# Mom checked in to hospice today :(



## laurac260 (Feb 9, 2014)

The beginning of the end has begun.


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## susieq (Feb 9, 2014)

So sorry you have to go through this.


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## Passepartout (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, I'm saddened to hear this. May you have peace with the decision. It is right.

Jim


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## laurac260 (Feb 9, 2014)

Thank you Susie.  It's been a long road.  Here's a link to a previous thread I started, back when we were doing rehab.  It gives all the background.

http://www.tugbbs.com/forums/showthread.php?t=200272&highlight=laurac260


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## Ridewithme38 (Feb 9, 2014)

Is she at a hospice center or getting at home care?

My mom works for hospice. I'm sorry to hear that your mother has qualified for hospice, but hospice is full of great doctors and nurses and the personal attention people get is a great thing.  When I was younger, I'd hear stories almost daily over dinner about medications levels being 'fixed' once patients were seen by the hospice nurses on a regular basis and them improving and living a more fulfilling life for several years under hospice, even getting taken out of hospice due to their improvement.   They also have great grief counselors to helf the family through this transition. With all that said, every person/case is different and I wish your mother the best!


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## falmouth3 (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, I'm sorry to hear this news.

My mother is in a nursing home after breaking her hip last April.  In October, her congestive heart failure was causing her great difficulty.  They put her on "comfort care."  To our amazement, she is more alert and communicative since then.  She is also using her feet to move herself and her wheelchair around the nursing home to visit other people.  

Hopefully your mother will also be able to buy some more "good time".


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## laurac260 (Feb 9, 2014)

Ridewithme38 said:


> Is she at a hospice center or getting at home care?
> 
> My mom works for hospice. I'm sorry to hear that your mother has qualified for hospice, but hospice is full of great doctors and nurses and the personal attention people get is a great thing.  When I was younger, I'd hear stories almost daily over dinner about medications levels being 'fixed' once patients were seen by the hospice nurses on a regular basis and them improving and living a more fulfilling life for several years under hospice, even getting taken out of hospice due to their improvement.   They also have great grief counselors to helf the family through this transition. With all that said, every person/case is different and I wish your mother the best!



in patient care Ride.  I know that hospice is a great facility.  I've been there before to visit others, it's a beautiful location.  It's just the "finality" of it.  I've known for about 6-7 months that my mom was "terminal".  Just knowing that she has only days or weeks left is what is hard.   She is on a bpap (or bipap-I never get that straight).  One step away from intubation, which she has refused.  She is on the device 24/7 now.   She is DNR and CC (comfort care only).  She has basically refused food or drink for 24-48 hours.   

She also dropped a 'bomb' on me yesterday, in that she wants her caretaker friend to have her house.   Have as in literally "here's the keys, enjoy".  The house is paid off.


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## LannyPC (Feb 9, 2014)

laurac260 said:


> It's just the "finality" of it.  I've known for about 6-7 months that my mom was "terminal".  Just knowing that she has only days or weeks left is what is hard.



I'll echo the well-wishes to you and your family while having to go through such an ordeal.  IMHO, the hardest part is just the waiting as well as dreading every time the phone rings wondering if this...well, you get the picture.

Again, here's hoping that you and your family can pull through this difficult time.


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## schiff1997 (Feb 9, 2014)

I was fortunate enough to be able to keep my Mom in our care and with the help of a wonderful palliative care organization at home during her lung cancer battle, right until the end when she passed away at 10 pm on Christmas Eve 2012.  My hand resting on her heart when it finally took its last beat.  Never any regrets .

I saw how incredible the human body can be, she survived for 11 days without taking in food or water and no iv hookup.  She fought until the very end.  I was truly blessed to have had such a strong woman in my life and in our home for her last 15 years of her life.  

My prayers are with you Laura


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## Pat H (Feb 9, 2014)

So sorry, Laura.


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## rickandcindy23 (Feb 9, 2014)

Very sorry to read this.

I read a book after my wonderful stepsister passed away called "Proof of Heaven" by neurosurgeon Dr. Eben Alexander. It was very comforting to all of the sisters who chose to read it.  Some of my sisters have not been able to deal with the loss enough to even read it.  There are six of us.  

I realize it's a tough thing, losing a parent.  The book made me feel so much better, I think it's a valuable read at this time.  It helped my stepdad a great deal, too.  He is 79 now, and he would rather be the one that died in place of Colleen.  Colleen was just six weeks older than me.  

