# Online Dating sites



## pjrose (Feb 7, 2011)

DD (18) signed up with online dating sites a few weeks ago  .  We had hoped she'd meet some nice guys in her school, but her program is all girls.  

I was/am VERY concerned about the online sites, but fortunately she let me look at the results, including some apparent perverts (over 50, sending inappropriate requests) whom she immediately deleted.

One of the sites she used - Match.com - was a major pain.  She signed up for what appeared to be the least expensive plan (it was less per month, but they charged three months up front), and clicked off some options that added extra cost.  She got some inappropriate contacts that should have been screened out (way too old, one wanting to get a room for a few hours).   

After four days she and I decided she should cancel the account - not enough protections against contacts from those outside of her age range, and other issues that were inappropriate.  Hours on the phone with three customer service people (escalated twice) were non-productive - yes, she could cancel, but they would only refund a small part of the initial charge.  Despite only four days of use, they claimed they had to charge a minimum of a month, at the higher single-month rate, plus the extra features she had clicked off.  She's out around $50 for four days of a site that was not satisfactory.  Grrrrr.  Of course they don't make the refund policy clear in all the fine print, which most people probably don't read anyway. (Sounds like timeshare sales!)

We'll pursue getting back the extra from match.com, but in any case it's been a fairly expensive lesson learned for someone who has just recently gotten a bank card and never charged anything online before.  

On a different (and free) site, she got a contact from a guy who seems like a genuine decent person - I've done what checking I can, they've been on the phone and Facebook for countless hours, and we all met in a public place a few days ago.  Fortunately this guy really does seem nice, he lives an hour away, and doesn't have a car.  

She and he have both cancelled their online dating accounts. 

Any TUGgers have experience/knowledge/thoughts about online dating sites?


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## JanT (Feb 7, 2011)

PJ,

As I read through your post I could feel my heart pounding - literally.  All I could think of was "Craigslist Killer."  I know it's not the same thing but seriously, the dangers are very much the same.  I personally would discourage my daughter (and anyone else) from participating in one of those sites. But, that's just my opinion.  Please tell your daughter to be very, very careful.


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## MommaBear (Feb 7, 2011)

Although as a parent of young women I appreciate all the concerns, morethan 25% of couples meet online now. It is the "bar scene" of my generation. The smart things to do: 1) meet in a public place for the first several meetings 2) don't give out enough info that the other person can find out your home address 3) use the delete button for any odd responses- never repsond to them! One of my daughter's has had many odd responses and  a few good dates, the other one has not had any good dates out of it.  I have several friends in my age range (50's) who have met their current spouses online, so it does work.


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## SueDonJ (Feb 7, 2011)

pjrose said:


> ... Any TUGgers have experience/knowledge/thoughts about online dating sites?



Two long-term couples in our families met through online sites.  Don's brother "met" a woman who lived in California; they emailed and telephoned for months before he flew out there to meet her in person.  Then for a year or so they each flew cross-country once a month for 3-day visits, not staying in each other's homes until six months or so into that schedule.  Eventually she moved here to Boston and they've been living together happily ever since.  To give you an idea of how long they've known each other, the catalyst for them deciding they didn't want to fly to see each other anymore was 9/11 - the Tuesday AA Boston-to-LA Flight 11 was the scheduled flight they'd been routinely taking.

My 30yo niece and her match.com match were married last year.  It sounds so sappy but everyone who knows them, friends and family, say that they are perfect for each other and it was apparent almost immediately.  They both laugh about their first meeting after they'd been emailing and telephoning for a few weeks - she thought he may have had a couple DUI's in his past because he rode his bicycle to the restaurant and he thought she was scatterbrained because she sent him 4 texts telling him she'd be late.  Turned out he just wants to help the earth conserve energy and she was dealing with the techs who showed up late to repair the broken solar panel on the roof of her yoga studio.  No past DUI's, not scatterbrained, both of them want to save the world - perfect!

I used to believe that online dating is too risky and only whackjobs do it.  Not anymore.


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## Passepartout (Feb 7, 2011)

Sounds like she had some very mixed results. But that's what dating is all about, isn't it? Personally DW and I had very good  results some 13 years ago. That said, one DOES have to sift through the results and be very careful of whom one gives personal information. I know from experience that you can- and should- communicate anonymously for some time before bypassing the protections of the service. A month is too short a time (IMO).

I've heard my DW's description of some of the things prospective suitors wrote to her. Some inappropriate, some rampant narcissism, some wanting only 'short term self gratification' to say the least. Obviously my profile must have stood out from the rest.

I hope your DD has had good fortune in finding a good candidate, and that she can untangle herself from the service that doesn't seem to have held her preferences in confidence. A month of higher priced membership instead of 3 months of betrayed confidence and inappropriate matches seems like a good price to pay in the long run.

Good Luck!

Jim Ricks


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## am1 (Feb 7, 2011)

get her to try pof.com  which is completely free.  Maybe that one is what she tried.  

She will probaby have better luck if she meets them alone in a public place or they come pick her up and meet you only for a few minutes.  

At 18 is going to be contacted by mostly older guys.  At 18 people have facebook, high school, college, mutual friends.  

Why would they both cancel their accounts after meeting once?


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## theo (Feb 7, 2011)

*Oh, lordy...*



pjrose said:


> Any TUGgers have experience/knowledge/thoughts about online dating sites?



I'm reasonably sure that there are "questionable" (and good) people on any such site. In my former profession, a colleague had a relevant and appropriate plaque on the office wall that stated...
"In God We Trust --- all others we investgate". That's good parental and / or dating site advice too. 

