# ...This Is What No One Tells You About Starting a New Life Abroad



## MULTIZ321 (Oct 4, 2018)

We Followed Our Dreams and Retired to Mexico. This Is What No One Tells You About Starting a New Life Abroad
By Suzanne McGee/ Retirement/ End Investor/ Money/ Time/ time.com

"In the summer of 2012, Brad Johnson and his wife joined the thousands of Americans who each year decide to spend their retirement years living overseas.

They rented out their house in Phoenix, Ariz., got a six-month tourist visa that they anticipated renewing indefinitely, packed up their two cars, and set off southward, to the first of a series of rental homes in and around Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. “It was absolutely wonderful,” says Johnson, now 70 years old.

The Johnsons had travelled in Mexico before and welcomed the chance to put down roots in a place they enjoyed, with a lower cost of living that would help them stretch their savings. They had plenty of company: as of August, some 680,000 beneficiaries received Social Security payments at foreign addresses, the best way to gauge the trend of retiring overseas...."





Brad and Yvonne Johnson in Puerto Vallarta
Courtesy of Brad Johnson


Richard


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## WinniWoman (Oct 4, 2018)

Really? She had a 90 year old mother and it never crossed her mind that she might need her help? SMH...

I don't get people. I think a lot of them get this wild idea that retirement one big travel vacation when it is so much more than that and- let's face it- at that point we are all going in the other direction- towards death.

Sure- if you are healthy- travel if that is what you like and enjoy your life. But- you have to factor in that you are ageing- not getting younger- and when you move - out of the country or even just within your own country- it is not one big vacation every single day! What the? How do people not think about this stuff is beyond me.


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## klpca (Oct 4, 2018)

I think that it's the dreamers who move abroad in retirement. Maybe if your parents have already passed away and you don't have any kids it would work, but otherwise it seems that real life will catch up with you eventually. I'm slowly coming to the realization that we can't even move away from our city because at some point I will need to be here for my mom. So we will just travel as much as we can.


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## isisdave (Oct 5, 2018)

I don't see why people think it's some kind of big deal or failing when someone goes overseas to live, and then returns home. You could do the same to Florida, or Phoenix, or ... Fresno, and no one would think it odd if you found out you preferred Des Moines, or your mother needed help.

Lots of folks feel they need to expatriate for financial reasons, and I think that's fine, but I wouldn't buy real estate in Mexico. Just sayin'. If you maintain your mobility, you can try out several destinations for a year or two at a time, and have a blast. The couple in this story is smart -- they kept their house, and its appreciation, while enjoying lower living costs.  When Mom no longer needs them, they can continue the journey.

--Dave, currently in Stratford-upon-Avon and leaving for Milan tomorrow


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## petermccarty (Oct 5, 2018)

I think it's just another way to live your life happily and sufficiently, the way you want. Travelling after retirement is not obligatory, and definitely is up to you. If a person wanted to travel the world but didn't have any chance in the young age, I don't think they forget about their aim with time. Why people of older age have to feel guilty for fulfilling their dreams? This couple is a great example of a balanced and healthy relationship and they do not deserve negativity.


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## WinniWoman (Oct 5, 2018)

petermccarty said:


> I think it's just another way to live your life happily and sufficiently, the way you want. Travelling after retirement is not obligatory, and definitely is up to you. If a person wanted to travel the world but didn't have any chance in the young age, I don't think they forget about their aim with time. Why people of older age have to feel guilty for fulfilling their dreams? This couple is a great example of a balanced and healthy relationship and they do not deserve negativity.




I get the dream. I have tons of them. Traveling and actually living somewhere else abroad are two different things. If you plan it as temporary with the intent to come back- ok. If you are absolutely sure you are leaving for good- great; or even just "hoping" it will be permanent- great. But-

Maybe it is the way the article is written, but all the considerations stated should be evaluated by people before they make a move to live abroad. In the article it makes it sound as if the movers were surprised at having to come back- with this couple the husband states they never expected to have to come back and take care of his wife's 90 year old mother. Really? Come on!


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## bogey21 (Oct 5, 2018)

My best friend in life and his girl friend moved to San Miguel, Mexico about 10 years ago.  They reached the point that having to touch back in the US every year to get Visas renewed was such a pain that they went through the process to get permanent Visas.  They like living in Mexico so much they haven't been back in years...

