# Am I crazy to be angry at my mother???



## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Now that Mother's Day is here and we are on the topic... I am very angry at my mom, and at the same time I feel guilty I can't simply be a better person and ignore the feelings..  So I am curious to know, do you think I have the right to be angry?

My parents live in Romania.  My dad works hard and is exhausted, close to retirement - after 40 years of work his pension will likely be $500 a month, despite his current higher wages, and their costs of living are triple that amount.  My mom is only 55, has not worked for 25 years, has zero income and no retirement - nothing.  I have been forking money over for years - anything from cash to bringing them on vacation to the US, to buying their vision glasses, etc.  My dad's current salary is nice, way above average in Romania, but they barely make it month to month.  My mom however pays to go to the gym, bought a new laptop, etc.  

I left Romania with $100 in my pocket from my grandma and an admission letter to the PHD program in the US, no help from my parents.  I am angry that there is an implicit assumption from my mom that I will support them, and she is neither working nor saving any money.  Am I crazy to be angry??

Not to mention, they asked me to get their immigration papers so they could look into moving here to the US... I spent $5,000 and got their green cards done and they have not even raised money for their plane tickets to get here.  They have no plan either for how they would generate income and health insurance to live here, but I agreed to get their green cards so they have the opportunity to find out on their own what it takes to make it here.  Otherwise they would have said I never gave them a chance.

Am I completely selfish to be upset and to have accumulated angriness along the years?


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## AwayWeGo (May 7, 2011)

*Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide.*




ada903 said:


> Now that Mother's Day is here and we are on the topic... I am very angry at my mom, and at the same time I feel guilty I can't simply be a better person and ignore the feelings..  So I am curious to know, do you think I have the right to be angry?


My mother passed away in 1982.  

Life is too short to let angry feelings fester too long.  

When I harbor anger toward someone, usually I'm the person who suffers the ill effects -- not the other person, who was target of my anger. 

Sometimes people keep their anger hot for a long time, even after they start to lose focus on whatever it was that triggered the anger.

Forgiving people is not always easy.  Yet it can be just as hard -- harder -- forgiving oneself as forgiving someone else. 

Yet the rewards of forgiveness can be very large.  Peace.  Serenity.  Calm.  A quiet conscience.  

Sure, I have the right to be angry.  But the cost is too high.  I can't no longer afford the luxury of anger.  

If I cannot forgive & forget, then I pray that I can detach from the other person & live in peace. 

Without knowing who is right & who is wrong, I nevertheless extend best wishes to you & to your mother. 

Good luck to you both. 

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​


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## Larry6417 (May 7, 2011)

*Not crazy at all!*

I understand what you're saying. In my case, I do help my parents a lot, but they're grateful for the help. Also, my parents weren't able to save much because they were raising 3 kids on low wages. They made financial mistakes, not necessarily from overspending but just through financial ignorance. This sounds like a very different situation from yours. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some gratitude and fiscal prudence from your parents.

P.S. If your parents are thinking of emigrating, why not consider a low-tax jurisdiction with low cost of living like Panama (not the U.S.)?


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

I do try hard to let go of the upsetting feelings.  My childhood was very unhappy, my mom would curse me and beat me up daily.  Unfortunately it was a common theme in the Romanian culture at that time.  I did forgive that - as hard as it was.  At times I am at peace - and then something else happens, I see my mom using me financially again, and I get angry all over.  I don't know how I can find the one button that will turn off the angriness for good!  

Don't get me wrong, I am not angry at all times and it doesn't affect my daily life, I have the happiest family on earth.  But I know something is always wrong in the relationship with my mom that I just can't put behind, and I wish I could let go and not care!

They want to immigrate to the US, of course... They would not consider another place.


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## jlf58 (May 7, 2011)

As someone who got some insensitive responses to my post, I give you credit for posting. 100% of what you feel is justified. That said, sounds like that's what your Mom is used to and you and dad have always been the supporter in the family. That doesn't make it fair mind you. To me the answer is simple, if it makes you angry to help, STOP. Only help if you want to, not out of guilt .. One thing I can tell you is life is to short, do what you know is best for you and enjoy them while you can. 

I would love to say the following to my wife !!
" I just spoke to my Mom and she drove me nuts "

I can't even do that anymore  




ada903 said:


> Now that Mother's Day is here and we are on the topic... I am very angry at my mom, and at the same time I feel guilty I can't simply be a better person and ignore the feelings..  So I am curious to know, do you think I have the right to be angry?
> 
> My parents live in Romania.  My dad works hard and is exhausted, close to retirement - after 40 years of work his pension will likely be $500 a month, despite his current higher wages, and their costs of living are triple that amount.  My mom is only 55, has not worked for 25 years, has zero income and no retirement - nothing.  I have been forking money over for years - anything from cash to bringing them on vacation to the US, to buying their vision glasses, etc.  My dad's current salary is nice, way above average in Romania, but they barely make it month to month.  My mom however pays to go to the gym, bought a new laptop, etc.
> 
> ...


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Thanks for the empathy Fletch!  I know exactly what I should feel as a good Christian, but sometimes it's not as easy to impose that on ourselves.  I have done more than my fair share already.  And it hurts to know that someone who should love you unconditionally is using you.  Not easy to accept.  And yes, I am very lucky to have my husband right next to me here, so I can find comfort in complaining! 



Fletch said:


> As someone who got some insensitive responses to my post, I give you credit for posting. 100% of what you feel is justified. That said, sounds like that's what your Mom is used to and you and dad have always been the supports in the family. That doesn't make it fair mind you. To me the answer is simple, if it makes you agree to help, STOP. Only help if you want to, not out of guilt .. One thing I can tell you is life is to short, do what you know is best for you and enjoy them while you can.
> 
> I would love to say the following to my wife !!
> " I just spoke to my Mom and she drove me nuts "
> ...


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## bobcat (May 7, 2011)

AwayWeGo said:


> My mother passed away in 1982.
> 
> Life is too short to let angry feelings fester too long.
> 
> ...



All good points. One real reason to forgive is your blood pressure goes up when you are angry. Good luck. Give a man a fish and he eats for one meal. Teach a man to fish and he eats for life.


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## bobcat (May 7, 2011)

ada903 said:


> Thanks for the empathy Fletch!  I know exactly what I should feel as a good Christian, but sometimes it's not as easy to impose that on ourselves.  I have done more than my fair share already.  And it hurts to know that someone who should love you unconditionally is using you.  Not easy to accept.  And yes, I am very lucky to have my husband right next to me here, so I can find comfort in complaining!



Ste up giudeline on the financial help you will give them if any. Then stick to your word no matter how hard it gets. You gave several good points. Without knowing your financial state, you may not be able to help much for long. Each week you purchase food the price goes up. Again, good luck.


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## jlf58 (May 7, 2011)

At this point you have done your part so it's more about YOU. Which will make you feel better, helping or not helping ?  .. do that as you can't change the past... 



ada903 said:


> Thanks for the empathy Fletch!  I know exactly what I should feel as a good Christian, but sometimes it's not as easy to impose that on ourselves.  I have done more than my fair share already.  And it hurts to know that someone who should love you unconditionally is using you.  Not easy to accept.  And yes, I am very lucky to have my husband right next to me here, so I can find comfort in complaining!