From some limited observational experience within my own family regarding such sites, here are a few very general (but hopefully helpful) "summarized" observations:

1. eHarmony (apparently after voluntary completion of a very lengthy questionnaire, something which should discourage at least the lazy and / or semi-literate) apparently does its' own "matching" based in some (unknown to me) way upon the information and answers submitted. Photos can be "released" (...or not) on an individual match basis, and at any (...or no) time during the "back and forth" process of communications. Communications can be terminated by either party at any time and, once terminated, apparently cannot pass through that closed door again thereafter. Age and distance (and marital status, race, religion, left or right handedness, etc. parameters can apparently be very clearly specified in advance; "matches" which don't meet all of those pre-specified parameters will supposedly not be forwarded at all. The underlying presumption, of course, is that people are telling the truth in their own self-descriptions in the first place. Sometimes, only a later face to face meeeting and conversation will reveal that "it just ain't so".  

2. As reported to me by household participants, the "Match.com" site *may* be more populated by participants (both men and women, evidently) seeking "some action", perhaps more than a relationship. 
This particular observation may be subjective and not statistically verifiable. I can't claim to know one way or another; I'm just repeating and relaying some participant statements.  

3. I heard reference to a site called "chemistry.com" I understand that this too is a dating site (not one for aspiring laboratory chemists, as the name might suggest). I don't know any more about it than that...

While you hate to preach fear and suspicion, it should (i.e., must) *always* be remembered that the good looking, articulate young "Craigslist killer" was a medical student, apparently doing quite well in school. 
Clearly, he had successfully managed to completely fool a whole lot of very smart people along the way.
Just as clearly, I hope *that* medical school is looking at their applicants a whole lot more closely now...


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## vacationhopeful (Feb 7, 2011)

Tell her to take her time. Please.


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## laura1957 (Feb 7, 2011)

My eldest stepdaughter met her current husband online - after 10 years and 5 children they are still very happy 

I do second eharmony from women I know who have tried a few different sites - seems to be much better screening. 

 My daughters friend tried a couple sites a few years ago, and while she never found her "match" - she met a few very nice young men that are now very good friends.


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## Fern Modena (Feb 7, 2011)

I second eharmony's screening.  They rejected me.  I was doing fine until I got to the question "What do you like in a man?" Evidentally three shots with a .38 Special wasn't the right answer. 
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Just kidding, of course.


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## JanT (Feb 7, 2011)

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: 



Fern Modena said:


> I second eharmony's screening.  They rejected me.  I was doing fine until I got to the question "What do you like in a man?" Evidentally three shots with a .38 Special wasn't the right answer.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


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## theo (Feb 7, 2011)

*Dating site tales, real and imagined...*



Fern Modena said:


> I second eharmony's screening.  They rejected me.  I was doing fine until I got to the question "What do you like in a man?" Evidentally three shots with a .38 Special wasn't the right answer.
> Just kidding, of course.



Party #1.  I want a man who can make me laugh.
Party #2.  I want a woman who can make me dinner.
Party #1.  If you make me laugh, I'll make you dinner.
Party #2.  If you make me dinner, I'll make you laugh.

Another inter-gender standoff. No date. This is purely hypothetical, but...
====================================================

The following is a true story, told directly to me (and simultaneously to several other male friends present) by the male participant. No names, to protect the innocent:

Athletic and fit single man (a good guy and a good friend, even if a bit narcisstic about his "appearance" sometimes, a bit on the quiet side) apparently indicated in his dating site profile that he likes outdoor sports and activities and is very interested in health and physical fitness.

A responding woman in a nearby town sees his "profile" and responds, indicating that she too is very interested in the outdoors and physical fitness.

The two have a few more back e-mail exchanges and agree to meet late one afternoon in a very public place at a nearby mall for coffee and some face to face conversation. She has his photo, but not vice versa.

Our man arrives a few minutes early and secures a table. He is a bit surprised and somewhat tongue tied when a woman of about 375+ pounds suddenly joins him at the table. Seating herself, she quickly introduces herself and proclaims (quite correctly) that she said she is *interested in* physical fitness (...apparently meaning (to her) that she was interested in *becoming* physically fit). She also announces that she likes to fish --- and that maybe our man (who does not fish and is actually allergic to seafood) could perhaps give her some fitness pointers. Our man is a bit rattled by now, but he is a gentleman and stays awhile to talk and pays for the coffees. He then politely take his leave, declining to sign on to become a "personal trainer".

He is still a bit shaken and somewhat confused when he meets several friends for a drink a while later that same day. He tells his tale to his (very compassionate, very understanding) buddies (...who are nearly peeing themselves, laughing uncontrollably upon witnessing his highly animated state while telling his tale).

O.K., maybe this is a politically incorrect story, but I've told it anyhow (Please don't shoot me, Fern).
If I have offended anyone, I do apologize. What's the moral of the story? I'm not sure. Maybe it's that sometimes a completely truthful statement in the dating site arena may be subject to a variety of interpretations.   Or maybe it's just that I so clearly remember being among the guys very nearly wetting themselves laughing upon hearing this story from the actual, very perplexed male participant.


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## rickandcindy23 (Feb 7, 2011)

Fern Modena said:


> I second eharmony's screening.  They rejected me.  I was doing fine until I got to the question "What do you like in a man?" Evidentally three shots with a .38 Special wasn't the right answer.
> .
> .
> .
> ...