George


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## Passepartout (Oct 5, 2018)

Good article. It does emphasize that one needs to keep their options open all their life. You may plan, but if situations change, you have to be able to change plans. When you are a young, happy couple, you may plan that your son will be a major league pitcher and make millions, and your daughter will marry the next breakthrough brain surgeon, but when they get through high school- barely- and your own parents whom you had thought would check out early and leave you a tidy inheritance, end up in a nursing home or with Alzheimer's for decades.

The ONE common denominator that allows you to be flexible with your plans is to save all you can and start saving early. If one only has one plan, and is encumbered with debt and the necessity to come up with money to satisfy current needs, one's ability to make changes as life deals out different cards is seriously limited.

Jim


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## puppymommo (Oct 5, 2018)

What Jim wrote is definitely true:
The ONE common denominator that allows you to be flexible with your plans is to save all you can and start saving early. If one only has one plan, and is encumbered with debt and the necessity to come up with money to satisfy current needs, one's ability to make changes as life deals out different cards is seriously limited.

With retirement about 3 years out for me, I am currently planning to live abroad for several years. Partly to save money, mostly for the fun of it while I am still "young" and healthy and pre-grandchildren. I may end up living abroad for more than a few years but I have no intention of doing so permanently. I can't imagine being 90 years old and half the world away from my only child!

My parents are both deceased so that isn't a factor for me. But I agree that it is hard to believe this couple didn't anticipate needing to help care for an elderly parent!


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## Panina (Oct 5, 2018)

klpca said:


> I think that it's the dreamers who move abroad in retirement. Maybe if your parents have already passed away and you don't have any kids it would work, but otherwise it seems that real life will catch up with you eventually. I'm slowly coming to the realization that we can't even move away from our city because at some point I will need to be here for my mom. So we will just travel as much as we can.


I live in a different state then my mom and go every month, on the phone multiple times every day, handle everything.  It is challenging, can’t even imagine being out of the country.


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## Passepartout (Oct 5, 2018)

Panina said:


> I live in a different state then my mom and go every month, on the phone multiple times every day, handle everything.  It is challenging, can’t even imagine being out of the country.


What would be the difference if you were, as in the referenced article, in Mexico, or Western Europe? The phones still work, and the airplanes fly every day. I suspect the 'boundaries' between you and your mom are more mental than physical.


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## Panina (Oct 5, 2018)

Passepartout said:


> What would be the difference if you were, as in the referenced article, in Mexico, or Western Europe? The phones still work, and the airplanes fly every day. I suspect the 'boundaries' between you and your mom are more mental than physical.


Definitely not mental.  The amount of hours to get there each month would be more. That gets tiring as well as more expensive.


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## Passepartout (Oct 5, 2018)

Panina said:


> Definitely not mental.  The amount of hours to get there each month would be more. That gets tiring as well as more expensive.


It's hard having aging parents. As I managed my life while being my mom's primary caregiver, we got closer, but that doesn't mean it was easier. Lots of unplanned trips 'home'.


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## silentg (Oct 5, 2018)

We enjoy traveling. Moved to Florida 30 years ago, love living here. Our kids have grown and on their own, no grandkids, my parents passed away, mother in law is living, we visit when we can.
Usually plan one big trip a year. Timeshares make it easy to travel for us. Looking forward to retirement with DH. I’m already there. As long as we are healthy and can afford to travel we will.
Love my TUG friends too!
Silentg


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## moonstone (Oct 5, 2018)

We haven't moved away but we do spend 3 months each winter in Belize and several 10-21 day trips away aside from that. I always have some anxiety about going away but I am in nearly daily contact via the internet to other family members or VOIP calls to the folks.  My parents & MiL are all 87 years old and in declining health. My Mom had to go into a long term care facility 5 years ago due to worsening dementia but my dad is still living in their house and driving himself around with not too much problem (3 minor accidents in the last year). MiL is also still living in her house since FiL passed away nearly 4 years ago, but her DD lives 4 doors away. When both sets of parents retired they also had parents in long term care homes but said they were being well taken care of so they would still travel, and they did. My parents wintered (3-4 mos) in Florida and my grandparents didn't have a problem with them leaving for so long and told them they needed to enjoy their retirement.