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## lvhmbh (May 7, 2011)

I feel for you!  Your Mother was not a "good and loving" Mother but yet you support her and she, obviously, thinks it is her due.  Yes you have a right to be angry and I understand that you are really there for your FATHER and to make HIS life easier with your Mother  and for this reason you have supported them.  When Father's day comes know that you have done your best for HIM.  I don't see a way out for you except to take a deep breath, acknowledge your anger (which you have done) and go forward.  When the request for more money comes in, try and say you really don't have it.  I say try because I know how hard that is.  Good luck!


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

I can help and don't mind, but I can't fully support them, and the problem is, that's what will happen.  My mom still has ten years to work, but she is not.  When my dad retires in a few years, there won't be enough income for them to live.  I have no choice - my heart won't let me not help-but and I have no clue how I will help them with $1,000 a month, support my own family with three kids, and save for our retirement too!  And it bugs me that they could still do something about it - like for my mom to work till 65 - but nope, she is not interested in doing so!



Fletch said:


> At this point you have done your part so it's more about YOU. Which will make you feel better, helping or not helping ?  .. do that as you can't change the past...


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## Patri (May 7, 2011)

If they come to the U.S. I bet they will live with you. Are you ready for that?


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## Fern Modena (May 7, 2011)

*Maybe this is it?*

I've discovered that you can love someone, but not like their actions.  I think maybe you can let yourself feel that way about your mom?  Just because you don't like her actions doesn't mean that you can't still love her.  They can be two different things.

I hope this helps you and makes you feel better.

Fern


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

No way!  We offered for them to stay with us for a few months while my mom is trying to find work.  They won't sell their condo in Romania.  If they don't find work, they go back home.  They can go back and forth for a little before losing their green cards if they keep going back.

Health care is the biggest problem.  They have none and I am on the hook for all their bills if something happens, until they become citizens or work 10 years.  Pretty scary thought.

Fred, yes, you are right, you can love someone and still disagree with their actions.  That's how I feel - I love my mom - and nevertheless I don't like her personality and life choices! 

I guess I need to figure where and how to set the limits, financially and emotionally!



Patri said:


> If they come to the U.S. I bet they will live with you. Are you ready for that?


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## bccash63 (May 7, 2011)

ada903 said:


> I do try hard to let go of the upsetting feelings.  My childhood was very unhappy, my mom would curse me and beat me up daily.  Unfortunately it was a common theme in the Romanian culture at that time.  I did forgive that - as hard as it was.  At times I am at peace - and then something else happens, I see my mom using me financially again, and I get angry all over.  I don't know how I can find the one button that will turn off the angriness for good!
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I am not angry at all times and it doesn't affect my daily life, I have the happiest family on earth.  But I know something is always wrong in the relationship with my mom that I just can't put behind, and I wish I could let go and not care!
> 
> ...



Whether it was the culture in Romania at the time or not--suffering abuse as a young child by ones mother will take more than time to forgive.  Have you ever considered professional counseling to help bring you peace and forgiveness from the unhappy childhood you suffered. It sounds like you have gone on to live a happy and productive life-- but in regards to the mixed feelings you have towards your mother I think a professional could help you work through it.  Hope this helps--Dawn


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Thanks for the thought - for some reason I have always been skeptical of professional counseling.  I have a wonderful family who listens, and it keeps me sane.  Again, it's not something that bothers me daily or interferes with the quality of my life.  But once in a while my mom does (or doesn't do) something else that triggers it all!



bccash63 said:


> Whether it was the culture in Romania at the time or not--suffering abuse as a young child by ones mother will take more than time to forgive.  Have you ever considered professional counseling to help bring you peace and forgiveness from the unhappy childhood you suffered. It sounds like you have gone on to live a happy and productive life-- but in regards to the mixed feelings you have towards your mother I think a professional could help you work through it.  Hope this helps--Dawn


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## Rose Pink (May 7, 2011)

Hugs.  Anger can be a very difficult emotion to handle.  Been there.  I find it helps to try to withhold judgment.  That's not easy, either.  None of us really knows the extent of someone else's mental and emotional abilities.  Your mom may be physically capable of work but not be able to get her brain in gear.  It may simply be too frightening or intimidating for her to risk failure or rejection.  Those things are usually not easy to detect in another person if they aren't willing to share their true feelings.

You'll feel more at peace with yourself if you can suspend judgement of your mother.  You can make a budget and say "this is how much I can help."  Then each time they ask for more, just repeat the same phrase.  Just keep calmly repeating it and eventually they'll get it.  Consistency and calm are the key.

Good luck.


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

I like that, very wisely said.  Hugs back!



Rose Pink said:


> Hugs.  Anger can be a very difficult emotion to handle.  Been there.  I find it helps to try to withhold judgment.  That's not easy, either.  None of us really knows the extent of someone else's mental and emotional abilities.  Your mom may be physically capable of work but not be able to get her brain in gear.  It may simply be too frightening or intimidating for her to risk failure or rejection.  Those things are usually not easy to detect in another person if they aren't willing to share their true feelings.
> 
> You'll feel more at peace with yourself if you can suspend judgement of your mother.  You can make a budget and say "this is how much I can help."  Then each time they ask for more, just repeat the same phrase.  Just keep calmly repeating it and eventually they'll get it.  Consistency and calm are the key.
> 
> Good luck.


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## Mel (May 7, 2011)

ada903 said:


> I can help and don't mind, but I can't fully support them, and the problem is, that's what will happen.  My mom still has ten years to work, but she is not.  When my dad retires in a few years, there won't be enough income for them to live.  I have no choice - my heart won't let me not help-but and I have no clue how I will help them with $1,000 a month, support my own family with three kids, and save for our retirement too!  And it bugs me that they could still do something about it - like for my mom to work till 65 - but nope, she is not interested in doing so!


Perhaps part of the reason she is not interested in doing so is that she is certain you will step in to support them.  They only way to bring about change is to make it clear that you will not in fact step in with full support.


ada903 said:


> No way!  We offered for them to stay with us for a few months while my mom is trying to find work.  They won't sell their condo in Romania.  If they don't find work, they go back home.  They can go back and forth for a little before losing their green cards if they keep going back.
> 
> Health care is the biggest problem.  They have none and I am on the hook for all their bills if something happens, until they become citizens or work 10 years.  Pretty scary thought.
> 
> ...


Yes, learn to set limits, and do so now, before they ever set foot in the US.  Personally, I wouldn't even allow them to stay with you while she looks for work.  You say they will return to Romania, but are you certain that will happen?  Once they are comfortably settled in with you, it will be too easy to simply stay - are you prepared to put your foot down and tell her she is no longer welcome?

Given the current job market, will it be realistic for her to look for a job here?  Will she be willing to accept the kind of job that will be available, or will there be excuses about why she should keep looking for something better?    As heartless as it sounds, you need to stop being the safety net.