Fern, I love your humor, especially after all you have been through recently.  It's good to laugh sometimes.  I would bet it's difficult lately.  I am so sorry for your loss.


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## stmartinfan (Feb 7, 2011)

As someone else mentioned, I suspect one of the issues for your daughter is that there are far fewer people her age participating than older individuals.  For many kids that age, there are lots of other ways to meet people, and they can be limited for funds.  

Most of the people I know who were successful through the online services were out of college and in work/personal situations where they didn't have as many opportunities to meet someone otherwise.


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## Wonka (Feb 7, 2011)

*Dating sites can be successful*

My youngest son met his wife on a dating site.  They've been married two years and have their first daughter.  They seem very happy and well-suited.  However, we've never discussed his other experiences.


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## SueDonJ (Feb 7, 2011)

theo said:


> ... While you hate to preach fear and suspicion, it should (i.e., must) *always* be remembered that the good looking, articulate young "Craigslist killer" was a medical student, apparently doing quite well in school.
> Clearly, he had successfully managed to completely fool a whole lot of very smart people along the way. ...



I think it's just as important to remember that the Craigslist Killer was actively seeking prostitutes and not simply young women interested in dating.  He chose his victims specifically for their lifestyle, knowing that they were engaging in risky business right from the get-go.

That said, dating is risky business no matter if it's the online flavor or any other.  Everything said in this thread about not giving strangers access to your personal info, address, etc. and meeting for the first time in public is good, sage advice that anyone who is dating should follow.



Fern Modena said:


> I second eharmony's screening.  They rejected me.  I was doing fine until I got to the question "What do you like in a man?" Evidentally three shots with a .38 Special wasn't the right answer.



:hysterical:


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## am1 (Feb 7, 2011)

rickandcindy23 said:


> Fern, I love your humor, especially after all you have been through recently.  It's good to laugh sometimes.  I would bet it's difficult lately.  I am so sorry for your loss.



I guess I fail to see how shooting a man is funny.  There is so much violence in the world everyday already we should not need to joke about it.


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## memereDoris (Feb 7, 2011)

*Just my opinion.*

If we couldn't joke about the bad things in life, we would all be on anti-
depressants.  Now that wouldn't be funny.  

I have a daughter who met, dated, married a man in the traditional ways.  8 yrs later, she found out she was married to a pedifile.  There are no clear signs on a pervert's forehead.  In life, you take chances.  As long as you try to weed out the incompatables, the obvious freaks, that's the best you can do.

My brother-in-law met his wife on-line and they are very happy (15 yrs).

Good luck to your daughter.


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## JanT (Feb 7, 2011)

"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane."  Jimmy Buffett



am1 said:


> I guess I fail to see how shooting a man is funny.  There is so much violence in the world everyday already we should not need to joke about it.


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## glypnirsgirl (Feb 7, 2011)

*I met my husband on match.com*

Hi PJ - I met my husband on match.com. The dating site is not as "choosy" as eharmony. I was already married by the time that eharmony came online. My son tried it and did not score ANY matches. He was about 24 when he tried eharmony. Again, I suspect that there were not many people in his age group that were potential matches.

I was very specific in my preferences and I never posted a profile. Most of the perverts that are on match.com are fairly open about it and it is apparent from reading their profile. Some are a little more circumspect and you will not be able to tell until you talk to them or email them for awhile. I think that it is a good idea to correspond via email or talk on the phone for about a month before meeting - as Jim suggested. I talked/emailed with Ian for about 3 weeks before agreeing to meet him in a public place.

Ian scored as a 99 per cent match for me. And we really are compatible in some strange and satisfying ways. Neither of watches TV, we both read, our political ideas are similar, our religious viewpoints are similar. We are both very happy.

My son met his wife of two years on MySpace. They emailed for 6 months before meeting. And they are very well suited to one another. I love my daughter in law. I often tell Jordan that he chose a better wife than I could have ordered for him. 

My husband says that it is difficult for nerds to meet one another. He thinks that the computer is the perfect place.

elaine


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## mpizza (Feb 7, 2011)

My only thought about Internet dating is that some people shut out perfectly good friends that could possibly turn into mates by waiting for that perfect match.   I see it with a woman I work with.  She is in her 40s, never married, attractive, but instead of putting herself out there to meet people, she spends all her time on "findmeahusband.com".    

Maria


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## Passepartout (Feb 7, 2011)

mpizza said:


> a woman I work with....is in her 40s, never married, attractive, but instead of putting herself out there to meet people, she spends all her time on "findmeahusband.com".
> 
> Maria



At some point in life it's time to come to grips with 'Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince'.

IMO, for someone like PJ's DD, age 18 is not the time for computer matchmaking.

Jim


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## laurac260 (Feb 7, 2011)

*Catching the right man is all in the way you present yourself*

*Smart, middle aged woman*  (read, I hope to live to be 120, therefore, 60 to me is middle aged)
*tall *(when wearing 3 inch heels), *blonde* (it's a wig, but I rarely take it off, I've lost most of my own hair) *blue eyes* (yep, I have blue eyes--and somewhat bloodshot, love my bourbon!)
*seeking man for companionship who enjoys conversation* (read, I nagged my last husband to death, therefore I am very lonely)

*interests:  curious about religion* (read, I'm an atheist, therefore I am CURIOUS about religion)
*outdoors*:  (read, I like to look out my front door at my neighbors)
*love animals* (read, I currently have 58 cats, 14 dogs, 3 hamsters and a pregnant ferret)
*interested in cycling* (read, I have a schwin aerodyne I'm anxious to dust off)
*love fine antiques* (read, I am at the flea market atleast 3 times a week)
*A serious investor in purebred show/racing horses* (read, I'm at the track the other 4 days)


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## pjrose (Feb 8, 2011)

She and the new boyfriend (she likes the security of one guy and he also wants a relationship) are happily laughing on the phone most evenings.  He lives an hour away and doesn't have a car, and so far it's just been me driving them both to a mall to walk around  

I'm still pretty skeptical about the whole thing.....but very pleased to learn of all the successes TUGgers have had with online matches.