As it turned out both my grandparents passed away while my parents were at home. My FiL also passed away very suddenly while we were at home so we haven't had to deal with that while we are away. My dad and MiL have made it very clear to DH & I that they do not expect either one of us to fly home if they (or my Mom) should pass while we are away. My dad said "I'll be dead anyways so I wont know if you are there or not"! MiL was rushed to the hospital last winter while we were away and made all the family swear not to tell DH & I. Our daughter lasted about 2 days and then messaged me to call her for all the details. She said she just couldn't keep a secret like that from us in case Mum had passed away. Thankfully it wasn't anything too serious and Mum was back home within a couple of weeks.

A very good, nearly life long friend of my parents, & work mate of my dad's, qualified for an early retirement (with full pension & benefits) at the same time as my dad many years ago when they were 63 yrs old. This guy never travelled much saying he & his wife would take lots of long trips after he retired. Well he finished work at the end of May, seemed to have a bad cold/cough in the June, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in July, and was dead before the end of November. He and his wife never got to take a single trip! My parents said they didn't want to end up like that and didn't expect us to either, so we should enjoy our retirement and not worry about them. And we are enjoying being out of the snow for the winter (but it's hard)!


~Diane


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## TravelTime (Oct 5, 2018)

I do not see moving back as a big deal. I rarely spend more than 2-3 weeks in one place right now and I am not yet retired. I have moved across the country and back 3 times. I have made decisions about where to live that did not work out and I changed it. I am surprised that Tuggers find this couple’s situation to be a problem. I thought Tuggers travel a lot. To me, living in Mexico would be easier and closer than living across the country. Many people move within the USA at retirement time, regret it and want to go back to where they came from too. My father built a house a couple hours from where he lived and now he wants to move back. So it is not really an “international” issue.


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## bogey21 (Oct 6, 2018)

Passepartout said:


> It's hard having aging parents. As I managed my life while being my mom's primary caregiver, we got closer, but that doesn't mean it was easier. Lots of unplanned trips 'home'.



I'm an aging parent (age 83).  To make sure I am not a burden to my kids I moved into a CCRC when I turned 65.  In addition I have told my kids that they have no responsibility to take care of me as I continue to age.  We keep in touch almost daily via email and/or phone but I haven't seen them in months.  I have also told them that if/when I am in my final stages I don't want them to visit because I want them to remember me as my vibrant self, not while I am a shadow of my old self.  One big negative with this is not having much of a relationship with my Grand Kids...

George


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## WinniWoman (Oct 6, 2018)

Panina said:


> Definitely not mental.  The amount of hours to get there each month would be more. That gets tiring as well as more expensive.




It's very hard. Heck- I was just a bit over an hour and a half from my mom and working full time and it was tough. Thank goodness my husband worked in the same county as where she lived and could also help out before and after work sometimes, but it was still very hard.


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## WinniWoman (Oct 6, 2018)

bogey21 said:


> I'm an aging parent (age 83).  To make sure I am not a burden to my kids I moved into a CCRC when I turned 65.  In addition I have told my kids that they have no responsibility to take care of me as I continue to age.  We keep in touch almost daily via email and/or phone but I haven't seen them in months.  I have also told them that if/when I am in my final stages I don't want them to visit because I want them to remember me as my vibrant self, not while I am a shadow of my old self.  One big negative with this is not having much of a relationship with my Grand Kids...
> 
> George




I think this is great except the part about your grandchildren. Very sad. Grand parents should be involved in their grand childrens' lives as they have so much to offer (both ways). We don't have grandchildren but I know I hate it that we only see our son just a couple of times per year, mostly with a big long stretch of 8 months from January to August before we see him.


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## klpca (Oct 6, 2018)

TravelTime said:


> I do not see moving back as a big deal. I rarely spend more than 2-3 weeks in one place right now and I am not yet retired. I have moved across the country and back 3 times. I have made decisions about where to live that did not work out and I changed it. I am surprised that Tuggers find this couple’s situation to be a problem. I thought Tuggers travel a lot. To me, living in Mexico would be easier and closer than living across the country. Many people move within the USA at retirement time, regret it and want to go back to where they came from too. My father built a house a couple hours from where he lived and now he wants to move back. So it is not really an “international” issue.



To me this is definitely a "different strokes" thing. I appreciate people sharing the ways that they are dealing with their elderly parents. We aren't there yet but we can see it on the horizon. Our parents are all in their early 80's and still active for the most part. My FIL is in the worst shape of the four - he's legally blind now and can't hear well (refuses to wear a hearing aid). He's very overweight and has poor mobility. He sleeps most of the day. It's very tough to see - he was an athlete in his younger years and a quiet but vibrant person. He and my MIL still live at home though, so good for them. Everyone's situation is different. We are the only family that lives close to my mother, and she lives alone. She moved here about 10 years ago and has a few acquaintances but no close friends (she doesn't make friends easily). If something were to happen we are the only ones close by. I won't leave her alone. So we will stay here.

