They are equally helpful if one spouse falls ill and can't pay the bills.

Dividing Assets

Dividing assets is one of the thorniest issues when couples split. If you want to protect the assets you bring to the marriage, make a copy of the statements, dated before your wedding day, for your savings, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts and other holdings. 

"Put it in a folder called 'In case of emergency'" and stash it in a safe place, says Michelle Smith, a New York financial planner who specializes in divorce issues. 

Generally, such assets must be kept completely separate during the marriage to be claimed as one spouse's property. Even if you are scrupulous about that, state laws vary, so you might still need proof—and getting old statements can be difficult, Ms. Smith says.

Reviewing Accounts

As families grow and spouses divide up the duties, one spouse often takes the lead in managing the money and handling the taxes. But partners should make time to go over accounts and investments regularly—at least once a year—scheduling time if they need to, says Scott Halliwell, a financial planner at USAA.

Financial advisers say a surprising number of spouses, often women, trust their partner to attend meetings with the family financial adviser and read the tax return and ask questions, while they just sign it. Then, during a divorce, they find themselves in the dark and at a distinct disadvantage. 

"You should be an active participant in your financial life," says Justin Reckers, a financial planner at Pacific Divorce Management in San Diego. 

One other detail to keep in mind: Once there are children, both partners need life insurance, even if one stays home. If the stay-at-home parent were to die, the other parent would have to pay for services like child care and housekeeping. And in the event of a divorce, both spouses would be covered at a time when their age or medical issues could mean they would have a harder time qualifying for life insurance.

Write to Karen Blumenthal at karen.blumenthal@dowjones.com

A version of this article appeared June 16, 2012, on page B8 in the U.S. edition of The Wall Street Journal, with the headline: Easing the Sting of Divorce.


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## geekette (Jun 19, 2012)

I want to remind you to allow yourself grief, growth and change.  All is natural, do not fight it.  Another poster reminded you to look after You and I wish to second that.  

It's a difficult time, and will be a prolonged limbo, so settle in to your own groove and take it one day at a time, allowing yourself whatever it is that you need.  I am thankful that I gave myself that "permission" instead of trying to be completely rational and practical.  You cannot run from your emotions forever so go ahead and experience them.  Wish I could promise that you will feel "freer and lighter" but I can only tell you that I felt that way, and if you feel relief, do not allow guilt to linger along with it.

After all, it seems that both you and he believe that you will both be better off, so trust that and your instincts.


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## somerville (Jun 20, 2012)

If a military pension is involved, you really should consult a lawyer who is knowledgeable of federal law governing military pensions and experienced in dividing them in a divorce.


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## Tia (Jun 21, 2012)

puppymommo said:


> At this point I feel my eyes are opened and I realize that it is not only me who has thought of divorce.  I need to inform myself and make my own plans.



Yes and keep an open mind, making sure you take care of yourself and your future.


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## pacodemountainside (Jun 25, 2012)

Stop by library  and get a copy of SMART MONEY  for July, 2012.

Read  article  starting on page 72 on  "10 Things Divorice Attorneys Won't Tell You"!


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## puppymommo (Jun 25, 2012)

*You are not going to believe this*

DH has gone totally 180 on this divorce thing.

Last Friday I pointed out to him that he has justed been certified too unstable to work, so what makes him think he is stable enough to make a life-changing decision.  Then I left for a week at a nearby timeshare.  I had invited him to join me for the weekend, but he declined.  He had reservations to leave for his mother's on Wednesday.  Tuesday he called begging for me to come pick him up so he could join me for the rest of the week.  He had LIED TO his mother telling her we had to meet with the lawyer and he couldn't leave until Saturday.  That got my attention.  He lied to his mother?  Sad that he couldn't just tell her he wanted a few extra days with his wife.

Anyway, I took another night to myself and went and picked him up on Wednesday.  We actually had a very nice time together and by the end of the week he was planning future timeshare trips together.  