POF is the one where she met the current BF.  I was more worried about the free sites because I figured the less-serious people wouldn't bother to pay for another site.....but as noted above, there were plenty of creeps on match.com too.  

If/when this relationship fizzles, and if she wants to do the online thing again, I'll suggest eharmony.  It does sound safer.  My 40-something nephew was matched at 30-something with his 7th grade girlfriend and they've been very happily married since then.  

Good points about people her age not being as plentiful on the online sites. She just isn't in a school or work situation where there are guys to meet.  Anyway, for now she's happy with this guy and he does seem ok...and no car!


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## glypnirsgirl (Feb 9, 2011)

Passepartout said:


> At some point in life it's time to come to grips with 'Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince'.
> 
> IMO, for someone like PJ's DD, age 18 is not the time for computer matchmaking.
> 
> Jim



Despite my success (and yours, Jim), I agree with this in general. This is the age that I met my first husband sitting in front of me in my calculus class. Most of my friends married people that they met in school or shortly after getting their first real job when they were that age. My marriage just did not last.

I think there are special situations that make meeting someone online a more viable alternative.

For instance, I have a 23 year old step son that is very different and he has not found anyone he is interested in at college ---no one! He has not been on a date since graduating from high school. He likes video games, anime, manga, and some role playing games. Just not many girls are into those interests. I have a feeling he is going to have to meet someone online to find someone that shares his interests.

elaine


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## MuranoJo (Feb 9, 2011)

laurac260 said:


> *Smart, middle aged woman*  (read, I hope to live to be 120, therefore, 60 to me is middle aged)
> *tall *(when wearing 3 inch heels), *blonde* (it's a wig, but I rarely take it off, I've lost most of my own hair) *blue eyes* (yep, I have blue eyes--and somewhat bloodshot, love my bourbon!)
> *seeking man for companionship who enjoys conversation* (read, I nagged my last husband to death, therefore I am very lonely)
> 
> ...



I vote this one of the Funniest Posts of the Year!   Truly deserves the :hysterical:


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## pjrose (Feb 9, 2011)

Passepartout said:


> At some point in life it's time to come to grips with 'Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince'.
> 
> IMO, for someone like PJ's DD, age 18 is not the time for computer matchmaking.
> 
> Jim



I agree, Jim.    My heart sank when she told me she had signed up.  

But she met a lot of frogs and, worse, toads, in high school, there isn't much of a pool of either frogs or princes in her present school, and we live in the middle of nowhere on the other side of the universe. 

Better to do this openly with my knowledge, so I can help her weed out the toads, than to do it without and just go out with any hottie who contacts her.  

In less than a year she'll be out working, probably in a hospital, and then there will be plenty of possibilities to meet.  

Maybe the current find is a prince or maybe he's a frog, but he's not a toad.  In the meantime, they're happy on the phone and facebook and with me driving them to public places.


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## glypnirsgirl (Feb 9, 2011)

I think that you may have one of those special circumstances where this is a viable alternative - and especially true that it is better for her to be doing so openly.



pjrose said:


> Maybe the current find is a prince or maybe he's a frog, but he's not a toad.  In the meantime, they're happy on the phone and facebook and with me driving them to public places.



It sounds to me like this is a pretty safe solution. I especially like it that he doesn't have a car.

elaine


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## pianodinosaur (Feb 9, 2011)

pjrose:

DD is still very young.  There is no need for her to rush into any relationships.  I met my wonderful wife on a blind date that had been arranged by mutual friends.  

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.


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## pjrose (Feb 9, 2011)

pianodinosaur said:


> pjrose:
> 
> DD is still very young.  There is no need for her to rush into any relationships.  I met my wonderful wife on a blind date that had been arranged by mutual friends.
> 
> A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.



I agree completely.  But 18 year olds aren't as wise as we are.


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## laurac260 (Feb 9, 2011)

pianodinosaur said:


> :
> 
> 
> 
> A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.


_*An 18 year old*_ needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

But at some point in life, one wants a partner, someone to share things with.  So, a woman (meaning me), "needs" her man (meaning MY husband), like a fish needs water.  

He is truly my better half, and I am better as a whole with him in my life.  Lucky me.

I hope one day your daughter finds her "better half" as I did.  But at 18, there's so many other "fish to fry"!


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## pjrose (Feb 9, 2011)

I met DH when I was 17, but we didn't get "pinned" for another 2 years, engaged a year after that, and married till we almost four years later, when we were both 21 and out of college.  I don't know that people wait that long any more   .


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## pianodinosaur (Feb 9, 2011)

laurac260 said:


> _*An 18 year old*_ needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
> 
> But at some point in life, one wants a partner, someone to share things with.  So, a woman (meaning me), "needs" her man (meaning MY husband), like a fish needs water.
> 
> ...



I am very happy for both you and your husband.  I love my wife.  Most people put up with me just so they can be around my wife.