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## VivianLynne (May 7, 2011)

I rarely talk about abuse by my mother (and my father also). But as an adult, I HAD to separate from her due to years of physical and mental acts she would do to me or allow done to me. She never thought she didn't love me or that she treated me different than her 4 living other kids. *HA!* 

1). The others didn't look like her in-laws.
2). I was the first born granddaughter - hence, my grandmother had special favors for me verse her daughter-in-law. 
3). The more she dumped on me, the more the in-laws defended me.
4). She outlived the in-laws.

My older sibling (a brother), told me after the last of our parents' funerals, he was always glad it was not him being the object of our parents' dislike/hate - he would flee away from me, so he did not become their target. The younger siblings were also not picked on; their perception was I didn't do what I was told. I moved 1,000 miles away at 18.

Yes, I got professional counseling in my mid-thirties. I learned that somethings just NEVER change, to stop putting myself out for the hurt that was sure to follow, and which relationships to try to save. My sister who was my father's favorite, took him in to live with her in his decline. She got a total taste of him for less than 6 months just verbally picking on her youngest daughter - she had her kid living in her bedroom for months. He moved in with another daughter for 6 weeks before going to assisted living. That sister was & still is a very hard relationship - she talks to me once a month on the phone, visits once every 3 years, and sends me cards twice a year. I know I am on her "do this each month" list. She goes on vacations with our other 2 sisters every year. 

The best words (process of dealing with bad parents), YOU decide what you will do for them. Then say this is "X" that I will do or support you. Everything else is *"NO"* - just the one word. No explaining or modification or add-ons. *"NO".  *So if you decide you really can only GIVE them $500 a month, starting next month, say exactly that. "I can only give you $500 a month from NOW on". When they ask for more because of _whatever_, say only *"NO*". Trust me, they will eventually hangup. The first times you start to do this, it will be maybe 20 or 30 times you have to say "no".  Nothing else comes out of your mouth, but that one word on any subject or arguement or reasoning or issue. Do NOT ENGAGE in a debate. You must decided that is all you can support them - that is it. 

After training them, I had it down to 1 or 2 "NO"s before they would tell me I was an ungreatful kid and hangup. I didn't say I could ever change them - the shrink help me learn how to limit the abuse to what I could live with.


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## Kay H (May 7, 2011)

Ada,
I think your mother is used to being supported and is taking advantage of you.  Maybe she thinks you are rich because you live in the US.  Maybe you should make it clear to her that you can only supplement a certain amount without your family suffering.  I think it will get worse if they move here.

Since your mother has not worked, I can understand her not wanting to now, but we all do things we don't want to do and to expect someone else to support her is unfair.  I feel your pain.  Good luck with figuring out what to do.


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## Tia (May 7, 2011)

It's helpful to share experiences like this including that it took lots of time and money to learn how to deal with relationships. Boundaries are a good thing. 



VivianLynne said:


> ....
> The best words (process of dealing with bad parents), YOU decide what you will do for them. Then say this is "X" that I will do or support you. Everything else is *"NO"* - just the one word. No explaining or modification or add-ons. *"NO".  *So if you decide you really can only GIVE them $500 a month, starting next month, say exactly that. "I can only give you $500 a month from NOW on". When they ask for more because of _whatever_, say only *"NO*". Trust me, they will eventually hangup. The first times you start to do this, it will be maybe 20 or 30 times you have to say "no".  Nothing else comes out of your mouth, but that one word on any subject or arguement or reasoning or issue. Do NOT ENGAGE in a debate. You must decided that is all you can support them - that is it.
> 
> After training them, I had it down to 1 or 2 "NO"s before they would tell me I was an ungreatful kid and hangup. I didn't say I could ever change them - the shrink help me learn how to limit the abuse to what I could live with.


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Thanks all for opening up and sharing.  I always ask my husband, what would happen if I stopped helping out?  Would my mom love me the same? We are really tight ourselves - if I could help I would, despite the fact that I know I am being used, but it is getting harder for us to provide help when we can barely meet our obligations to our kids and ourselves.   I need to take that step and start saying no and setting boundaries.


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## JanT (May 7, 2011)

Adriana,

I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read your comments.  I'm not quite sure what I want to say to you about this as of yet.  But, I want you to know that I think you are a precious and loving person, someone who made her own future with help from virtually no one but herself, and someone who must have a heart the size of 1000 hearts.  God bless you and may He bring you peace and comfort - each and every time something happens to set those feelings off again.  I will email you later!  Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!!!

Jan


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## ace2000 (May 7, 2011)

Fletch said:


> One thing I can tell you is life is to short, do what you know is best for you and enjoy them while you can.
> 
> I would love to say the following to my wife !!
> " I just spoke to my Mom and she drove me nuts "
> ...


 
Fletch, love this comment!  Thanks for sharing those thoughts.


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Jan, that's so sweet!  No need to cry for me, I am actually the happiest creature alive, I just get a big angry and frustrated at times because of the situation, as I am trying to work through those feelings   You guys all said just the things I needed to hear! 



JanT said:


> Adriana,
> 
> I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read your comments.  I'm not quite sure what I want to say to you about this as of yet.  But, I want you to know that I think you are a precious and loving person, someone who made her own future with help from virtually no one but herself, and someone who must have a heart the size of 1000 hearts.  God bless you and may He bring you peace and comfort - each and every time something happens to set those feelings off again.  I will email you later!  Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!!!
> 
> Jan


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## glypnirsgirl (May 7, 2011)

ada903 said:


> Thanks all for opening up and sharing.  I always ask my husband, what would happen if I stopped helping out?  Would my mom love me the same? We are really tight ourselves - if I could help I would, despite the fact that I know I am being used, but it is getting harder for us to provide help when we can barely meet our obligations to our kids and ourselves.   I need to take that step and start saying no and setting boundaries.



I do not mind going out on a limb and suggesting that you should not help at all. Why in the world would you help someone who REFUSES to help themselves? Why should you work to support someone that could support themselves?

I think you should keep your money. She keeps her time for herself and doesn't share it with you. 

Just reading this thread I got so angry on your behalf. As a bankruptcy attorney I frequently see people that have supported other until they end up in my office. And the cause was simply not saying, "NO." 

And your dad puts up with it. It is his choice. He married the woman. He has stayed married to her. She overspends. That their problem. It really is not yours. 

If I were you, I would simply say, "I am not going to help you at all financially. My responsiblity is to my husband and my children. Every dollar I spend on you is a dollar that I do not have for them. I am not responsible for you and I am not going to be placed in the position of being responsible for you. It is up to you to have a plan for your future. I cannot plan your future for you because I cannot control your present."

And I do not think this is mean. It is reality.

elaine


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## vacationhopeful (May 7, 2011)

glypnirsgirl said:


> ...If I were you, I would simply say, "I am not going to help you at all financially. My responsiblity is to my husband and my children. Every dollar I spend on you is a dollar that I do not have for them. I am not responsible for you and I am not going to be placed in the position of being responsible for you. It is up to you to have a plan for your future. I cannot plan your future for you because I cannot control your present."
> ...elaine



Very true.