One other thing to take into consideration is the cost of moving. Real estate commissions alone would set us back at least +$50k if we sold the house. I can take a lot of trips for $50k! Then we would have to move, lol. We've lived in the same house for over 30 years. Even though we are regular purgers, I cannot imagine the work required to move. That keeps me here as well. Travel is so much easier!


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## WinniWoman (Oct 6, 2018)

klpca said:


> To me this is definitely a "different strokes" thing. I appreciate people sharing the ways that they are dealing with their elderly parents. We aren't there yet but we can see it on the horizon. Our parents are all in their early 80's and still active for the most part. My FIL is in the worst shape of the four - he's legally blind now and can't hear well (refuses to wear a hearing aid). He's very overweight and has poor mobility. He sleeps most of the day. It's very tough to see - he was an athlete in his younger years and a quiet but vibrant person. He and my MIL still live at home though, so good for them. Everyone's situation is different. We are the only family that lives close to my mother, and she lives alone. She moved here about 10 years ago and has a few acquaintances but no close friends (she doesn't make friends easily). If something were to happen we are the only ones close by. I won't leave her alone. So we will stay here.
> 
> One other thing to take into consideration is the cost of moving. Real estate commissions alone would set us back at least +$50k if we sold the house. I can take a lot of trips for $50k! Then we would have to move, lol. We've lived in the same house for over 30 years. Even though we are regular purgers, I cannot imagine the work required to move. That keeps me here as well. Travel is so much easier!




I can so relate to what you are saying about moving expenses. Never mind the logistics and the energy required as we will be in our upper 60's. We will be facing this in a couple of years and though I really want to move to NH (or VT), and also know it will be hard to age on our property (more so than the house itself) and pay the outrageous school and property taxes here, I am not seeing how we will be able to do it. Hence my other posts on TUG about how to buy another house if you need the proceeds from the sale of your current house to buy it.

I am trying not to kill our dream, but it is hard to figure it out. After all, we are not super rich and we cannot afford to make any big mistakes once we are retired. Actually, if we were super rich we might have been able to keep our home and buy a second one and that would be that. We could take our time with selling or not sell at all.

Meanwhile, hubby is delusional and thinks it can be worked out. But then again, he is not into the finances. He is kind of like a little kid that wants what he wants- until reality hits him in the face. We will see how he feels when the time comes. I am hoping he is right somehow and I am missing something.

One thought we had is to try to sell the house on our own, saving on real estate commissions. Another Tugger suggested using PODS for storage and moving. We would try to purge of most stuff, though we are not hoarders- just hubby with his garage stuff, which most will have to go.

Someone else mentioned a bridge loan- I shake when I think of those. We have no big pension (just a small one of which we will take lump sum), so our income will be a bit tight. Our home has been paid off for years- though we still have those high property and school taxes. I cannot fathom having to put our home at risk and cutting into our limited monthly income until the whole thing worked itself out- IF it even did. Houses are not selling like hotcakes over here.

We could rent something maybe in NH once our home sells. I do see affordable rentals today as I look on line. So I am thinking that is our best option.

Sell the house, Put everything in POD storage until we can move it and rent in NH. Maybe even rent permanently. I even see some rentals in 55+ communities. ]

Hey- maybe this should be our revised plan! 

I don't know. The whole thing is overwhelming. If we didn't need to actually sell our current home first things would be easier for sure.

I actually thought about your travel point myself- just keep using our timeshares and be happy with just that. But alas- husband doesn't care about travel- except when I drag him along and then he enjoys it. He even wants to get rid of our Smuggs timeshare, but I refuse right now. Sigh.....


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## heathpack (Oct 10, 2018)

Passepartout said:


> Good article. It does emphasize that one needs to keep their options open all their life. You may plan, but if situations change, you have to be able to change plans. When you are a young, happy couple, you may plan that your son will be a major league pitcher and make millions, and your daughter will marry the next breakthrough brain surgeon, but when they get through high school- barely- and your own parents whom you had thought would check out early and leave you a tidy inheritance, end up in a nursing home or with Alzheimer's for decades.
> 
> The ONE common denominator that allows you to be flexible with your plans is to save all you can and start saving early. If one only has one plan, and is encumbered with debt and the necessity to come up with money to satisfy current needs, one's ability to make changes as life deals out different cards is seriously limited.
> 
> Jim



Or you could dream that your daughter will BE the next breakthrough brain surgeon.