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## geekette (Feb 9, 2011)

pjrose said:


> I met DH when I was 17, but we didn't get "pinned" for another 2 years, engaged a year after that, and married till we almost four years later, when we were both 21 and out of college.  I don't know that people wait that long any more   .



What???   I would think it is scaling the other way, with people getting established in their careers before considering marriage.

Either way, dating is dating.  I would sooner ask a known Tugger to join me for a cup of coffee than sign on to meet strangers.  I'm married, so no one here is at risk    but my point is that I'd rather find him myself accidentally.  thinking, hmm, that (insert benign screen name here) is a clever guy!  He's really fascinating, too.  

For me, finding someone with common interests would be paramount and so I would likely find that person online but wouldn't do dating sites.  I am more interested in living my life and happening upon That Special Someone but have to say that having a boyfriend was never a priority in my life.  Running across someone on a special interest message board just seems like a better way to me but I am more passive in many things, this just being one of them.  Just otherwise sounds like too much work!!!!

But I am glad she has a new friend.  I do wish my parents would have prepared me for breaking up with boys.  I never did it very well because I was so concerned about not hurting the other person.  Too bad, as some of those guys could have been friends vs people to forevermore avoid ...


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## ricoba (Feb 9, 2011)

pianodinosaur said:


> Most people put up with me just so they can be around my wife.



That's my story too!


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## ricoba (Feb 9, 2011)

pjrose said:


> I met DH when I was 17, but we didn't get "pinned" for another 2 years, engaged a year after that, and married till we almost four years later, when we were both 21 and out of college.  I don't know that people wait that long any more   .



So long anymore....I was 33 when I got married for the first and only time, way back when dinosaurs ruled the earth in 1989.  This Friday, we share our 22nd anniversary.  I am a blessed man.


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## pjrose (Feb 9, 2011)

pjrose said:


> I met DH when I was 17, but we didn't get "pinned" for another 2 years, engaged a year after that, and married till we almost four years later, when we were both 21 and out of college.  I don't know that people wait that long any more   .





geekette said:


> What???   I would think it is scaling the other way, with people getting established in their careers before considering marriage. ...



You are absolutely right; I didn't word my statement correctly.  The median age at first marriage is definitely higher than it was, because of more people completing college and getting established in careers.  I should have said that perhaps people don't spend four years getting to know each other before marriage - i.e. shorter courtships, if anyone uses that word anymore.  I don't have any evidence for that, though.  All I know is that DD doesn't have the kind of patience that we had.


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## geekette (Feb 10, 2011)

pjrose said:


> You are absolutely right; I didn't word my statement correctly.  The median age at first marriage is definitely higher than it was, because of more people completing college and getting established in careers.  I should have said that perhaps people don't spend four years getting to know each other before marriage - i.e. shorter courtships, if anyone uses that word anymore.  I don't have any evidence for that, though.  All I know is that DD doesn't have the kind of patience that we had.



It would be interesting to know, tho, the median "courtship duration" but I think courtship gets hard to define and then becomes bad data.  

For example, if I knew "Joe" for 5 years as a friend, and then "dated him" one year, is that just one year of courtship?  I'd say yes, but another friend might decide that courtship began when she started having "those feelings" about him and subliminally converted "hanging out" to Dating.  I am sure that Joe's opinion on it would be different also.  He may put the yardstick at first kiss or second base.

Yes, your DD is much different than I was at 18.  I was not interested in dating and had a big enuf circle of friends that included males and females that I wasn't interested in being attached to anyone.  I wasn't sure I would ever get married and it didn't concern me, as I didn't believe the fairy tale and certainly did not need anyone to "take care of me".   I saw too many females becoming subservient to immature boyfriends and was not going to let it happen to me.  

I have always had a lot of male friends, tho, and am happy that your daughter gets to see how that is.  Hanging out with men is very different than hanging out with women.


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## laura1957 (Feb 10, 2011)

pjrose said:


> ...My 40-something nephew was matched at 30-something with his 7th grade girlfriend and they've been very happily married since then.
> !




I must be really really tired,  not surprising since I am working double shift this week - but I HAD to read this three times.  I knew I had to be wrong and your 30-something year old nephew was NOT matched with a girl in 7th grade   It took me a minute, but I figured it out!!


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## pjrose (Feb 10, 2011)

laura1957 said:


> I must be really really tired,  not surprising since I am working double shift this week - but I HAD to read this three times.  I knew I had to be wrong and your 30-something year old nephew was NOT matched with a girl in 7th grade   It took me a minute, but I figured it out!!



Ewww....that would certainly be creepy!  

Actually the 7th grade romance didn't last long because of the families moved.   Each went his/her own way through school, marrying others, and divorcing, but they were in touch as friends a couple of times over the years. If I've got this right, one was single and contacted the other who was married, then years later the one who had been married was single and contacted the other, who was at the time married.  

Then in their thirties each signed up for eHarmony.  After some online contact they exchanged phone numbers, and as soon as one of them said "hi" on the phone, the other one recognized the voice, and that was that.


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## Rose Pink (Feb 11, 2011)

pjrose said:


> Then in their thirties each signed up for eHarmony. After some online contact they exchanged phone numbers, and as soon as one of them said "hi" on the phone, the other one recognized the voice, and that was that.


"If you like pina coladas . . . . "


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## myip (Feb 11, 2011)

She is so young at 18.  I would not bother with internet dating at this age.  I want her to concentrate on school and studies to get a good education and degree.  She will meet someone at school or her extra activities.  If she is 25 years old.  I have no issue with internet dating.