*Does she think you are rich? *Yes, who else keeps spending this type of money on her? $1K+/month, $5K/USA Visas, 10year liablility on medical expenses IF they move here. Why should she get a job if you keep sending her big $$$? Are you the real reason she does not have to work? Does your Dad know how much money you send over? Information gatekeepers are great munipulators in a family - it is a position of power.


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## eal (May 7, 2011)

"Thanks for the thought - for some reason I have always been skeptical of professional counseling. I have a wonderful family who listens, and it keeps me sane. Again, it's not something that bothers me daily or interferes with the quality of my life. But once in a while my mom does (or doesn't do) something else that triggers it all!"

I am a psychologist who used to work at a walk-in counselling centre, where we would see people struggling with dilemmas like yours (among a host of other situations) for a single session.  A counsellor can provide good consultation that is different from family or friends. A session with a professional trained in family counselling might help you sort out your mixed feelings and then make a decision that is in your best interests overall.


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Awesome comments!  You guys hit the nail on the head. I am impressed with the number of answers and the great advice, as I said both financially and emotionally. 

Very smart comments about my dad putting up with it - he complains he works hard and they have no savings, but lets my mom stay home and manage all the money.  She gives him money for gas only!

Linda - yes, she does keep my dad misinformed about money and spending.  But my dad also keeps his head down and takes it.

I grew up in a culture where counseling is associated with insanity only, and there is a stigma associated with it.  I don't think that at all, but part of me is not used to think of it as part of the solution!  We get free counseling from my work so I will consider it. My husband may appreciate it, he will have to listen less


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## MommaBear (May 7, 2011)

Thank you Ada and all who have had the courage to share their sorrows and difficulties with their families. We get to choose our friends, but not our families. My parents were both very difficult to be around and to communicate with. There were often times I would go months without communicating because communicating was too hurtful. I have an amazing husband and "family of the heart" who have helped me process all these things. 

The best advice I can give is to give of yourself what YOU want to and what you can. People make all sorts of choices- I have nothing but awe for my best friend who was abused by her father as a child while her mother turned a blind eye, yet my friend moved next to her parents for the last 10 years of their lives to take care of them. She described it as a way to heal her heart. I know I could never have done that. I did in-home hospice for my Dad because it was how I could be at peace with myself. 

The hardest lesson I have learned echos what another poster wrote. Holding the hurt and anger only hurts you and not the othr person. Forgiveness invovles forgiving the other person, even though they do not ask for it or think they need it. 

It is really okay to set limits-it does not make you less of a giving caring person to say you have done what you can.

Celebrate Mother's Day by honoring those who have mothered you, have nutured others and be kind to yourself!


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## jlf58 (May 7, 2011)

NP, I was VERY close to my Mom since my Dad died a long time ago. We were able to tell each other how we felt and in the long run my Mom was my biggest supporter and I miss that. At the end she told a friend she wanted me to come visit one more time before she went and I did that but it was bitter sweet knowing it was the last time. 




ace2000 said:


> Fletch, love this comment!  Thanks for sharing those thoughts.


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## ampaholic (May 7, 2011)

ada903 said:


> Now that Mother's Day is here and we are on the topic... I am very angry at my mom, and at the same time I feel guilty I can't simply be a better person and ignore the feelings..  So I am curious to know, do you think I have the right to be angry?
> 
> My parents live in Romania.  My dad works hard and is exhausted, close to retirement - after 40 years of work his pension will likely be $500 a month, despite his current higher wages, and their costs of living are triple that amount.  My mom is only 55, has not worked for 25 years, has zero income and no retirement - nothing.  I have been forking money over for years - anything from cash to bringing them on vacation to the US, to buying their vision glasses, etc.  My dad's current salary is nice, way above average in Romania, but they barely make it month to month.  My mom however pays to go to the gym, bought a new laptop, etc.
> 
> ...



I have just now read this and some of the responses saying you should "turn the other cheek" and you are lucky your mom is still alive.

Bullsh:ignore: it! My DW was abused in her youth and her family torn asunder by a selfish, greedy "player" of a mom and she got no rest from the manipulation, gult trips, and greed until the woman finally succumbed to dementia. Then she had a few somewhat pleasant years and her mom died leaving my DW ambivalent towards her.

The fact that someone is your mom is a separate fact from what kind of person they are - and what happens when you enable them.

Enabling means giving them a short cut that stifles their growth. Mom's are still capable of growth  

I have a daughter with Down Syndrome and if I enabled her she would be glad to eat only cookies - am I a bad person for ensuring she eats some protein and vegetables before she gets the cookies?

I also take her to school and the dentist and the doctor and any other help she needs even though she would rather just color or watch DVD's.  

Am I bad - should I feel bad? My trick with that is to consider "what is best for her development" - end of story.

For your mom just consider what would be best for her development - end of story. Sometimes grown children have to do that for their parents. 

I had to do that when my mom was sick before she passed.

All the best


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Definitely a wide spectrum of opinions, but I have to say I am learning something great from all the comments, whether they are on one end of the spectrum or the other!  I agree I need to let go of the anger and not let it hunt me; that I should continue to help when possible but set strict limits and make it clear where those limits are; and that at the end of the day I need to be at peace with myself and know I did the right thing, without doing the irrational thing.

Great contributions and insights, thank you again!


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## VivianLynne (May 7, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> Information gatekeepers are great munipulators in a family - it is a position of power.



My mother died before cell phone minutes made long distance calling painless. Call Mom; she would funnel the important info to the others. You can not believe the name calling I got when I asked when my youngest sister was coming home to shop for bridesmaid's dresses. My mom informed me my _"sis would NEVER, EVER picked as me as one of her bride's maids; NEVER. I would be her last choice!" _

I ask the shrink. His questions involved how did she ask me; could I have misunderstand?; could she have changed her mind? He had me call her directly, express how happy I was to have been asked => thus, if she needed to dis-ask me, she had to do it directly. She was thrilled that I really wanted to do it, dispite an age difference. And I ask her, when were we going dress shopping?

And I was always the last to know who had been home to visit over the weekend. Every Tuesday after the visits, my mom would call me up and cry as to how much she missed so & so. I never knew about the 8 Easters at their Florida house with my CA nieces - no sharing allowed, but Easter with my 3 sisters & 2 nieces where they were; told what as to why I didn't come?

Oh, and never invited to CA home of my sister for Christmas with my parents. And 8 or more Christmas. I think the term I used when talking about holidays to strangers - Oh, I am an orphan.


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Elaine, my husband read the thread and he asked me to post a special reply that your words resonated perfectly with him 

He has actually been very supportive of me helping my parents all the time despite the fact that he thinks they should help themselves more!



glypnirsgirl said:


> I do not mind going out on a limb and suggesting that you should not help at all. Why in the world would you help someone who REFUSES to help themselves? Why should you work to support someone that could support themselves?
> 
> I think you should keep your money. She keeps her time for herself and doesn't share it with you.
> 
> ...


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## chellej (May 7, 2011)

Something you also need to think about is if you are going to sponser them through INS.  Currently we are getting my DIL her papers and since my son does not meet the income requirements we had to sign paperwortk gauranteeing that we will support her.

