[2007] Close Encounters Of The Doofus Kind.

Alan,

Some might say you're having a run of bad fortune. I'd say you're living life to its fullest, taking things as they come.

Thanks for the posting.

Marty

I always enjoy reading the little snippets from the Chief of Staff. First off, don't feel bad, all those things can be fixed or replaced (my OM has gone swimming with car remotes and recently, his new cell phone)-check ebay. I would say that unless you are contemplating homicide, you might move that chandelier from over the jacuzzi (or at least make sure it's on a GFCI line)! My husband tries to live by the same rules-must be your boy scout training. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face.

martygeorge79 said:

Alan,

Some might say you're having a run of bad fortune. I'd say you're living life to its fullest, taking things as they come.

Thanks for the posting.

Marty

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My feelings too as they put things back into perspective. Don't take life too seriously but live each day as it comes along. Thanks for your little stories.

I have to admit that I'm smiling at your misfortunes...sorry...you just sound so human!!
Connie

Alan
Another golden nugget from the Chief!! :rofl: Your way with words is such a delight. Thank you for sharing your humorous perspective on life with us. Your posts here on TUG are my favorites.

sympathy and a tip

Sorry to hear about your run of bad luck.

One trick that I've used over the years if I have a morning flight is to stay as close to the airport as possible the night before. I return my car, take the airport shuttle to hotel and relax that night and take the shuttle in the next morning. It really reduces the stress factor.

Good luck.

Sue

close encounters

I guess misery loves company.. in this case clustsyness (even making up new words)..

While warming up for a (usta) tennis match recently I was practicing my forehand but somehow missed my shoulder (racquet goes over the shoulder in a follow through) and hit my front tooth. I hit it so hard that I knew I did damage. After my lip stopped bleeding and the other team forfeited (never even played the damn match) I went home only to discover I cracked my front tooth. While it's still holding together I'm sure it's waiting to break off while I'm in Hilton Head next week. More recently I was taking many packages out of my mini van and somehow managed to close the back door on my forearm leaving a big black/blue. I also got out of the passenger side of my husbands car as we were going to a movie and trying not to touch the persons car parked next to us I scraped my arm on his mirror, leaving me a deep gauge on my arm. Oh did I mention that I'm right handed and all this was on my right arm! Remember I said I'm an avid tennis player! Not to mention the tennis elbow, shoulder and knee pain. A couple of alieve do the trick right before playing.

Ok and now for the plane goof.. which of course has an injury story that goes along with it...

Two years ago while (what else) playing tennis, I fell on the tennis courts wrist first (this time my left). On my way to the hospital I couldn't think how much I wanted to die because the pain was so incredible. After the x - rays and the morning in the hospital and in the orthopedists office I broke my wrist in at least 5 places. Good news of the day was that they were clean breaks so no surgery. Now the plane story, all of this took place a week before we were to go to Hilton Head Island. This particular year we decided to fly instead of drive (14+ hours). I made the arrangements through American Express miles. We took my husbands car (4 runner) with the three kids in the back (18,15 and 12) to Newark airport. Figuring if we had to leave a car for a week at the airport it should be his.. We park in long term parking and shelp all the luggage (remember my arm is in a cast and I'm still taking oxy cotin for pain). We get to the ticket counter at Continental and I show them the piece of paper I printed way back when I arranged for the trip and.... not only had the flight been canceled but they have no records of my reservations. After much going back and forth and being inexperience with redeeming air miles, I didn't make a phone call or something and plans were all messed up. Needless to say here we are at Newark airport no tickets, 3 kids, small car, in a cast, taking pain killers etc.. we decided what the hey we're already an hour and half south we'll just keep going. While I didn't get to play any tennis that year, we did have a relaxing time on the beach.