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## SueDonJ (Feb 11, 2011)

I think the teens and twenty-somethings are actually much more comfortable with social interaction of any kind through the internet because they've pretty much grown up with the internet.  It's second nature for them to turn to the computer for most everything they do in their lives.

For that reason alone I wouldn't say that theirs is an "inappropriate" (for lack of a better word) age to consider online dating.  If online socialization is the ONLY interaction they're having with people in the real world then it's time to worry.  But if they're living full lives that happen to include online dating or interaction, then they're simply doing what they've always done and IMO there's nothing wrong with it if they follow the simple safety precautions.


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## pjrose (Feb 27, 2011)

*Update to DD's Online Romance*

She fell head over heels in love with her online date; after a few weeks they decided to get engaged.  DH and I met him and thought he seemed nice and also responsible.  Current job and education not the greatest, but working on that, and planning for a summer 2012 wedding so lots of time.  Too fast for us of course, but they are legally adults and if the romance really lasted a whole year, then ok.

So today DH and I took them out for lunch and then mall-walking and they decided to shop for an engagement ring.  Didn't buy one yet.  

Then we drove him home (he has no car) and when we reached his house there was a woman out front, shrieking obscenities about him cheating on her.  It was like something you'd see in one of those cop shows on TV.  We called the police to come for a domestic dispute.  DD had a panic attack in the car and couldn't breathe, opened the door for air, and fell out on the street; police called ambulance and she was taken to the ER (she's ok).  

I confronted the now EX boyfriend who confirmed yes, he is married (but supposedly filing for divorce).  DH and I had some rather strong words to say to him.  DD is of course devastated, angry, and very very hurt. She's learned a hard lesson about not getting serious so quickly.  

She could have met a liar like this anywhere, not just online, I know.  I just hope she'll wait quite awhile for another boyfriend, and then get to know him for a good long time before getting serious.


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## CarolF (Feb 27, 2011)

pjrose said:


> She fell head over heels in love with her online date; after a few weeks they decided to get engaged.  DH and I met him and thought he seemed nice and also responsible.  Current job and education not the greatest, but working on that, and planning for a summer 2012 wedding so lots of time.  Too fast for us of course, but they are legally adults and if the romance really lasted a whole year, then ok.
> 
> So today DH and I took them out for lunch and then mall-walking and they decided to shop for an engagement ring.  Didn't buy one yet.
> 
> ...




So sorry to hear this news.  I was looking forward to a happy ending.  Isn't it difficult to watch our children learn the 'hard way'?


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## am1 (Feb 27, 2011)

Its still possible things will work out for them.


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## wackymother (Feb 27, 2011)

am1 said:


> Its still possible things will work out for them.



God, I hope not!


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## vacationhopeful (Feb 27, 2011)

pjrose,
Sorry to hear that this _first_ involved more drama than a soap-opera for your daughter. It was fortunate that you and DH were there; she did not have to explain what happen, you were witnesses for the police, and the jerk might stay away from her (still suggest she get a new cell phone number).

Her self-esteem has taken a major hit. Romance in real life is seldom like stories the TV shows, movies, or romance novels proporagate. Group activities with extended family and friends (summer job at a sleep away camp?), live at program at a college (like a language program?), sailing classes, or a mother's helper for a distance relative or friend (perhaps for an extended trip). Hobbies or a summer program may never be a career, but these life skills are part of the balance in living life to the fullest.


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## Elan (Feb 27, 2011)

I would suggest your daughter get involved in some activities where there are an abundance of guys.  For instance: cycling club, running club, group tennis lessons, etc.  I often told a female friend of mine who was having difficulty "finding someone" to take up golf.  Golfers, generally speaking, are fun, relatively well off (golf's expensive), and honest (golfers penalize themselves, FGS!).  And golf is a GREAT couple's activity.


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## Passepartout (Feb 27, 2011)

So sorry that she found this liar. OTOH, this cloud may have a silver lining of making DD a little more cautious. Not quite so trusting. More patient and not in a hurry to 'tie the knot'. 

There's nothing wrong with getting to know the 'intended's circle of friends and finding out the type of activities and people they are involved with. In this case the fact that he is married- happily or otherwise- would have come out.

She has plenty of time- heck, I tried marriage too young and after it went down the tubes, I stayed single for 25 years.

Good luck to her and kissin' those frogs. There's a prince out there somewhere.

Jim


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## glypnirsgirl (Feb 27, 2011)

Elan said:


> I would suggest your daughter get involved in some activities where there are an abundance of guys.  For instance: cycling club, running club, group tennis lessons, etc.  I often told a female friend of mine who was having difficulty "finding someone" to take up golf.  Golfers, generally speaking, are fun, relatively well off (golf's expensive), and honest (golfers penalize themselves, FGS!).  And golf is a GREAT couple's activity.



I second this. Golf is a great way for a young woman to meet men. 

The other activity that I suggest is learning to scuba dive. Scuba diving is no longer as male-dominated as it once was, but it still is predominantly men. 

Overall, golf is better because you can visit during the activity which is improbable  in scuba.

I am horrified for your daughter at this result. What a risk the young man was taking to have had to be picked up and dropped off at his home at each date. It makes me think that he really was separated from his wife, but still a BIG FAT LIE to pretend to be single. 

One of the things that I found while practicing family law (which I am thankful I no longer do) was that most couples that were divorcing due to cheating had some event during their courtship that should have been a clue. Most clues were more subtle than this one.  

I hope that your daughter can get through this without a hit to her self-esteem. The other thing that I have learned is that cheating is all about the cheater and has nothing to do with the person being cheated upon (the wife) or the new companion (unless s/he is a willing and knowing participant). 