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## Passepartout (Oct 10, 2018)

heathpack said:


> Or you could dream that your daughter will BE the next breakthrough brain surgeon.


That's right!


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## heathpack (Oct 10, 2018)

I have no idea what will happen with my Mom.  She is 78 years old, mentally sharp, getting around and doing fine just now.  But lots of medical problems, her health seems like a house of cards.

She lives in her home in NY.  I live in California.  My brother and father have passed away, so it’s just me.  Mom is a difficult person.  She has a sister but that relationship is shaky.  I have to set pretty rigid boundaries but when I do that, we can get along for short periods of time.  She treats my husband like a waiter but he’s easy going and doesn’t like it but deals with it fine for short periods of time.

Despite her being very difficult (manipulative, tantrum-prone, emotional) with family, she behaves much more normally with friends and she has a surprisingly solid circle of friends in NY.  She owns her home, is financially secure, and has long term care insurance which covers her in NY and reciprocal states but not California.

I try to get her to move here, because I don’t have the kind of job where I can drop everything if she’s ill and be gone for extended periods of time.  For me, being gone much more than 10 days in a row is pretty hard on the business.  She doesn’t want to move here and I get that.  She likes to go to the diner and kvetch, people in California don’t really do that.  She has friends at home and would have more trouble making friends here, because she’s not as mobile as she used to be.  Housing is as expensive here as it is there.  Her LTC insurance won’t work here.

I’ve considered trying to move to Nevada and getting her to move too.  Cheaper for both of us, her LTC insurance is effective there.  But does it really make sense for me to uproot both of us, leave a good paying job for maybe as much as a 40% paycut?  I don’t know that makes sense really.

So it feels to me like we should have more of a plan, something that will be workable as she ages and in place before there’s a crisis.  But there really is no easy answer, which results in us having no plan.  It will inevitably become a crisis of some sort within the next 5 years.  And I guess we’ll just have to deal with it then, and assess our options at that point in time.

I think it’s easy to say someone should have seen something coming.  But sometimes they do and have just made a rational decision to deal with the problem when it becomes a problem.  Because it’s hard to predict exactly how it will all play out anyway.


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## WinniWoman (Oct 11, 2018)

heathpack said:


> I have no idea what will happen with my Mom.  She is 78 years old, mentally sharp, getting around and doing fine just now.  But lots of medical problems, her health seems like a house of cards.
> 
> She lives in her home in NY.  I live in California.  My brother and father have passed away, so it’s just me.  Mom is a difficult person.  She has a sister but that relationship is shaky.  I have to set pretty rigid boundaries but when I do that, we can get along for short periods of time.  She treats my husband like a waiter but he’s easy going and doesn’t like it but deals with it fine for short periods of time.
> 
> ...




Sometimes there are no answers. I think your mom is in a good situation actually- better than a lot of people. She is financially secure and she has Long Term Insurance. She has friends, so she is not lonely.

If she were to move it would be hard for her to make friends. As you age, it is difficult. Even at my age- in my 60's- it is hard. Mine- my long time ones- all live far from me. People have their own lives- when they are older they are settled in with their own families and grandchildren and so on. You don't have that past history with them as you do with your long time friends. Then your old friends start to die off. Need a lot of courage to get old!

Anyway- yes- it is hard that you are so far away. But I would not uproot your life for your mom. Giving up your job and moving to another state just for her sake is not a good plan for you long term.

It will be hard for you when the time comes that she needs care- but you will deal with it.  It will be stressful, but remember, there is a Family Leave Act in place. Your employer will have to be flexible and if not- well- you know where to tell them to go....


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## Sugarcubesea (Oct 11, 2018)

I'm planning on moving to FL when I retire, partly to save money, because if I stay in MI, my pension and SS are taxed and our property tax's are high.  I can not stand winter, it gets me depressed. As I age, it gets harder to navigate the snow and to shovel or snow blow it.  I have family in FL and other family that will be retiring down to FL.  I have 3 kids and one grandson, they are currently in MI, but they are all still very young.  