I'm going to be playing tennis this morning and we are leaving for HHI on Thursday... Wish me luck!!! or pray for rain!!! lol

Oh yeah, leaving the house last year for our cruise to Alaska (got the air miles thing right, but was incredibly nervous and stressed about it) I stepped off our front step the wrong way and pulled something across my upper back.. took days to feel better, but went on every adventure and had a great time...

ok, come on tuggers we can't be the only two!

Life is full on many bumps and bruises along the way, think how boring life would be without them... let's just hope they are all minor.

Lisa

Doofus Update.

My fingers are OK now -- & after that doofus chandelier eposide I'm more careful getting into my terry robe after I shower down.

The Chief Of Staff & I had a nice time during our accidental extra day in the American Heartland -- slept late, had a nice visit with relatives we have affectionate feelings for, shopped, relaxed, turned in early, & had no trouble catching our early-early Sunday morning flight home.

The remote control for the car door locks works OK now that the key has dried out.

I think I know where I can get an acceptable replacement for The Chief Of Staff's glass decanter I accidentally destroyed.

All's well that ends well -- even for doofuses (doofi ?) (doofae ?) (doofices ?).

What's the plural of doofus anyway ?

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

AwayWeGo said:

What's the plural of doofus anyway ?

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Threefus?

Dave

As embarrassing as it is, I will add my doofus/clutz stories or 2 of them anyway. While walking from my car to a meeting at a Police Dept, I tripped on the sidewalk and broke my right elbow. That was 3 days before a LOV trip to Cancun and I'm right handed. Orthopedist said I could go on the trip, so I did. Had to give up my exit row seat when the FA noticed the sling on my arm. The LOV ladies were wonderful - cut my food, got me drinks, helped me get dressed, etc. Boy, did I milk that one.

Have you ever met someone who got a concussion while bowling? You have now. I don't even want to explain that one!

Thanks for the smiles! (and the nods of recognition)

Doofus Is As Doofus Does.

Doofus Moment

ok, since you've revived the post......

After visiting NYC our light colored car was filthy with all the soot and so forth. On the way home to PA we drove through an automatic car wash. Only problem was, we didn't consider the fact that it was January and well below freezing.....

As we rolled out of the car wash, our clean car was covered with a thick layer of ice!

Does this count as a doofus moment?

AwayWeGo said:

In horn-player parlance, the injured digits are my 2nd-valve finger & my 3rd-valve finger. That's because, unlike valve buttons on trumpets, cornets, tubas, etc., valve levers on horns are operated by the fingers of the left hand. Not everybody is aware of that (BTW). For instance, I got a nice greeting card illustrated by a beautiful photo of a top-quality horn. The art director printed the photo so that the picture shows a mirror-image horn which, if it existed, would have to be operated by the right hand -- i.e., nobody at HallMark realized the photo negative had been flipflopped. So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

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Back in my Horn playing days, I had a bicycle accident, you know thowing on the front brake of a 10 speed while going really fast - and flipping over handle bars.
I had a severe skin affected injury to my right leg from the knee up - now - where do you prop that horn.... I could have really used that right handed horn then.
Also - We marched with bell front horns that played like a trumpet with your right hand.... That was alway confusing.

I'm glad your fingers are better.

Alan,

You always make me laugh! Thank you. I even got the spelling of your name right this time.

Janna

Alan, just remember, you are our very own entertaining , clever, and wildly popular TUG Doofus! We all immensely enjoy your posts.

Try to stay out of trouble today!

Dori

Fingers & Chops & Arms & Legs & Horns.

casey2 said:

Back in my Horn playing days, I had a bicycle accident, you know thowing on the front brake of a 10 speed while going really fast - and flipping over handle bars.
I had a severe skin affected injury to my right leg from the knee up - now - where do you prop that horn.... I could have really used that right handed horn then.
Also - We marched with bell front horns that played like a trumpet with your right hand.... That was alway confusing.

I'm glad your fingers are better.

Click to expand...

Thanks.