Reassure your daughter that this is not a reflection on her, she was an unwilling, unknowing participant.


elaine


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## pjrose (Feb 27, 2011)

CarolF said:


> So sorry to hear this news.  I was looking forward to a happy ending.  Isn't it difficult to watch our children learn the 'hard way'?



Yeah, it is, it really is.  He has us fooled too.  




am1 said:


> Its still possible things will work out for them.



   



wackymother said:


> God, I hope not!



Good grief no!  This guy is a liar, a cheat, and a predator.  Now she's telling me various things I didn't know about him....things he wanted.......   


And re the great suggestions about golf, scuba, and other activities - DD has a cardio-vascular condition that precludes these for now - it's manageable, and she might outgrow it, but for now she has to live at home and can't drive.


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## Rose Pink (Feb 27, 2011)

PJ, I have no advice.  I am just grateful you were there to rescue her.  She is a tender soul who has had some rough lessons to learn.  Hugs to you and to her.  Having our trust betrayed is one of the hardest, most painful of life's lessons.


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## T_R_Oglodyte (Feb 27, 2011)

Fern Modena said:


> I second eharmony's screening.  They rejected me.  I was doing fine until I got to the question "What do you like in a man?" Evidentally three shots with a .38 Special wasn't the right answer.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


I think there's a real gender issue here. What most guys want in a woman is more like three shots of tequila.  
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, truth be told, that's probably not the main thing they want in a woman. (And I'm kidding, too.)


*******************

My nephew and his wife met through a faith-focused on-line dating service for Christian men and women.  They had both been extremely frustrated with inability to find people to date through the normal channels, including churches and contacts.  They hit it off right away, and have been married now for about 15 years, with three lovely children.  Any my sister adores her DIL.


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## pjrose (Feb 27, 2011)

Passepartout said:


> OTOH, this cloud may have a silver lining of making DD a little more cautious. Not quite so trusting. More patient and not in a hurry to 'tie the knot'.
> 
> . . .
> 
> ...




Jim, Yes, yes, yes, I completely agree with you.


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## luv2vacation (Feb 28, 2011)

I have not read the whole thread but wanted to add another positive experience with match.com.

My daughter met her husband on match.com.  Her friends talked her into trying it when there was a free trial.  Within a week she had met him, they started dating, & hit it off.  I couldn't be worried b/c I knew nothing about it.  (She has a tendency not to "share' & lives over 2 hours away.)  As it turns out, they were married within a year, bought a house, had a little boy, & now have another baby due in April.

They seem to have a lot in common, she's happy, & I adore my grandson!  Oh, and now that she's also a mom, she is "sharing" a lot more!


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## geekette (Mar 1, 2011)

Holy Crap, PJ!!!!

SHE GOT ENGAGED?!?!?!!?!?

TO A MARRIED MAN??

Wow, sure went from meeting a boy to have a friend to a life-changing relationship to a showdown in the streets!

never a dull moment!

Hope DD is fine in every possible way.


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## pjrose (Mar 1, 2011)

geekette said:


> Holy Crap, PJ!!!!
> 
> SHE GOT ENGAGED?!?!?!!?!?
> 
> ...



Yup.  She feel head-over-heels with this POS.  He was polite, friendly, good sense of humor, seemed mature and responsible, and the two of them were setting the date (2012) and place (our back yard) and picking out rings.  

We met him and though we weren't happy about the speed of the romance and were concerned about differences in their backgrounds, I have to admit that we did find him personable, and we liked how happy they both seemed together.

I'm just thankful that she found out when she did, and not after the romance had progressed enough to leave her with a little remembrance   Thank goodness he didn't have a car, otherwise "that" might have happened, and also she wouldn't have had us there to pick up the pieces when she found out about wifey-poo.  

Most of us have had our hearts broken, but OMG, to find out the way she did, with his wife screeching profanities in the street, and him grappling with and tasing his wife????  Police and ambulance?????  It was bad.  

She is still shaky and taking anxiety meds.  I need some too, but I forgot to ask the doctor.  Oh well, I've got my TUG buddies  

If she would only learn not to take it slowly and not fall madly in love with any guy who looks in her direction.


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## vacationhopeful (Mar 1, 2011)

pjrose said:


> ..and tasing his wife????



He was carrying a taser???? Is that considered a (concealed) weapon in your state (PA)? There could be some serious stalker and/or mental health issues ... Esp since he was going to lunch with "his girl" and her parents. 

I would be putting up the NO TRESPASS signs on the edge of my yard and circulating his picture to my neighbors.


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## pjrose (Mar 1, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> He was carrying a taser???? Is that considered a (concealed) weapon in your state (PA)? There could be some serious stalker and/or mental health issues ... Esp since he was going to lunch with "his girl" and her parents.
> 
> I would be putting up the NO TRESPASS signs on the edge of my yard and circulating his picture to my neighbors.



I don't know about the legality of the taser.  I'm going to check with the police about that, and also find out the outcome of the police call we made (they were still there when we went to the ER with DD).  

He lives an hour away and has no car....I kind of doubt there'll be any issues here, as I gave him one hell of a lecture in front of the police, and there have been no attempts to call my cell.  He's been blocked from her cell and her and my facebook.  If need be, though, we'll certainly take out a restraining order.
I think his wife needs a protection from abuse order - DD says he tased her (wife) in the neck.  I missed that part.  

And back to the first response to my post - JanT - your pounding heart was certainly on the right track!


