# Selling Family home - adult kids are not happy



## jmzf1958 (May 1, 2011)

Hi.  I've been in my house 24 years now.  My ex-husband and I built it.  I've been here with my kids the last 12 years.  The house is too big for me.  I've gotten a purchase offer on the house.  My 25 and 21 year old are very upset.  They're really attached to the home.  My 25 year old won't be back, she's out on her own.  My 21 year old is still home, has two more years of college to go. It's been on and off the market for two years.  I had mixed emotions on selling it.  It is a beautiful home with a gorgeous view, but a lot of work.   Has anyone had this situation where your kids were upset that you were selling the home?  How did you handle it with them?  It doesn't help that I go back and forth between selling and not selling.  How do you know if you've made the right decision and won't regret selling it?  Any advice?  Thanks.  Judy


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## Tia (May 1, 2011)

You have to do what is right for _you _is my thought, your kids are grown and will be gone. 

 I do understand being attached to a house/home . We bought our first home as a couple , had both kids there and  lived in it for 10 years. Many good memories there.


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## vacationhopeful (May 1, 2011)

Tell the kids you are doing them a BIG FAVOR. My parents built their house in 1951. When the last of them passed away, the discussion was: do we get the 1st dumpster before the funeral or the next day? After 50+ years living in that house, it was outdated, 3.5 acres of grass, single pane windows, bad roof, $500/month heating bill (now it would be over $800 monthly), dying trees, overgrown bushes, etc.

You need to move on! Tell the 21yo that it is Mom's time - you are not abandoning the 21 yo. But someday in 2 or 3+ years, you would want them to get their own place, get married, and start their lives as adults.  BUT now, you have a chance to move on from that house; to downsize and save money; to live better at your later years; to be less burden. AND you need them to help you and support you, just like they have seen you support their older siblings (and themselves) - when they moved from elementary school to high school to college to the workforce. It is part of their growth in their life too.

Yes, you have been wishy-washy. But you NOW know it is time. You are selling, moving - you would like their support. But, if you kids choose to not help and support, you all (the kids) will be missing a great growth opportunity to be more of a peer to me than being my child.


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## akp (May 1, 2011)

*Not quite the same but I can relate some*

My husband's mother wants to move into a retirement community.  She's been a widow for 15 years and not a very able one - doesn't drive, can't change a lightbulb, etc.  The house is a burden to her.

The only reason she's stayed this long is that her daughter, who lives out of state and will probably never move back, doesn't want her to move.  The daughter (my SIL) is in her 40s.  She comes for extended visits in the summer when the kids are out of school, so one concern is where she'll stay on the visits, but MIL is getting a 2 bedroom so that her daughter and the kids can stay.

The daughter is very emotionally attached to the house and hates the idea that the house will be gone.  It shouldn't be about what she wants though - it is about what my MIL wants, and should be about what YOU want.  

My advice would the to do the opposite of what my MIL has done.  i would gently and firmly tell your kids that this is what you want and what you need to do.  Accept their emotional responses without letting them sway you.  Then tell them again, gently and firmly, that you need to sell the house, and the family will build a whole new set of adult-kid kind of memories in your new place.

Good luck!


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## Rose Pink (May 1, 2011)

Family is not about place.  It is about people.  You aren't abandoning the children just because you change locations.  

You can be defined by place or you can define the place you are in.  Your choice.  Will you be any less "you" in a different environment or will you be able to be more yourself without the burden of a house that no longer represents _you_ ?

I think you've made that decision--and it is a difficult, grown-up kind of decision.  Your children seem to still be stuck in the past but they'll adapt and move on, too.


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## Kay H (May 1, 2011)

I agree.  Your house, your decision.  When youngest daughter moves out, you'd be stuck with a larger than necessary house.  I'd say do what is best for you.  Your whole life you put your children first.  Now it's time for you to do for you.  Good luck.