The really good horn players -- i.e., virtually all the professionals & most of the highly skilled dilettantes (& I mean that in a good way) -- don't prop the edge of the bell flare on the right leg. They position the right hand inside the bell with the fingertips up near the bell throat in such a way that the horn is lifted up off the leg. Doing that puts a load on the right arm & right shoulder, so lazier players (like me) are inclined to rest the bell rim on the leg anyhow. So it goes.

However that may be, I can play off-leg when required, e.g., when I'm playing in an ensemble that's performing while standing, when I played an off-stage obbligato while standing, when I'm showing off, etc.

Since Day One with the horn, I had always propped it right there on my right leg. That ended (temporarily) only when I took lessons (at age 40) from Dan Carter, who was 4th horn in the National Symphony Orchestra at the time. He insisted on having all his students play off leg.

The high point in my musical advancement was at 1 lesson with Dan Carter, when he held up a thumb & forefinger about an inch apart & said, "Alan, you're about that close to being a good horn player." That had me grinning ear to ear.

The high point before that was when the late Bruce Nelson (formerly of the U.S. Air Force Band Airmen Of Note ) was guest-soloing on trumpet with Fairfax Band. The solo number he performed was La Virgen De La Macarena (a flashy & razzle-dazzle bullfight fanfare tune) backed up by small brass ensemble rather than full band. After his solo, Bruce told me, "Alan, you are the loudest damned French horn player I have ever heard."

"Thanks, Bruce," I replied. "Coming from you, I'm taking that as a compliment."

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

Thank You.

Dori said:

Alan, just remember, you are our very own entertaining , clever, and wildly popular TUG Doofus! We all immensely enjoy your posts.

Try to stay out of trouble today!

Dori

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Nice of you to say, Dori. I try to have fun with timeshares & timesharing & so also with TUG-BBS.

As to wild popularity, that's subjective. I mean, it's nice to have a TUG-BBS fan club, but not everybody is in it.

Sometimes The Devil makes me send in stuff that's semi-pointed, & then I feel bad later when it gets people grumped off. Nobody's perfect, etc., but I really need to learn how to dial it back a notch before I get people steamed unnecessarily.

Shux, 1 time somebody on TUG-BBS got so seriously honked off at my Las Vegas "compound freebies" entry that he or she replied in terms so harsh that the Grand Pro erased the whole thing without a trace -- didn't "edit" it, mind you, to clean it up or tone it down, just caused the whole scathing reply to disappear as though it had never even been on TUG-BBS.

So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

Lisa & Alan you are not the only ones. I am the Queen of Doofiness!! I'm so clutzy that oy if you get a boo boo or get hurt, etc, it's called a "shaggy" or shaggymoment or having a shaggy day. BTW. Alan I love your tales. Hugs, shaggy

The Doofus Moves Keep On A-Coming.

I inherited a few shares of stock 6 years ago in a small company that got swallowed up last year by a medium-size company. I received a notice saying where to send the old company stock certificate so I could receive equivalent shares in the new company.

I knew that certificate was around here somewhere, but I couldn't like, uh -- er, ah, you know . . . find the stock certificate.

So I gave up & sent in a Lost Certificate affidavit along with a nuisance fee for processing the stock transfer in the absence of the original stock certificate.

Pretty soon the new shares showed up in the mail.

Case closed ?

Not exactly.

Today the old stock certificate showed up in a computer desk cubbyhole right next to the computer printer -- hiding in plain sight the whole time.

What a doofus !

(Me, not you.)

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

Hospital Doofus.

The little box used for changing TV channels & for buzzing the Nurse Station was stuck just out of reach. The wire I was pulling on to try getting it unstuck was actually a wire that is part of the hospital bed. (Who knew?)

After I discovered my mistake, the hospital bed would no longer elevate at the head end.

The NIH maintenance guy who showed up couldn't get it working. After a while somebody else showed up with a working hospital bed that they moved in & hooked up.

I was not expecting to pull any doofus moves while I'm at NIH. It just worked out that way. Sheesh.

-- Alan Cole. McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

Sheet Music Doofus.