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## pjrose (Mar 29, 2011)

*About a month later....*

She tried again to see if she could find some decent guys, and now is off the sites for good (at least as long as she's our dependent).

Some of the jerks who contacted her:

Mr. 21 year old supposedly with a Master's Degree, owned 3 businesses, made $750K plus (I believe that like a hole in the head), looking for someone "freaky" (she didn't know what that meant).  

Mr. 22/24/26 (depending on the site - he said the info was wrong, don't worry about it) who was supposedly completing his Master's (in a program that doesn't exist) who moved to the area for a job offer (yeah right) who refused to give any info such as his name, had an untraceable cell, and wanted her to come to his place for dinner.  

Mr. old fashioned just wants to meet a nice girl....but enough red flags in the profile to wonder.  

Mr. 20 year old was in the Guard now manager at fast food restaurant who wants details about her undies.

Mr. college student who sounded like your average likes to go to movies type of guy; they communicated a bit online and then he said he had to be honest, he was just looking for you-know-what, and didn't think that was what she wanted.  She said thanks for your honesty.  He was probably one of the few honest ones out there.  

Mr. college-age probably-decent-but-boring - they met to watch a sporting event, but I think that'll be it.

So....after about 2 months, some close calls, two paid subscriptions, a bunch of free sites, I said "enough" and she is cooperating. 

She's also filled out some volunteer applications for work that will keep her busy, give her some pre-job experience, and maybe she'll meet people in person.  

For mature adults who are savvy and careful, ok, but teens or college-aged who may be less mature and gullible - no way.


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## CarolF (Mar 29, 2011)

Your daughter is so lucky to have you by her side and watching over her whilst she experiments.


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## pjrose (Mar 30, 2011)

CarolF said:


> Your daughter is so lucky to have you by her side and watching over her whilst she experiments.



Thank you.  I'm not so sure she agreed.....but I think she is recognizing it now.


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## Rose Pink (Mar 30, 2011)

One day my son said to me, "Mom, you were right."  I almost had a heart attack. 

Hang in there, PJ, she'll recognize your wisdom sooner or later.


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## Kona Lovers (Mar 30, 2011)

This reminds me of the brother in Napolean Dynamite who met his "soul mate" online.


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## Rose Pink (Mar 30, 2011)

Kona Lovers said:


> This reminds me of the brother in Napolean Dynamite who met his "soul mate" online.


Did you watch until the credits were over?  There is a wedding scene at the very end and you can tell her family is less than pleased. And that monotone love song?


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## SueDonJ (Mar 30, 2011)

Rose Pink said:


> Did you watch until the credits were over?  There is a wedding scene at the very end and you can tell her family is less than pleased. And that monotone love song?



HAHAHA!!!  Kip and Lafawnduh, one of my favorite movie couples ever!  "I love technology ... but not as much as you ..."  :hysterical: 

pj, I think you're doing a great job of parenting here, and am very glad that your daughter has been able to try this experiment with you watching over her shoulder.  It must have been very sad for you to have to watch her get her feelings hurt so badly, but thank goodness it didn't escalate to something much worse.  Good luck to both you and her as she makes her way ...


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## Dori (Mar 30, 2011)

My daughter and SIL met through "Plenty of Fish". She is a daycare teacher and he was, at that time, owner/driver of a long distance tanker. Neither one had much chance to meet new people due to their line of work. They now have two beautiful children, and are very happy together.

Dori


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## Kona Lovers (Mar 30, 2011)

Rose Pink said:


> Did you watch until the credits were over?  There is a wedding scene at the very end and you can tell her family is less than pleased. And that monotone love song?



Yes, that is incredibly funny!!:hysterical:


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## JanT (Mar 30, 2011)

PJ,

I'm so sorry things turned out this way for your daughter.  At 18 she has her whole life ahead of her and doesn't need to tie herself down.  Tell her to go and have fun, go places with her friends, travel, and just enjoy life.  There is so much more to life at that age than getting married and having babies.  There is plenty of time for that later.  If she gets married this young she will have passed up so many things that she will never be able to experience if she gets married.  Can you tell I got married the first time when I was really young and have plenty of regrets?  17 to be exact and what a stupid freakin' thing to do!!!  The only good thing that came out of it was my sweet daughter Jen and if it were the only way I could have her I would do the same things.  But, I didn't do many things I wanted to do with my life.  And that's ok but for a long, long time I really struggled with kicking myself over the many regrets I had.  I'm past that now but I always pass on advice to young people to skip the early marriage stuff.  In today's world when more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, I'd say the odds of it lasting when you marry REALLY young are even worse.  What she wants now will not be what she wants at 25.  What she wants at 25 won't be what she wants at 30.  Tell her to PM me if she wants any further advice from someone who thought it was so cool to get married so young.   

Thank the good Lord that she found out about this loser before it was too late.  I have to admit I am suspicious of most people.  I have a sixth sense about people and can read them very well.  I tend to judge them quickly and most of the time I'm spot on.  I am just so happy that she came out of this without too much damage.  She's young - she'll heal.  Tell her to take her time and just enjoy life!!!



pjrose said:


> And back to the first response to my post - JanT - your pounding heart was certainly on the right track!


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## bjones9942 (Mar 31, 2011)

There is also 'jdate.com' (I think of it as a rent-a-yenta) for those of the Jewish persuasion.

eharmony recently paid $500,000 in a discrimination case and had to change their business model because they were in violation of California (and other states) law.  Personally I wouldn't give them a penny.


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