Am I a Neanderthal?

One of the things I quite dislike about being on Facebook is how younger people share way too much personal info.

My niece (common law with my related nephew) is finally going to have a baby this weekend,(so she announced on FB) by hook or by crook, since she is 10+ days overdue, so I am assuming they will induce labor or do a C-Section.

Her friends posted/commented they were happy for her, as I am as well. Then one of the posts comes right on and says, yeah, we can finally go back to smoking pot again!

I know that discretion is the better part of valor, but I am sorry...I just could not hold my tongue...

So while I did not post on the comment section of FB, I did send her a private message, expressing my surprise and sadness about her friends comment.

I have suspected for awhile now that pot is a big thing for her since she did wish everyone a happy 420 on April 20, which sort of saddened me, but I kept my mouth shut.

But this time, the thought of her and my nephew toking up and smoking pot around a newborn really "pissed" me off...Here is the last thing a new baby needs, second hand smoke and a stoned mother and possibly father! This is really, really sad to me.

I know her mother and father in law (Cora's sister) are probably either unaware or to polite/shy to confront her about this...so I did. I tried to be kind, but man, the thought of this just bothers the heck out of me....

I am fully aware that pot has become more accepted in our society today...but....this is just sad, sad, sad.....

Now I can see why perhaps both her and my nephew have really gone nowhere in life...she was a waitress and he a DJ in training, with no savings, no home (living with my sister/BIL and her mom back and forth), no apparent future to support and nurture a child...

I tried to carefully share my concern with her privately, and told her a baby needs a fully functioning mom & dad and does not need second hand smoke of any type...(I think they still both smoke cigarettes, at least they did a few years ago when they stayed with us)

Have things changed so much in our world that this lifestyle is perfectly acceptable and I am the guy out of the loop?

No, you're not out of the loop. They are immature and foolish.

So Simple Even A Neanderthal Can Do It.

-- hotlinked --​

Shux, I spill lots more personal information about myself on TUG-BBS than on FaceBook -- e.g., personal doofus moves, cancer surgery, musical experiences, & I don't know what-all.

FaceBook has its uses, however. For example, FaceBook just seems more fitting than TUG-BBS for posting The Song Of The Day.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

I teach teenage parents and we recently had a prominent family law attorney speak to our class about custody and other family law issues. She strongly emphasized that people should NOT post incriminating personal info. on the internet. She said that as an attorney, one of the first things she does in a custody battle is to look at the other parent's online info. She said that many times, there is plenty of info. there to document that they are an unfit parent. All she has to do is print it out and hand it to the judge and they testify against themselves!

So, no, you are not a neanderthal - you are RIGHT!

Now that I have cooled off a bit....

My 18 year old son overheard me talking about this with Cora and said I should mind my own business...yet I explained to him that I worked for over a decade in group home and child care work...working with children who were the offspring's of parents who made a lot of bad bad decisions...so it is hard for me to mind my own business, since I have seen the real downside of the party lifestyle...and how innocent children are hurt by pathetic parenting...

While my niece has not written to me, I did just go over to FB to check and I see she deleted or hid they message that upset me....

I will be curious if she has the gumption to write back to "Uncle Rick" or if she just blows it off as just another old fart who wants to tell her what to do....

The sad part of these two is they are almost 30...so it's not like they are just out of their teens...

Can you explain the significance of the Happy 420 comment? Haven't heard that one before.

I doubt this is getting much play in the U.S. but facebook is in the news in Canada today.

ctreelmom said:

Can you explain the significance of the Happy 420 comment? Haven't heard that one before.

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420, pronounced four twenty, not four hundred and twenty, is a slang for smoking pot. It seems to have its origins from a group of California high school students who smoked up after school every day at 4:20. So Happy 420 would be saying, "Enjoy smoking pot."

There are large rallies held in many cities around the world on April 20th, including Vancouver, to encourage the legalization of marihuana.

If you google "420 marihuana" or "420 marihuana origin" you can get more information.

My son during his late teen years wanted to buy a hat with "Highway 420" on it. He was shocked when I wouldn't let him buy it and even more shocked when I gave him exactly the reason I didn't want him to buy it.

ctreelmom said:

Can you explain the significance of the Happy 420 comment? Haven't heard that one before.

