# Joke(s) of the Day Thread



## Jestjoan (Mar 24, 2009)

Good idea, Brain/Brian.

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
> using a bowl of lifesavers. >
> The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
>
> Red.......................Cherry
> Yellow..................Lemon
> Green...................Lime
> Orange ................Orange
>
> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
> none
> of the children
> could identify the taste.
>
> 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
> sometimes call your father.'
>
> One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
> 'Oh
> my God!! They're a**-holes


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## DeniseM (Mar 24, 2009)

Joan - this isn't directed at your post, but in general folks, let's remember that we are rated PG around here!


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## Patri (Mar 24, 2009)

Good joke! We'll hope underage readers won't get it.
And personally, PG is as far as I am comfortable.


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## djs (Mar 24, 2009)

I guess that means no "Little Johnny" jokes  


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.


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## Jestjoan (Mar 25, 2009)

*this came via Singapore....*

Driver's License 


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business..' 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.. 

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' 

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'


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## Kaye (Mar 25, 2009)

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

Recently I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name. 

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school. 

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride. 

'When did you graduate?' I asked. 

He answered, 'In 1978. Why do you ask?' 

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. 

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'  
       :hysterical:


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## Jestjoan (Mar 26, 2009)

*And That's How the Fight Started....*

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I
replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 
"I feel horrible;I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started......



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something
shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt 
in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and 
said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. 
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of 
cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady 
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, 
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife.. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started......


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip 
steak, medium rare, please."
He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....


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## EAM (Mar 26, 2009)

A young man was engaged to a woman named Kate.  However, he also began seeing another young woman named Edith.   When Kate found out about Edith, she returned her engagement ring, saying, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too."


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## djs (Mar 27, 2009)

*Leno Monologue*

This comes from Leno the other night:

"When E.F. Hutton speaks, he now asks 'would you like fries with that?'"


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## Htoo0 (Apr 6, 2009)

Guy on a big blue motorcycle pulls up next to a young girl walking and says, " Hey girl, how about a ride?" The girl shakes her head and continues walking. He then offers, "How about I give you ten dollars to ride with me?" The girl tells him no and walks a bit faster. He next asks, "OK, what about twenty dollars and a big bag of candy?" The girl turns to him and replies, "Look dad, you're the one who bought a Honda instead of a Harley- YOU RIDE IT!"


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## Jestjoan (Apr 6, 2009)

*The Mountie*

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain , B.C. and 
talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally 
grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the 
authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his 
rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly 
displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I 
wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made 
myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer 
running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence 
and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your ******* badge!'


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## Htoo0 (Apr 7, 2009)

A rancher was in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cattle you have, will you give me a calf?"

The rancher looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. He then prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1586 cattle."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the rancher says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a government consultant." says the rancher.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the rancher. "First of all they're sheep, not cows. You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know a thing about my business ....

" ... Now give me back my dog!"


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## dougonbay (Apr 9, 2009)

My better half (a very smart gal) is blond and we have a lot of laughs with this bit....


A blond goes into the library and says to the librarian "I'd like a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake please"

The librarian says "This is a library!"

The blond then whispers quietly "oh, sorry.....I'd like a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake please"


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## RonB (Apr 11, 2009)

*Kids...*

As the Sunday school teacher leads her young kids to church she pauses and asks:
Does anyone know why we have to be quiet in church? 
One of the little girls raises her hand and says:
Because people are sleeping in there.


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## Jestjoan (Apr 15, 2009)

*Yearly Exam*

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM



Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.  The nurse starts with certain

basics.  How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me

on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say. The nurse checks and

sees that I only measure 5'2'.  She then takes my blood pressure and tells

me it is very high. 'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was

tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a b****.


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## T_R_Oglodyte (Apr 15, 2009)

*The Ice Machine*

When I was in a hotel a couple of weeks ago I heard the strangest conversation around the corner in the hallway. It was a woman's voice, and she was saying,_"You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. You are a natural loser ! Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."_​I poked my head around the corner, and it was a blonde talking to the ice machine.  I foolishly asked her what she was doing.  

She rolled her eyes said to me loudly,_"Duhhhh. It says right here on the machine - Depress button for ice."_​


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## TUGBrian (Apr 15, 2009)

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
========================================================

HIS DIARY:

Boat wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got lucky.


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## TSTex02 (Apr 21, 2009)

*Welcome to the SouthWest*

RULES FOR LIVING OUT WEST !! 