THis is something that you will be questioned on at your INS interview and may also be something your mother will try to use against you.


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

They already passed their interviews and obtained their immigration visas.  I did sign an affidavit that I would support them so they don't become a burden on the state, of course, otherwise they would not obtain their visas.  This allows them to come here and look for work.  However, we can only be of limited help, we cannot offer to support them 100%.  I don't expect my mother would try to use that against me to force me to support her, her strategy is on a different level - emotional manipulative. 



chellej said:


> Something you also need to think about is if you are going to sponser them through INS.  Currently we are getting my DIL her papers and since my son does not meet the income requirements we had to sign paperwortk gauranteeing that we will support her.
> 
> THis is something that you will be questioned on at your INS interview and may also be something your mother will try to use against you.


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## teepeeca (May 7, 2011)

I like the word "NO" !!!  You now have a family (husband and children) and your FIRST obligation is to them, NOT your parents. Right now, you say that you "can" help them out, financially, BUT, you are starting to have a hard time meeting your own obligations.

Tell your parents, that you "can", and will hellp them "at times", but not regularly, and not with a fixed amount of support.  Tell your mother that she MUST get a job and start helping out financially, HER family, and NOT to expect help from you.

You have to stop being an "enabler", and make it clear to your mother that SHE has to be  part of her, and her husban's solution.  You have been taken advantage of, by your mother, and it is time that stops. It will be hard, at first, and the "guilt-trips" will be thrown at you on a regular basis, but you have to learn to ignore that part.  DO NOT feel guilty (which is what your mother will want).  As said before, YOU now have a family, and your first support MUST to to them, not your parents.

Again, the word "NO" must be part of your vocabulary.

Tony


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## jlf58 (May 7, 2011)

People can be selfish at any age. The more I read, the more I think they are lucky to get ANYTHING more from you and don't feel guilty if you stop so you can support your own family. 





teepeeca said:


> I like the word "NO" !!!  You now have a family (husband and children) and your FIRST obligation is to them, NOT your parents. Right now, you say that you "can" help them out, financially, BUT, you are starting to have a hard time meeting your own obligations.
> 
> Tell your parents, that you "can", and will hellp them "at times", but not regularly, and not with a fixed amount of support.  Tell your mother that she MUST get a job and start helping out financially, HER family, and NOT to expect help from you.
> 
> ...


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## ada903 (May 7, 2011)

Someone pm-ed me and recommended a fabulous book about setting boundaries, I am going to order it


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## ampaholic (May 7, 2011)

ada903 said:


> Someone pm-ed me and recommended a fabulous book about setting boundaries, I am going to order it



Information is power


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## LisaH (May 7, 2011)

Do you have other siblings? Are they willing to chip in? Have you had a detailed discussion with your parents about the financial responsibility once they arrive? I hope you have not bought the airline tickets for them (yet) before all these have been sorted out.
Ada, I met you once and I was on the receiving end of your generosity. No doubt you are a very good person and you should be aware that your good nature is not being taken advantage of. I like what Fletch said: "*Only help if you want to, not out of guilt*".


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## myip (May 7, 2011)

Your mom is 55 and haven't work for a long time.   Even if she want to get a job,  what kind of job do you think she can get in US that she will be able to support herself and Dad?  Let's be realistic about it her getting a job that have benefits and  healthcare.  There are so many unemployed in US now that make her chances of getting a job is very low.  You and your family have to figure out how to support them.


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## MuranoJo (May 7, 2011)

I agree with the previous poster.  What kind of job can a 55-yr-old immigrant with limited (no?) work experience expect to get when there are so many with degrees and solid work experience still unemployed?

The scariest thing to me would be their lack of health insurance at their age.  This could essentially put you and your family on the street if something major would happen.  What kind of health insurance (if any) would they have if they stayed put?

What a challenge you have with this, but I have to agree, I would take a firm stand and put you and your family first.  I'm not sure it's a good idea to even bring them over here.


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

Very good points (Hi Lisa, good to hear from you!).  I did explain it over and over to my mom that finding a job at age 55 will be close to impossible in this economy.  She actually found a Romanian couple who needs someone for six months to live-in and take care of the kids and house, and they will pay her airfare, so that will be a temporary solution.  I will still have to purchase my dad's plane ticket to come see me in the fall and enter the US with his immigration visa, otherwise the immigration visa expires.  He will go back to Romania after a month of visiting, until they figure out what's next.  My mom has such a difficult personality, my dad and I think she won't last on this six-month job.  Last December I found her a job at a nursing home (adult live-in) - it was paying enough to ensure their living income.  I paid for her ticket to come and try out the job - she lasted for exactly three days on the job, it was too hard for her.  

I am fully aware it is close to impossible for them to find stable jobs and revenue here with their age and status. They won't be selling their condo back home or making definitive plans until they have stable income here.  At the same time, I wanted them to find out on their own this is the case, because otherwise they would have said I never gave them the chance.  My mom was adamant they can make it, and always accused me I don't want to bring them here.  Now I have to be firm and let them make it on their own, or go back home.

I can't tell all of you how much it means to me to hear everyone's comments and input on the situation.  Although I rationally know that I am correct, my mom can be very manipulative emotionally and make me feel guilty and always question if I am helping enough.  If I ask her how could she get to age 55 with no job and no retirement income, she starts yelling that I am trying to humiliate her and make her feel like a failure, by reminding her all the time.   She always has excuses why she doesn't get a job - your dad did not want me to work, the jobs in Romania don't pay enough, it's too late, etc.  

Thank you again for listening and confirming that I am not crazy, my husband is not crazy, and we are not selfish either to not take on the full responsibility of caring for them - especially here in the US, where health care is so expensive!


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## Rose Pink (May 8, 2011)

ada903 said:


> ... I agree I need to let go of the anger and not let it hunt me; that I should continue to help when possible but set strict limits and make it clear where those limits are; and that at the end of the day I need to be at peace with myself and know I did the right thing, without doing the irrational thing.


"The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner was a very valuable book for me and I think could be for you, too.  The author compares relationships to dancing.  You cannot change another person.  You can only change yourself.  And when you successfully change yourself you force the other person into adapting.  IOW, if you change the steps of the dance, the person dancing with you must adapt.  At first they will try to get you to change back to the familiar pattern.  The author gives counsel on holding your own place.

This book was very helpful to me in dealing with my anger.  I hope you can find some help as well.  Anger is a painful state to live in.  It robs you of peace.  It robs you of health.  It robs you of happiness.


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## John Cummings (May 8, 2011)

ada903 said:


> No way!  We offered for them to stay with us for a few months while my mom is trying to find work.  They won't sell their condo in Romania.  If they don't find work, they go back home.  They can go back and forth for a little before losing their green cards if they keep going back.
> 
> Health care is the biggest problem.  They have none and I am on the hook for all their bills if something happens, until they become citizens or work 10 years.  Pretty scary thought.
> 
> ...



I definitely feel you have every right to be angry. Your mother is using you.