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From wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/420_(cannabis_culture)

420

someone already answered...

I wish more family members had the balls to stand up to relatives and say "hey, what the hell are you doing?" I say good for you and even if she doesn't respond or doesn't care, at least you know you tried and didn't just keep silent.

Janna

ScoopLV said:

Unfortunately, your relatives will learn (too late) that the Internet never forgets (and never forgives.)

I've made some absolutely bone-headed, ridiculous comments that I would like to have stricken from my personal record. My only excuse is, "I was young, the Internet was young, too, and I didn't know any better."

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No....I couldn't possibly believe that..... :hysterical:

ScoopLV said:

Unfortunately, your relatives will learn (too late) that the Internet never forgets (and never forgives.)

I've made some absolutely bone-headed, ridiculous comments that I would like to have stricken from my personal record. My only excuse is, "I was young, the Internet was young, too, and I didn't know any better."

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Wasn't that just a couple weeks ago?

Just funnin' you Scoopy!

Rick - might I suggest that the issue isn't pot; it's that they are potheads.

I have certainly known many occasional users who had ample drive and focus. Equally I've known folks whose prime goal in life was to get stoned.

Take away the pot and they would simply migrate to something else, most likely alcohol.

To the extent you can cajole, I suggest you forget about the pot and focus more on priorities and goals in life.

At least, that's this Troglodyte's advice to his favorite Neanderthal.

At least it sounds like she stopped whatever while she was pregnant. I am thankful for that.

As Troggie says, it's not really pot that's the issue, but in my view the issue is, Are you going to care for and protect this child? I don't care if they occasionally go out and leave a responsible sitter at home, so long as they both don't return smashed - there should always be a sober parent. I don't care if they go to a party and toke up, so long as when they return home, there is at least one sober parent to tend to the child.

I'm glad you initiated conversation, but do be careful. Last thing you want to do is kill conversation - she needs you. She may not know it yet, but she needs you.

I would take a different tack, step away from substance use, and address the issue of their being new parents. "You know, you will be exhausted, and there will be some frightening times when your baby is sick and you don't know what to do. These are times when you need to be clear-headed in order to do what's best for your child. If you sometimes feel that you're in over your head with a newborn, please feel free to call me - I raised children, I know what it's like."

Neanderthal? Not hardly. You are a concerned relative. That's a good thing. You want the best for all 3 of them. That's a good thing. While I sure as hell hope that Party Days are in the past and they are ready to settle down, sober up and focus on being a family, no one but them has any control over that. Best you can do is offer your support and your ear and try not to judge.

"I was young once, I know what it's like, but there is a little one depending on you now. Think of the sicknesses and injuries you had when you were young. If your parents had been stoned or drunk, do you think those issues would have resolved the same way?"

Good luck. I hope she's receptive.

You are not a Neanderthal or if you are, you have a lot of company!

I second the comment about watching what is said on line that can be incriminating. many do not realize how comments on face book or where ever else ... email ... etc, can come back to bite.

At the high school the bulk of the soccer team posted a party they had on drunks.com and had to answer to all the underage drinking that was then documented online. The students and parents had to answer to the school, the coach, and the police. So discretion is definitely the better part of valor.

Beverley

My husband made a face book page when he was looking for work in order to find any old colleages for networking. He didn't feel comfortable giving too much information on his profile. He did come up with a few old names, but for the most part he noticed some people have too much time on their hands making stupid commits on his page.

I have heard of employers checking myspace and facebook for perspective hires.

I feel too much information out there.

I Resemble That Remark.

post-it said:

He did come up with a few old names, but for the most part he noticed some people have too much time on their hands making stupid commits on his page.

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Hey, that's exactly the kind of remarks I send in to FaceBook.

Ditto TUG-BBS.

I guess I'm not the only 1 after all.

Who'd a-thunk ?

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

T_R_Oglodyte said:

Rick - might I suggest that the issue isn't pot; it's that they are potheads.

I have certainly known many occasional users who had ample drive and focus. Equally I've known folks whose prime goal in life was to get stoned.

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Yes, it's the pothead thing I am concerned about.

I have seen too many veiled references on her facebook page to give me a feeling that both my nephew and niece are potheads or becoming potheads.