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## dougp26364 (May 2, 2011)

12 years ago we made a home decision based on the kids not being happy. What I found out was the kids weren't the ones paying for the home and, they weren't the ones who would be living in the home for years to come or paying to maintain the home. If I had it to do all over again, yea, I believe I'd have followed my own advice and not the childrens.


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## pwrshift (May 2, 2011)

Many years ago my friend inherited a family cottage in Muskoka, north of Toronto, and his wife and kids went up there for the entire summer for years with him going up on weekends.  When the kids got into the 'age 15' area they wouldn't go to the cottage anymore and the parents didn't feel comfortable leaving the kids alone in the house.  So they sold the cottage for a very good price (about 1/10th what they could get for it today) to a great uproar from their kids.  Families change over the years, just like family attitudes do for timeshares, but IMO those that pay the bills should make the decision.

Brian


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## timeos2 (May 2, 2011)

You have to do whats right for YOU not the wishes of the kids. My Mom will be 85 later this month and "should" have moved out of her home of over 50 years many years ago.  But in 2007 when she fell and broke her hip, an injury we feared might leave her in a nursing home, her attitude and health both changed for the better the very day she got to go back home. She rehabilitated and is back to her 5 mile a day walks in her neighborhood. Having a big old house seemingly in constant need of upkeep is her daily life. Without that she was lost and felt unneeded. Obviously being independent in her familiar surroundings and with her neighbors is far more important than "right sizing" her home. That isn't the answer for everyone but it's right for her. \

Do what makes you happy - the kids will understand eventually.


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## JanT (May 2, 2011)

It never fails to amaze me that children think they even have a right to intrude on this kind of decision.  If a parent's health is failing that's one thing but when a parent decides they want to sell the long time "family" home because they want to downsize or just do something different in theirs lives and children throw a fit and whine "Noooooo, we don't want you to!"  REALLY???  Completely selfish on the children's part as far as I'm concerned.  

Do what is best for YOU JMZ and tell the kids if they want the home to remain "in the family," they should buy it for themselves!   Otherwise, you have made a firm decision to sell it because it is what you want and what is best for you.


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## chellej (May 2, 2011)

We currently have 5 acres and are planning to sell in about a year just because the upkeep on the property is just too much and expect we will get the same kind of complaint from our kids.

I am starting to prepare them now so that hopefully by the time it happens they will be ok with it.


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## kwilson (May 2, 2011)

Refi and buy what you want. Then sell it to the kids or rent it to them. If they won't buy or rent it they have no claim to it. That's reality.


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## stmartinfan (May 2, 2011)

This won't help with your decision - but if you decide to sell, here's an idea for your kids.  When my brother sold his family home where his 3 kids had all spent their childhood (they were ages 18-24), they all got together and did a walking video tour of the home.  They used it as a chance to share memories about what each space had meant to them, funny things that had happened in the room, etc.  There were some stories told about kid-style shenanigans that their parents had never heard before 

It was a way for the family to celebrate the good times they'd had in the house and say good bye to it, while preserving some memories for the future.


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## Margariet (May 2, 2011)

How selfish of your children. Or are you using their arguments because you are not so sure yourself? Otherwise let them buy the house.


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## jmzf1958 (May 2, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses.  I am ready to sell, not just because the house with its five acres is too much work, but also my life will have a lot less stress, and I will get money back after the sale.  I'm sure the kids will come around - it's a process. I told my kids, home is where your mom is.   I like the idea of walking around the house and video taping.  You're right - my money, my decision!  Another chapter in our lives.


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## hefleycatz (May 2, 2011)

stmartinfan said:


> This won't help with your decision - but if you decide to sell, here's an idea for your kids.  When my brother sold his family home where his 3 kids had all spent their childhood (they were ages 18-24), they all got together and did a walking video tour of the home.  They used it as a chance to share memories about what each space had meant to them, funny things that had happened in the room, etc.  There were some stories told about kid-style shenanigans that their parents had never heard before
> 
> It was a way for the family to celebrate the good times they'd had in the house and say good bye to it, while preserving some memories for the future.