However I have 8 years till 65 when I can retire to take medicare coverage, so things might change from then to now...One thing I know for sure is that I will move to a location that is warm as the winter's in MI have been brutal for me...


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## Sugarcubesea (Oct 11, 2018)

moonstone said:


> We haven't moved away but we do spend 3 months each winter in Belize and several 10-21 day trips away aside from that. I always have some anxiety about going away but I am in nearly daily contact via the internet to other family members or VOIP calls to the folks.  My parents & MiL are all 87 years old and in declining health. My Mom had to go into a long term care facility 5 years ago due to worsening dementia but my dad is still living in their house and driving himself around with not too much problem (3 minor accidents in the last year). MiL is also still living in her house since FiL passed away nearly 4 years ago, but her DD lives 4 doors away. When both sets of parents retired they also had parents in long term care homes but said they were being well taken care of so they would still travel, and they did. My parents wintered (3-4 mos) in Florida and my grandparents didn't have a problem with them leaving for so long and told them they needed to enjoy their retirement.
> 
> As it turned out both my grandparents passed away while my parents were at home. My FiL also passed away very suddenly while we were at home so we haven't had to deal with that while we are away. My dad and MiL have made it very clear to DH & I that they do not expect either one of us to fly home if they (or my Mom) should pass while we are away. My dad said "I'll be dead anyways so I wont know if you are there or not"! MiL was rushed to the hospital last winter while we were away and made all the family swear not to tell DH & I. Our daughter lasted about 2 days and then messaged me to call her for all the details. She said she just couldn't keep a secret like that from us in case Mum had passed away. Thankfully it wasn't anything too serious and Mum was back home within a couple of weeks.
> 
> ...



That same thing happened to my grandfather, he waited to travel till he retired, he retired on a Friday and was dead the following Monday.  Never got one pension or SS check...


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## vacationhopeful (Oct 11, 2018)

My WI grandfather worked on an assembly line building "Nash" cars. Dropped dead 3 months after retiring at age 65 on his garage floor ... his wife lived another 30+ years.

My materal grandmother did marry his California brother-in-law (a widower) a year or so later ... having to give up her deceased husband's Nash automoblile company penison. His brother established a 'trust' - funded to match the 'lost pension'. He died 3 years later ... that grandmother lived a decent life in her own apartment back in WI and travelled yearly to visit us in NJ during the 6 weeks of really COLD winter weather Or as my mother said .. it gave her WI sister a winter break from Mom. But was torture for my Dad.

My mother put up with my Dad's mother almost daily ... living just 1/2 mile away. And growing up, she suppied most of our (raw) milk and eggs from their farm.


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## Panina (Oct 11, 2018)

heathpack said:


> I have no idea what will happen with my Mom.  She is 78 years old, mentally sharp, getting around and doing fine just now.  But lots of medical problems, her health seems like a house of cards.
> 
> She lives in her home in NY.  I live in California.  My brother and father have passed away, so it’s just me.  Mom is a difficult person.  She has a sister but that relationship is shaky.  I have to set pretty rigid boundaries but when I do that, we can get along for short periods of time.  She treats my husband like a waiter but he’s easy going and doesn’t like it but deals with it fine for short periods of time.
> 
> ...


I so understand  how difficult it is for you. Your mom is better off then mine.  My mom has no long term care policy and really no close friends but refuses to move.  Offered all, move in with me, try moving into senior community, move to assisted living, get help ( likes no one).  Ultimately wants me to move back because it is what I am suppose to do. She did not take care of her mom, her sister in law did, who was supposedly no good.   My sis lives within 45 minutes of her, does nothing.  I take care of everything and travel every few weeks to visit.  Gets tiring and never good enough.  I always get one day you will feel guilty. 

I decided will deal with everything as it happens. I meet all her needs and not all her wants.  I can only do my best as you can. I learned from my dads illness, he passed last year,  that it is impossible to do 100% and keep yourself healthy physically and mentally.  

My parents lived their lives the way they wanted.  We need to do that too.  As she ages I do  help the best I can and have compassion but realize uprooting my life  to make her happy  will last all of five minutes. All my offers  for mom that she refuses gives me the peace I will need.