After reading that book, Dad knows she is now in a good place.  She had years of pain, which is over.  Liver cancer was a terrible end for her, but the last days were fast.  Thank heavens.


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## heathpack (Feb 9, 2014)

Sad for you, it's a tough tough thing.

H


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## Luanne (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, I am so sorry.


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## Jaybee (Feb 9, 2014)

This is a truly beautiful tribute to your mom.  I'd love to think that any of my kids would say such a lovely thing about me.  ♥♥♥  



schiff1997 said:


> I was fortunate enough to be able to keep my Mom in our care and with the help of a wonderful palliative care organization at home during her lung cancer battle, right until the end when she passed away at 10 pm on Christmas Eve 2012.  My hand resting on her heart when it finally took its last beat.  Never any regrets .
> 
> I saw how incredible the human body can be, she survived for 11 days without taking in food or water and no iv hookup.  She fought until the very end.  I was truly blessed to have had such a strong woman in my life and in our home for her last 15 years of her life.
> 
> My prayers are with you Laura


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## laurac260 (Feb 9, 2014)

Thanks everyone.  We are doing "family shifts" currently.  I am staying at home today, and will be going tomorrow to hospice.  

The sad irony is, hospice is attempting to speak with mom about a medical POA.  The hospital medicated her for the trip, and she isn't able to communicate yet.

You might recall from my previous thread early fall, that mom refused signing a POA because she didn't want her kids to put her in a facility.  We tried to explain that that wasn't possible, but she didn't believe us.  

Well, here she is, in the same place she didn't want to go.   She sort of resigned herself to going two nights ago, and signed her own papers.

Hospice has said that if they cannot get an answer from her, they will appoint her oldest child, which is, ironically, the one child she doesn't want to see   .

If he refuses, then the 2nd oldest (me), will be the appointee.  Wish she would have just done this in the beginning.


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## pedro47 (Feb 9, 2014)

My prayers are with you and the family.


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## Dori (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, I am so sorry that you are all going through this terrible time.

Dori


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## b2bailey (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, my condolences. I notice nobody 'touched' your comment regarding your mom's home. Do you want to explore your thoughts and feelings about this on a deeper level?


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## Kay H (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, i'm so sorry for your circumstances.  I was with my mother in the hospital when she died and I felt like I did everything possible to make her death less painful.  It is so hard to lose a parent, no matter the circumstances,  I wish you, your family and your mother the strength to get you through these last hard times.
.


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## joewillie12 (Feb 9, 2014)

Laura, Sorry to hear about your mother. I had to put my dad in hospice last year. I knew it was the correct and only choice to make but still saying "yes" was the hardest decision I ever had to make. The folks that work at hospice are angels in disguise. I'm not sure how they deal with the everyday pain and sorrow they see but someone explained to me it is a calling. I wish you and your family all the strength. My prayers are with you. God Bless.


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## WinniWoman (Feb 9, 2014)

Sorry, Laura. Went through it 3 years ago with my mom, who we placed in assisted living with hospice coming in just 3 months before she passed. Tough time for you and your family. Thoughts are with you...

(This is not the time, but as for the house thing...I hope your mom has a will...Try to put her comment aside for now and deal with her situation and you and your family can discuss it more rationally when things settle down later. This is too much of an emotional time right now...)


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## JudyH (Feb 9, 2014)

It sounds like your mom is just letting fate take its course.  Thats why she chooses to do nothing, lets no one else do anything, its the only way she can have control and give it up at the same time.  Doing it this way probably gives her some peace.  I wish for peace for the rest of you and your family.


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## laurac260 (Feb 9, 2014)

Funny thing, death.  And life...

Mom called us all to her bedside.  Said her goodbyes.  She wanted me alone to be by her side, hold her hand ,say goodbye, as she passed.  

So, I did.  I expected it to happen.  Her breathing got slower, at times stopped, and I thought "this is it".  But she kept opening her eyes, sneaking peeks at me, like a child.  She kept asking me to let her go, so I " gave her permission to go".  Then I asked her if she wanted to be alone.  She said yes, so I thought "this is it".  And walked out.


Here's the "funny" part... She didnt drift off, she's still here, and seemed visibly annoyed that it didn't work as she wanted.  So, she called us back in, sheepishly I think .
 She's asked for pain meds.  And now she's resting.

Death is a funny thing, I guess.  It comes when it wants to I suppose.


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## Timeshare Von (Feb 9, 2014)

God bless to your mom and family Laura.


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## puppymommo (Feb 10, 2014)

My thoughts go out to you and your family, especially your mother who may be facing a lot of fear and uncertainty.  Yes, death is mysterious as is life.  The hospice people can be so helpful and when the time is near they will let you know.