I was trying to tidy up my combination music room & den upstairs when I realized that my green Super Giant mesh bag containing all my brass quintet music horn parts was nowhere to be found.

Some musicians can memorize the tunes & play just fine without looking at printed music. Others can improvise -- i.e., make up tunes on the spot & play by ear as they go along. Not me. I can't even play Happy Birthday To You in the Key Of C without looking at the sheet music.

So without that bag & its contents of 2 large 3-ring binders of horn music, I was in deep sludge.

Thinking back to the last time I knew I had the music with me, I remembered a quintet rehearsal held in a regular classroom right before band rehearsal held in the high school band room.

After quintet rehearsal, I was pretty sure I had taken my horn & my music bag & the school music stand I was using down to the band room. All I could figure was that after band rehearsal, I forgot all about the bag of quintet music & went home without it.

Recalling further the broken music stand I took home from the band room that night for flxa-fixa-fixa, I decided that loading up the music stand completely drove the bag of music out of my awareness. What a doofus! (Me, not you.)

Even though most of 2 weeks had gone by before I thought of the left-behind music, I got in touch with the school's community activities person & explained my bonehead blunder with the forgotten music. Next day, the coordinator called with the good news that the music had been found right where I suggested it might be. I picked it up that afternoon, with much thanks to the community activities person for getting me out of a major serious jam.

The amazing thing is not the number of doofus moves I pull by various acts of commission & omission. What's amazing is how frequently I recover, thanks frequently (as in this case) to outside help.

Thanks, friends.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

AwayWeGo said:

My standards of behavior for myself are not high -- stay out of jail, live clean & sober, not get into fistfights, pay my bills, not run around on my wife, treat people decently, not swear obscenely, wash my face, comb my hair, shave, trim my nails, etc. In short, I strive to do more good than harm each day. Sometimes that doesn't exactly work out.

In trying to straighten up & clean as I go & put things back where they belong, I accidentally knocked over & broke The Chief Of Staff's decorative cut-glass decanter. An attempted repair with Crazy Glue was no good.

In making sure our 4½-year-old grandson stayed safe in the 3½-foot-deep (i.e., shallow) end of the community pool, I waded right in -- completely forgetting I had the car key (with remote control) in my swimtrunks pocket. The electronic remote-control unit got a good 30-minute soak.

In trying to save a few bucks on airplane tickets for The Chief Of Staff & me to go to Indiana for (a) interment of my cousin's ashes & (b) visiting an aunt & uncle & more cousins on the other side of the family, I goofed up the non-changeable PriceLine return-flight date. As a result The Chief Of Staff & I will be spending an extra day in the American Heartland together. Not only that, our return flight takes off at 6AM -- so we'll have to get up superduper early to drive to the airport & return the (PriceLine) rental car & check in for our flight by 5AM or so.

Slipping into my terry robe after showering down yesterday, I carelessly extended my left arm upward & directly into the chandelier hanging over the jacuzzi, ramming 2 fingers into some sharp places & getting nasty cuts on the tips of my middle finger & my ring finger.

In horn-player parlance, the injured digits are my 2nd-valve finger & my 3rd-valve finger. That's because, unlike valve buttons on trumpets, cornets, tubas, etc., valve levers on horns are operated by the fingers of the left hand. Not everybody is aware of that (BTW). For instance, I got a nice greeting card illustrated by a beautiful photo of a top-quality horn. The art director printed the photo so that the picture shows a mirror-image horn which, if it existed, would have to be operated by the right hand -- i.e., nobody at HallMark realized the photo negative had been flipflopped. So it goes.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​

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Alan, I've been reading your posts, and I must say, your wife must be one lucky chick! Nevermind your dufus moments.

The Other Way Round.

laurac260 said:

Alan, I've been reading your posts, and I must say, your wife must be one lucky chick!

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Thanks for the kind words. Much appreciated.

But the whole truth is that I'm the lucky one.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​