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## sts1732 (Oct 11, 2018)

Panina said:


> I so understand  how difficult it is for you. Your mom is better off then mine.  My mom has no long term care policy and really no close friends but refuses to move.  Offered all, move in with me, try moving into senior community, move to assisted living, get help ( likes no one).  Ultimately wants me to move back because it is what I am suppose to do. She did not take care of her mom, her sister in law did, who was supposedly no good.   My sis lives within 45 minutes of her, does nothing.  I take care of everything and travel every few weeks to visit.  Gets tiring and never good enough.  I always get one day you will feel guilty.
> 
> I decided will deal with everything as it happens. I meet all her needs and not all her wants.  I can only do my best as you can. I learned from my dads illness, he passed last year,  that it is impossible to do 100% and keep yourself healthy physically and mentally.
> 
> My parents lived their lives the way they wanted.  We need to do that too.  As she ages I do  help the best I can and have compassion but realize uprooting my life  to make her happy  will last all of five minutes. All my offers  for mom that she refuses gives me the peace I will need.


I also was in the same circumstances as you several yrs. back. My mother out lived my father by more than 20 yrs. She was 92 when she pasted. IN the last 2 1/2 yrs. she was in ass. living, my mother was deaf most of her life, and legally blind in that she could only make out shapes but most signs in using sign language.
When we had to put her in ass. living, I drove 135 miles round trip every sat.(plus more when needed) and she came to expect it. To my surprise when talking to her one sat. SHE told me I needed a vacation..... As my wife was also understanding in my sat. trips, this was a god send. In that in feeling bad because I wouldn't see my mom, I knew she understood and would relish all the interesting things we had done while on vacation. No matter how she felt because I wouldn't be there, she looked forward to my coming back. I guess that's what a MOM does......Good luck and spirits as you continue on....


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## Glynda (Oct 11, 2018)

Only child. Adopted at birth in FL. My dad was 20 years older than my mother. He died when I was 28. He had prepared financially for her. Mother re-married about 15 years later. My step-father was also older and financially in good shape. Before he was even sick, while visiting us alone in SC, she asked us if she should take out a long term care policy. My husband, without discussion, told her no; that we would always take care of her. I suspect by asking she had hoped for that answer. Mother was a bit of a "Mommy Dearest" when I was growing up and I admit to still sometimes having that pit in my stomach feeling, resentment, from childhood even though she has acknowledged her behavior and asked for forgiveness. She is an amazing woman who has been far more active, hard-working and helpful to others than I have been in adulthood. 5 years after my step-father passed away, she sold her home and moved in with us in SC, never having lived anywhere but FL. At the same time, my husband retired and I had both of them full time. Mother has had a hard time adjusting to our kind of city life where most of our neighbors have more homes and are only here a few months a year. She has missed having full time neighbors and her old friends (She has outlived all but 2 in FL). Perhaps she might have been happier in assisted living in FL but with her very active lifestyle, loving to garden and cook more than anything, I couldn't see her there nor could I have been there when needed. _And _there was that question and promise years before. My husband is wonderful to her, a huge help, and she has done so much for us. She will be 97 in 4 months and is in the kitchen right now preparing our supper. Only quite recently have I had to help her more with dressing, medicine, finances and cooking.

We too dreamed of traveling, perhaps for long lengths of time overseas, when DH retired. We have done some traveling by taking Mother to my cousin and/or a younger friend in FL who like to have her for a couple of weeks at a time. I'm not sure that Mother will be able to stay with either of them in the future, however. Mother has always been afraid to be alone at night so that cuts down on our even going out after dark and our only child, who lives 20 minutes from us with her husband and our granddaughter, rarely calls or visits unless she wants something. She spent so much time with her grandmother growing up and both adored each other. She knows that she will receive the bulk of my mother's inheritance and our's. Yet she has never taken Mother out for even part of a day, much less offered for her to stay with them so we can get away. We have asked her occasionally to spend 1 or 2 nights here with Mother when there was something important and we had to be away. She works near our house, and our granddaughter goes to school nearby, so it's not a huge inconvenience for them. She begrudgingly agreed for perhaps a total of 5 nights over the last 7 years. All to say that we know we can't count on her to do much of anything for us when we need someone and yes, it hurts. Obviously, we spoiled her to the point she thinks we are here for her but not vice versa. We do have long term care policies. Hopefully, we will be financially good until our deaths. But one never knows.

I join the list who say to travel while you are younger; as often as you can. The conundrum for most people is how to do so and also be there for family as well as financially prepared for old age. I don't want to lose my mother.  I feel guilty if I even think of the future without her. I hope we will lock the doors and travel. Already, at 71and 70, it will be with reduced mobility and strength to do some of what, and go where, we dreamed of.  Gosh, I feel as if I have just had a session with my TUG psychologists!