Again, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.


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## laurac260 (Feb 10, 2014)

It was a long night of not much sleep, I think I was waiting for the phone to ring all night, but no calls.  Her sis spent the night with her.

It's funny, bring weary travelers together, the raw emotion that comes from saying your goodbyes and thinking that "this is it, this is her last breath", only to realize minutes, hours later that this "isn't it", and may not be for days… well, folks turn a bit punchy at that point!  

The conversation was sad, somber, but at times turned into a sort of monty python skit out in the lobby, you know the one….

"Bring out your dead!"

"here's one"

"I'm not dead!"

"yes you are"

"No I'm not"

"You very nearly are"

"It's just a flesh wound!"

I think at one point I said, "How many chances are we going to give her to call us for the 'final moment' before we say, 'ok mom, THIS time better be the one ok??"  

She needs peace.  May she be granted her wish, soon.


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## GrayFal (Feb 10, 2014)

laurac260 said:


> Funny thing, death.  And life...
> 
> Mom called us all to her bedside.  Said her goodbyes.  She wanted me alone to be by her side, hold her hand ,say goodbye, as she passed.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I have been a Hospice nurse for 20 years and yes, it happens when it happens.
She will find peace soon.
{{{Hugs}}}


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## schiff1997 (Feb 10, 2014)

Jaybee said:


> This is a truly beautiful tribute to your mom.  I'd love to think that any of my kids would say such a lovely thing about me.  ♥♥♥



Thanks there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her and her beautiful Irish smile


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## Rose Pink (Feb 10, 2014)

JudyH said:


> It sounds like your mom is just letting fate take its course.  Thats why she chooses to do nothing, lets no one else do anything,* its the only way she can have control and give it up at the same time*.  Doing it this way probably gives her some peace.  I wish for peace for the rest of you and your family.


I had never thought of it that way before.  Thank you.
*****************************************

Laura, may peace find you and your mother.  I know from personal experience that this is not easy nor is it without pain.  I also know that you emerge from it with greater strength.


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## heathpack (Feb 10, 2014)

laurac260 said:


> Funny thing, death.  And life...
> 
> Mom called us all to her bedside.  Said her goodbyes.  She wanted me alone to be by her side, hold her hand ,say goodbye, as she passed.
> 
> ...



It's not like the movies, that's for sure.

Hang in there!

H


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## JudyH (Feb 10, 2014)

Having been thru this with 5 parents, its like pulling a bandaid off slowly.  Thinking of you and yours.


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## Timeshare Von (Feb 11, 2014)

My heart and sympathies are with you.  I remember going through a similar situation with my mom.  She wasn't in hospice but we made the life support decision on Friday afternoon and she hung on until Sunday morning.  Those 36 hours were the toughest ever.


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## laurac260 (Feb 11, 2014)

b2bailey said:


> Laura, my condolences. I notice nobody 'touched' your comment regarding your mom's home. Do you want to explore your thoughts and feelings about this on a deeper level?



Yes, lets do pursue this, shall we?  

Now, shall we start with… finding out she was forging mom's name on checks?

or the part where credit cards "went missing", then mysteriously reappeared (except the kroger card, it's still missing).

Or the fact that she was driving around with my mom's checkbook and "rainy day box" in the trunk of her car?  

But hey, why start there!  No, let's START with the part where we went to retrieve mom's wallet (that was hidden in caretaker's dresser), and found her and her cousin and daughter smoking pot and getting drunk in my not yet deceased mom's living room.  Yea, that's as good a place as any.    I threw both of those lovely "friends" out that moment.  That part I actually enjoyed.  

Then we can segue in to the part where I spent the morning freezing all mom's accounts (which is when I learned about the payment to a bank that mom does not do business with… still need to uncover that one), then we can talk about having to sit in mom's driveway for an hour and a half while she argued with the cops as she continued to pack up all the stuff she had in mom's house, and with her kids carting it out the back door so I couldn't see.  It doesn't seem anything is of value is missing, well, except for the 350$ grocery bill she ran up last week, yet there's not a scrap of food in the house.  

I guess I'm rather bitter that i spent my entire day and a half that I should've been with my mom, dealing with this piece of work woman.  Locks changed, house secured, lesson learned.   She DID "buy" my mom 3 months of time at home (something I could not give her--and for that I am grateful), and she ALMOST got a house in return.  It's just that pesky thing called scruples and morals that got her in the end.   