I would NOT let them move to the US period. The Health Care issue is a lot more than just scary. You said that you are responsible for their bills so I assume that you are their sponsor to get get the US Resident Visas. I don't care how much money you have, without them having Health Care, you could be completely wiped out financially.

I know this is very difficult for you but you will have to be tough. I really feel for your situation.


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

Added the book to my list!  I've been meaning to spend more time reading and reflecting anyway, so this is a great opportunity.  

And yes, John, you are right - I probably should have not even started their paperwork, should have said it's not feasible from the beginning, and stuck to my position.  I only did it with the hope they would find out on their own and finally believe me why it's impossible to do, from a rational and financial perspective!


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## sui (May 8, 2011)

I didn't read all the posts, but since I have read many similar threads in the past, of course, from a different forum, I guess I could understand your feeling. 

You are probably not angry about the fact that you are supporting them financially, but that you didn't feel your mother cared for you in your childhood, and then suddenly, when you make more money, you became someone that she could use. 

Your angry comes from two parts, one is, she came to you for your money, had you made no money, she would treat you the same way she did since your childhood. The other one is, she takes everything for granted, she believes that she deserves your money, you owe everything to her, and she doesn't even bother to ask herself whether she was a good mother.

I think you should have a serious conversation with your mother, let her know your true feeling, and let her know what is your fair share of financial support, you need a bottom line, not just do whatever she asks for. Come up with a number and tell them you will give them $$$ per month regardless of where they live, that's it, then let them decide whether they want to live in the US or not.


Well, now that I've read the last few posts, it seems I was wrong, so it's not love or feeling but money issue? In that case, I think you will not be responsible for healthcare costs as a sponsor, but you will be responsible if your parents get cash benefits from the government, I might be wrong, I didn't do the research myself, but I have read it somewhere else, maybe you should check with the authority.


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## Patri (May 8, 2011)

Why do you even want them to live in the U.S.? Will you have great bonding time together? 
Let them do this 100% on their own. I still predict, if they move in and everything falls apart, you will not be able to get them to move out.


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

They won't be living with us permanently, no worries.  Even when they vacation here once a year, after about two weeks I start going nuts.  The deal is that they won't sell their condo and my dad won't retire unless my mom finds a permanent and stable job.  Until then they will go back and forth as needed - at their own expense!  I will be firm on my grounds. I promise.


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## LLW (May 8, 2011)

John Cummings said:


> I definitely feel you have every right to be angry. Your mother is using you.
> 
> I would NOT let them move to the US period. The Health Care issue is a lot more than just scary. You said that you are responsible for their bills so I assume that you are their sponsor to get get the US Resident Visas. I don't care how much money you have, without them having Health Care, you could be completely wiped out financially.
> 
> I know this is very difficult for you but you will have to be tough. I really feel for your situation.





ada903 said:


> And yes, John, you are right - I probably should have not even started their paperwork, should have said it's not feasible from the beginning, and stuck to my position.  I only did it with the hope they would find out on their own and finally believe me why it's impossible to do, from a rational and financial perspective!





They probably won't get Medicare since they will need (and won't have?) 40 quarters of $1,120 earnings per quarter (10 years before they reach 65 - how old is your father?). In cases where the parents don't have Medicare or other health insurance, many (most?) immigrant families won't apply for their parents to immigrate to the U.S. With a different standard of living, their living and health care expenses in Romania would be much less than in the States. The health care expenses could literally bankrupt you and your husband - more so as they get older. Then there is long term care - assisted living and nursing homes here are expensive - they are way cheaper in Romania. You wouldn't want them to have to adapt to living in a new country, then have to go back because nursing homes are expensive here. And I think Medicare doesn't pay for long term care, even if they can get Medicare. And many state governments are cutting Medicaid benefits.

I thought the affidavit of support would obligate you until they become citizens. How's their English - can they pass the citizenship exam? I did some research a while back, and did not find any year limits.

I think it would be hard even for your father to find work here in this economy. I don't know what line of work he's in, so I may be wrong.

********************************************
Anger is a separate issue that has to be worked on over time. It's real and it doesn't matter what caused it. It's just there and needs to be dealt with over time, but not instantly.

*********************************************
IMO, your love for them would serve them better if they stay in Romania, unless there is a driving reason for them to leave Romania. Adapting to changes in a new country is hard, especially for older people. It might be a bigger problem for your Dad since he has his good job now to provide self-esteem and won't have that here.

They don't know any better, and think that life here is good and easy. But some of my immigrant friends are even thinking of moving back to the countries where they came from, because economic situations are better in many developing countries than developed countries in today's world. Some already have.

*********************************************
If you have problem saying "no" to your mother from a distance, it will be much harder if she's right here, long term, and can bombard you every few minutes instead of having to wait for that phone call.

The anger would also be triggered more often, and your family doesn't need that.

*********************************************
Take care. And have a Happy Mother's Day with your family.


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

Very good points!  I did explain to them the health care situation - yes, there is no health care for them at old age unless she works for ten years until 65 and pitches into the system.  And my dad wouldn't have any, unless he gets some emergency form of state insurance after they become citizens.   They can pass the test, they have sufficient English for that, but citizenship is a long five years away - you must be a resident for five years first.




LLW said:


> They probably won't get Medicare since they will need (and won't have?) 40 quarters of $1,120 earnings per quarter (10 years before they reach 65 - how old is your father?). In cases where the parents don't have Medicare or other health insurance, many (most?) immigrant families won't apply for their parents to immigrate to the U.S. With a different standard of living, their living and health care expenses in Romania would be much less than in the States. The health care expenses could literally bankrupt you and your husband - more so as they get older. Then there is long term care - assisted living and nursing homes here are expensive - they are way cheaper in Romania. You wouldn't want them to have to adapt to living in a new country, then have to go back because nursing homes are expensive here. And I think Medicare doesn't pay for long term care, even if they can get Medicare. And many state governments are cutting Medicaid benefits.
> 
> I thought the affidavit of support would obligate you until they become citizens. How's their English - can they pass the citizenship exam? I did some research a while back, and did not find any year limits.
> 
> ...


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## glypnirsgirl (May 8, 2011)

ada903 said:


> Elaine, my husband read the thread and he asked me to post a special reply that your words resonated perfectly with him
> 
> He has actually been very supportive of me helping my parents all the time despite the fact that he thinks they should help themselves more!



Your husband is welcome (and so are you). 

I am a member of the squeeze generation. I am 56 years old (so a little older than your mom). I would rather DIE than have my children be responsible for me. 

If the jobs that she can qualify for are too hard for her physically, the reality is that she needs to get in better shape. She needs to start walking and lifting weights and doing other aerobic activity to be ready to work. If she won't do the things that she needs to do to be able to work, she does not deserve your help. To know what needs to be done and not do it is simply an abdication of her responsibility. 

I am certain that she is a master manipulator. One of the ways to deal with a master manipulator is to focus on what she CAN do and whether she is doing it. Since you are inclined to help her, you can make your help conditional on her helping herself. 