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## silentg (Oct 12, 2018)

bogey21 said:


> I'm an aging parent (age 83).  To make sure I am not a burden to my kids I moved into a CCRC when I turned 65.  In addition I have told my kids that they have no responsibility to take care of me as I continue to age.  We keep in touch almost daily via email and/or phone but I haven't seen them in months.  I have also told them that if/when I am in my final stages I don't want them to visit because I want them to remember me as my vibrant self, not while I am a shadow of my old self.  One big negative with this is not having much of a relationship with my Grand Kids...
> 
> George


You seemed  so young to go in a CCRC? Are you able to go out? I am almost the age you were when you went into CCRC. I can’t imagine moving into a place like that while I’m still able to care for myself. Still enjoy being with my family. I’m not a burden to them and we enjoy each other’s company. My DH and I do things on our own and so do my DD DS and SIL. We mostly get together for holidays but just got back from visiting DS and GF. Lots of fun.
Silentg


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## silentg (Oct 12, 2018)

Panina said:


> I so understand  how difficult it is for you. Your mom is better off then mine.  My mom has no long term care policy and really no close friends but refuses to move.  Offered all, move in with me, try moving into senior community, move to assisted living, get help ( likes no one).  Ultimately wants me to move back because it is what I am suppose to do. She did not take care of her mom, her sister in law did, who was supposedly no good.   My sis lives within 45 minutes of her, does nothing.  I take care of everything and travel every few weeks to visit.  Gets tiring and never good enough.  I always get one day you will feel guilty.
> 
> I decided will deal with everything as it happens. I meet all her needs and not all her wants.  I can only do my best as you can. I learned from my dads illness, he passed last year,  that it is impossible to do 100% and keep yourself healthy physically and mentally.
> 
> My parents lived their lives the way they wanted.  We need to do that too.  As she ages I do  help the best I can and have compassion but realize uprooting my life  to make her happy  will last all of five minutes. All my offers  for mom that she refuses gives me the peace I will need.


It’s very difficult to care for aging  parents. It is roll reversal, you become the adult they are the child. But looking at it from their perspective, it’s very frightening to them and that is why they lash out. It’s also difficult to get siblings to see the situation thru your eyes. They may think your mother is “just fine” on her own and they fight the idea of 24 hour care. We went thru that with both parents and everyone has a different idea of what is best.
My husband is dealing with his aging mother now. We had to fight for 24 hour care for her, as BIL insisted he could do it on his own. Finding her on the floor a few times convinced him to get 24 hour care. He has the most responsibility as he chose to do everything. We don’t live close but DH does his best and we visit when we can.
We are traveling though, and BiL and wife are starting to also. She also has her Father to care for.
With no help from her siblings.
This is part of life, still miss my parents, we were so close when younger. It’s tough to get old.
Silentg


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## bogey21 (Oct 13, 2018)

silentg said:


> You seemed  so young to go in a CCRC? Are you able to go out?



Many don't understand that "Independent Living" is one of the levels of living in a CCRC.  What is "Independent Living"?  Quite simply it is like living in any condominium.  You come and go as you please.  If you want to spend a couple of nights at your kids house or 2 or 3 weeks in Florida. all you do is change the marker outside your door to indicate that you are gone.  That let's Security know they don't have to check on you...

Moving into a CCRC at a young age has its advantages.  First, you are amortizing the front end fee over more years.  Second, you no longer have a need (or pay premiums) for Long Term Care Insurance.  And Third, a portion of your monthly fee is deductible on your FIT Return.  And truth be known if you pick the right CCRC your monthly fee  is not much more than paying rent for a nice condo when you take into account that your CCRC monthly fee includes meals, taxes, cleaning, maintenance and utilities...

George


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## jehb2 (Oct 13, 2018)

It took ten years for us to convince my mom to move out of her home.  of course what really changed her mind was she developed a bat problem in her house.  She moved to a senior high rise. She absolutely loves it.  We all love it.  My kids thought it was a timeshare.

I’m part of the sandwich generation.  My husband and I have elderly but active parents and we have our young kids.  Luckily for us we both have siblings to help out and social worker sisters on both sides on the family.  

I know it’s good to have a doctor or lawyer in the family but i’ll take a good social worker over both any day.


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