Meanwhile, mom is steadily progressing downhill.  We remove her bipap tomorrow, at her request.  I'm glad we were able to get all the mess behind us (hopefully) so we can focus on the important stuff.


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## Passepartout (Feb 11, 2014)

Laura, it seems you are getting a handle on the situation. I'm sorry it came down to you at this time. When a loved one passes there are always things that turn up, go away, and secret nooks and crannies to look into. With your mom being secretive for as long as she was, you may find out more than you want to know. 

Be strong. Here's a big {{{TUG HUG}}} I hope it helps.

You're among friends here.

Jim


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## JudyH (Feb 11, 2014)

Wow, that sure helped you make up your mind.  You go girl.  The caregiver took advantage of the situation (as did the women who took care of my father. The last straw was when they tried to convince me that my father had left signed $10,000 checks for them and had I found them?). They did keep him going, if for no other reason than he loaned them cash and paid them under the table.  Who knows how she manipulated your mom during the days.

And I also think the very elderly must feel a lot of anxiety as they become less and less able to be independent and just want to maintain control to contain that anxiety.

Thinking of you.


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## MommaBear (Feb 11, 2014)

I am so sorry that you have to deal with unscrupulous people which takes you away from your mother.

It is such a gift to spend the time with your loved ones while they are in hospice. I treasure the memories I have from having done hospice with my MIL and my father. My father made the decision to stop all treatments, whereas my MIL died of her cancer. He expected the process to be a short one and kept apologizing that it was taking so long. It was an honor to spend those precious weeks with him.

Wishing you and your mother comfort and peace.


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## Jaybee (Feb 11, 2014)

Oh, Laura, my dear.... I've been following your journey, and feeling your pain.  I had my own journey with my mom, some years ago, but without many of the roadblocks you've had.  
     My mom was an alcoholic, and her mind was probably the first thing to go. She lingered on for 14 yrs., in Assisted Living, and then a nursing home.  
     We had a touch & go relationship for most of my life. My Grandmother raised me, and being an only child, I found it ironic that I ended up the one to care for my mother. Even so, the guilt is always there, undeserved, or not.
     I'm 81 now, and I hope I don't put my kids through a torture chamber like that. It is interesting how the humor pops up, even in the saddest situations. You said life.. and death are funny things, and I found your story of your mom's "practice departure" made me smile, as painful as it must have been for you.
     I wish you the strength and fortitude you need to get you through. You've done a wonderful job, and thank you for sharing your story with all of us.  Love and hugs.


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## laurac260 (Feb 12, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the support.  We took off the Bipap today.  Strangely, moms O2 Sats are higher WITHOUT it.  

It really makes you second guess things.

I actually thought to myself, boy, if by some miracle she comes back to life, she sure will be mad when she learns all that has transpired.


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## laurac260 (Feb 13, 2014)

Tomorrow is my mom and step-dad's wedding anniversary.  Valentine's day.  He passed last Feb 28.

Saturday, or Sunday, the first and second of February, was when she "gave up".  or gave in.  Whichever.

I wonder if she knows that it's tomorrow?


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## vacationhopeful (Feb 13, 2014)

Laura,
Please celebrate the day with your Mom --- a big Happy Anniversity balloon and some very smelly (bright) flowers (most memories are sight and smell) ... she may be holding onto the Feb 14th date, wanting to join him.

Let her know you recognized her important dates and will always remember the dates and her ... 

Glad you took care of the problem on your mom's HOME FRONT ... vultures come in all shapes and sizes. Please follow up with the police charges - it will save other families from these creeps - elder abuse MUST be treated just like child abuse.


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## heathpack (Feb 13, 2014)

I have to say your Mom sounds like a real character.  I mean that in the best possible way.  

H


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## Zac495 (Feb 14, 2014)

All my love Laura, to you and your mom.
She's so lucky to have you beside  her. That's my wish when I go.


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## laurac260 (Feb 14, 2014)

Today my mom had something to say.  I wasn't sure what it was, but she was desperate to reach us.  At one point it appeared she was screaming at me.  But she couldn't vocalize, couldn't form words.

But this...

The son she hadn't seen in years came tonight.  Not sure why tonight, the roads were terrible.  Maybe he felt something.  

She passed while he was there.  She told me she didn't want to see him, but I knew it wasn't really true.  So she waited for him to come.  And he did.

Rest in peace mom.


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## heathpack (Feb 14, 2014)

laurac260 said:


> Today my mom had something to say.  I wasn't sure what it was, but she was desperate to reach us.  At one point it appeared she was screaming at me.  But she couldn't vocalize, couldn't form words.
> 
> But this...
> 
> ...