So something like this:

"Mom, it seems to me that you will be working at some type of physical labor. You need to get ready for the physical labor that you will be doing. In order for me to pay for your airfare, you need to be able to walk 2 miles and lift 50 pounds for 20 reps. You need to be able to do 50 squats and bend and touch your toes. If you can't do these things, you will not be able to do the work that will be required of you so it would be pointless to spend the money for your airfare."

It is perfectly possible for even someone 55 to get into shape. So you are not asking her to do something that she is incapable of doing, you are testing her willingness to help herself. If she isn't willing to help herself while in Romania, she won't be willing to help herself here either. 

I still think that you don't owe her anything. And I hate to see you set yourself up so that you are obligated to help her even if she won't help herself.

elaine


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## Rose Pink (May 8, 2011)

LLW said:


> ********************************************
> Anger is a separate issue that has to be worked on over time. It's real and *it doesn't matter what caused it*. It's just there and needs to be dealt with over time, but not instantly.
> 
> *********************************************


So true.  It is what it is and it doesn't matter what caused it or where it came from--you still have to deal with it one way or another.  Unless you are a far more disciplined person than I am, it cannot be dealt with instantly.  It does take time and a lot of focused work.  The sooner you can get started with small steps, the sooner you can end your pain.

And it doesn't matter whether a person has a "right" to be angry.  It doesn't matter if the circumstances leading to it justified the anger.  It is still anger and it still can kill your happiness.  Anger can become a habit just like smoking, alcohol and other drugs. It can rob you of your life.  

Sorry if that sounds like a soapbox speech but I've been there.  My heart goes out to the OP.


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## Rose Pink (May 8, 2011)

ada903 said:


> ... She [_the mom_] actually found a Romanian couple who needs someone for six months to live-in and take care of the kids and house, and they will pay her airfare, so that will be a temporary solution.  ...


 
Please check this out.  It could be a scam.  My DIL answered an ad for a fabulous job but when she did some research, found out it was a scam.  If they send your mom a check and ask her to go pay some bills for them or send them the excess funds, it is most likely (most definitely) a scam.  Your mom will be out the money she spent and will be held liable for the check she cashed--which will bounce after a few weeks.


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

She is in great shape, actually she works out (Drives me nuts they have no savings but she pays about $60 a month for a luxury gym).  Her problem is the personality - she won't hold any job because she bosses everyone around and has zero patience and tolerance.  

The six month live-in job is real, we know the couple who needs the help.  But thanks for tue heads up - there are tons of scams out there indeed!  We predict she will last no more than two months on that job.. Or any job.

Please don't focus too much on the anger - maybe I should have named it something different.  It's a mix of revolt, disappointment, anxiety and general upsetting with the situation.  I had to call it something! It doesn't hunt my daily life, it just troubles me when I deal with my parents situation!


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## LLW (May 8, 2011)

ada903 said:


> Please don't focus too much on the anger - maybe I should have named it something different.  It's a mix of revolt, disappointment, anxiety and general upsetting with the situation.  I had to call it something! It doesn't hunt my daily life, it just troubles me when I deal with my parents situation!



It really doesn't matter whether it's anger or any other emotion or mix of emotions. It exists, belongs to you, is real and will take effort, motivation, and time on your part to minimize. She comes over and is not going to change - she will behave exactly like you think she would, not like you hope she will. To make yourself feel and fare better, you will have to work on yourself to behave differently; otherwise the same cycle will repeat itself. It is easier said than done; although it's far easier to change your behavior than your feelings, it is not easy at all.

Speaking of state insurance: most if not all states are cutting benefits of their programs because of budget cuts. It is a drastic change from when you put in the immigration apllication for them, and provides a good opportunity for both you and your parents to re-evaluate the move across. And actually, the control is in your hands, although she might think that she can manipulate you into doing whatever she wants. Treating it like they will go back and forth is good, if they can afford the roundtrip tickets several times over. It will give them a chance to test it out. Although, it sounds like they have been here and preliminarily tested it out?

A parent may sometimes feel like a child. You will have to help her do what's best for her, long term, just like you would a child. I think your father is a key component in this relationship, but that's a different discussion.

We were never promised a rose garden, were we?


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

Indeed they visited here every year and loved it, but they are starting to realize that visiting on trips fully paid by myself is one thing, and making a living here is another.  They probably have a very rosy picture of life here, like anyone who vacations somewhere.  And you are right - I already made this clear - the going back and forth from now on will be at their expense (and trust me, saving money for anything, including plane tickets, is an impossible challenge for my mom).  I hope reality sets into their mind, and they come to the rational understanding of why this move is a bad idea.



LLW said:


> It really doesn't matter whether it's anger or any other emotion or mix of emotions. It exists, belongs to you, is real and will take effort, motivation, and time on your part to minimize. She comes over and is not going to change - she will behave exactly like you think she would, not like you hope she will. To make yourself feel and fare better, you will have to work on yourself to behave differently; otherwise the same cycle will repeat itself. It is easier said than done; although it's far easier to change your behavior than your feelings, it is not easy at all.
> 
> Speaking of state insurance: most if not all states are cutting benefits of their programs because of budget cuts. It is a drastic change from when you put in the immigration apllication for them, and provides a good opportunity for both you and your parents to re-evaluate the move across. And actually, the control is in your hands, although she might think that she can manipulate you into doing whatever she wants. Treating it like they will go back and forth is good, if they can afford the roundtrip tickets several times over. It will give them a chance to test it out. Although, it sounds like they have been here and preliminarily tested it out?
> 
> ...


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## vacationhopeful (May 8, 2011)

ada903 said:


> ...  I hope reality sets into their mind, and they come to the rational understanding of why this move is a bad idea.



Reality and being rational is not where your Mom appears to live. She will take this as a personal affront and insult. Remember, she is like a timeshare sales person - the more you talk, the more they can twist it as to why you can't say no.


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

Hey, it sounds like you've already met her   I do realize it is me that needs to change thinking and attitude, not her.  Great point lots of the tuggers made - I can only change myself and my actions, and set my "borders".  Getting frustrated at not being to change her - useless.



vacationhopeful said:


> Reality and being rational is not where your Mom appears to live. She will take this as a personal affront and insult. Remember, she is like a timeshare sales person - the more you talk, the more they can twist it as to why you can't say no.


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## Jaybee (May 8, 2011)

Have you ever considered just putting things on the table? I mean, asking your mother what plans they have for when your dad retires?  Has she considered finding some kind of work to help out?
Let them know (not guess) that your funds are limited, and that you won't be able to offer them much help. 
Sometimes, just saying the words can get through to someone who expects more than you can give.
Don't wait to tell them they won't be able to stay with you. I feel your pain, but having helped them so much, I think they deserve to know there's a limit to what more you can do.
What a burden this is for you, but you have to draw the line, or you'll feel obligated the rest of their lives. It's called "tough love" for a reason.  It's tough, and it usually goes in the other direction. ;-)


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## ada903 (May 8, 2011)

I have tried.  She gets emotional and defensive, and accuses me of trying to make her feel like a failure.   I think it is pure emotional manipulation.  I did make it clear I have limited ability to help them. 