I love this idea.  My brother and I are in the process of selling our family home.  My mother passed away 6 years ago and my father passed this past Thanksgiving.  We too are truly sorry to have to sell, but neither one wants the responsibility for the upkeep in a very small town.  I took pictures of every room at every angle, but I love the video idea.  

lee


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## CSB (May 2, 2011)

Judy, the listing went up today for the house I grew up in. My mother passed away last year and before she did she wanted so much to move out of the house and into a retirement residence. She felt the house was too much for her to handle but my father was against moving. She also felt isolated in the house because she gave up driving and did not go out very much. She would have blossomed in a retirement home with activities and people.

My father is now in a retirement home after we persuaded him that he could not manage by himself (he is having memory problems). He is enjoying himself and does not seem to miss the house.

My sister and I spent the last 2 weeks cleaning up the house and preparing for the sale. I know my mother would have felt terrible that we had to do all of that by ourselves. I wish that she could see the house now. She would be so happy. It is all clean and devoid of all the clutter that really bothered her.

I will add my voice to the others. Do what is right for you and enjoy yourself!


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## pgnewarkboy (May 2, 2011)

jmzf1958 said:


> Hi.  I've been in my house 24 years now.  My ex-husband and I built it.  I've been here with my kids the last 12 years.  The house is too big for me.  I've gotten a purchase offer on the house.  My 25 and 21 year old are very upset.  They're really attached to the home.  My 25 year old won't be back, she's out on her own.  My 21 year old is still home, has two more years of college to go. It's been on and off the market for two years.  I had mixed emotions on selling it.  It is a beautiful home with a gorgeous view, but a lot of work.   Has anyone had this situation where your kids were upset that you were selling the home?  How did you handle it with them?  It doesn't help that I go back and forth between selling and not selling.  How do you know if you've made the right decision and won't regret selling it?  Any advice?  Thanks.  Judy



We recently sold our home of 26 years.  Our children grew up there.  They were attached to the house.  How did we handle it?  We told them to remove the remainder of any of their stuff from the house pronto!  We then told them to start helping us pack our stuff.


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## Rose Pink (May 2, 2011)

pgnewarkboy said:


> We recently sold our home of 26 years. Our children grew up there. They were attached to the house. How did we handle it? We told them to remove the remainder of any of their stuff from the house pronto! We then told them to start helping us pack our stuff.


If this were a facebook post, I'd click "like."


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## dioxide45 (May 2, 2011)

If my parents were to put their house up for sale, I would be upset. Though I wouldn't persuade them from selling it. I grew up in that house and was there until I moved out at 25. It will be hard to see it leave the family, but at some point they will want to move out and find something smaller.

About a year and a half ago, my grandmother passed away. The farmstead had been in the family for over a hundred years. The house is now up for sale. It will be hard on everyone to see the farm fall in to someone else's hands. There are lots of memories there; however, no one wants to run the farm and selling it was a requirement of the will. As hard as it is, the sooner it sells the better. It is no longer a working farm with a century barn and buildings tend to deteriorate when not in use. So the sooner someone can move in to either refurbish everything or begin farming again, the better.


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## sail27bill (May 2, 2011)

pgnewarkboy said:


> We recently sold our home of 26 years.  Our children grew up there.  They were attached to the house.  How did we handle it?  We told them to remove the remainder of any of their stuff from the house pronto!  We then told them to start helping us pack our stuff.



This is how my in-laws handled selling their home of 30 years.  My husband and his siblings complained and complained; they even tried to come up with ways to buy it.  The house needed a lot of work.  My father-in-law put in $50,000 to get it ready for selling.  They did not give their children that long...they were told to come and get their stuff or it would be thrown out.  They kept their word (A lot ended up in the garbage).  Now the children are all married with homes of their own...  and they have moved on. 

Judy...Remind your children they will always have their memories but it is too much for you.  Eventually they will come around.  FWIW, I can't wait to downsize from the suburbs to an apartment in the city (9 years and counting)....

Best of Luck,
Anita


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## glypnirsgirl (May 3, 2011)

Ahhh. This sounds so familiar. 