Sorry to hear about your Moms passing.  But I'm glad she got to see her boy one last time.  Thinking of you & yours.

H


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## Fern Modena (Feb 15, 2014)

My condolences to you, Laura. 

Glad to hear your brother made it in time.

Fern



laurac260 said:


> Today my mom had something to say.  I wasn't sure what it was, but she was desperate to reach us.  At one point it appeared she was screaming at me.  But she couldn't vocalize, couldn't form words.
> 
> But this...
> 
> ...


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## DaveNV (Feb 15, 2014)

Sad news, Laura, but her struggle has finally come to an end. Wishing you strength for the days ahead.

Dave


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## Passepartout (Feb 15, 2014)

Sincere condolences, Laura. I wish you the strength to do what you need to and I wish you peace.

Jim


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## mav (Feb 15, 2014)

God Bless You. Hugh hug. My Mom was my dearest friend.


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## vacationhopeful (Feb 15, 2014)

Laura,
Sorry for your lost. It is the little things that you will always remember - like, your brother's visit.

She seemed to be waiting and hoping .. glad she had the peace that let her finally move on.


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## Patri (Feb 15, 2014)

My sympathies. What an amazing journey that was.


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## Nancy (Feb 15, 2014)

My sympathies to you and your family.

Nancy


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## laurac260 (Feb 15, 2014)

Thanks again, again, everyone.

I have had a little something to smile about today, even to chuckle about.

The day before mom went to Hospice I asked her about my brother, did she want to see him?  She said no, but she also said "he would not come to see me I know he would not."

After a few back and forth like this, I told her " I bet you five bucks if you wanted to see him he would come. " 

"No he wouldn't" is her reply.

I have a little fun with this one.  "mom, I bet you five bucks.  do you want to bet?  But  If you lose you owe me five bucks."  The nurse was rather amused by this.  I even got a tiny smile out of mom.

Well, she lost the bet.  He did come.   

I have Her rainy day box with me, and I plan on collecting!


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## falmouth3 (Feb 15, 2014)

My condolences as well.  I'm sure your mother was soothed by your brother coming, but she knew who she could depend on.  We have a similar issue in our family as well.


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## schiff1997 (Feb 15, 2014)

I am so sorry for your loss losing a parent is never easy :-(


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## susieq (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry to hear your news.............My Mother did the same thing, waited for all her children to be there, then passed peacefully. Maybe your Mother "screaming" at you had to do with the bet........... Find Peace now, and take care of yourself.


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## Cathyb (Feb 15, 2014)

laurac260:  Just lost my husband 12/27 but he had Hospice the last two months of his life and I am ever so grateful we chose that road.  They visited him often (he had terminal lung cancer) and when the 'time came' they were ever so helpful and provided such wonderful support!  I am presently using their counseling to get me through this tough time.  My prayers are with you!


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## GrayFal (Feb 15, 2014)

laurac260 said:


> Today my mom had something to say.  I wasn't sure what it was, but she was desperate to reach us.  At one point it appeared she was screaming at me.  But she couldn't vocalize, couldn't form words.
> 
> But this...
> 
> ...


Terminal agitation happens, hopefully the staff explained this to you (decrease oxygenation to the brain).
Things happen the way they should.
You are a very good and loving daughter.
My sincere condolences


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## JudyH (Feb 15, 2014)

You are a wonderful daughter.  

Hugs.


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## AnnaS (Feb 15, 2014)

laurac260 said:


> Today my mom had something to say.  I wasn't sure what it was, but she was desperate to reach us.  At one point it appeared she was screaming at me.  But she couldn't vocalize, couldn't form words.
> 
> But this...
> 
> ...



I always find these stories amazing.

I am sorry for your loss.  May she rest in Peace.


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## FlyerBobcat (Feb 16, 2014)

Laura,
My sincere condolences....

(I just ran across this entire journey of yours now.  Take care of yourself.....  )


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## Rose Pink (Feb 16, 2014)

May peace find you and happy memories find a home in your heart.


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## taffy19 (Feb 17, 2014)

My sincere condolences to you for the loss of your mother.  It was good that your brother came to see her so she could finally rest in peace.  The other poster may have been right that your mother wanted to tell you that you had won the bet.

 You have had a very tough time from what I read in this thread and there must be more to the story in a different thread also.  My thoughts are with you and we are here for you.  TUG is a place to feel comfortable when you most need it.


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