Since then we have been doing a lot of talking and spending time together.  Last night he said that he was looking forward to coming back next month and to moving our daughter into college in August.  Earlier he had said he wouldn't be here.  So I asked him, "No more talk about divorce?"  He replied, "No more talk about divorce."  But he remarked that maybe it had been helpful to get it out on the table and made us realize that we both still to want to try to make this marriage work.  

I will remember all your wise advice should this 180 on me again sometime in the future.


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## Talent312 (Jun 25, 2012)

Talk about a roller-coaster!
I hereby withdraw my previous posts on this topic.


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## geekette (Jun 25, 2012)

oh my!  

I am glad you had a nice time together and were able to talk things over.  That is so good, that you can communicate.  

he lied to his mother.  that's an interesting twist.

I still think you need to dig into finances and squirrel away some funds in case he hits a mania and goes spending.  You are financially interdependent and it is up to you to manage the finances as he isn't really able to, due to illness.  It's best for both of you.  I urge you to build emergency cash that he can't get to, and hope that you never have to tap it.

Maybe this was just a wakeup call for you both to think hard on what you each need and want and you just found it again.  Perhaps timeshares can help you spend quality time together and rebond into a happy couple.

I wish the best for you!


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## billymach4 (Jun 25, 2012)

Oy Vey! 

I have been reading this. Please I hope this whole issue gets ironed out for you! You need nerves of steel.


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## markel (Jun 25, 2012)

Maybe this was just a wakeup call for you both to think hard on what you each need and want and you just found it again. Perhaps timeshares can help you spend quality time together and rebond into a happy couple.

I wish the best for you! 

Marriage is tough. Good times and bad. I've been married 19 years. We were married early, me 23 and my wife 19. We have had some good years and some bad years. We had thought about divorce a few years ago but things are better, in fact as good as it has ever been. I don't know all of your specifics (other then reading your posts on this thread) but I'm a true believer of making things work. I've found a true love for my wife and appreciate her more than ever. I feel for you and your husband. Only advice that I'd like to give is to try and work it out if you can. Sometimes things don't work out but maybe its meant to be. If not, I wish you the best. 

Mark


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## fillde (Jun 25, 2012)

Read most of the replies to your story. I kept saying to myself alll these people giving advice about hiring liars or lawyers what ever they are called and giving their own advice. But we only had one side of the story. We haven't heard the other 2 sides. Well i'm glad it worked out. 

If I could give one piece of advice do not tell or let  your better half in on the fact there is a thread out there in cyber space talking about him.


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## bogey21 (Jun 25, 2012)

geekette said:


> I still think you need to dig into finances and squirrel away some funds in case he hits a mania and goes spending.  You are financially interdependent and it is up to you to manage the finances as he isn't really able to, due to illness.  It's best for both of you.  *I urge you to build emergency cash that he can't get to, and hope that you never have to tap it.*



IMO, as one who has been divorced twice, this is good advice.  Plan as though a divorce is inevitable.  If it happens, you are prepared.  If not, count your blessings.

George


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## MuranoJo (Jun 25, 2012)

Sounds like you are happy to work this out with DH.  I sincerely wish you the very best.

Meanwhile, I agree with previous suggestions to be prepared--just in case. (And shouldn't we all be prepared to financially handle living on our own, should we have to face that in the future?)


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## Jestjoan (Jun 27, 2012)

*Life After Divorce  AARP June Bulletin*

I haven't read it but I hope there is something helpful in it. Best wishes.

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-05-2012/life-after-divorce.html

I just read the previous page in this thread. I hope it works out for you both.


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## dwojo (Jun 27, 2012)

I had a hard time after I left the military and put my family through a very bad time. Check with the V.A. and other veterans organizations. They might be able to help.