*Rules of The Dakotas, Colorado, Arizona, Texas, Washington, Oregon, Oklahoma, Utah, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:*

*1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.* 


*2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.* 


*3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.* 
*4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us.. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.**
**
**5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.**
**
**6. Every person in the Wild West waves.. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.**
**
**7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.**
**
**8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.**
**
**9... The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.* *
**
**10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.* 

*11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.**
**
**12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah. We don't care what you folks up North call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!**
**
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
**
**14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.**
**
**1 5. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.**
**
**16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!**
**
Seriously, welcome y'all. Enjoy your stay in the SouthWest.*

*BTW - While you're here, please pronounce "y'all" as one syllable. And remember that "y'all" is singular; "all y'all" is plural.*


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## Htoo0 (Apr 21, 2009)

BTW - While you're here, please pronounce "y'all" as one syllable. And remember that "y'all" is singular; "all y'all" is plural.

Reminds me of the difference between a Northern girl and a Southern girl. :ignore:


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## CMF (Apr 21, 2009)

*My favorite all time joke and my 2000th post!*



> A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer's feet. "That's a weird-looking pig," the man says. The farmer is furious. "Don't you ever say anything bad about this pig!" he says. "Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don't ever say anything bad about him."
> 
> "I'm sorry," the man says. "But what's the deal with the three legs?"
> 
> "Mister," the farmer says, "a pig like this you don't eat all at once."



Cheers,
Charles


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## thinze3 (Apr 22, 2009)

CMF said:


> My favorite all time joke and my 2000th post!
> 
> 
> Cheers,
> Charles



Keep on Tugging my friend. 


_Added:_
Here's my favorite joke on video.


.


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## SueDonJ (Apr 22, 2009)

thinze3 said:


> Keep on Tugging my friend.
> 
> 
> _Added:_
> ...



I knew I shouldn't have clicked the link, I just knew it.


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## SueDonJ (Apr 22, 2009)

Hey, congrats on the post count milestone, Charles!


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## SueDonJ (Apr 22, 2009)

an oldie from email:

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.  It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope and, with trembling hands, read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.  But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.  In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. 

Love, your son, Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report  that's on the kitchen table. Call me when it is safe for me to come home!"


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## T_R_Oglodyte (Apr 22, 2009)

*WHATEVER YOU GIVE A WIFE*

Whatever you give a wife, she's going to multiply. and give it back to you.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

So - think twice before you give her any crap.

***

(But I have this nagging suspicion that I may have picked this up originally here at TUG.)


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## CMF (Apr 22, 2009)

thinze3 said:


> Keep on Tugging my friend.





SueDonJ said:


> Hey, congrats on the post count milestone, Charles!



gee thanks guys  

Charles


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## T_R_Oglodyte (Apr 22, 2009)

This letter to Dear Abby is one of my favorites. 

********* 

Dear Abby, 

I never thought I would be writing to someone like you for advice. But I've got problems. I'm so stressed I can’t think straight. I really need you to answer a question and help me make a very important decision. 

I think my wife is cheating on me. 

For the last five or six months she's frequently gone until after midnight. Often she says she’s staying late at work; other times she says she's out with her girlfriends. Sometimes on the weekend she says she needs to go to the office to do work, but before she leaves she puts on sexy clothes, spends an hour doing her makeup carefully, and applies her nicest perfume. Since she's a receptionist, I'm not sure why she needs to do all of that or even why she needs to go in to the office when the office is closed. 

Anyway, last Saturday, one of her friends picked her up after dinner for one of those "girls nights". Another weekend night spent alone, and I had enough. I was ready to confront her. I stayed up for her, waiting in the family room next to the front door where I could see the street in front of our house. Every time a car slowed down in front or our house I would check to see if it was her. Because there's a speed bump right by our driveway, I checked out a lot of cars. 

Finally about 1:30 a.m. a black BMW pulled up in front of the house, and it was her. She was in the front seat, but could as well have been driving the car. She slowly disentangled herself from the driver. She lowered the vanity mirror in the visor and repaired her smeared makeup and straightened her hair. When she got out of the car the breeze caught her blouse; it was totally unbuttoned and flew open, the tails flapping in the wind. Her bra was missing, and as she stood there virtually topless she looked back at the driver and giggled. The zipper on her skirt was down and her skirt was hanging half way off her hips. Need I say that she doesn't own any flesh colored panties? Although she had been wearing some stockings (with a garter belt) when she left that evening, they weren't on her now. 