My brother in law lived with his parents his whole life except for the 4 years while he went to university. As soon as he graduated, he was right back in his old bedroom. And he continued to live there. 

In 2006, my in-laws decided that the three story house was too much for their advancing age and state of decrepiitude. They 

first began going through their stuff and deciding what they would take to the assisted living center. They were moving from a 4 bedroom house to a one room apartment. Those decisions were not too painful and they moved their bedroom furniture, two favorite chairs and a desk, TV and computer into an assisted living center and told their son that he would need to find a place to live. 

Leaving most of their worldly belongings in the house was not too painful. They could live where they had help and on the weekends their friends or family would take them back to the house so that they could go through their "stuff."

Throughout the process, in-laws kept on telling 46 year old son that he needed to get ready to move. He never went through any of his stuff. 

Over many months, they would go back to the house and go through their things and decide that they could not bear to get rid of 80% of what they had. That 80% would go right back on to the shelves, back to the basement, etc. It was a long and painful process to get the house into shape to sell.

After 14 months, they put the house on the market. They continued to tell their son to get ready to move.

After 4 more months, the house sold and was scheduled to close in 30 days. BIL was FURIOUS that the house had been sold right out from under him!!! Truly! He complained about until both of his parents died. 

Get rid of the kids stuff first.

elaine


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## Patri (May 3, 2011)

pgnewarkboy said:


> We recently sold our home of 26 years.  Our children grew up there.  They were attached to the house.  How did we handle it?  We told them to remove the remainder of any of their stuff from the house pronto!  We then told them to start helping us pack our stuff.



:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:


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## Icc5 (May 3, 2011)

*Your house,your decision*

We have dealt with this twice now.  The house we are in now was my wife's parents house.  We bought out the sibblings, remodeled and it has become the family home for all in the area.  It is our house but we all get along great so it is more a family home.
Different story:
My parents house (father passed away) and my mother is living in the house my aunt owned (paid for and owned by myself and sibblings).  My oldest brother lives in my parents house.  We grew up loving this house and now I wouldn't set a foot in the house.  He has a large dog and the house smells, unkept and has lost the homey touch.  My mom had cared for my aunt for 4 years before my aunt passed away and so she decided just to stay there.
Bart


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## bobcat (May 4, 2011)

glypnirsgirl said:


> Ahhh. This sounds so familiar.
> 
> My brother in law lived with his parents his whole life except for the 4 years while he went to university. As soon as he graduated, he was right back in his old bedroom. And he continued to live there.
> 
> ...



They should have moved out your BIL first.


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## Texasbelle (May 5, 2011)

Your choice.  From my aging viewpoint, I like our home and want to stay here as long as we can.  When my parents house was sold, I felt like an orphan.  Going home was never the same.  And advice to kids is don't go back and look at the "improvements" the new owners make.


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## jehb2 (May 6, 2011)

My mother has difficulty maintaining her home.  She keeps it clean but doesn't like to fix anything--a lot of things are falling apart.  She can get into a retirement village for retired air force officers.  Its really beautiful and spacious.  My 2 & 4 year old thought it was a timeshare resort.  She really liked it.  But when my oldest brother visited it he hated the ideal of my mom living with other "old" people.  My mom is very patriarchal and listens to her sons.

This place exceeds the best and most expensive options available in the area.  But it is really affordable because it is a non-profit and just for retired Air Force officers.  The problem is you can only get into the village while you can still do things for yourself even though they have many other options should you later require a lot of assistance later on.  

If anything happens to my mom her options will be severely limited.  My sister is a social worker and knows exactly what housing options  are available to someone one my mom income bracket. It isn't pretty.  But mom has made her decision and I will not bother her about it.


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## nazclk (May 6, 2011)

*Your House Your Rules*

It's your's Why do you have to get permission to sell it.  Do you ask their permission for everything you do, I think not, at least I hope not.  Sell it and have fun you worked for it. License plate I saw once on a fancy car read
"I am spending my children's inheiritence"  so there:hysterical:


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