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## Texasbelle (Jul 3, 2012)

*Silverleaf*

I don't have legal or marriage advice, but just sticking to the timeshare problem here are some thoughts.  Since the points timeshare is just the annual maintenance fee, that would provide cheap vacations.  Silverleaf is impossible to unload in Texas so if I were in your shoes, I would dump it especially if you are moving away.  However, the bonus plan [in our case "endless escapes"] is appealing.  If you go to the information meetings [sales pitches] you can pay your maintenance fees with the cash they give you.  Lately, they have offered $150 per time.  In any case, I wish you the best outcome whatever decisions you make.


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## laurac260 (Jul 3, 2012)

When I read your post a few days ago, my first thought was, oh no, you gotta stick this one out.  Don't bail, even though it seems he wants to.  Don't give up on him now.  But I decided to keep my opinions to myself.

I have absolutely no experience in divorce (yea, me), except of course for my parents 3 divorces, but it's not the same as an adult going thru one.

But I DO have experience, more than I care to have, with living with someone with mental health issues.  The depression my husband went thru was situational, but the reasons are immaterial.  When you are @$$ deep in depression it really doesn't matter the WHY's.  He saw a psych, and the more he saw her, the more pills she prescribed, to the point where I didn't even recognize him, the beloved person I married.  We were so young in our marriage, we dated a year, then were only married a handful of months.  There was a time, for a long time, when I thought perhaps I was actually meeting the "real" Mr. C., that the one I fell in love with was just a facade.  Gosh I was so naive.  I did not see that the medication was altering his personality to the point we almost lost him.  A couple of the meds he was on have since been black boxed due to suicidal tendencies.  But, I digress.

It is sheer hell living with someone who is mentally "unstable".  I'm not sure how else to phrase it.   We would have conversations, and he would turn violent, turning over tables, hitting things (never me, but things).  I was in tears many times.  I probably hated him at some point.  I do remember saying to him, "Let's pretend we actually like each other today."  That's not something you want to say to your new groom.  I didn't think of leaving, but I sure didn't want to stay in that mess for any length of time.  This went on for many months (there is so much more, intense back surgery, loss of function of many things, it's a huge story but we are talking about the mental issues and the toll it takes on a marriage).  One day it all seemed to "work itself out."  Which is when he informed me he went off all the meds the psych doc had prescribed.  The guy I married was back.  Atleast mostly.  There was still the depression, still the injury, it was/is a long long story, full of surgeries, meds (all doc prescribed and followed to the letter ), and pockets of time he does not remember.  Meds cause people to act in crazy ways sometimes.  That is not a very PC way to say it, but it is what it is.  The stuff that was prescribed to DH altered his brain chemistry.  I don't think it has even returned to normal, Still, I stayed, because the man I said I do to is still here. 

What is my point in all this?  Well, if you don't love your husband, you need to leave him.  You both deserve better.  But if you DO love him, then you have been given a huge task. And that task is to somehow separate the person you married from the mental illness.  They are not one in the same.  This is sooo much easier said than done.  I wish I could tell you I did well at it.  I did not.  It's a work in progress, but isn't everything worth it worth working for?

Please excuse my ramblings.  There is probably a more eloquent way to put all this, but this is all from the heart, and the heart is messy sometimes.  I wish you the best.


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## jejones3329 (Sep 19, 2012)

Reading an old discussion but hope all is well. Must say some of it sounds off to me and I think OP would benefit from talking to his mother. Just want to point out that a divorce may divide debt but is considered a civil agreement and does not get you off the hook if the other person chooses or is not able to pay the debt the decree asigns to them. If you name was on original debt as a co-signer you remain responsible. Trust me I learned the hard way.


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## hvacrsteve (Sep 19, 2012)

This might be part of the war on women I keep hearing about but I can't figure it out myself.

You may want to ask him just to be sure!

Seriously, I went through a divorce many years ago!

It was the best thing that ever happened to me!
I meet the woman of my dreams after that!

Search your soul, when one door closes, many more open that sometimes you never knew existed!

I never planned on getting remarried, but she changed my mind in 3 months!  I have never looked back!


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