She fixed her clothes somewhat and began coming up the sidewalk to the front door. My golf bag was sitting near the door of the family room, and I crouched behind it as I got ready to confront her. 

As she was fumbling for her key I noticed there was a hairline crack in the shaft of my #3 wood. 

So, Abby, here's my question. I know I can easily get a new wife. But is it worth trying to fix that wood, or should I just bite the bullet and get a new Callaway? 

/s/ Cracked Up in Connecticut.


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## AwayWeGo (May 19, 2009)

*Authenticity Isn't The Only Thing.*




TSTex02 said:


> We don't care what you folks up North call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!


Maybe not, but it's still pretty tasty. 

Not only that, in Cincinnati, you can get a 5-way served over spaghetti. 

Try ordering that in Amarillo. 

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​


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## Jestjoan (Sep 16, 2009)

*"Flu Update"*

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.


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## Kay H (Oct 6, 2009)

*Newly Ordained Priest*

A newly ordained priest was given his 1st assignment in his parish, which was to officiate at a wedding. Not having attended many weddings himself, he was extremely nervous. He went to his pastor and told him how inadequate he felt and could the pastor give him some advice. The pastor thought for a moment and told the priest to write himself a few notes and if he really got stuck to quote scripture. Quoting scripture can fill in lots of gaps and it certainly wouldn't offend anyone.

The priest got thru the Mass fine, referred to his notes when the couple made their vows but was at a loss for something personal and eloquent to say at the end of the ceremony. He paused, remembered what his pastor had suggested and proceeded to place his left hand on the bride's head and his right hand on the groom's head. He smiled brightly and said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". 
__________________


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## AwayWeGo (Oct 6, 2009)

*Donald Trump & The Pope.*

On a trip to Rome, Donald Trump wangles an audience with the Pope. 

"Your Holiness," Trump says, "I am curious about the administrative operations here at the Vatican.  

"Yes, my son?" says the Pope. 

"Well, Your Holiness," The Donald says, "how many people work here?"

The Pope pauses to think for a few seconds before replying. 

"About half," the Pontiff says. 

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​


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## tompalm (Oct 7, 2009)

7 degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the  Delaware  .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'


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## SueDonJ (Oct 7, 2009)

*Little Johnny*

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' 

*     *     *     *     *     *    *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?' 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *    *     *     *     *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    * 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'


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## SueDonJ (Oct 21, 2009)

GOODBYE MOM 
        A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she kept staring at him.

        She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

        He answered, "That's okay."

        "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

        She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

        The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

        Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

        "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

        "How come so much?  I only bought 5 items."

        The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."


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## Jestjoan (Nov 18, 2009)

1. A day without sunshine is like night. 

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have. 

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?" 

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


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## Jestjoan (Jan 12, 2011)

*Happy 2011*

As 2011 begins, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet. 


Happy 2011!


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## Jestjoan (Jan 27, 2011)

*Points to Ponder*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like any arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head”.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass”.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,a nurse said, “No change yet”.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


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## Rose Pink (Jan 27, 2011)

Jestjoan said:


> 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


Does this have anything to do with the Taco Bell thread?


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## Jestjoan (Mar 22, 2011)

*Intaxication*

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


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## Jestjoan (May 23, 2011)

*Alerts To Threats In 2011 Europe:*

BY JOHN CLEESE 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security 
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The 
English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror 
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are 
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher 
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. 
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. 

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is 
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final 
escalation level.


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## Rose Pink (May 23, 2011)

Thanks for posting that, Joan.  With the world situation the way it is, I need a good laugh.


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## Jestjoan (Sep 20, 2011)

*Blonde joke*


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kinds. 

Yesterday, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. 

He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them
yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I am blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. 

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year, that 

"In just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!"

Helllooooo? (I told him). It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so finally I
just hung up. 

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. 

Bet he won't underestimate a
blonde anymore. Heh.


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## Passepartout (Sep 23, 2011)

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal  his
stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."




(Don't make me come splain this to you!):hysterical:


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## Conan (Oct 19, 2011)

*Here's one for some of us TUGGERs:*


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## Jestjoan (Feb 3, 2012)

Homeless Man's Funeral

... As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
 Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
 For a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be
 ... At a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
 Male, I didn't stop for directions.
 I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
 And the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
 Badly and apologized to the men for being late.
 I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
 Already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down
 Their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for
 This man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played
 Before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers
 Began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
 Head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
 One of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
 Been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost. 
It's a man thing.


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## Jestjoan (Feb 3, 2012)

*Intaxication*

Intaxication 

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


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