Jaybee said:


> Have you ever considered just putting things on the table? I mean, asking your mother what plans they have for when your dad retires?  Has she considered finding some kind of work to help out?
> Let them know (not guess) that your funds are limited, and that you won't be able to offer them much help.
> Sometimes, just saying the words can get through to someone who expects more than you can give.
> Don't wait to tell them they won't be able to stay with you. I feel your pain, but having helped them so much, I think they deserve to know there's a limit to what more you can do.
> What a burden this is for you, but you have to draw the line, or you'll feel obligated the rest of their lives. It's called "tough love" for a reason.  It's tough, and it usually goes in the other direction. ;-)


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## JanT (May 8, 2011)

Adriana,

Just sent you an email but let me comment on your last post.  Your mom says you are trying to make her feel like a failure because SHE feels like a failure.  Low self-esteem issues on her part make her feel as if she has not succeeded much in life.  The next time she says that you are trying to make her feel like a failure tell her not to project her own feelings about herself onto you.  

I have a favorite quote that you might pass onto her:

"The greatest cause of unhappiness in the world today is trading what we want most for what we want now."  Zig Ziegler

The fact that your mom has wanted to move to the states, etc. has not taken precedence over the fact that right at the moment she wants to spend money for a gym membership and other niceties, i.e., what she wants most has been set aside for what she wants now.  She's gotta get that under control!!

Much love and many prayers to you as you work through all of this.

Jan

P.S.  To answer your question in the title of this post....no you are not crazy for being angry with her!!!  It's just not healthy for you!


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## vacationhopeful (May 8, 2011)

VivianLynne said:


> ....The best words (process of dealing with bad parents), YOU decide what you will do for them. Then say this is "X" that I will do or support you. Everything else is *"NO"* - just the one word. No explaining or modification or add-ons. *"NO".  *So if you decide you really can only GIVE them $500 a month, starting next month, say exactly that. "I can only give you $500 a month from NOW on". When they ask for more because of _whatever_, say only *"NO*". Trust me, they will eventually hangup. The first times you start to do this, it will be maybe 20 or 30 times you have to say "no".  Nothing else comes out of your mouth, but that one word on any subject or arguement or reasoning or issue. Do NOT ENGAGE in a debate. You must decided that is all you can support them - that is it.
> 
> After training them, I had it down to 1 or 2 "NO"s before they would tell me I was an ungreatful kid and hangup. I didn't say I could ever change them - the shrink help me learn how to limit the abuse to what I could live with.



Ada,
Change begins with you. What you have been doing for all these years with your parents has not been working out for you. Take control for your life and feelings. Stop allowing them to have this power to demean you and to make you feel worthless. 

You don't have a relationship, a friendship, or interaction with your mom. You are someone she is angry with or is projecting her anger at. And it could very well be her projection of her failures and folibies against your success and happiness. 

This quoted post to me is a simple, but effective way to start limiting her manipulation of you. Take control. Say no. Hang up the phone. Don't answer the skype. Don't read the email. Just say no. You can control what you allow into your head, heart and house.


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## bobcat (May 9, 2011)

vacationhopeful said:


> Ada,
> Change begins with you. What you have been doing for all these years with your parents has not been working out for you. Take control for your life and feelings. Stop allowing them to have this power to demean you and to make you feel worthless.
> 
> You don't have a relationship, a friendship, or interaction with your mom. You are someone she is angry with or is projecting her anger at. And it could very well be her projection of her failures and folibies against your success and happiness.
> ...



Your Mom has learned how to play you and she pushes your hot button. Stick to your plan. Just say no. Explain that your funds are tight. No extra money. You can tell her no funds will go to her even at home. The piggy bank broke. It may make you feel hurt, just smile and enjoy your life.


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## teepeeca (May 9, 2011)

You need to realize that you DO NOT need to explain yourself, or explain anything to your mother.  The word is "NO" --- with no further explanation.

You must learn to take control of your life, and have responsibility to your family, not to your mother.  What someone else said---"the piggy bank is broken".

Tony


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## ada903 (May 9, 2011)

I will do so - thank you all so much again for the advice!  Some of you took the time to write me amazing emails or private messages.  I needed to hear this type of confirmation from a variety of opinions, and I will be working to change!


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## theo (May 9, 2011)

*Who needs Dr. Phil anyhow?*



AwayWeGo said:


> My mother passed away in 1982.
> 
> Life is too short to let angry feelings fester too long.
> 
> ...



Always a wise and reassuring voice of reason. Alan, if you ever run for office, you have my vote...


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## Tia (May 9, 2011)

Sometimes I have seen where a person accuses someone else of doing such & such when it's exactly what they themselves are doing to that someone else. (if that makes sense) When you point your finger there are usually 3 pointed back at you. 



ada903 said:


> I have tried.  She gets emotional and defensive, and accuses me of trying to make her feel like a failure.   I think it is pure emotional manipulation.  I did make it clear I have limited ability to help them.


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## myip (May 9, 2011)

If your mom already have a job for 6 month live-in, let her come and wait and see what happen.  She may hate working and want to go back.  So many things can happen for 6 months.


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## ada903 (May 9, 2011)

That's the plan!  I will post an update on how that goes . She only starts in October.



myip said:


> If your mom already have a job for 6 month live-in, let her come and wait and see what happen.  She may hate working and want to go back.  So many things can happen for 6 months.


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## Krteczech (May 9, 2011)

Ada, it will be long 5 months till October and I wish you the best. I think your mom's job will be an eyeopener for her and she may decide to return to her comfortable life in Romania before Christmas. My upbringing was very similar to yours.  My parents live in central Europe and I paid for their trips to Minnesota for as long as they were relatively healthy. Nowdays I take one guilt trip a year and because of low $$, I am not bringing my family with me any more. My parents worked entire life and have good pensions, but their health is poor and they are getting appropriate medical care where they live. I am an only child, I wish I could help them with their daily chores, but my family is here and comes first. I hope for the best outcome; just remind yourself that to say "no" is not disrespectful and may even provoke healthy change. Best luck to you. Yana


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## ada903 (May 10, 2011)

Yana, thanks for sharing - indeed your situation is very similar, I am glad to hear your parents have decent pensions, that helps a lot!  Yes, that's my hope, that if I let them try, it will open their eyes to how difficult it is to make it here on your own, especially at such age and with no health insurance.  Hopefully they have some reason left.



YanaManolov said:


> Ada, it will be long 5 months till October and I wish you the best. I think your mom's job will be an eyeopener for her and she may decide to return to her comfortable life in Romania before Christmas. My upbringing was very similar to yours.  My parents live in central Europe and I paid for their trips to Minnesota for as long as they were relatively healthy. Nowdays I take one guilt trip a year and because of low $$, I am not bringing my family with me any more. My parents worked entire life and have good pensions, but their health is poor and they are getting appropriate medical care where they live. I am an only child, I wish I could help them with their daily chores, but my family is here and comes first. I hope for the best outcome; just remind yourself that to say "no" is not disrespectful and may even provoke healthy change. Best luck to you. Yana


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