I truly hope this is not the case.

geekette said:

At least it sounds like she stopped whatever while she was pregnant. I am thankful for that.

As Troggie says, it's not really pot that's the issue, but in my view the issue is, Are you going to care for and protect this child? I don't care if they occasionally go out and leave a responsible sitter at home, so long as they both don't return smashed - there should always be a sober parent.

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Yes, I too am thankful for her apparently stopping while pregnant. You are absolutely spot on about this being an issue of child welfare.

My sadness comes because they live with either her mother or his parents. They don't have a place of their own. So they have two built in Grandma's that I am sure will be called upon to be on call sitters. This to me gives them the ultimate opportunity to be irresponsible, since they can both go out, party and then come home to "care for the baby".

My niece has already asked my sister-in-law to watch the baby during the upcoming wedding for my other nephew(brother of this nephew). She was blatant enough to ask her mother-in-law to care for her baby, since she wanted to party at the wedding. At least my sister-in-law (whose son is the groom at this wedding) told her no, since she wanted to have a nice time without the worry of caring for a baby, plus all her other duties as the mother of the groom. Hopefully, my loving sister-in-law who loves babies will continue to say no and stick to her word. But only time will tell about that.

To me, this is just a sad sad reality. I have know my two nephews since they were young children, I just hope this younger boy can get his head on straight and stand up and take responsibility for this child and be the parent he needs to be.

As far as the 420 comment - having 2 teenagers, I could use more useful code words for my reference.

First, I think you are right to be concerned and express your fears.
On a lighter note, there is a hemp store in Moose Jaw, Sk. at 420 High St. . There radio ads are quite funny if you get the reference.

ricoba said:

My sadness comes because they live with either her mother or his parents. They don't have a place of their own. So they have two built in Grandma's that I am sure will be called upon to be on call sitters. This to me gives them the ultimate opportunity to be irresponsible, since they can both go out, party and then come home to "care for the baby".

My niece has already asked my sister-in-law to watch the baby during the upcoming wedding for my other nephew(brother of this nephew). She was blatant enough to ask her mother-in-law to care for her baby, since she wanted to party at the wedding. At least my sister-in-law (whose son is the groom at this wedding) told her no, since she wanted to have a nice time without the worry of caring for a baby, plus all her other duties as the mother of the groom. Hopefully, my loving sister-in-law who loves babies will continue to say no and stick to her word. But only time will tell about that.

To me, this is just a sad sad reality. I have know my two nephews since they were young children, I just hope this younger boy can get his head on straight and stand up and take responsibility for this child and be the parent he needs to be.

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WAIT - Are you saying that she asked THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM to babysit AT THE WEDDING?

balls. glaring immaturity. sorry, honey, you have a baby and you are its momma.

Yes, I fear also the easy ability to be irresponsible.

Sad sad reality, indeed. Stay near, your wisdom and experience will be needed, if not immediately appreciated. If you do not yet have a relationship with any of their parents, you might get one started since you know where this family will be holing up. And please be sure to have one with Baby. Depending on how much "pass the baby" occurs in childhood, he/she is going to need a wise and stable influence.

geekette said:

WAIT - Are you saying that she asked THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM to babysit AT THE WEDDING?

balls. glaring immaturity. sorry, honey, you have a baby and you are its momma.

Yes, I fear also the easy ability to be irresponsible.

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Yup, you got it....

My SIL & BIL have two sons, my two nephews. The older one is getting married in Sept. The younger one is the dad of this soon to be born baby.

My new niece, had the audacity, even if she was joking to ask for my SIL the mother of the groom to take care of the baby during the wedding reception, so she could have fun! My SIL had the fortitude to tell her no, that she did not want that responsibility, due to her own responsibilities during the wedding party etc. But we will have to see if my SIL can follow through on her no.

If you want me to put some icing on the cake...the newborn already has a name....He will be known as the capital of a certain island in the Caribbean, where he was conceived....ya know mon... ya get my drift....these two(mom & dad) are apparently big Bob Marley fans...

Is there any wonder that I have concerns about the new mom and dad being potential potheads!

Ricoba:

My heart goes out to you and all concerned. You're on my prayer list for sure.


Marty